>> i like you, too, jason. ok. bye. you didn't hang up either! [laughs] ok, on the count of 3. ready? 1...2... 2 1/2... ooh! ok, you hang up first. no, you... [beep] >> your happiness is making me uncomfortable. >> oh! you idiot. now i have to call him back. i hate you, joaquin. >> that's more like it. >> get off the phone, brianna. we have to get to the tv station. >> argh! >> ok, joaquin. honey, get dressed. >> i am dressed. >> sweetheart, calm down. >> honey, i am in charge of this year's telethon, and it has to be a success. >> everything's gonna be fine, all right? the center for the kids will get the renovations in no time. >> ok. well, last year they raised over $80,000.

now, the hospital said that they would match anything over $100,000. we can do this. >> that's right. we can definitely do it. >> right? >> of course! i mean, how can it fail? ok? especially since i'm gonna grace the stage with my talents. >> this is gonna be a disaster! >> hey! >> oh, will, not because of you. mack tight's people haven't called yet. >> who is mack tight? >> he was on "america's best dance crew," and he killed. >> i betcha he don't know nothing about no shabba-doo. whoo-hoo-hoo! >> shabba-who? isn't that the cartoon dog? >> don't worry, sweetie. he was way before your time. mine, too. >> please, you know you had a job when breaking was out. >> ohh. >> this is as good as it gets. telethon, here i come. ow! >> wow. >> well, thank you. >> you look, uh, nice, miss cora. >> well, thank you. well, hopefully, i sound as good

as i look. it's my first time singing on tv. >> oh, it's just a local access channel. >> [chuckles] >> cora, you don't have to be so nervous. >> well, why would you say i'm nervous? >> because your dress is inside out. >> [laughs] >> what are you laughing at? you should be getting dressed. >> what is wrong with what i have on? >> [laughs] >> hey, maybe i should add a song to my act. >> no! >> no! >> what? >> uh...where is mr. brown? wow. do you think he's still upset over not being in the program? >> no, i'm sure he's over that by now. >> mr. brown! it's time to go! come on. >> i'm coming. i don't even know why i'm going since i'm not in the show. you in the show, he in the show, they in the show. everybody in the family in the show except me. >> mr. brown... >> i don't know what the problem is. >> come on, we talked about this, and you said you'd help out in any way that you could. >> yes, that's when i thought i was gonna be a featured part of the show, before the family just kicked me out. y'all won't care nothing about me, but i'll help y'all with y'all stankin' show. it's ok. i don't care. by the way, joa-comb, i like

your outfit. >> mr. brown? you don't have to-- [door slams] >> i better go change. restaurant dinner to anom a authentic italian dinner from bertolli can save you over $1,000 a year. the average restaurant dinner is over $10.50 per meal. a restaurant-quality meal from bertolli costs $5.00 a serving. so by replacing just one restaurant dinner a week your family of four could save over $1,000 a year. delicious dinner and dessert from bertolli, backed by walmart's low price guarantee. save money. live better. walmart. more than 50 times a day? so brighten your smile a healthy way with listerine® whitening plus restoring rinse. it's the only rinse that makes your teeth two shades whiter and two times stronger. ♪ listerine® whitening... power to your mouth.

listerine® whitening... it's an opportunitye to stop and savor, the unmistakable taste that reminds us that life is delicious. >> i can't believe nobody didn't help me with these bag. come on, cora. >> i wish somebody would have gave me a hand. >> oh, you need a hand? ladies and gentlemen, miss cora simmons. give it up for her. give it up. >> i mean with the bags, mr. brown! >> oh, you're gonna give me a ruptured spleen. >> and you would take the lightest things. >> that's the one i wanted to get. >> just lazy... >> oh, guys, this is so awesome. and there is our host, john door. >> hey! >> hey, john. >> it's "doe." >> why is it spelled "door"? >> the "r" is silent. >> the--the what? >> the "r." >> the what? >> the "r" is silent. >> oh, i'm sorry. i couldn't hear it. let me go get ready. the "r" is silent... >> wouldn't that be "doo"? >> no. "doe." >> oh, like "foe"?

>> no, "doe"! >> a deer! a female deer! >> come on, guys! how do you not recognize mr. doo-doo--doo-doo-doo--doe? >> doe. >> doe! >> doe. >> he was in, uh, uh, uh... >> "thriller"! >> "thriller"! >> really? >> oh, yeah. the big one. >> [gasps] >> the georgia tech revival one, you know? the--the--yeah. >> oh... >> you scan up on your tv, the third zombie on the left. the... >> mack tight is in the building. >> [gasps] >> mack tight! >> we are so happy you could join us, mr. tight. ok... >> you know what? how about i introduce you to mr...ha ha! >> doe. >> doe. >> doe. >> now, will somebody take mack tight to his dressing room? >> we will. [indistinct talking] >> oh, wonderful. >> anyway, anyway, who else--who else do we have on the show? >> oh, i'm so excited you asked. we have a singer, an amazing

ventriloquist, and a, uh-- >> [laughing] a clown! >> is your daddy out here? >> [laughs] oh, man, come on-- >> you keep--you keep on, you're gonna get clowned. you don't know who i am. >> just--just playing with you. that's sharp, man. you know, rubik's cube want their colors back. >> [laughs] no, no, no, real talk, real talk. >> all the comedians out of work, and you want to make jokes. >> [laughing] >> you look like an undertaker. >> him in the tight pants... >> how about we go over those intros, huh, mr. doe-door? >> i don't need to go over intros. this is what i do, baby. >> ok, uh... >> only thing i'm gonna do is say, "hey, coming to the stage, give it up for..." all right, give it up for big willy and little buddy! [applause] >> whoo! ha ha! >> thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. >> how do you know they're clapping for you? ha ha ha. >> because only one of us is real, and the other one is a

dummy. [laughter] >> you're not too bright, but i wouldn't call you a dummy. ha ha ha. [laughter] >> i was talking about you. >> ow! i know, when you said one of us is real. ha ha ha. >> no, i'm the real one. >> well, i'm not the one arguing with a dummy. ha ha ha ha. >> all right, guys. let's hear it for big willy and little buddy! whoo-hoo! [applause] the phone lines have been lighting up, and we are $57,000 closer to making the children's center renovations a reality. right now, i'd like to recognize our tireless volunteers who are dedicating their time to our efforts. [applause] first up, we have none other than colonel jackson. >> $20?! now, i know homeless people who pledge more than that! look, stop dropping babies all

over the place, get off the welfare, and stop buying rims! oh, and thank you for your time. >> ok. and here is my good friend and co-worker renee. now, you guys want to stay tuned, because she'll be performing a little later in the show. hmm-hmm! so, renee, how's it going, huh? >> uh, you want to donate $1,000? oh, that's so generous! what's your name? say that again. >> wow, guys. $1,000! who is that, renee? >> ivanna tinkle. wait a minute. you know what? that is not funny! you know what, if you guys are gonna call in here and play on the phones like that, i am going to kill you in your throat. twice! >> yeah... even the kids are doing their part to help.

and now i'd like to introduce you to my wonderful, beautiful, ladylike daughter, brianna. >> you better tell her to keep her skanky little hands to herself, ok? jason left her for a reason. he wanted to go from ashy to classy. [burps] when did i have sausage? oh, um, so, much money would you like to donate? >> back to you, john. >> um, uh, coming up next, we got a wonderful praise dancer that's gonna come out here and blow this thing wide-open. she is awesome. she is unstoppable. give it up. show your love for the wonderful renee! [drumroll] >> no, i want a saddle. no, i don't have a horse. know what? saddles are not just for horses! get out of my business! >> renee... >> oh, it's my turn? >> yeah. renee!

[drumroll] [applause] renee! >> [chuckles] >> all right. you ready? >> uh-huh. [music plays] >> [gasps] [grunting] [scoffs] [panting] [electronic feedback] [music ends] >> you finished? >> uh-huh. >> renee! [applause] >> thank you. >> oh, that--that--you know, that, uh, that dance was, uh... >> spiritual. [panting] and touching. >> uh, any shout-outs? >> oh, yes, yes. hey, pookie. and to my kids.

thanks for watching my kids, pookie. toni and braxton, mwah! >> all right. those are not your kids' names. they can't be toni braxton. >> are you laughing at my kids? >> no. just talking-- >> you laughing at my kids? i will kill you in your throat! door! >> the "r" is silent. >> well, that's dumb. and the "d" is not dumb. >> send some money in also for anger management. uh, thank you very much for that beautiful dance. all right, y'all, mack tight is up next, but, first, this guy right here is so dark, when he walk into the kitchen, skillets start giggling. all right, coming up next, crispy the fire swallower. [applause] [music plays] >> ...2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, ah. >> got me sweeping floors. i should be in the show. >> impressive, huh? >> you ok. >> "ok"?! hey, mack tight ain't never

been "ok." >> i can believe that. >> you know what? ahem! i'm feeling a little parched. why don't you go grab mack tight some water? >> oh, no, he didn't just say "grab me some"--mack tight better watch who he talking to before you get run over by this mack truck. >> can you please get mack tight some water? >> mr. brown told me to tell you, "get your own water." >> whatever. >> whatever, you. what you doing? that's wack. i can do that. we used to--that's all--you got to come around for... [clank] >> oh! [ female announcer ] this is laura. laura's being healthy and chewing her multivitamin. with one-a-day vitacraves for women! it's a great-tasting gummy multivitamin designed for women with more calcium and vitamin d. it's gummies for grown-ups.

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>> you up? no, he's still knocked out. what am i gonna do? ok, mr. tight? ahem. oh, mr. tight? i didn't hit you that hard. stop acting like a little old girl. >> brown! >> [gasps] >> brown! >> aah! aah! >> hey, brown! >> uh, ahem... >> brown! look here, it was too quiet over here, so they sent me to check on you. >> yeah, colonel--why they gonna send you to check on me for? i'm a grown man. ain't nobody got to check on me. >> brown, what'd you do to him? >> i ain't do nothing. he sleep.

it help his back when he sleep on something hard. >> you done knocked him out. >> colonel, well, if y'all didn't want him knocked out, y'all shouldn't have left him back here with me. colonel, what we gonna do? >> "we"? [oui] when did you become french? >> since i knocked out monsieur mack right here. colonel, you got to help me, please. >> well, what you want me to do? >> do like you used to do in the war. just turn around, walk away, and do nothing. just--just... >> all right. i know what to do. >> thank you, colonel. >> ha ha ha. cora! >> you--! >> brown done hurt the hip-hop boy! >> you make--in your face. >> [chuckles] >> mm-hmm. >> mr. brown, what did you do?! >> cora, him fell down. >> what do you mean, "him fell down"? >> he done knocked that boy out. >> you hush! ain't nobody ask you nothing. >> well, can you go out there and stall, colonel? >> well, i don't have anything prepared, but, uh...

yes! >> you sellout! >> mr. tight? mr. tight? i can't believe you, mr. brown! that's why sasha wanted you out of the way! >> cora, you--you act like you ain't never knocked nobody out! >> no, i ain't never knocked nobody out at a time like this! >> well, what time did you knock somebody out at? >> you-- >> you done knocked somebody-- you can't judge me if you done... throw the first rock if you ain't never knocked nobody out. >> mr. brown, now, how are we gonna raise $100,000? now, you done knocked the--oh! you always messing stuff up. >> i said i'm sorry! see? you done got me in trouble with everybody. you ain't that hurt. i ain't even hit you that hard. it didn't even go "clunk!" it said "clunk." you make me sick. >> uh, so, uh, well, how many pisces we got in the house? hey! pisces, raise your hands! raise your nubs. raise y-- >> colonel, you're making us lose money. look. >> i didn't do that.

that's not... >> colonel jackson! [scattered applause] the jokes...the jokes not going too good. he's up here sweating like mike tyson in a spelling bee. anyway, uh... coming up next, i want y'all to show some love as we try to get this money back up, because somebody took all the money back. those bad jokes were m.i.a. uh, give it up for miss cora simmons! cora simmons. maybe she can revive us. [applause] whoo! >> whoo! >> whoo! yes, how you doing? >> all right. >> all right. save us, save us, save us. we need some money up here. >> uh-huh. >> all right. what are--what are you gonna sing for us? >> [nervously] "his eye is on the sparrow." >> say what? >> "his eye is on the sparrow." >> ok. "his eye is on the sparrow." >> yes. the sparrow. >> ok. all right, ladies and gentlemen. kill 'em. all right, cora simmons! [electronic feedback] >> ♪ why should i feel discouraged ♪

♪ and why should the shadows come? ♪ ♪ why should my heart feel lonely ♪ ♪ long for heaven and home ♪ when jesus is my portion? ♪ a constant friend is he >> we're running out of time. >> ♪ his eyes are on the sparrow ♪ ♪ and i know he watches me >> come on. >> ♪ i sing because i'm happy ♪ i sing because i'm free >> ♪ because i'm free >> ♪ oh, his eyes are on the sparrow ♪ ♪ and i know he watches me >> yeah. cora simmons! >> it's my song! it's my song! >> cora simmons. all right! cora simmons! y'all, give it up! phone lines are blowing up!

yes! yes! lookit there! >> stay tuned, folks. we are swiftly closing in on achieving our goal--$100,000! >> whoo! >> whoo-hoo! >> whoo! >> and when we come back... >> yes! >> ...none other than mack tight is gonna come out here and put us over the top! >> yes! >> whoo-hoo! >> about that, about that. [whispering indistinctly] >> what the [bleep]?! >> sasha. >> after these messages... >> ♪ we'll be right back >> give it up for jimmy! oh, man. [chuckles] [scattered applause] don't have to worry about him juggling bowling balls anymore. good luck to you. hey, you forgot one. [thud] >> ow! >> whoo. hope he already got kids. >> hi. >> how many times you gonna change clothes? >> [chuckles] >> i had this suit on all day. >> [whispering indistinctly] >> ok. >> [whispering indistinctly]

>> ok. thank you. thank you. um, i'm sorry to announce that mack tight will not be performing tonight because-- >> because we found a better dancer! ♪ uh-huh, uh-uh, uh-uh >> mr. brown, you look like rerun! what are you doing? >> i'm saving your show. >> no, you are making a fool out of yourself. >> well, whatever i got to do, just call me captain save-a-show. >> [laughs] can i make three wishes? [laughs] >> i wish you were gone. i wish you were gone. >> can you even dance? >> what?! yes, i can dance. i have you to know that i am leroy s. brown. and the "s" is for "so i know i can dance." yes. y'all back it out. deejay, hit it! >> come on. [hip-hop music plays] >> what--what are you doing? [needle scratches record] [music stops] >> i'm cutting a rug. >> it stinks. >> you stink. >> now, get out of here and let mack tight show you how it's done. >> all right, give it up for mack ten.

>> it's mack tight! >> aw, man, whatever, man. you know, i was in that "thriller" video from georgia tech revival. >> and you didn't even wear no mask, i bet, did you? >> hey, thanks for keeping the stage warm for me, old man. >> what? you know, i'm getting sick of you talking noise to me. >> ok, ok, yeah. i bet you are. >> i know you just didn't touch me. >> [exhales slowly] now, hit it. [hip-hop music plays] >> what's taking you so long? i can get it. hey! >> yo, man. you in mack tight's way, old man! >> mack tight in his own way with them old wickedy-wickedy wack moves. >> wack? >> wack. >> why don't you put your feet where your mouth is? >> you--i'm about to kangaroo-kick you right in your face... >> that's not what i'm talking about, man. >> ...before i stomp you. >> i'm talking about a dance-off between mack tight [chuckles] and the old man. >> i know you didn't just touch my chest. as much as i've been working out. >> mr. brown, you don't want to do that. [chuckles] mack tight is a professional

dancer. >> that's right. >> well, i'm a professional janitor. that mean i'm about to sweep the floor up with this boy. pull it tight in. >> bring it. bring it. come on. >> it's already brung-t. go! it's back. olive garden's buy one, take one, just $12.99. choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today, like smoked mozzarella chicken. and take home a second entrée for later. buy one, take one just $12.99. go olive garden.

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[hip-hop music plays] >> boom! now, get off my stage! [music stops] >> whoo! [applause] >> oh! >> we are one dollar away from achieving our goal! aha ha! [applause]

>> uncle brown, do--do the move. get 'em with the move. >> hit it! [hip-hop music plays] [ding] yeah! yeah! [cheers and applause] >> mr. brown, you did it! >> i'd like to thank my mom and my dad for doing what they did to get me here. and i'd like to thank academy for not being so political and letting the real people win. >> whoo!

carrie: no, dad, that's crazy! dad, i am not driving 2 hours upstate to bring you your centrum silver. stop calling them your meds. you can buy them at 7-eleven. well, you're acting like a lunatic! yes, you are! fine. you know what? good-bye! now i feel bad. why? why? i just yelled at my father and called him a lunatic. that has to be wrong. my god. what if something happens to him and that's the last conversation we ever have? then you're off the hook. damn it, and when he left yesterday i kissed him and told him i loved him. if he was gonna die, that would have been the day. if it happens now, i'm screwed. call him back.

no, no. it's stupid. besides, you know what? you yell at him all the time. you have way worse karma than i do. actually, the last thing i said to him was "nice haircut," so i'm good to go. hi, daddy, it's me. listen, i was a little short with you before, and i'm--i'm sorry. i love you. no, that does not mean i'm making the drive up. because i'm saying sorry for yelling at you, not the other part. well, too bad. i'm not making the drive up, crazy man.

i'll see you in 5 hours. captioning made possible by sony pictures television ♪ (hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back) ♪ ♪ when you see him comin' better cut out on the double ♪ ♪ (hey-la-day-la my boyfriend's back) ♪

(it's alive... it's alive!) make your halloween come to life. twizzlerize your tricks and treats with twizzlers. the twist you can't resist. ok, a little tip next time you try to hook up surround sound. red goes in red. yellow goes in yellow. you know what? i've had enough with you and your high-tech mumbo-jumbo. can i plug it in now? can i? come on. no. i'm working with live wires here, man. yeah, i want to see your skeleton. see if you get that chattering teeth thing going. zzzz-yay-yay-yay. put it down. what? good god. are you two still at that? it's not my fault. he hooks up a stereo like a woman. doug, why are we even doing this? the sound on the tv is fine. does it surround us? no. stop embarrassing yourself. [cell phone rings] oh, that's me. [ring] hello. hey, mom. what's up? oh, my god.

when did it happen? what? my great-aunt died. oh, no. oh, honey, i'm sorry. excuse me. just give us a second, you guys. sure. yeah. oh, that's a shame. yeah. look, is the evening over? 'cause deacon really didn't finish up here. a person died, ok? and you're worried about your surround sound? well, it's just at this point i have no sound. come on, carrie. it's just a great-aunt. it's not like a regular aunt. it's like--i don't know. it's like wax fruit. ok, any chance you could act appropriately here? yeah, fine. what's appropriate? what do you want me to do? you want me to cry? you want me to shake my fist at the heavens? why her?! i don't know. i just think we should be doing something for them. i-- like what? i don't know. make them tea or-- tea for a great-aunt?! that is way over the top! hey, sweetie, how's kelly doing? uh, she's all right.

i mean, her great-aunt's been sick for a while, you know? still it's sad. yeah, but not as sad as a regular aunt. what? you guys want some tea? uh...no, thanks. we've got a lot to figure out. you know, travel arrangements, who's gonna stay with the kids. can i use your phone in there? of course. thanks. should we offer to stay with the kids? who, us? really? yeah, why not? i mean, we are the godparents. i just thought we were done with that after we gave him the savings bond. doug, i'm just thinking maybe we should offer. what do you think? hey, sweetie. how are you doing? he-ey-ey-ey. i'm ok. we just have to go to chicago tomorrow for the funeral. did you find anybody to watch the kids yet? no. our regular sitter can't do it. we have to keep trying. uh-huh. uh, hey. crazy thought, you guys. how about we stay with the kids?

really? i--i mean, that's really sweet of you, but it's just-- it's a lot of stuff. look, you know what? we can handle it. two of them, two of us. right? plus we're bigger, right? sure. why not. ok, then. all right, great. great. yeah. great. so, uh, where are we at with the speakers? i got to tell you, this is gonna be good practice for us. you know, kind of like a driving range for parenting. buy a bucket of babies, tee 'em up, and see how you do, right? huh? what's the matter? they hesitated. what? who hesitated? deacon and kelly when we offered to watch their kids. they did not. yes, they did. they clearly did. especially kelly. i mean it was so obvious that she wasn't thrilled about us doing this, doug. her great-aunt just died. she was out of her head with grief. no, no, no. they hesitated, and not-- not 'cause of you. because of me. i mean, i'm not a kid person.

they--they could smell it on me. i mean, everybody's always saying, oh, children are our future. and i'm like, whatever. you're gonna do fine. no, no, i'm not, doug. i mean one little nose wiped on my blouse, and i'm gonna be looking for some gin. oh, my god. oh, my god. i'm starting to get that panicky feeling. like before i fly. let's not do this, doug. let's call them and cancel. cancel? carrie, this is not a dinner reservation. they have nobody else to watch their kids. well, i think they should bring 'em to the funeral. it's good for kids to see dead people. that--that little kid in the movie saw-- saw dead people all the time, and he seemed fine. he wasn't fine. he was a little freak. now pack. ok, i got all our phone numbers right here. phone numbers, great. i labeled all the kids' food. it's in the fridge. oh, it's in the fridge? oh, good, 'cause that just saved me a wild goose chase. are you sure you're ok doing this?

uh, ok? yeah, i think so. i just wish your great-aunt would have died sooner. i'm kidding. i'm kidding, sweetie. she's in a much better place now. i'm sorry. yo, hon, we got to go. ok, ok. bye, sweetie. be good. kirby, watch out for your brother. ok. miss you, little man. kirby: miss you. thanks again, you guys. carrie: oh, come on. yeah, we owe you big for this one, guys. no prob. you guys have a safe trip. hey, we should be thanking you. well... we're on our own. uh-huh. so far, so good. so far, so good. well, i will see you later. whoa! whoa, whoa, whoa! you're leaving now?! yeah, it's one of my work saturdays. wasn't the uniform a tip-off for you at all, or... right. right. wait. wait. how about this? how about you stay here with the kids, and i'll go do your route? huh? sign here, ma'am. how hard could that be? honey, will you relax? the kids are gonna love spending the day with you. now, just show 'em your gentle, nurturing side.

i have a gentle, nurturing side? i believe it's in there, yes. oh, you're gonna do fine. ok, ok, all right, hon. i love you. i love you. bye, kids! bye! all right. hmm. hi. hey. tch tch tch. where's my mommy? your mommy? yeah, where is she? uh... sweetie, don't you remember saying good-bye to her or... where is she? ok, um, your mommy went to a place called chicago because somebody died. what's "died"?

i don't know. doug: honey, i'm home! carrie: i'm in the kitchen! hey, kirby. hi. the kirb-man. curbside check-in. uh-oh. uh-oh, here comes the heffernan headlock. oh, that's right. oh, no. off the top rope! he's in trouble now! uh-oh. oh, boy. is he gonna lose his wwf belt?! it's gonna happen. how do you feel? i have to pee. ok, ok. hey. hey, so... no one's missing, and you're not drunk. i'm guessing things went pretty well today. i gotta tell you, honey, i rock at this. i actually took them both for a walk, had this guy in a snuggly, little legs going-- frickin' adorable-- came back here, watchelmopalooza 3 times in a row,

and fielded some very tough questions about bert and ernie's relationship. hey, sweetie, wash your hands... with soap! huh, huh, do you see this? it looks like somebody got hit by the mommy truck. i know. i guess i always had it in me. who knew? come on, baby, dinner! i can't believe, with all this going on, you made dinner. yep. hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, and fish sticks. good god, it's christmas morning. here, honey. i'll cut this in half for you, ok? hey, look at this. is this a family or what? i mean, not exactly the way i pictured it, but still.

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ok, baby's tucked in, and kirby's asleep, and p.s., i'm pretty damn good with shadow puppets. i mean, he was terrified at first, but i got him back. oh, what-- what's going on here?

what? this is where we're sleeping. don't deacon and kelly have a king-sized bed in there? yes, they do, and we have this. sealy posturepedic! doug, get off of their bed! make me. come on. i'm not gonna make you. i feel very uncomfortable in here. will you relax? we're celebrating. what are we celebrating? that you're not gonna be the sucky mom we always thought. ok, but only because you already messed up the bedding. all right. oh, look at this. dimmer switch, huh? oh, we are styling. whoo, whoo... whoo-ahh... hey, stop it. you're making me nauseous. you just want music. [slow r&b plays] oh, yeah...

i am mellow. all right, come on. turn down the music. you're gonna wake the kids. all right. so you, uh... proud of your big day? yeah, a little. well, you should be. you were so great with those kids today. when i came home, and i saw you holding major, i don't know, i just-- i guess i liked the way you looked with a baby attached to you. i mean, not literally attached to you. that would be gross. i like the way you looked, too. i love you. i love you, too. and goal! whoo! wow, the lighting really helped.

[door creaks] what was that? i don't know. was someone just in the doorway? i don't-- i don't know. hey... how's it going? what happened? did kirby see us having sex? possibly. what does that mean? we didn't get into a long discussion. well, what did you say to him? i said, "hey, how's it going?" and what did he say back? he said, "good." oh, my god. how could we do this? how could we have sex in our friends' bed? what are we, mountain people? what does that mean? it means it's wrong, ok? it means nice, young couples from queens do not do it in their friends' bed with their friends' children sleeping 10 feet away from them! i need to make things clean again. come on, what did we do that was so bad? w-we're two married, mature people engaging in a timeless dance called love.

doug, we were on their bed doing it in front of their 5-year-old son. and thanks to that mirror over there, he also got the reverse angle. first of all, he's 5 1/2, and he knows what's what. he's gonna tell deacon and kelly. that's why they hesitated because they knew i'd screw up, and i did. why did i let you mount me? ow! first of all, we don't know what he's gonna tell them. in fact, we don't even know if he saw us, right? right. tomorrow morning, we'll get up and we'll feel him out. we'll see if there's even a problem at all. ok? ok? ok. all right. come on, let's get a good night's sleep. what are you doing? hey, sleeping on a sofa bed is not gonna bring back that boy's innocence. all right, sweetie. stop moving around, or i'm gonna get tape stuck to your little--

oops, i'm sorry. honey, i cannot get this diaper on him. i've totally lost my mommy groove. you talked to what's-his-face? no. not yet. hey, buddy, what's up? what's going on there? hey, playing with your little schoolhouse here. this is fun, huh? hey, you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna take this pretty little teacher here and, oh, let's go with this farmer guy right here, and you tell me if you see anything that looks familiar. [country accent] howdy, ma'am, my name is farmer jones. [falsetto] well, hi. i'm mary lou... henner. whoops, i slipped. [as farmer jones] well, let me help you up with my pants off. whoops, i slipped, too. now we're wrestling up and down. larry flynt, you wanna tone it down a notch? kelly: hey, guys. we're home! mommy!

hey, you're back. hi! hi, hi, hi, hi! we caught an early flight so we could relieve you guys. these little monsters treat you ok? ok? they were fantastic! but enough about us. how was the funeral? you have fun? not as much as you'd think. yeah, death. not a fan of the big "d." what's going on? everything go all right? ok. yeah. smooth sailing. we, um... we gotta go. yes! yeah. you don't want to stick around, have some coffee? oh, no. you know what? if we're gonna tear ourselves away from these kids, it's gotta be quick, like a band-aid. yeah. you know, you rip it right off, it hurts. but she's off in a jif. we're outta here. yeah. ok. bye-bye, you guys. all righty. oh, man. if bologna smelled any better, i'd wear it. how can you just sit there and eat? kirby is probably telling them what we did right now.

yeah, but look. they've been home for, like, 2 hours now. if he was gonna say something, he would've done it already, wouldn't he have, huh? wouldn't he have? i need a pickle. might have. i don't know. look, even if he did see us, he probably forgot about it already. i mean, do you remember anything from when you were 5? no. not now. but he's still 5. you don't forget instantly. [telephone rings] oh, my god. that's them. i know it's them. i can tell by the ring. it's an angry ring. [ring] [ring] [ring] [ring] yes. oh. you know what? we're not interested right now. ok. thank you. who was it? someone selling a subscription... to teen people. oh. why'd you say we weren't interested?

you know teen people's number by heart? i am not calling teen people. i am calling deacon and kelly. oh, come on. why are you calling them? i--i can't stand this. i need to know what they know. if you want this to go away, then don't pick at it. yeah. let me pick. hey, kel, how you doing? yeah, uh, we just wanted to call and see how the kids were doing. 'cause we miss them so much. mm-hmm. really? ok! well, then we'll see you there. ok. bye-bye. they want to take us to dinner tonight. to thank us. hey! there you go. you don't take perverts to dinner, right? i know i don't. see that? it all worked out fine. he saw us. he didn't see us. it doesn't matter. he kept his little trap shut. and then this one says, my shirt's dirty.

we need to put it in the whooshing machine. see, he meant to say washing machine. he didn't say that though. he's hilarious. hilarious. hey, buddy, want some more of my ice cream? uh, you guys have been generous with your desserts, but i think he's had enough. oh, he deserves it, just for being so cute and yummy. he's not so cute when he's vomiting. ok. hey, what you drawing there, kirb? a picture of doug and carrie. oh, isn't that sweet? love him. and what they were doing last night. uh, we don't really need another picture. yeah. you know, we got pictures up the butt. you know what i'm saying? we do. yeah, but not from my child. he signs and numbers each one. hey, bet you can't do an outline of my hand. i don't want to. go ahead, try it. do it. color it in red. make a little turkey out of it. gobble gobble gobble. would you let the boy draw his picture, man? all right. all right. i heard drawing makes you gay. hey, you guys have been acting very weird since we got back. what's the deal?

all right. uh, t-the truth is, uh, we have something to tell you, and, uh, this is difficult for us. he...makes things up. it-it's true, like his drawings, uh, for instance. usually they're like the opposite of what actually happened. done, mommy. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- we're gonna take this. public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute to book this fabulous hotel. michael, tell us why you used priceline express deals well you can see if a hotel is pet-friendly before you book it and i got a great deal without bidding. and where's your furry friend? i don't have a cat. save up to 50% during priceline's fall hotel sale. use promo code"fall5" for even more amazing savings on any express deals hotel.

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♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ hey! must be the honey! unisom sleeptabs help you fall asleep 33% faster and wake refreshed. unisom. a stressful day deserves a restful night. so i'm guessing this wouldn't be appropriate ato hang on our fridge. i wouldn't mind. you'll notice he was very generous with me. i noticed. ouch.