this is my favorite one. it's upside down. oh, sorry. (woman vo) it takes him places he's always wanted to go. that's why we bought a subaru. (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.

>> the weather is much darker tonight. >> it will be nice and bright tomorrow. a little warmer and more humid. improvements for the weekend forecast. .howers are unlikely saturday by sunday morning, the rain is gone. great for football. high temperatures in the low 70's. >> perfect. >> good for the ravens. what are the chances we would have rain on saturday night? >> thanks for joining us.

>> announcer: it's "the tonight show with jay leno," featuring rickey minor and "the tonight show" band. tonight, jay welcomes tim allen.

from the world champion miami heat, dwyane wade. the music of fitz & the tantrums. and jay checks out new apps. and now, jay leno! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: thank you very much! thank you very much! hi, everybody! welcome to "the tonight show." nice to have everybody here. oh, boy. you know, it's been a pretty

rough week in the news. so, let's start out with some happy news, huh? looks like the federal government could be shutting down. yeah! [ cheers and applause ] yeah, that's good news. no, if the republicans and democrats can't get together, there's a strong possibility of a federal government shutdown. you know what the legal definition of that is? a government shutdown is when congress continues not to work, but they do it from home. [ light laughter ] see, they don't work. first of all, why do we call it a government shutdown? we are $17 trillion in debt. why don't we call it a going out of business sale. doesn't that make more sense? [ laughter ] you know? that's right get all that -- [ cheers and applause ] ugh. exactly. get all that craout of the smithsonian. put it all over the lawn. there you go! [ light laughter ] well, pundits say president obama is starting to lose support from his own party. give you an idea how bad it's gotten, today jimmy carter compared him to jimmy carter. [ laughter ] that's not -- that's not a good sign. and syrian president assad told

fox news that if he were ever to talk to president obama, he would tell obama to listen to your own people. is he the one to give advice about listening to your own people, huh? [ light laughter ] his people are shooting at him. really! why don't you listen to them? yeah, exactly! shut up! [ cheers and applause ] well -- and according to a fox news poll, most americans don't understand obamacare. you know why? 'cause it's not in spanish. that's why they don't understand it. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] if it were in spanish they'd be like -- exactly, exactly. [ applause ] well, listen to this. like critics are saying that obamacare will require doctors to ask you about your sex life. see, that is outrageous. because your sex life is between you and the nsa, okay? and nobody else has any right to listen in or see those pictures. that would be embarrassing to have to talk to a doctor about your sex life, wouldn't it? you know what's even more embarrassing? if during the physical exam you say to the doctor, "yeah, this is my sex life, doc.

[ laughter ] pretty much. pretty much it." yeah. that would be horrible. [ applause ] that would be horrible. see, that's where the kardashians are very smart. when the doctor asks them about their sex life, they can just give them the dvd. "here you go. [ laughter ] just take a look at that. just put it in there." [ cheers and applause ] i thought this was kind of cool. the 13th annual u.s. sumo open took place right here in los angeles this past weekend. and something really strange happened when one wrestler picked the other guy up and threw him down. take a look at what happened. [ yelling ] [ cheers and applause ] [ implosion ] ♪ >> jay: gas prices -- gas prices have been over $3 a gallon for the 1,000th day in a a row.

listen, gas is so expensive, eliot spitzer now is hiring hookers just to siphon it for him. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] gas is so expensive now they're actually selling it at the apple store. that's how expensive. ♪ [ applause ] it is so expensive, people are running out of gas faster than the yankees in october. that's how fast. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] it is so expensive, i saw miley cyrus give a gas station owner a giant foam finger. that's how high -- ♪ [ applause ] ugh. hey, listen to this. miller lite is now advertising the new punch top can -- makes the beer pour faster. oh, and that's our biggest problem in the country, isn't it? we can't get the beer out of the can fast enough. the beer -- it's not coming out fast enough. exactly. [ applause ] well, you know -- england having a huge problem with public drunkenness. in fact, officials now are looking to hire private companies to run drunk tanks.

well, here's the story. [ sirens ] >> the problem of binge drinking in britain can be seen on the streets every night. some police say they want to stop it by hiring private companies to run drunk tanks. >> i think one of the impacts of that it would be a deterrent effect on people who choose to go out and get so drunk that they are incapable of looking out for themselves. even members of the royal family have been caught on camera having bouts of public drunkenness. [ laughter ] [ moaning ] >> jay: you hate to see that. [ cheers and applause ] terrible. you hate to see the queen. and executives at starbucks want to ban people with guns from coming into their stores. they want to ban people with guns. today the clerks at 7-eleven said, "what? you can ban people with guns from coming into your store? [ laughter ] why didn't we think of that?" oh, listen to this. a costco in arizona is now selling a 60-year-old bottle of

single malt scotch for $17,000. you know what you can by for $17,000 at costco? everything else at costco, okay? [ laughter ] and some sad news. the video game pioneer, the former president of nintendo has passed away at the age of 85. [ audience aws ] he's survived by his two brothers, mario and luigi. [ laughter ] those are his two brothers, and they're very sad. [ applause ] and some sad news. "penthouse" magazine has filed for bankruptcy. yeah. apparently they couldn't compete with miley cyrus. it was just too much. [ light laughter ] well, here's a great story. you probably saw this. brad pitt accidentally joined in a british company's wedding reception after they ran into him at a hotel bar. he stayed at the same hotel where the wedding was, and he hung out with them. took photos all day. that's gotta be a let down for the wife on the wedding night, huh? [ laughter ] you spend the whole wedding party reception with brad pitt and now you have to go upstairs and sleep with bob the accountant.

[ laughter ] pretty horrible that is. horrible that is. [ applause ] oh, man. and amc announced plans for a a spinoff of "the walking dead." producers say the show will also feature a bunch of mutilated, brain dead zombies. we have that show. it's called "the real housewives of beverly hills." [ laughter ] we already have that show. we don't need that show. hey, and how about this? [ cheers and applause ] it is still september. kmart has come out with the very first holiday commercial of the season. let me show you a little bit of this ad. show the ad. ♪ >> don't let the holidays sneak up on you. kmart, get in. get more christmas. >> jay: okay, hold it right there. hold it right there. hold it right there. did you see how that lady touched the gingerbread man? [ light laughter ] you can't get away with that in the workplace anymore. okay, show the rest -- show the rest of the commercial.

♪ >> the bad lady is gone now. show us on this cookie where she touched you. [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause ] >> jay: we'll be right back with "what's appening" and tim allen. say hello to rickey minor and "the tonight show" band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] applebee's new honey pepper grill is now part of our exclusive 2 for $20 menu.

new honey pepper grill combines pure honey and cracked pepper. [ male announcer ] i really want to believe you, but... you want proof? roll the proof! [ male announcer ] there you go. new honey pepper grill. part of our 2 for $20 menu. see you tomorrow. [ male announcer ] there you go. new honey pepper grill. it's where you email, yshop, even bank.e here. but are you too comfortable? these days crime can happen in a few keystrokes. american express can help protect you. with intelligent security that learns your spending patterns, and can alert you to an unusual charge instantly. so you can be a member of a more secure world. this is what membership is. this is what membership does. talking about delicious breakfast choices. check out walmart's huge selection of cereals. my kids' favorite!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back! we've got a fun show for you tonight. he's the star of the tv show "last man standing." a good friend of ours as well, tim allen. tim allen here tonight. also from the world champion miami heat and nine-time nba all-star dwyane wade will join us as well. [ cheers and applause ] and later, music from the very fun and incredibly talented band, from right here in los angeles, fitz & the tantrums will perform. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, my youngest boy from a previous marriage, jimmy fallon will join us -- jimmy will be here tomorrow nigh so that will be fun. and finally if you're in las vegas tomorrow night, i'll be

at the mirage hotel and casino. so if you're over in vegas, come on by and say hello. now folks, i love all the different apps you can get for your phone and your ipad now. so right now, let's look at the great new apps in something we call "what's appening?" ♪ [ laughter and applause ] now this very first app is very popular. google earth. you all know google earth. it gives you a satellite view of any place you want. it's really amazing. there's our studio. look at that. you can get down close -- it's amazing. google earth has a new feature even more amazing. google home invasion. [ light laughter ] yeah. this goes into buildings. you can show a recent image captured from actually inside the building. anywhere in the world. let's go to the kremlin. go to the kremlin. okay. look at that. there's the kremlin. let's go inside. there's putin. [ laughter ] okay, he has no shirt on. can we -- what is he doing? can we get a shot of what -- [ audience ohs ]

oh, look at that. he's getting twerked by edward snowden, that's what's happening. how about aaron hernandez? what is he up to? let's go to the jail in massachusetts. aaron hernandez. can we go inside? okay, there he is in his cell. what's he doing? let's see. he's playing madden football. he's playing with o.j. [ laughter ] look at that! wow! look at that. [ applause ] where is -- ricky, where's paul? >> rickey: i don't know. >> jay: you don't know? >> rickey: no. >> jay: can we use this -- can we use this google thing to see if we can -- is he in the studio? can we go through the studio -- can find paul -- go in the band room. whoa, look, okay. he look like he's really enjoying -- you know he's probably watching me on the monitor. oh! [ laughter ]

and letterman is in repeats this week, too. you know a lot of popular photo apps out there. an instagram, afterlife, camera plus -- there's a ton of them. there's a new photo app coming up. i think this will be bigger than all of them. you've probably seen this commercial -- it's running all over cable. take a look. >> what's up? if you want a cool new phone app, then you want snap it. >> snap it! snap it turns your phone into a a camera. >> cool. >> wait. don't most phones do that? >> but snap it lets you take that photo and add a cool vintage look. >> i'm pretty sure a hundred other phone apps do that. >> but do they let you e-mail it to a friend? >> yep. they all do that. >> oh. well, when the friend opens that e-mail, do the other apps copy all the photos off the friend's phone and send them back to you so you can look through them and see if there's any inappropriate photos or nude shots that you can use to blackmail the friend with under a fake name?

[ laughter ] >> no. >> snap it! [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: a great app! wow. it makes blackmailing fun and easy. now there's an app a lot of people use when they go to the movies -- rotten tomatoes. this is a terrific one. it rates films 0-100 based on reviews. you also get reviewer quotes, what they thought of the film. well, there's a similar app now to rate people. it is called rotten in bed. no, no, no. this is really good. it rates a person's sexual prowess based on reviews from partners. you know? let's try it on -- wayne, wayne, can we try it on you -- do you mind? >> yeah, jay, i'm feeling pretty good about this. [ light laughter ] >> jay: okay -- that's how most men feel. let's see how the ladies rate him. wayne, can we see -- see what

he got? oh, 8%. ooh, uneven pacing, ended too soon, hung like a baby -- never mind. that's embarrassing. wayne, i'm sorry, wayne. that's no good. >> oh! >> jay: let's try -- where is -- where's adam the page? adam -- oh, there's adam right there, adam. >> hi, jay. over here. i would really prefer you don't use this app on me. >> jay: oh, stop, this will be fine. let's try it out and see what you get. oh! [ audience groans ] i guess in hindsight i should have realized. pick somebody in the crowd at random. just pick somebody at random. >> what have we got? how about that lady right there? [ laughter ]

>> jay: let's see. 99%! wow! [ cheers and applause ] wow, look at that. she broke the bed. i still can't -- that's amazing. amazing! i'm sure that woman is thrilled she came to the show now. now this next one is a popular app for fitness called run keeper. you go for a jog or a walk or whatever -- it tracks your route, tracks your pace, tracks your distance, it is really kind of cool. well, here's a similar app. this is called sleep walker, okay? no, you strap your phone on when you go to bed. they give you a harness and it records your activity if you sleep walk. now i tried this the other night. i don't think -- i don't think i sleep walk. and i have a watch to share. we're going to download it here. i apologize if it's boring -- it was just me sleeping. well, run my sleep walker. let's see. okay, there i am sleeping on my side. you see the camera is picking that up -- oh, apparently i do

sleep walk. i'm surprised about this -- look. i'm walking around my house. i went outside? ♪ i listen to judy garland? i had no idea i did that. i'm starting to get -- no wonder i feel bloated in the morning. and that's my usual order. okay. now, what am i walking on the street? okay. i don't recognize that house. that's not my house. is that a ski mask? did i rob somebody? oh, my god. this is horrible. i don't even know what house, i don't know where that stuff is.

>> hey! i'm calling the police! ♪ >> now, look. what happened? i'm burying the stuff in the woods. >> sir, the park is closed at night. mr. leno? [ yelling ] [ laughter ] ♪ man, this is horrible. i bring the guy to my house? [ moaning ] i've done this before? [ laughter ] stop it right there. stop it. we'll be right back with tim allen. just stop it right there. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my first guest. a very funny actor and comedian, whose tv show, "last man standing" kicks off its third season tomorrow night on abc. he's also doing stand-up in las vegas in november. he's at the venetian on the 8th

and the 9th, and again on the 22nd and the 23rd. please welcome, tim allen! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: it's only 92 today. you wore your leather jacket i guess. [ laughter ] >> you've got a coat on. >> jay: yeah, i got a coat on -- >> that girl was very good. that was a really good song. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah, she's terrific. allison is great. does a great job. hey, happy birthday. had a birthday since the last time i saw you. >> yes. i turned 60, that was -- >> jay: 60, wow! [ cheers and applause ] >> that's only seven in dog years though, right? >> jay: seven in dog years. no, how old is that in dog years? no, it's the other way isn't it? >> is it? >> jay: yeah, i don't know how it works. >> 7,000 in dog years.

[ light laughter ] >> jay: yeah, i'm not sure there. >> dog would never get to be -- dogs don't live to 60. >> jay: okay, and how old are your kids now? >> oh god, here we go. 24 and four. >> jay: 24 and 4, so. [ laughter ] >> i don't get home much. >> jay: took a while for the cialis to kick in, i guess. >> you can say that again. [ laughter and applause ] well, what's really crazy is my mother -- i got a lot of brothers. there's seven boys, two girl in my family. and my brothers are all doing the math. "you know when you're --" yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. and it literally -- when my kid's 16 i'll be -- you know, up in a window. [ light laughter ] >> jay: like the guy in "breaking bad." ding, ding, ding. ding, ding, ding. >> the kid, "dad, roll your self over by the window so you can wave at my birthday party." [ laughter ] you have something to look forward to, people. >> jay: well, you're in good health. do you mind -- >> no, i'm not jay. no, i'm not. no, i'm not. >> jay: no, you're not in good health? >> no. >> jay: no? >> i can't eat a twinkie.

i used to love twinkies. >> jay: they're back! >> they're back, but i get the gurgle. [ light laughter ] you know, you get a certain age, you know, and you just don't know. all of the sudden you don't tolerate lentil. >> jay: yeah. >> there's no lentils in a a twinkie, but, you know, i'll be at dinner you get that -- [ gurgling noises ] [ light laughter ] >> jay: yeah, oh, yeah. >> and one's okay. but you get a series of those, you gotta make some decisions. [ laughter ] you've gotta -- you gotta get up, people. you've gotta get out. >> jay: so, how did you celebrate your 60th birthday? big night club somewhere? go to a strip joint? what did you do? >> oh, yeah, jay, you know me. strip joints. [ light laughter ] i stripped for the people. that's what i did. [ scattered cheers ] i did. thank you, for that. that was nice. [ laughter ] look, i'm studly underneath all this leather, that's what i do. no, my good friend -- and i will thank him again at warner brothers. i asked him if i could see a a cut of "superman." and we rented a small theater and brought all my friends we watched, "superman" privately -- which i loved -- but big enough that you're not in a screening room. >> jay: yeah. and that's like at 4:00 p.m., and by 6:00 p.m., "whoo! time for bed." i hear ya. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. >> jay: did you like the

superman movie? >> ehh. [ laughter ] >> jay: oh, you weren't so thrilled? >> no, you know what it is? >> jay: what's the matter? >> when you think about it, the whole movie ended in a a headlock, right? that's how he got the guy. >> jay: oh, yeah, right. yeah, yeah. >> so why don't you just start with that? why don't you just lead with the -- [ struggling noises ] that was it, that was the whole movie. and i thought about it. he really was thrown at this planet by caring parents, that's three quarters water. they didn't know where the guy was gonna land. so really, jor-el's kind of a a flakey dad. [ light laughter ] >> jay: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> he didn't know he was gonna get in costner's yard. that was just kind of a lucky thing. >> jay: yeah. >> anybody see the movie? evidently not. we weren't really -- [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> jay: well i know, you are a a huge -- you are a huge superman fan, correct? >> i like superman. but you know -- getting with the batman thing, right? >> jay: no, superman and batman are teaming up. >> yeah, i don't know about that. [ light laughter ] >> jay: now why, why? >> well -- you know, let's be honest. ben's a good looking man, you know? you know, between you and i. he's a handsome guy. [ light laughter ] a handsome guy -- [ cheers and applause ] many movies he's done and directed, yes, he's very

talented. but you're gonna see batman with him in it and you're gonna be in theater going, "why is ben affleck wearing the batman suit?" [ light laughter ] 'cause he's just a a recognizable -- you need an unrecognized -- and really, when you think about it, what does superman really need with batman? >> jay: yeah, he doesn't really need. >> when he does, he's just being nice to take the interview. [ light laughter ] >> jay: right, right. >> but, i mean, what does batman bring to the table? he comes in, he goes, "hey, look at this. i've got metal, bat boomerangs that stick in wood." superman goes, "yeah, but i can make 'em like this. i go like this." "all right. wait a minute, i got a car that goes 160 miles an hour." then superman goes, "i just flew to mars while you said that." [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] "look at this. all kevlar. all kevlar. i've got kevlar everywhere." and then, of course, he goes, "i'm basically the man of steel." so, you know, the only way you get back at him -- now, this is the problem with me going to movies. i'm watching the movie going, "wait a minute, superman. this is the deal." batman, wings, if you remember, they're wings. >> jay: right. >> but superman? what's the cape about? >> jay: you don't really need the cape. >> i think there was a point

that superman actually looked in the mirror and went, "eh, this needs something." [ laughter ] you know? because he basically is a frog man. and he actually must've said, this needs a little color. a dash or something. [ laughter and applause ] >> jay: you know my superman thing? did you grow up watching "superman" on tv? >> oh, yeah, with reeves. >> jay: i can't remember who used to do this bit, but it always made me laugh. remember when superman would stand there, and the guys would fire the gun -- bing, bing, bing, bing -- the bullets would bounce off? then the kid would go, and then he'd throw the gun at superman and go, "aah!" >> yeah, he would duck. [ laughter ] >> jay: "ow, don't throw that rubber gun at me!" >> don't throw the rubber gun at me. >> jay: don't throw the rubber gun -- >> bullets are one thing. >> jay: -- it might hit me in the head. [ laughter ] so if you could have a super power, which super power would you want? >> well, actually, with a a partner, matt keller. we wrote a movie called "zoom" which turned into this kids film. but originally it was about a a guy that could go as fast, like the flash. >> jay: right. >> there's a science fiction

movie, "the stars are my destination." it was writ in the -- written, wrote? >> jay: written in the '50s? is that what you were gonna say? >> think somebody wrote it in the '50s. [ light laughter ] he was about a guy who can move really fast. i thought, that's a tremendous gift. if you didn't have an end to it. like the flash, he never knew how fast -- >> jay: right, right. >> but you could go real fast. 'cause i like fast cars -- >> jay: right. sure, sure. so that would be you. you'd wanna move fast? >> move, well, physically fast. i can move pretty fast right now. >> jay: you can move fast? really. wow, that's amazing. >> i just left the building for a moment. [ laughter ] >> jay: really? 'cause i -- you know something? >> you sensed that. >> jay: i was looking at your eyes and you did leave the building. [ laughter ] look, we'll take a break. more with tim right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back. we're talking with tim allen. [ applause ] you just had a big birthday. you get any gadgets for your birthday? you like all kinds of gadgets. >> i can't keep up with you and the cars. i swear every time i show up, you have a car, i was thinking about. "i'm going to get a galaxy with a 427." you got that." >> jay: it's a a great car. >> it's a great car. "i'm gonna get a corvair." i got this corvair in mind. someone says, "you mean like leno's?" but, lunk here, you still have like a flip phone or something, don't you? >> jay: i have a telephone that works quite well, yes. [ laughter ] >> the translation is it's like one of those ones for old people. >> jay: yeah, no. [ laughter ] >> i got a, i got a -- >> jay: what do you have now? >> what do i got with me? curiously, i'm testing a a powerful new blackberry that works out very well. >> jay: oh, blackberry. i'm sorry is this a repeat? it's 2001, i'm sorry? [ laughter and applause ] >> very powerful. i didn't expect -- >> jay: tell us about "home improvement." how is it going? a blackberry? [ laughter ] >> i'm trying out the new

software on the iphone over here. >> jay: oh, that's the iphone? >> that's the iphone. everybody's got it. you've got to have one. it's a law here in california. you have to have an iphone. [ laughter ] but i got the modern tech. this one's very exciting. >> jay: is that a geiger counter? what is that? >> this does, in fact, find water. >> jay: what is that? a russian phone from 1958? "hello, brivosky?" [ laughter ] >> this is an android thing from china. >> jay: what is that? i just bought this to scare the girls at the office. >> jay: and what is this for? does this take your prostate too? >> good night! how did you know? [ laughter and applause ] >> jay: you put that in, then you get the reading right there? is that how it works. look how big and clumsy it is. what is that, it's rubber? >> it's rubberized, it's water proof. it's an android phone. >> jay: how often are you at -- >> look how cool you look though. >> jay: -- at 10,000 meters. "let me make a call." really. [ laughter ] >> every time i bring this out. dudes go, "what is this that?" men love yellow things with rubber. i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jay: there's a joke there. i'm not gonna touch it. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. no, but what it is. my studio is just down the block. this is a walkie, so i think i can -- something's gonna happen.

please don't show up now. but, it's a walkie talkie. i don't know what it is but i like that it's subtle. [ laughter ] >> jay: tell me about. i saw you posted this photo. show that photo. what is that all about? what's going on there? >> i'm a a little, i'm a little confused. some lady sent this to my facebook and twitter, who say, i say, you say. [ laughter ] but, there is a -- she had an air freshener with my head. this is shocking. you're driving, "what in the hell?" [ laughter ] >> jay: i know your head is not fresh so i don't know why that would -- >> how do you know my head is not fresh? >> jay: i'm sitting right here. [ laughter ] is that something they market? these tim allen air freshener? >> somebody somewhere has an air freshener with my noggin on it. but you tweet it, you twitter it. i got people helping me, i can tweet. i'm going to go tweet, right now. >> jay: you got enough equipment to tweet on, do you? >> i got a tweet. i'm gonna go tweet, i'm say, "right now on the show" but you know the tape delay. when's this on, next month? when is this on? "on the show." we'll see when this shows up. it's tweeted. >> jay: can you see the buttons, grandpa?

>> hoo-hoo wow! [ laughter ] this is just painful. i was going to say i'm going to miss coming over here. i really don't like this idea of you leaving. >> jay: you can come visit me any time you want. more importantly, last time i talked with you, you were working a camaro. did you finish it? >> finished a '68 camaro with a a big block 427. it's not actually a big block. i don't know how they work that out. >> jay: it's a small block taken to 427. >> yeah, how do they do that? >> jay: they stroke it. but go ahead, did you have a a picture of it? >> whoa. yeah, right there. >> jay: that's a good looking car. >> it's a great looking car. a big fast car. it's gonna be at sema this year. got a bunch of people including gm helped me put this thing together. but it looks real stock when you see it up front. and it's real fast. >> jay: how fast? do you have any problems? >> a little problem when i first tested it. >> jay: let's see. what are we gonna see here? >> you're going to see what happens when -- we closed off the street -- [ screeching tires ] [ laughter ]

>> oh, god. oh, god. [ shouting ] [ laughter and applause ] >> jay: i know that street -- >> yeah. >> jay: so congratulations. third season, "last man standing." that's pretty good. >> it's great. we had the guys from "duck dynasty" on. >> jay: how was that? >> they're not what you think. they're overwhelmed, the popularity of the show. they're not, they look like hillbillies, but they're not, they look like zz top. but they're not. si is a fun guy. willie and si showed up as, kind of themselves. but, you know they're big, man. these guys, it is our first season at 8:00 on tomorrow night. but they're getting there. they wanted a private plane. >> jay: private plane? >> yeah, disney sent a crop duster. [ laughter ] trying to get that in there. it seemed funny at the time. >> jay: now, there's a photo of the three of you there. >> which one's me? [ laughter ] that guy si is really authentic. they're both, they're genuinely

great guys. they come on a set. they do a reality show. i told them, we are in reality doing this show. we just have better craft service. actually we don't because it is an abc show. [ laughter ] >> jay: yeah. [ audience aws ] hey, come over here. you'll go running back. >> i bet, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jay: anyway, "last man standing," fridays on abc. tim allen, thank you, buddy. be right back with dwyane wade, right after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ crowd ] awww.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my next guest, a a nine-time nba all-star, and a a 3 time nba champion of the miami heat. next thursday he'll be hosting his charity event in miami, "night on the runway." please welcome, dwyane wade! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: hey, congratulations on the championship. that's your third ring, right? >> yes, my third ring. what's up over there, man? [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: hey, i gotta ask you. game six, that was a pretty close call. >> uh -- yeah. i mean, we was only down 5 with like, 20 some seconds left. i mean, that's what we do. [ light laughter ] we practice that all day. >> jay: i know, i know. but, i mean, they were all set to give to it san antonio, right? >> yeah, man. >> jay: i mean, they had the trophy. i mean, you guys could see them setting up the trophy, right?

>> yeah, they started bringing out, like, the yellow tape. you know? and when they bring out the yellow tape, that mean that somebody is about to celebrate. being down five with 20 some seconds, you know it's not you. so, you know, we went back to the huddle with our head down thinking about how we was in this position a couple years ago. we lost game six here. and coach drew up a play, and we got a shot to go in, and gave us some life. and then everyone knows the story from there. ray allen hits that amazing three in the corner. >> jay: yeah. congratulations, great. [ applause ] >> saved our season. >> jay: but psychologically -- does that -- does that, like, throw you psychologically? oh, you see the san antonio things -- >> yeah. like, the fans were popping they jerseys at us. the team was celebrating, and you put your head down. you know, and go to that dark place. but came out of it pretty -- >> jay: now you and lebron, after '14 you're free agents, right? >> eh. [ light laughter ] >> tim: jay and are thinking of starting up a little league. >> it's a lot of -- you know, it's a lot of media probably watching this. in miami, they gonna stay up because they heard i was on the

show, so, i can't give them nothing. >> jay: oh, okay. >> no, so, i don't even know what you're talking about. >> jay: oh, okay. you don't know what i'm talking about. let me ask you about -- now, you went to lebron's wedding last week, right? >> i did, i did. >> jay: now what is that -- is that like some top secret affair? how does that work? >> no, it was. it was like no, no phones. and you know, no phones nowadays is like, it's unbelievable. >> jay: like no pants. >> you go nowhere without your phone. >> jay: yeah, there you go right there. >> tim: i got phones everywhere. [ light laughter ] >> so there was no phones. but, it was -- a beautiful, beautiful wedding without giving away details, i just want to say that it was, we had an unbelievable time. and i can't tell you guys nothing else. >> jay: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] so speaking of weddings, now, you and gabrielle union, you guys -- are you guys -- got back together again? look, he's squirming now. look at that. >> yeah, that's why i got the suit on. it's like a wet suit. you know what, jay? i'm gonna tell you something a a little personal. >> jay: sure, sure. >> all right, so celebrity relationships is very hard. you know, you guys know. so, for us this was big a year for us in our relationship from the standpoint of she was

shooting her show, being mary jane, gone most of the year. i was dealing with my injuries, trying to win a championship. so, you know, we kinda took step back. >> jay: kind of drifted apart. >> yeah, we kinda took a step back. and, you know, we supported each other, but we took a step back for a little while, but at the end of the day, you know, we came back together and say, "listen, we wanna continue this. we wanna continue to try to get better each day." and she's been with me, and i've been with her all summer long. >> jay: oh, okay. >> and we really -- we're going strong now. [ applause ] >> jay: oh, that's good. that's good. i know you're a -- [ applause ] i know you're a terrific dad, and a strict dad. you're a pretty strict dad, aren't you? >> eh, it depends on which kid's, right? >> jay: have you asked your kids? what would they say? [ light laughter ] >> they would say at times. they would say at times. but, you know, i try to be a a cool dad, but also try to be a dad i want my kids to, you know, respect the rules that i lay down. so, i got good kids though. man, they're great. >> jay: well, you got a great looking family. show the two boys. there they are right there. [ audience aws ] >> oh, my little man. yeah. they're bigger than that now. >> jay: so what'd you guys do for summer?

did you do anything? >> yeah. i like to spend time with them, man. i like to, you know, let them -- i like to spend time with them now because when they get older they're not gonna spend time with me. so i try to, you know, put the work in now. but we went on a vacation together. we went to turks and caicos. and, you know, the funny thing about it, my kids are so adventurous. and i'm really not. i'm like a punk when it comes to, like, water -- anything in the water. >> jay: no, not a water guy? >> no water guy. so my kids, they want to do everything. they wanna parasail, they wanna do everything. so i just say to them, i say -- they say, "dad, come on. let's go parasail." i'm like, "you know what, in my heat contract, it says --" [ laughter ] so i punk out. i let them know. i can't do none of that. [ applause ] >> jay: it's important to lie to the kids. now, something made me laugh, you got a line of men's socks coming out. >> i do. >> jay: now, i'm thinking -- i'm thinking sports jackets -- why socks? >> well, i like socks. >> jay: you like -- we all like socks. >> tim: yeah, we all like socks. >> no, you know, i just started wearing, like, cool, funky socks.

and kinda got into a space where this company, stance. an unbelievable company, stance came. we kinda got into a a conversation about would i be willing to design socks? and i have a few coming out in november. november 1st. i have my line coming out. >> jay: now do you prefer the ankle, the knee? what sort of sock? >> kind of in between, you know? >> jay: are those yours right there? >> this is a part of the stance collection. [ scattered cheers ] >> jay: well, here's some -- here are some -- look, how does this look? nothing? >> no, i don't like that. [ light laughter ] it's either no sock or -- i don't like it. [ with german accent ] >> jay: yeah, i am from germany. how are you? nice to meet you. [ light laughter ] >> that look like, like, my agent. like, that's the way may agent's socks is. for sure. >> jay: now that is a white guy outfit. isn't it? >> yeah, no doubt. >> jay: okay, what else we got here? how about these? >> well, i like those. >> jay: you like those? >> tim: yeah, sure. [ talking over each other ] >> football, you know, i get some bears colors, sit there and watch the game on sunday with my toes -- and wiggle them -- >> tim: i can't go there.

>> jay: the individual -- >> tim: i can't do that. >> jay: the condom for each toe doesn't work for me. >> tim: too much work. >> my toes won't fit anyhow. >> jay: too much work. too much work lining up each little piggy. >> especially when your toes are like, on top of each other. it's hard, but i like them. >> jay: what does tim got for -- tim, let's see your socks. what do you got? >> tim: but i will tell you, my mom told me a long time ago, you can't ever do talk shows -- first time i did johnny, she saw a little skin. i got a call from my mom. she goes never do that. and she got me socks to go up here. >> jay: well, these -- these are some of yours. tim, which would you like? we have three here. what do you like? >> yeah, see? we got the miami. >> jay: got the miami heat. >> got the miami heat for the championship. >> jay: okay, then we have kind of a tropical -- this is very popular with the young people. >> tim: no, see, i can't do the miami. i'm from detroit, so, yeah, no, i can't do that. >> tim: i like that one right here. >> jay: yes, that'll be yours. >> think of warm, fuzzy. >> tim: i like this. i like going on right here. >> yeah. >> jay: hey, tell me about this. i know you do a lot of great work with charity. [ laughter ] >> oh! >> jay: tell me about this

charity event 'cause you do a a lot of -- a lot of great work with kids. i know you like to help kids at risk. tell people what the event is. >> well, i just celebrated my tenth year of service for the wade's worth foundation. and we just got done doing an event in chicago. and now i'm doing my event that i started doing last year in miami. it's called "the run wade." you know, stole the runway. and it's a fashion show, man. you know, we come out, we get all these people to put on nice clothes, come out. you know, we raise the money for my foundation for inner city youth, but, you know, it's a fashion show. so, we get out there, you know, do our walk down the runway and just have fun, man. it's a great time >> jay: now training -- training camp starts -- the first game is what? october 29th, is that right? >> yeah. my lady's birthday, too, by the way. we gotta win. >> jay: now, you gonna three peat? what do you think? >> we hope. we trying to get like the lakers and the bulls. we trying to, you know, but it's gonna be tough. but, we gonna -- hopefully, knock on wood, no injuries, and we able to have our whole team healthy and try to go for this thing. >> jay: you know the sad thing? that's not even real wood. [ applause ] dwyane, thank you, my friend.

and good luck with your charity. >> thank you. appreciate it. >> jay: keep up the good work. be right back with fitz & the tantrums! [ cheers and applause ] ♪