and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live"! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- from "how to be single" alison brie, and music from banners, with cleto and the cletones. and now, more than likely, here's jimmy kimmel!

t of the program, my name is jimmy. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. that's very nice. and i appreciate it. but you're here on a very special night for someone else. our very own guillermo's birthday. happy birthday, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i tell you, 45 years ago today, a drunken storknto a hospital in mexico and out of his bindle rolled a little mustashoed i got in touch with his mom and she gave us photographs of you over the years. that's right, let's look at them. all right, guillermo in a baseball uniform.id you play, >> guillermo: catcher. >> jimmy: oh, nice. i played catcher too.

what's going on here?was my birthday, me and my grandma. >> jimmy: she has the same birthday? >> guillermo: no, it was my birthday. >> jimmy: i see, okay.assic photo. [ cheers and applause ] that's the day his moustache was born. how old were you when you had that moustache? >> guillermo: i think i was 18. >> jimmy: 18? this is guillermo and his mom elba. is that a lamp on top of a christmas tree by the w. >> jimmy: now this picture is one of my favorites. seen before. looks like you guys are up to no good here, huh? are you selling scorpions

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: were those officially licensed t-shirts or no? >> guillermo: no. make. >> jimmy: you had to make. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: why were you dressed asllermo: i think it was halloween. >> jimmy: oh. i don't think it was halloween. zoom dancing. yeah, that's some kind of a hairy-legged sex party going on. maybe that's your t know. >> guillermo: that was my uncle. >> jimmy: your uncle, well, you've come a long way. happy birthday. we have something special plan for youfeel neglected. did donald trump call you to bish you a happy birthday today? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: he did not, a slap in the face.

part in the debate on fox news because megyn kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. this morning he tweeted, i kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. instead i will only call her a lightweight reporter. he said that at 5:45 a.m. this is what he woke up thinking. this was in his brain at 5:45 -- you have to hand it to him, trump insults more women by n most people do all year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the reason that he doesn't like her, he claims unfair, which makes sense. fox news has a long and dark history of being unfair to republicans. [ laughter ]n race for president turn into "the real housewives?" i have to believe jeb bush is excited. it's like when the bully stays

one day of not getting beat staying home that school, this is wcbs new york. they had a reporter in the street talking to people outside braving winter storm jonas. father and son who were on an unusual mission. >> you came from where if. >> from shopping at the only store open on 86th my man did so well on his test, he wanted hand lotion, and we went up and got it. >> you got good marks?tion? as good as coal, right? >> yeah. >> want to make sure our hands stay moisturized. nd applause ] >> jimmy: i think we need to watch that again. >> you just came from where?g at the only store open on 86th street. my man here did so well on his test he wanted hand lotion and we got and it now they're got good marks? and you wanted hand lotion?

>> yeah. >> make sure our hands stay moisturized.a minute. is what i think going on here going on here? what kind of a kid gets rewarded with hand lotion? one more time. [ laughter ] >> you just came from where? >> shopping at the only store open on 86th street. my man here did so well on his test he just wanted some hand lotion and we went up and got y're closing. >> let me ask you, you got good marks and you wanted hand lotion? it's cold, right? >> yeah. hands stay moisturized. >> have a great night. >> jimmy: have a great night, and we have to go find a lock for his bedroom door. that's either a really good dad maybe -- probably both, actually. we have a very big show for you lite with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] one of the greatest players of

also has more nicknames than any player in nba history. shaq fool, loveshaq, manny shaqiao, baby shaq ribs, shaqty shaq don't talk back, give the dog a bone you name it, he's named it. it was not easy to get shaq here. i had to trade my cow for magic beans, plant the beeps, and to his home in the clouds to get him. also music from banser. and "how to be single" alison brie is with us. >> hi, jimmy! hi!nd applause ] >> jimmy: you're just a little bit early. >> no, no, i wanted to know if you'd like to buy girl scout cookies. all the talk show hosts are buying them. ellen bought 400 a little old to be in the girl scouts? >> jimmy.

are selling them. >> jimmy: you have kids? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: are you sure? >> . they're right here. come on out, kids! there's my girls. >> jimmy: hi, kids. >> my beautiful girls. >> jimmy: these are your -- >> my daughters. >> jimmy: looks like he's -- >> no, this is a girl. her name is -- lady. >> jimmy: hi, lady. hi, kids. >> lady and other -- other one. >> jimmy: this is your mom? what's her name? >> mommy. just stop [ bleep ]ing around and buy the damn cookies. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, kids, all right, all right. >> ellen boughtimmy: oh my god. how much is 400? >> $200. >> jimmy: i only have a $5,000 bill. would you cover this for me, >> guillermo: son of a bitch. >> gee yes, sir mow has your money. get the money. >> guillermo: take it easy! >> jimmy: i'll see you in a minute.

>> we might still have time to get to dr. phil, come on!t, that stungs. stungs k. it's his birthday! when we come back there is a vicious twitter feud happening right now between wiz khalifa and kanye west. and also to celebrate guillermo's b great expense to build a tequila funnel. this is a funnel that starts on our roof, it runs all the way down to our studio.we believe this is the longest tequila funnel in human history. and when we come back, we will put it to use. we'll be right back so stick

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eers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. still to come, alison brie and music from banners. to celebrate guillermo's today we built -- when i say we i do not mean me, kidd nothing -- someone here built a 432-foot-long margarita nd applause ] it runs up four flights of stairs to our roof. what we're going to try to do is have gee rare mow pour tech kilo and margarita mix in the then run down the stairs and beat the liquid down to have a victory sip for your birthday. >> guillermo: okay. >> jimmy: all right, very good. ready? think you can do this? my best. >> jimmy: go to the roof now so you're up there and ready. there goes guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's a v guillermo will die tonight.

him, running the stairs will. r. kelly did something he has been known to do. "gq" released a video in which r. kelly sings his life unscripted for 45 minutes nonstop. the whole thing this morning. well, this is how it starts. coming up in the hood i saw so many things se so many things brought me all of my dreams now here i am here i am today y-y-y-y-y >> jimmy: and so on for 45 minutes. it's unbelievable.lause ] amazing. you think about it, believing that anyone would want to hear you sing about your life for 45

believing you can fly. the only time you should story into a song is if you're davy crockett. that's just me. instead of making kelly, fox news should use r. kelly to. [ cheers and applause ] he'd do okay with that right? kanye west is in another twitters is this time it is not with me. this time it's a lot to digest but basically what happened was kanye revealed that he was changing the title of his new e third time. an album he's already calling the greatest album of all-time. changing it from "swish" to "waves."eeted, please don't take the wave, max b. is the wavy one, he created the wave, there is no wave without him. max b. is a rapper from harlemord wavy to describe his style, a sing song style of rapping.

coopt that if he named his album wiz tweeted, hit this kk and become yourself. now kanye went nuts. because wiz has a kid with kanye's ex, ambere assumed kk stood for kim kardashian. he angry posts, a lot of them. he's like, i can put his wife's initials on my twitter, wiz khalifa, first of all you sole your s from cutty, second your single was corny's f, and moster. wiz responded, kk is weed, fool. reasons why you're not wave, you go back to swiss.[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is on the i did not know either. kk is a nickname for marijuana. just what marijuana needed, another nye, who didn't know this,

he tweeted, you have distracted from my creative process. no one i know has everour albums all the way through. then he got personal. you let us a stripper trap you. i know you're mad every time you look at your child and that this girl got you for 18 our o.g., i will be respected as such. you own waves, i own your child, he says. but then kanye tweets, and this is where it gets weird.o look at your twitter and you were wearing cool pants. i screen grabbed those pants andle team. #wizwearscoolpants. i guess he realized at this time that kk didn't stand for kim ppy i know that kk means weed, please excuse the confusion. now back to #waves.eers and applause ] >> jimmy: he says he came up with waves. all this time i thought it was the ocean that created waves.

and biggie are watching this and saying, you've got to be kidding me. all right, let's go to the roof, guillermo is stand big. tequila and margarita. how much tequila have you already had today?lot, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell us what's going to happen here. you pour those in? >> guillermo: before i tell you something, from the bottom of my heart, we've got to get news a stupid idea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, well. as long as you speak from the bottom of your heart. all right, on the count of -- load it up! [ cheers and applause ] my: slow down, guillermo, slow down, you're going too fast! [ cheers and applause ]

there he goes.immy: look how fit, think if you did this every time. whatever this cost us, it wasre he comes. [ cheers and applause ]s your version of a half marathon. there it is! [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, everybody! you don't have to drink all of it. you don't have to drink it all. [ cheers and applause ]hday, guillermo. tonight, music from banners, alison brie is here. we'll be right back with

>> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by icy hot smart relief tens therapy. off chronic pain in your back, hips, knees, and shoulders. [richard] we're handing out 32 million dollars, a thousand dollars at a time. a thousand people win one thousand dollars. every single day. get in on this! und season. all the hard work... time in the service... community college... it matters.e, at university of phoenix,

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[ cheers and applause ] o the show. tonight, from the new movie "how to be single" alison brie is here. then later, making his network televisi-titled e.p. all the way from the u.k., banners from the samsung stage. tomorrow night, ewan mcgregor,

music from tory lanez.n us for all of that. by the way my security guard is hammered right now. completely drunk. >> guillermo: only a little bit. >> jimmy:trouble at a restaurant called casa vega. we're getting into that. we'll get to the bottom of it. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is a giant in the world of sports --in the world. he has four nba championship rings on his fingers and a superman tattoo on his arm. watch him on tnt thursdays on "inside the nba." please say hello to shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how's it going? >> doing fine, how are you? >> jimmy: doing well, thank you. i feel like you're getting

>> yes, i am. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on guillermo's birthday. did you bring him a gift? did you know it was his birthday? >> no, but i'd like to sing happy birthday to him.lause ] >> jimmy: that would be lovely. >> i need the crowd participation. >> jimmy: all right, all right. [ cheers and applause ]ce. >> no, no, just relax. happy birthday to you happy birthday to you dear guillermo happy birthday to you [ cheers and applause ]that was nice. a little guillermo bongo. >> guillermo, youaby. hey, that was nice.

him, yeah, yeah. by the way, you know how to throw a party, don't >> jimmy: you have big parties at your house? >> i on used to when i was younger. >> jimmy: you used to. you had a big party for your son's birthday. his 16th birthday. >> yes, i: how many people were at that party? >> like 300 little screaming kids. >> jimmy: 300 kids. chuck e. cheese? at the house? where did you have it?ound jefferson's, a little art gallery i rented out, we had food trucks outside, it was awesome. >> jimmy: this is what i really thought was interesting. this is your son right here, yes. >> jimmy: this is his birthday present. you got him a jeep. which is really nice. looks like it's customized. but in addition to the jeep, you also. >> that was -- that was more of a academic >> jimmy: an incentive gift. >> yeah, even though i bought

the deal is if you get all a's this semester or any you graduate, it's yours. >> what if he doesn't, then whose lamborghini is it? >> when he turns 18 maybe i'll give to it him but probably not. probably after he graduates fromt it's in the garage, sitting, chilling, relaxing. >> jimmy: can you fit into the lamborghini? >> i got it specially done for immy: because he is tall as well? >> 6'10" 10 '10" right now. >> jimmy: you're lucky he didn't come out of you, you know? [ laughter ] >> you're right. you're right.my: by the way, "inside the nba" i think is not just the best sports show, i think it's one of the best shows on televie ] i love watching you guys. i love when you and barkley go at it.w, you or barkley? >> barkley. >> jimmy: barkley weighs more? >> his middle name is shamu.

>> jimmy: and you guys like to uscle. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> trust me, all muscle. right now i have a 4.9 pack. not a 6 pack. a 4.9. 6 pack isork out every day? >> every day. >> jimmy: sit-ups? >> i don't do situps. >> what do you do? >> a lot of weights, swimming. >> do you ever go out andr that kind of thing? >> i used to. >> jimmy: this lamborghini needs to move! the big nba story this week was blake griffin of the clippers isng to be out four to six weeks because he punched his assistant equipment manager in -- i don't know where he punched him. have there been dumber -- like in your experience as a player have you heard of anything dumber than that? on this show. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really, guys we would know -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- getting injured. >> make up a story?

>> jimmy: they do? >> big story. i can't even repeat it. >> jimmy: do you think you could -- >> stitches is stitches, you can't do u think they could keep it quiet now just with the internet and social media? >> these days, no. >> jimmy: these days, no, you have to tell the truth. >> it's very he clippers are almost on their way. and, you know, he's a superstar player. so whenever things don't go right, the superstar player's the first guy to get blamed. so if they happen not to they won't win this year anyway, even with him on the court. i'm just saying. you know. if they happen to get to a certain point, they don't makelways going to look back at this incident. you know, playoffs, going to the playoffs, it's all about certain positions, certain game. so let's just say they're fourd spot, they would have ended up playing denver in the first round, rather than sacramento or somebody. they're going to always go back weeks that he missed because he punched somebody. >> jimmy: have you ever punched

>> yes. >> jimmy: -- like in a boxing f course. >> jimmy: this is a guy -- is he still on this planet? >> he's on mars right now. [ laughter ] applause ] >> jimmy: matt damon? wow. what time do you wake up in the morning? i heard -- >> i don't wake up in the morning. >> what time do you go to bed? >> 4:00, 4:00, 5:00 a.m.? every night? >> we get off at 2:30, takes s s hour to get home, then flippingannels, i'm sleeping around 4:00, 5:00. >> jimmy: you have a team of servants that wake you and wash you -- >> no, not anymore. >> jimmy: you don't have any of that stuff? why not? why did you give that up? >> different time, i'm retired. >> the lakers retired your jersey. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] honor that is usually only given after you're inducted into the hall of fame. >> right.

certainly will coming up here. when is the hall of fame induction y say they're going to make an announcement at all-star weekend, so hopefully i'm a big part of that announcement. >> jimmy: i would think you would be.o be. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: or else somebody's going to get hit again. >> you're right. >> jimmy: have you started thinking about your speech and what you will say? >> no. >> jimmy: you have not.bout who will introduce you? >> well, if i get picked i will have to have dr. j., magic johnson, and dale >> jimmy: nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a pretty good group. do you have -- is it like baseball where you have to choose a team?o in as a laker? how will you -- will you have to make a decision? >> i've already made my decision. if i'm that good and they invite me or if they saygh to be in the hall of fame, i'll probably go in as a laker. [ cheers and applause ]

now, the lakersthing, outside the staples center, there are statues. put those up on the wall. i want to look at these. you can see they've got jerry west, they've got magic, they've got hey've got -- well, i think -- you see what this is right now? >> yes. >> jimmy: you don't know about this.o you. the lakers asked me to mention it. this is the statue of you staples center. >> is it? >> seriously? >> jimmy: i swear to god. this is not a joke. i swear to god. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's it, that's what it's going to look like. [ cheers and applause ]ou're playing. i don't believe you. >> jimmy: i'm stupid but i'm not that stupid, believe me. this is for real. i'm not kidding at all. that is an artist rendering of the statue that is going to go staples center. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: for real, i'm not

i imagine there are going to be some profaneen with this kind of a thing. i mean, really. look at me right up here.ns to you on that. that's a pretty big deal. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know youty them i'm kidding but i'm not. >> you ille o'neal, watch "inside the nba" thursday nights on tnt. we'll be right back, don't go

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lause ] >> jimmy: we are back. still to come, music from banners.s a talented actress whom you know from the show "community" and the movie "get hard." she has an informational and entertaining new comedy called "how to be single." it opens in theaters february 12th.ison brie. [ cheers and applause ]

be careful, you don't want to slip into the shaq indentation in the couch. >> i feel so small on the chair now. >> jimmy: i know. now i feel like i'm the big one again.e shaq everywhere with me so then everywhere i go i feel super petite when i walk in. >> jimmy: don't you feel super petite in >> jimmy: well, yeah. do you want a shot off the margarita funnel? we could load it up, it will take about a minute to come i'm okay. >> jimmy: you don't drink out of funnels? >> happy birthday. >> guillermo: thank you very much. >> jimmy: yeah, he's having a rough night. >> iwe got into some stuff during the commercial break, guillermo's having troubles at home. anyway. are you a drinker yourself? >> i'm not a big drinker these jimmy: you were at one time? >> i've gone through phases of drinking a lot. definitely when i was in college. >> jimmy: right. >> i opened the door to it.ad a bit in scotland. >> jimmy: you did. >> so you have to drink a lot when you're over there.

>> a general rule. >> jimmy: i've not been over there but it does seem that that is kind of the way. even like on>> oh, yeah. i mean, my firth day -- i don't think i started classes yet, and the dean of admissions took foreign exchange student into his office and offered us sherry. >> jimmy: the dean? >> the dean. he was so scottish. it just felt right. i mean, and wey innocent at the time. i sort of remember us looking at each other like, should we? then we felt very refined, like i do, i do alwaysschool. i'd love a glass of sherry, thank you, sir. >> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. did you enjoy being in scotland? >> i loved it, loved it. drinking. no, it was just the drinking. >> jimmy: mostly the drinking? >> it was really great. there's a lot of churches that are turned into bars, which is a cool . >> you don't see that in l.a. >> jimmy: yeah, occasionally you do.

there is one called the abbey that was an abbey. >> oh,>> jimmy: yeah. >> well, okay. but a thing you don't see in l.a. which is my favorite thing that i ever saw in scotland was, it was 9:00 a.m., i was walking to school, and i just saw a agpiper in full garb playing and then just fall over, pass out drunk in the middle of the street. just like a tree branch.essential scottish moment. >> jimmy: what could be more scottish than that? >> it was amazing. >> jimmy: did anyone help him? >> no, i ran over to see if he was wearing underwear. it'sn't, under the kilt. >> jimmy: just like the song, they didn't wear it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very considerate of you. >> yeah, i thought i'd check it pretty sure that's a sex crime by the way. >> he didn't seem to mind. >> jimmy: in this movie you shot in new york, was that a fun experience for you? >> so the city on the streets there? >> it was so fun. i love it. we have such a great cast.

nevermy: that's what i've heard. >> it was great. we shot a lot. the movie is about dating and single life and we spend a lot of late at night. we were constantly surrounded by a lot of drunk people who were good night. one night we had toaybe not to return to our trailers just yet because there was a couple fornicating against them. >> jimmy: oh, against them, r maybe like right in front of them. i like to think they were standing. >> jimmy: really? >> leaning against the trailer. >> jimmy: and they felt it would them? >> yes.nish. and we did. >> jimmy: the movie, your character in the movie dates a lot of very horrible guys, right? >> they're not the best, you're not. >> jimmy: have you had that experience yourself? where you've been on these terrible dates with weird >> no. i feel like i'm letting down the

>> i've not been on a lot of bad dates. but i've had a recent stalker. so that's sort of -- >> jimmy: oh, no. really? >> oh,my: no, no. that's a weird thing to share, yeah. >> it is. do you want to hear about mymy: of course i want to hear about your stalker. this will really excite him. [ laughter ] >> so a few months ago we e gifts left on the front lawn of my house. >> jimmy: oh. >> sort of like inside the gate. so there's a gated entry. but within the gate, very specific kind of food, ood items left. like on this one part of the grass near the front door -- it was a very specific part. i'm not doing it justice. part of the lawn to have something left on. first i thought maybe a hiker just threw their trash over. it would be like baja fresh, or taco t. >> and sort of just be laying there. at first it was anger in that way. then i thought maybe it was our

don't though we totally do. but then it started to get even more specific. there would be a whole foods container wet just a fork the center of it. always in the same place. >> jimmy: that's no good. >> so we debated putting up cameras. but cameras are just so and i kind of wanted to stay up late and just see if we could catch -- i felt like someone was messing with us. it was very annoying.im in the act. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yes. so i'd had some groceries delivered. don't worry about it. cool thing. they had been -- it's sort of been sitting out. i'd take the groceries inside, i was going through, there were things missing. i was angrily e-mailing my nuts are missing! >> jimmy: oh, that is -- >> they thought i was sexually harassing them, it was horrible.

coming from a guy or a girl, itrrible. >> i went out front to look. and there he was. standing in the driveway. standing between the little patch of grass that already had food on it and my was about four feet tall, beady eyes. it was a coyote. >> jimmy: oh! ] >> it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: yeah, but that's -- this sounds bad in a way. >> it was a little dangerous. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i >> jimmy: you tell them to go. >> they don't move. i stood there for ten minutes like, it was you! get out of here! what the hell, how dare you! and he wouldn't listen. he charged at>> jimmy: right. >> to my stairs. i tried to posture and be like, hooh! what i feel like guys are going to do when they get in a fistfight, immy: and?

i just shut the door. >> jimmy: you did the right thing.ctive to coyotes, who would have guessed. >> i know. but now it's okay to have his eyes on me. he hasn't been back. i shamed him enough with myeasoned with him. it's very good to see you. i'm glad you survived the scare. alison brie, everybody! "how to be single"h. be right back with banners!mmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. our next item is a genuine "name your price" tool. this highly sought-after device from progressive can be yours for... twving it away for just 3 easy payments

the lines are blowing up! we've got deborah from poughkeepsie. flo: yeah, no, it's flo. you guyse "name your price" tool for free on progressive.com, right? [ laughing nervously ] ] i know, it's like they're always on television.

icky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to shaquille o'neal, alison brie. apologies to mattime. "nightline" is next but first, this is his self-titled e.p., making his late night tv debut with the song "shine a light"

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ht will lead the way will set you free ooh ooh ooh ooh ' cause i'm only looking for a little peace night falls oh, call on me just don't forget to show me some mercy ooh ooh take me higher h-oh

oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on me ' cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me on me searching for some grace i'll tell you now if i could hear your voicehow sweet the sound i'm praying please don't don't let me drown just carry me away to solid ground mine ooh

oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me ' cause i was lost at seawere dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on ooh ooh ooh ooh oh-oh-oh-ohe a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on me

cause i was lost at seae the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on me