excuse me. could you help me [ mifor just a moment?s ] i'm thinking of getting a breast lift, and i want to get implants. and i'm trying to get an opinion about whether i should go one size up or two sizes up. now, i need a man's opinion. what do you think? i think one size would be just fine. are you a boob man? i'm more of an ass guy. oh, are ya? well, good. yeah. yeah, so, you think just one size up would work? 'cause i'm a "d." it would be too much, wouldn't it? right. i think one -- one would be efficient. one would be eff-- good. wonderful. 'cause i have a date with a hot priest. you know what i mean? he's kind of young. i'm so excited. oh, okay. thanks so much for your help! of course. bless you, hon!

[ twisted sister's "we're not gonna take it" plays ] ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ nailed it. ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ anymore ah-choo! [ laughs ] ♪ we're not gonna take it no! ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪e're not gonna take it anymore ♪ ooh! [ cheers and applause ] oh, hi, there, and welcome to the show. you probably already know this,

but my friend nick cannon is not just the host of "america's got talent," an actor, rapper, manager, and producer, but now he's also a father of twins. oh, yeah. let me tell you, miss betty, those twins are double the trouble, but they're also double the fun. [ laughs ] i always wished i had a twin. y-you know what? so did i. you know, i always wanted someone to switch places with me when i had to take a test at school that i didn't want to take. [ chuckles ] i always wanted somebody to frame... in case they ever find the body. [ chuckles nervously ] [ rock music plays ] well, hello, there. hi. how are you? fine. would you like to sit down? oh, yeah. isn't it a lovely day out here today? yeah.

yeah. you know, it's...even lovelier since i ran into you. oh, my goodness. [ laughs ] you're one of those male escorts, aren't you? i got about $43 with me. what'll that get me? you're kidding. no. [ both laugh ] i know you probably can't make deals out here in the open like this. so, uh... right. right. just give me a wink -- just one wink for yes. [ laughs ] oh, there you go. i saw it. okay, thank you. okay, i'll tell you what. i'm gonna go get an energy drink. okay. 'cause i think i'm gonna need one. all right. i might not be here. i'll see if there's an atm inside. honey, i'm going to rock your world. all right. [ chuckles ] [ mid-tempo music plays ]

you want me to take a picture of y'all? sure. what do i do? you just, uh... and then press this button. oh. okay? oh, okay. [ sighs ] you have to say "cheese." camera shutter clicks ] now you have a beautiful picture of me! [ laughter ] ♪ oh, look at me ♪ i'm win, i'm winning ♪ i can't believe [ camera shutter clicking ] i think they're gonna be wonderful pictures. okay, you got to say "cheese." cheese. [ camera shutter clicks ] [ laughs ] no, wait. i want to take one with you. wait. wait. wait. i want to take one with you guys. no. no. right there. now. [ camera shutter clicks ] [ laughs ] yes! thank you!

thank you! i've learned a lot about being with men in my 90 years. and if there are three tips i could pass down to the younger generations, it would be, one -- always hold on to your man with both hands, but loosen the grip a little so he can breathe. two -- if you reach a curve in the road, just lean into it, and you'll both be better off. and three -- always, always, always use protection. [ surf music plays ] i'm gonna go down to that bar on the corner. you just keep riding that bronco, okay? hey, do me a favor. keep putting quarters in the machine. [ laughs ]

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fear itself. ♪ ♪ we can help people get term. life insurance for as low as $16 a month. wha... what were you guys thinking? lucy: i think it should be five cents. charlie: yeah, it should be five cents. employee: we can't do five cents. lucy: it should be five cents. employee: everything can't be five cents. anncr: get term life insurance starting at $16 a month. call 1-888-metlife to apply and buy today. [ girl ] by the way, this is not what back to school looks like. the only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. everyone will be stylin' their faves. love that! but i'll be bringing it every day, 'cause i went to jcpenney. i know, right?

that's what i'm talking about. they have so much great stuff. oh, sweet! anyway, what's your first day strategy? [ female announcer ] doorbusters saturday 9:00 to 1:00. come find your first day look at jcpenney. ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ saturday 9:00 to 1:00. [ spanish-style music plays ] beatty jr.: she was the first person to scale mount everest without oxygen and then snowboard down the other side. she is the only person to ever pitch a no-hitter

and bowl a perfect 300 at the same time. she works part time at nasa as their on-site mars rover repair specialist. she is the most interesting betty in the world. [ chuckles ] i don't like to brag. so it's a good thing lou will do it for me. [ surf music plays ] this sucks. why don't you do some tricks? ride backwards. yeah, there you go. there you go. yeah! that's right. i just noticed he was riding sideways, backwards? yeah. he's changing it up for me. oh, that's dangerous. dangerous? what kind of influence are you on this young man here?

[ laughs ] this is my grandchild. grandchild? well, i wouldn't let him fall. i'd catch him. let's all go get a beer. come on. where are we gonna go get a beer at? right down there. there's a nice place. right down here? all right. what kind of beer is it? it's a topless place. no. no. just keep riding! [ laughs ] [ rock music plays ] ooh. hi. hi. do you think it's gonna rain today? i'm kind of worried. well, i heard that it's going to. oh, lord. i know. want a doughnut? oh, sure. oh, great. wonderful. thanks. oh, my gosh. you know, i have a little confession to make. mm-hmm. every day, i tell my husband i'm going to the gym. yeah? but i don't go to the gym. mm-hmm. you know, i come down here. really? yeah. [ laughs ] and i buy a bag of doughnuts. and i eat 'em. yeah. [ laughs ] you know, that felt so good just saying that, you know? yeah. you got to do what you got to do. i know. confession's good for the soul, right? yeah.

listen, i've got one other. i've been embezzling money from my company. oh, no. yeah, for 25 years, i know. and every day, now, i say i'm gonna pay it back. yeah. but you know what? male escorts aren't cheap. you know what i mean? have a good day. [ laughs ] woman: hi. what would you like today? how about popcorn? medium? okay. there you go. what else? sure. coming up. i'm sorry? your teeth. oh, my god! that's my other set of teeth. [ laughs ] i've been looking everywhere for them. oh, my god. oh, my god. i'm so sorry. i'll get you a coupon for a drink next time.

i'll be right back. that's awful. [ gasps ] ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba heavy stuff! heavy stuff! oh! get out of my way! [ grunting ] ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪ ♪ ba ba-ba ba ba ♪ ba ba ba ♪ ba can you just do me a favor? see, you press this for it to start, and then press it for it to start. we're just gonna go around. and will you just time us? we're trying to break the record. yeah. we had a record. we're trying to break the record. okay. you ready? tell us when to go. all right? marks, get set, go. oh! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[ mid-tempo music plays ] [ whistling ] wait. wait. one more lap! one more lap! [ laughs ] it's two times! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! whoa! ah. ah. oh. what did we do? what did we do? it stopped at 40:45. oh. we've done it before. i got to find somebody else. now we got to get someone else. come on. come on, please. woman: excuse me, hon? could you help me for just a second? i'm trying to find something in my bag, and i can't. sure. yeah. here. could you just hold that for me? i'm trying to dig through for a receipt. have you been here?

where you going? yeah. i'm trying to find a store. oh. there you are! for heaven's sakes. and you've got another boyfriend?! what is going on here? oh, no. another boyfriend! i can't leave you alone for a minute. dottie, don't do this. you're just jealous because i attract younger men. [ laughs ] i don't know why you start like this. i can't help it. i can't help it. so, what are your intentions? well, i -- nothing. nothing but the best intentions. no, dottie, please. you know, you are a sweetheart. we so appreciate you. i try to be. thank you. now come along. best of luck, ladies. bye, hon. i'll call you. bye-bye, sweet cheeks. well, he was nice. but, i mean, come on. with master griller and sity pro-tailgater, matt connor who's secretly serving steaks from walmart. it's a steak over! dude, it's so good. it's juicy. it's nice and tender. only one in five steaks is good enough to be called walmart choice premium steak. all these steaks are from walmart. oh my gosh! top ten most tender steaks i've had.

i'm going to start buying meat at walmart. walmart's prices are so low you could have steak at every game. it's 100% satisfaction guaranteed. try it. freshly prepared by real cooks. 5...4...3... taste why fresh is better. 2...1... try an 8-piece meal of our freshly prepared chicken. now with 10 of our new hot shot bites. all for just $19.99. [ man ] mission accomplished. i just served my mother-in-law your chicken noodle soup but she loved it so much... i told her it was homemade. everyone tells a little white lie now and then. but now she wants my recipe [ clears his throat ] [ softly ] she's right behind me isn't she? [ male announcer ] progresso. you gotta taste this soup.

test test test test test test test test test test test test te .

♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ hi, there. nick and i were just in the middle of a very important argument. you're wrong, nick. no, i am not. jay-z put on frank ocean. that whole "no church in the wild" track, that was jay! i'm telling you, it was kanye! b.w., where are you getting your information, tiger beat? look, h.o.v.a. is the one who made rihanna a star, and he's in the know of all the up-and-comers. oh, really? yeah. uh, jay? it's betty. [ chuckles ] was it you or yeezy who recruited frank for the "no church in the wild" track? uh, kanye, right? that's what i thought. [ chuckles ] oh. oh, just hanging out with a misinformed homey.

[ chuckles ] all right. holla! mnh. told ya. [ up-tempo music plays ] excuse me. there's no restroom around here. would you be my lookout for just a minute while i go -- oh, use the bathroom? yes. sure. thank you. hold that. thank you. oh. thank you. thank you. i'll be right back. ooh! ooh! [ sighs ] [ laughs ] [ laughs ] oh, keep it. it's a present. oh, thank you. ooh! no! you were so kind. [ laughs ]

ooh! [ sighs ] excuse me. just -- just a little help. you're familiar with this internet dating? kind of, yeah. all that, you know? do you have a screen name? yeah, i've done online dating before. so, i'm thinking if i got a name like "size matters"... what do you think? that can be a little scary. a little scary, huh? yeah. "black mamba of love." uh, i think that funny will get you further than sexy, probably. funny will get you further than sexy? okay, if you want funny, how about "third leg"? that's pretty good. have a great day. [ rock music plays ]

come on, junior. you all right back there, baby? let's go faster. faster for you. [ chuckles ] come on, junior. let's go. yahoo! baby jean really loves the wind. woman: you know, sweetheart, i have to go. i have got to -- oh, i'm sorry. do you want to sit down? no, no. you mustn't move. he doesn't walk or talk, so he won't bother you, i promise you. okay. and i'll be back in just a minute, okay? okay. thank you so much. is she gone? yes. there's nothing wrong with me. i've been faking this for three weeks. it's the greatest thing. don't give it away when she comes back, you know? just play this out as much as i can. oh, gee. there you are, sweetheart. i told you i'd bring you a surprise. now, i can help you drink it. okay, darling?

you are so darling, sweetheart. remember there was a band down there. thank you! welcome. aaah! aiiieeeyah! i know i don't have to sneak out anymore, but this way is more fun. man: [ muffled ] come on, betty! we got a seat for you right here! let's go! let's have a good time! it's time to go! we're waiting! shh, shh, shh! i'll be right down. [ horn honks ] [ all gasp ] i'm fine. [ laughter ]

you need a cart, sir? need a cart? there we go. how about a mint? would you like a mint? oh, no thanks. okay. thank you. a little something for the effort? a little gratuity, perhaps. a little... something extra? i don't have -- not much. a dollar, huh? yeah. it's tough being a valet, i'll tell you. there we go. okay. how about a little gratuity? no? i'll be here. ♪ come on, let's go crazy, baby ♪ oh, let me -- let me help you with that, sir. how about -- how about a little -- a little tip, a little something. ohh. [ blows nose ] can i assist you with a cart? just a dollar? [ laughs ] no.

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. . . ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ no way! ohh. ah. excuse me. is this the main lobby of the train station? yes, it is. oh. i haven't been here in years. it's just so extraordinary. isn't it? i mean, just the history. the history, i mean, i just love sitting here and looking at the ceiling.

oh. great. [ cellphone rings ] oh. excuse me. hey. oh, sorry it took me so long. i was just chatting with this guy. he's hitting on me -- hard. i don't know. he keeps undressing me with his eyes. [ scoffs ] i know, i know. i don't know what he's thinking. he's so not my standard, you know? oh, yeah. yeah, i like them big and beefy. well. well, i've bagged better tush than this. [ chuckles ] out front? yeah. okay. [ sighs ] well, you gave it your best shot. ♪ yeah, i see, i see ♪ but i don't believe ♪ something has changed ♪ this ain't the way it used to be ♪

woman: hi, there. hi. can i help you? is it okay if we leave our bags here? that's a good question. [ laughs ] "ask again later." oh! [ laughs ] sir? sir? excuse me. do you know where the art department is? i-i'm modeling for the drawing class in the nude, and i'm really late. do you know where it could be? no idea. you have no idea. well, they told me it was around someplace. you know, it's gonna take them a long time to kind of get this body all painted. i got to -- i got to go. i'm sorry you don't know. i'm sorry. thank you very much. thank you an awful lot.

chelsea miller writes, "dear, betty, i'm concerned about global warming. do you have any helpful tips for going green?" well, i've taken some steps to reduce my energy use. i replaced my light bulbs. i put solar panels on my roof. and lastly -- [ buzzing ] for crying out loud, richard, keep pedaling! sorry, betty. [ panting ] i feel if we all work together, we can solve anything.