[ telephone rings ] honeydew, what's up? guess who's here. your dad! [ laughs ] he drove his r.v. all the way up from cocoa beach. hey, son. working hard? he's gonna say, "hardly working." [ chuckles ] i meant to tell you he was driving out. did he say it? oh, yeah! [ chuckles ] good kid! he wasn't supposed to show up for a few more days. well, guess what he brought us. a dog...to keep. yes! yes. yes, i should have told claire about the dog. and i was going to. but i-i was just waiting for her to be in the right mood. actually, i did get one "right mood" a couple nights ago, but...i cashed that in for something else. am i in trouble? oh, really, really big. okay, i'm a little scared. how bad is this?

oh, well... we have a new rule -- no sleeping in the bedroom. mr. pritchett? ben. ben dugan. i went to high school with mitch. we were in the drama club together. that's right. yeah. geez, i didn't recognize you without that old-guy makeup on. you know, you and mitch knocked "the sunshine boys" out of the park. mitch was really great in that. i always thought he should be an actor. eh, he's got a real job now. he's a lawyer. ah. how about you? still acting. fantastic. actually, it's exciting. i'm in a new movie -- "maple drive" -- just came out. you're kidding me. look at me -- i know somebody famous. uh, anyway, i got to go. great to see you. good to see you, too. yeah. kid's a movie star. hey, how'd it go in there? no cavities, and i got a free toothbrush. hey, you want to go to the movies? i just heard about a good one. but i'm supposed to be in school. you're supposed to floss, too, but you got away with that one. come on. let's go. one of the greatest days of my life was when my old man sprung me from school

and took me to the track. i wanted to do the same type of thing for manny. plus, i figured when gloria heard about it, maybe it pays off in the bedroom. i wonder if that's why my old man did it. oh, crap. frank: your mother-in-law just had to have the dog. turns out she's allergic. phil: was there a twister in kansas? 'cause there's a house in my driveway. [ formally ] welcome home, mr. dunphy. [ formally ] always a pleasure, mr. dunphy. indeed it is, mr. dunphy. place it there. ah, i shall, i shall. [ normal voice ] i miss this. get in here! my dad is awesome. he's awesome. he's always up. he's always happy. i mean, he and i are best buds. we're like two peas in a pod or siamese twins or a snake with two heads. they've actually been all those things for halloween. yeah. hey, this must be scout, huh? i should warn you -- he sheds. i made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it. [ phil laughs ] pardon the language.

how's mom? speaking of big feet, eh? she is on a cruise with her girlfriends, some of which are not totally unattractive. mm. uh, that reminds me -- she sent some gifts for the kids. um, i will be right back. you three get better acquainted. will do. fun. will do. i cannot believe you got a dog without consulting me. this was a major family decision. it was wrong. yeah. and i'm sorry. mm. but we have talked about getting a dog for years, and you're the only one who wasn't into it. because i knew that i would be the one taking care of it. that's not true. oh. no, we will all help. mm-hmm. this is a great chance to teach the kids responsibility. that is exactly what you said about luke's paper route. [ newspapers thudding ]

hello? is anyone in there? [ gasps ] [ sighs ] [ gasps ] [ gasping ] red's a good color on you. aah! [ gasps ] it's just a movie. haley: oh, he's so cute! look at his little face. i always wanted a dog. thanks, grandpa. okay, but remember, having a dog is a major responsibility. everyone in the family has to pitch in. can do, mrs. d. not you, dylan. oh, phew. 'cause i got a lot on my plate right now. hey, look who's here. uncle cam. hey, we heard about the new addition, and we had to come right over! cameron, so good to see you again. now, that is a shirt. oh, well, thank you, frank. i get them online. i'll send you a link. oh, well, at home, i smoke sausages. i'll send you a link.

[ laughing ] classic. and this must be lily. oh, yes. she just couldn't wait to meet the new doggy. i think she's good right here. let me get in there and get some of that dogginess. oh, there it is. haley, i got to go. what's wrong? that was brian. he just quit the band. what? why? he's moving to portland. his parents got back together. oh, that sucks. i know. now we're gonna have to cancel the gig tomorrow. maybe you can find another drummer. no, i think it's too late for that now. i play drums. huh? well, i mean, i haven't played in a while since lily's come along, but if you're in a jam... i can jam. well, you know, i totally would, but i'm not sure we like the same sorts of music, you know? oh, what, because i'm gay i'm just gonna want to play show tunes? no, because you're old. wow, that hurt more, dylan. give him a chance. it's better than canceling. you're right. i don't want to lose the deposit on that fog machine.

okay. let's do it. [ breathing heavily ] how you doing, buddy? [ gasps ] all right, relax. [ door opens, closes ] [ frank crying ] oh, geez.

i am telling you, phil, the man was crying. that is impossible. my dad is the happiest guy on earth. it probably just sounded like he was crying. have you heard the noises he makes when he gets out of a chair? no, i know what i heard. i think this has something to do with your mom. what? yeah, he came here alone. think about it. she's on a cruise. yeah, and they never take separate vacations, so... no. no, if something was wrong, my dad would tell me about it. no, phil, he wouldn't, because you guys never actually talk about anything. we talk all the time. he crank-calls me at work like three times a week.

crank calls don't count. it counts for fun. no, honestly, i think that you should find out what's going on with your dad. it's going to be nothing. my dad isn't like your dad. there's nothing deep and dark inside. his hard candy shell is just...hiding more candy. [ scout barks ] i think he wants to go out. good boy. smart dog. i hate to break it to you, but i think all dogs can do that. i'm gonna play outside. [ clattering ] ow! [ grunts ] what happened? okay, should i just play a little something? yeah, but, you know, if it doesn't work out, don't feel bad. well, hopefully this is -- this is like riding a bicycle and will all come back to me. [ bass drum thuds ] that's the loud one. so...here we go. [ arrhythmic drumming ]

hmm. oh, silly me. i had the sticks in the wrong hands. [ rhythmic drumming ] wow. dude, you should label those sticks. [ clicks tongue ] [ doorbell ringing repeatedly ] is that the alarm? has our perimeter been breached? it's not the alarm. the doorbell won't stop ringing. maybe a demon is ringing it. not a demon. ay! who keeps ringing the doorbell? we're pretty sure it's a demon. oh, yeah? [ grunts ] there. [ ringing stops ] if it were a demon, it would keep on ringing.

not if he's already inside. i'm getting a weapon. what were you thinking? who takes a little boy to a horror movie? that's loco, jay. this is no big deal. you want scary? when i was his age, i lived through the cuban missile crisis. i slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case i had to fight some soviet colonel. what are we talking about? look, all i'm saying, being scared is part of growing up. manny will get over this. it builds character. i'll take the first watch. you two might as well get some rest. it's gonna be a long night. character. dad? frank: come on in. it's open. hey. don't tell me -- you need a cup of sugar. [ chuckles ] nah, just, uh... i was just wondering, i don't know, uh... anything on the old noodle? other than a bad toupee? i'm kidding, of course. this is my real hair. well, okay.

wait a minute. i want to ask you something. am i'm putting you in a bad position with this whole dog thing? claire seemed a little...put out. oh, don't worry about it. claire didn't like me at first, either. [ laughs ] i can't blame her. dismissed. oh, dad, um, you know what? i, uh... claire saw something, and she'd kill me if i -- if i didn't ask. what is it? would you wear pants to breakfast, for crying out loud? [ laughs ] you got me again. right in the funny bone. all right. come on, scout. let go of it. no, no, no! ugh! dog. look at this! how did he get ahold of your bra? well, uh, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so -- how do you think? he got it out of the laundry basket. i can't take my eyes off that dog for a second. why don't you just keep him in the crate? i tried that. he figured out how to get out. i thought you were dealing with your dad. oh, yeah. i did. he's fine, so... whoa, you got that from a two-minute conversation?

i asked him point-blank if he was okay. he said he was, so i just -- just swapped some jokes and moved on. phil, the man needs more of a push than that. look, if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. geez, someone's panties are in a bunch. i thought i was showing concern and -- no, right there. oh, my god. that damn dog. luke: guys, a little help. i have to go to the bathroom, and i'm not gonna do it in here. [ rhythmic drumming ] hey, i got chinese. sweet! i'm starving. oh, we have guests. yeah, hey. we were just having a little jam session. you know dylan. this is craig. this is neal. i'll always remember him as the stranger holding my baby. can i talk to you in the kitchen for a second? uh, yeah. uh, hey, guys, let's -- let's just take five. what's up with "21 jump street"? oh. oh, well, their drummer quit, and i'm gonna fill in for him tomorrow night. no, no. we have pepper's après-ski fondue party tomorrow night, cam.

oh, no. so you'll just have to tell your band that they're gonna have to find someone else. you know what? no, i'm not gonna let these fellas down. i made a commitment. you made two commitments, okay? and you know how pepper is. everything has to be perfect. he gets mad if you don't wear a big sweater. [ sighs ] i just feel like i kind of need this. to round out your college applications? it's just that because i'm always home with lily, i just feel like i'm going a little bit stir crazy. look at the den. every time i finish painting it, i start all over again. it's like the golden gate bridge. [ crickets chirping ] aah! yeah, we got to fix this. don't go away. "modern family" will be right back.

"modern family" will be right back.

distinct conversations ] hey, what's with the big sweater at a concert? is that a gay thing? no, dad, it's for my friend pepper's après-ski fondue -- yeah, yeah, it's a gay thing. good news, you two. you're getting your driveway back. i'm hitting the open road in the morning. oh, already? yeah. anxious to get home and see mom, huh? no, i'm just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me, which is usually into the next lane. can we get some sodas, grandpa? okay, but just one. i'm driving. come on. he's not going home? he's never been away from my mom for longer than a doctor's appointment.

honey, i know. i told you. i always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers. it turns out i'm one of them. it's a miracle i didn't end up a stripper. hey, thanks, everybody, for coming out. these are some songs we wrote. 1, 2! 1, 2, 3! ♪ baby, don't leave me ♪ i just, i want you to know ♪ ♪ i want you to know ♪ there's something inside me that i cannot control ♪ ♪ i cannot control our boyfriends totally rock! i know, right?! well, the plan was to watch him for 10 minutes and then run out to pepper's party. ♪ ...my veins ♪ my blood runs... but he was so great up there, how -- how could i leave? ♪ but don't be afraid ♪ i'll be your vampire it was his moment. come on! wow! i know! [ drum solo ]

and his moment went on for a really... really long time. [ solo continues ] turns out, i could have run to the party and made it back for the end... of his moment. manny, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed, okay? your bed. can i watch tv? only 10 minutes. okay. [ television plays ] ben: hey, jay, it's ben dugan.

i got your message. uh, yes, i'm happy to help out. i'll swing by tonight. what's that? that's ben. that's the guy who was in the movie. i figured when manny sees him, sees how nice he is, he'll realize it's all pretend. you think that will work? that guy's a sweetheart. manny's gonna spend two minutes with him. he'll explain how the movie's made. he's even bringing his fake machete. thing's made of rubber. [ television plays ] [ knock on window ] hey, are you manny? i'm here for you! look what i got. aah! mom, he's here! que pasó?! que pasó?! que pasó?! ay! we're gonna need a bigger bed. [ knock on window ] jay: oh, geez. oh, my god. i think that's him. [ laughs ] hey! you stayed.

yeah. well, you know, i'm -- i'm with the band. i thought the gig was a little sloppy in spots, but i think once i learn all the songs... i thought -- i thought this was a one-time thing. are you kidding? we destroyed in there. did you hear that one lady screaming my name? that was phil. he had a red bull. hey, guys, good gig, huh? yeah, totally awesome. heck of a gig. hey, guys. hey. i thought you were in portland. no, my parents broke up again. i'm not moving. i can stay in the band. well, this -- this is awkward. uh... cam. oh, a-awkward for me. good luck following that, ringo. i believe this belongs to you. i don't want to drag the house along with me. come here, you little monkeys.

bye, grandpa, we'll miss you. i wish i could take you with me. yeah, drive safe, grandpa. i'll try. you sure you don't want to stay for breakfast? no, i ought to be hitting the road. whelp...adiós. phil: dad, hold on. hmm? can i talk to you for a second? sure. guys. i don't think you're being honest with me. i-i know something is going on with you. what's up? something up? well, my boxers are, uh, riding a little high. i'm not in the mood for jokes right now, although you nailed that. thanks. thanks. great stuff. thanks. it's nothing. oh, it's nothing? nothing to do with mom? no! well...yeah. i've fallen in love. oh, my god! who is she? he. what?

it's that little guy right over there. come on over here. come on. come on. there you go. oh, look at him. driving across country, this little bastard nuzzled his way right into my heart. didn't you? so, this is just about you not wanting to leave the dog? well, you should tell mom. those three days on the road with him were the happiest of my life. you should leave that part out. i don't want to keep scout if it makes grandpa sad. yeah, i know, sweetie, but grandma has allergies, so scout has to stay with us. well, she could always just get some allergy shots. honey, you don't want to put her through that. well, hell, back in the day, i got a vasectomy for her. dad, dad, please. scout's -- scout's your dog. he should go with you. [ sighs ] okay, you twisted my arm. [ laughs ] thanks, son. thanks for poking through the armor. you're poking through the armor down there. what? made you look. [ both laugh ] you are a treasure.

come on, scout. let's mosey. oh, oh, oh, oh, wait. he loves that. oh, i bet he does. no, scout. this time, i drive. you still got it! i can't believe i'm saying this, but i think i might have actually gotten even closer with my dad. i can't believe he took my dog. bye, pop! bye, grandpa! love you! bye, dad. bye, grandpa! i love you! luke, stay! luke, stay! come back soon! i'll see you later! luke, stay! luke! stay!

mom swaps one of my snacks for a yoplait. i don't mind, i mean it's orange crème. and when mom said bobby was too edgy... 'sup girl. i just swapped him out for tyler. 'sup girl. mom never questioned bobby again. two can play at this game.

[ female announcer ] swap one snack a week for a yoplait. and everybody wins. yoplait. it is so good. frank. hey, jay! good to see you. great to see you.

didn't expect to find you here. well, listen, when my granddaughter's boyfriend's band plays an under-21 club with my daughter-in-law's brother's gay partner, i show up. that's just how i was raised. i don't think you met my wife, gloria. hola. well, it's a pleasure. you are a lovely woman. you must be frank. okay, then. you are hotter than a las vegas sidewalk on the 4th of july. [ laughs ] did i go too far? not you, frank. no.

, please, please, please. okay, what is this? we're making sure i'm tall enough to ride all the rides at disneyland. without having to spike up my hair. buddy... (tape measure retracts) we are good to go. sweet! i have been waiting for this day ever since the doctor pointed to the ultrasound of your mom's womb and said, "either that's a fifth limb, or you got a boy." okay, no. gross. oh. all right... (can hissing) i want everybody to eat a lot at home because "the happiest place on earth" is also home to the most expensive churro on earth. come on. this is gonna be awesome. who doesn't love a day at disneyland? can't you and mom go without me? you're the kid. i think we need you to get in. it couldn't come on a worst day. the technology sector is tanking. we're doing a stock market project in school, and today's the last day. we all get a thousand fake dollars to invest, and as the market closed yesterday, i'm in the lead. i may not be the tallest or the most athletic,

but someday i will be the richest, which is good because the ladies love that, and i've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. do you really wants girls who only want you for your money? i'd like to have that option. manny, put the stock away and put your ears on. mom, i don't think you have to wear one of these. be a kid! put them on! really? those shoes? what? do you know how much walking you have to do at disneyland? why do you think they have so many fat people on scooters? i like wearing the high heels. i'm fine. it's just like that jacket you refuse to bring when i say, "take a jacket." (imitates gloria) "don't tell me what to do! i'm fine!" (normal voice) huh? and you're not fine. you're cold and shivering, and i look like the jerk who won't give his wife a jacket, so i do, and then i'm cold and shivering. are you done with your boring jacket story? because we're going to hit traffic. (singsongy) tell you one thing. i'm not gonna give you my shoes. (doorbell rings) ah! that must be ethan. who's ethan? didn't i tell you? my friend bethenny's nephew is coming with us today. he moved to town to go to college.

he's very nice, very smart, big hockey player. i know what you're doing. really? she was so subtle. haley has a thing for bad boys, which was so me. (sighs) clearly. so if she's going to be leaving the nest soon, we'd prefer it was not on the back of a motorcycle. my college roommate had a motorcycle. mm. man, i had some good times on the back of that thing. i'm not gonna babysit bethenny's nephew. alex can have him. okay, i don't need your rejects. (opens door) hi. hi, ethan! i'm so glad you could make it. thanks for inviting me. sure. hi. i'm al-- my 14-year-old sister. (giggles) ethan, was it? yeah. oh! ♪ (haley) and that's my grandpa and his wife gloria and her son manny. you guys have a big family. (giggles loudly) big family.

(whispers) she likes him! yeah, who wouldn't? where'd you find him, a tommy hilfiger catalog? (laughs) he got a 2200 on his s.a.t.s. and those eyes... okay, did you get him for haley or for you? mitchell. (laughs) you know, i haven't been here since dad brought us when we were kids. ohh, yeah. remember? you cried in the abraham lincoln thing. (laughs) hey, he's a great president, and it was the first robot i ever saw. when claire and mitchell were young, their mom and i were gonna take them to disneyland. but that morning, dede and i got in this huge fight over something or other-- surprise, surprise-- and i ended up taking them on my own. claire's biggest fear was running into the evil queen. my biggest fear was that i married her. okay, people over 46 inches, first stop--indiana jones! have fun on the teacups, lily. (laughs) okay, let's do this. oh, okay, wait just a second here, everybody. all right. is that a leash? no, it's a child safety tether. this way, sweetie. it--it's a leash. don't--don't judge us. (clicks teeth) go on.

lily is going through a phase-- at least... oh, we hope it's a phase. she bolts every chance she gets. lily! lily! lily! so we had no choice to put her on a child safety tether. it's a leash. and we did have a choice. lily, sweetie, don't pull. lily, heel! dad. if i'd had known you guys were gonna do this, i'd have brought stella. it was cam's idea. so much for the united front. i'll have you know, despite all your jokes, lily enjoys it. woof! woof! (groans) oh, my god. okay, sweetie, you're not helping. (laughs) oh, my god. you guys, is that dylan? (haley) what? (claire) oh, geez. dylan?! oh. hey! uh, what are you... i didn't even know you were in town. either did i... know you were in town. this town. anaheim. i thought you were still in wyoming. oh, shoot. you know, i, uh, gotta meet up with some friends and i'm... really late. it was nice to see you, haley, and everybody. hi. and dude i don't know. i'm ethan. it's nice to meet you.

and polite dude i don't know. did haley used to date that guy or something? yep. you date her, that's the club you're joining. mm. of course he would still look amazing. does he? i hadn't noticed. did you know that ethan plays the trumpet? no great surprise with those lips of his, huh? coo-coo-ca-choo, mrs. robinson. okay, buddy, moment of truth. yes! yeah! whoo! (laughs) this is gonna be so awesome! yeah! look, reuben, i have some underperformers i have to unload, and i don't have access to a computer. log in as moneydelgado-- manny! by all means, reuben, go get a popsicle while the nikkei closes. i wanna be a pauper. come on. mom, my stocks just took a dive. your phone is about to take a dive. come on! where do we want to go next? oh! ethan and i want to try the haunted mansion. there is no you and ethan. let's go to the jungle cruise. it's right there. why? tired of walking in those heels?

you tired of being with a hot wife? well, well, well. what do you know? another caring parent with a child safety tether. we're not the only people who use them. hi! aren't they adorable? (chuckles) oh, and look at your cutie! (chuckles) oh, well, yes. she just wanted to say hi. oh. sorry. they're a little feisty today. no problem. she's friendly. oh. rex, gentle. oh, his--his name's rex, huh? (laughs) yeah. oh, okay. lily, no, sweetie. lily, um... stop moving, sweetie. stop moving. okay, you got this. okay. okay. good girl! good girl! sorry.

you know what the fight with dede was about? i taped a football game over an episode of "dallas." who bails on a family trip to disneyland over something like that? ironically, dallas was playing in the game. and i remember pointing that out to her, and then i remember a video cassette flying at my head. oh, look at this. i think i've inadvertently set up my 14-year-old with a college boy. the boy was your doing? yes. yes, and he was perfect, and haley was into him until, of course, we ran into dylan.

i mean, come on, dad. what are the odds of that happening? it's a small world. yes, it is. you see what i did there? i did. 'cause it's a ride. got it, dad. it's so frustrating because... i know i can't run haley's life for her, but if she would let me, i would be so good at it. right, 'cause parents always know what's best for their kids. you remember that nice girl at the office i tried to fix mitch up with? no offense, dad, but i think i probably have a better sense of what my kids need than you did. i think it's cute you think that. ohh. (luke laughs) mom! it was so awesome! the jeep was jerking around... uh-huh. and--and there was a lot of sharp turns and big drops. uh-huh. uh-huh. it just kept going. wow. you okay? (laughs) yeah. great. why wouldn't i be? (chuckles) because you're kinda leaning on me. well, isn't that what a marriage is? ohh. oh, alex, stop touching him. oh. you look like hell. i feel a little dizzy. i think that ride did something to me. the fluid in your inner ear is thickening. that's what happens when you get old. it is? yeah, you can't take the motion. i gotta pop a dramamine to get in my swivel chair. that is not it. i'm king of the roller coasters.

i think i just put too big of a whipped cream smile on my pancake this morning. you guys wanna go on matterhorn? luke, i think me and your dad are gonna sit this one out, maybe get one them big pickles. no! you're gonna have to eat that pickle on your own, jay. i still got a few good years left. luke, wait up! i'll race you there! i'm good. i'm good. (sighs) okay, everybody's looking at us. i haven't been judged by this many people since i forgot my canvas bags at whole foods. maybe they're staring because we have what they want. what? oh, a pet daughter. is that-- you know, i don't care what people think. if i thought it would keep my daughter safe, i would have a kangaroo pouch sewn into my midriff. that's gonna work out really well for you as a single parent. okay, we just got a glare from mr. socks-with-sandals. all right, that's it. lily, i'm gonna take off this leash. i think it's a mistake. but i don't want you to run away, 'cause that would be very, very unsafe, and if we lost you, you'd be very scared, and we'd be very sad. okay? okay. all right. see, cam? you treat her like a human being and she acts like one.

chip 'n dale! oh, great. now she's chasing squirrels. lily! honey, come on! lily! lily! (screaming) how was splash mountain? it was great! maybe we go again. no, thanks. there was no reception in there. you know how many bars i had? zip-a-dee-doo-dah. (cell phone rings) (gasps) reuben, talk to me! must be nice to get out of those shoes for a minute. i don't know what you talking about. nothing. i'm just making conversation. check it out. i bought one of those souvenir photos with you and manny on the ride. boy, it looks like you're having a good time. wait a minute. what's that in your hand? are those shoes? i'm not even sure that that is us, jay. why are you walking around in pain? just admit the shoes were a bad idea. i am not in pain. i just didn't want my favorite walking shoes to get wet there. okay, my bad. well, we've gotta meet everybody in tomorrowland, so we'd better get movin' 'cause it's all the way on the other side of the park. (laughs) i'm fine.

you just try to keep up with us. (mouths word) i can't take this. (train whistle blowing) (luke) whoo! whoo! (phil) okay, go. dad, throw your hands up! it's fun! oh, yeah, it is fun! whoo-hoo! (laughs) yay! (laughs) aah! whoo! yay. aah! whoo! whoo-hoo! reuben, if you heard about that stock at a birthday party, it's already too late. (mouths word) (jay) gloria! gloria, sit down for a second. i'm fine, jay. please? (sighs) look... you may not be in pain... okay. but i'm in pain just thinking you're in pain. so humor me for one minute. what are those? there wasn't a big selection at the bibbidi bobbidi boutique. are you crazy? i cannot walk around in public with these... things. they're so yellow and so ugly. and... and they're so softy and so comfortable. jay, what is this? thank you for going shopping for me.

thank you for worrying about my feet. thank you for giving me your jacket when i'm cold. you're such a good man, jay. thank you. mmm. wow. i didn't expect you to be so... so nice. why are you so surprised? now please don't go all latin on me when i say this. is it possible you get angry from time to time because you're always wearing... uncomfortable shoes? maybe. can you get me a couple of more? maybe they have purple? whatever you want, honey. all i'm saying is, it seemed like you were pretty into ethan until dylan showed up. don't get me wrong. ethan's nice, but he's no dylan. maybe that's a good thing? why? because dylan's a free spirit? he's too edgy for you? he plays by his own rules? (men harmonizing "daisy bell")

oh, my god. what? i beg of you to turn around and experience with me the greatest moment of my life. ♪ daisy, you're the one i adore ♪ ♪ when i'm with you your rebel boyfriend's a dapper dan. maybe that's not him. ♪ i want to be with you more oh! ♪ it won't be a stylish-- ♪ (man) dylan! uh, uh, sorry. sorry. um... it certainly seems like him. ♪ d-daisy, daisy oh, my god. he looked like those old pictures of dad from high school. mm-hmm. so anyway, i've really been into street art lately. oh, there's a really great exhibit downtown. i'll take you. oh, on what, your razor scooter? mom wants you. (alex) i-i-i... ethan! i've been looking all over for you!

ern family" will be right back.

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pirates of the caribbean,ing. and this whole fight with dede was really eating at me. and there was this angry animatronic wench with a rolling pin, chasing some poor pirate around. they were on a track, running in circles, so he could never get away from her. and i remember thinking, i can't save you, buddy, but i'm getting off this ride. ...and--and we were going around a corner, and i was screaming and i swallowed a bug. oh, being tall is everything that i dreamed it would be. (grunts) what should we do next? (breathing heavily) sit down. where we gonna sit down? the ground. here, this is good right here. (groans) oh! are you okay, dad? no, i'm not okay.

i hate to tell you this, but these rides are killing me. b-but you're the king of roller coasters. i know! (grunts) something happens when you get older. (strained voice) guess you can't take it. (panting) one of my favorite things in the world is doing stupid fun stuff with you, like pogo stick basketball or trying to get a swing to go all the way around. next time, we should sit on a fire extinguisher. yes, or a bottle of coke and some mentos. (gasps) honestly, though, the way i'm feeling right now, i don't know if there's gonna be a next time. dad, we can always find cool stuff to do. even if you're old and in a wheelchair, i'll take you to the mall and push you as fast as you wanna go. you'd do that? heck, yeah. we'll pop some wheelies, too. that sounds fun. and i'll take you to the top of a huge hill and just let go. okay, we'll nail down the specifics later, but that... that's really nice. so do you still wanna talk or-- no, go. ride space mountain. (laughs) hey! hey. uh, at the end, when they take a picture, do something hilarious for both of us. (laughs) you're gonna die.

when you see it, not 'cause you're old. yep. (child cheering in distance) whew. lily! lily, stop! dad! dad, grab her! hey, i gotcha, you little monkey! thank you. (kisses) hey, cam, i got her. we're in fantasyland. where are you? okay, it's toontown, not toonton. you've been watching too much pbs. thank you. (laughs) all right, honey, come here. i don't like this thing. yeah? well, i don't like running like a crazy person through downton disney-- downtown disney. (sighs deeply) i don't know what to do. well, the leash is not the answer. you want my help? yes, please! i can fix this for you in about two minutes. come on, baby girl. come with me. we'll be right back. (mutters) okay. where we going? oh, this way? ugh! manny, you don't sound very happy for a kid that is flying an elephant. i lost to durkas. it's not fair. he wanted to buy ibm because he thought it was funny to say. well, i'm glad that you lost. fake money has changed you. where is the manny that used to stop to smell the roses?

he took a bath on a solar start-up in san jose. you have been so busy burying your face in your phone that you barely said hello to your family, you gave winnie the pooh the cold shoulder, and you haven't even noticed that pretty girl in the blue elephant that has been smiling at you. not my type, but still, nice to be noticed. you see what happens when you're not burying your head in business? you're right. i'll try to be more present. mm. what the heck's on your feet? they're slippers! they're like pillows. attagirl. (cameron scoffs) um... you're welcome. look. your dad got her baby high heels, which we said we were never gonna let her wear. i love 'em. you look gorgeous, sweetie. oh, my god. you felt people judged us before? wait till they meet little miss anaheim. who cares? look at her. she can barely move. thank you, dad. you know what? she's got pretty good gams for a 3-year-old.

(haley) cheese! got it. thanks, little john. thank you! aw! ooh, they have corn dogs. we gotta get one before we go back. they are legendary. i'll be right back. (chuckles) okay. (dylan, lowered voice) haley! it's me. dylan. i'm in the bear suit. i borrowed it to talk to you. why are you dancing like that? this is what little john does. maybe. i don't know what movie this dude is from. i'm not even supposed to be talking to you. well, i'm not talking to you. no, you can talk. i know, but i'm mad. you came back to town and didn't even call me. i was embarrassed. i lost my job at the dude ranch, and i wanted to get my act together first. but the four dweebs on a bike act? hey, the dapper dans are a main street tradition since 1959. hey, what's going on? nothing. i still love her, ethan. okay, how do you know my name? it's dylan. look, i don't wanna harsh your day, but i never stopped loving haley, and i never will!

i-is this some sort of joke? do i look like i'm joking? dylan, let's not do this now. it has to be now. i've got a parade at 3:00. hey, seriously, dude, back off. okay, that was my face. (chuckles) and you're the one who needs to back off. uhh! oh! oh! ooh! ohh! you... okay. this thing's kinda heavy. i can't get up. ethan? ethan, what is going on? what are you doing? uh, hi, mrs. dunphy. help me up. oh. (whispers) no. if i could get up, i would--uhh! come on. phil, you don't look like you're doing very well. maybe because i officially became an old man back there at thunder mountain. ohh. oh, my goodness. you are burning up. you might have the flu. a bunch of guys at work had the flu, and we all drink orange juice out of the same carton. we should get cups. (claire) hmm. luke, did you hear that?! i have the flu!

mnh. oh, gosh, no. glad we didn't share that pickle. hey, everybody. oh, hey, hey, guys. where's ethan? oh, he's staying. he ran into some friends. but dylan got fired, so... don't freak out. we have to give him a ride home. and we're back together. oh. yay. hey, no one goes home till we hit the lincoln thing. yawn. (sighs) don't even try to fight it. yeah, he made us go when we were kids. come on, people! it's a robotic president! what's not to love? (phil) welcome home. (luke) a robotic president? so my plan was, drive claire and mitchell home, put them to bed, pour myself a big tumbler of scotch, and tell dede it was over. but on the way out, we made one last stop. if destruction be our lot, we ourselves must be its author and finisher. as a nation of free men, we must live through all times... i don't know what happened. maybe it's what robot lincoln said about a man's duty

or keeping the union together. maybe i just chickened out. but i realized that staying with my kids was more important than leaving my wife. now, that's not the right decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me. and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it. so i stuck it out until they were grown... (gloria) jay, you want to join me in the jacuzzi? and the universe rewarded me.

yeah! here we go! hey, dad, roller coast fist bump. (both imitate train chugging) whoo! whoo! (both imitate crash) whoo-hoo-hoo! aah! whoo! oh. whoa! aah! oh! whoo-hoo! oh. what was that? (laughs) (laughs) ooh! (groans) (train cars clicking) yeah! is this gonna be so awesome! hey! yeah! whoo! aah! oh! whoo! aah! oh! (train cars clicking) close your eyes. it make it more fun. oh, yeah. that is more fun. (laughs) uhh! ohh! (train cars clicking) (laughs) whoo!