my favorite way to relax? throw on my wireless headphones and disappear into the nature channel. man on tv: the young flat back turtle searches for food on the ocean floor. this flat back, however... the fascinating thing about nature is how, in the blink of an eye, it can go from a scene of total tranquil beauty to raw, primal violence. can you seriously not hear me with those things on? it's noise-canceling technology. give it a spin. it's got -- sweetie! focus. mom, why are you freaking out on everyone? because you are acting very irresponsibly -- all of you. listen, honey, luke has a giant project due tomorrow for school that he hasn't even started, and haley just informed me she needs 40 cupcakes for her school fundraiser, also due tomorrow. i'd like to point out i completed all my assignments on my own and on time. not now, alex. not now, alex. okay, look, i will take the cupcakes. you do the project. it's on vincent van gogh. done. okay, i need you to really stay on him, keep him focused. all right. i'm...actually gonna take a different approach,

but... actually gonna insist that you don't. claire, i know you've got your methods, but so do i. i'm sorry, but i'm not a micromanager. trust me, i can provide luke with the tools and guidance he needs without, uh, smothering him. you think i smother our child? it's not your fault, honey. "mother" is part of the word. you never hear of anyone being "sfathered" to death. alex: i know what luke's problem is. he's got adhd. no. no, i don't! what is it? i'd tell you, but you'd wander off before i got to the "h." just promise me that you will stay on him until this project is done. i will, but you might have a little more confidence in him. [ monotone voice ] wah. wah. no one can hear me now. whoooo! everybody is stupid, except me. ha ha ha. i am funny.

is this the cutest thing i've ever seen? you out here on the curb with your little telescope, waiting for your dad. it's not cute. it's -- it's science. tonight is the magnificent lyrid meteor shower. it's where the planet geek passes through the nerdy way. oh, you know i think it's sweet. every couple years, mitchell and his father, they go out and enjoy one of these showers together. well, i -- [chuckles] i wouldn't necessarily put it that way. i mean, yes, me and my father enjoy it because we -- we don't share a lot of the same interests. like, um, i-i never went to sports games with him. probably because you call them "sports games." just lose the "sports." just -- just "games." oh, here comes your shower partner. stop it! i'm kidding. have fun with your dad, okay? all right. see you later. don't worry about me. i'm not. i'm just saying, if you were. shotgun, sucker! [ jay chuckles ]

make sure your seat is exactly the way you want it

and feel free to play with any of these controls up here. i have no idea what they do. but i want mi car to be su car. cameron, are you okay? you seem nervous. uh, nervous? no, i'm...not nervous. i was nervous. i mean, when mitchell made plans with his father, i figured, why not spend the evening with gloria? i've always wanted to be good friends with her. on paper, we should be good friends. look at us -- one spicy, curvy diva -- and gloria. the problem is, i had a little, minor setback that we had to overcome from a couple weeks ago. i cannot stand hanging out with his ivy league friends. oh, they're the worst. they're not that bad. they are the worst. they're not that bad. are you kidding me? debbie can't go two minutes without talking about columbia university, and the little guy with the lazy eye from harvard. brown. whatever. honestly, i wish that tart would go back to columbia and take her weird little brown friend with her. [ chuckles ] cam, you need to relax. you explained.

not very well. so when i was said "brown people," i-i wasn't talking about your, uh, brown people. i was talking about people who go to a university, um, not your people. not -- not that your people couldn't go to college. okay, now i'm hearing myself say "your people" a lot, so... i'm just very excited because this is, um -- you know, this is our first night out together, so it's our little date. where are we going? make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and your tray tables are in the upright position, because i got us into palaiseau! [ squeals, chuckles ] fancy. i know, it's normally a 4-week wait, but the maitre d' is an old pilates brother of mine, so just one phone call. okay. palaiseau! [ chuckles ] ay, cameron, you know what? i don't know if i'm in the mood for something so fancy. can we just go somewhere, like, more simple? oh, of -- yes. yes, of course. we can -- what -- what do you -- what did you have in mind?

i don't know. how about a little latin place that i always used to go? that sounds fantastic. okay. i would love to see how your people eat. "your people"? what is wrong with me? okay, it's egg-crackin' time. now, i find the key to cracking an egg properly -- mom, i'm not a child. i can do it. okay. my mom's not dumb. you can't just ask her to do something for you. you have to very carefully put the cheese in the trap. uh, oops. i got a little shell in the bowl. and when -- when that happens, i find that i like to not dig it out -- i got it. it's okay. it's right here. oh, that's -- that's really gross. okay, i'm gonna -- i'll do this. you just...mop up. and...snap! is it bad that i feel sorry for her? so, how do i start? what do you think? i don't know. mom usually tells me what to do. join the club. i'm kidding. i love your mom.

we are going to try a new approach this time. now, your goal is to create a display about the life and art of van gogh, right? yeah. okay. i got your poster board right here, so pretend you're telling the story of his life to someone who has never heard of him. what do you put on that board? i see the wheels spinning, the spark of creat-- how do they get the lead in pencils? okay, let's try to stay on topic. hey, jay, look who thinks mercury is the densest planet in the solar system. i take it from your mocking tone that i am incorrect. the densest planet is earth. which makes you the densest guy on the densest planet. zing! [ chuckles ] fun. you sure mitchell won't mind me tagging along? are you kidding? he loves you. what are you worried about? i've never had a brother before. we never really hung out that much. kiddo, you are overthinking this. i just don't want to say the wrong thing. you can't. that's the beauty of having a brother. me and my brother were zinging each other all the time,

you know, like, "what's going on, fat boy?" "nothing much, jackass." you know, things of that nature. it's -- it's how brothers express love. hmm. shotgun, sucker! [ chuckles ] all right, this is all you need to know right here. apparently, the pencil's in two pieces, and they glue them together around the lead. what if we put all the stuff about his life on this side and all the stuff about his paintings on this side? luke, buddy, that's fantastic. and the best part is you came up with that by yourself. all it took was a little bit of focus and, uh... this thing is really loose. i'm gonna go grab a screwdriver, but you run with this. on your mark, get set, van gogh! hey, dad. he kind of looks like uncle mitchell, if uncle mitchell were insane. [ chuckles ] [ door closes ] mitchell: aah! i got sprayed by a skunk! oh! ugh! oh, you stink.

and not just at astronomy! blammo! what is happening? "modern family" will be right back.

"modern family" will be right back.

[ woman yells indistinctly ] i love this place. i was a little bit worried, because it's not exactly -- i...love...this place. [ chuckles ] i...was...nervous. i mean, there was a lot of different food on the menu.

and on the floor. and on the wall. are we -- are we sure we're not exaggerating just a little bit? were you there, mitchell? because i think i would've recognized the only other white or gay person. hola. ¿como esta? gloria! ¿como estas? desde hace mucho que no vienes. mi amigo cameron. oh, welcome. so, carnitas diablos? ah, you remember! claro. [ laughs ] uh, i'll just have the same thing. no, no, no, no, no, you should have the chicken enchiladas. mm-hmm. uh, no, i'll have the carnitas diablos. these are not for you. excuse me? they're too spicy. and this girl is used to it. yeah, he's right. i can spice you under the table any day, there, sweet thing. dos carnitas diablos, por favor. okay. okay. [ giggles ] [ grunts ] mitchell. of course. what was i thinking? [ sighs ] dad, can we -- can we just go home, please? we'll miss the meteor shower. the trouble is your clothes. just take them off. i think there's a blanket in the trunk. you sure, dad?

you're -- you're not worried i might stink up the blanket? don't worry about it. we just use it to cover up the seat for when manny's all sweaty after his tango class. if you don't sweat, you're not doing it right. [ laughing ] so, he was one of the best boyfriends i ever had. but he was gay. yeah, i figured that out after the first month, but i stayed for a whole year because the haircuts were fantastic! [ laughing ] it's funny, huh? cameron, come on, it's not that funny. are you okay? i'm fine. [ coughs ] are you sure? i love this place. [ coughing ] but your head is running water. no, i don't think it is. i told you it was too spicy for you! look at your shirt! no, i just need to get a little bit of a drink of something. no, no, no, no, no. cameron, the water makes it so worse. no! oh, you're right. that does make it worse. i feel like i ate the sun! and that is the secret to no lumps. see?

it's kind of fun. you make it fun, mom. mmm. listen to these symptoms of adhd and tell me it's not luke. alex. "easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli." "often impulsively abandons one task for another." that's where i left those. "a tendency to act without regard to consequences, often at the expense of personal safety." [ grunts ] "having accidents more often --" you know what? i think that that's enough, alex. we've -- we've got it.

okay, no. no. [ clatter ] phil? phil, honey, are you okay? yeah. remember those sunglasses i couldn't find? bingo! [ chuckles ] i asked you to do one thing -- stay on top of luke. for your information, your son is hard at work on an awesome van gogh -- got to fix that -- masterpiece. wait till you see. you're gonna be so surprised. oh, god, honey, i want nothing more than to be surprised, really. oh. i'm not surprised. okay, that's it. i don't want to hear anything about your new method of doing things. there's one thing that works with these kids, and that is staying on top of them, which, thanks to you, my friend,

i will now be able to do all night long. not happy, dude. you're supposed to be working. i am working. mr. potato head? really? i know what you think, but -- no, i don't want to hear it. i'm going down to clean up the garage. then i'm coming back, and i'm gonna stand over you until this thing is done, okay? ay, cam! why did you have to order that spicy dish? because i'm -- i'm a big idiot. and i wanted to have this awesome night between the two of us, where we end up best friends, uh, having lunch, buying shoes. okay! let's go have lunch! let's go buy shoes! really? yeah, why are you so surprised? i don't know. i guess i just always feel like i-i blow it with you, gloria. whether it's the colombian comment or picking the wrong restaurant --

the restaurant? that had nothing to do with you. i was just not in the mood to go anywhere that fancy after the stupid thing i did this morning. what did you do? i bought a dress. you monster. it was a very expensive dress that i don't need. i felt so stupid that when i got home, i couldn't even bring it inside the house. i left it in the car. i totally get it. i have a legendary hat story. i'll bet you look fabulous in that dress. yes, but anyone would look fabulous in that dress. [ chuckles ] you find that blanket? no. this was all i could find. shut up! really shows off your shape. okay. spin around, cupcake. let's see the caboose. [ laughing ] you get fries with that shake? [ laughs ] was that too far? there's a line, jay. i better go mop this up. oh, come on. where's the... [ clears throat ]

i'm sorry if things got a little out of hand back there, but in our defense, look at you. i mean, smell you. [ chuckles ] this is a fantastic apology. oh, don't be too hard on the kid. i was egging him on. if you're gonna be mad, be mad at me. done. i was just happy to see him laugh a little bit. you know, he's had kind of a tough week. i got sprayed by a skunk, and i'm wearing a dress that makes my hips look huge. i know he doesn't want me to talk about it, but he didn't get invited to this big party. some kids he thought were his friends think he's weird. now, you know me on this. i'm no -- i'm no good at it, you know? i-i never know what to say. well, that's true. but maybe i raised a kid who would know what to say. now, that's the only reason i invited him along, you know, because this astronomy stuff that's -- that's our thing. [ chuckles ] yeah, no, i'll -- i'll talk to him.

you know, you don't look that ridiculous. now, you -- you actually got the legs for it. dad -- no, i'm just saying, if you were that type of a gay... dad! you'd probably do all right for yourself. come on! [ sighs ] you know, i always had a sense it was dangerous down here, but i guess it's actually kind of charming, isn't it? no, it's not safe at all. i used to live down here, you know? what? yeah, that's why i come down here. look there. that was my old apartment. after i left javier, that's all i could afford. it's still part of me. hmm. you have to remember those things. you do. like you when you go to your farm. you remember that? i told you that a year ago. of course i do. you're my friend, you big idiot! [ both chuckle ] you know, this part of town might be very rough, but the people here, cameron -- the best. i'm pretty sure i had wheels when i parked here. ay-yi-yi! who did this?! oh, no, it's okay, gloria. who did this?! you coward sons of bitches!

it's okay, everybody! i'm -- i'm insured! what? you scared?! you scared to show your faces, little girls?! no, no, it's all right, everybody! huh?! cameron, wait in the car! cameron! gloria, i think it's drivable! gloria! phil: [ sighs ] just so you know, i'm going back up to luke's room, and i'm not leaving until he's finished. thank you. and i'm really sorry for not underestimating luke enough. well, that means a lot to me. the hardest part is he kind of takes after me with all this. hmm. like my lack of focus and your -- my what? i just love you. hmm? i did it. buddy! oh, my god. do you like it? i-i-i love it. did you do this? all him. i used mr. potato head ears because van gogh cut his ear off. and there's money, because his paintings sell for, like, a bajillion dollars, which is sad, because he died broke. yes.

that -- you were right. don't apologize. i'm not apologizing. apology accepted. luke, i-i really couldn't be more proud of you, and i am so sorry i didn't give you more credit. thanks. way to go, buddy. i got to go finish the cupcakes. [ chuckling ] no. she didn't. sweetie, can you hand me those? uh-huh. yeah, i can talk. [ chuckles ] what are you doing?! well, i showed you how to make them, and now you can do it yourself. come on, guys, let's go. well, good, because i really wanted to. okay. setting the oven to 700! i'm putting the eggs in the bowl! oh, i got some shells in them! uh-oh! are you serious?! [ sighs ] hey. hey, mitchell. so, i know you'd never, um...

i know you'd never -- never believe this by looking at me right now, but, uh, i used to get picked on at school, too. so, jay told you? yeah. yeah, they would, um -- they'd call me weird. i was weird -- fun weird. but i -- this is the funny thing about growing up. for years and years, everybody's desperately afraid to be different, you know, in any way. and then, suddenly, almost overnight, everybody wants to be different. and that is where we win. i'm sort of counting on that. [ chuckles ] i'm sorry i was picking on you too much. no, it's -- jay said that's what brothers do. [ chuckles ] well, we don't have to listen to him. brothers do that, too. okay, ladies, finish up your tea party. you're missing the show. i can't believe i was fighting over this guy, huh? check it out. oh, whoa. check it out. wow. awesome.

luke: why did he paint "starry night"? maybe 'cause the sky is beautiful and everybody likes looking at it. and it reminds us that something's up there watching over all of us. aliens, who could be here in a second to liquefy us and use us as fuel. so, wake up, people. we're next. mom? you better get down here! when ouwe got a subaru.s born, it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru is where she grew up. what? (announcer) the two-thousand-fourteen subaru forester. (girl) what? (announcer) built to be there for your family. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.

mmm! oh, my god. whoa! delicious. haley: uh-huh. i am so proud. oh, thanks, mom. i'm just gonna wrap these up. oh, you know what, sweetie? you're gonna be late for school.

just go. i'll bring them by later. are you sure? i'm done? yeah, get out of here, betty crocker. okay. so proud of you! [ retches, spits ] ugh! do we still have the number for poison control? i love you, claire! i've always loved you! my mouth is asleep like at the dentist. get over here, buddy. [ grunting ]

(hymn playing) (cameron) this week, the world lost a great man, and i lost a mentor. for nearly 60 years, professor ringmaster al uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona. "professor ringmaster"? it's a very prestigious title at clown college. one step below piemaster general. where's lewis? who knows? okay, guys, it's just us. lift on three. (honks horn three times) ♪ (slide whistle slowly descends) ♪

(splat) ♪ how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests? i didn't know you were on facebook. yeah. you said it was only for teenagers and people looking to have affairs. well, i figured if you can't fight it... not the having the affair. that's still bad. no. not that, but there's nothing wrong with catching up with a few old friends, right? or doing a little social networking with by b.f.f.s? social networking or social not-working? oh! you know what we gotta do? we gotta get a picture of us all together on a boat. i think that's a thing now. so what do you say? accept my friend thingy. i didn't get a friend thingy from you. yeah, you know, they have a lot of blocks on there to protect kids from weirdos.

mm. okay. good, good. i'll send it again. - great. please do. - (typing) please don't. we got her request the first time, but ignored it. i can't have her on there snooping around seeing what i'm doing at parties. or posting pictures of us on family vacations wearing old, dorky clothes. what? what's wrong with this? dad, check it out. i made one giant oreo. luke, what are you doing? you gotta eat it like it's an ear of corn. - genius. - aw. - wow. new suit? - new everything. kids, gather 'round. it's time for a life lesson. aren't we already gathered? let me tell you something. hard work, determination, and perseverance always win out. i am living proof that nice guys can finish first. today i have a chance to get the biggest listing of my career. oh, i have never seen this man so focused. i'm like a boxer before the big fight. that's why i didn't have sex with claire last night.

sorry, honey. (lowered voice) mm. it's okay. but as soon as i get this listing--ding! let's just stop. stop. (utensil clatters) i see you. what? i'm scratching. hey, mom? is it okay if i have a friend come over tomorrow? who? reuben? or the nervous one that gets the nosebleed? it's griffin cooper. griffin cooper? griffin cooper is, by far, the coolest kid in manny's grade. he's a terrific athlete, he's confident. manny's a great kid, sure, but he's not exactly cool. he can't even open a door cool. salutations, wyatt. i'm so glad you're joining me for an afternoon of mirth. ah, good evening, reuben-san. may i ask you to remove your shoes? tonight, we are going japanese. ah! hebalaboo ridabeley lai mubay rumboo. i invented a new language this morning. when did you guys become buddies? was it a football game in the yard? - you made a great catch? - no, that didn't happen. but the librarian told me one day i'll be a great catch.

i'm really not getting that relationship. why can't you just be happy that manny's making new friends? no. 'cause it doesn't add up. cool kids like griffin cooper-- they don't hang out with kids like manny. manny's very cool. maybe those kids are finally catching up to him. wait a minute. i get it. couple of days last week, i took manny to school on my motorcycle. griffin must think i'm pretty boss. yes, jay. it's all because of you. kids are looking for role models. why do you think fonzie was so popular? he told people that they were rich, but really took their money with his scheme? yes. those people were victims of a fonzie scheme. mm. - (vehicle approaches) - (exhales) it's showtime. (horn honks) hey, dunphy. you gettin' ready for your one-woman show? mitzi. mitzi roth-- a notorious poacher

in the world of high-end residential real estate. we call her the "nightmare on elm street," because she sold a lot of houses on elm street. what are you doing here, mitzi? i have an appointment. this is my listing. oh, i didn't think that was dotted line yet, jazz hands. no worries. i may have an interested buyer. - i'll bring him to you. - really? okay, but could you come back later? i really need to have them to myself right now. oh, yeah, okay. i completely understand. - okay, thanks. - you're welcome. wait. what? what are you doing? - (intercom beeps) - watch this. - (man) hello? - oh, it's mitzi roth. - and phil dunphy. - i may have a prospective buyer for your beautiful house. - i was wondering if maybe i could come in - hey, stan! hey, patti! and just have a look for a little while. - we've got a lot to talk about. - come on in. - um... - (buzzer sounds) hey, guys. yeah. i'm wondering if maybe we shouldn't be alone for this. i'm in. go back to condos, dunphy. oh, my god! this place is absolutely gorgeous. - (thud) - stunning. stunning.

- you are in such good hands with phil. - hey. - how are you guys? - i mean, fingers crossed, though. so many new companies go belly-up. - terrible. - well, good to-- good to see you, mitzi. - guys, how are you? - oh, no. no, no, it's fine. - it's fine. come and take a look. - yeah. - oh, thank you. thank you. - (whispers) mitzi, please! mitzi, please! please! - (normal voice) what are you doing? - oh, my god! he shoved me! - what?! - he shoved me! - for god's sakes! phil! - oh, my god! i thought you had your anger problem under control! - ow! ow! ow! - (yelling) i don't have an anger... (normal voice) i don't-- anger problem. i don't have an anger problem. hey. it's over? what the hell? you're an hour late. huh. good to see you, too, chuckleberry. look at that. your oversized pants are starting to fit. hello, lewis. hello, fizbo. for several years, i was one half of the renowned clown duo fizbo & lewis. we were huge. in children's parties. anyway, i disbanded the group shortly after i met mitchell. it's hard to have a relationship and a clown career.

that's the reason there are so many single clowns. (under breath) just one of the reasons. anyway, um, lewis hasn't spoken to me since. he's still bitter, and i don't blame him. it's kind of like i broke up the beatles. of children's parties. what do you say we hit a bar? tip a few back to al, huh? i heard you were in jail. yeah? i heard you're still doing that lame giant scissors bit, you blue-haired hack. who's in? - i'll go. - i'll go. - yeah, sure. - just give me a minute. i gotta redo my lips. - all right. - cerveza. what about you, fizzy? you gonna come or you gonna break up this party, too? (laughs) (groans) hey, shotgun, bitches! i should, you know, probably go. - you know, for al. - oh, yeah, no, of course. but, hey, listen, don't let him get to you, all right? no. it's fine. it's all seltzer under the bridge. just one drink, and then i'll be home. okay. just drive me home first? no, you, uh, you-- you take the car. i, uh, i'll go with the guys. in that tiny car? how are you all possibly gonna... - forget i asked! - (engine starts) (revving engine)

playing "thunder and blazes") - (lily giggling) - it's 5:00 in the morning. daddy's juggling! lily, honey, what are you doing up? - are you just getting home? - things got a little out of hand. somebody had a flower that squirted tequila. what do you mean "somebody"? i want full credit. - what up, red? - really? teach me to juggle! the key is to be aware of where everything is at all times. (giggles) - (thud) - oh! - (laughs) - (lewis laughs) and don't forget the importance of balance! oh! - whoa! - okay. okay. come on. i think i cracked my eggs. we're out of eggs? are you yolking? and i haven't eaten in five days! (lewis crying) five days! are you cereal? - whoa! - (thud) lily, don't ever do that. ♪ - okay. you two are deliberately not confirming me. - (turns off tv)

everybody else has accepted my facebook requests-- your father, uncle mitchell...adele. that's right. adele has agreed to be my friend, and my own daughters haven't. you may just be a fan of adele, and-- what is so private that i can't possibly see it? nothing. nothing. you just don't want to be my friend. you're not gonna believe this. mitzi got the listing. oh, no, honey. that's awful. she cheated, she lied, and she won. kids, gather 'round. again, we are gathered. you wanna get ahead? don't play by the rules. turns out nice guys finish last in this cold, dog-eat-dog world. why don't you play dirty, too? you could take her down. honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. - he has values and morals and-- - shh. - you. keep talking. - you could take my spy pen and record her admitting what she did. and then you could play it for those people so they realize what a jerk she is. your dad is never gonna do-- you're a regular chatterbox today! get me that pen! (doorbell rings)

- i got it! - (jay) remember, pal, keep it simple. hey, manny. griffin--legendary creature of greek mythology with the head of a lion and wings of an eagle. what'd you say, jay? never mind. jay pritchett. nice to meet you. nice to meet you, too. you know, i, uh, i saw a little of that basketball game of yours last week. you were lightin' it up. thanks. i was lighting it up, too, jay. - (drum corps playing) - (chanting) who's hot? we're hot! mustangs are hot! (imitates horse blow) hey! hola, griffin. how are you? oh. i'm fine. so what do you boys have planned for today? it's kind of a surprise for griffin, but let's just say it involves decoupage. - oh, geez. - (manny) come on. let's go. good-bye. - (ascending footsteps) - oh, no. - what? - you were right. this boy is not here to see manny.

i told you. you see the way he looks at me? no, fonzie, the way he looks at me. he couldn't talk. he kept staring. he was just like my teachers back in school. gloria, you're very pretty. but the kid idolizes me. really? griffin! manny! do you want to go with jay to ride his motorcycle, or you want to go with me to the supermarket and buy a couple of onions? - motorcycle rides! - onions sound good. guess he has a thing for you, too. (singsongy) hey! we're back! hey, i just finished cleaning the kitchen, so if anyone has to do a spit take, please do it over the sink. we felt really bad about that, so we got you a present. what--what's the deal with this? i open it up and snakes fly out, or a fire? no, we just know that you like to read. - yeah. - so open it. - (laughs) - aah! got him! (chuckles) no. no. that's exactly what i expected. 'member, when i told you? okay. look, it's almost go time, so we should have a shot and go white up. excuse me. "white up"?

oh, yeah. lewis got a call to do a birthday party this afternoon, so we're gonna put the old act back together. yeah, fizbo & lewis, together again. and they said it would never happen. said. hoped. could i talk to you for a second? uh-oh. trouble in queer-a-dise. okay, look, gonna go out to the car for smokes. please tell me "smokes" is not another clown, - 'cause i don't think i could handle another one of him. - (door closes) oh, lewis is not that bad. well, what do you see in that guy, cam? i don't know. maybe the fact that he doesn't roll his eyes every time i talk about the art of clowning... - (snaps fingers) - like that. we were great together. we had an unspoken language. we finished each other's balloon animals. but you would never know, because you have never been to one of our performances. - birthday parties. - you hate my clown side. no. i don't hate it. just admit it. i basically already know you do. cards on the table. - it's not my favorite thing that you-- - oh, how dare you? i am a clown. it's who i am! if you squeeze me, do i not honk? - eye roll! - oh, like i had a choice! (knocks on door)

knock, knock. what are you doing here? hey, um, i brought you some soup. you know, i thought about it, and maybe i did push you. so... how's the ankle? oh, come on, dunphy. you know i flopped. that was all a ruse? the oldest trick in the book. you need to step up your game, son. you know what? i almost feel sorry for you. come here. give me a big hug. oh, yeah. yeah. no hard feelings, huh? - none at all. - good. because i just recorded your entire confession... (loudly) right here on my... spy pen? second-oldest trick in the book. um... oh, god. a real man would have just poisoned the soup. are we... done here?

"modern family" will be right back.

ah. thank you. hey, mom. guess what. griffin invited us all over to his house for a pool party and barbecue tonight. pool party, huh? yeah, and he said bring your swimsuits. he was pretty adamant about it. - it's 50 degrees outside. - sounds fun. great. i'll call him. you know, you're basically agreeing to a date with a 13-year-old boy. we use this go get us tables at restaurants, why can't we use this to get manny a friend? because he's not really getting a friend. oh, but when you thought that he was trying to ride your motorcycle, it was okay. maybe now i don't like what he's trying to ride. manny likes griffin. maybe someday, if they spend enough time together,

griffin will like manny. what? griffin doesn't like me? no, no, no, papi. he loves you. but you just said someday griffin will like me. that means he doesn't like me now. you know what, kid? we think that griffin might be hanging out with you because he's got a little crush on your mother and me. - on you? - wow. i can't believe it. - you're gonna be fine. okay? - (whispers) i'm sorry. are you kidding? it's fantastic! how is it fantastic? i'm only hanging out with him because i have the hots for his sister chloe. you've met griffin. the kid's a doorknob. so you're just using him? yeah, and i felt really guilty about it. now it's a win-win. - not for me! - just suck it up, mom. i've done a lot for you over the years. jay, you, too. this girl could be the one. then i'm out of your hair forever. pool party, mom. dress accordingly. (grunting) can you help me reach that box of cereal? ugh. hey. you're mitzi roth. i recognize you from your ads. smokin', right?

i'm luke dunphy. my dad's phil dunphy. i'm sorry. why do you hate him so much? it's just business, kid. it's not personal. well, it's personal to us. i've never seen my dad so worried before. i have this spy pen, and i heard him talking to my mom, and he's scared about paying for my sister's college next year. and i guess he's nervous about some kind of party, because he said there's a big balloon payment. anyways, he's like the best dad ever, so maybe you could be a little nicer to him. there you are, buddy. check it out. they're giving away free jelly beans. hey, mitzi. dunphy. you have a very nice kid there. he's mine. (children shouting playfully) hey, so i was thinking after, uh, little fizbo, we could do the ladder bit. ah, crap. i forgot the ladder. you know what? i'll remember it next weekend. what's next weekend? we got a town fair in thousand oaks

and a birthday party in pasadena. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. i-i can't do that. w-what do you mean? i'm the one with outstanding warrants in pasadena. we're taking lily to the aquarium next weekend. you know, lewis, this was just a one-time thing, right? what happened to "we're putting the act back together"? well, that was just for today. - oh. - i'm sorry if you thought... no, no, no. i get it. you're a family man now. hey... let's go out there and make this the best show fizbo & lewis have ever done. you got it, partner. ladies and germs, boys and girls, say hello to my good friend little fizbo! (cheering) hello, big people! (all) hi! (laughter) let's get this party started! ♪ (laughter)

wow, all this dancing sure has made me hungry! wish i had something to eat! heh! oh! (laughter) oh, forgot i had that fish over there. don't know why he's so mad at me! (clenched teeth) he was fine just a minute ago. ohh! okay! somebody's a little punchy today! (laughs) oh. hey. what's the frying pan doing here? when did we add a frying pan to the act? we don't need-- nope! don't need the frying pan! why are you doing that? stop doing that. (lowered voice) screw you, you traitor. - (clang) - ow! that hurts! seriously, stop it! know what hurts? abandonment. (laughter) listen to 'em laughing. we could have been something. we could have been some-- i can't do this bit by myself! (grunting) (laughter) - (thud) - uhh! somebody! somebody! this isn't pretend! someone grab an adult, please! (laughter) (knock on door) mitzi. your kid forgot his cereal. there's a surprise in every box.

spoiler alert-- it's diabetes. you drove all the way over here for this? you can have that listing if you want it. - what? - yeah, the couple are a real pain. i'm too old for that kind of headache. just keep your mouth shut about it. - thank you so much. - i just said "zip it"! - oh. you did. - unbelievable. - i'm so sorry. but thank you. - (mutters) bye! kids, gather 'round! - we are right here! - oh. let me tell you something-- people are fundamentally good. the key is, you find that goodness deep within 'em. twist it, and turn it to your advantage. hello. psh! and... there she is. what are you gonna hit? college, balloon payment, greatest dad ever. nice. do you want me to squirt some tears in your eyes? (scoffs) dad, please. i was fake crying before i could walk. how do you think i got out of eating all those salads? (grunting) - can you help me reach that box of cereal? - ugh.

oh, hey. you're mitzi roth, right? - i recognize you from your ads. - (jellybeans clattering) smokin', huh? i can't believe you got that listing back! - sweetheart! - honey! oh. - honey? - mm-hmm? ding? (inhales deeply) you sure you wanna ding a chatterbox? - mnh-mnh. - oh. uh... honey... (lowered voice) buddy, quick-- what's the trick to those fake tears? the three stooges are all dead. (voice breaks) yeah, that's good. is inspected by the usda... but perdue asked them to go further. they verify that all our chickens are cared for in a clean, safe environment... and fed an all-veggie diet. no other chicken company does this. but at perdue, we believe in a better chicken.

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well, it looks like somebody likes coldplay. - mm. right. you saw. - uh-huh. did you see the pictures i posted from thanksgiving? totes adorbs. - i'm going to kill myself. - hmm. you gotta check out my wall. right there. "spring break, 1990, new orleans." is that you? what? some guy from your college tagged you in a picture. what is "tagging"? what is "tagging"? - (laughs) - why are you drinking out of a funnel? and why is his hand on your... - (both laughing) - untag it! oh, my goodness! un--untag it! girls, i'm serious! untag it! tear down the wall!