>> they're kicking our butts out there! >> come on, coach. we're still in it. we're only down 35-0. >> if we had fans, they'd boo us off the field. >> my mama's out there. >> where? >> oh, she's on the other side, with a bag over her head. >> yeah. david's mama is our biggest fan. what is she? like, 250, 300? >> don't get hurt, water boy. >> oh, please, dave. all i got to do is stand in the end zone. y'all never come in there. no, wait. just stop it. ow! [ whistle blowing ] >> get over there! oh, y'all can fight each other, but you can't fight the other team! y'all a pathetic team! the only team that i know that was worse was last year's team and the team before that and the team before -- >> yeah, yeah, right around the time you started coaching. coinky-dink? i think not. >> oh, oh! so you want to blame the coach?

fine! go ahead, blame me, 'cause i blame you! i'm not the one missing passes my niece could catch. >> yeah, david! >> or throwing two interceptions on one play? or stealing team ice and shoe strings. >> that video was blurry. you can't prove a thing. >> and defense. i mean, y'all are so bad, they need to call you escorts 'cause all you do is escort people into our end zone! i am embarrassed to be your coach! >> coach reggie! >> what?! oh, hey, cora. >> that's not the way you talk to these kids. >> kids?! >> yes. >> kids know how to play! they're losers! >> it's not whether you win or lose! >> it's how you play the game? >> yes. >> heh heh. nonsense! it's about...smashing faces! it's about breaking the other

team's will! it's about -- uhh! it's about winning! >> that's harsh. >> [ stammering ] if any football player in here thinks that we can't win, he can leave right now. >> i'm out. >> boy, you better sit down. >> this is not how you motivate people to win! >> look, my coach talked to me the same way, and look at me. >> yeah. two losing seasons. you're kind of proving the point, coach. >> i will snatch that mohawk off and make a goatee. now, cora, this is football, and you don't know nothing about this! >> well, i know these boys are looking sad and they need to believe in themselves. >> oh. oh. oh. are these -- are these boys... sad? huh? because the coach is nothing but a big, bad meanie? get out of here! >> reggie! >> all right, fine, cora. you know what?

obviously...you can do the job better than me. >> i-i didn't say that. >> oh, no, no, no. i don't know what i'm doing, so show me how it's done. >> well, i -- >> get up! >> well, m-most of you boys have been playing football since you could walk, right? um, um, why you start playing in the first place? >> 'cause it was fun. >> exactly! you don't lose that. you know, keep your chin up. team spirit. you get out there, and you have fun, and you play ball! and don't hurt nobody. >> yes! [ all cheering ] >> that's it! yes! go, team! go, team! >> [ mockingly ] "go, team. have fun." ha ha! right. ha ha ha! [ all cheering ] >> whoo! let's go. that's the way we play. yes! finally!

>> wow. i can't believe we won our first game. >> um, what do you mean, "we"? coach simmons. coach simmons. >> all: [ chanting ] coach simmons! coach simmons! coach simmons! coach simmons! coach simmons! coach simmons! [ all cheering ]

[ motor whirring ] [ whirring stops ] >> joaquin, aren't you supposed to be helping me? >> as soon as i finish this puzzle. >> oh, okay. [ motor whirring ] >> hey, what the -- [ whirring stops ] >> done. [ doorbell rings ] >> i wonder if this works on ugly. >> hey! >> h-e-l-l-o. hello. >> hey, simone. what are you listening to? >> my baby can spell. >> already? >> no. it's a program.

josh gave it to m-e. me. >> i think that's for infants. keep up the good work. >> are you two doing your chores? >> listening to simone is a chore. i'm o-u-t. out. >> hello, simone. [ chuckles ] how are you? >> well, i'm fat, cranky, tired, hungry, moody. >> i was just being polite. >> oh. well, i just came over here because it's always so quiet. [ glass breaks ] >> i didn't break the lamp next to brianna's diary! >> what?! >> but sasha might be interested in june 6th. >> joaquin! do something about joaquin! >> i will talk to him, brie. >> don't talk to him! beat him! >> while you're at it, can you talk to josh, too? >> your baby's father. >> yeah. >> hmm. and what's wrong with him? >> well, at first, he didn't

want to have anything to do with the baby, but now he's always at the house, and my mother has us practically married. >> sometimes when i feel overwhelmed, i like to get away so i can think. [ doorbell rings ] hold that thought. okay? >> hey, everybody. >> hi, josh. >> josh, what are you doing here?! >> simone, did you forget? your mom's taking us to get our family portraits. here. i brought your sweater. >> thanks. >> you better hurry up. she said afterwards, she's going to get us a crib. >> she's getting us a house?! >> no, a crib for the baby. >> the baby's getting a house? >> no, simone. it's for sleeping. oh, and afterwards, after the baby's born, she said i get to move in. isn't that great? come on. >> [ unenthused ] yay. help me. >> yes, yes, yes! get him! run! you better run. oh, look at him, juaquon. yes! now, that's how you -- hey, step on it.

look at him step on it, juaquon. touchdown! that's what i'm talking about. that's how you play the game right there. old school -- right there. >> mr. brown. >> hmm? >> can you teach me about football? >> oh, sure. yes. i'm gonna teach you how to be a running back. >> really? >> yes. here. take this $20. go to the store, get me some snacks, and come running back. >> that was so lame. thank goodness we're not related. >> if we were, you would have supersonic hearing. >> and that extra toe. [ knock on door ] >> extra pinkie toe. i'm coming. oh, alma and puff daddy. >> mr. brown, still as charming as ever. >> and alma, still the youngest grandmama on the block. >> have you seen simone? >> have you tried la-la land? >> alma, hey. oh, brie and simone aren't back yet. >> really?

she's going to be late. i signed them up for a parenting class. >> great. we've seen your work -- babies having babies. >> so, josh, are you ready to be a dad? >> to be honest, i was a little nervous at first. >> he loves the idea of he and simone being a real family, and i've made plans to take care of the baby while they're in school. isn't that right, josh? >> yes, ma'am. >> and they're gonna have a simple ceremony after graduation. right, josh? >> yes, ma'am. >> and simone's okay with all this? >> are you kidding? that's all she talks about. isn't that right, josh? >> well, actually, when we first -- >> well, of course it is. >> i just got a text from simone. she ran away! >> what do you mean, she ran away? >> she texted me, "on a bus. leaving town. trapped. got to think." >> wait. let me see this. oh, my gosh. >> what? >> she spelled "leaving" right. >> i know. good girl. >> i know. >> leaving? where would she get an idea like that? >> "my baby can spell"? >> no, i meant where would she

get the idea to run away? >> she must have misunderstood what i said. >> you? what did you say? >> [ sighs ] i was trying to give her advice, and when i talked to her -- >> you told a pregnant 16-year-old to run away? >> that's not what i'm saying! >> then what are you saying?! >> simone felt like you two were smothering her. >> wait. what did i do? >> boy, you got her pregnant. that's what you do. >> you do whatever mrs. taylor wants. >> what i want is what's best for my daughter. >> why don't you two try to call her, okay? alma, listen, i -- outside. >> [ whispers indistinctly ] >> alma, i know exactly how you feel, okay? >> don't tell me how i feel. your daughter is home. my pregnant daughter is on a bus to who knows where, thanks to you. >> well, maybe you should have

listened to what she wanted. >> simone doesn't know what she wants. she's a teenager. >> did you ask her? >> look, i don't need you to tell me how to raise my daughter. >> alma, that's not what i am trying to do. i'm not trying to tell you how to raise your daughter. i was trying to help. >> well, stop. you've already made things worse. >> ohh! >> come on, josh. windows touch laptops withers intel inside on layaway. here's what they say. i do love the touchscreen. i find it much easier to use. this is so much faster than my old computer. i like that you can personalize it - that you can have the things that you like. it's an awesome price for what i am getting. i love the price and i love the layaway plan. free layaway is amazing! i want to take it home! (laughing) walmart has top brands of windows touchscreen computers powered by intel -- and you can put them on layaway today free with no opening fee.

get jacobs on the horn and schedule a meeting pronto. [ alarm blares ] order lunch. something fast, smith. it's jones, ma'am. yeah, look, we'll leverage the synergy on both sides. hi, jimmy john's? yeah, no, look, the boys -- jimmy john's. yep. sky's the limit on this one. make sure the silverman file is on my desk a.s.a.p. did you order lunch? yeah. it's waiting for you. better be, smith. still jones, ma'am. can't wait on this. time is money. [ bell chimes ] jimmy john's. [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online now! nice job, jones.

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>> all right, you guys. come on. milo, count down. >> all right, guys, come on. come on. all right. you ready? 5, 6, 7, 8! >> all: ♪ rah, rah, ree ♪ kick 'em in the knee ♪ rah, rah, ras ♪ kick 'em in the -- >> oh! >> all: ♪ other knee ♪ go, gators ♪ jazz hands >> yeah! oh, you boys are great! the best! >> what the what?! >> what the sugar pie, honey bunch is going on in here? >> we're dancing, coach. >> boy, i can see that, but why? >> 'cause miss simmons told us to. >> excuse me. >> you ain't even on the team. >> that's 'cause y'all never danced before. tea? >> don't nobody want none of that sweet stuff. cora, you're gonna get these boys killed, and their mamas are gonna come jumping on you. >> they are not. >> yes, they are. >> i've been watching football movies all night, and one thing they all had in common was a cool dance number. "wildcats," "remember the titans," "a league of their own." >> uh, cora, you do realize that that's a woman's baseball movie?

>> yes, and they had a cool dance, too. >> cora, what about the game plan? >> you're looking at it, coach! >> this? >> nate, dave, front and center! show 'em what else you learned, boys. >> all right! all right! now, this is more like it. i want you to take him and drive him back through the wall! you knock his head off! kill him! do something to him! >> mr. brown! down, set, hut! >> [ chuckling ] >> what the heck is this?! [ whistle blows ] >> flag! illegal emotions. yellow team, 15 yards. >> oh, my -- is my quarterback ironing?! >> there's no ironing in football! >> [ gasping ] >> football is too violent. i suggest that we hug our opponents and make friends, and when we need to score, they'll let us whenever we need to. >> what? >> they're trying to get touchdowns, not a date!

>> cora. whew. cora jean, come here. >> what? >> cora, cora, cora, cora. >> what is it? >> cora, i thought i'd never say this, but i'm embarrassed to be your daddy! >> what? >> 'cause this is embarrassing! >> boys, what did you tell her about the plays? >> besides the fact they don't work? kind of like her intentions. >> he's -- he's got tea -- >> i love to dance! that's what i'm talking 'bout. here we go. >> get out of here. >> aah! >> y'all can't be serious. >> yes, we're serious. >> no, you can't be serious! >> we are serious, mr. brown. these boys have been writing essays about themselves. >> essays?! >> yes. essays. did you know that nate here loves to cook? >> get somewhere and sit down. >> and right here. ronnie. ronnie loves to draw. >> what about ricky, bobby, and mike? and don't forget johnny. [ clears throat loudly ] >> and -- and i can blow a bubble with my spit. y'all want to see it? >> no! >> i don't want to see that. sit down somewhere! with lips like them, i bet you

can blow up a hot-air balloon. >> miss simmons -- coach -- can i talk to you for a second? >> oh, sure. mr. brown, can you do some drills with the boys? >> oh, i thought you'd never ask. get over here, everybody! get over here now! get down on the ground and give me a thousand push-ups in one minute. >> cora -- coach -- i know you mean well, but you're gonna get these boys slaughtered. >> they're already getting slaughtered. i'm just trying to teach them to respect each other. >> 20-teen. >> respecting each other is fine, but you need to teach them how to knock the respect out of those tigers. >> chill-ax. i learned it from the boys. that's a combination between relaxing and chillin'. chill-ax. they'll be all right. >> you better get -- give me 20 more! hurry up! >> i'm just a water boy! >> so, why did you stop in augusta? >> that's as far as $33 would take me. >> well, i'm just glad you're home. >> and so are we. >> simone, your mom's on her way.

>> how long would it take me to walk back to augusta? >> you know you're gonna have to face her eventually. >> but i don't. peace. >> you both do. >> why talk? she never listens. [ doorbell rings ] >> honey, listen. the best thing you can do is tell her how you feel. be honest. it's not so hard. >> oh, simone, thank goodness you're all right. >> ms. taylor, there's something we need to talk to you about. >> oh! come on, let's get you home. >> ms. taylor, there's something we need -- >> and you're so lucky to have someone like josh to take care of you for the rest of your life. >> alma, there's something they both want to tell you. >> sasha -- >> mom! josh and i like each other, but what if we don't end up together? >> that's ridiculous, right, josh? >> yes, ma'am. >> ahem. >> uh, no, ma'am. look, i want to be a good father, but i also want to finish high school, go to college, and become an engineer. >> and so do i.

well, not the engineer or the father part. we're not ready to settle down and be a family. we may never be. >> you don't want to raise a child alone like i did. >> she won't. i'll be there. >> me too. >> and so will i. >> so you all think i'm wrong for wanting the best for my daughter? >> i'm not saying that! but i need to have a say in what's best for me, too, if that's okay with you. >> so you're saying you want me out of your life. >> mom, no! why do you always do this? i want you in my life. i just don't want you to control it. >> fine. would it be too controlling...if i asked you to give me a hug?

oh, pumpkin, all you had to do was tell me what you wanted, and i could have very easily set up a -- >> listening. >> got it. why don't we get you home or wherever you guys would like to go? >> i want to go to i-h-o-p -- waffle house. >> [ sighs ] >> come on. >> and, sasha... about what i said the other day, i realize that you... >> alma, that's okay. >> but i may have crossed the line a little bit. i wanted to make sure that i wasn't accusing you of meddling in other people's -- >> alma. >> listening. got it. >> you got it. >> and i'm gone. >> both: mwah. >> toodles. >> okay, people. [ school bell rings ] >> cora, you're not serious. you got to be kidding. in the locker room? potpourri? >> all right, boys, it's inspection time.

all right. we're looking good, looking good. i hope everybody has on clean underwear. dennis, did you take your allergy medicine? all right. >> [ sneezes ] >> here. all right. milo, did you put some lotion on those elbows? >> yes, coach simmons. >> david, did you put on some deodorant? >> no, coach simmons, not since the fourth grade. >> uh, here. freshen up. >> very funny. yes, i do. >> my boys are so neat and so clean. >> cora, can i make a suggestion? >> sure. >> how about if we take these boys out for pizza right now while they still got teeth in their mouth?! you're about to get these boys murdered. >> hey, david, i need you to show that tigers running back that you're here. don't you back down. >> all right, listen up! remember, a penalty is not a penalty unless you get caught,

so you can just take them like this, catch through his helmet and everything, and then gouge it right there. >> why are you two trying to corrupt these boys? >> what?! we're just trying to get these boys ready. >> these boys are ready. i got this! my boys are ready and so neat, so fresh, and so clean. my boys know they can win! they believe in themselves! last week, they walked out onto that field all glum and defeated like their mamas didn't love them! >> according to coach reggie's pre-game pep talk, they don't. >> boys, i need you to forget everything negative you ever heard... [ whistle blows ] >> cora, that's loud! >> ...and replace it with something positive. now i want you to go out there, and i want you to get all stirred up about this game! >> yes! >> and i want you to have fun! >> yes! >> and i want you to think touchdown! >> all: touchdown! >> touchdown! >> all: touchdown! >> we want 'em to win! [ all cheering ] >> both: they're gonna get killed. when our little girl was born,

we got a subaru. it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru

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like new mezzaluna ravioli. go for dinner tonight, and take home a second entree. buy one, take one, just $12.99. go olive garden. and try our unlimited homemade soup, crisp salad, and warm breadsticks lunch just $6.99. >> that wasn't fun. >> we tried. it's -- it's okay. anybody hurt? >> just my pride. >> cora, i got to admit,

big brother was right. you and this coaching thing ain't gonna work out, cora. oh, never mind. you know, it's your thang. do what you want to do. >> hey, you okay? >> my coaching days are over. go ahead and gloat. >> oh, come on, now. i'm not gonna gloat. maybe a little. [ laughs ] hey, cora, why did you think it was a good idea to hide the football from the other team all the time? >> why is that illegal every time? >> because it's the rules. >> oh! >> hey, cora, it's football. now, it's a combination of toughness... >> ow! >> ...and working together as a team...and also respecting each other. i know i can do a better job at that. >> oh, so you did learn a little something. >> yes. thank you. >> ah! >> [ chuckles ] hey, say, cora, you know, i

still could use a good assistant coach. >> really? even after all that? >> yeah. >> wow. >> brown, you got the job. >> oh, yes. all right, everybody! get up! i know y'all just played. we're gonna break it down on 3. 1, 2, 3, break down! wah! 1, 2, 3, break down! wah! now give me 20.

ah, there he is. there's my boy. morning, arthur. you want some, uh, pancakes? no, no, no. i just want to sit here and drink you in. all right. arthur. don't mind me. eat, eat. i can't eat when you're drinking me. i'm sorry. i'm just so damn proud of you. a working joe, on strike, bringing the capitalist bosses to their knees. i admire you so much right now, it's actually bordering on lust. ok, i guess i'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. hiya, boys. whoa! what are we serving up here? what we're serving, my lady,

is a pretty close replica of ihop's famous rooty tooty fresh and fruity pancakes, which i made especially for you and me. oh, i gotta get to work. you go, girl. heh! so, what are you gonna do today? well, let's see, i got my mah-jongg at 11:00. and of course, i've got my stories. doug, come on. i'm serious. you gonna be ok? huh! yeah! why wouldn't i be ok? well, you know, not-- not being able to go to work for so long is bound to, you know, put you a little off your game. excuse me. way on my game! i've got a lot of things to do today, carrie. yeah? like what? household repairs. like this knob, for instance. remember, you, uh, you said it was loose. i did? oh! when we were first looking at the house. right, yeah. well, today it happens-- that and a lot more other stuff-- so you just run along, all right? all right, giddyap! watcha! go!

[whirring] [whir] hey, dad. we're all tied up. really?! come on. oh! that's a lot of water up there. ♪ go. go.

that's a nice shot. [ laughs ] yes! breakfast. [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. they're grreat! [ female announcer ] now with kellogg's family rewards, you can get even more from the products you love. join today at kfr.com. all the natural energy frfound in peanuts?ou love. caramel works. payday. crunchy, roasted peanuts and soft, delicious caramel come together to give you sweet energy. payday. fill up and go. woman on tv: you know, i have never been very good at being a solitary woman. until recently, my entire existence was defined by the man in my life. and when i wanted to bring more-- [doorbell rings] into our relationship by having another baby, and so that drove us apart-- [doorbell rings]

mr. heffernan? that's me. heh heh! actually, i work at i.p.s. we're on strike at the moment, but i'm sure you heard about that. right. sign here, please. whoa! 560 dicad board. sweet! i'm still working off a 520. can you believe that? this baby must be like greased lightning, huh? could you just sign it, please? oh, yeah. let me give you some advice. cherish every moment you have on that truck. 'cause believe me, it can all just go away like that. guy, i got a lot of deliveries. oh, yeah, i'm sorry. [truck starts up] [telephone ringing]

mr. grossman's office. man: did you find the book you wanted? what? who-- who is this? look to your left. actually, y-your right. surprise! hey, what are you doing here? nothing. just thought i'd, uh, you know, come down, see what you're doing for lunch. it's 10 a.m. yeah. when they say, "express train," they--they really mean it. heh! but, uh, how about brunch? oh, honey, i would love to, but i have all this extra work i have to do for pruzan. all right, well, then, uh-- say hello to my heinie, 'cause i'm out of here! no, no, no, no! honey, maybe i can, uh, sneak away for a quick cup of coffee. no! no, no! hey, look, you're busy. that's cool. you do your thang, 'cause it'll give me a chance to do my thangs! heh heh heh! all right, bye, then! a-are you sure, honey, it's ok? i'm positive. it's all good! grr!

hey! whoa! doug!? what are you doing back here? look what i have. you came back here to show me a pinkie ball? and have a catch. come on! doug, would you-- what the hell are you doing? nothing! i just thought i'd break up a very busy day by visiting my wife. excuse me for living! come here for a sec. where we going? what, we going to the park? no, not the park. doug, you don't have to put this act on for me. act? what act? this whole "i'm so happy" act. look, you've been out of work for a couple of weeks. it-it's--it's normal for you to feel a little lost... powerless... a little emasculated. what are you talking about?

well, all right. uh, for instance, what happened last night? ahem! what happened last night? when you couldn't... when i couldn't... oh! i wasn't trying to do anything! i--i was climbing over you for a tissue. [laughing] you thought i was--oh, my-- that's funny! that's funny! ok, look. you don't have to overcompensate. just talk to me. i'm not overcompensating, you know. i'm compensating just the right amount! you know, i came down here for a catch, a simple catch. apparently, there's no catch. i'll see you at home. good-bye. walk away, carrie.

excuse me. i'm, uh, looking for my sister... stephanie heffernan. she-she's a gym teacher here. wh-where would i find her? a gym teacher? yeah. try the gym. thanks. moron. all right, ladies, listen up. listen up. we're gonna play ultimate dodge ball. 4 teams, 4 balls. ok, captains... kaplan, baylog, maggan, spreckman. in a minute, we're gonna chose up sides and pick a quadrant for home base. psst! [whispering] what? can i talk to you? yeah, in a minute, just a minute. now, here's how we play the game, guys. all right, uh, now, if your team captures a player, that player then plays for that team and so on and so forth. now, the game is over when one team captures all the players or when somebody gets seriously hurt. kidding! all right, now, uh, as i said, no grabbing, no pushing, or tripping.

if i see anybody doing that, you'll be removed from the game immediately. all right, ladies, choose your sides. the game begins on my whistle. all right? what are you doing here? i just thought i'd pop in, just feeling-- hey, somebody has to pick lenka! sorry. what? nothing. it's just that the strike's got me feeling-- she is not retarded! ugh! i'm sorry, you're feeling what? i just-- i--i don't know, maybe-- a--a little, uh, emasculated. right! emasculated? heh! like impotent? no, shut up, no! shut up! what? tell me. tell me. i just--i--i guess the strike's got me feeling crappy, that's all. it's natural. you're used to going to work in the morning. you've been working steady since you were what? 29. well, why don't you get a part-time job or something?

doing what? girl: ow! it's ok! walk it off, ferraro. walk it off. you know, they're always looking for substitute teachers here. yeah, i'm gonna teach. ok, yeah, that's good. no, it's easy. any idiot can be a substitute. don't you need, like, a college degree or something? oh, yeah. heh! you dropped out of college, didn't you? junior college, and yes. yeah, it's all right. you know, they are so hard up here for subs, they never check. really? i mean, i--i don't know, maybe it could work. right? i--i am good with kids. you don't need to be. just give them an assignment and read the newspaper. i love the newspaper! all right, get me in, steph! this is great, yeah! served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich comes with fries and your choice of soup or salad. it's just one of chili's delicious lunch break combos. more life happens here. makes everything more exciting. like the four amazing new colors of pillsbury funfetti

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carrie: so let me get this straight. you are gonna teach kids. yeah. what are you gonna teach them? package delivery? noshing? [mock laughter] shut it! i can't believe you, carrie. i mean, you're going on and on all week long--

"ooh! oh, doug, you're overcompensating! "you're emasculated! "you're a limp little nancy boy who can't satisfy a woman!" i never said that! a little thing called body language. the point is i--i finally found something that's gonna make me feel useful, a-and you crap all over it. all right, you know what? you're right. i--i shouldn't have reacted like that. i-i'm sorry. but teaching? yes, teaching! is this because i wouldn't have a catch with you? ok, you know what? obviously, you don't get what i'm into right now. so why don't you go back to your little work? i've got a lesson plan to review. douglas, i couldn't help overhearing. you're going to mold young minds, eh? yup. joined the teacher's union, have you? heh! no! what? you pass yourself off as a good union man, and then you turn around and scab? i would slap you right across your face if i didn't think you would, in turn, floor me.

arthur, i'm not taking anybody's job. i'm a substitute teacher. i'm just filling in while another teacher's out sick. whatever helps you sleep at night, you douche. [welcome back, kotter theme playing] you have a hall pass, boys? all right, move it along. move it along. [slurping] morning, everyone! morning. hi, i'm doug heffernan. how you doing? i'm doug.

taking over for mr. briley, teaching his class. ahem. ed-u-ca-shion! all right, i guess i'll just, uh, plunk down here until second period. hey, you mind if i-- all right. i'll bring 2 packs tomorrow. mm! that's a good smoke right there. good smoke. whoo! teaching the kids. shaping their futures, that's what we're doing. really, you think about it, they're--they're the clay, you know. we're the sculptor. it's our job to mold 'em. mold 'em! heh heh! just don't mold them too much. you get in trouble for that! because the mind is a terrible thing to waste-- will you shut up? yes, i will.

[bell rings] [students chattering] good morning, class. good morning. could everybody please find a seat? find a seat, thank you very much. ok, everybody find a seat. well, good morning. i am mr... heffernan. ok? alrighty. so, uh, if you feel comfortable enough with me, you can call me mr. h. [stapler goes off] ok, uh, well, mr. briley has left an assignment for you. uh, in your textbooks... "america: from colony to country, a dream realized." he wants you guys to, uh, read chapters 3 and 4 about the first continental congress and summarize.

now, if there are no questions, everybody can please begin. heh heh! ahem! uh, yes, boy raising his hand? we did that assignment yesterday. y-you did? yeah. uh... mr. briley has it down here for today. well, we did it. i mean, you can test us on it if you want to. uh, no, that, uh, that won't be necessary. ok. so what do we do? um...ok, got it! uh-- everybody break up into pairs. find a buddy. find a buddy, everybody. and do what? i'm gonna need you to raise your hand. yes? and do what? um... re-read chapters chapters 3 and 4-- this time, together, alternating. are you even a real teacher? hand. yes? are you even a real teacher?

yes, i'm-- i'm mr. heffernan. yes? where did you go to school? i, uh, attended, uh, the nassau community college of teaching arts and substitution. [coughs] fat ass! w-what was that? ahem! o-ok, you know what, kids? i think we all need a time-out. ok, everybody, heads on desk. why don't we put our heads on the desk? everybody, heads-- you know what? fine. you don't have to do it, but you're only hurting yourselves. i don't know. maybe i should change my teaching method. maybe the key is to-- to reach out to these kids, you know, get your hands dirty, let them know you care. will you stop playing with the cones? they're in intervals. oops. look, doug, relax. you're a sub.

your only job is to make sure that nobody kills anybody, and even if they do, not your baggage. well, you know, i don't accept that. this is my job now. i gotta get through to these kids. stephanie: whatever! [hand bell ringing] hear ye, hear ye! all right. the first continental congress is now in session. ok. well, now that i have your attention, let's see what we can learn about the fathers of our country, huh? ok, you just got yourself a zero for the day, mister! you can't give us zeros. oh, no? i can't? well, now you got 2! you wanna try for 3? 'cause i'll give you 3! what a clown! oh, i'm a clown? well, laugh at this! you just earned yourself a week's suspension! what?! good-bye! no, you can't-- good day, sir! you don't have the power to suspend anybody.

and you certainly don't have the power to leave anyone back a grade. i now know that for next time. stephanie... didn't you vouch for his qualifications? yes, and i was misled. i apologize. [telephone rings] excuse me. you are such an idiot. shut up! you shut up! you shut up! ow! ow! [imitates farting] [students laughing] hey, later! ah, there he is. mr. chips. you know what, arthur? last thing i need now is a fat joke.

mr. chips is a fictional teacher. your ignorance is appalling. so, how was school today? i was expelled. oh, i'm sorry. eh! on the upside, i know where there's a great make-out party on saturday night. damn it! i wish this stupid strike would end. all i wanna do is just get up in the morning, put on my shorts, and feel like a man again. the strike will end soon, honey. you just gotta hang in there. it's just not easy. i know, but that's why i've been trying to tell you, doug, you have to talk to me when you're-- when you're feeling bad. i mean, i'm here for you. i know. it's just-- it's hard to talk to you about stuff like this. i'm your wife! exactly! you're my wife, and i want to be strong for you. i-- i wanna bring home a paycheck to you. i wanna open jars for you. i wanna lift a car off of you. all right, you had me until the car thing. you know what i mean. i do. i do. and you are all those things to me, you know?

i--i love you. i feel so safe with you. you do? yes! not because you're a big guy or you--you have a job, but... because of the person you are. you're a man. you're a strong, virile man. what is that? powder? yes, i was-- i was wearing a wig today. ah! as long as we're talking, i wanna tell you that, uh... the other night, i-- i wasn't reaching for a tissue. i know. i know you know. i just wanted to be a man and own up to it. well, that's good. so, do you wanna-- you wanna go upstairs and give it another try? y-you mean right now? before the strike's over? well, yeah, but only if you want to. a-all right, all right. ok, let's go! all right! heh heh! mmm!

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