[ tires squeal ] [ crash!get off! didn't you see me in the crosswalk?! let me off your hood, you old geezer! somebody help! where are you going?! get the hell off of it! hey! what, are you crazy?! get off my car! you idiot! what are you doing?! get off! aah! [ crash! ] [ twisted sister's "we're not gonna take it" plays ]

♪ we're not gonna take it ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ ♪ we're not gonna take it take my picture. ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪ we're not gonna take it oh, my god! ♪ anymore hit me! ♪ we're not gonna take it come back here! ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it say "big boobs." ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ aah! [ gasps ] [ cheers and applause ] hi, there, and welcome to "off their rockers," where me and my peeps get all up in your posse's grill.

right now i'm just gonna relax and hope for a happy ending. to our show -- a happy ending to our show. [ chuckles ] you, watch this. and, you, keep rubbing. i'm not happy yet. [ mid-tempo music plays ] man: excuse me. do you know anything about pineapples -- if they're good or not? usually it's the spots. you don't want the color to be turning too brown. yeah? does this look like a good one to you? you know, i've also had them help me pick one out. yeah? well, you know what? you don't want this to get too dry. i'll try it anyway. yeah. touchdown! [ mid-tempo music plays ]

excuse me. can i ask you a question? i'm supposed to meet my grandson, and i want to go to a restaurant where we can have a quick sandwich. can you tell me where there might be one? there are like three good spots on the drag. there's switch-wich or potbelly's. why are you not looking in my eyes when you're talking to me, and looking at my jugs, you pervert? ♪ crazy ♪ i used to be crazy ♪ crazy ♪ i used to be crazy [ mid-tempo music plays ] excuse me, guys. could i interrupt you for just a second -- and interrupt your lunch?

they're having a publicity shoot in about two minutes, and they're looking for very desirable and appealing people. and you two are perfect. [ laughter ] but would you mind covering your face when the cameras start to roll because -- yeah, perfect. [ mid-tempo music plays ] [ sighs ] it's starting to cool down a little bit, huh? it's getting nicer now. i know, right? it was miserable today. it was really hot. i'm not from this area. i'm from new york, and this weather is unbelievable, you know? i'm nick, by the way. amanda. hi, amanda. can i sit down for a minute? sure. yeah. i'm just waiting for a friend. well, we'll wait together. you know something. i've got to tell you the truth.

i need to talk to somebody 'cause i'm scared to death. i went to a dermatologist, and he thinks i have some kind of a rare skin fungus. and he thinks it's the beginning stages. and it itches really bad. does that look weird to you? because he says i could have picked it up from shaking somebody's hand. but i don't think it's that bad. i mean... i would listen to him. you think i should listen to him? he says this is the beginning. it's gonna open up, and -- i hate to say the word -- but he said it's gonna get pus-y. i don't know what to do. maybe you should go get a second opinion. maybe that's a good idea. i'm gonna do that. i'm gonna go call my wife and tell her "let's find another doctor." thank you so much. you're very nice to take some time and make me feel better. 'cause i was really scared. okay. ♪ sing la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ sing la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪ ♪ la, la, la, la, la [ mid-tempo music plays ] i'll raise you two blues and a white. uh... i'll call. full house, kings over tens. darn it, you cleaned me out. [ chuckles ] don't blame me. i suggested strip poker. [ mid-tempo music plays ] man: anyone sitting here? woman: no, go for it. all right. right in the sun.

that looks really good. thank you. is that the red leaf? excuse me, sir? mm. i think that was a fig. that was my meal. i paid for it. okay. all right. i said what i got to say. but thanks anyway. you guys are great. [ mid-tempo music plays ] ♪ i feel lik♪ and leaping singing ♪ ♪ and flying through the air. ♪ i feel that music and magic ♪ and sunshine and color everywhere. ♪ ♪ i'm gonna seize the day ♪ i tell ya alive multi-vitamins. made with 26 fruits and vegetables,

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♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ some viewers have said that our pranks can be a little dangerous. i want you all to know we test everything for safety. here you go, betty. oh, thank you, michael. [ chuckles ] aah! now, you see, that's not safe. so, we won't use that one. [ weakly ] help. ♪ ooooooooh sir, this is a "no cellphone" zone. okay. this is a "no cellphone" zone. you're on a cellphone. okay. did you see the signs? no. okay. okay. i'm gonna have to confiscate your phone.

are you serious? yeah, i'm serious. this is a green city. okay. okay? can i just have a warning or something? i didn't know, man. it's my first time here. requesting backup. i have a hostile cellphone user. woman: backup on the way. man: last chance. okay. all right. okay, just stay right here. i'll be right back. okay? that doesn't work for me. you can't just take my phone away from me and then say you're gonna come back. you can get the phone. i'm not gonna take it off of you. requesting backup. i have a very hostile cellphone user. copy that. e.t.a. two minutes. look at this guy, man. he's using a cellphone right there. hey, what am i, an octopus? give me my [bleep] cellphone back, dude. hey, i can't be everywhere at once. you're full of [bleep] you're full of [bleep] give me my [bleep] phone back. give me my phone. okay. [bleep] could have gotten it from impound. ♪ don't mess around ♪ don't mess around with me the city ambassador. ♪ nowhere to run, nowhere to hide ♪

♪ nowhere to climb to safety yeah, peggy, that guy that i was telling you about that i met online, he's due up here soon, and i hope he's as cute as he was online. because it'll belong afternoon if that's the case. i hope he doesn't talk a lot, because i like to go straight to it, kiddo. listen, listen, i can't talk long. joan? yeah? hi. how you doing? you kevin? yeah. hi, kevin. how you doing? oh, i'm doing well. good. i know we were supposed to go for a bite, but how about let's go into my place first. yeah, you got it. all right. [ surf music plays ]

excuse me. i have a tiger out of its enclosure. what's that? i have a tiger out of its enclosure over there. have you seen it? are you serious? yeah, i'm serious. no? both: no. [ mid-tempo music plays ] could you do me a favor? would you just hold that up, if you would, just to see if i could -- to myself? thank you, dear. what do you think about that? it's a great color. a great color? for you? yeah, but i don't like the sleeves. [ gasps ] oh, my god. what is he doing? i like short sleeves. man: absolutely. okay. you know?

you can say, the weather changing and all. the weather changing and all, you know? wow. and that's better. yeah. man: what do you think? yeah. i don't like the -- i don't like the, you know... now it looks like something i would wear. you know, it's a shabby chic thing. yeah. no, i think i changed my mind. i appreciate it, though. no, all right. [ laughs ] [ laughing ] this man just cut up the shi. [ mid-tempo music plays ] hi, girls, my phone died and i need to make an urgent call. do you have a phone i could borrow? thank you. thank you. just take a second. oh, bonjour, francois. can you hear me? yes, it's me.

oh, the weather's beautiful here. it's a little chilly today, but it'll warm up, yes. how is it in paris? oh. well, you know, i'm coming in june. that's what i wanted to tell you. i got my tickets today. yes. yes. is my room ready? i know you're redecorating. how does it look? oh, i love your taste. yes. are the tulips in bloom? we have to get going. really? i'll be right there. yes. yes. how's annette and the kids? give them my love. oh, i got your recipe. it was terrific. sorry, ma'am. we have to go. oh, really? no, i will. i'll try it with chicken. yes. i'm sorry. really? give us the phone, please. thank you. no, i -- yes. yes, of course. yes. ma'am, give us the phone now or we're gonna go get someone. no, i'll be off in a second. we're gonna go get someone if you don't give us the phone right now. well -- now. yes -- you know --

yes. ma'am, give us the phone. i guess i got to go. bonjour. bye. thank you so much. that was unbelievable and very rude. woman: i appreciate it. [ mid-tempo music plays ] woman: you're too slow. what takes you so long? can't you hurry? you're too slow. you're too slow. [ car alarm sounds ] come on! [ car alarm continues ] ♪ yeah, i see, i see ♪ but i don't believe ♪ something has changed ♪ this ain't the way it used to be ♪ ♪ yeah, i see, i see ♪ but i don't believe ♪ ooh, ooh

get whatever you want, baby. let's just share a 20 piece. [ internal ] 20 mcnuggets, for only $4.99? oh man. she's beautiful, smart and sensible. jackpot! [ crewperson ] anything else? [ male announcer ] get next to mcdonald's crispy, juicy chicken mcnuggets. so you get the taste you love at a price you'll love even more. guess who's going to the game? [ internal ] thank you. [ male announcer ] there's always more to love at mcdonald's. we're donating more of our food to shelters in need, keeping more dogs happy, healthy, and ready to go home. ♪ pedigree. see what good food can do.

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♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ it's our anniversary. aw. . really? 40 years. today? yeah. you guys look like a couple. [ laughs ] we're getting there. how long have you been together? two weeks. yeah. two weeks? oh, the slamming is good the first two weeks. [ laughter ] we try our best. that's good. that's good. you want to know how to make a happy relationship?

[ laughs ] so, you listen to him. [ laughs ] have a nice day. tell me! [ mid-tempo music plays ] the young, up-and-coming actresses are always asking me how to make it in this business. i tell them my three nevers -- never forget your lines, never be late for an audition, and never, ever sleep with the director. after all, it's the producers who have all the real power. [ mid-tempo music plays ] how can i help you? well, we just got in town.

we're looking for a cold beer and maybe some seafood. oh, go to www.fish.com. okay. yeah. what will that do? that will tell you. really? yeah. you can't tell us? well, i'm telling you. oh, that's it? that's the website we want? that's the website. you don't have any personal favorites? my personal favorite is personalfavorite.com. what's this place at the end of the dock here? oh, that's pier.com. thank you. you've been very helpful. thank you so much. nice to talk to you. have a good day. oh, go to haveaniceday.net. hey, absolutely. okay? [ mid-tempo music plays ] how you guys doing today? hey, can you do me a favor? there's a really angry old lady a blue suit. it's my wife. and i'm trying to hide from her.

can you just -- if you see her coming, would you just kind of give me a warning? you know, i'll try and get away. woman: jim! there. really -- what? what? oh, no. oh, god. get over here. get over here now. listen, dear. i -- [ grunts ] don't ever talk to me like that again. i'll see you at home. [ grunting ] [ mid-tempo music plays ] excuse me. i'm looking for people who have beautiful babies or cute babies for a commercial. are you interested? what do we have to do? how far do we have to go? oh, not far. can i see your baby? is it all right? oh, well, never mind. but if you do know anybody, just have them fill that out. never mind.

[ mid-tempo music plays ] test. test. show me what you're working with. whoa! abreva can heal a cold sore in as few as 2 1/2 days when used at the first sign. without it, the virus spreads from cell to cell. unlike other treatments, abreva penetrates deep to block the virus, to protect healthy cells so cold sores heal fast. as fast as 2 1/2 days when used at the first sign. ♪

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see the real deal. search hashtag maxxinista and see the brands people are scoring. t.j.maxx. the kitchen? it's amazing. lots of unexplored surfaces and tough, greasy messes to clean. oh. wow! [ male announcer ] scrubbing bubbles heavy duty cleaner with fantastik has a spray that easily cuts through grease so it cleans those greasy soils two times better than clorox clean-up. let me at that grease. [ male announcer ] scrubbing bubbles with fantastik. we work hard so you don't have to. in the kitchen. [ female announcer ] sc johnson, a family company. ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ in the kitchen. .fellas? she's got a really hot date tonight.

oh, yeah? yeah, it's the third one, so you know, she's gonna get some. anyway, you're the guy's age, and which one should she wear? oh, baby. what do you think? this is tough. personally, i'd go with the black. the black? it's definitely black. so, you think this will guarantee that i'll get lucky? you think? you think? i hope. i hope. [ laughs ] okay. good luck. thank you. thank you. [ mid-tempo music plays ] [ sighs ] [ farts ] [ farting ]

that was gross. what? oh, hey. thanks for covering for me. [ farts ] [ mid-tempo music plays ] this is really nice out here. i've never been here before. it's pretty. it'sretty, yeah. it's fun. i had -- i've had a bad time, and i needed to be out here. my husband died. woman: oh, really? i'm sorry. would you guys consider helping me with his last request? you see... ...this is harold. and he always did want to be with two younger women.

[ gasps ] no, really. this is what he always wanted. goodbye, harold. [ mid-tempo music plays ] before we say good night, it's time for "betty white's pearls of wisdom." now, listen carefully, 'cause this could change your life. floss every day, eat plenty of fresh fruit, and never, ever text a photo of a body part that dangles. you're welcome. see you next time.