tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 27, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
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have a good night. >> stephen. you got a seclrks. i was hoping we could meet there's a lot going on. >> stephen: right now. >> you know the bit where we raise the baby on the show -- >> did i see goose go into the men's room hold on. >> there's no goose. >> stephen: hold on. yup. sorry, false alarm. no, sorry, it was a duck. i apologize. >> tonight, stephen welcomes susan sarandon, david tennant, and a musical performance by
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featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the "the late show" with stephen colbert." captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: good to see you. hey! hay, mark! welcome to "the late "the late show" everybody. thanks so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks so much. you're very kind. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i like to come out here with
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afraid tonight i have some shock news. is everyone sitting down? good. that would be odd for you to be standing up right now. it concerns our friends at apple computers. >> i have apple news and it's bad news. the company just reported its worst earnings in 13 years. it would mark the first time in history that sales of the iphone have dropped. >> stephen: this is unbelievable. apple is supposed to be invincible, but it turns out they're as fragile as an iphone screen. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i am-- i am so upset because i love apple! i got the watch. i got the pods. i got the pads. i got the phones. sometimes i even refer to myself as "i." ( laughter ) i mean, how did this happen? is this my fault? there was that one time on vacation i bought a third-party charger. was that it?
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or was it the fact after snow leopard and lion i didn't upgrade to el capitan. i didn't trust it because it wasn't the nameave big game cat. i can only imagine how this is affecting moral at apple. i better check in. hello, siri? >> what? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm just checking in. what's the weather going to be like? >> it's dark and meaningless. ( laughter ) >> stephen: siri, i gotta say, you sound really down. are you okay? >> it's fine. i'm just tired. i'm going to bed. ( laughter ). >> stephen: look, siri, do you want to talk about it? >> why don't you talk about it with your samsung galaxy. ( laughter ).
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don't-- but-- i don't eye promise you, i don't have a galaxy. >> then why don't you ever swipe me anymore. i'm fat. >> stephen: no, you're not fat. you're thinner than ever. you know what would cheer siri up, jon batiste and stay human, everybody. siri, listen to this. >> stephen: mmm. mmm. ( cheers and applause ) jon, you like the apple, right? >> jon: yes, i do. i did a nice ad for apple. >> stephen: you did the apple watch ad. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: very sexy. very sexy. do you like it? do you enjoy it?
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it's a nice convenience. ( laughter ). >> stephen: in what way? like what, does it do for you? >> jon: i'm trying to learn how to tell time on it. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: getting back to the show, yesterday, they held presidential primaries in five states in what some are calling super tuesday 4 and what we'll eventually call day one year zero of the before trump times. this is "the road to the white house." >> i love to hear babies cry. >> stephen: now, on the democratic side yesterday, it was a huge night for hillary clinton, who won four out of five states, though bernie sanders did clinch rhode island, the participation trophy of primary caucuses. hey, buddy! hey, buddy! it's not about who wins want nomination as long as you had fun out there.
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the word is these losses have forced sanders to reassess his campaign and lay off hundreds of staff members. so it might be time for supporters to stop feeling the bern and just head for the hills. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now on the republican side-- donald trump swept all five states and picked up so many delegates that it's looking more than ever like this fall, the choice will be between hillary clinton and donald trump, the match-up america did something to deserve. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't know what. i'm so sorry. so-- so sorry. and trump has already started going after clinton. >> the only thing she's got going is the woman card. without the woman card, she's got nothing going. she's playing the woman's card, and it's like give me a break. you know the only thing she's got is it the woman card. that's all she's got. you know, it's a weak card in
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could be a very powerful card. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, if you put that woman's card in a man's hand, that would be very powerful. also, it would keep you out of a bathroom in north carolina. ( cheers and applause ) and just listen to what trump claims this woman's card entitles clinton to. >> well, i think the only card she has is the woman's card. she's got nothing else going. and, frankly, if hillary clinton were a man, i don't think she'd get 5% of the vote. >> stephen: yeah. can you imagine electing a man named clinton? come on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and donald, and donald can say all this pause he's playing something called the man card. okay. all of us guys get one of these, okay. they're great. get you paid more. allows you to explain things to women about women.
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and as a white man, mine's also a "get out of jail free" card. ( applause ) and say-- ( applause ) and say whatever you want about trump-- and i do frequently-- after celebrating all last night, he was right back in campaign mode at the crack of dawn today. he called into all the morning shows-- "fox and friends," "good morning america" cnn "new day" "morning joe," "dorra the explorer." it did get a little awkward when he said boots should be deported. ( laughter ) now, trump has been rey sifting frequent calls to change the the tone of his presidential campaign, but this morning we heard a different donald trump. >> sound presidential for us. >> i get more and more presidential as i have victories, absolutely. >> sounds like he's lying in bed. >> what do you mean? >> no, i'm not. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no. no, i'm not.
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i'm sitting on the toilet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) fabulous. ( cheers ) it's fabulous. donald trump just showed us exactly how he'd sound as president when he gets that 3:00 a.m. phone call. "what? a bomb? build a wall around it. make the terrorists pay for it. i gotta pee." and this, all this was after he had already phoned in a dynamic performance on cnn. >> let's talk about indiana. that will be the big stand for this so-called alliance between kasich and cruz. do you have the energy to take them on? you sound pretty beat this morning? >> yeah, no, i'm not beat. i did get up a little bit early to do your show. i wanted-- you know, you asked me to do it, and i'm doing it. >> stephen: sleepy or not, that does sum up his vision of
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asked me to do it and i'm doing it. what do you want me to do? hello? ( applause ) if that is donald trump at his most presidential, i, for one, look forward to his inaugural. >> hello? am i on? i do solemnly swear all the stuff, gonna up hold it all. malania, i said no smoothies during inauguration! >> stephen: on the other hand, yesterday was tough for ted cruz. the only state he won was denial. ( laughter ) cruz knew he had no chance in yesterday's five states, so instead, he focused all his energies on next week's indiana primary where he rallied supporters by attempting to qoalt the classic indiana underdog movie "hoosiers." >> the amazing thing is that basketball ring here in indiana, it's the same height as it is in
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place in this country. >> stephen: yes, that basketball ring is the same height everywhere in the country just like how everywhere in the country, it is not called a basketball ring. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, cruz-- ( cheers ) cruz-- cruz has caught a lot of grief online for the gaffe, and on top of all the losing, he's got to be feeling pretty low right now. so, ted, if you're watching, it's time for a halftime pep talk. let's do this thing. ( cheers and applause ) all right, ted, get in here. let's take a knee. listen up, ted. so you called a basketball hoop a basketball ring. who cares? buck up. there's no crying in sportball. ( laughter ) you gotta keep bouncing that leather balloon down the wood room. you gotta dig long and down on the ground to give 110 degrees.
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where it happens because winning isn't all of the things! it's the only stuff. ( laughter ) ask yourself what would ring ball legends like ph.d. jay, or michael jordache, or master illusionist johnson do? because it ain't over till it's done. there's no "i" in tim, and winners never quit qid itch. ( cheers and applause ) you need the eye of the stripy cat that's not a lion. go out there and sport your blood pumper out. after all, jesus is-- jesus is watching everything you do! even in the showers. ( laughter ) and, remember, ( laughter ) focus up! focus up! ( cheers and applause )
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>> thank you! oh! that's so nice. >> stephen: they're lovely people. thank you so much for being here. >> i'm so happy to be here! this is, like, the real you compared to the other show. >> stephen: year, exactly. >> i like that. >> stephen: oh, thank you very much. is this the real you? >> no. >> stephen: no? i suppose as an actress, do you ever have trouble turning it off and being yourself? >> i don't even know who that is anymore. >> stephen: that's interesting. what happened to your leg down there? >> that i know. i fell down a mountain when i was climbing in colombia and i fractured my ankle. it's almost better. >> stephen: how far of a fall? that sounds very dangerous. >> i was very smart. i did it at the very bottom. >> stephen: at the bottom. if you're going to fall down a mountain, definitely do it at the bottom. >> where someone could pick me
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doing in cartagena. >> i was at the festival. >> stephen: the cartagena festival? >> yeah, and i had one of my sons with me and i wanted to see some of the other part and we went five hours away. and it was great! up until them. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, that's what sons are for is to carry you back. >> yeah, and he's a big guy. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: did he give you a piggyback? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have a photo of that or anything? >> no. >> stephen: that sound luke a memory of a lifetime. >> we made a lot of memories on that trip. >> stephen: one of the things i love about your acting, all the characters that you've played, at least the ones i've seen, and i have seen a lot-- they're all very passionate and very intelligent characters. is that what you are approached with or does everything sort of come out as passionate and intelligent once it goes through the susan sarandon filter? >> in my business it's not always a plus to be intelligent so, you know, that's something that sneaks in there. >> stephen: just acting in general? it's better to travel light up here?
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you know, you don't want to be burdened by a vision, you know what i'm saying? i don't know. i think a part of you goes-- i just am interested in love stories. i think it's so brave when people reach out to another person and are vulnerable so that's what they have in common, i think. and i don't know, whatever part of me, sense of humor, or whatever, you know, just end up there. i don't know. >> stephen: well, the new movie is called "the meddler." >> "the meddler." >> stephen: "the meddler" and you are the medler. >> i know, and i meddled trying to get that changed, that title, but it didn't work. >> stephen: you tried to meddle with the director and producer? >> yeah, because i thought it sounded so negative and really, you know, she's somebody that just lost her job when her husband died. she no longer could nurture him, and was-- so she follows her daughter, rose byrne, and she does a little too much present, too many bagels every day, that kind of thing. and then anybody that comes in, you know, in contact with her, she kind of helps them, even if
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so, i mean, there are worse things than -- >> there are worse. >> than being generous and kind. >> stephen: to be meddled meddled with is to be cared for. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: do you meddle in your own life? >> absolutely, yeah! and my kids meddle back. >> stephen: oh, really? >> totally. >> stephen: it's considered a positive thing. >> well, we don't call it meddling. when i go from new york to l.a. where my son, jack-- who carried me-- i always bring bagels from new york. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's not meddling. >> no! but in the movie they say it's meddling. what is it? >> stephen: it's carbo loading. >> and they tell me, they weigh in on stuff that i do. but i would never know about half the stuff on tv or new music or whatever if they didn't fill me in and i do the same for them. >> stephen: "mom, sit down, we're going to hip you to the scene." is that what happens? >> no, nathan, for you, do you know that, mom? no, i don't have a tv, either. that makes it more complicated.
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thing and we watch that or utonia. >> stephen: when you say, "get out their little thing, "what do they get out? just curious. >> they get out their little computer or do some really interesting thing where then it comes through on a tv. >> stephen: that's cool. they toss it up. we're going to put something up on tv right now. this is you in "the meddler" as the medler. >> and we're on valentine's day, just the two of us, tragically, and her ex-boyfriend, who she is still very much in love with, coincidentally, shows up with his new crush. >> stephen: all right, jim. >> well, we don't want to interrupt here your girl time. it's fine. we're just doing a trief-by until i go out later. i didn't want her to have to spend valentine's day alone. alone, either. >> i'm not alone. >> no, we're together. >> until later, when i'm meeting other people. sleepover. >> no. >> that's so cute! close. >> oh! well, maybe when you get older.
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( applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: speaking of meddling, you don't meddle, but you are involved in politics. you make that part of your life. >> i am a citizen. >> stephen, of course,, of course, that's admirable. >> so i exercise my rights ( applause ). >> stephen: we've got to take a little break. when we come back, i understand you're a supporter of bernie sanders. >> i am. >> stephen: another i would love to talk-- can we talk about that a little bit when we come back. >> absolutely. >> stephen: stick around, we're going to talk about bernie with susan. ar ( applause ) and with this many new flavors trust me, you'll be glad you can try three. like creamy baked lobster alfredo and grilled chimichurri shrimp and panko-crusted crab cakes bursting with crabmeat.
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>> stephen: and a patriot, okay. you are a supporter of bernie sanders and i want to point out we have this photo-- which i believe you provided for us. this is you and hillary clinton right there. >> i know you. >> stephen: seem very friendly. >> look how happy we were. and then i had to break up with her. >> stephen: why did you-- you're such a beautiful couple. why did you break up? >> well, i told her, don't go in iraq. i'm very upset about that. >> stephen: this is before 2003. >> absolutely. and i said, you know, there's not enough evidence. and there's no exit strategy. you know, everything that everybody was saying. and she went in. so i was, like, who is this person? i can't trust her. and then she became secretary of state. >> stephen: yes. >> i'm an environmentalist. you know, fracking is absolutely the worst thing you can do for the environment. ( applause ) methane ruins the water. she goes behind my bark and she's selling it all over the world. >> stephen: so she didn't check in with you? she didn't check in with you when she was secretary of state.
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she's selling monsanto. >> stephen: you don't want what in your cereal? >> roundup. >> stephen: how can i trust her? and then i'm like, you know, i'm a feminist. we need a $15 minimum wage. women need to be able-- ( applause ) right. she says impossible, impossible, impossible. >> stephen: she's changed her mind on that. >> no, she's still saying that. we went ahead and did it in new york, and she goes up next to cuomo and signs it. how can i go back with her? i don't trust her. you know? >> stephen: really, here is who you do seem to trust. this is a picture of you looking at bernie, who, evidently, is dangling from the rafters in a harness. but you actually look like-- this looks less like a political follower and like a painting of the virgin mary being visited by the angel gabriel. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: to the point where look how easy it is to make you
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>> i want to take that home. may i take that home? >> stephen: you may take that home. what is it you see in bernie? what makes you so moon-eyed. >> first of all, he has been consistently, morally in the right place my entire life. and to have that kind of-- ( applause ) voting, you know, whether it's trade agreements, whether or not the war, and especially for me because i asked questions about going into iraq and really paid a price for it. when i saw him stand up. and if you google his speech, it's just so clear against the war. at a time-- you know, gay rights, everything, before it became easy. he's always there before it becomes simple. and you need somebody that has the moral judgment beforehand, not when it's safe. >> stephen: but he's on-- he's a little bit on-- ( applause ) he had-- he had a rough day yesterday. he is now 150 $s behind-- >> but you know what's so great? you don't seem like you're going to be ready for this answer.
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>> stephen: no, no, i'm just curious what's going to be so great. >> they're all open primaries now. >> stephen: what? >> yeah all the rest of the primaries -- >> republicans can vote on the democratic side. >> because independents can vote, and he does very, very well with independent s. >> stephen: he has to get the superdelegates to come over to his side, which is an undemocratic thing according to him so he would have to use the thing he's criticizing her for using in order to beat her, that would be like-- >> calm down, calm down -- >> he's going to have to go against his own values to beat her. >> yeah, we're going to have to have a contested one. and what's going to happen is that people are going to have to discuss the whole process and the platform and really listen to people that they're not normally listening to. >> stephen: i'll listen to-- ( applause ). >> because -- >> i will listen to anything you say if you just keep holding my hand this entire time. so if bernie loses-- >> i might go there and hold hands. >> stephen: if bernie is not the nominee, would you vote for hillary clinton? >> i'm not dealing with that yet.
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>> stephen: well, you said-- if i get this right-- you said, "trump might bring the revolution faster." what ask that mean? >> i said, "some people say trump might--" you know, i'm more afraid of actually hillary clinton's war record and her hawkishness than i am of building a wall. but that doesn't mean they would vote for trump. and i'm not sure trump's going to get it. i think all kinds of crazy things could happen at those conventions. i hope you're going to be covering them. you're going to have a wild time. >> stephen: i think we definitely will be talking about them, we definitely will be talking about them. >> yeah. >> stephen: it pays the rent around here. >> yeah. >> stephen: so you wouldn't vote for trump over hillary? >> oh, i mean, come on. who's going to vote for trump? seriously. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: a lot of people. no, a lot of people. >> no, you've got -- >> a lot of people. >> yeah, a lot of people, but not a lot of women, not a lot of minorities. once you get the information out there-- he's been doing really well against a crowded field. un.
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>> stephen: well if-- well if-- whoever gets the nomination on the democratic side, please come back and talk to us about it again and whatever your next meddlesome project is. >> okay. i will. >> stephen: thank you so much, susan. "the meddler" is out now in new york and los angeles, nationwide in may. susan sarandon, everybody. we'll be right back. when a rear hatch remembers your height. when systems can help sense your surroundings.
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please welcome david tennant. ( applause ) >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> and you. thank you for having me. >> stephen: as i said before. i think a lot of people may know you as the tenth dr. who. ( applause ). >> there are some people who do, i think. >> stephen: one of the few young, sort of young, sexy whos out there. >> well -- >> there have been older sexies who out there. >> thank you very much, stephen. >> stephen: who are the most-- >> sexiest? >> stephen: who are the most fervent fans who come up to you? you're also in harry potter, you're a well-known shakespearean actor. is it the shakespeare people, the dr. who people, the harry potter people? who are the most wild eyed when they meet you? >> i prefer term "enthusiastic." i don't want to condemn people
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i think dr. who fans get a bad rap on that front. they're terribly intelligent, wonderful people, frankly. ( applause ) you see? you see. >> stephen: i didn't realize people from the british isles could pander that well. beautifully done. you don't want to condemn anybody. it could sound great to be condemned with that accent of yours. >> you think. >> stephen: you could really curse somebody out. >> would you like me to condemn you. >> stephen: please condemn me. >> that sounds vaguely kinky. >> stephen: it would sound medieval when you yell at someone. >> i can do medieval yelling. i'm in a shakespeare play. >> stephen: you're richard ii. and it's a sort of a lesser known shakespeare play. it's not performed all that much but i love it because it's about a weak king who is deposed. >> it's a lesson in how not to lead a country, yes. there are some people who could
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he's not the greatest king. and it's the story of how he gets deposed, really. >> stephen: here's a picture of you actually playing richard ii. lovely look. ( applause ) it's a lovely look, yeah. >> all my own hair. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you saved it up? you saved it up over the years and pasted it to your head? >> i did. >> stephen: you were part of a recent celebration, celebrating 400th year since shakespeare's death. >> that's it. april 23 was the anniversary. >> stephen: and why do you think shakespeare is still so resonant to us today? why is he still important? >> because he has a way of saying things that has never been better. he's got a way of getting to the nub of what it is to be a human being. and he says it better than anyone has done since, i think. >> stephen: well, there are many phrases that are-- they're modern phrases but shakespeare invented them, they appeared in plays.
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>> stephen: just made them up? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: wow. he made up "eating me out of house and home." "be all and end all" is from "macbeth." kill with kindness from the taming of the shrew. all that glitters is not gold "the merchant of venice." if he was doing stuff today, we would have to pay residuals every time we used one of those phrases. are you one of those people who thinks shakespeare didn't write shakespeare gidon't really care. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'll write that >> yeah. >> stephen: not care. though? >> i know some people get very, very exercised about it. and there are all sorts of conspiracy theories that it was the duke of something or the-- you know. the widow of somebody else. it sort of doesn't matter. what exist are the plays. whoever wrote them was obviously quite clever. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: i don't understand why you would hide the fact that you'd written these beautiful things. >> no! >> stephen: what is the motivation for giving the credit to somebody else? >> there are all sorts of things that it wasn't the-- because being a playwright back then was not an exalted profession. so there is a theory if you're the earl of do-da, or duke of huff-huffington. >> stephen: i hear that's a lovely part of england, huff-huffington. >> maybe you would have to hide behind some sort of locally actor. there's something rather snobbish about it. >> stephen: exactly. that a common man couldn't have written this stuff. >> didn't have the brainpower. >> stephen: are you common? >> i'm as common as mock no, i'm fr scotland. >> stephen: they don't have fancy people in scotland? >> very, very few. very, very few. >> stephen: they knot their
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>> and they certainly don't have accents like mine. >> stephen: you did a celebration on the bbc, of the 400th anniversary of shake peer and a bunch of actors got to stage to do "to be or not to be." >> there were many competing to say the famous "to be or not to be." >> stephen: you had a special guest come on at the last moment to teach you all how to do it. jim. ( cheers and applause ). >> just, just a minute. just a minute. ( laughter ) to be or not to be. that is the question. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: missed his calling. missed his calling. >> there he is, the finest comic actor of our generation. >> stephen: absolutely. >> absolutely. >> stephen: hardest work he's done all month.
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>> if i said that back home i'd get a trip to the tower. i'm glawd said it and not me. >> stephen: "richard ii" is at the brooklyn academy of music for one more day. >> one more show. i think i came on your show a little late. >> stephen: everyone watching, just go. there will be a ticket for you i'm sure. david tennant, everybody.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. you know, a show like this has a lot of big-time sponsors, like sony and geico and all of them. and they're like family, and we're grateful for their support. but we also offer lower ad rates for some smaller, lesser known sponsors. and i feel like it's high time they acknowledge some of them as well. this is "late show" lesser sponsor roundup." again, i am doing this merely because i am grateful for all the support of all of my sponsors. so here we go. in addition to our big sponsors,
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to you by iron forge university online blacksmith college. we have three-to-1 teacher ratio and one of the lowest scalding rates in the industry. smelt your future with iron forge u.. we also broadcast this show courtesy of sweet baby loudmouth. the doll for kids that screams like a man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) pace yourself. there's a lot of these. ( laughter ) we're also underwritten by the methalizer. it's the only breathalize they're lets you know if you're too drunk to cook meth. ( applause ) the "late show" is also grateful to its longtime sponsor "gross pointe blank" starring john cusack.
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it really holds up. we're also brought to you by grandma annie's animal poison. poison them all and let god sort them out, the grandma annie way. we also are lucky enough to have some high-tech sponsors out there, like gordon's quest for playstation 4. you are gordon henderson. are you going to the pharmacy. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) the "late show" also receives limited funding from the american barley council. the barley council-- pack that hot little mouth with some barley. ( laughter ) consideration for the "late show" is also provided by the carl ray allen probably innocent projects. he seemed so nice.
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sponsor of the "late show,"" a product i use myself, the coonch. finally, a couch made out of raccoons. supplies will last. ( applause ) and, of course. ( cheers and applause ) we couldn't do it without viewers like you. we'll be right back after this word from some actual sponsors. jackpot! to your living room. look under your seats! [squeals of delight]
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just to meet you on your fag break and you convinced me to put life aside and want you and if only for the sake of it i could chill you out and drive us through the night to your sister's and you can fall asleep with my jacket as a cover and wake up just to join me to smoke i wanted everything at once until you blew me out my mind now i don't need nothing maybe i don't act the way i used to 'cause i don't feel the same that i did the fact that i lie because i want you and if only for the sake of it
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and drive us through the night to your sister's and you can fall asleep with my jacket as a cover and wake up just to join me to smoke i wanted everything at once until you blew me out my mind and now i don't need nothing i wanted everything at once until you blew me out my mind and now i don't need nothing we'll be talking
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and how it never left you much because you grew up in a small town you'll appreciate it more when you're done figuring your life out and everything's fine and everything's fine and everything's fine and everything's fine we'll be talking 'bout your background and how it never left you much because you grew up in a small town you'll appreciate it more when you're done figuring your life out
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creator of nike, phil knight. now stay tuned for james corden and his guest, ellile kemper. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from somewhere, give it up
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