. thanks so much for joining us tonight. >> coming up next, the late show with stephen colbert. >> he's got julia louis dreyfus. have a good weekend. >> stephen: hey, nicolaj. thanks so much for doing the show. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: and you'll feel right at home here because central characters of the "late show" are often brutally murdered.

show get killed? >> stephen: oh, yeah. happens all the time. could be any one of us. could be me, could be you, could be my writer, gabe. >> hey. it could even be my stage manager here, athdor of house cafferos. >> me? it cannot be! for it is the eve of my daughter's wedding feast! she has just been rescued from the sand barrens. in the morrow i shall weveelt ancient secret that shall keep our house from horrors. >> did he say wedding? >> >> stephen: yeah, you never know. >> why did i write this? >> that was my favorite character! >> tonight, stephen captioning sponsored by cbs welcomes julia louis-dreyfus. nikolaj coster-waldau. and a performance by comedian

human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! up there. everybody out there. down here. hello, mark. hello. stay strong. stay strong. hey, chris! why not? welcome to the "late show." welcome to the "late show."

and i just want to say happy friday because it most definitely is friday right now. you know, if you guys watch the show, i have always said "cleanliness is next to godliness." mostly because i have an extremely abridged dictionary. let it sink in. regardless of all the stroking, i do my best to stay clean. so i was a little overwhelmed recently when i saw that the world health organization released this new guide to handed washing, a guide that is 12 points long. 12 point? my hands only have 10 points. and it's really not that complicated. just listen to how proper handwashing was summed up by actual physician and definitely not a plumber in a suit, dr. manny alvarez. >> the w.h.o. is reminding everybody because, you know,

groove of properly washing your hands. i call it making love to your hands. you have to make love to your hands. you have to make love. you have to sway your palms. you have to interlock your fingers. you have to rotate your thumbs. you have to make love to your hands. then you've got the technique. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, yes, yes, you have to make love to your hands. and if that's true, i was extremely hygenic in high school. but with all due respect to the doctor, you can't just jump right in to the "wham, bam, thank you hands." okay? if you're going to make love to your hands, you have to add a little romance to the situation. maybe start with a nice walk through the park. then you know what gets them in the mood? a little dancing.

hands. a little of this. a little of that. once a year, on his birthday, do a little something special. and, the next day, if you feel guilty, you go to church with the steeple. open the doors... and it's an orgy in there! all right? just follow those tips, and i promise, your hands will be clean. you will feel dirty, but your hands will be clean. now put your hands together and say hello to jon batiste and stay human. >> stephen: thank you, jon! >> jon: there it is! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i'm so glad you're here. one of the things that's nice about doing the show is that i get to know my audience, the

i feel like we have a personal relationship. you guys feel that? ( cheers and applause ) and part of a personal relationship is trust, and i feel like i can trust you. that's why a regular feature on this show that i really enjoy, is something called "midnight confessions," where i share with you things they feel bad about. and one of the things i feel bad about is that i haven't been letting you confess the things you feel bad about. i'm bogarting the confessional. so a little while ago, i invited you, my viewers, to tweet me your own confessions @thelate show with the hashtag #lateshowconfessions. and i've got to say, the response was overwhelming. i never realized i was doing this show for such a bunch of degenerates. so tonight, i'm going to confess to you the things you confessed to me. this is "stephen colbert's

edition." lauz ( organ music ) now, for the record, i'm not sure any of these are technically sins. i'm not even the one who did them. but as a catholic, i promise you, i still feel facility about them. okay, i'll be right back with your tweeted confessions. forgive me, audience, once a police officer asked if i knew why he pulled me over. i lied and said no, but i knew why." "on days i feel lazy, i shake my fitbit around to reach my step goal for the day." ( laughter ) ( applause )

confession twice in my life." audience, forgive me, i have memorized all of the scriptures in the bible where boobs are mentioned." "i've never told anyone this before, but i have no idea how plastic wrap works." ( laughter ) "i tell people that the book is better than the movie, but i don't even know if the movie has a book." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "until the sixth grade, i thought lesbians were what you called people who lived in libya." "sometimes, when i eat baby corn, i pretend its regular corn and i am dwayne the rock johnson." audience, sometimes i fake an

suspect i'm in my room scrapbooking." hold on! and finally, this one is from me. i got twitter to write an entire comedy bit for me, and i'm going to do it again. tweet me your confessions with the hashtag #late showconfessions. forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with julia louis-dreyfus. you can get a great deal on this passat. wow, it looks really good... volkswagen believes safety is very important... so all eleven models come standard with an intelligent crash response system... hmm. ...seven stability-enhancing systems... hmmm...

hmmm... for those who take safety seriously. like we do. the volkswagen safety in numbers event... is happening now! get a $1,250 volkswagen rerd card and 0% apr on new 2016 passatmode. if you misplace your discover card, you can use freeze it to prevent new purchases on your account in seconds. and once you find it, you can switch it right on again. you're back! freeze it from discover. get it at discover.com. okay, spinach. gotta get those b's in. oh, kale. yes, kale. kale, kale kale. carrots mm... beta carotene. yes, i like it. listo. mmmm. mmmm. mmmm. i feel healthier already. me too. fitness in real life.

pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. eh eh ehe eh eh want you teach it to me if your family outing is magical for all the wrong reasons. you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec is different than claritin . because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec . muddle no more . t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services...

plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each ..for just thirty-five bucks per line... ...from t-mobile. my advice for looking younger longer? get your beauty sleep and use new aveeno absolutely ageless night cream with active naturals blackberry complex. younger looking skin can start today.

why do people put milk on cereal? why does your tummy go "grumbily, grumbily, grumbily"? no more questions for you! ooph, that milk in your cereal was messing with you, wasn't it? try lactaid, it's real milk, without that annoying lactose. good, right? mmm, yeah.

( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a seven-time emmy winner and one of the funniest actors on the planet. she now stars as the president of the united states in the hbo comedy "veep." please welcome julia louis-dreyfus. ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome! >> look at this joint! >> stephen: isn't it nice? >> it's so nice. i've seen it on the tv but in real life it's crazy. >> stephen: they dolled it up real nice. >> it's real fancy pant. i like it. >> stephen: you look lovely yourself. >> thank you, i got dressed up for you. i also got you a gift.

not everybody brings me things. >> that's because i'm an unusual person. today is earth day. if you could lift this box up in honor of earth day. i brought this for you. it's gardening stuff. it's potting soil and a trowel and gardening gloves, et cetera, et cetera. >> stephen: that's nice, thank you very much. >> you're very welcome. and you know it was 4/20 this week, so i thought maybe we could do a 4/20 earth day mash-up. ( cheers and applause ) okay. >> stephen: uh-huh. time. >> i think you need to plant it before we harvest, if you know what i mean. >> stephen: i don't know. i'd put that on the cover of "high times." thank you very much. >> you're very welcome. >> stephen: your compatriot matt walsh was here yesterday and he gave me fake weed. >> oh, he gave you fake weed. weed and a bong.

now you've got real expwooed a bong. yeah. you can count on us. >> stephen: and, of course, just for legal reasons i want to say you're just kidding about the real weed. >> oh, yes. and for legal reasons i will agree with you. ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: thanks so much for coming on. we have met a couple of times in the past. >> we have, yes, we have. >> stephen: we almost met many times. we both went to northwestern university ( shouting ). >> oh, wow. >> stephen: i always have two of them. and we both worked in the same building at different times in chicago. >> in second city. >> stephen: second city in chicago. >> that's right, yes. >> stephen: and we both-- when we finally met was-- >> at this state dinner. >> stephen: yeah, the french state dinner. there you and i are, where we belong, in front of kennedy's portrait right there. >> right. >> stephen: in the white house. >> yeah. >> stephen: having played, you know, the vice president and now the president on this season. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: does washington, like, being places like that, does that feel natural to you

hell am i doing here? >> a little of both, i would say. it is an extraordinary thing to go to one of those dinners. >> stephen: yeah. >> i mean, i was waiting in line to go to my seat with justice kagan. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> that's crazy, right? we're both waiting to get to our table. >> stephen: right. >> and she's a supreme court justice. >> stephen: i know. and you know a lot of famous people, but that really gives you butterflies in your stomach when you're sitting next to somebody from the supreme court. >> completely. i have to tell you something. you know what she said to me. she told me she and justice scalia, who, of course, was alive at the time, they would get together every week and talk about the "veep" episode from the night before. no, i swear. isn't that amazing? >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> i was so psyched about that. it was strange, but i liked it. >> stephen: do they have any problem with the language from "veep"? it is absolutely scalding. >> .

will pull the paint off a trail hitch. >> and for legal reasons i will apologize. she didn't seem to have a problem with it, free speech and all. >> stephen: we have a clip here from this season, which i-- because i'm fancy i've seen a few. >> you're very fancy. >> stephen: fantastic. this is one of my favorites, and it is completely not ready to show on cbs. >> perfect, let's go. >> stephen: what we're go bto watch. jimmy. >> can we have the room? fantastic speech, ma'am. strengths, stability, and ( bleep ). >> i forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school club. didn't those ( bleep ). >> two great considerations to democracy, society and ( bleep ). >> i tried both and they're both overrated. >> my coach used to say a tie is like cizzing your sister. ( applause ). >> stephen: that was beautiful.

at hope to watch hbo, so they can hear any of that dialogue you just watched. >> sure, people on your network have no idea what this show is about because the entire thing was bleeped out. >> stephen: it was pantomime. before we move on, who did you sit with at the state dinner, by the way? >> i had the great good fortune to sit next to vice president biden. >> stephen: he's got to be a great dinner companion. everybody loves joe. >> everybody loves joe, and i know you did, too, because the interview you did on your show was off-the-charts fantastic. >> stephen: it was an honor. >> i think he's one of the most wonderful men i have ever met. he likes to talk a lot. it was pretty cool coolbecause this-- as you know, this place was packed with really amazing -- >> yes. >> people. not just people in politics, but, but, you know, in entertainment and -- >> i think j.j. abrams was at your table, right? >> no. i think that was your table. >> stephen: yeah, because i

yeah, yeah. ( laughter ). >> that was your way of get-- what was that experience like? >> stephen: oh, nerve-racking. nerve backing. when you're with these people you're like i have to be the interrogate one. when i was like everybody probably wants to be 11 with her and i'll be seven. and afterwards i said ( bleep ) i should have gone with 11. i don't think i made her laugh once? >> really. >> stephen: i don't think i did. >> that's terrible. i had the experience of being a very good audience to vice president biden. he-- he was-- he was telling me one fabulous story after another. but i will admit to you, that, you know, i was looking around saying, "oh, i have to go meet j.j. abrams," or whoever it is. and he's still talking. and, of course, you can't say to the vice president, "skews me, mr. vice president, i think i'm going to go mingle." >> stephen: did he do the forehead-to-forehead thing.

have to tell you." it's fantastic. >> it's fantastic. and i love him to death. it was around honor to be here, that's for sure. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you here. we have to take a commercial break. we'll be right back with more julia louis-dreyfus.e would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! (vo) but with nationwide it's no big deal. okay, your retirement plan is all set. nationwide? awesome. nice neighborhood. nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive insurance partner of plenti. i don't think that's how they're made. klondike hooks up with tasty flavors...

poor mouth breather. allergies? stuffy nose? can't sleep? take that. a breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than allergy medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. breathe right. in a world that's trying to turn you into someone new... ...one hair color wants to help you keep on being you. nice'n easy. natural-looking color... ...that even in sunlight, doesn't look like hair color... it just looks like you. we brought viva vantage towels to a subway to prove our stretchable, scrubby texture and cloth-like durability can clean more than just spills. if it works here, imagine how well viva will unleash clean in your home. only kraft natural cheese has a touch of philadelphia cream cheese, so whatever you make,

recently we've noticed some ads created by these two birds, inviting you to stay away from the streak free shine of windex. well dear windex users these ads are false. sfx: squeaks from window cleaning clean glass is better than dirty glass. don't stand for dirty.

( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, thank you. got that planted up. just need to water it later. i want to point out you gave me women's gloves. i can't even bend my fingers they're so small. >> i thought husmaller hands than you do. >> stephen: thank you very much, thank you very much. i'm not in any way insulted. one of the things i like about "veep--" and i was talking about this with matt when he was on here the other day-- you can't tell from the show what political party.

>> stephen: you're in season five, about to start. >> right. >> stephen: and you just got picked up for season six. congratulations. >> yay! thank you very much. ( applause ) >> stephen: americans are so tuned for, like, the dog whistle of different political parties how do you guys keep from-- we don't know what political party you're in. >> no, we don't know and we make great effort in the writing of the show to keep it somewhat indistinct. the key is that these are political animals. and so they will say-- and i play a character who will pretty much say anything to stay alive politically. so, really, we just refer to the "other party." and we never-- we never identify the party. we also-- we've also sort of created this alternate universe so that we're never parodying a particular person-- real person in politics, you know. we really try to be very careful about that. >> stephen: do politicians-- i'm sure you have spoken to a lot of them, like you said elena

that's exactly what it's like. what you do behind doors it's exactly what it likes. >> yes, it happens. very much they'll come up and say, "oh, my gosh, it's so funny. it's just like them." they always think it's the people in the other party, both. i swear to you i've had republicans and democrats come up to me and say, "you are getting them good. it's fantastic." >> stephen: i have one more card here i would like to go back to. you were with the second city and you toured right. >> i was in the touring company of second city. >> stephen: so was i and this was a place i played as well. >> chateau louise. >> stephen: people wonder what it's like to be a young comedian, and these are places you play, places like chateau louise. >> in dundee, illinois. it's a barn, and the interior is quite dark, and there was a lot of red vinyl. >> stephen: and, a lot of like sausages and cheeses cheeses in theme.

were embedded into carpeting, okay. it was foul-ass-foul. >> stephen: i remember the theme of the resort was "the aged." >> totally! >> stephen: it was just old people. >> an occasional old person in the audience who might be either asleep or pass out drunk. it was-- it was very dplamerous. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, congratulations on season five, which starts-- >> thank you very much. sunday night, the 24th. >> stephen: and season six to come. lovely to see you as always. >> thank you, such a pleasure to be here. >> stephen: julia louis-dreyfus, everybody, we'll be right back. ( applause ) crunchety butterfinger bar... ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...now that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery!

this is a body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis ...with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms.

stop further joint damage and clear skin in many adults. humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. humira. this is my body of proof! all the best stuff happens in the dark. there's dancing and music in the dark. people are youngerand better looking in the dark. see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. people get brave and daring in the dark. bowling is less sad, and making out is much more likely. so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camera

...in the dark? the new galaxy s7 edge

( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.

kingslayer jaime lannister on the emmy award winning series "game of thrones." >> you know why we use these stunts ?o to remind us not fear death. we close our eyes on this world and open them in the next. >> you must long for the next life. >> i feel that, too. >> you imprisoned and humiliated my sister. >> your sister sought the god's mercy and atoned for her sin. >> what about my sins? i broke a sacred oath and stabbed my king in the back. i killed my own cousin. when the the guards judged my brother guilty, i helped him escape that justice. what atonement do i deserve? >> stephen: please welcome

( applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> it's great to be here. >> stephen: congratulations on "game of thrones." 18.4 million people watched every week, it's in 70 countries. did you imagine when you started this it would be such a huge hit? >> no, of course, not. there were times we shot the pilot, which is the first episode. you know, when you tell people you're doing this show on hbo, and they go, "wow, that's so cool." and you say, well, tet "it's a fantasy, dragons." they go, oh, that's not good." and then when we shot it, it's sometimes you kind of go this could-- this could be like a comedy, almost. this could be funny in the wrong way. >> stephen: 83. >> but it wasn't. it turned out real well. >> stephen: no, no, no. >> we got lucky. >> stephen: it turned out to be tragedy that everybody wants to enjoy. >> i know, i know

>> stephen: other people suffering. are you surprised so many women watch it? it has a huge female audience. it's a lot of blood and guts, a lot of chop-up and stuff like that. >> the parts for the women, the women on the show are amazing. >> stephen: your sister. >> my sister is an amazing character, of course, the dragon lady, they're all-- they're very, very strong powerful women as women are, you know. they're not just, you know, the wife just applauding her husband. >> stephen: no, this shows a breakthrough because they get to chop up people. >> they get to chop up people and do horrible things. >> stephen: speaking of doing horrible things. you're the kingslayer in this, but do you think jaime lannister is a bad guy or good guy? >> i don't think he's either/or. what's interesting about-- i have never done a show that ran for so long. but what's fun about this-- for

that-- or anyone here. >> stephen: no, me. >> okay, you you. you find that moment in your life you did something you're not proud of, something horrible. and you start the movie about you at that exact moment. it's going to take a-- maybe a little while in the movie before you realize, well, he's not that bad. he's kind of a cool guy, and maybe there was a reason he did that. and i think that's what's interesting about jamie, the first time we see hip, he has this very intimate relation with his sister -- >> very intimate. >> very, and then this kid comes in and pushes him out this window while he says the the things i do for love chirk found was really interesting. and i was like, wow. that's so-- it's beyond dark. but then later you find out, well, he tried to kill this kid. you shouldn't do that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: hold on, let me write that down should not do... got it. is he a romantic.

if the choice is, okay, i kill this kid or my kids die, then suddenly it's not just-- it's not so easy anymore. and that was why he did. and i think he was a romantic. >> stephen: when you explain it that way, i forgive you. >> well, thank you. >> stephen: you're also-- you're from denmark. >> yes. >> stephen: and from a little town in denmark, right? >> tine gle as americans we picture denmark as-- we think hamlet and smoked fish, and we think, like, sparse, like wooden furniture and hans christian anderson. >> it's all true. >> stephen: i know it's all true. but are there things we need to. that we should been ken mark that we don't, anything that goes against stereotype? >> well, i think we're very much like you people. ( laughter ) you know? >> stephen: we're not so different, you and i. >> we're not so different. >> stephen: it is like staring in a mirror. >> that's how i feel. i mean, what else --

we have a picture of melancholy danes? are you sald people? we think of you as really depressed. >> there are all these things saying we're the happiest people in the world. >> stephen: bernie sanders think we should be denmark. you have the social system and sort of social safety nets that america should have. and you're being used a cujil. bill o'reilly says, "there are 17 people in denmark. they can pay for that stuff." how many people in denmark. >> five million. there's mott that many. i think-- the systems are different. there are good things and bad things. i kind of like the idea-- it's just me, maybe because i'm used to it, it's where i grew up-- that you pay your taxes and once you've done that, you don't have to worry about having to pay for your medical bills or sending your kids to school or all those things. it's taken care of. i think that's good.

and, also, no one talks about tax as the worst thing in the world. >> stephen: no one in america could run on the idea i'm going to raise your taxes. >> isn't it also kind of weird that you talk about it. we talk about, okay, i make $100, and they take 20%. i only have 80 left. but what if you make $200 and you pay 40% in tax? well, then it's still a better deal, isn't it? so shouldn't you look at what you have after you pay the taxes than before? >> stephen: don't run for president in the united states. ( laughter ) >> why? >> stephen: because you can't even-- you can't at say to anybody-- you can't say to anybody in the united states, "yeah, i'm going to raise your taxes a little bit but you're going to be happy afterwards." >> i didn't say that. >> stephen: you're implying that the person should be happy whatever you leave them. "i'm going to leave you some and you should be happy," you're saying. >> i'm saying if you get more out of it, isn't it a better deal?

your country you trust the government. in your country you trust the government. in the united states, we have, since reagan, been taught not to trust the government. the government is the problem. and you guys think the government can actually solve some problems. >> well, yeah, but then again as i said it's a different system. >> stephen: do you have a huge military over this? >> no, we have you guys to take care of it. >> stephen: a-ha! bigo. >> thank you, thank you so much. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. >> stephen: "game of thrones" returns to hbo this sunday. nikolaj coster-waldau, everyone! we'll be right back.y be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec is different than claritin . because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec . muddle no more . hello! nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch.

what emoji would you use to describe the design? (sfx: message sent) i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! ...it has available built-in 4g lte wifi (sfx: message sent) rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. this car gets an epa estimated 40 mpg highway. this car is like a unicorn. it's magical! to those caked in flour... coated in dust... even covered in lava. to all the beautiful mess makers. keep it up... with delta touch2o technology, you can. see what delta can do. dove men+care. the strength test. like leather, skin is stronger when it's hydrated. that's why dove men+care bodywash has a unique hydrating formula to leave skin healthier and stronger. i should ask but i don't want to know how you get something for nothing at all you want it, you got it

dum dum dum da dum da dum heya go paperless, don't stress, girl i got the discounts that you need safe driver accident-free everybody put your flaps in the air for me go paperless, don't stress, girl i got the discounts that you need safe driver accident-free everybody put your flaps in the air for me i can't lip-synch in these conditions. savings

( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. it is friday here and on the "late show" "that means one thing: "friday night fights!" a no-holds barred showdown between two things like the easter bunny vs. big bird, or basketball michael jordan vs. baseball michael jordan. cap'n crunch vs. the roof of your mouth. then we post those match-ups on twitter we and let you vote on the winners. this is... >> audience: friday night fights! ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights!" we're all fired up. first up, let's look at the results of our last friday night fight, where my opponent was noted funny large-man rob riggle. the matchup was the girl from the ring vs. casper the friendly ghost. rob went with casper, and it was a squeaker, folks, but with 53% of your votes, the winner was me with the girl from the ring! in your face, rob riggle. ( applause ) i beat you the way i beat all my opponents-- by letting a little girl fight for me. now lets meet this week's opponent. he's an actor, a screenwriter, and felix on cbs's "the odd couple," put your hands together for thomas lennon! ( cheers and applause ) good to see you, my friend.

thomas, thanks so much for being here. we've known each other a long time. you're a formidable opponent. you know i respect you, don't you? >> thank you, i'm glad to be here for "friday night fights." let's do this. now, as a member of "the odd couple," you're no stranger to unlikely pairings. so you ready to get messy? let's get messy. >> stephen: then let's do it, because tonight is a rare tag team edition, pitting gandalf and optimus prime versus dumbledore and voltron. let's go to the tale of the tape. first up, gandalf and optimus prime. coming in at a combined 4.3 metric tons, and more of that is gandalf than he would like to admit. strengths include gandalf's impervious to fire attacks and optimus prime's ability to turn into an 18-wheeler in case they need to move any bulk dry goods down the interstate. weaknesses include gandalf's constant smoking of the hobbit's pipe weed means he might be a little freaked out by a giant talking robot. but they're not the only wizard-robot combo on the block.

team of dumbledore and voltron. coming in at 700 tons, the headmaster of hogwarts has a new class of students: five far-out teenagers piloting mechanical space lions who combine to form a 180-foot humanoid fighting machine. strengths include functional lion mouths for hands and feet and tenure. weaknesses include osteoperosis and being made of teenagers, meaning half of voltron wants to hook up with the other half. okay, thomas, who do you like in this one? optimus the grey or dumbletron? what say you? >> stephen, i think like a lot of americans i have worried about this exact scenario for a long time. and i think it would be catastrophic for muggles, for humans, i pick-- i think this is a landslide. the last time there was a match-up like this was tyson butterbean. and the tyson right here, clearly, is optimus prime and gandalf.

think gandalf the gray and y'all prime could take down dimbledore and voltron who is not one partner but five partners. >> we'll get to that. let's start with-- let's start with-- first of all, dimbledore, while a powerful wizard who has an elder wand he is mostly a bureaucrat. he runs hogwaters. >> stephen: gandalf is a hobo! gandalf is basically a hobo! he doesn't even have a castle. >> gandalf has a sword that has its own name it's glamderring. >> stephen: just glamdring, no "the." i don't want to get technical on you. you're up in my house right now. >> let's get back -- >> voltron has a sword that is almost 70 feet long. voltron has a sword as well jiecialg let's get back to your favorite wizard, dimbledore -- >> he's not my favorite wizard, but i think he can take him. >> who has to keep his memories

>> stephen: that's how many he has. that's how many he has. let me tell you how tough dimbledore is. the guy is hartless. he lets school children do his fighting for him, okay. he will send the kids out to clog up the intake valves, the carburetor of optimus with children. >> he protected the children from serious black. that is a lapse in government. >> stephen: are we talking gandalf the gray or gandalf the white. dimbledore not immortal. gandalf, mortality is like a box of crayons. goes off gandalf the gray, comes back as gandalf the white. comes back again, gandalf the chartreuse. >> stephen: you have a magical wizard. i have a magical wizard. can we agree the wizards cancel each other out. you can agree to that? i do not agree to that.

>> stephen: you just surrendered to my wizard. >> i didn't. >> stephen: optimus prime is the size of vol tran's leg. >>... surrendered to your mortal alert. oh, i got an actual boo. >> stephen: yes, they're actually against ow this one. optimus prime. >> stephen: yes. >> leader of the autobot, the most powerful autobot. and not to brag i know athmusprime. >> perhaps you should take your memories back out of the bowl in your office and put them in your head. would that be helpful to you? >> i saw it and was confuse gld you were in the movie? i was met second hobbit movie and i can tell you right now-- and i hate to blow your illusions here but a lot of that gandalf stuff was being done by an act porp he doesn't all donetsk all that stuff. >> let's keep this in mind about optimus prime. not only powerful missiles weaponnized.

course, he can ba -- >> he's only the size of an '-wheeler. he coanl be the size of an 18 wheeler. vol tranis 180 feet tall and he can flief. can optimus prime fly? no. >> yes, he can. >> stephen: he runs. >> he can jump very, very high. he can jump so high that it's basically flying. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, sure. >> optimus prime has survived four films with michael bey. megan fox two, me, part of one. >> stephen: that is a good point. that is a good power plant. i apologize. let's let these people pick a winner right out here. ( cheers and applause ) america. get on twitter and vote, gandalf and optimus prime vs. dumbledore and voltron. you makes the decision. this has been... >> "friday night fights"! thomas lennon, everybody. we'll be right back with

thank you, thomas. (politely) wait, wait, wait! you can't put it in like... ...that, you have to rinse it first that's baked- on alfredo. baked-on? it's never gonna work. dish issues? cascade platinum... powers... through... your toughest stuck-on food. so let your dishwasher be the dishwasher. see? told you it would work.

no other scents feel like glade. melt your mood with our hawaiian breeze fragrance. feel relaxed, feel glade. nexium 24hr is the #1 selling frequent heartburn brand in america. "i hope you like it spicy" get complete protection with the purple pill. the leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. straight talk wireless... is the same, but better than your current plan. yeah, it's gonna blow your mind. with the bring your own phone activation kit... you keep your same phone... same 4g lte network... and same number. so what's better? how about paying half as much... with no contract or mystery fees. because straight talk's unlimited plan... is just $45 bucks a month. it's not just better... it's...amazing! stupendous! it's... well, you get the idea.

( applause ) s. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a very funny comedian, and it turns out, nine years ago, was one of my interns. please welcome sam morrel. ( applause ) >> hey, hey. i just met my biological father, and the place he took me out to lunch turned out to be a family style restaurant. kind of ironic. they should make broken family style restaurants. just walk in like, "where's the waiter? did this guy abandon us or something? they forget to come out and sing happy birthday."

next year we're going to nail it." the other guy says i don't work here. i just sleep with the owner. i'll be your stepwaiter." i feel bad for kids we tell them they can be exg but don't give them the odds. my kid says can i grow up to work in the m.b.t.a. i said it's possible but let's look at this chart i took the liberty of putting in your height and weight. it doesn't look good. and it doesn't look good. you're a tiny jew. that's why we named you t.j." this whole hulk hogan thing bums

that sex tape. he's bald but also with a mullet. it's a strange exwungz. he's shredded and in great shape. is he young? he 75. he's an older guy, he's probably a good dresser. mostly spandex. at least no one knows you had sex with him. let me stop you again? that's all anyone ever talks to me about. relationships are hard. i was watching that movie "annie hall" on tv the other day. my girlfriend came home. she's complaining about her office drama. i'm tuning her out because the movie is on. she got mad. she said are you ignoring me for "annie hall"? i said i'm sorry, was your story nominated for seven academy awards? not even costume design. we got into an argument about caitlyn jenner. i get it. people were insensitive in the transition process. people were like what the hell. and she became a woman and a lot of those same people were like she's very pretty.

got my eyebrows done my friends would be you're a wuss. but if i became a woman they would be like you're very brave. she said you don't get it. you're a straight white man. caitlyn had it hard. has she? caitlyn jenner has never worked a job in her life. she's been coasting off bruce's success her entire existence. ( applause ) that guy trained hard every day to give her a better life. i like a curvy woman, a voluptuous woman. i coapt know who came up with the stick-thin model look. i think it was the fashion industry, which means mostly homosexual men. gay guys are like these are the hot chicks. and straight guys are like if you say so. i mean, i'll have sex with most of them, but i'm not happy about it. ( laughter ) why did gay guys get to choose who the hot women are? that's like if straight guys got to decide which is the best broadway show? be like, "all right, and the

'rocki' again." ( applause ) i get ashamed what i find attractive sometimes. i see a woman who is really hot but she has a terrible personality and my penis pops up. damn it, penis. personality should matter, but it doesn't. not to my penis. having a penis is like having a republican son-- it's a part of me so i have to support it, but these are not the views they endorse. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think women look at sex differently. women look at sex like buying a car. "can i see myself in this long term? is it safe? is it reliable? could it kill me?" men look at sex like parking a car. we're like, "there's a spot." "there's another spot. that would work. oh, i have to pay? never mind." thank you so much, guys.

>> stephen: sam morrel legal in exwoghtam comedy club tomorrow and his album is available on itunes. we'll be right back. all across america families are coming back to time warner cable for a whole new experience. we came back for internet speeds so fast even the kids are impressed. oh she's impressed. we're catching up on movies and shows on demand just as fast as we can watch them. twc's home wifi is so strong we can use all our devices at the same time.

you'll get 100 meg internet, tv, phone and more for $89.99 a month. and now, get a $300 reward card. call today. it seems like a cold at first. you can't concentrate, can't sleep. before long it's all you can think about. you feel anxious and uncertain. until one day you realize, this could be it. you've done it,

a little suffering now can save a lot of suffering later. stop before the real suffering starts. you can quit smoking. talk with your doctor. >> stephen: that's it for the late show. iment to thank sam morrel. tune in monday when my guests