has a -- i'm in. okay, well, alex has a cello lesson at 11:00, and junior congress at noon? doesn't she also have no boys at forever? don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to? yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20. oh, actually, that's no good. i'm meeting my friend denise for a drink. denise? do i know denise? yeah, you know, my old girlfriend. haley: oh, my god. gross. i can't even picture you with a woman. thank you. you had a girlfriend before mom? try two. trust me. i had plenty of fun in my time. and then i met your mom. and thank you. so, uh, i guess she travels around selling makeup for a cosmetics company. she's in town for a week. you mean she's like a door-to-door salesman? if you were doing it, they'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman. phil: ohh!

my boy strikes like a rattlesnake! oh, yeah? well -- well, you... wow. all right, well, we can see the movie tomorrow. come on. it's time for your lesson. you mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled. what's wrong with me today? shake it off, champ. it's not your day. [ smooches ] manny: hey. ay. good morning, papi. is it? aw, you're still sad because of that audition. that part was mine. i was born to play tevye. instead they give it to rod jackson? what does he know from suffering? how we doing? a little better, but we're gonna go and throw ice cream at the problem. well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick. "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." we can hang this in your room. you can see it every morning, start to internalize it. pretty soon, nothing will keep you down. but it's not true. what are you talking about? lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker. my friend's grandfather had a heart attack. now he needs a machine to breathe. i've seen him at the supermarket. now he needs to drive one of those little, like...

[ imitates engine ] yeah, that's right. be negative. it's just not a good poster, jay. you're only making me stronger. did you pack the, uh, bread for the ducks? yes. not the whole-wheat kind. the ducks don't like that. they're ducks, mitchell. they don't care. [ cellphone rings ] wait. oh, it's the office. don't answer it. i have to. it's like this every saturday. just ignore it. well, maybe it's not that this time. hello? [ groans ] yeah. [ clears throat ] that's nice. [ electricity crackles ] holy... shel? you all right, buddy? oh, hell.

cameron: oh, there's four of them, mitchell! they're giving her little duck kisses, and she -- oh, she's laughing! i can't believe you're missing this. well, why not, cam? i've missed everything else. she rolled over when i was in phoenix. she started scooting when i was in court. well, just tell them you're not coming in. you do enough for them. well, you know that, i know that, you know? the only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss. he's the suckiest suck of all time. he's a miserable son of a bitch who... may have heard everything i just said.

hi, honey. hey. when are you getting together with your gal pal? actually, i was just checking on that. she's supposed to send me a message. ohh. you're facebook friends. sure am. oh... she's one of my 447 friends. everybody wants a slice. how long have you two been in touch with each other? uh, she tracked me down about a year ago. mm. mm, mm. what? what's -- what's that sound? mm. nothing. [ beep ]

oh. there she is right now. [ clears throat ] "how about we meet at le reve at 7:30?" well, that sounds innocent enough. i mean, drinks with an ex-girlfriend at an intimate french restaurant. honey, you're doing that thing where you say what i want you to say but your tone seems mean. let me guess -- denise isn't married. recently divorced. what's the big deal? come on, phil. you can't be that naive. seriously, women in their 30s on the internet are like -- they're like ninjas. they get in their little black outfits and try and sneak their way into your marriage. that's not denise. mm. here, read some of her messages. [ chuckling ] you're gonna feel silly. go ahead. [ sultry voice ] "hey, phil. how's it goin'?" you can't add the sexy voice. "hi, phil. how's it going?" "so glad to hear your neck is better." are you seriously jealous? [ normal voice ] no! i am not jealous at all. i just happen to know women better than you do, and that woman wants a slice. okay, just to prove how wrong you are, i'm gonna invite her over here for drinks. fine with me.

just hope it's fine with denise. [ sultry voice ] "gee, phil. i really had my heart set on le reve." that voice doesn't bother me. kind of like it! cameron: well, has he been acting weird around you? no, no. i've been avoiding him all morning. so you don't even know if he heard you. well, that's why we're doing this. hey, where are you? i only have a half-hour for lunch. hello, handsome. okay, so, uh, this is where it happened. just, um, turn off the phone, roll down the window, and we'll see if you can hear me. [ car horn honks ] go around! we're re-creating a faux pas! cameron: thank you! okay. c-can you hear me now? uh, yeah, but just barely. is this how loud you were talking? uh, well, it might have been a little bit louder. there was traffic. i mean, i almost had to shout. you almost had to what? shout. little bit louder now. shout! little bit louder now. shout!! ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey [ laughs ] really, cam? my job is at stake here and -- oh, w-who are we kidding? you can obviously hear me. i am so screwed. jay: manny? manny, come here a second, pal. huh?

i got some bad news, buddy. what is it? well, there's no easy way to say this. shel turtlestein is dead. what? how? i was down here reading the paper, and i heard this commotion up in your room, so... so naturally i go running up there. and this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen. he must have scampered up to where shel was. by the time i walked in, he had him -- the little bastard had him by the neck, shaking him. gravel's flying everywhere. he didn't even flinch. he just stared at me with that smug look and then bolted. if only i'd have got here earlier. may i see the body? baby, are you sure that's a good idea? it's something i have to do. that's him. sorry, pal. it just doesn't make any sense. yep. only the good die young. but in school we learned raccoons are nocturnal. they sleep during the day. they sure do, and this one must've got up for a midnight snack. you know, we've all done that.

i guess so. yeah. it all adds up. i don't think. too many memories. he'll be okay. you lie. what? i'm colombian. i know a fake crime scene when i see one! i was hanging up the new poster. and it fell on top of him. it was an accident. you have to tell him. no. i've been through this before. when mitchell was 9, i was supposed to take care of his bird. it got out and flew into a fan. it was like a bloody pillow fight. my god. how many pets have you killed? just the two. i took the heat on the bird. it was a big mistake. to this day, mitchell looks at me, i see him thinking, "that's the guy who killed fly-za minnelli." and what if he finds out? then what? you'll be the guy that killed his pet and lied to him. he's not gonna find out, because i covered my tracks. okay. fly-za minnelli? how did i not know that kid was gay? hey, luke! big day for you, huh? why?

because you get to meet your real mom. what? we all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21, but that's the real reason dad's old girlfriend is coming over. she's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her. i'm not adopted. i'm asking mom. you mean mrs. dunphy? she's not going to tell you the truth. i-i-i'm not... i know. unh! just 'cause he called you a dork-to-dork salesman? the empire strikes back. raccoons have five toes. what's that? i don't mean to bother you. it's just confusing. the footprints in my room only have four toes. you know, i bet i know what happened. i'll bet he lost those toes in a fight. one toe from each foot? maybe. y-you know, manny, i think the only thing that's gonna get you to stop asking all these questions is for you to have a little closure. what do you mean? well, i'd like to throw a little memorial for shel.

it'll be good for all of us. that way, we get our grief out, and then we never have to talk about this ever... ever again. [ giggling ] hi! oh, careful, there's a thing. ooh. that's a... [ giggling ] good to see you. hi! hi! oh, my gosh! hi, i'm claire. you must be d-- o-kay. whoa. okay. denise. oh, and you're even prettier than the pictures that phil's always posting. just a couple. shut up. every week. he loves showing you off. my boyfriend likes your acapulco pictures probably a little too much. [ chuckles ] well, thank your boyfriend for me. sure. come on in. please. oh, i brought you, um, some lifting intensifier. not that you need it. it's a limited edition, so... thank you. thank you. phil: oh, denise, i think you might know these people. that's haley... hi. ...alex, and -- luke! ohh! i had curly hair just like that when i was little. so? that doesn't mean anything!

[ luke groans ] why don't we, uh, come on in, have a seat? please. so, what was my dad like in high school? only the most amazing breakdancer ever. uh-oh. don't fire it up. what? what? uh-oh. oh, no. yeah. he had a boombox and a piece of cardboard in his locker. and what was your dance name? o-zone. yeah. i drove him to a "star search" audition. which is totally political, by the way. o-zone. that is dead-ass funny. i'm so calling you that. thank you. wow. you really lucked out. you have a beautiful wife... ohh. ...a gorgeous house, and those kids. i could take luke home with me. well, be my guest. seriously. you go right ahead. [ laughter ] no! i like it here! unh! alex, honey, will you go find out what's wrong with your brother? okay. you know, um, if it's okay, i think i'm just gonna use the, um... oh, yeah, of course. down the hall, left-hand side. you can't miss it.

denise: thanks. okay, she's fantastic. yes? yes. i feel awful. when did i become this horribly cynical person who assumes the worst about people? i first noticed it seven years -- you're not. denise: i'm such an idiot. is it... oh, i'll show you. yeah, yeah, yeah. okay. thanks. [ clears throat ] [ sighs ] so, how are we gonna do this? i-i thought i'd just point at the door, so i was thinking, like -- i was thinking, too. here... is my hotel-room key. you can come by whenever you want. [ door closes ]

...will be right back.

that was funny this morning, huh, when i -- when i pulled up next to you at that stoplight? funny? yeah. because i was on the phone with my partner, talking about how horrible his boss was -- his. and then, uh, you pull up, so... anyway, i'm glad i ran into you. i'm getting worried they're gonna move up our court date. i need you to bust ass preparing. [ cellphone beeps ] because if they call us on monday -- [ cellphone beeps ] uh, you need to get that? no, no, it's -- it's fine. i just, uh... picture of my daughter standing for the first time. yeah, they do that. it's a big day. anyway, i need you here tomorrow. now, i know it's a sunday, but, uh, you think you can be on time, okay? actually, um... i-i have plans tomorrow. uh, so i won't be here. i-i have plans to stay at home with my family

and do absolutely nothing, okay. but i will see you on monday. mm-hmm. so -- so you're in charge now, is that it? well, i-i just figure if my daughter can stand up, then so can i. we've all been working hard lately, okay? but that's the job. so either come in tomorrow, or don't bother coming back again. okay. [ scoffs ] hmm. "turtle. reptile. pet. shel turtlestein was many things." i don't think i can do this without crying. maybe we should just get to the cold cuts. but we want to hear it. jay, why don't you read it? you were with him at the end. remember? [ paper rustles ] "shel turtlestein was many things,

"but above all, he was my friend. "when i didn't get a date with fiona gunderson, "shel was there. "when i didn't get to play the part of tevye, "shel was there. "and when a raccoon broke into my room, "unfortunately, shel was there. "i said a lot of things to my friend, "but the one thing i never got to say was... goodbye." manny: stop! i know what really happened. you do? i left a bag of chips near my bed. the raccoon must have smelled it. it's my fault he's dead. [ voice breaking ] sorry, shel. jay, you don't have anything to say to manny? [ sighs ] yeah. manny... shel forgives you. thank you. claire: oh, denise. ha! these pictures are amazing. thank you. wow. sweetie, that perm. technically, it's a jheri curl. ohh.

i just love to take pictures. i took this one of myself today. you know what? i'm gonna open a bottle of wine. no. no. that's the worst idea. no. no. oh! what am i, raised by a pack of wolves? hey, come on, now. honey... you weren't completely wrong about denise. how's that? she wants me. to do what? it. her. oh. oh, this is because of the thing i said about facebook and that everybody's hooking up, and now you're disappointed. no. she bit the air right in front of me! like that. and then look what she tried to give me. denise: anything i can help with? no, i just -- i can't find my corkscrew. denise: ohh. touch me. o-kay. denise, i think, somewhere along the line, you got the wrong idea. my head is full of wrong ideas. you have such great taste, claire. thank you. i remember phil used to have really good taste, too. get a little bit of this. oh, here it is. phil, would you mind grabbing us a couple glasses? you betcha.

need me to grab anything? nope! okay, this is so wrong. i know. it's way more exciting when she's in the room. no! i still have my cheerleader outfit. so do i, but this still can't happen. when did that break? why are you wussing out?! i never wussed in! what about all those things you wrote on facebook? [ sultry voice ] "how was your day? my neck is so sore." why do people keep adding voices to these things? i didn't mean anything. [ normal voice ] are you telling me that i wasted a year of my life on this relationship? what relationship? how many other women have you led on? now i don't know! claire: phil? phil, honey? do you remember when you broke your arm when we were first dating? yeah, uh, when i slipped on the ice. right. that's so weird. because in this picture, you're sitting with denise, and you have a broken arm, so... yeah. that's -- that's weird. so you were still dating her when you started dating me? no. phil? yeah. maybe. just, there was a time -- a little overlap when, uh,

i was trying to break things off with denise. uh-huh. you took me to santa fe! santa fe. phil, you told me that was your father. okay, i know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old. you know, this was a mistake. i'm gonna leave. claire, if i were you, i would kick him out. maybe he'd appreciate you more after he spent a lonely night in a hotel. at the radisson. by the airport. [ door opens, closes ] you quit?! mm-hmm. mm-hmm. it was amazing. no, no, this is the new me, cam. i am not letting people run my life anymore. i should be nervous, but i'm -- i'm not. i'm excited for you. yes! it's exciting. it's exciting. because you followed your heart, and that is worth celebrating. cam, i just feel -- ha-ha! -- so liberated. hey! and i'm not picking it up. ooh! i like this guy! i do, too. i mean, y-yes, we'll have to -- we'll have to cut back a little bit. but isn't it worth it if you feel like you're living your life for the first time? totally. oh. what were we even waiting for? you will go back to teaching music, and then i'll -- i'll just find something in a few months.

and until then, all we need to do is just sit back and watch this little miracle here dazzle us. i'm tingling. i am, too. it's like my heart is full for the first time in forever. oh, god, it's really pounding. it's like i feel the weight of endless possibilities just sitting on my chest. she is not doing anything, cam. you're not panicking, are you? of course i am panicking! no! don't panic. if you panic, i panic! i just quit my job! cam! oh, my god, mitchell, i am used to nice things! what are we gonna do?! okay, no, no, just calm -- calm down. this is what we're gonna do. i am going to -- i'm gonna do what i'm trained to do. i am going to lie, grovel, debase myself until i get what i want. i am a lawyer, damn it. mitchell! no. oh, no, you're right -- the tie. no, we'll -- we'll find something better for you, something that works for all of us. there's no plan "b" here, cam. we have a mortgage. we have -- we have a -- a child to support. i -- hey. it's gonna be okay. we're gonna figure it out. i just want you to be happy, and you will be happy.

and that is something worth toasting. let's just drink the cheap stuff 'cause we might have to sell that bottle. [ sighs ] it's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, jay? kids get over these things pretty quick. he's probably sleeping like a baby right now. i'm sure he's wide awake... full of guilt. well, i'm going to sleep. [ sighs ] [ sighs ] damn it! hello, jay. what are you doing up? waiting. waiting for what? the truth. it wasn't a raccoon, was it? oh, all right, you got me. i killed shel. all right? i'm sorry. it was an accident. why didn't you just tell me? because i didn't want you to be upset with me. you and i got off to a rocky start.

but lately it's been pretty good. i was afraid i'd mess all that up if you knew that i was the one that killed your pet. now you're the guy who killed my pet and made a stupid lie about it. well, i don't think it was stupid. i thought it was pretty clever. i was just trying to avoid past mistakes. look... i know i can't make things all better right now, but maybe over time. maybe. get some rest. since we're confessing things... you know that scratch on your car? the one that can't be buffed out? yeah. you should probably know how it happened. i know how it happened. raccoon did it. good night, jay.

hing i ever did was quit a miserable job and start my own business. thanks, dad. now, it's not gonna be easy, but that's why gloria and i want to give you a little something to help you through it. no, dad, i can't. no, i want to, mitch. okay, but, i mean, a-as soon as i'm back on my feet, i-i really want to -- oh. oh. dad. no, you -- you tried to give me this 20 years ago when my pet snake died. i did? yes. zsa-zsa ga-boa. oh, that's adorable. and you really didn't know that he was gay? i must have, right?

come on, boys! it's leap day, not sleep day! - whoo! - (claps hands) i love leap day! (chuckles) it's kind of a big deal in the dunphy house. this year, we even got manny involved. you're given this gift of 24 extra hours. you can't waste it at work or school. you have to do something extraordinary, - something shocking. - mm. this year, the entire family is taking a trapeze class. - how extraordinary is that? - it was my idea. how shocking is that? i can be spontaneous every four years. i can't wait. leap day is stupid. you're not understanding the logic behind it. a year is actually 365.25 days. every four years, we gain one day.

if we didn't adjust the calendar in, say, 40 years, february would almost be january. that's not my problem, and it's definitely not your problem. look at this. the housekeeper turned another one of my whites pink. i can't wear this to a sports bar. they're to going to be looking at you, jay. somebody's feeling pretty good about herself. they're going to be watching the match. you meant you a little bit. okay, put it in there. all right, very quietly, we're gonna go to daddy's bedroom, open the door, and-- aah! - (lily) aah! - aah! oh! happy birthday to me. - i'm 10! - 40! (laughs) i was born february 29th, - and there have been ten of those... - (mouths words) in my lifetime, therefore i'm 10! - (chuckles) - it's fun. it's so much fun. anyway, i've spent the last four years trying to figure to what kind of party to throw this one. oh, honey, you know i'd be fine with just a nice casual evening at home with you. don't even. no. no! that's what he said last time. okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be--

rom com or horror? or we can do both and watch "maid in manhattan." (chuckles) - whatcha doing? - canceling our baby. ♪ okay, love to dad. bye! mwah! (beep) - daddy, what are you doing? - oh. yeah, daddy, what are you doing? snooping for hints about your birthday? wow. - (scoffs) no, i-- - get. no, i'm just excited, and i wanna be helpful. i know party planning isn't your thing. wow. y-you need to trust me, cam. i know, and i do. it's not like you're gonna do anything tired, like appletinis or ice sculptures. or synthetic napkins or anything mylar. cam, that's enough! i've been paying for your last party for four years. and i find it a little insulting that you don't think i can pull this off. you know what? i trust you. i'm letting go. - okay. - okay?

you know orange is over, right? it's a simple party. i can do it. simple. perfect. yeah, just a simple party. i'm simply taking cam's favorite movie, "the wizard of oz," and turning our house into an oz-themed extravaganza-- yellow brick carpet, waitstaff in full costume, and custom-made ruby slippers for cam. whazzup?! so is this safe? it's a trapeze. relax. more people are killed by knife-wielding strangers than from trapezing. i'm thinking about going home now. (stifles sobbing) (sarah mclachlan) ♪ in the arms of the angel (woman on tv) these animals need your help. honey, are you okay? (voice cracks) i'm fine. i'm watching... (high-pitched voice) it's so sad. - ♪ from this dark, cold... - (sobs) oh, no. not today. - (claire breathes deeply) - (luke) what's wrong? nothing. no, your mom's just, uh... feeling emotional. she was like this last month and the month before and the month before. (haley) what?! i could kill someone! no, i can't hear you!

this stupid phone gets no reception in this stupid house! aah! dear god, no. i'd heard rumors. yeah, we all had, that females living or working in close quarters could eventually get on the same... cycle. but i always assumed that was a story designed to keep women out of submarine corps. ♪ find.... this isn't milk. what's wrong with me today? my brain's not working right. no. (exhales deeply) i can't focus... (voice breaks) three legs? (sobs) (high-pitched voice) it's not fair. - (gasps) - i know. - (whispers) oh, no! - it's sad. oh, my god. they're gonna ruin everything. no. we just need to be extra sensitive. (inhales sharply) phil, honey, when do we need to leave? whenever's good for you, sweetie. maybe 20 minutes? - 20 minutes?! - then which one is it, phil? - (haley and alex shouting) - is it whenever it's good for me or is it 20 minutes? it happened-- satan's trifecta. the day i most dreaded had fallen on the day i most loved.

. - why are you so afraid of them?

they're reasonable. why don't we just suggest they stay home, - considering they're all on their menst-- - shh! (lowered voice) the first rule of dealing with the cycle-- you never mention the cycle. you tiptoe around it. the woman's actually taken great pains to hide the monster she's become. but if you acknowledge it, that brings the monster forth. my god, there's three of them. i have a plan. it's kind of traditional for people to lean in when somebody says, "i have a plan." - ja! ja! ja! ja! - (crowd shouting) ja! ja! ja! ja! ja! ja! ja! ja! no! no! si! si! si! si! goal! goal! you should call your country "the never-lands" - because you're never-- - ja, because we are never going to win. - (laughs) - you said that a billion times. just go home. why don't you dutch people go home? someone should shut your colombian mouth! - okay, i wanna see you try! - uh, is there a problem over here? yes. there is a problem, and you're married to her.

really? well, let me make a suggestion. why don't you sit down, i send you over a beer, my wife and i watch from over there? that way, everybody enjoys the game-- except me, 'cause i prefer a game where something happens. gloria, let's go. let's go. i thought you were going to punch that guy back there. ah, i got 60 pounds on the kid. yeah. it's just that i've heard - so many stories about you fighting. - (chuckles) - and-- - it's not worth the trouble. yeah, and he has all those friends and... well, his friends had nothing to do with it. i mean, sometimes it's better to take the high road. yeah, it's better that you walked away. gloria, i get-- i get the impression - you're disappointed i didn't punch that guy. - of course not. who needs all that manly, protect-your-woman stuff? no, see, like, right there. you're saying one thing, but it feels like you mean the opposite. look, jay, i just came to watch the game. - i don't want to fight. - neither do i. i know. so in keeping with the film, this area will be in black and white, and then an explosion of technicolor.

- (beep) - best part-- as the guests are coming in... - (fan whirring) - (chuckles) auntie em! auntie em! - (chuckles) - (laughs) a simulated tornado. yeah. oh, he's gonna love that. - so the appletinis are canceled... - yes. - the little toto dog is ordered, and... - (liquid splashes) please tell me that you are not mixing punch in costume! oh, no! what is cam doing home? - hey. - hey. we're the monkeys. yes, hi. hi. come on inside. quickly, quickly. hey! whatcha doing home? are you checking on me and the party again? no, no. i left my cell phone in your car and i gotta be in touch with mama today. she's talking to the insurance agency for the first time to see if they're gonna rebuild grandpa's farm. rebuild the... (gasps) because of the tornado. i totally missed the connection. a month after the most devastating twister to ever hit cam's hometown, i throw a party based on gay cinema's most famous tornado. yeah, you know, it's been a month, and she hasn't heard anything, and she's just beside herself. and then you know what else? lily succumbed to her injuries.

- your aunt lily died? - no, the family pig. aunt lily was a... we named our daughter after a pig? could you just witness my pain instead of criticizing? i just want to be in touch with my family today, get all this tornado stuff behind me so i can enjoy... (singsongy) the fabulous party you're planning for me! yeah! you gotta get outta here! (chuckles) - okay. hey, listen. hey, cam? - yeah? you just call your family, tell them i said "hi." and don't worry about being back at 6:00 on the dot. there's a little breathing room. oh, what, are you kidding me? the sooner i can start to party, the sooner i can start to forget. (chuckles) but then again, hey, if you keep running from every reminder of the tornado, doesn't the tornado win? mitchell, my grandpa runs to his pickup truck every morning because he thinks the pitchfork is gonna come back down. - the tornado always wins. - yeah. okay, well, it's gonna be so much fun tonight! i know! the big 1-0! 4-0! hey, mitchell! i'm over here! - i could've hit you! - (singsongy) but you didn't! i'm doing my "i love ya" dance. okay, i'm doing my "i love you" car dance. (laughing) look at you! - watch the fish move! - stop that! okay! go! - i got-- - this is dangerous.

- okay, okay. - go. - get out of here, you. out! - it's my birthday! all right, guys, come here. we need to talk. (exhales deeply) - (manny) there they are. - (haley) stop rushing us! - (luke sighs) - buddy, what's wrong? yes, you've been a little off all morning. i've been feeling a lot of stress lately. my head's all foggy, and i'm kind of emotional. oh. well, i sure hope you feel better soon 'cause you really need your wits about you when you're trapezing. this is weird because the three of us haven't exactly been feeling our best today either. - really? - (claire) mm. (alex) i can't find my other sock! try looking under the one you have on. i am not you. i don't do that. see? (voice breaks) oh, god, i am you. would you mind if we sat out trapezing? - really? - (claire) yeah. are you sure? okay. why does he do that? every month. yeah, i get a little moody, but unrelenting physical discomfort will do that to a person. all right, you and manny go ahead. - luke can just stay here with us. - wait. what? luke's actually looking better.

- i am better. - well, let's not take any chances. - he can stay here. you go ahead. - dad? - um, i... - daddy? - see you later, buddy. - what are we going to do? we leave no man behind. i think i'm just gonna go home. we have time. just take down the decorations and have a normal party. yeah, and throw a boring party in our house that looks like i just threw it together this afternoon? - think! - okay, we have a few options. i can get you the back room at amelia's. spilled juice on the owner's white rug and almost killed her toddler. next. - bowling alley? - not classy enough. what have you got? - uh... - you're no help. you. well, last weekend, i did a party on a boat. - you said you were visiting your parents. - you're suffocating me. what's this boat? tell me about the boat. okay, we did an elegant dinner party on a luxury yacht for about 25 people. it takes you around the harbor, dancing under the moonlight. okay, okay. uh, maybe we can-- we can make a theme out of this. you know, cam's life is like a long voyage. sometimes choppy but always forward, ever forward. - we have two hours. - book it. hey, you survived trapeze class, huh? didn't happen. and common decency prevents me from telling you why.

- how was the soccer match? - thrilling. 1-1 tie. one of the goals was an accident. i'm sure my mom was happy you went. i don't know what to make of her today. she got into it with this guy, and i swear she was pushing me into a fight with him. now, is that something she'd want? i don't know. i always thought of women as the more evolved sex. but after today... i've seen things, jay. 'cause, you know, i had my share of fights in my time. you know that. (slurps) mmm! mm. mm. it's too warm for me. yeah, i remember this time i was crossing the street with dede, and some jackass almost clipped her. i had the guy on the ground, my foot on his neck, before the car stopped moving. yeah, we've heard all those stories. maybe my mom wouldn't mind a glimpse of that jay. - (horn honks) - that's her. she wants me to help pick out cam's gift. i'm still that guy, you know. 100%. what the hell? how do you cut your finger on a cracker? anyway, if i thought there was a fight worth fighting, i'd fight it. ow! now i got salt in this. that stings! next time, don't scream at your boss

so that he doesn't make you work during the weekends. (speaking spanish) si. adios. hey, mom. who were you yelling at? your father, baby. he cannot make it this weekend. okay, i admit it. i wanted jay to kick that little dutch man's ass at the bar. but two seconds on the phone with javier, and i remember what that stupid hothead behavior gets you-- nothing. it's better to be calm like jay. like jay and me. like jay. - (door opens and closes) - (tv playing indistinctly) (phil) i'm back! wouldn't you know, i forgot my ding-dang sunglasses. - mm. - huh. luke, could you give me a hand? okay, i got a bottle of fake blood out of the halloween supplies. put a dab on your finger, say you cut it. i say i need to run you by the doctor. easy trapezy. got it? see ya on the other side, brother. just once, i would like phil to have a little empathy,

give me some sense that he understands what women go through. - you feeling any better? - mnh-mnh. hate to see the whole team on the d.l. (luke) ow! my finger! i don't like the sound of that. (opens door) (whispering) i said a little bit! the cap fell off. i decided to just go with it. - okay, we gotta get you out the back. - (haley and alex scream) - god, what happened?! - oh, it's just a little cut. but to be safe, i'll run him by the doctor. no, are you crazy?! call 9-1-1! no, no, they're so busy. where's the wound?! we need to put pressure on it, right? - i'm gonna be sick! - my finger. oh, he needs a tourniquet! where do i put it?! - on my finger. - stop! there is nothing wrong with him. - luke, what's going on? - i cut my finger? - dad? - how crazy is that? they were in my pocket the whole time. i'll see you. phil! what is going on, luke? dad staged the whole thing so we could go on the trapeze without you three. - why? - because... because... because of this! you're all monster-ating! - luke, no! - are you kidding me?!

- oh, my god! - oh, my lord. sorry! i know you told me not to say it, but i... phil! do you have any idea how offensive that is? - i do, honey. - (scoffs) and from the bottom of my heart, i am so... (whispers) s-s-scared. - ugh! - oh, no!

don't go away. "modern family" will be right back.

- (singsongy) okay. 3, 2, 1! (all) surprise! (laughs) oh, my gosh! oh, it's amazing! - yeah, it's a boat party. - oh! because? your life is like a voyage.

oh! well, everyone's is, but i love it because none of our other friends have ever done it. ohh! oh, that's so sweet. it must be easy with no dirty, broken woman in the relationship. (luke, alex, and haley laugh) what are you laughing at? okay, everybody follow the birthday flag! what'd you call me? oh. uh, oh, yes. oh, my gosh. it's so elegant. pepper must be dying. oh, you know, actually, pepper couldn't come because he hates boats. you know, after the navy. - oh. - so... yeah. oh, yeah. i guess longinus got over his fear of water? mnh. no, no. why don't we just focus on the 30 people who are here, having a great time! (chuckles) ew! it smells like somebody's dead. ugh! what is that smell? that faint odor is-- is a tiny, tiny blue whale who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby. but... si, but it's getting all over my coat. (phil) i don't smell anything. maybe that's because you smell like a bouquet of flowers. - (loud thud) - ow! oh, yeah. watch out for that. (nasal voice) ugh! it smells like puke married poop and had the ceremony in my nose.

you paint with words. okay, don't worry, everybody. soon we'll be way, way out at sea, bouncing on the waves with all of his sweet-smelling brothers and sisters. okay? - mitchell pritchett? - oh, yes. hi. hi. i'm your captain tonight. we've got a problem. i can't fit this many people on my boat. no, no. i was told you could take 30. i have exactly 30 guests. plus six in help. you gotta drop a few people. come on. there must be something that we can do here. well, we have bigger boats, but this is the best i could do on two hours' notice. - please, um... - what is the problem? apparently, mitchell started planning my birthday party - two hours ago. - mnh-mnh. no. no, i-i did not. uh, apparently, we have too many people for his boat. - (whispers) so... - that's crazy. i've seen more people clinging to a floating door. i'm sorry, lady. it's a safety issue. oh, no. you're going to have a safety issue if you don't take me away from this whale. okay, little too much finger, little too much attitude. what's all this? uh, two hours of mitchell's hard work going down the drain. look, i can't fit more than 30 people on the boat, as i was just explaining to the lady here. well, first of all, that "lady" is my son. he wasn't talking about me.

i was talking about her. oh. her. oh, it's "her" now. well, "her" happens to be my wife. you got a problem with her, you got a problem with me. - no, no, jay... - you know... (scoffs) - calm down. - i didn't have a problem before, but now i'm starting to. no, your problem's about to get a lot bigger. no, jay, i know you think this is what i want, but it's not. - i've got this, gloria. - no, jay. i was just being stupid today. i like that you're calm, that you think first, and you act second. i need that in my life. - yeah, so walk away, grandpa. - you know what? - (loud smack) - nobody call him "grandpa"! i do. okay, that's it! no boat! everybody off my dock, or i'm calling the cops! wait, w-wait. so no party now? no! no, of course! just... just... just give me a minute okay? oh, well, after what you did with two hours, - i can't wait to see what you do with a minute. - cam! poor cam. he seems so upset. oh, is that hard for you, phil, that he's have a feeling around you? - i'm so sorry. - too many emotions? - okay, okay, i give up! - (claire, alex, and haley speak at once) yeah, i made a mistake today. but only because the three of you ganged up on me

like when the wolfman, dracula, and frankenstein show up in the same movie, except this wasn't awesome! i have been on an emotional roller coaster all day today. i'm afraid. i'm mad. i'm mad because i'm afraid, and now i can't even think straight because i'm in so much pain from what just happened over there! and the whole thing makes me so sad, and i'm not even sure why, and i'm nauseous from that smell but i'm so hungry. (breathing deeply) (claire) yeah. cam, the boat wasn't even part of the plan. no, it's fine. it's my fault for letting my expectations get too high. - i'll get over this one, too. - no, no. i had this whole "wizard of oz" party planned, only today i realized that it might be a little too tornado-y. - today? - yes! i'm sorry i-i didn't make the connection, okay? probably 'cause i've been planning for months so that you could have the perfect party and be happy, which now i don't even think is possible. oh, i'm sorry that i would like to have a nice 10th birthday party. well, you can't have it, cam! you wanna know why?! because you're 40! you're a 40-year-old man!

(voice breaking) i am 40. - i'm 40. - yes. (sobs) oh, cam, stop it. i'm 40 and i'm on this stupid-- wait, what is that?! oh, it's this... - (thud) - thing! suddenly, it all made sense. cam's craziness all day wasn't about a party. it was about turning 40. and once he realized that, everything got much worse. - i've done nothing with my life! - oh, stop it. - come on. how can you say that? - (sobs) - you're a wonderful father. - (sobs) - you graduated from clown college. - (sobs) - you've been to france. - (sobs) i don't want to be 40. it's not fair! - i know. - nothing's fair. 2 miles from here is an amusement park full of happy families swinging on a trapeze. that's all i wanted for my special bonus day. (whispers) what?

i'd been trying so hard to figure out what cam wanted for his birthday. he'd been telling me all along. he wanted to be 10. whoo! (both) whoo! seriously? there's nothing you can do? i'm sorry. you just missed the cutoff. how about we see you next time? how about you make an exception and strap him in there? (haley) yeah, we're, like, ten minutes past your deadline, anyway. and you don't want to make us angry today. - ladies, uh, i really can't make any exceptions. - "ladies"? - seriously, pete? - no, i don't think "ladies"... (haley, claire, and alex speak at once) and that was how they apologized to me. (all cheering) (all scream) you did it! at least, i-i think it was. i could never ask them.

- this is so satisfying! - best i've felt all day! aah! can i rent one of these on a monthly basis? yeah! ohh, ha ha! yes! oh, yay! - oh, ho ho ho ho! - aw... - best 40th birthday party ever. - no, no. 10th. - really? - yeah.

in fact, you're still that sexy little 8-year-old - i fell in love with. - (giggles)