mmm... pillsbury crescent wrapped brie just unroll, wrap the brie and bake. it's so easy. now this might even impress aunt martha. pillsbury crescent wrapped brie. holiday ideas made easy.

in 15 minutes, [ female announcer ] you call that bread? you can serve some warmth with your bread. and some flavor with your bread. and some layers with your bread. if you're serving bread honey, then serve it. grands! dinner ideas made easy. >> here it is. i want to run through this just quickly. you have the downhill, as lindsey mentioned and your super-g. then you have your slalom, then you have your giant slalom. then you have your supercombined. then you have your original recipe. >> yup. >> then you have your extra crispy. >> i know you do. >> our next guest is a talented acter and comedy writer. he's also an accomplished rapper. his debut album i think i probably have a copy of it right here. which way -- >> i have no idea.

>> that's a good one. this would be hebrew. well, i just buy the damn thing, figure it out for yourselves, please welcome childish gambino. ♪ ♪ ♪ i wanted you to know that i am ready to go ♪ heartbeat my heartbeat ♪ i wanted you to know whenever you are around ♪ i can't speak i can't speak ♪ i wanted you to know ♪ i know what your boy like skinny tie and cuff type ♪ he go and make breakfast you walk around naked ♪ i might just text you

turn your phone over ♪ when it's all over no settling down ♪ my text go to your screen you know better than that ♪ i come around when you least expect me ♪ i'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty ♪ you thinking that this song's coming on to tempt me ♪ i need to be alone like the way you left me ♪ you start calling you start crying ♪ i come over i'm inside you ♪ i can't find you the girl that i once had ♪ but the sex that we have isn't half bad ♪ text say that is not fair that's cold boy he's not here ♪ and i'm-a flirt with this new girl ♪ and i'm-a call if it don't work ♪ so we ... 'til it comes to conclusions ♪ all the things that we thought we were losing ♪ i'm a ghost and you know this ♪ that's why we broke up in the first place ♪ 'cause i wanted you to know ♪ that i am ready to go heartbeat ♪ my heartbeat i wanted you to know ♪ whenever you are around i can't speak ♪ i can't speak i wanted you to know ♪ that i am ready to go heartbeat

♪ my heartbeat i wanted you to know ♪ whenever you are around i can't speak ♪ i can't speak it's late night thursday ♪ i know that you heard me but you don't ♪ want the same thing well, two can play that game ♪ so i'm chilling with my girlfriend ♪ but she not my real girlfriend she got a key to my place but ♪ she not my real girlfriend stupid ♪ so dumb he say the wrong thing and wrong girls come running ♪ i'm paranoid that these girls want something from me ♪ and it's hard to make a dime go 100 ♪ she on time but she late for they first date ♪ 'cuz he went and tried out a new condom ♪ flipped off in a threesome good problems ♪ right wrong ask her and she wanna play games ♪ with the "super smash brothers," but none of 'em you ♪ i miss the sex when you kiss whenever you through ♪ 69 is the only dinner for two i was wrong ♪ but would you have listened to you ♪ you were crazy i got a heart but the artichoke ♪ is the only thing girls want when you in that smoke ♪ like i wanted you to know

♪ that i am ready to go heartbeat ♪ my heartbeat i wanted you to know ♪ whenever you are around i can't speak ♪ i can't speak so we're done ♪ this the real we used to hold hands ♪ like field trips i'm a jerk but your dude is a i read his posts on your wall ♪ and i feel sick he ain't cool he ball ♪ and all that but he just a fake ♪ who blog in all caps you couldn't wait to date ♪ i'm going straight for your thighs ♪ like the cake you ate i give a ... about the ... ♪ that you say you hate you know that i'm the best ♪ when i'm affectionate i'm the best that you ♪ had face it jay and keisha are related ♪ racist i give you money than you bernie ♪ then you madoff she ain't a killer ♪ but she blow your head off i know he wondering ♪ what you hiding that we dated like rats ♪ about bin laden yo ... this ♪ are we dating are we ♪ are we best friends are we something ♪ in between that ♪ i wish we never ... and i mean that ♪ but not really ♪ ♪

>> dave: yeah, okay, how about this lady its and gentlemen, how you doing, nice job, good to see you. how are you. very nice. good job. leer it, camp, the little too technical for me. you can't even do it for god's sakes. child-- childish gambino t was wonderful having them here. and the album is camp. thank you for watching. good night, everybody. >> now stay tuned for craig ferguson. this is allen kalter speaking. good night, everybody. [laughter] craig: so here's the thing. do't look now, right? geoff, don't look now. i said don't look!

there is a lady? the front row who is really angry at me. she is here with her husband. i think it is her husband. it may just be a guy she has hired. [laughter] anyway, i said hey, is she angry or is she always like that? no, no, she is angry. [laughter] what did i ever do? and then i looked at her and she went -- [laughter] i don't think i have met this woman before. i don't remember. maybe that's it. she is angry because i don't remember we have met before. no, i'm pretty sure we haven't. geoff, do you recognize that broad? geoff: um -- maybe. craig: so she is not angry at me. she is angry at you? geoff: just keep it quiet, will you? craig: what the hell, man? what happened? >> we're going to get through the show together, man.

just don't make her upset. craig: what the hell, man? what happened? geoff: i was in rio about 10 years ago. craig: rio? geoff: and i thought it was a dude. no -- now wait. craig: doesn't look anything like a dude. how drunk were you? >> the lights were out. i was drunk and i did things. [laughter] craig: look. i'm sorry to bring up a technical point, but don't the things that you like to do require a piece of equipment this person doesn't possess? geoff: like said, i was really drunk, man. craig: well, there you go. well, it is christmas. i'm sure she will forgive us for anything. doesn't look like it, though. well, we'll get through it together, geoff. let's always remember one thing. geoff: what's that? craig: you pick. i don't care.

geoff: always floss. craig: always floss, everybody. >>♪ it's hard to stay up it's been a long, long day and you've got the sandman at the door but hang on leave the tv on and let's do it anyway it's ok you can always sleep through work tomorrow ok hey, hey tomorrow's just your future yesterday ♪ [captioning made possible by worldwide pants, inc., and the cbs television network] with the capital one venture card we get double miles on every purchase. so we earned a holiday trip to the big apple twice as fast! dinner! [ garth ] we get double miles every time we use our card.

and since double miles add up fast, we can bring the whole gang! it's hard to beat double miles! i want a mace, a sword, a... oww! [ male announcer ] get the venture card from capital one and earn double miles on every purchase, every day. go to capitalone.com. i wonder what it could be?! what's in your wallet? i wonder what it could be?! ornyou're a miracle workerful sabrina soto.. [sfx: doorbell rings] and you can mix your seasonal pieces with your everyday china. [sfx: knocking on door] and now you need to hide. oh, i love the mercury glass pieces on the mantel, we could put some evergreen pieces... you know a simple touch like adding. oh, i think we should quickly decorate the hallway, wouldn't that be fun? maybe just put some...oh thank you so much, i'm going to bring you a snack later. wait, i still need to talk to you about led candles. happy holiday's. hey! hi! please come in. you know ornaments, they make a great centerpiece. by the hand-selected wood trim... the 38 1/2 inches of legroom... and the reclinable, heated napa leather seats

inside the jeep grand cherokee, just wait until we tell you about the heated and ventilated front seats. ♪ ♪

pillsbury holiday star cookies start with pillsbury cookie dough easy. then add my own favorite frosting and sprinkles. just three ingredients to sweet memories. holiday ideas made easy. mmm... pillsbury crescent wrapped brie just unroll, wrap the brie and bake. it's so easy. now this might even impress aunt martha. pillsbury crescent wrapped brie. holiday ideas made easy.

>> ladies and gentlemen, craig ferguson! [applause] craig: candy! ladies! look at you! come on in! [applause] hi, everybody. welcome. welcome to los angeles, california. welcome to "the late, late show." i'm your host, tv's craig ferguson. thanks, everybody. [applause] thank you. enough. no, no, shh. quietly. no, shh. now i appreciate -- i appreciate your efforts. i do, but i'm afraid you can't cheer me up. sit down. i'm very, very upset. while i was standing there backstage a minute ago and i heard the warm-up comedian say i

was just in craig's dressing room and i stole his dressing gown. i'm like what the hell are you talking about? and then -- what the hell is that? that's it? [laughter] i don't wear that. i wear something lacy. but what i hate is the idea that these people think i have a dressing room! i don't have a dressing room. i come into the corridor and change into the old bob barker suits. [laughter] 2895. it's a great day for america, everybody. [applause] yeah, it is. geoff. only two more shopping days 'til christmas. so if you haven't crossed off everyone on your list and finished wrapping every last present, it's officially time to panic. [laughter]

with only 48 hours left, there is just one way to get everything done. crystal methamphetamine. [laughter] there's your white christmas. cbs cares. [laughter] it is christmasy all over the place. christmas movies are everywhere on tv. clarence, don't you know me? my jimmy stewart impression is not great. it sounds like a parrot having a stroke. "squawk, i taste pennies." [laughter] that's right, lesbians. laugh at the i electricity fromed. everyone thinks of jimmy stewart as the "all-american man." but in the beginning of his career, hollywood movie moguls the big wigs, forced jimmy stewart to go to brothels to prove he wasn't gay. what are you applauding that for? there is a gap!

that's true! they forced him to go to brothels to prove he wasn't gay. i'm thinking what? studio bosses paying for your hookers? don't you want to prove i'm not gay? or i am? whatever you want. that truly is a wonderful life. [jimmy stewart] "time to let jimmy see your rear window." [laughter] do we have the original poster from "it's a wonderful life?" that's how couples greeted each other back in the 1940's. look at that. look. the man would lift the woman up so she could kick him square in the nuts. it is all about manners back then. "it's a wonderful life" is about a guy named george bailey. he's thinking about suicide. he gets a rare opportunity to see what life would be like if he was never born. it's interesting to think about. sometimes i wonder what things

would be like if i was never born. do we have a clip of what life would be like if i had never been born? [applause] yeah. it doesn't look that bad, actually, did it? for decades people have loved "it's a wonderful life." it's a great movie, but it seems out of date. a mean old banker using unscrupulous methods to foreclose on working people's homes so he can line his their -- pockets with their cash. thankfully, we've come a long way since then. that could never happen today. craig, you're saying the opposite of what's true. that's right, sherlock. it's a [beep] joke! george bailey is depressed because he wanted to travel the world but never got to. he had to stay at home in a

great noun a beautiful manks where he lives with the beautiful donna reed, has the wooden thing on the staircase that's always loose. it drives him crazy. he is always depressed about it. all he needs to do is fix the banister. go to home depot. and get the stuff to fix it, you lazy bah bastard! but no, it's easier to commit suicide, isn't it george? take that, american movie! george is eventually saved by an angel who wants to "earn his wings." because an angel without wings is unnatural. it's like having a kardashian without back hair. [applause] i even got the stoic lady with that there. she went like that the whole time and i throw in an anti-kardashian joke and she went like this. [laughter] a recent poll named "it's a wonderful life" as the most inspirational christmas film of all time.

the people who took that poll have clearly never seen "human centipede." [laughter] what? it's heartwarming and hilarious. it's not. that's a joke. don't rent it and then go aaahhh! anyway, "it's a wonderful life" was originally filmed in black and white. a few years ago, they colorized it. but they didn't get the skin tones right. everyone looked like they had a spray tan. it looked like "it's a wonderful jersey shore." [laughter] you like that one, did you? geoff: snooki. snooki. craig: snooki. don't you know me? geoff: polly want a cracker? it was a call back. i'm going a brothel. i saw snooki. craig: go to a brothel. geoff: she is not just hairy on

her back. [laughter] craig: it just reached the crew backstage there. did you hear that? they like back hair jokes. geoff: who doesn't like a good back hair joke? craig: i like a back share joke. combined with a kardashian, you got a great joke. you dothe same as i do when you do jimmy stewart. you do a little bit clinton. aaaaahhhh -- you like that, don't you? geoff: aaaaahhhh. you got any good cigars? craig: aaaahhhh monica proved i'm not gay. [laughter] geoff: aaaahhhh.

hillary's got back hair. craig: never make hillary jokes in front of lesbian row. geoff: aaahhh. lesbians. oh, man. craig: lesbians love pantsuits, geoff. geoff: what the hell? craig: no, they do. lesbians do love pantsuits. craig: that's true. craig: they are practical. you can get around doing it. get up to your lesbian business with comfort and ease. geoff: standard attire for lesbians. craig: what you're saying, craig, don't be so ridiculous. there is no such thing as standard attire for a sexual group. is that what you're saying? what are you doing? clinton or jimmy stewart? geoff: you can't tell, can you? craig: no, no, i can tell. i can tell. we can tell because the thumb, the little penis thumb comes up.

right there, it is like mm-hmm. see that? that is like a small penis, but i've got a big penis. and i can do this with it too. and that. [laughter] what? it is christmas. i get to do this, don't i? the unhappy lady in the front row doesn't like to penis jokes. she is going like this. geoff: surly lady doesn't like to penis joke. there she is. craig: i don't know why, but that kind of disapproval turns me on, geoff. geoff: yeah, i've got something in my pants now. craig: i don't know what it is but when i see someone angry like that, i am like you like that, don't you? geoff: you want us to work a little extra hard with our

comedy, don't you? craig: you want to see me sweat, don't you? geoff: we'll be right back with the comedy stylings of mr. craig ferguson and mr. geoffrey peterson right after this. n ome. but to be honest, i find the omega choices overwhelming. which one is right for me? then i found new pronutrients omega-3. it's from centrum, a name i trust. it goes beyond my heart to support my brain and eyes too. and these ultra-concentrated minigels are much smaller than many others. it's part of a whole new line of supplements. there's probiotic and fruit & veggie too. new pronutrients from centrum helps make nutrition possible.

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[applause]

craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. two days until christmas. the christmas tree is getting fat. all the people rarned wearing a hat. are you excited about christmas? geoff: uh-oh, no. craig: what do you mean? geoff: i'm just being secretive. of course i got you something. craig: i think you're going to like what i got you this year. geoff: yeah. craig: do you want a hint? geoff: yeah. craig: it is a fireman calendar. [laughter] that's a pretty good hint. [laughter] geoff: i think i just exploded. [laughter] craig: kind of wish i hadn't told you. what time is it, geoffrey peterson? geoff: ♪ it's beginning to look a lot like tweetmail ♪

>> ♪ twitter me this tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet twitter me that tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet twitter me all the way from my head to my toes tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet and if you don't know how to tweet there's e-mail ass mode ♪ craig: ♪ ass mode i got blisters on me fingers ♪ ♪ all right. let's see. this is from jesse in manhattan, kansas. i don't know if you can tell, jess gee a swan. dear craig and geoff. i'm looking for a fun holiday