tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
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>> jimmy: thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i had a feeling you would come, and you came. that's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] we have so much to get to tonight. hey, this is -- i don't know how many of you are working, unemployed, or whatever. but this is interesting. "u.s. news & world report" today released their annual list of the best jobs for 2016. these are jobs with growth potential, lower stress, high wages, and low unemployment. the two best jobs are orthodontist and dentist. i don't know. i've always considered the best job to be the one where you don't have to put your hand in other people's mouths. [ laughter ] four out of five dentists agreed with the list. the fifth dentist was that same jerk who disagrees with everything. [ laughter ] but the best -- i think the best part of an orthodontist's job to me is when she asks you how your
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gagging on half a pound of cotton. [ laughter ] almost all of the top ten jobs were in health care. dental, doctors, nurses, psychiatrists. [ cheers ] i mean, it's great, but these are hard jobs. i don't know. you have to go to school and learn how to do them. everybody's sick all the time. really the best job in america is to be born a kardashian. [ applause ] and by the way, the last job on the list this year, the least desirable job for 2016? bill cosby's publicist. [ laughter ] true. so there you have it. dentists and orth dont odontists in america. and the worst jobs in england. [ laughter ] sorry. the president of the united states did not make the list though it seems to be a job people really, really want. the iowa caucuses are less than a week away. then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring iowa
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but for now it's all they care about. it's weird we give so much attention to who iowa picks. since 1980 the iowa caucus has predicted the republican nominee incorrectly four times. they only got it right twice. you get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the super bowl than these iowa caucuses. [ laughter ] but on cnn last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the democratic candidates try to woo the iowa voters. the only clear winner of this debate slash meeting was the farmer who got 30 grand to let cnn park the satellite trucks in his corn field. my favorite part of the night was when hillary put her hands around bernie's throat and screamed, "why won't you die!" [ laughter ] [ applause ] they took questions from the people in the audience. and someone asked hillary who her favorite president was, and she said, with apologies to president obama and my husband,
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and then bernie sanders said, "senator, i knew abraham lincoln. abraham lincoln was a friend of mine. and you, ma'am, are no abraham lincoln." [ laughter ] bernie sanders also used the town hall to highlight some of his non-political achievements. >> i was a very good athlete. i wouldn't say i was a great athlete. i was a pretty good basketball player. my elementary school in brooklyn won the borough championship. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's true. they did win the borough championship. in fact, here's a picture of a young bernie sanders. [ laughter ] the hoop. that was the hoop -- you see, because he's very old is the reason i mentioned it. martin o'malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he's running for president, got some good shots in. but this was his big moment. said, i can't just sit here. i have to take off my jacket and stand up. and he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. it's like magic martin.
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martin o'malley i would guess is probably the least recognizable of all the candidates that they let on tv. but maybe not. maybe more people know him than i think. so i decided we should conduct our own pop to find out. so we sent a camera crew out on hollywood boulevard to see how long it will take for someone to identify martin o'malley. and go. >> hi. excuse me. who is this? >> ma'am, i don't know. >> who is this? >> i'm not for sure. >> hi. who is this? >> uh, al gore. >> yes. sir, who is this? >> i don't know. >> do you know who this is? >> no. >> hi. can you tell me who this is? >> yes. great. >> thank you. hi, sir. who is this? >> i have no idea. >> who is this? >> politician? >> yes. who is this? >> i don't know. >> hi. who is this? >> running for president.
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>> jerry coleman. >> no. >> that's not gary ber of reasons. we'll come back to that and see if we can find somebody. meanwhile, on the republican side, donald trumpven't been getting along so well lately. it used to be they were pals. then they had a falling out. this morning trum called in to "morning joe" andme warm things to say about his former buddy ted. >> ted cruz lies. he's a liar. that's why nobody likes him. that's why his senate people won't endorse him. that's why he stands on the senate floor and can't make a deal with anybody. he looks like a jerk. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: by the way, i like to imagine that trump is naked whense calls. [ laughter ] standing there with his robe open. kanye west has been keeping busy. kanye posted this to twitter. he posted a list of the songs i guess, song titles for his new album. you can see kylie wrote at the bottom "kylie was here."
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of all time." i assume he means his album. i don't know. maybe he just finished listening to "abbey road" or something. you have to hand it to kanye. he is the master of keeping expectations low. and i'll tell you, this is going to be -- [ laughter ] if the predictions are correct, some year. because we're going to get the best album. the best president. and the best wall ever built. [ laughter ] [ applause ] this is a gem from our neighbors up north in canada. the department of health and social services up in the yukon, which is way up near alaska, came up with a catchy new ad mote vitamin d. and this is it. this is what they came up with. "we all need the d. even me." ] [ cheers and applause ] i don't know. you guys -- i honestly -- i didn't know -- i had no idea.
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for a certain part of the maleatomy. [ laughter ] and those women -- put those women up again for a second. they need it. the kid doesn't need it. but -- so a spokespersonkon department of health and social services said they knew it was an innuendo for sex but they didn't realize it was as crude as it is now being purported to be. you know, if they'd abbreviated vitamin, it could have been vd that everybody needed. [ laughter ] the ads, they've removed all the ads from the websites. by don't know. i would make the [ laughter ] what about sunny d. we give that to children.hter ] some crazy news for l.a. clippers fans today. all-star forward blake griffin is out because he injured his hand fighting with the clippers'ent manager. this happened over the weekend in toronto.
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between blake and a guy who works for the team. the guy's name is -- that's the ame is mattias testy. they're friends, i guess. or at least they were friends before this wet willie or whatever happened there. in his hand punching the guy. the clippers released a statement today publicly condemning blake. although to be fair to blake griffin, the guy really insulted him. he said, o stupid you'd break your own hand punching the team's assistant equipment manager." and he did. [ laughter ] and now he's out four to six weeks and he could miss the all-star fight with the equipment -- not even the main [ laughter ] see, i'll tell you something. this is why you never criticize " in front of blake griffin. it will come to blows. should we check -- let's check back on the streets to see if we can find someone, anyone to recognize martin o'malley. here we go. >> sir. this? >> i don't know. >> okay. he's running for president. who is this? >> ramon river. >> no.
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>> john kerry. duh. hi. who is this? >> john wayne? i don't know. >> okay. hi. hi. who is this? >> i don't know. >> who iknow. >> who is this? nope. >> who is this? >> who is that? >> yeah. >> it looks like the king of queens show there. >> no. who is this? who is this? >> i have no ideas. >> oh. who is this? who is this? this? >> that is, um, o'malley. >> yes! yes. who is this? uh. >> jimmy: all right. well, maybe he does have a shot, i guess. oh, she's -- well, nicely done. son in california. well, we have to take a break. when we come back from the break, jack black and lauren cohan are here. they're going to go headd out who can name
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[ cheers and applause ]ck. it is time to play a game that challenges contestants to name everyday things. it's time to play "name here we go. [ cheers and applause ] welcome -- welcome to "name that thing." let's meet our contestants. first, from santa monica, his new movie is called "kung fu panda 3." please welcome jack black.
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welcome.nk you. >> jimmy: jack, it's wonderful to have you here. jack's challenger tonight, you know her from her new movie is called "the boy." say hello to lauren cohan. lauren. [ cheers and applause ]o, lauren. welcome. wow. well, i can tell jack has his game face on. jack, are you a competitive person in general? >> i play for ] >> i play for jack's blood. >> jimmy: you play for jack's blood. simple. we will reveal a thing. your job is to name that e ten seconds to do it. correct answers gets you 50 points. a correctish answer gets you ten points. the incorrect answer o points at all. are you ready to play? >> yes. >> yes. >> jimmy: let's play "name that thing." jack, lauren, name that
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here we go.s up. lauren, you're finished first. name that thing. >> a drill for dirt. ] >> jimmy: a drill for dirt. i'm going to give you no points for that, lauren. i'm sorry. jack.ashioned screwdriver. duh. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: and jack, we are going to give you no points for thatwe have a tie game. that is an auger. an auger was the answer we were looking for. >> that's what i here are plenty of things to name. let's spin it and see what our next thing is. lauren, jack, name that thing.
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the thing in it.finished. jack, we'll go to you first. jack. >> i'm going to go with -- jack, you're close. i don't know why they're laughing because it's pretty close. but that is not a kumquat. lauren. can you name that thing?ll fruit. lauren, we're going to give you 10 points. >> what? [ applause ] >> jimmy: that is guava. that is a guava.ll fruit. our next thing is this. now, jack -- oh, boy. >> iis. >> jimmy: you can see our beautiful model is displaying this thing. you get the idea.
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name this thing. jack? we'll start with you. >> it's a dijeree don't. >> jimmy: it is not a dijeree lauren. you say -- >> is it ravi shankar's sitar? >> jimmy: it is a sitar indeed. it's not ravi shankar's. have 50 points. this. >> i'll take it. >> jimmy: lauren jumps out to a 60-point to zero i have zero? my kumquat, i got nothing? >> jimmy: you got nothing for that. but perhaps you'll get something for naming this. ten seconds on the clock. and begin. now jack's getting serious. all right. ten seconds are up. >> i believe it is the tool of mr. death. the : oh, no. i'm afraid it is not.
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>> jimmy: lauren. >> i said no because i'm sad forng answer. >> jimmy: and you also say -- no. >> that was wrong. >> jimmy: you were close. it is a sickle. a sickle. wow. you guys are not good at naming [ laughter ] we have one more item -- >> i can't believe a small fruit was better than a kumquat. >> jimmy: let's go to the final round. let's spin the wall and see our next thing.it is this. >> oh. >> jimmy: jack seems confident.s answer. lauren finishing up. jack. name that thing. jack says -- >> hobo lunch. [ applause ]>> jimmy: i am going to give you 10 points for that. yes. [ applause ] correctish.
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lauren says -- 'll -- >> huck'll leberry finn's backpack. >> jimmy: lauren you are in the lead but jack, you have a chance to catch up.udden death round. your goal here is i'll give you a category. name as many items in that category category as you can. you'll have 20 seconds to do it. ready? fresh paper? all right. your category is soups. soups. go. name as many soups as you can. and this is about quantity, folks. of course you have to get it correct. but jack has his work cut out for him. 50 points behind.dience chanting "three, two, one" ] >> jimmy: we are finished. time's up. lauren, go ahead and read from your card. jack, put that penching you. >> this is despicable.
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>> jimmy: hold them up and let us see. >> lentil, tomato, chicken, black bean, matzo ball split -- green split pea. >> jimmy: one, two -- is that five? >> one, two, three, four, five, six. >> jimmy: six. all right. you get 60 points for a total ofjack, you have to get 11 soups to tie this thing. and if you do tie, i don't know what we're going to do. >> i did not tie. i went with an egg drop, chicken hot and sour, onion, pee. >> jimmy: pee.the poop soup. >> jimmy: and what kind of pee soup are you eating? is that an a or an e at the end? well, jack, that is not ngratulations. lauren you are the winner of "name that thing." here's your prize. your prize is, well, a mortar and u, contestants.
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then later, from memphis, winner of "guitar center singer-songwriter 4" competition. her new e.p. came out today. your heartbeat." lanita smith from the samsung stage. [ applause ] tomorrow night, shaquille o'neal, alison brie and we'll have music from banners.rsday, ewan mcgregor, hannibal buress and music from tory lanez. so please join us then. our first guest tonight is a very funny and talented ocks by night. his new movie is "kung fu panda 3." it opens in theaters friday. please say hello to jack black. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: wow. entrance. [ cheers and applause ] how are you?>> jimmy: that was one of the better entrances we've ever had. >> that is more cardio than i've gotten all week.that little 13-second performance. >> jimmy: how are you doing? is that mustache for a role or did you -- >> i was trying out something new. it's my johnny d. it's also kind of a nod to the great kung fu masters of yore. because i'm in "kung fu panda." so i wanted to -- >> jimmy: well,of the panda. your mustache does not actually appear in the film. >> no. but you know, i'm a method actor, and i like to like embody the spirit.
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>> exactly. >> jimmy: you were just -- you need a -- should we take a commercial break? [ laughter ]you mean? it looks like i'm out of breath? [ laughter ] no. i'm not out of breath at all. >> jimmy: there's a 40% chance you'll vomit on me right now. >> no. my kung fu never has that effect on me. i mean, it may look like i'm out of breath. and it may seem like i'm out of er ] but i'm not at all. this is how i normally converse. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] do you have some oxygen? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't have any oxygen on me. >> don't need it. don't had it i i'd yank a toke. >> jimmy: well, who wouldn't a shot of it? oxygen oxygen? >> jimmy: i have. >> seems like a bad idea. anymore. >> jimmy: they do have them.
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>> jimmy: it is different flavors of air. >> what a gyp! how much for that air? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think what it is is over and not breathe in the >> yeah. just a quick little -- >> jimmy: look, i feel like your pulse is now at normal. interview. when? >> just like a day ago, yeah. >> jimmy: and where were you? >> jimmy: wow. >> did a kung fu panda there. then went over to seoul, south korea. premiere the zip, zip. >> jimmy: do they know you from the voice of this character? >> well, it's a cartoon. sow don't see me.immy: yeah. >> and they have like asian actors doing the voice. so no. there's like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not at all. >> there's no reason for but i think it helps promote the film when they know that there's a powerhouse hollywood legend. >> jimmy: i see.
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[ laughter ]n there. no matter what you do. >> jimmy: so it's not your voice at all on the -- >> no. but it's important that i do the red carpet there. to high five the asian actor, the torch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, you meet the person who does the same part you that do. >> i do. and i like to do a high five with interlocking clasp for more >> jimmy: i see. >> to bring our nations together. and let them take it away from there. >> jimmy: and then will you go see the screening in chinese? do you go into the theater and watch? >> no. no.ve time. i go straight from the red carpet. i go like that. i go into the theater. and then i go straight out the back door. because i've got to continue my the nation. there's no time. >> jimmy: you go on a plane and you go to the next spot. >> on to the next spot, yeah. >> jimmy: have your kids >> my boys have seen it. i actually pulled a situation, a little finagle, pulled some strings, and we showed the film at their exciting for them. >> jimmy: wow.
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ones in the world to see it, which was rad.. you know, my oldest boy, my 9-year-old sammy had a part in the movie. he plays one of the bunnies. so if you're watching the movie, the very first bunny that says "save the valley," that's my [ applause ] so even with all of that, where i should be like the coolest dad ever, they wouldn't sit with me at the screening. there to sit with cool kids and -- so just goes to show no matter how bitching your dad is he's still just an [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they probably prefer the chinese actor's voice-over work in the movie. [ laughter ] let's take a break. i think you need it. you jack black is here. you do. jack, you do. the movie is called "kung fu panda 3." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] of jim beam, thousands of barrels lay silent. but that doesn't mean they lay idle.
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i should pull it. >> i think i just peed a little. chrpz >> jimmy: that is jack black in "kung fu panda 3." >> that's bryan cranston as my dad. >> jimmy: how can your chi sit next to you at a theater? their dad is kung fu panda for god's sake. >> it's a mystery. i don't know. >> jimmy: when you go on a trip, do you do you do that thing where you bring them -- >> yeah. it makes up for my lack of parenting. [ laughter ] when i'm out of town. i come back with aw i was thinking of them. and yeah, when i was in china, i went to the chinese toy store. and i was like, wait, these are all the toys that they have in america because they're all made in china. a little fresher, you know? [ laughter ] like a couple weeks in advance. they get the prototypes earlier. >> jimmy: still warm. a little bit of softness there. >> but is i looked at all the toys and i go i'm going to buy them the kung fu panda toys. it was so dumb. i should just get those for free. they just seemed like the best toys don't get those
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>> no one sent me a basket of free toys. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that is a tragedy. it really is. how are things going withyou and kyle still playing? [ cheers and applause ] >> i feel like there's a couple hardcore's screaming very one else, oh -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah. the d's going very strong. thank you for asou worried about -- i don't know if you're aware of this, but the letter d [ laughter ] >> oh, no. that's always been our meaning. [ laughter ] if you get my meaning. [ laughter ] no, i don't care what -- >> jimmy: there was like a big festival. when was that? >> oh, yeah, festival supreme. it's every october. and this lastd like this awesome like vegas rat pack theme. every year we have a different theme. and you know, the vegas, one of the things they're known forour wedding chapel where
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wedding that doesn't really yeah. >> so we got ordained -- >> jimmy: our band leader cleto got married in one of those. >> oh, really?>> you know you're not legally [ laughter ] but it can still be romantic. but we made it count. we got like ordained officially. >> yeah. so we couldat the festival. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. we just thought it would be fun weddings. we always try to mix it up and do something a littleer festivals are >> jimmy: so people actually came ready to get married? >> yeah. people came and really got married. and i thought it was really funny and funny until it really do it. and like then i was like these people are really going to spend the rest of their lives together. this is actually really important. out about the pressure of it. and like this is not a joke. and kind of got a little defensive. and i was like, you guys knowd the rest of your lives and if it doesn't work out it's not your fault. you've got to be responsible for
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it was kind of a bad idea in the [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: maybe do some circumcisions next time around. who knows? >> yeah, i don't know about it's very good to see you. congratulations on three big movies. "kung fu panda 3" opens in theaters friday. jack black, everybody. we'll be right back with lauren cohan. [ cheers and applause ] crawfish shorts i like your style hooked it just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) at cellar door epic comeback starts right here y shot.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, music from lanita smith. our nextne of the most popular tv shows in the world and yet that is not enough for her. her latest is the very creepy thriller "the boy" which is in theaters now.cohan. [ cheers and applause ] are you doing? >> i'm doing well. >> jimmy: congratulations, by the way. you really smoked -- i didn't want to mention it in front of jack, but you really crushed him in "name that thing." >> i want to play that wasn't a huge deal to me to
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>> jimmy: was it really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you like super competitive? >> with games, with -- with games i'm crazy. i attest to it. we have like -- and my whole family's crazy about games. but yeah. >> jimmy: when you say crazy, what does that mean? like will you get very upset >> it's funny. in my mind right now i'm debating whether or not to tell the stories because it's like so -- >> jimmy: oh, are you a sore 't all do that. [ laughter ] we don't all do that. you do that. i do it also. but -- >> okay, good. >> jimmy: no, butal people that don't. >> that know it's a game. >> jimmy: that put things in perspective. and they realize it's childish and immature to behave like a baby. >> and then it doesn'tle life, whether or not you had that celebrity -- >> jimmy: and yet it does. yes. >> there's been times when i've been left in a crumpled heap on the living lights are out and friends have awkwardly exited. and my family's upstairs in bed
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in my hand and noty nobody gets it. >> jimmy: mariah gets you through these kind of situations? >> yeah. my hero. >> jimmy: what games do you play with your family? >> i think celebrity is probably the biggest one. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, ie times. how does that go again? >> it's the one where you have a bucket of names in the middle and then you have two teams and everybody gives a clue. you can't say the name. so it's charades or whatever it is. but we have -- we've played this many, many want to be with my mom and my two sisters because -- >> jimmy: because they're good at it? yeah, right. >>h my grandfather once. >> jimmy: is he no good? >> he's so good at so many things, but celebrity isn't one of them. >> jimmy: why would your grandfather be good at naming >> i know. >> jimmy: why is he bad? in what way is he bad? >> we had this one round where the clue wasn. and despite knowing all the rules -- you'll explain the
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no, no, i understand, don't have to explain this to me. and enyou play the game. and he says, all right, all right. sounds like ichael no, you can't do that. [ laughter ] he goes, no, i understand, i'm not stupid. ichael that against the rules? >> yes. as is this. >> jimmy: oh, sign language in spelling out the -- yeah.as going on. maybe he just doesn't want to play. you know, it's one of those things where if you don't want to play, everybody forces you to play but if you get in there and actually ruin theare happy when you leave. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and then they don't ask you to do it. >> jimmy: and they don't ask you to do it again. by the way, your haircut -- i have played. i try not to because i behave but your haircut became like a news item, right? because everybody's so interested in what's going on on "the walking dead" that theyomething
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right? >> like the zombies suddenly -- it was edward >> jimmy: did something zombie-related happen to your hair? >> it's so funny as it is with the show that we keep top secret. but the funny thing is or you won't find out or it was on the show or it wasn't on the show. but we will find out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. i feel like yourthe game of celebrity right now. [ laughter ] does your family ask you what's going on on the show? >> yeah. well, my friend -- my favorite text from my my hair was the global -- the polar ice caps are melting but your haircut is the top of every news feed. it was like on the scrollhe thing on cnn where it goes across the bottom? >> jimmy: it's the scroll. yeah. right. but in fairness, ice caps melt at a very, very scroll those all the time cnn would get no viewers at all. >> can you imagine, water just
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>> jimmy: i cannot.y the way, i never watch horror movies, but for some reason i watched "the boy." and i enjoyed it, actually. it's very, very -- very weird.hak say about the movie. because i feel like really anything i say might ruin part of it. so you go ahead and ruin it. wish my granddad was here. it rhymes with "the ry about a nanny, an american nanny who goes to england to look after a child toe couple actually wants her to look after a small doll. so it starts off in roaring hilarity and then it gets really, really scary. >> jimmy: yes. i feel like i should addt want to add ato it because i don't want to be the one who ruins it. but they -- >> it's twisty. >> jimmy: they treat the doll like a real child.
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ruined dolls in a way. because you had chucky and the doll in "saw." then the doll in the movie you remember that movie? you're probably too young for it. >> no, i know it. yes, yes. >> jimmy: i got the identical old me to watch it and i was afraid to watch it. >> jimmy: you should be afraid to watch it. it's a scary movie. but this doll, what's the name, brahms? >> brahms.ery scary doll. is the doll scary when you're acting with the doll or is it like oh, it's just a doll? >> it's kind of funny because he takes on this life of his own. hether actor in the film. >> jimmy: you're calling it he. it is not a he. [ laughter ] you might haveon't tell him, that jimmy. >> jimmy: some kind of stockholm syndrome when you're shooting this thing. >> it -- >> jimmy: it's an it. not a he. >> it'sust a doll. >> jimmy: brahms, as he's known. >> he would be on set sometimes after lunch and you'd go back to set and turn on the light and
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i don't want to disturb yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, there's really no explaining what goes on in this movie, but it's very weird and it's very entertaining. it's called "the boy." it's in theaters now. if you like scary dolls, it's doll movie for sure. lauren cohan. very good to see you. we'll be right back with music from lanita smith. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. that's a big bull. i think that's old cyrus.whatever the heck i want.
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'cause your girl approached me yesterday with you the other day she said you are her life and she's having your baby but i walked awayanna believe it but she walked back up with another reason she handed me it said i love you i trust you nobody else i need you and i want you and i gotta have you to myself i love you i trust youn't want nobody else i need you and i want you and i gotta have you to myself you tried to play me as your foollayed
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turned your lies made usnd all the love in the world can't change the pain i feel of my head your words still remain new re and look in the mirror i see a reflection appear of the person thatand used to be it's 2:00 in the morning and your words are still running through my head said to me before you left you saidust you and i don't want nobody else
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