a soccer ball, and it hit another kid so hard, his eye popped out. awesome. really? his eye popped out? well, got to hit the sack. big saturday tomorrow. that's right. it's somebody's birthday. not just that -- the ipad comes out on my actual birthday. it's like steve jobs and god

got together to say, "we love you, phil." what is so great about that doohickey, anyhow? "doohickey," elly may? it's a movie theater, a library, and a music store all rolled into one awesome pad. a library is a place where people get books. a movie theater is a place where people go on dates. i better load the beach chair into the trunk. i'm gonna need it for the line in the morning. wait, honey, hang on. you can't spend your birthday in line. well, not the whole day. i have to be there at 6:00, or forget about it, and then i'm out by 10:00. why don't you let me do it? claire, you don't have to do that. no, i know, but i want to. and that way, on your birthday, you'll wake up, and you'll have your brand-new...toy. okay. well, in spite of you calling it a toy, this is shaping up to top the best birthday i ever had. oh, thank god we didn't have to hear that stupid story about -- it was called the fun zone. i was 11. i hit 10 straight fastballs in the batting cage. then my best friend, jeff sweeney, stepped in and took one in the groin. i yelled out, "ball two!"

everybody laughed. that was when i knew i was funny. b-e-l-i-e-v-e. believe. are you sure there's not an e-i in the middle? no. it's i-e. good, papi. if i can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you, either. i don't think they're trying to fool me. wait until you see what i got phil for his birthday. i found it on the skymall catalog. ay, it's not one of those talking alarm clocks? "it's 6:05." "it's 6:25." "wake up. wake up." even better -- a rosewood chess set. as a matter of fact, before i wrap this thing, what say we take it for a spin? come on, manny. i'll teach you. he knows how to play. his father taught him. i'm gonna teach him real chess, not the colombian version. we actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country. eh, i know one colombian piece you won't be playing with later. manny, come on. let's see what you got. you'll be surprised. manny's an excellent player.

but jay is a grumpy loser. he mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door, then he said he didn't slam the door. it's better that he wins. [ baby crying ] oh, i got this. yeah. man: everything's gonna be okay. it's okay. it's okay. cam! cam! leave me alone. no, there -- there's a -- there's a man in lily's room. huh? there's a man in lily's room! it's go time. oh, thank god. no, no! it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me. she's fine. she's fine. we must have just heard a neighbor with the same monitor. thank god. boy, if a spider would've broken in here, he would've been in trou-u-ble.

light-up barbecue tongs. this was the lame gift i got phil. so... [ alarm clock buzzing ] was i bummed to get up at 5:00 in the morning and wait in line? no. no, because i was finally getting my husband something that he really, really wanted. i was every bit as excited as he was. [ sighs ] no. okay. [ snores ] hey, buddy. i hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday. hey, what do you say we play again? i'm good. that's the spirit.

downloaded this for you. it's kind of a kid's guide to chess. no, jay. i'm good. ah, it's not all dry like that. they have fun with it. see, you can color in the little players with your crayons. now you are making me want to play again. now we're lighting a fire. let me toss this out. if you beat me, if that day should ever come, i'll give you, uh... i want your watch. wow. you had that loaded up, huh? okay. game on. now, i want you to go first. now, remember, try to open up the middle of the board. i'd have moved that guy two spaces -- more aggressive. and you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly. see, now, you could have protected that with that, but now you're vulnerable to -- checkmate. huh? what? how'd you do that? you will not believe what's going on at jake and debbie's house. who?

the people on the monitor. they must live nearby. so much drama. okay, jake told debbie that he had to work late, so she called his boss and found out that he didn't. busted! so she spent all morning on the phone crying and crying and crying to her mother and said if jake has to work "late" one more time, she's filing for divorce. huh. that's it? i give you that tasty dish, and all you give me is a "huh"? i'm -- i'm s-- cam, i froze last night. i froze. i-i thought lily was in danger, and i froze. but not you -- no, you sprung right into action. you even had the cool "it's go time" line. that comes to me naturally. i spent a year as a crossing guard. cam, i mean, what kind of parent am i if i can't even protect my own family, you know? j-j-just once i would love to be the -- the guy with no fear who can stand up and... i don't know, you know, kick some ass. you're so cute when you're angry with your little fists. i just want to put you in my pocket. dad! happy birthday! happy birthday! luke: happy birthday, dad. you guys, that's awesome. oh, who are these from?

cam and mitchell. those guys are a class act. we're making you breakfast. uh-huh. french waffle cakes. let me guess -- one waffle in between two pieces of french toast, wrapped in a pancake. nailed it. bring it in here, monkeys. love you! get over here! good enough. luke: where's mom? you mean the greatest woman in the world? she is standing in line at the apple store, making all my birthday wishes come true. aww. let's see how these bad boys taste. oh, don't touch that! son of a -- oh! that is hot! luke: are you okay? fresh out of the oven, eh? that is -- do you want some ice? yes. oh, man, this -- [ ice cubes clink ] oh, that feels better. that feels better. alex: really? good. no, it actually -- that...feels weird. that burns in a different way! ow! oh! don't wash this until we see if i can get my skin back, okay?

let me see it! oh, your party's not until tonight. you're just gonna have to wait. just let me see the bag. did you leave it in the car? yeah.

hey, who'd you deal with? was it a guy named mehar? they call him "the beast." oh. he's a tiny guy. he must move a ton of product. oh. i kind of love that you're making me wait. [ laughs ] you are the best wife ever! you are the best wife ever! oh, i didn't get you the ipad. i got to the store, and they were all out. i'm so sorry. i don't understand. my online buddies got it. mm. sat800 and brobot didn't get there until 8:00, and you definitely got there before they did, because you got there at 6:30. no, no, no. you didn't get there at 6:30? where were you? i-i set the alarm for 5:00. i got up. i came downstairs. i fell asleep. no!! ohh. oh, my goodness. what have i done? what have i done? i should've done this myself. sweetie, you know what? they're gonna get more in next week. next week? that's, like, the worst thing you can say to an early adopter. [ keys jingle ] where are you going? to a place where birthdays still mean something. [ door closes ] hey, manny. mitchell? what are you doing here at...

4:17 on a saturday afternoon? oh, i'm just returning my dad's, uh, belt of tools, so -- at 4:17 on a saturday afternoon? don't you have something better to do? [ chuckles ] hey. so, were you a big hit? uh, what do you mean? well, i just assumed it was some kind of costume party. was -- was cam the indian? no, for your information, dad, we were actually doing a little construction at the house. oh. what did you build? a gift-wrapping station. and we're back. so... thank you for that. you're welcome. hey, uh, dad, do you remember when i was, uh, probably 11 and you were teaching me how to fight, and then i quit? yeah, when you said everything you needed to learn, you'd learned from "west side story." yeah. how'd that work out for you? if i'm ever in a dance fight, i'll let you know. [ chuckles ] [ laughs ] so, yeah. is the -- is the -- is the offer, uh, still good? why? what's the matter? you got problems with cam? no! no. why -- why would you -- why would you say that? well, come on. i mean, you know, sharing a room with a guy? i mean, i bunked with my brother. i know that can get pretty rough. i don't "bunk" with cam.

dad, i-i just want to learn a little self-defense, you know? show me what you remember. right -- right now? yeah. um...okay. uh, gosh, uh... thumbs out. thumbs -- attaboy. and then... that wasn't -- that wasn't very pretty, was it? you know what? maybe it was a little too pretty. that's the thing. oh! oh! oh! man. no. buddy, i think the problem is you're not jumping from high enough. you should get on top of the garage. alex, stop trying to kill your brother. listen, guys, i need your help. we've got to find your dad one of those ipad thingies. so, haley, text everyone you know. alex, facebook, chat, tweet, buzz, bling -- i don't know -- just do what you have to do. we have got to find one of these ipads, okay? luke, sweetie, that means stay out of everyone's way and stop inhaling the balloons. [ high-pitched ] i'm not inhaling them. stop lying. how did she know? didn't your mama teach you

never to take a ride from a stranger?! not feeling too well lately? maybe you should come see the doctor... and i'll...get rid of it! [ chuckles ] what's that supposed to mean? woman on p.a.: attention -- if you're here for phil's birthday party, they're gathering in the picnic area. phil's birthday party. my wife knew i'd be here. she put together a whole party for me. does that really make up for not getting an ipad? don't make me sorry i shared that with you, okay? howdy do. i just heard the announcement for phil's birthday party. oh, yeah. it's right around the corner. awesome. have fun. thank you. thanks, milady. [ both chuckle ] [ clears throat ] [ indistinct conversations ] ice cream cake. ice cream cake's good. happy birthday, phil! happy birthday, phil! whoa. this is awesome! [ cheers and applause ]

[ indistinct talking ] [ telephone rings ] jake: hello? no, that's fine. i'm just putting the baby down. okay, that's jake. he's the one that's having an affair. i know. yeah, i can do it tomorrow night. i'll just give my wife some excuse. [ scoffs ] men are pigs. i don't really have a choice, do i? yeah, you could not cheat on her. how about that?! because it has to be a surprise. when she hears me speaking italian to her grandmother, it'll be worth all this sneaking around. lily, i had it backwards. he's wonderful. no, don't worry. i'll just tell her i'm working late. no, jake, don't do that! that's the worst thing you could do! buona notte. [telephone beeps ] oh, no. lily, what are we gonna do? we have to fix this. okay, mitchell, take any deep-seated anger you may have, get a running start, and come at me. dad, i don't have any deep-seated anger. remember that halloween when i wouldn't let you go as olivia newton-john? aaaaaaah! you see what i did? oh, yeah. i used your momentum against you. now, i learned this choke from the gracie brothers. it's called the lion killer -- mata-leao.

[ gasping ] okay. now, try to get out. try to get out. there, you see? [ strained ] i can't. yeah, all right, now... impressive. ...see, the beauty of this is you don't have to make the first move, you know? chances are, your opponent's gonna be overconfident. he's gonna think you don't know anything. basically, he's being suckered into thinking -- manny. manny -- that little bastard. he hustled me. oh, crap. oh, crap. mitchell. oh, crap. all right, come on. yeah, breathe. attaboy. what? you all right? come around. huh? why am i on the floor? come on, mitchell. haley, i just struck out again. please tell me you have some good news. okay, so, the grove just got in a shipment. i'm texting you the directions now. oh! okay, that's good. that's good. that's good. i'm there. i'm on that. that kid stole my watch. huh? manny: what? he hustled me at chess.

[ sighs ] i thought you promised you were gonna let him win. i did the first time. wait a minute. y-you're in on it, too? manny, go and get dressed for the party. do i have time for a steam? yeah, but a quick one. okay. why would you tell him to lose to me? because you're like a baby when you don't win, with the kicking and the eyebrows and the angry eating of the sunflower seeds -- "ni-ni-ni"! actually, that's not true. i don't mind losing to a chess genius, which manny obviously is. chess genius? he's not even as good as i am. you're not that good in chess. i beat you on our honeymoon. or did i let you win? you didn't let me win. why would i sacrifice my queen for your pawn, jay? huh? huh? huh? stop saying that. [ cellphone rings ] luke, honey, hi. what's going on? the guy came with dad's cake, but just so you know, it's missing a piece. luke, did you take a bite out of your father's cake? no. stop lying, luke. i-i'm not lying. by the way, i used your credit card to pay him.

is that all right? [ breathlessly ] oh, no. that's fine. whatever. that's why i left the wallet there. oh, my god. oh, my god! i left the wallet there. i left the w-- your poor father -- all this running around, and he's gonna think nobody cares about him on his birthday. more cake? why not, little phil? i got no place else to go. "modern family" will be right back.

...will be right back.

tomato florentine soup, it took a little time to get it just right. [ ding ] at first, it wasn't the perfect amount of tomatoes. not ready. [ male announcer ] later, it wouldn't be the perfect amount of spinach. not ready. [ male announcer ] then the sausage and pasta. ♪ not ready. [ male announcer ] but finally it happened. perfection. yes! [ male announcer ] at progresso, we've got a passion for quality. because you've got a passion for taste.

we've got a passion for quality. excuse me. um, yes, i-i know this is highly unusual, but i need your help to save a marriage. there a couple in this neighborhood that is about to get a divorce for a simple misunderstanding. their name is jake and debbie. and i know you've taken an oath to not tell people where other people live, and i respect that, but maybe we could work out some sort of super-secretive spy signal, where if you scratch your left ear, you know, maybe they live on the left, and if you scratch your right ear, they live on -- they live right here. oh. sorry. oh! thank god! oh, thank you, thank you. [ smooches ] oh, dad just put me to sleep. ohh, the hunting story? hmm. uh, n-no. oh, my gosh. no. you -- you can't cut the line. sorry. i was here. unh-unh. i-i-i've been here for an hour and a half. and -- and you haven't been, so you cut the line. whatever. whoa. e-excuse me, sir.

sir, i don't think you understand. you're not getting in front of us. calm down, gingerbread. are you gonna move or not? no. oh, no. then you leave me no choice. oh, my god! go to sleep. go to sleep. go to sleep. no. yeah. go to sleep. mitchell. mitchell, what are you doing? get off of him. mitchell. shut up. he's about to go to sleep. no, i'm not. okay, folks. let's break this up. you three -- out of line. oh, no. i'm sorry. sir, i didn't have anything to do with this. i'm just waiting in line to get an ipad. i don't -- i don't even know this guy. [ gasps ] oh, i'm gonna need your credit card. he's the problem. shut up. you're supposed to be asleep. it's okay. i have it. get off. i've got it. what? i've got your card. move, move. what? i'm good. no, no, i'm good. i'm good. i'm here -- move, move. i'm -- i've got to get my husband an ipad! key to a good birthday -- low expectations. thought i was getting an ipad. i was wrong about that. thought i was getting a surprise party at the batting cages. sorry, big phil. [ laughs ] guess when it comes right down to it, we're all just jeff sweeney taking a fastball to the plums.

hey, um, dad, your cake fell off the counter, but uncle cam's trying to fix it. he won't. luke: and the pizzas never showed up. and they won't. [ indistinct conversation ] hey -- balloons. fine. i guess we'll never know. or we can find out right now, huh? yeah, manny, give me the chess set. oh, it's a chess set. yeah. you'll get it later. we got something to settle right now. go in there. happy birthday, phil. go ahead. happy, happy. oh, cam. cam, you'll never believe what happened. i have -- h-happy birthday, phil. sure. you'll never believe what happened. i got in trouble for fighting. [ gasps ] and we saved a marriage. oh, well, this is the best day ever. it really is. ain't it, though? [ clears throat ] look at this, papi! huh? son of a -- [ laughs ] easy. you can't sing "we are the champions"... without your queen. damn it! listen, i lose, and i burn this house down!

ah, but look at this -- honey, honey. what are we doing? this is ridiculous. one of us is gonna win the game, the other's gonna feel lousy, and we both lose. yeah, just leave my birthday present on the floor. that's my girl. jay: she had me. there was no way i could win. i knew it. i'm just glad she didn't know it yet. two moves, and then "kcch." i'm a very good chess player. but i'm a better wife. hey, did you get it? no. how's your dad? acting weird...er. phil: hey, wife. honey. hi. um, listen. mom? yeah, luke, hang on one second. honey, it's okay. i don't feel things anymore. but, sweetie, i want you to feel -- mom. luke, i'll be with you in just a second. where are you going? just heading out to the yard to get a shovel for my cake. luke: mom. luke, what do you want? i went on dad's computer, contacted some of his geek friends,

told them that he was dying and his last wish was an ipad. luke, what have i told you about the ly-- one of them felt so bad, they brought over an extra. oh, my god. you got it, you beautiful little liar. oh. [ door opens ] here comes dad. who's got you? such a pretty face. who's got you? [ gasps ] who wants some cake? i used to, but i don't desire food any-- oh, my god! you got it! all this time, i said i didn't care, but i do care -- i care so much! do you want to blow out the candles? yes! go on. go. [ blows ] it did not just do that! yes, it did! honey! [ smooches ] oh! who's ready for the first day of the rest of their lives? phil, happy birthday. look at this. happy birthday. can i touch it? yeah. not so hard, but touch it. it says "happy birthday." touch it, but don't touch it. touch it, but don't touch it. okay.

i ever doubted you. i love you. jake: thank god that guy came over. what did he say his name was? he didn't. must be an angel. did you hear that? i'm an angel. or some creepy perv. yeah. wow. how did he know? ew. maybe i should call the police. you should call the police. mm. okay. well. i'm gonna call the police. and they lived happily ever after. no. no, cam. no. where are you going? it was just getting good. i want -- that's my program. i love you. i love you, too, honey. oh -- okay.

neighbor, died. he and luke were pretty close, so we have to tell him. i'm a little nervous about it. i think we should break it to him slowly. like how? well, first we'd say, "luke, your friend walt has a cold. you shouldn't go over there." next day--"bad news. walt's in the hospital,

but he's still cracking jokes with the nurses." next day--"they're trying an experimental drug. fingers crossed." next day--"his body rebelled. he's in a coma." next day--he rallies, next day--coma, next day--coma, next day--coma, next day--eye flutter-- stop. just stop. stop. oh. luke, we have some bad news for you. it's about walt. i'm afraid... he passed away. um, it happened yesterday. he finished writing an angry letter to the postmaster general, and he just fell asleep. okay. it was very peaceful. not the letter. that was full of threats, but... it's okay to be sad, honey. you two were really good friends. it must be quite a shock to hear that... walt's dead. um, so do you wanna talk about it or... i'm okay. can i get back to my video game? it's paused.

oh, um, sure. yeah, buddy. come here. how weird was that? i know. crazy weird. it's like he had no feelings at all. i'm more worried about the one you showed. what's with all the smiling? what are you talking about? that grin. "walt's dead." you looked like the joker. i didn't smile. you did. it's like a weird coping mechanism. you did the same thing when you told him his hamster died. i don't know what you thought you saw, phil, but our child just got some terrible news and had absolutely no reaction. doesn't that concern you? yeah. he probably just needs time to process it. hmm. do you think? yeah, honey. (exhales deeply) death is a profound thing to deal with at any age. we all manage it differently. some people lock up their feelings. others... reach out for comfort, finding some way to reaffirm their connection to life-- you're joking. oh. ♪

hola, haley. gloria, i was driving by and saw this outside your door, so here. thank you. no problem. hey, so since i'm already here, my friend was gonna have a pool party tonight, but he got sick. could we have it here? mm. good thing that you saw this paper or if not, you would have never been able to ask. yeah. i'm sorry, but jay and i are going to mitch and cam's for dinner tonight. i'm just thinking out loud here. what if i get a chaperone that my parents approve of? would it be okay then? well, i guess so. you know, it would be good for manny to have a little bit of fun. do you mind if he stays here for the party? mind? the plan depended on him. i don't suppose you've thought of a chaperone? of course not, mom, because it's going to be a wild party and i'm trying to get away with something as usual. yes, i thought of a chaperone--

my uncle who already said he would do it. but if that's gonna be a problem, i think i should just call everybody-- sorry. sorry. sorry. it's fine. and thank you, uncle manny. can you help a little bit? this--if i--if i push down, does that... yeah, that's helping. that's helping. no, it's not helping. it's 'cause it's stuck. i can't believe i got 'em this stuck. i've built beds my whole life-- bunk beds, dog beds, cow beds. okay, i'm calling you on cow beds. (doorbell rings) oh, that's my dad! okay. he can help. he's built a boat, a dock, a lake... uh, he did not build a lake. okay, from now on, just stop after you say the second thing. ...so the cabin door swings open. damned if there wasn't a lady pilot in there. yeah, well, i hate to admit it, but it throws me, too. i do prefer a man. are we gonna have this conversation again? hey, merle. hey. (laughs) how are you? yeah, ooh. okay. nice to see you. all right, let me grab that for you. no. no. i got it. i will take that beer you were about to offer me, though. oh, yeah. coming right up. and you know where everything is. go have a seat. oh, i missed a call from my dad. oh, let me guess. is he calling to cancel? what's his excuse this time?

you know, that's a really mean thing to assume, cam. i really wish you'd give my dad a break for once. oh, please. you know jay doesn't like my dad. he thinks he's some bumpkin from the sticks. well, i will have you know that merle stonewall tucker is one of the most respected farmers in all of hell's hollow, missouri. okay, you're not hearing yourself. (cell phone beeps) my dad likes him just fine. come on. (telephone rings) (beep) hello? hey, dad. it's me. mitch. (coughs) i'm sick. i gotta cancel tonight. yeah. yeah, 6:00. we're really looking forward to it. what are you doing? i just said i can't come. i don't know. let me ask. my dad wants to know red or white? um, uh, red. red. and i'm sorry. okay. yeah, cam says red. okay. yeah, he's--he's so happy-- knock it off, old man. you are not sick. why do you always do this? okay, look, between you and me, mervis kind of bugs me. okay, first of all, it's merle. mervis isn't a name. mervis is a sound. and second of all, he's-- he's my partner's father. okay? you're coming.

okay, dad, why don't you settle in? we don't have plans until dinner tonight with jay and gloria. i-i don't like that guy. what? that's-- you like everybody. not jay. the guy rubs me the wrong way. okay. well, you know what? i'm gonna chalk this up to jet lag for you because it's not like you at all. okay, you have to make an effort. it's my partner's father. now give me the growl that means "okay." (growls) good. did you know walt had a daughter he was completely estranged from? his lawyer said she wouldn't even honor his last request to toss his dog tags in the ocean. can you imagine? phil, do we really have to go through this again? i told you, i would do everything possible to make sure that your skeleton ends up in a science class at a women's college. no, it's just sad. that's half of what would keep me going in my old age-- remembering all the good times with the kids. oh. teaching luke to ride his bike, haley at the father-daughter dance... taking alex for her first pony ride. you never took alex on a pony ride.

oh, right. that was just me. mm-hmm. but alex and i went, um, oh, no. that was haley. mm-hmm. huh. phil, look. it's luke. he's going into walt's house. oh, he's saying good-bye. he just needed a little time. it's so sweet and so sad. wow. he's so much more sensitive than i ever thought. (inhales and exhales deeply) they had a special bond. i wouldn't be surprised if one day he wrote a book like "tuesdays with morrie." (door opens) i never read it. did that guy steal morrie's tv?

now setting a course for adventure! (high-pitched voice) beep. boop. beep. bop. boop. boop. boop. i've had great experiences with all my kids, but i... i might have fallen behind a bit with alex. my fault completely. adventure? we are throwing dog tags into an already polluted ocean where they will probably choke an otter.

80% my fault. honey, we're bringing closure to a man's life. we'll hike up to the scenic overlook, where apparently, walt proposed to his wife, wait for the light to be just right, say a few words. share some memories. that's kind of poetic. kind of navajo. now you're getting it. we'll be sending him off with a level of dignity, that if we're lucky, someday we'll experience, too. it's called-- (chain jangles) huh. (knocks on door) hey. what do you got there? walt's old tv? he said i could take one thing after he died. i wish he would've said two things. i would've taken that phone with the big buttons. i bet you guys had some really good times watching this thing, right? (music playing on tv) no. i just wanted a tv in my room. you know, luke, there might be a nicer way to honor walt's memory. what do you mean?

well, i mean, you guys liked to garden. we could, uh, we could take one of his flowers and plant it in our yard, and then every spring, when-- (luke hits tv) (sighs) there we go. sweetie, how are you feeling? you sad? angry? confused? frustrated? you know you can talk to me. i know, but i can't see through you. could you scootch? no. no. you know, this is not okay. it's going back. he said i could pick one thing. this isn't picking, it's looting, and it's going back. (scoffs) you are so mean. when walt used to look through those binoculars and say, "your dad's one lucky man," he was wrong. hi, haley. hi. stef, sam, this is manny. what's up, dude? kitchen's over there and pool's in the back. so where are your parents? they're not coming. i was told there'd be a chaperone. there is. it's you. my parents are totally fine with it. exits, fire extinguisher, burn kit. okay, let's have some fun.

i believe i was clear the bedrooms were off-limits. young lady, i don't think you're ready up here for what you're planning to do up there. (indistinct conversations) (sniffs) ugh. not on my watch. oh, this was a delicious meal, mitchell. i wish my wife could cook a roast like this. you got a good one there, son. oh, well, i'm very lucky, just like you and mama. never had a bad patch. except the winter of '85. remember that? oh, i spent several nights in the cow bed then. mm-hmm. (cameron) oh, here. let me help you. no, no, no. you sit--sit down. let--lets us guys catch up here a little bit. yeah. i'll tell you why i don't like that guy-- and i could never say this to mitch-- he treats my son like the wife in the relationship. always has. before we get to dessert, i've got some presents here. (gloria) oh! oh, you didn't need to, dad. love it! oh, merle, thank you so much. oh!

look at this. oh. so elegant, huh? oh, this is so sweet. i think i might cry. don't. dad, i really gotta get home. i know. i know. you gotta do homework. but you can't expect me to see a sign that says, "world's greatest milk shake-- 50 miles," and not drive to it. sorry, sweetie. machine's broken. huh. i just wanted a special day with my daughter, you know, like "the time we gave an old man a dramatic sendoff at the beach," or--or "the time we drove 100 miles for the world's greatest milk shake." call us when it happens, francine. oh, it could be before you get home. i'm a week past my due date as it is. what can i do for you? "the time we delivered a baby." we were the only ones there, and she was so close, the sound of a pin dropping could induce labor. okay! what looks good? what looks good? what looks good? (utensils clatter) well, um-- (clears throat loudly)

"modern family" will be right back. ♪ turn around ♪ every now and then i get a little bit hungry ♪ ♪ and there's nothing good for me around ♪ ♪ turn around

♪ every now and then i get a little bit tired ♪ ♪ of craving something that i can't have ♪ ♪ turn around, barbara ♪ forever i've been praying for a snack in my life ♪ ♪ and now i have a brownie ending all of my strife ♪ ♪ i finally found the right snack ♪ ♪

bam! wh-whoa! kids love to destroy things. not manny. he's always been a little bit too serious. i would make the buildings, and he would inspect them. and if they weren't up to code, ay, ay, ay, the paperwork. (laughs) i remember cam, one time, rolled a tractor tire right through a chicken coop. (chuckles) he was 3 at the time. (laughs) huh. i remember mitchell, one time, karate-chopped a plate glass window. got 17 stitches. ah, yes. i love that story. which one of the charlie's angels he was being again? that's not important. i think it was farrah. yeah, the thing i remember is, when mitchell told that story, how--how he giggled all the way through. i'm sure he wasn't giggling. oh, yeah, he--he was giggling, all right. (imitates high-pitched giggle) no, see, mitchell has a booming laugh. it's cameron, actually-- has the high laugh. you know... (imitates high-pitched laugh) no, i think mitch has a higher laugh than-- it's... (high-pitched laugh) no, it's... (high-pitched laugh)

listen to them. listen to them. best of friends. oh, man. i'm sorry i doubted jay. he's been lovely. oh, well, confession time-- he kinda didn't want to come. (laughs) well, you're gonna laugh because my dad was kinda hoping he wouldn't. wha? (both laugh) oh. they just needed to get to know one another better. i am so glad that we did this. yeah, me, too. (sighs) oh, that's so funny. wh-what did your dad not like about my dad? oh, well, you know jay. he's a teddy bear, but sometimes he can kinda come off as a tough guy. yeah, that's true. as an actual tough guy, you can kinda see how that would rub my dad the wrong way. oh, it's--i-i could see that, but, you know, my dad's actually pretty tough himself, so... oh, yeah, city tough, you know, not farm tough. uh-huh. you mean cities, where there are gangs, as to opposed to farms, where there are ducks? (strained voice) oh, boy. it's really jammed in there. yeah. why don't you hop on in there, dad?

my dad's got it. all right, let's see here. hang on, merle. wait. here. huh? hold. yeah, that's good. oh. (grunts) it's coming. we got it. we got it. oh, there you go. (mitchell) there you go. cam, why don't you go get us a couple of cold ones? we'll finish this job up in here. sure thing, dad. you earned it. yeah. good helping there, merle. okay. wow. it's hot in here. it's, like, 80 degrees. he did that so the meals on wheels lady had to take off her sweater. how do we turn on the lights in here? (electricity hums) of course. so, luke, now that we're here, you wanna take a minute and say what walt meant to you? nope. luke, you are going through something huge in your life, and i'm concerned that you're not processing it in a normal, healthy way. i'm sad. i'm so very sad. no, i don't just wanna hear what you think i wanna hear. i want you to really tell me-- hi. it's kim with meals on wheels. oh. hi, luke. where's walt? it is like a sauna in here. how does he stand it?

walt! i'm waiting for my hug! i have some sad news about walt. he's dead. what? he died last night. are you joking? no. he had a heart attack. a man died. you're-- you're smiling. i'm not smiling. you are, mom. it's kinda creepy. (man) well, hello? walt? (knock on door) (claire clears throat) what's going on? something happen to walt? mm-hmm. well, i'm sure you can imagine. he sick? (squeaks) he's in the hospital? (squeaks) oh, my god. just tell me. mm! okay. he is... (whispers) dead. he is? yeah, he's dead. what are you doing with your mouth? nothing. she's smiling. she thinks it's funny. i don't. i don't think it's funny. i'm not smiling. i'm not leaving this with you. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i just found out my face does this. wow, mom. that was so wrong. well, it's--it's called a coping mechanism, luke.

some people repress their feelings and some people just smile. but d--it doesn't matter. just put the tv in the den. let's get out of here. it doesn't go in the den. (grunts) it goes right here. i can see it from my room. sometimes i'd wake up in the middle of the night and look down here. if the tv was on, i knew he was up, and i don't know, i guess i'm gonna miss that. yeah. that's... yeah. oh. (sighs) (francine) is that any better? yeah, it still feels just, you know, a little wobbly. oh! oh, my god. okay, no, no, no. that's--that's fine. thank you. thank you. oh. okay, it's "go" time. (door bells jingle) oh, hey, doc. huh. it's okay. it's just a cramp. can i get you guys anything else? please, no. he's already made me eat

the world's greatest everything on the menu. whew. dad, why are you acting like this? is this about walt dying? no. it's about what he didn't do when he was alive-- have a special bond with his daughter. i don't want to be that kind of dad. i want to be eugene cernan. who's eugene cernan? "apollo 17" astronaut, last man on the moon, coolest dad of all time. when he was leaving the moon, he reached down and wrote his daughter's initials into the lunar surface. since there's no atmosphere-- they'll be there forever. wow. so every time she looks in the sky, she knows there's a message just for her. exactly. that's why dads everywhere hate eugene cernan. oh, no. ay, "hate's" a strong word. it's just-- i'm trying to make-- (vomiting) oh. oh, boy. honey. okay. i really wanna help, but you know when someone yawns, it makes you yawn? jay, i want to thank you for helping me do this. i know cam appreciates not having to do it all on his own. (sighs)

what? what's that face? you really wanna know? sure. sometimes i think you treat my son like the woman in their relationship. what? like those watches. cam's was all big and manly. the other one looked like something grace kelly would wear. well, that's just because mitch has a more slender wrist than cam does. that's all. it's skinny, not slender. and you're honestly telling me you don't cast mitch in the more ladylike role? are you saying cam is the wife in this deal? i don't think about it that way. it's not like it was in our day. husband went out to work. wife stayed home with the kids. they're both equal. neither one is the wife. (sighs) yeah. yeah. i know that in my head. it's just that it makes me feel a tiny bit better to think that the person he's spending his life with is a tiny bit of a woman. i get it. every time i start to feel comfortable with this thing,

some new part comes up i gotta wrap my head around. yeah, i guess we got no choice. yep. we got two sons, and they're gay for each other. i'll take it slow on the way home. (seat belts click) don't worry. canceling course for adventure. beep. boop. beep. bop. mm. you know what i'll never forget? the time my dad spent the entire day trying to create a special memory for me. or when a pregnant lady slipped in my vomit. hang on. (objects rattle) i wanna do one thing before we go. hey, you on your way home? just about. how's everything there? (laughter on tv) actually, it's pretty great. i can't wait to see you. me, too. i don't know. (seat belt clicks) i feel like maybe we should get some food on the way home.

don't. (gearshift clicks) maybe a nice tuna melt. (laughs) stop it. is inspected by the usda... but perdue asked them to go further. they verify that all our chickens are cared for in a clean, safe environment... and fed an all-veggie diet. no other chicken company does this. but at perdue, we believe in a better chicken.

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haley! oh, crap. listen, gloria. okay, everything i told you technically was not-- you lied to me so that you could have a party without supervision! oh, i had plenty of supervision. he was running around all night with his coasters and vacuum and his "make good choices" speech. good. somebody needed to be responsible. thank you. not you. you take rules too seriously. i'm in trouble? you are 13. you're not supposed to be vacuuming the party. you're supposed to be enjoying the party. exactly. a party that you shouldn't have been having! it seems like you're sending mixed signals here. yeah, maybe i should get my friends and just leave. no, you're in trouble, little young lady. you're having this party! what? they've been using glassware by the pool, putting feet on the furniture, and begging girls to kiss each other. yes! all the things that you should have been doing! yeah, all those things are fine. go. have fun and go crazy. but he's gonna ruin my party. two birds with one bullet.