and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood it's " jimmy kimmel live" ! tonight, kathy griffin. oscar winning screenwriter aaron sorkin. and music from the internet. with cleto and the cletones. and now, after all, here's jimmy

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you so much for coming. thanks for risking really everything to be here tonight. the unthinkable has happened. it's now been raining in l.a. for two days in a row. which is -- that's never happened before in our history. flash flood, high surf, and wind advisories are in effect. my doppler's been going nuts all day. of course this is the work of el nino, which is -- it's my favorite storm system that sounds like an early '80s latino boy band. [ laughter ] meteorologists say the storm is tied now for the strongest el nino storm ever. they say if it gets any stronger it could turn into a dwayne johnson movie. [ laughter ] the good news is i finally have an excuse to wear a very cute

2012. somebody shot this video and posted it to facebook. this is from not too far from here in highland park. you see the little parade of trash bins. making their way down the street. it's like they're escaping. now, this -- whoever shot this decided to follow one of the -- [ laughter ] look at that little fella go. this could be a pixar movie, right? [ laughter ] call it "receptacles" or something. just kept hanging right around that curb there. until finally it met a tragic end. yeah. [ laughter ] why is that sad? why do we attach human qualities to everything? [ laughter ] let's go out to hollywood boulevard right now. okay. so guillermo -- we put a gopro on a toy boat, and guillermo is out there.

the -- [ cheers and applause ] the little river that runs past our studio. and there it goes. you know, usually that gutter is full of passed-out superheroes. so we're actually very fortunate. pretty good clip. that's a little guillermo we put in the boat there to drive it. there you go. it's like a chase scene out of a look at that. there he is. kind of adorable. and now it's turned boring. [ laughter ] you know? it really -- perilous. he's making his way through these cars pretty well here. nicely -- i wonder if he'll get around that. no. that's where our story ends. [ cheers and applause ] you know when you're watching tv shows and they say you're going to hollywood and it sounds exciting. well, next time remember that. [ laughter ]

the way, the beginning of the end of an era, the 15th and final season of "american idol" is under way. "american idol" might be the biggest show in the history of television. at its peak more than 30 million people watched it every week. and things will be different without it. now if you want to see mentally ill people sing you'll have to go to the bus station. [ laughter ] but in honor of this historic television milestone we put together a salute to the most memorable "american idol" winners over the years. great names. names like, well, kelly clarkson. names like carrie underwood. huge star. jordin sparks, who was a winner of "american idol." no? taylor something. this one was sharon? i think. this guy is -- this is either steven or david or -- maybe a --

i know that one. [ laughter ] ja- -- i have no idea who that is. i don't -- i don't know that one. i definitely don't know that one. [ laughter ] you know what? actually, never mind. this was a bad idea. [ laughter ] i did know carrie underwood. so that was pretty good, right? congratulations to them on their -- [ cheers and applause ] whatever they do. i really don't know what it was, but they did it. meanwhile, in north korea there's much celebration this week. north korea's claiming that they successfully detonated their first hydrogen bomb. [ speaking foreign language ]. >> jimmy: i don't know why that's funny, but it is. they haven't perfected color television yet, but they do have a hydrogen bomb.

i should say they claim to have a hydrogen bomb. ay said the evidence, you know, they got the shock waves or whatever, does not support their claim. but the north korean government released a statement that said, sh than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves." does that make any sense? [ laughter ]to do with a gun? eat it? meanwhile, after they made the announcement, the people of is is great, now can we have food and shoes? [ laughter ] and the dear leader of north , celebrated this alleged scientific achievement with a fresh new haircut that -- [ laughter ] i think says it all. that's the rachel of north korea.] what do you want to bet we see someone with that very haircut at the grammys this year? oh, you're back? >> yeah.doing? >> good.

[ cheers and applause ] it was cold.ask you a question? are you wearing a shirt under -- you're wearing a shirt under that jacket, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: but why are your sleeves like completely invisible? i don't -- i have a shirt but it's short leave. >> jimmy: you're wearing a short leave -- >> yeah.you're wearing a short-leaved shirt under that? >> it was raining. so i changed right away. >> jimmy: you changed into a short-leaved shirt? >> yeah. let's see what you look like without the -- [ cheers and applause ]you look like you should be doing insurance claims or something. [ laughter ] i didn't know that. all these years, i didn't know you did that.he first time. >> jimmy: oh, it's the first

see, i'm very observant. anyway, back to north korea. we're really spanning the globe rth korea. you would think that the idea that north korea might have a hydrogen bomb would be somewhat who are here on the west coast. but we went out on the street today and it seems like if you ask people a question in a cheerful enough manner, we will -- we americans will offerjust about >> north korea announced that successfully detonate a hydrogen bomb. the world is excited. people are sending their congratulations. >> would you like to congratulate north korea? >> congratulations, north korea. finally. i mean, it's about time, you know? >> would you like to say congratulations to north korea?ment for them? >> you know, i think that, you know, i think if you do believe that one day you can -- dreams hink. it's definitely a disney, you know, thing to do. >> would you say this is a great example of if you can dream it you can achieve it?

then you can achieve it. >> and north korea has done that with the hydrogen bomb. >> and that's good for them. >> yeah, you know, you just got s and you know, anything can come true. yeah. so you know, we say they stuck >> especially with north korea and its hydrogen bomb. >> yeah.ed for them, they're sending their congratulations. would you like to congratulate north korea? >> congratulations, north korea. awesome.tulations, kim jong-un, on everything you've done. you've done a really good job. keep it up. stay safe. good luck. >> congratulations on achieving your dream, north korea. >> congratulations, north korea. it's a high five.nd applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, and all signs say we will, i'm going to teach of texting. this is very important. so stick around.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. nd music from the internet is on the way. but first i want to carve some time out of tonight's show to share something i figured out over the break. and engage in passive-aggressive behavior, but thanks to the way we use technology now there's a new way to be passive aggressive understand. it's the passive-aggressive text message. now, if you don't know what i mean by that, here's an example. you ask a simple can i bring dave to dinner tonight? and the person to whom you're texting replies, sure, with an exclamation point.text you could reasonably assume the person on the other end is happy about

but what about this? you ask, can i bring dave to and your husband or wife or girlfriend says, sure, with a period.xt, but the subtext of the text not -- instead of the exclamation point, exclamation point means i thought we were going out just care if dave comes or maybe it means i don't like dave. [ laughter ] you don't know. well, let's look at another example here. simple message.up some milk on the way home? and your textmate replies, of course. if you got this, you can assume there will be a container of tor when this person gets home. but what if you ask this same question, can you pick up some milk on the way home?e letter k. [ laughter ] if you got this, i think you can assume the person will get the the letter k is like the text

at someone. it's like what a teenager does when you ask how her day was. but this might be worse. now, try again. can you pick up some milk on the way home? and the answer is, yup.o i'll get the milk but why the hell can't you get the milk? i'm working all day. you had nine hours to get milk and now i'm being as right? yup should never be confused with yep. yep's okay. yep is friendly. yep is upbeat.he "e" changes to a "u," that person probably wants to put you into a wood chipper. [ laughter ] i want to mention one more. passive aggressive of all the passive aggressive texts. it's this. this response. ha. [ laughter ] ha says i acknowledge what you said was meant to be funny. it wasn't.u imagine in real life you made a joke and someone said ha?

you can't because no one would ever do that. if they did you would fight them, right?, when texting avoid using periods, yups and ha's. and most importantly, never, ever use your phone to make a call. that you should never do. [ laughter ]t anymore. it's annoying. this is something that also involves our thumbs. twitter is -- they're exploring the possibility of expanding 40 characters per tweet to 10,000 characters per tweet. you know the thing that makes twitter twitter? they might get rid of that. about -- in fact, in other words, twitter is very close to inventing facebook. [ laughter ] i don't like this. this is basided to change the iphone to a washing machine. right? this is interesting. especially for those of you who are mothers to be.lets you play music for your fetus,

it's called baby pod.music when inserted into a woman. like john mayer. [ laughter it's a similar -- like an electronic -- [ cheers and applause ] you kind of need to see for yourself. included at a special concert by soraya to welcome christmas. a group of mothers and their future babies were able to the unborn babies were in the crowd thanks to baby pod, a esigned to broadcast music inside the vagina. baby pod is safe and easy to use. it is placed like a tampon and connects to the smartphone. in gynecology. this is the first concert for fetuses ever made in the world. >> jimmy: it's like vulvapalooza going on there. [ laughter ] [ applause ]le are always coming up with ideas to play music for the unborn babies. has anyone ever considered it might be the only time in their whole lives when they get some peace and quiet and we should

[ laughter ]nt to entertain your baby there's a new product. it's not just for women. it specifically targets babies before they er. >> research suggests that babies can hear and respond to music in the womb.way to get music to your baby before it's even conceived? the makers of beats by dre by dre. the first ever high-quality headphones for testicles. simply connect ballz by dre to your smartphone, choose your affix the headphones snugly to your scrotum, and relax as your sperm are stimulated by high-fidelity ballz by dre. up the bass for an even greater effect. >> as a leading testicologist i s product can do.

spermatozoa were lifeless. ed their motility increased by 130%. >> consult your testicologist. ballz by dre. you please turn down your balls? >> available at balgreen's. [ cheers and applause ]immy: tonight on the show we have music from the internet. aaron sorkin is here. and we'll be right back with kathy griffin. so stick around.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight, an oscar and emmy and who knows what else award winning writer, he is nominated wga award for his movie "steve jobs." aaron sorkin is here with us. [ cheers and applause ]

right here in l.a. this is their album. it's called "ego death." the internet from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] ternet is a fun name for a band, but how is anyone supposed to look them up? [ laughter ] try googling "the internet." and see what -- your c [ laughter ] tomorrow night on the show cate blanchett will be here. dominic monaghan will join us. and we'll have music from vance joy. along with champagne and throwing up on a tuxedo, our first guest has become part of our annual new year's eve tradition. she is an emmy and grammy award e live on her 80-city like a boss comedy tour. please welcome kathy griffin.lause ]

happy new year! [ cheers and applause ] happy new year. >> jimmy: you're still wishing a happy new year to people, huh?ith news models. now, look -- what's with the scruff? anderson cooper would never do the scruff. >> jimmy: why wouldn't he? >> because anderson cooper called his hair his money maker. which i believe is a porn term, which you would know. >> jimmy: why would i know that? >> oh, i don't know.n. >> jimmy: his moneymaker. does he really call his hair his moneymaker? >> and something else.ch a bad double entendre i didn't even laugh. >> jimmy: it wasn't that bad. can i ask you something? why is anderson still doing this show with you? >> how dare you? >> first of all, he's my guest. it's really my show and i let him do a guest spot is the way i see it. >> jimmy: why is your guest showing up? because you abuse him terribly. >> james. how dare you?immy: show the clip with

>> you mean the love? show the love? >> jimmy: yeah. >> roll the love! >> in case you thought you were and gentlemen, anderson cooper has been >> jimmy: there's no way he >> they get me. they finally get me. look, he -- we have kind of an s he wants things to be in like a cone of silence. so what i then do is i come on your show and then tell your audience and you on television privately. >> jimmy: what did he tell you privately? >> oh, i could go on for hours. >> jimmy: really? >> and then we'll talk about my e with ryan seacrest, who's the devil. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i can't believe that even happened. but what about this cone of silence? cone, please. >> fine, fine, fine. so anderson will say things like, well, you're not going to

questions, right?, anderson. that's just not my way. and then somehow i asked him the price of a carton of eggs. >> jimmy: uh-huh.a vanderbilt. so he thought it was $1,000. [ laughter ] and the next day he texted me.e world knows i don't know the cost of a carton of eggs." and i said, honey, they never thought you knew. [ laughter ] that's who he is.ve him. because he's so perfect and he's great news guy and he's going to host the town hall with barack although he told me this in the cone of silence. >> jimmy: what? don't tell anybody. so here we go. he said he's way more -- he said before new year's, he goes, you know what's going to happen with you than sitting down with barack obama thursday. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes. doesn't spray pesticides in his face

>> he should think about it. >> he should think about it. it's fun. >> jimmy: it is funny. >> it's an executive order.bout your dinner with the man you describe as the devil, ryan seacrest. you have said many terrible things about ryan seacrest. >> look, she and i made up. [ laughter ] i feel like -- is also your competitor on new year's eve. >> competitor. she wishes. please. [ laughter ] so y because you are like friends with everybody. oh, by the way, congratulations on you and oprah buying weight >> jimmy: what?d this. i know you. i know your smoke and your mirrors. and i knew you from kroq when you did the sports and he read the paper with the baseball cap. now he's got a beard and he buysah? what's going on? who are you? >> jimmy: i did not buy weight watchers with oprah. >> what have you become? you're a shell of would have liked to have bought it with oprah -- >> i'm going do spray-tan you until you're puerto rican. [ laughter ] which by the way is kinde. all right.

ryan seacrest even though -- >> jimmy: he invited you? >> look, he's afraid to say no. he's like you. it's a fear-based relationship. >> jimmy: okay.>> so what i do is i use his name to make reservations at five of like the toughest restaurants to get into in manhattan. and then i call and cancel on his behalf.w reasons. i'm sorry, this is mr. seacrest's assistant. he can't come tonight because he realized he has no talent. bye-bye. [ laughter ]like le cirque and jean george. then i ended up just getting him to come to my hotel. then he starts with are we in a cone of silence? and i'm like yeah, we're in a if i'm not going to give it to cher i'm not going to give it to seacrest. >> jimmy: this is more a cylinder of silence with the top open. >> i poked a couple holes in he was upset with me because i said something on new year's eve. i thought it was funny. he wants me to correct the record. like it freaking matters. anyway.'s printing and [ bleep ] money

don't feel too bad for ryan. anyway.st is around me alone he tries to act like intellectual. [ laughter ] i know. i know, right? emmys. here you go. he's like, oh, tell anderson i thought he did a really good job moderating the debate.ight? i go, really? who are the candidates? right? and then he looks -- he's all nervous. and he's like we're in a cone of silence, right? i go yeah.idates? and he goes, you know, the one that anderson moderated. so keep in mind, anderson moderated the democratic debate.s, trump, cruz, and hillary. come on. [ applause ] >> jimmy: nice.- then -- >> jimmy: look how happy you guys look together. >> i know.

kill. going for the kill. that's right. >> jimmy: one of these people ist ryan. >> what? [ laughter ] so then he like texted me five times the next day. he's like i know that hillary is not a republican. i'm like, really?? see ya. rodham. anyway. so that was fun. >> jimmy: well, that's good. there won't be another dinner next year i'm guessing.r? >> i pick up the tab every time. >> jimmy: did you really? >> no. i will say this, though. and this is one of the reasons because you know, he's like a cute guy and like everything just freaking falls in his lap. and the kardashians are his fault. you know, we're all paying the price. they keep multiplying with francine and the lip one and -- tyga's like texting a 14-year-old. it's such a nightmare. so that's all his fault. he's the producer of that. so we can't be too easy on him. this is all cone of silence.

room alone. >> my boyfriend and i are sitting there with seacrest and his date. [ laughter ] had to cost him a fortune. [ laughter ] anyway.s terrible. i have crossed the line. >> jimmy: you really have. >> can we move on? anyway, so -- so two separate an seacrest, send him like $500 bottles of wine. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. so that's what it's like to be ryan seacrest. wherever he goes he is so beloved.ably feel bad for him because he's with me. so they just start sending him -- and i don't drink but my boyfriend's like that's really expensive wine.ndomly -- like they think it's an honor to send ryan -- i wanted to break his balls with it. >> jimmy: i think you just -- >> because i'm a giver. >> jimmy: i think you just did. kathy griffin is here. we'll be right back.

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use ] >> jimmy: we are back with kathy griffin. we're going to have to call ryan seacrest. now, you're on tour right now, r. and these are very, very funny and -- you do a lot of dates too. >> i did 70 cities last year. i'm going to do 70 more this year.erial. every show is different. i've done carnegie hall to, you know, the fantasy springs casino on saturday.t kind of fantasy i'll be delivering. but i'll be telling tales after school. >> jimmy: i'd like to ask you

you remember you were here and u invited me to come to your comedy show. and i was like oh, this will be great. >> right. >> jimmy: i told my wife. this came from a gentleman named john olivera. an assistant of yours? >> yes.s, dear jimmy, hi, kathy griffin would love to invite to you a night of comedic fun. >> oh, how generous of me and my team. >> jimmy: she will be performingm in los angeles. >> very prestigious mark taper downtown. >> jimmy: gives me the dates. unfortunately, we cannot ve out comps to kathy's show. >> yes! >> jimmy: because it's a center theater group show in a limited seating auditorium. however, i've included a form for you to complete and return to me if you wish to purchase seats.ilable. sorry for any inconvenience -- >> oh, bring it. >> jimmy: this is the form -- this is the invitation -- >> okay. are yomy: yes. >> you have the nerve -- you want comps, you rich [ bleep ].

[ cheers and applause ]gree with you. >> jimmy: he wears short-leaved shirts. don't even -- >> i cannot believe it.you triple. >> jimmy: i must say i was surprised. >> oh, i'll bet. i'll bet. you should have seen all the responses from my celebrity friends. a cold. you've got to pay. you want me for free? typical man. >> jimmy: kathy, where did photograph taken? >> this is such a great picture. this is like two weeks ago, right? so i go to t take it all -- >> jimmy: get even closer because i think you really need to see -- >> take it in. there's no retouching. this is why i have -- >> jimmy: this is -- ws a year, because i have so much material. i went to the hollywood reporter power women's breakfast. my table was kris jenner, selma blair, who's going to play her e versus

then rita wilson and lena dunhamo loves the base. it's all about the base. she likes the base. and then looney tunes sean penn, who's freaking nuts. >> jimmy: he's not. >> sean penn's crazy.an amazing actor but he's crazy. and you're afraid of him. and i'm not. anyway -- look at his hair. look at his hair.wards. he's got all the money in the world. so i go up to sean. he's about to give an award to melinda gates. so i go up to them and he's talking to melinme, mrs. wozniak. [ laughter ] trying to make her laugh. so i go penn. and he turns around and goes "oh, geez." celebrities. i go penn. what's wrong with your hair? he goes, what do you mean? i go, it doesn't have a shape. you look like a homele he goes what should i do? i go do you have any gel? he goes i don't think so, not on me. i go penn, barbra streisand's over there, robert redford, get

so the best part is kris jenner dared me to bring penn to our table. so i go penn, come with me. he goes, i don't want to. i go, ladies, a disheveled sean penn. [ laughter ] and i got a big hand. i was a big hit at my table. again. >> jimmy: no. >> but sean penn -- use ] >> jimmy: there he is. there you are. >> so he started -- sean penn started his tribute to melinda y saying, i know i'm in a room full of women because kathy griffin just told me my hair looks like crap. and it got a big hand. i think he's a fan. sean and i were in a cone of silence. he's a big fan of mine. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. thank you so much for stopping by.big tour. 80 cities. the "like a boss" comedy tour. kathy griffin, everybody. we'll be right back with aaron

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eers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back. still to come, music from the internet. if you've ever said the words "you can't handle the truth," you have our next guest to thankgue. he is the oscar and emmy-winning writer of "a few good men," "the

social network" and many more. now he is nominated for a globe awards for "steve jobs." please welcome aaron sorkin. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. >> great to be here. >> jimmy: there aren't many writers who are famous by face. like who people see you and recognize you.ppen for you? >> you know, i'm not sure. i think maybe it was either during "the west wing" or i was t burbank airport with a lot of cocaine in my bag. and i think i became known for that as well. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's an attention grabber. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your movies, your te there's almost an aaron sorkin way when it comes to dialogue, the way the characters talk to each other. in fact, let's play a clip from the movie here from "steve jobs."e top guys.

>> you will not blow me off right now, steve. the top guys -- ys, all right? on the apple 2 team there are no top guys. they're b players and b players discourage the a players. and i want a players at apple and not dell.nd i'm a better -- >> 90 days from insolvency. in part because somebody thought the newton wasn't a box of garbage.-- >> leave him. >> i'm talking about -- >> you guys designed and shipped a little box of garbage while i was gone. >> i'm talking about the apple 2, which is not just a cruci history, it is a crucial part of the history of personal computing! >> jimmy: i really enjoyed that movie. [ cheers and applause ] seth rogen was fantastic.ael fassbender. they're both great in the movie daniels. it's a fantastic cast.ng it. >> you must be so happy when it comes out like that, something that you've sat there and hashed out yourself. >> yeah. listen, it's really hard. write.

but when you do see it up there. danny boyle directed it, who directed "slumdog millionaire."ally feel no pain. and by the way, the movie has been out for three months but if you go now you'll still be among the first to see it. [ laughter ]my: i don't understand that. because it's really good. and we don't -- >> it just is an odd thing that happened. premiered at all the prestigious film festivals, it was the darling of the film festivals, it opened to really rave reviews. we opened in what's called a h is where you just open it in two theaters in new york and los angeles to begin with, and we set records for a limited release.wide nobody outside of cities went to see it for some reason. >> jimmy: maybe you need to go ase full of cocaine again. >> i've tried.

they're not stopping me anymore.was a hard movie to write. what made it hard, and what was your easiest movie to write? >> writing is really hard for me.e. this one, "steve jobs," what was hard was that i knew what i didn't want to do, which was itional biopic, a cradle to grave story where you land on the character's greatest hits along the way. that i wanted to do something else.rned out to be was frankly a lot of dialogue. and -- which if you are a littleit's not that surprising. when i grew up, in my family, at my family's dinner table, anybody who used one word when en just wasn't trying hard enough. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. people are talking over each other -- >> yeah. when i really -- and i really --ily is smarter than i am. all of my friends are smarter than i am.

were smarter than i was. and i really started to enjoy ple arguing with each other. and i wanted to imitate that sound. >> jimmy: when you hear people talking in public, do you make mental notes?might be something i work into -- >> yeah. i love when i come in on the middle of a conversation, if i'm having a sandwich in a diner or something and i can hear the th and one of them is really angry and just says, i mean, how many people can you think of named gordon? [ laughter ]hink, i just want to write the beginning of that conversation and see if i can get there, if i can get to that line. >> jimmy: that line that i mentioned in your introduction, e the truth," when you wrote that did you know that that was great? >> i liked the line. i didn't think it was going -- i would -- that burger king would use it, you know, you can't handle this whopper, that kind of thing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were you that kind of great -- >> jimmy: when jack nicholson

were you on set? >> oh, sure. he is for real. he's a total pro. you know, the big speech that heah. >> which is cued up by "you can't handle the truth." we spent the entire day just that part of the scene. and there came a point where he didn't need to be there anymore, where we were doing the coverage where you're not pointing the camera at jack anymore, you're now pointing the camera at the jurors, at the judge, at the defendants, at the lawyers, that kind of thing. it's called coverage.rob reiner, said jack, you don't have to keep doing this three-page speech. we can send you home and just have a second a.d. read it off camera. do the voice. he said, "no, i just love to act." and he kept doing it all day and all night.t lunacy, isn't it? >> yeah.

first experience, your first holson. >> jimmy: i would think not. i tell you, i can't recommend the movie highly enough. it's called "steve jobs." if you haven't seen it, which asven't -- [ cheers and applause ] go see it. aaron sorkin, everybody. we'll be right back with the internet. eers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is

kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: special thanks to kathy griffin, aaron sorkin. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. album is called "ego death."

the internet!ow she wanna come with me live a life of luxury models in tiful company m seeing dollar signs but i'm still driving round in my old whip still living at home got issues with my old chick she's blowing up my phone hot old ish like who's this who's that could be worse so to calm her nerves i just tell it let's go to space be my co i'll be the pilot let's get away let's get away let's et away baby let's get away

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believe today all i need is company if money doesn't fall from trees then maybe we can make believe today all i need is company is yours i