what am i most afraid of? hmm, let's see. global warming. and getting a "b." the phone ringing in the middle of the night. that i'm too much of a perfectionist. honey, this isn't a job interview. oh, man. job interviews. nothing. yeah, right. what about the pigeons? oh, i don't like them. they're shifty. losing mitchell. oh! hotel bedspreads. never getting my driver's license. or getting one and the picture sucks. dying alone. claire: oh, haley, sweetie, did you find your shoes? mom, please, not today. i just wanted to know if you found your shoes.

why are you hounding me? i'm freaking out right now! you need to relax. it's just a driver's test. it's my third driver's test, and if i fail again, i have to wait six months to retake it. that's six more months of you driving me everywhere. and then i'm like, "there's no way i'm wearing that." and she was like, "well, if you don't wear it, then you can't play." "like." and then i was like, "well, you know what? that's fine by me." honey, "like." and she was like, "well, if you don't play, then --" "like." "like." mom! mom! stop! stop saying "like" all the time! you're embarrassing me! stop it!! like, like, like, like, like! aah! mm. haley, found your jacket. why is everyone on me? god! ignore her. she can't focus on two things at once. always a good quality in a driver. sweetie, we need to get you some shoes for the dance tonight. no, we don't. i'm not going. what are you talking about? why would you not be going to the dance? because school dances are lame. a bunch of immature boys trying to impress you with how cool they are when they're really just a bunch of dorks. [ australian accent ] ready to go down under, mate? yes. what are you doing?

treasure hunting. treasure hunting. wow. [ normal voice ] a few days ago, the cable guy was under the house. when he was leaving, he said to haley, "wow, that's quite a collection you've got down there." here's the thing -- we have no idea what he's talking about. all week, luke and i have been getting more and more excited about what it could be. i bet it's really cool old magazines. yeah. or a bunch of necklaces made out of animal teeth. or bugs frozen in amber. what if it's really expensive bottles of wine? or a suit of armor. what if it's gold bars? oh, you think? for god's sakes, why don't you go under the house and look? hey, cam. cam, where did we get this dolly from?

oh, from janice and olivia. they brought it over yesterday. lily loves it. it seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them. what, because they're lesbians? that's sort of an offensive stereotype, don't you think? yeah, i suppose. i'm sorry. oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee maker? no, it was too big. they were on their motorcycle. we got off to an awkward start with our pediatrician, a very nice asian lady -- irrelevant. ...named dr. miura, so i took the bold step of inviting her over for brunch. [ scoffs ] i'm sorry, uh, "bold"? she said no patient had ever done it before. yeah, subtext -- "this is weird." i didn't hear any subtext. do you hear any now? i don't even know why we're doing this. because what if lily gets sick and there's a tamiflu shortage? who do you think's gonna get that medicine? the patients she likes, that's who. well, maybe if you bake her a cake, she'll give us free x-rays. it's all about making connections. why do you think the dentist gives me all that free stuff? um, because he's a huge queen and he has a big crush on you. really? do you think so? manny: mom? gloria: hmm?

i have a fever. ay, mi amor, come here, and i feel you. oh, i don't want you to get you sick. it could be fatal. then by all means, stand next to me. let me feel you. ay, papi, but you're not warm. uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. i'd better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe. oh, yeah, the party. what? the party. i understand about 20% of what goes on around here. the party is at an amusement park, and manny is afraid of roller coasters. poor kid. i don't know where he gets his fear from, because his father's not afraid of anything -- no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars. but go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come. then you'll see fear in his eyes -- like the waiter's a ghost. excited? yeah. we're like ponce de leon and his son. little ponce. who's that? famous treasure hunters.

his name was ponce? he'd get made fun of at my school. they'd probably call him "pants." [ laughs ] "pants." or maybe, um, "fancy ponce." [ chuckles ] that's a good one. all right. let's do this. [ animal chittering ] oh, hey, wow. you okay, dad? yeah. yeah, i am. yep. gonna take a little more than getting trapped in a small, dark space with a wild animal to rattle your old man. all right. you never want your kids to see you scared. you want to be that rock that they can grab ahold of in a stormy sea. actually, a rock would sink, so a floating rock. let's start over. it's windy, and you've got a lot of papers. okay. let's do this, buddy. [ clears throat ] [ animal chittering ] okay, good recon. got the lay of the land, so... aren't we going in? yep. we are, but won't it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools? i guess. yeah.

yeah, let's do that. all right. can i just say, that is a lovely outfit? oh, thank you. well, it's just nice to see you out of your lab coat. you actually have quite a nice figure. take it down a notch. we're just trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way. oh. lily looks great. do you think so? shouldn't she have more teeth? i see these kids running around at the park, and they look like sharks. don't worry. she's perfect. aren't you, lily? oh, look how calm she is with you. she's usually very fidgety around new people. well, i just think she senses you're gonna be a good friend for her during in good times and -- and flu season. mommy! [ coughs ] did she just -- did she just say... well... [chuckles] her first word was every gay father's worst nightmare. [ crying ] mommy. oh.

jay, he won't admit it, but i know that manny's sad because he's missing the party.

why don't we take him somewhere to take his mind off it, hmm? i could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. that kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror. how about we take him to the pier and go fishing, huh? manny! he likes to fish? yeah. he comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers. but i encourage the fishing. manny, you like to fish? fishing? yeah. you want to go to the pier today? is this a trick to see if i'm really sick? no. maybe the fresh air will make you feel better. well, then, yeah, 'cause there's no place where i'm more at one with -- just get your coat. are you nervous? shut up, alex. i was just asking. i'd be nervous if i were you. alex, leave your sister alone. she's gonna be fine. as long as i don't get the same guy. he's so mean! you probably will. you won't. he hates me. he doesn't hate you. he yelled at me. you drove into the bushes. oh, no, it's him. please don't be for me. please don't be for me. please don't be for me. please don't be for me. hi. oh, thank god.

man: well, come on. i don't have all day. i'm gonna throw up. okay, no. this is what you're gonna do. you're gonna get in that car, put on your seat belt, and take three deep breaths and relax. this guy sees hundreds of kids every day. he probably doesn't even remember you, all right? okay. okay. yo! let's move it, two strikes. [ breathing heavily ] that's more than three breaths, honey. see how much better this is? the truck goes in, it gets video, and then we get a preview of whatever's in there. how ingenious is that, huh? are you too scared to go in? why would you say that? well, when you stuck your head in, you screamed a little. i told you, that was the house settling. besides, this is so much cooler. this is how nasa does it. now, hand me the itty bitty booklight. yeah. final piece of the puzzle. [ imitates whip cracking ] [ chuckles ] blast off! hey, dad?

yeah? how are you supposed to steer if you don't know where you're going? stay in the present, buddy. got to do it by feel. you got to get all jedi on it. [ motor revving ] [ motor grinding ] uh-oh. did you just lose my truck? no. you just lost my truck! no, i didn't! that was my truck! grandpa just gave it to me! i told you to stay in the present! stop yelling! truce? yeah, sorry. this is delicious. oh, thank you. the recipe's from the now-defunct gourmet magazine. why do all the things i love go away? look, i don't even think she said the "m" word. no, we heard it. it was clear as day. i-i just don't know what we've done wrong. i quit my job so i could stay at home with her, but maybe it's not enough. [ voice breaking ] maybe we're not providing her

with the feminine energy that she needs. [ sobs ] yeah, i wouldn't be too concerned about that. you -- you know it's because you're asian, right? mitchell: cam! no, i'm sorry. what, am i just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room? pandas are from china. i -- well, it doesn't matter. okay, okay, um, i think what my hysterical partner is just trying to say -- and if i may -- that for the first six months of her life, lily was raised by very loving asian women in an orphanage, with whom she clearly bonded, you know. and then suddenly you come in with all of your... asian-ness and -- and -- and breasts and womb, lady bits, and it -- it all just comes rushing back to -- to her, and... you guys are overreacting. i'm sure lily just strung a couple of random syllables together and they happened to sound something like that word, but that's all. [ chuckles ] do -- do you really think that?

of course! yeah, she -- she's right. she's right. we're being ridiculous. we're being ridiculous. your daddies are being ridiculous. mommy! okay. [ crying ] mr. tucker? no, no, she's -- she's -- she's made her choice. she's made her choice. uh, left turn. here? at the intersection, yeah. okay. left. what? i said, "left." you're going right. wait! no, wait! i'm trying, okay?! pull over. no, i can do this! pull over now! why are you crying? [ crying ] why do you hate me? oh, hell. haley, i don't hate you. you seem like a nice girl. you remind me of my daughter, which is why i want you to live a long and happy life and be safe... and not hurt my daughter. i really want my license. i've been practicing a lot, i swear. you gonna drink and drive? no, sir. you gonna text and drive? no, sir.

all right. let's start this from the beginning. could you smile first? i'll be less nervous if you smile. okay, that didn't help. just go. manny: today feels like a good day for halibut. why are we going this way? it's just another way to go. uh-oh. something's going on. what are you talking about? wake up, old man. she's trying to get me on that roller coaster. [ screaming ] no, she's not. yes, i am. what? told you. manny, you have to face your fears. that's why we're here? but why didn't you let me in on your little plan? because you're the worst liar. he would have seen right through you. i don't want to go on the roller coaster. manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary. what if i fall out?

i will catch you. that's not possible. he would crush you. w-what if i throw up? i will clean it up. it wouldn't be the first time. ah, geez, these are new shoes. you're not gonna let up, are you? baby, i think you know the answer. [ sighs ] fine, let's get it over with. [ chuckles ] that's my boy! vamos, jay. no, i'm not going on that. that's bad for my back. your back is fine. yeah, i got an inner-ear thing. oh, please. don't tell me you're scared, too. scared? what -- what is this scared stuff? what -- what am i, a child? i'm not scared. you see? you're the worst liar. well, if he's not going, i'm not going. oh, for god's sake, fine. i'll go alone. here, take my girly purse. and you, my floppy hat. and if you need it, there's the ladies' room. i'm not man enough to fight this. here, hold my purse.

oh, hell! "modern family" will be right back.

[claire] don't go away. [phil] "modern family" will be right back.

when ouwe got a subaru.s born, it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru

is where she grew up. what? (announcer) the two-thousand-fourteen subaru forester. (girl) what? (announcer) built to be there for your family. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. g them so long? i don't know. the only reason i'm not panicking is i haven't seen a giant geyser. you know, honey, i think i know why you don't want to go tonight. because school dances are lame? no, 'cause you don't know how to dance. that's not it. i can help you with that. come on. oh, god. no!

come on. no! mom! oh, yeah, back in the day, i was quite the dancer. oh, my god, you and dad together suddenly makes so much sense. mom! mom, stop! stop! please, stop. i know how to dance. i just don't want to be part of that freak show. sweetheart, you're a beautiful girl. someone will ask you to dance. i know that. it's just stupid. somebody will ask you. why do you keep saying that? somebody will ask you. but what if they don't? honey, if they don't, then you do the exact same thing i told your sister, okay? take three deep breaths and relax. even the advice i get is a hand-me-down. mom, i did it! i passed! aah! oh, my god! i got my license! congratulations. i have my license! i got my license! haley, car's not in park. oh, oops. [ emergency brake engages ] you better run to that counter. go. run! run! right now! i still can't believe you lost my truck. it's gone, buddy. let it go. you know, maybe it's better we don't solve this little mystery.

sometimes treasure's more sparkly in your imagination, where it could be gold or baseball cards or pirate maps. do you really think there could be pirate maps under there? i'm 100% sure it's possible. all right. i'm going in. what? [ breathing deeply ] really? buddy? whoa! what do you see? nothing. it's really dark in here. wait a minute. i think i see my truck. it's right over there by the -- uh-oh. what? i-i think i'm stuck. how are you stuck? my belt loop got caught on a pipe, and it's hot! have you tried wiggling? dad! it's hot! hurry! i'm coming, buddy! and hurry! there are spiders in here! oh! coming! and i'm sorry if we got all weird in there. oh, it was fine.

well, we'd like to say it's different than how it usually is, but you've seen us enough to know that that's not true. guys, listen. i had a very complicated relationship with my mother. she was born in japan -- crazy-traditional. she didn't want me to become a doctor. she wanted me to get married and have kids. but my father -- we would talk, and he would actually listen to what i wanted. anyway, what i'm trying to say is, having a mother isn't always what it's cracked up to be. oh. thank you. and if you ask me, having two fathers who care as much as you do makes lily the luckiest little girl in the world. oh, thank you so much. thank you. thank you for that. that's very sweet. thanks. thank you. and how are things with you and your mom now? [ engine turns over ] ugh. the only way she'll be happy is if i'm some asian stereotype, but that just isn't me. i didn't see those! [ glass shatters ]

[spits] spider web. oh, god. phil: my boy was in trouble, so i put my fears aside, and i came to his rescue. now, does that make me a hero? yes, it does. [ grunting ] there! thanks, dad. hey, just what dads do. let's get out of here. i want my truck. really? it was a christmas gift! could you go get it? yeah. yeah, sure. scoot. scoot through. [ grunting ] there it is. [ grunts ] got it. you okay? yeah. are you okay? you know what? i am okay. hey! hey. [ laughing ] we did it! whoo-hoo! we're under the house! [ laughing ] yeah! [ laughing ] what the heck? we're down here.

why don't we see what we got, huh? yeah. two intrepid explorers... make their way on a journey -- [ both screaming ] dead bodies!! we called the police and got a bunch of detectives over. turns out it was the last owner's halloween decorations, which is pretty funny. at least, i thought it was. everybody's afraid of something, right? heights, clowns, tight spaces. you like it, jay?! [ laughs ] i did it! whoo! those are things you get over, but then there's our children. will they fit in? will they be safe? those are fears you never get past. so, sometimes, all you can do is take a deep breath, pull them close, and hope for the best.

bye! eyes on the road! love you! eyes on the road! whoo-hoo! oh, god! phil: i mean, things don't always work out. oh, cam, i think she wants her doll. i don't know where it is. mommy. mommy. mommy. when you squeeze the doll, it says "mommy." did -- did you know that -- no clue. [ chuckles ] the doll says "mommy." the doll says "mommy." the doll says "mommy!" [ both laughing ] phil: but you got to love it when they do.

hey, dad? hmm? mom says there's an old trunk in the attic. oh, yeah, my grandpa's old steamer trunk.

in this movie i saw, there was this old trunk, and there was a secret compartment, and when you opened it, there was a whole bunch of paintings by the world's greatest painters hidden in the war. my grandpa was in the war. should we go up there? totally. it could also be diamonds. or a samurai sword. or the declaration of independence. you know, it almost doesn't even matter what's up there. what matters is what you do with the money from what's up there. we could get a motorboat. or a robotic gutter cleaner. or an indoor pool. or a two-man submarine.

ooh! individual frittatas! what a treat. you're a lucky man, phil. - i'm always saying, i'm... - (claire) phil. - sorry. - you left the milk out again. - oh. - (cameron) mmm. i may have to take one of these little guys home. claire, did you ever find that tupperware i lent you? sweetie, for the hundredth time, i gave it back to you, remember? i remember you telling me a hundred times, yet my pea soup is in baggies. did you check your car? - in the... - trunk. because that's where you found that thing that you thought that you gave me long time ago, - the... the... - pizza cutter. go ahead. give me another one. yes, i was wrong that time. it's a piece of plastic. you're ruining brunch. (jay) don't sweat it, cam. i forget things all the time. like i can never remember the name of that weather guy that i liked. uh...

thunder something. stormy... flash stormy? ah, whatever the hell it is. i don't know. just eat your eggs, jay. yeah, just eat your eggs, jay. - (jay) ohh! - oh! (cameron) oh, ho ho ho! grandpa got told! - (jay laughs) - look at them. they all think lily's so great. the novelty will wear off. we used to be the cute ones. now she gets all the attention. we need to take her down. (jay) and i should remember his name, too, because your mom and i got in a big fight over him. she was using the convertible, and i told her, "put the top up because it's supposed to rain tonight, according to..." p-p-p-partly mccloudy? whatever the hell his name is. anyway... she didn't. ruined the car. (chuckles) well, not to be the one that always comes to mom's defense... (speaks gibberish) what? it was 20 years ago. what, you think he's gonna ground you? it was you? yes. yes, i left the top down, and i let mom take the fall. and then they got divorced. 12 years later. i'm just saying. ugh. you're ruining brunch. relax. it was years ago. there's a statute of limitation on this stuff.

in that case, i should probably let you know i let the top down to let out the cigarette smoke. (phil) uh-oh! not mine. my bad friend eleanor. remember when i told you that i couldn't get to your figure skating semifinal because i was stuck at work? yeah. well, by "stuck" i meant "drunk," and by "work" i meant "the golf course." (laughter) (claire) wow. dad! (mitchell) oh, no. i got one. i got one. remember that time we went golfing together, and you got a hole-in-one? yeah? you never got a hole-in-one. i got bored and i kicked it in the hole. (laughter) (phil) this is fun. here's a corker. they didn't used to label babies as carefully in hospitals, so for two days-- not now, phil. what do you mean, you kicked the ball in the hole? what, was it, like, on the edge? yeah, it was on the edge of that sandy thing. gee, it's sure gonna be fun to face my friends today. well, you don't have to tell them. they call me "ace," mitch. i haven't paid for a lemonade down there in 20 years. - you're mad at me? - (claire) mm. great, daddy. you ruined brunch. (laughter) (cameron) you did!

this ends today. (phil speaks indistinctly, gloria laughs) ♪ a little help here? you can't expect me to focus when miranda cornell lives right down your street. she's like a dream wrapped in a wish poured into jeggings. yeah, yeah, that's nice and all, but we got a trap to set. are you sure this is going to work? trust me. we'll use these cookies as bait. lily's crazy for them. asian metabolism. when she grabs them with her grubby little hands, off goes the trap. boom-- big puddle of milk. she'll get in so much trouble. my mom hates messes. i'm familiar with claire. lock... and loaded. (loudly) mmm! these cookies are so good... and so easy to reach. (manny) lily!

whoa! (groaning) - oh, my god! cam! - oh! ohh! what happened? are you okay? oh! that milk... fell, and i must have slipped in it! did i leave that out again? i'm so sorry! oh! my back! ooh! my back! can i give you a swedish massage, accent optional? oh! oh, no, i just need to lie down. come on. let's just get you over to the sofa. ohh! do you think it would be offensive if i asked our daughter to walk on my back? i'd say so. i just offered to give you a massage. oh, no! you broke beatrice. now she can't feed the dolphins. what is she talking about? oh, it's a "my sweet companion" doll. they all have these elaborate backstories. beatrice works with blind dolphins and models. (gasps) there are blind models? that's so sad. they cannot see how pretty they are. (strained voice) give me some. give me some. give me some. oh! let me buy lily a new doll. it's my fault cam fell.

no, no need. uh, the my sweet companion store actually has a hospital with an on-call doctor. well, i can go. i'm taking the girls to the mall anyway. oh, that'd be great. yeah. and don't worry. she has medical insurance. yeah, and i think we've met our deductible for the year, so you should be good. (cameron) yeah. do you know what a doll is in my village? an apple on a fork. i never really got dolls. does that make me weird? it's on the list. you're not weird. you just kind of skipped the little girl stage. and jumped to the "i dare you to ring her doorbell" stage. the only stage you're ever going to jump on has a pole on it. hey, at least i have the body-- okay! okay! (overlapping shouts) we're gonna have to settle this dispute in court-- the food court. the honorable judge cinnabon presiding. the food court? that place smells like the inside of luke's bicycle helmet. - i like the food court. - me, too. don't worry, girls. we're not gonna deprive ourselves just 'cause of haley's aversion to food-- (laughs) oh. oh, haley's "aversion." i thought you said...

never mind.

okay, so after you have turned on the monitor and selected your input, you can change the channel with this guy. but if you need to change the volume-- you know what? i think i'm fine. why don't you just go ahead? i know this sounds really confusing, but there's actually a very simple way to remember it. ("here we go 'round the mulberry bush") ♪ input 1 ♪ is the cable box, cable box ♪ i think i'm just gonna take a nap. okay. i'm going to yoga. ay! that sounds like so much fun. oh, you should go with her, gloria! oh, we should definitely do that sometime. - i would love it. bye! - ehh. do you see how she gives me the cold shoulders? i don't even know why i try. (gasps) ay. sorry. oh, well, that's just claire, you know? she's a pritchett. you gotta break through those walls. the sooner the better. you really think so? yeah. why don't you go? now. forge that friendship! okay, i go. i have my gym bag in the car. feel better! okay, thank you! i'm just gonna lie here...

(clatter) i knew for a fact claire never returned my tupperware, i just needed a few minutes alone to find it. and when i did, i'd never have to hear them snicker again, "oh, silly cam" or "forgetful cam," because revenge is a dish best served cold. and even better, two days later out of 24-ounce microwave-friendly burp-sealed pak-n-stor. (door opens) oh, hey! i thought you were going to the pharmacy. - i forgot my phone. - oh. ugh! i think i'm just upset about this stupid thing with my dad. well, sweetie, i'd love to hear about it when you come back with my heating pad from the pharmacy, because i hurt my back, remember? i mean, did he overreact or what? it's just a game, right? maybe you should go talk to him. - yeah. - huh? hmm. oh, i should have just kept my mouth shut. i mean, it was such a great day.

after he thought he got that hole-in-one, he took us out to dinner. he bought me my first beer. well, there you go. he's probably hurt because you marred a very special father-son experience. - you think? - you marred it. but you can fix it. he's down at the club right now. go, mitchell! un-mar that memory! you know what? i'm gonna do it. - ow. - sorry. what were you thinking saying that in front of him? i'm sorry. it slipped out. besides, i figured he knew. mom knows. only because she dragged it out of dylan. and she promised not to tell dad until i left for college, which means he might have never found out. stop panicking. we don't even know for sure he heard what i said. okay. beatrice is with the nurse. they'll call us. shouldn't be too long. we can just wait until she's married. until she's... ready. which, apparently, everyone is these days. funny, i used to think it'd be years until everyone was ready, but i guess i was wrong. wrong and naive.

surprise! oh! gloria. my god. i came to do yoga with you. i wasn't expecting to see you here. that's why i say "surprise!" yeah. this is awful, because i was just thinking i might have to bail on yoga. i have the worst headache all of a sudden. oh, but yoga is good for that, claire. for the meditation, for the mmm... yeah, yeah. it's just right now i wanna go lie down in a dark room and breathe. that sounds like yoga. i realize that. yes. but still, i should go. come on. i'm not gonna do the class by myself. okay, so let's go and get massages. or there's a nail salon there. ooh, i would love to do that some other time, i really would. but right now i need to get home and lie down. you understand, right? - of course. - okay. you go! and lie. (gasps) you're better! oh! barely. barely, yeah. i was just getting something cold for my back. gravy? well, if it can save your mom's turkey, it can save anything. i thought you were going to see your friend miranda. this one chickened out.

for someone who says he likes girls so much, he sure is afraid of them. it's a dance, luke. chicken dance. well, since you're back, what if i give you 20 bucks, and you guys... go wash my car? is that 20 bucks for each of us, or both of us? - both. - that's what i thought. (man laughs) uh-oh, check it out. ace is drooling over his plaque again. oh, i'm sorry. i didn't smell you idiots come in. listen, i've been thinking, maybe it's time we retire the name "ace." you mean the name you had printed on your golf cap? - and his robe. - you know, guys, about that-- remember how mad he got when i yanked that cap off his head and put it on? you got to earn that! yeah, yeah, well, i'm just glad one of those cheap hair plugs didn't get caught in it. hey, for the millionth time, they're not plugs. so what, your hair just came back when you turned 50? - unlike your wife. - hey, that was a blessing. otherwise, i wouldn't be taking out natalie hobbes tonight. taking her out or doing her taxes? (jay) so i'm trying to find a way to come clean

about the hole-in-one, when it occurs to me... why? one idiot lies about his sex life, the other dumbbell has a ferrari "in the shop" for years, and moron number three is a hollywood stunt car driver who gets sick when he rides backwards in the golf cart. so you ladies ready to tee off or what? - yeah, just gotta settle up our tab. - i took care of it. you said you were going to the restroom. ah! can't trust a word out of this guy's mouth. 20 years we've been falling for this. i'm sorry to interrupt, - but my dad never lied to you guys. - mitchell... no, he didn't even know until today - that he never made the hole-in-one. - okay. but the fact that he couldn't live with himself when he found out, and he raced down here to confess to you, that just shows the kind of man he is. he is a hole-in-one kind of man. you never got a hole-in-one? i didn't tell them. so this is the gang. introduce me. ahh. score! (blows air) it's not like me and miranda are perfectly suited.

for one thing, she likes bad boys. that's just not me. i'm gonna turn on some music. (hip-hop music playing) i'm sorry. i can't unlearn how to treat a lady. but where does that leave me? waiting till i'm 40 when she looks me up on facebook after a failed first marriage? okay. (starts engine) what are you doing? i'm sick of hearing you whine about miranda! it's time to make her notice you! but we can't! we got a full tank of gas, and she's right down the block. now buckle up! - are you crazy? - you tell me. (luke) whoo! whoo! (laughs) whoo! whoo!

ly" will be right back.

so, i've completed the examination. she did really well. what's the prognosis? we can fix most of her arm, but she'll never regain full mobility in her shoulder joint, because they don't make that part anymore. well, that's pretty good, right? i mean, she'll look exactly the same. no one will know. i'll know. um... i'm just saying i liked her the way she was. she was such a sweet little doll. i'm sorry, doc. i'm having trouble adjusting to all this. uh, dad, she's still a sweet little doll. no, she's broken. no, she's just changed a little. it happens. dolls grow up. well, actually-- uh, could you... yeah. sure. i actually have to go give a little girl some pretty bad news. so, haley... the thing is... fact-- haley's almost 18. fact-- i am the cool dad.

haley, i understand that sex is a part of life. i can't say that i'm thrilled to hear this, but i'm sure you're being safe, and i hope that you'll feel free to talk to me about this anytime. we should probably get beatrice, like, a cast or something, and we can all sign it. yeah? uh, yeah. sure. fact-- i blew it. this repair's probably gonna take a little while. why don't you run up to the food court and grab us a table? i'll get alex and lily. okay. do you want the counter or a booth? whatever seems right to you. i trust you. i have a cool dad. (sniffles) okay. your turn. unh-unh! no way! do you wanna get her attention or not?

♪ yeah ♪ unh ♪ yo ♪ ah, ah, ah ♪ yeah ♪ let's ♪ let's ride, gotta hit the street ♪ that was amazing! did you see the look on miranda's face? no. but you did good, thelma. please stop calling me that. i hate that movie. what movie? uh-oh! dead end! you gotta make a u-ey. i don't know how to do that. ♪ gotta hit the street ♪ we packin' heat she pretended to have a headache, cam. she doesn't want to spend time with me. (cameron) maybe she just wanted to be alone. why? because some people really value their privacy, and you have to respect that. (gasps) i have to go. (cell phone beeps)

hola, claire! gloria, you've gotta stop doing that! were you going back to the yoga class without me? no, that is not why i came back. i don't understand you. why you don't want to spend time with me? everybody wants to spend time with me! even the lady that did my nails wants to take me to pilates. i didn't come back here to do yoga. i don't do yoga. it's a cover, okay? look... i know that from the outside, it seems like i have everything together. no, not really. my point is that my life can be very stressful. and i have found a way to cope with that stress. and it's my little secret. and i'm not proud of it. hey, claire. see you inside. hey! is that what you do? no. no! okay. you're coming with me. come in. but listen to me. gloria... it has to stay between us. this is my sacred space. it's just such a great release.

thank you for not judging me. why would i? if anything, it makes me like you more. mm. so how often do you come here? not that often. - (taps) - hey. - maybe a little often. - that's so sad. i live with four teenagers. you live with two adults. - you have no idea... - no, no, no. it's so sad that you come here so often and that's the best that you can shoot. oh. (chuckles) and that's with pretty nails. but improper stance. - practice more. - okay. here you go, ace... i mean... what is your real name? jay. dad, i-- i told you, forget about it. all right. i-i just want you to know i get why you're upset, okay? that day you got the hole-in-one, it meant a lot to you. and... i... i marred it. but it meant a lot to me, too. we had a steak dinner, you gave me my first beer, and, uh... it was one of the greatest days we ever spent together. and it wasn't about some meaningless hole-in-one,

it was about us. no. it was about a hole-in-one. yes. yes. a little bit, maybe. but mostly, it was about how we bonded. i thought i hit a ball straight from the tee really, really far into a tiny hole. okay. well, when will i learn? and it wasn't your first beer, anyway. yes, it was, dad, but i wouldn't expect you to remember. it was your 14th birthday. you asked me for a sip of mine. your mom yelled at you in front of all your friends, said you were just a baby. you ran outside in tears... which, unfortunately, supported your mom's argument. anyway, i came out with a couple of beers. we drank 'em on the porch watching the storm clouds coming in. i had completely forgotten about that. you know, you're-- you're unbelievable. just when i peg you as some-- storm stevens! that's it! give me something. i'm gonna write it right here.

before i forget. "storm stevens." stevens. come on, lily. let's see if beatrice is ready. hey, dad? i know i'm way too old for this, but do you think i could get this doll? her name's genevieve, and she's developing a vaccine for... yes, you can get the doll. you can get as many dolls as you want. - it's $200. - or one is fine. i know you're here. hello. (chuckles) i have a bad feeling about this. what if one of your neighbors saw us? maybe we should just confess. we will... in 20 years. huh? you heard grandpa. there's a statute of limitations, which is a good thing because we still need to take lily down. nah, let her be the cute one. we don't need that anymore.

we're bad boys now. yeah. i like that. bad boys. (car door closes) your mom! - (both) aah! - (horn honks) (crash, clatter) oh, my god. cam! um, this had a lid?

i'll see you guys later. i'm going to abby's. bye, honey. have fun. have fun, you! with abby! we've confirmed abby's a real person and a female? yes, sweetie. we met her. honey, we can't treat haley differently just because we both know what we know about her. i know. i just need time. so dylan told you? why didn't he tell me? he and i used to share everything. you're upset about a lot of things. okay, i won't obsess over it. i just wanna ask you one thing. mm? how long have you known? three months. so this giant thing happened to our firstborn, and you kept me in the dark about it for three whole months? i'm sorry. i just wasn't sure how you'd-- okay. (whispers) thank you.