captioning sponsored by cbs >> wow. >> what you reading? >> stephen: the internet. >> oh, i read that, it's good. >> stephen: it says here that researchers at m.i.t. taught a computer to watch two people on tv and predict whether or not they're going to kiss. >> hey, we're on tv. is your computer watching us? >> stephen: i t but who i kiss is none of my computer's business. ( laughter ) oooh. give me a kiss. >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes samuel l. jackson. julie klausner. and a musical performance by

featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks so much! good to see you. thank you, chris. welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. thank you so much. i don't know what this is. i like it. please, please, come on. you're very generous. you're very generous. welcome to "the late show," everybody.

and it is hard to believe that there are only seven more months left in the obama presidency. you never know how much you're going to miss a guy until you see the options. and a lot of people are wondering what barack obama will do after he's president. there's a lot of speculation. today i read that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in silicon valley. obama's a perfect fit for silicon valley. he's a nerd who got way more powerful than anyone in high school ever imagined. so, evidently, obama is going to be going for the cash. you know what, good for him. but he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from "change" to "ka-ching!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) why not? now, compare obama's post-

paying construction job. i can't believe they're still making that man work. he's 91 years old! let him retire, poor people. sub-saharan africa, so selfish. of course-- listen, hey, that's not me. that's jimmy carter they're abusing. of course, with obama on the way out, by law, someone else has to move in to the white house. and, it could be president trump. ( audience booing ) makes me excited, too. trump is making a real effort to appear more presidential these days. yesterday, he went to a pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. and instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. ( laughter ) here's the plan. he's going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund. ( laughter )

or recycling fans. i'm not entirely sure. ( applause ) now, in the wake of britain's exit from the e.u.-- or the brexit-- trump outlined his plan for a trump exit, or trexit. >> number one, i am going to withdraw the united straights from the transpacific partnership. >> stephen: hold on, hold on ( laughter ) straights?" >> jon: yes, he did. >> stephen: well, you heard him, straight people. trump is now demanding a heterosexit. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? that's me. bye, bye! of course, the trump campaign has had money problems lately. he started june with an

so they have amped up their- did you really just go "aw!" the man says he has $10 million and you go "aaw." you are the nicest people who really should not be allowed to vote. okay, so the trump campaign in response to these low numbers have amped up their fundraising, but it looks like they may have gone overboard-- and overseas. because members of the british parliament have been getting repeated e-mails from trump asking for money. ooh... just five days too late. and the british mps are not happy to receive these e-mails. natalie mcgarry, a scottish member of parliament, wrote trump back, saying: ( prim accent ) "quite why you think it appropriate to write e-mails to u.k. parliamentarians with a begging bowl for your... repugnant campaign is completely beyond me."

then she whipped out her wand and cried, "expecto go-bite-me!" now, i can understand why they're complaining. because i've got one of trump's spam emails right here. "hello, sex friend, looking to make america country again great. purr with delight. make lady america go wow, wow, wow, big time! citizen enjoy loveliest president. please donate with pleasure. trump 2016. big huge." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) you know, if trump wants to hit the brits up for money, he should try the queen because, this is true, it turns out queen elizabeth could be getting a huge raise next year. and she needs it to keep up her expensive lifestyle. i mean, someone's got to pay for

oh, so delicious. so delicious. it's like a two-bite brownie but with meat. amazing. incredible. so well marbled. all right. apparently, the queen is expected to earn 45.6 million pounds next year. and if you ask me, she's earned every farthing. i mean, just look how hard she works. ? ? ? ? she works hard for the money so hard for it honey ? she works hard for the money she works hard for the money so hard for the money ? she works hard for the money so you better treat her right ? ? she works hard for the money so hard for it honey ? she works hard for the money

can you imagine how much they would have to pay her if she waved with both hands? now wave both hands, folks, and say hello to jon batiste and stay human. ( applause ) ? ? ? >> stephen: oh! ( cheers and applause ) oh! get it! get it! you're going to get it tonight! news. but i want to be up front and say this is a comedy show so it's fake bad news. because there is actual bad news out there in the world. and all of our thoughts and prayers and our good wishes go to the people who are suffering everywhere in the world at the hands of terrorism. this time, it's istanbul. and it is heartbreaking to see

and just an aside, i would like to say something to all the news organizations out there. is it really necessary to show us photographs or rolling video of a terrorist exploding? that really seems like advertising for someone's cause in a way that they may like. i don't think we need to see that. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, in the world of fake tragedy, evidently, the earth is running out of helium. it's a non-renewable gas used in rocket engines, semiconductors, and most importantly, in bachelorette party penis balloons. ( laughter ) i've been told. i wouldn't know.

only be inflated to half-mast. it's sad. fortunately, we may have a solution because a huge helium gas field has been found in tanzania. geologists were confident they had found a new helium reserve when they saw the spot marked "to a grad who's out of this world." joining me now to discuss this amazing discovery, we are joined live via satellite i believe by two scientists at the helium the two scientists are director of medical research at m.i.t. dr. gerald reinhardt. and distinguished chair of earth sciences at durham university, dr. rebecca tavage. thank you for joining me. doctors. >> thank you, stephen. ( high-pitched voice ) >> it's an honor to be here. >> stephen: tell me exactly what it is that the two of you over

>> well, in just one section of tanzania's east african rift valley, we've found 54 billion cubic feet of helium. >> to put that in perspective, that is a buttload of helium. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is very fascinating discovery. this is crucial because we were due to run out of helium in just 20 years, if i'm not mistaken. >> absolutely, stephen. ( laughter ) that is nothing to joke about. >> you see, helium is an integral component in the large hadron collider and m.r.i. machines, so this find will-- excuse me. i dropped something. ( hig pitched voice again )-- bring relief to millions of gravely ill patients who deserve to be treated with dignity. ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay, yes.

>> stephen: i understand. you don't want to fall over there. it looks like you're on some hills. you might tumble down the hills there. >> that's why we're taking this so seriously, stephen. the entire academic community is unified in saying "wheeeeee!" >> stephen: well, thank you so much for your time, both of you over there in tanzania. i know you're busy, distinguished scientists. >> it is our pleasure stephen! yay! bye! >> stephen: they're doing great work. we'll be right back with samuel l. jackson. hey, you're clarence! yes, sir. you know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. steve. yeah?

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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an international superstar who is now internationally super- starring in "the legend of tarzan." >> i feel foolish for asking, but you can really talk to the animals? >> you're an educated man, dr. williams. you tell me. >> hey, hey, pretty lady! >> that's a male. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome samuel l. jackson. ( band playing )

>> stephen: now, wait a second. wait a second-- nice to see you. thanks for being here. that's a nice jacket. i was wondering why you were coming out here with your jacket off. >> showing off, you know. >> stephen: how does one get a portrait of themselves inside their own suit? because i've just got more lining on the inside of mine. >> well, you know, the tailor said, "so what do you want in the lining?" i said, "me." and he's like, "i got that." and this is what happened. i thought he was going to do something really strange like put, "sam, sam, sam," on a piece of thing but he laid it out. >> stephen: that's all you. you could cut open sam jackson and count the rings.

>> stephen: i understand you just got a b.e.t. lifetime achievement award. >> yes, i did. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is-- congratulations. that's a-- i'm still waiting for mine. waiting for mine. >> it's kind of funny, you know, because it happens and you go, "so am i supposed to slow down and stop working now? i'm not sure." >> stephen: oh, please say no. >> actually, somebody told me it's like you have 165 and so i movies to get to 200. >> stephen: you are at 165? >> yes. >> stephen: wow. jesse williams also gave a speech at this thing. >> whoa! >> stephen: it was an amazing speech. i saw you standing and clapping. what did that speech mean to you? >> it was-- it was the most unadulterated assessment of what's going on in our world, and it was one of those things

i was around, i could hear stokey carmichael and rap brown. i heard people talk. and it was the first speech they heard in a very long time of that not a speech that said let's talk about this. but let's do something about this. it was a call to action. >> stephen: did it inspire you? >> it was awesome. >> stephen: you were very politically active when you were younger? >> a little bit. >> stephen: are you supporting anybody this time around? >> what do you mean? >> stephen: for president. last time you were here you were didn't think he would make it. you were heading for the hills. >> i'm there. that's what we've got, and that's what we've got to do. i'm there. please, don't think-- don't think the other thing can't happen because that's why the brexit is trying to get a recall right now. ( applause ) we're not going to get a do- over. we're not going to get a do- over. >> stephen: all right. so, 165.

>> stephen: of course. are you ever going to slow down? you do, like, four movies a year or something like that. >> four, five, yeah. >> stephen: how many days are you out on the road in the world? >> i'm not sure. a lot. i'm out more than i'm in at home. >> stephen: where have you been? where in the world is samuel l. jackson? >> i flew to l.a. friday, from sofia, bulgaria to start "tarzan" press. now i'm here. i'm going to start my vacation on friday, cut it short on the sixth, and go to amsterdam and finish shooting the movie. "the hit man's body guard" with ryan reynolds, and i can go back on vacation at the end of the month. >> stephen: you were just in vietnam for kong, right? >> "skull island." >> stephen: i understand this was the ride you got to work. >> that was the ride to work. these ladies, we had to go

caves, and they row you through the caves. some of them row you this way, and some of them lay back and row you this way. ( laughter ) but-- it's awesome! >> stephen: did that make you nervous at all that that was your ride to work through caves? >> they've been doing it for a while. they know the route. it's cool. it's kind of like going to work here in new york. there are people going the other way. there are people living in the jungle the other way and they're saying, "good morning, good morning." they're waving at each other. it's like a regular commute for nc >> stephen: now, you die a lot in movies. >> i have. >> stephen: you have died in quite a few movies. do you have a favorite way you've died in a movie? >> a lot of people like "deep blue sea." >> stephen: can i tell you, that is one of my favorite movie deaths of all time. as a matter of fact, we keep this clip on hand all the time. jimmy? >> we're not going to fight

and we're going to find a way to get out of here! first, we're going to seal off this. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's the greatest death of all time. greatest death of all time. >> it's perfect, too, because it's shark week, right? >> stephen: exactly. >> it's shark week. that's good. and that was the cue to everybody else in the movie, anybody can die. because we just killed the guy who made the most money. own stunts. >> i did that time, yeah. >> stephen: excellent work. >> one of the last stunts i ever did, though. i hate to deprive my stunt man of any activity that would allow him to shine. >> stephen: in "the legend of tarzan," obviously, tarzan is not a real guy, but you actually play a character that is based on a real person, i understand. >> george washington williams. >> stephen: who was this man? >> he was the first african american to go into the congo

those people and creating the first african holocaust that took place. he killed millions and millions of africans extracting rubber, diamonds, and ivory out of the country. >> stephen: so this guy went over there to expose-- he was an american? >> he was an american. and he falsified his credentials in a lot of different ways to get places. and he told those people in europe he was the envoy from the president of the united states. and there being no internet way they could check that. >> stephen: it's kind of like your character from "the hateful eight." >> and he worked himself into the congo so he could do that, and he wrote letters to various governments. because king leopold, even though he was extracting all those riches, he ran out of money building the railroad so he started borrowing money from various governments. so george washington williams was writing letters to various governments telling them what he was doing and to stop supporting him and, of course, the united states was one of the first

leopold and they had given him all this money and he was trying to stop them from doing it also. >> stephen: in that scene, are you actually in africa in those shots? >> we're in a beautiful, air conditioned bug-free jungle studio in london. >> stephen: that shot right there wasn't anywhere on the african belt? >> we didn't touch africa. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how much of your work these days is in a green room, like, looking at a broom with ping-pong balls glued to it? >> i would say, i don't know, eaov because that happens. but no more than-- a third. this movie just happened to be on the lot for some reason. they-- they felt like they could control the environment better. >> stephen: keep the gorillas inside. >> the guys in the green suits that looked like gorillas? yes. >> stephen: have you been to africa yourself? >> i have. >> stephen: safaris? >> i have spent a night at a game preserve. >> stephen: does that freak you

we didn't live on a cat reserve. see, that's where you don't want to be because then you have to walk around with guys with guns because cats are out at night hunting. they don't hunt during the day when it's hot. they wait until it's cool at night. >> stephen: i went a few years ago and my boys got out of the jeep at one point take and we were take a break and they were running around the jeep and i was running after them and our guide stopped us and said, "don't run. when you run, you are food." ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: so we got back in the jeep and we didn't get back out of that jeep again all day long. >> even then, when we were out, we saw a lot of things, but my daughter was like, "where are the elephants? i want to see an elephant." we were coming back at night and she rolled the window down and starting going... and out of nowhere, this huge elephant just comes right in the middle of the road. and we were all like oh, no, no,

>> stephen: he thinks you stole his baby! >> yeah. and the guy's like, "that was very good. you got the elephant to come. but stay in the truck." >> stephen: "don't do that again." >> don't get out of the truck. >> stephen: we have to take a little break. we'll be back with more samuel l. jackson, everybody. ? ? ?

it looks good, babe, it looks good. ohhhhhweee! woah! [mom] he's beautiful. [son] mom. dad. nurse. bees are born fully grown. put some flavor in your break. make time for snapple. i had that dream again -- that i was on the icelandic game show. me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600, but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ]

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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with the great samuel l. jackson. you know, i'm a big fan, as i think everybody here is, of samuel l. jackson. one of the things that makes you such an engaging actor is not only that you can do action and do comedy, but that you're clearly a deeply intelligent person. do you think of yourself as a

>> yeah-- i dabble in deepness. >> stephen: i consider myself a deep person, and i like to take the opportunity to explore some of the mysteries of human existence in a segment i call "big questions with even bigger stars!" ( applause ) >> stephen: man, what a beautiful night. >> it's awesome. >> stephen: hey, samuel l. jackson? >> yes, stephen? >> stephen: do you have a nickname? >> yes, my friends call me "action jackson," but you can call me, samuel l. jackson.

>> stephen: samuel l. jackson, do you think god could make a rock so big even he couldn't lift it? >> of course. that's where australia came from. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i heard that, yeah. >> stephen? if you were stranded on a desert island, what famous person would you want to have with you? >> stephen: i guess whichever celebrity is most shaped like a boat. hey, samuel l. jackson, i've always wanted to ask you this, what's in your wallet? ( cheers and applause ) >> a whole lot of money. ( laughter ) ( applause )

>> do you think there's a difference between living and just being alive? >> stephen: of course. who would buy a magazine called "martha stewart just being alive?" hey, samuel l. jackson, if a motorcycle's cooler than a tricycle, doesn't that mean a unicycle is cooler than a motorcycle? >> i told you, stephen, i'm not buying your ( bleep ) unicycle. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, sam, do you believe man is burdened with original sin because adam and eve gave in to satan's temptation in the garden of eden? >> yes, i do. and i have had it with that ( bleep ) snake in that ( bleep ) garden!

stephen? >> stephen: yes, sam? >> do you have any regrets? >> stephen: oh, absolutely. wait, i wished i'd said "no." ( laughter ) hey, samuel l. jackson, do you think it's okay to tell a harmless lie to spare someone's feelings? >> that is a really, really smart question, stephen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thanks. ( applause ) hey, sam l. jack? you have been in 165 movies. what part would you like to be remembered for? >> my ( bleep ). but i'd settle for ""mace

>> stephen: i've never seen ( bleep ) but i've read some great reviews. ( applause ) sam, sam, what do you think people will say at your funeral? >> oh, i assume they'll all be saying "wow, i've never seen yankee stadium so packed." ( laughter ) stephen? why are we here? what ipu >> stephen: well, i guess it's hard to say. but i'd like to believe that we're here to love one another and, above all, to promote "the legend of tarzan" opening this friday. samuel l. jackson, everybody! we'll be right back with julie klausner!

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( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight is a comedian, author, and podcast host. her new show is called "difficult people." >> so what do i say? >> "i'm nathan lane." >> yeah, i got that part. >> and this is for the toilet hand challenge. >> and then you stick your right hand in the toilet. >> because it's the right thing to do. >> and after that you challenge five of your most famous friends to do the same thing. no paul reiser, or jesse tyler ferguson ( bleep ). >> you were a lot nicer in the park. explain to me again. how does this make money? >> we told you! it's for food! >> stephen: please welcome julie klausner! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )

wow. ? ? ? nice to have you. those are some nice shoes you've got there. >> thank you very much. i'm relieved the band got the note i was jewish. >> stephen: a little klezmer feel to it. we have not seen each other in many, many years. but the thing that i was just reminded of before you came out here is that you were an intern on a show i used to do called "strangeh the last century. >> it was a long time ago. it was in the 20th century. i was an intern. i was such a fan of the show. >> stephen: did you learn anything? internships are supposed to be about learning? >> i learned so much. first that i can not sue you or comedy central for the wages backearned. i loved it. it was the best. i got to watch you and amy and paul. you guys were writing.

you were joking around. the three of you would do jerry blank. it was this constant harmonious symphony of the three of you doing jerry blanks impressions. >> stephen: i don't remember any of it. i was so tired. the important thing is we were nice to you? >> so nice. >> stephen: oh, really. >> so nice. what i remember most about you-- first of all, whenever you came in, you just brought a ray of sunshine into the room. >> stephen: oh! my mom paid you to say that, didn't she? >> no, she won't answer any of my calls, oddly enough. and the other thing i remember is you had a pager-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: because i was dealing coke at the time. >> oh, you were dealing coke? i'm sorry, was that not clear in the story. >> stephen: you skipped that part. >> you were a correspondent on "the daily show." and you would say, "'the daily show' is calling." >> stephen: i would get a page, "go make fun of someone on

say, "let's finish this episode!" >> stephen: congratulations on "difficult people"." >> thank you. >> stephen: it's really funny and wrong at the same time. >> it's a little mean. >> stephen: is any of your real life in "difficult people?" >> yes, it's inspired by real- life events. there is one episode in the current season where i dramatize-- what happened was, i was scammed for fake "hamilton" tickets on craigslist. thank you for your sympathy. thank you. >> stephen: i don't know because doesn't that mean you were trying to go around the normal processes of getting a ticket? >> i tried and i tried. and what was a girl to do? it was also the early days-- oh, what's this "hamilton" show? perhaps i can go on stubhub. and at the time i just thought i haven't used craigslist forever. i get my anonymous sex elsewhere. ( laughter ) we had this guy meet up with us,

they looked legitimate. and i showed up at the theater and the usher scanned them and said, "these tickets are fraudulent." and then after that, so we made that a story. but the story really became is just that i took up as a hobby sending abusive texts to the guy who sold me the fake tickets. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you still have contact with the man? >> well, he doesn't write back, but it's nice to have, like-- it's a cathartic little journal. it's like a monoloof mean, it's just-- frankly, it's nice to check in with someone sometimes and just be like, "hey ( bleep ). my lunch was pretty good." >> stephen: that's nice. >> "and i hope you die in a really unfortunate way." ( laughter ) and "and i'll probably text you in an hour or so. anyway, you're a piece of ( bleep ). and i'm never going to forget you." >> stephen: you also have a podcast about pop culture. and you might be a person to

this is an important one now. is there a pop culture anymore, like, a thing that everyone agrees is the pop culture right now, or are we all just too balkanized to recognize a single pop cultural moment? >> i think it's very segmented. i never felt a bigger divide from people like five years younger than i am. it does seem like the kids today have their own celebrities because of instagram or snapchat, which i tried for an hour to figure out on sunday and i ende t a fish tank, and i don't even keep fish. so i think there's definitely more, and there are people that sort of find each other and the weird stuff can thrive a little more easily. is there a pop culture? i certainly hope for-- i certainly hope so for future generations of kids like me that grew up watching more film and tv than they did socializing with their peers in a healthy way. >> stephen: oh, so in other

beings is what leads you now to be a creative artist, because you have no life with humans? ( laughter ) >> well, it's a life. i mean, it's a small life but-- no, no, exactly. that's exactly what it is. that's exactly what it is. instead of learning to connect with-- i don't remember when i had my first kiss, but i remember the day the cable was installed! >> stephen: yeah, me, too, me, too. >> that was a huge day. guy. julie, thank you so much for being here. congratulations on "difficult people." "difficult people" season two, premieres july 12 on hulu. julie klausner, everybody! we'll be back with a performance by schoolboy q.

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( band playing )

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cable can't offer internet speeds this fast at a price this good. only fios can. >> stephen: here performing "that part," from his album "blank face lp," ladies and gentlemen, schoolboy q!

? me no conversate with the fake, that part ? bang this ( bleep ) in the hood one time ? ? ? me no conversate with the fake, that part ? all my ( bleep ) independent ( bleep ), that part ? i just want the paper, that part ? all my ( bleep ) flavored that part, that part, ? that part, that part ayy! ? me no conversate with the fake, that part ? all my ( bleep ) independent ( bleep ), that part ? i just want the paper, that

part, that part, ? that part, that part ayy! ? that part ? bang this ( bleep ) in the hood one time ? lil ( bleep ) i'm back and poppin' tell that ugly ( bleep ) to move ? away, i need more options ? broke then fix your pockets, all i do is profit ? quarter million, switchin' lanes, ? that part bet my ( bleep ) ? move the same old thing, that part that part ? ayy i'm still tryna make that plate ? rich or poor ( bleep ), choose your fate ? style on top of style, ( bleep ) five years i've been rich, ( bleep ) ? drove bimmers down fig, pushed porsches down broadway ? i've been divin' in different ( bleep ) ? got a chain that's worth the rolls, ( bleep ) ? got an engine back with the top in it ? ( bleep ) drivin' it like it's a bomb in it ? me no conversate with the

? all my ( bleep ) independent ( bleep ), that part ? i just want the paper, that part ? all my ( bleep ) flavored that part, that part, ? that part, that part okay, okay, okay ? ? ? beggars can't be choosers, ( bleep ) this ain't chipotle ? ?

? ? ? ? ? me no conversate with the fake, that part ? all my ( bleep ) independent ( bleep ), that part ? i just want ter part ? all my ( bleep ) flavored that part, that part, ? that part, that part okay, okay, okay ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: schoolboy q's sophomore album, "blank face. lp," is out july 8th!

>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh

( cheers and applause ) ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight get your eggos and your waffles cooked ? you're about to take a ride ? on the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from east germany, give it up for your host, the