"jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: from hollywood! "this week in unnecessary censorship" --nez with cleto and the cletones. and now, get it together, here's jimmy kimmel!

>> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming.t passionate love, i appreciate it. last night was guillermo's birthday. i say we had a 432-foot-long margarita funnel. it started on the flights of stairs down to our studio. it put the "fun" back in "funnel" last night. you drank quite a bit. >> guillermo: i had a great jimmy: yeah, we had to send you home in a car. >> guillermo: yeah, your assistant took me home. >> jimmy: my assistant took you home? when you got home your family was dinner ready for you? >> guillermo: they had food but i told them, let's cut the cake, i'm tired, i'm going to go to

>> jimmy: youhday dinner? >> guillermo: yeah, i was tired. >> jimmy: what food did they have for you? >> guillermow, this is a melting pot, you know? all right, so you went right to sleep. you're a lot of fun. did your son know you came home from work drunk? >> guillermo: no, no, no. >> jimmy: he did not.you think he'll start to become aware of that? year. >> jimmy: maybe next year. earlier tonight on fox news the republican presidential debate, without donald trump, which to quote the great crooner from the is kind of like corn flake without the milk. trump as you probably know refused to appear in thee of a dispute he's having with fox news and one of their he'ses, megyn kelly. he's had a problem with megyn kelly ever since she followed

name is trumpelstiltskin. he refused to be part of the broadcast like a kid who took his ball and went home. he tweeted, the debate a total disaster, low ratings with advertisers, advertising rates dropping like a rock, i hate to see this. i'm sure. i'm sureim up inside to see it. if this were wwe, donald trump would have shown up in iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and startedr the head. unfortunately it isn't. dr. ben carson was also not present for the debate. i mean, he was there. he participatresent. we have a clip? this is what the republican debate was like tonight bout donald trump.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i've never seen a wrestling move like that. i'm trying to find a way to work that in. trump got a major endorsement thisend jerry falwell jr. when trump visited his school, liberty university, falwell said, this is a quote," in my opinion donald trump lives a life of loving and as jesus taught." you know, yeah, he does remind me a lot of jesus, the same kind of humility.he same guy, really. it does seem strange that a christian leader would endorse a candidate who's kind of a poster child for the seven deadly familiar they

which in this case -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: -- is living on his head. this is fox news, retired army lieutenant colonel ralph peters talking about the situation in fun to see a highly decorated army guy get his tongue tied. >> we cannot afford to dump money on these problems any more. we've got to think -- we've got to smite fart --t. as our enemies are doing. >> we understand what you're trying to say. >> jimmy: yeah. i don't know if our enemies are smiting farts, maybe we should be helping ocratic side, bernie sanders is acting a little donald trump-y, said he wants more debates but not on hillary clinton's terms,is own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch "wheel of fortune." and they also cannot be scheduled on nights when he has his hip-hop dance this is good news for bernie sanders. according to a new government

living to be 100 years old and older than ever. which is scary because it means e years of justin bieber. but it is -- this is interesting. 80% of those who live past 100 are women. only 20% are men. very smart move [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he multiplied his chances of living longer means people will be working longer to have enough money to cover them when they can't work anymore. a lot of older people are doing now as aing uber drivers. uber, for real, uber teamed up with aarp to recruit older drivers. i joke but it is not a joke. one-quarter of uber drivers are overgy and many are much older than that. miss daisy driving you.

for union fer your car's more than ten years old. and what elderly person has a car that is old? two them tops, maybe. so many retirement-aged people are driving for uber now that they've added it asn the app. >> at uber we offer many options to suit your lifestyle. now that so many retired people are signing up as drivers, we are pro uber old. select uber old and within hours an elderly person will pick you up. >> are you joe? >> hi, that's hat's me. >> are you joe? >> yeah. >> with uber old you'll ride inest seed covers. and during your ride you are guaranteed to hear the full life story of at least two just hope she finds a nice man who isn't popping drugs this the time. but my grandson nathan --

>> my grandson nathan is a uber old gets you to your destination in twice the time of a regular uber. >> this is good right here. >> okay. >> wherever it's safe. >> oh! there you go, oh! >> can you rate five stars? >> sure. >> you know, i mean, do you know how to do it? >> oh -- yeah, here, j. >> this one? >> you're in the camera. >> oh. >> no, you -- you've got to get -- you're still in the camera, you've got to get out of the -- go to the uber app old, because everything fast. and for drivers who are no longer legally allowed to drive, uber rascal. >> joe? >> uber use ] >> jimmy: it's over. or is it? we're going to take a break. when we come back from the

best country in the world and ise funny answers. "this week in unnecessary censorship" too. stick arck! [ cheers and applause ] rootmetrics, in the nationy, tested wireless performance across the country. verizon, won big with one hundred fifty three state wins. sprint got two, and t mobile got, zero. for data, call speed, and reliability. stuck on an average network? join verizon and we'll cover your costs to switch. money with your refund? more? ousand

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use ] >> jimmy:al burress, music from tory lanez. there's new barbie for years there's been criticism about barbie's physique being unobtainable, a false image for girls. barbie is now available in three new body types. kendall, kylie, and khloe no. no, here they are.

the first one, that is petite barbie. i guess to make shorter girls feel better? she's like kind of e next is tall barbie. that's progressive. they made her from a model into a supermodel. and this is what they call curvy barbie.rbie-q. and i guess this is the one that's supposed to represent real women's bodies? why is curvy barbie dree person? why is she wearing a bow like the one you see on cars when the husband gives his wife a new mitsubishi for christmas? new barbie dolls are designed to more accurately reflect the body types of the creepy middle-aged men who collect them. i don't know, hopefully t girls feel good about themselves, i don't know. from my own point of view it always made me feel better about my body knowing ken had no ] [ cheers and applause ]

yesterday a group calledional released a ranking of the most corrupt countries in the world. there was a tie for most corruptnd somalia. so congratulations to them. the united states finished 16th, which is actually the best ranking we've ever had. countries are denmark, finland, and sweden. the less -- i think when it's dark 80% of the day, no one has the energy to do anything wrong.ear a lot, especially during campaign season, about how great america is or how great america was. we grew up -- i grew up hearing that america was number one. and i never questioned that. we aremmit, we'll kill anyone who says we aren't. but i wondered what kids today think. so we sent a camera crew on the street to ask them, what isry in the world? and this is what the kids had to say.

the world? i don't know. >> what do you think the best country in the world is? um -- chicago? >> what do you think the best country in the world is?ere we are now. >> why do you think that this is the best country in the world? >> because i just love this o you think is the best country? >> paris? france? >> you think france is the how come? >> um -- because there's usually a lot of like cute poodles there and i like poodles. >> what do you think thetry in the world is? >> new york. >> why is new york the best country in the world? >> because you cancountries have you >> disney land. >> did you know kids in

their days in is like disneyland, and they >> yes. >> you know that? >> no. >> it doesn't? >> i mean yes. >> what do you think the greatest country in the world erica. >> why? >> because there's fun beaches and -- yeah.rea? there they give everybody a free haircut and a rocket. >> no. >> you wouldn't want to live >> no. >> why not? >> because what if they do bad >> if you could live in any country where i do woo want to live. >> california, so here. >> have you ever been to australia? >> no. >> do you know there that each kid gets their own really? >> uh-huh. and they don't have to do homework ever. >> really? >> yes. >> i want a koala bear. >> what do you think the bess? >> i guess japan. >> how come?

>> where's the palace? >> it's kind up in the straits. >> who lives in thea queen. >> i guess i just thought about it. up? >> uh-huh. >> you didn't really learn about >> no. >> have you ever been to any other country? >> nuh-uh. but i've been to sacramento.five countries? >> america. california. michigan.and china. >> one more? >> um -- yogoland.

department of tourism. >> jimmy: all right. tonight burr blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> a ay, and this is what's going on today. time for a big [ bleep ]. >> my [ bleep ] is in your hands. do with it as youill i [ bleep ] trump i will suck his [ bleep ] personally. >> look at [ bleep ] here. >> michael, you hurt me with]. you really did. but that's okay. >> what do you think of each of these ladies? >> what do you think? that's a better question. >> [ bleep ] them all. >> i you should enjoy [ bleep ]. >> we're talking about national [ bleep ] your dog month. >> january is national [ bleep ] your dog month. >> only donald trump center stage. >> the football team, come on,

size of these [ bleep ]s, they're monsters. >> you have the greatest job in america and you have the biggestbegin on your face. >> i called her and that is when their dog jumped their fence and [ bleep ]ed my dog from behind and it resulted in death. >> let me tell you derek. where we come from, [ bleep ]ing a man's [ bleep ] is against the law. >> i don't care.t on the show we have music from tory lanez, hannibal burress is here, and be right back withk around! [ cheers and applause ] s of jimmy kimmel are brought to you by icy hot smart relief tens therapy. off chronic pain in your back,

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and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. tonight a very funny gentleman with a new comedy special that premieres next friday on ss is here. then, from toronto, this is his single. it's called "say it."z from the samsung stage tonight. this iway. it looks like his fingernail's going through his nose. next week, we have a great week

jason sudeikis, lionel richie, channing tatum, regina king,ve salmoni will bring his wild animal friends, and we will have music from old dominion, kopecky and elton john will be back. he couldn't stay away. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please join us for each and every one of those shows next week.st tonight is a two-time golden globe-nominated actor who successfully battled heroin in "trainspotting" and sith lords in "star wars."us cowboy colin mccann in "jane got a gun." it opens in theaters tomorrow, please say hello to ewan mcgregor.lause ] >> jimmy: how are you?d you? >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> great to see you. the actor who successfully battled heroin? i was standing there going, >> jimmy: in that role. >> yes, yes.

tonight. >> i do, i ride everywhere most of the time.f my kids with me. i'm usually on two wheels. >> have you ever put a side car >> i do. i have a side car. think. some people do that. i ride around with my dog in >> jimmy: a dog. >> i harness him, he can't jump he must love that. >> dogs like having their head out the window of the car. >> jimmy: yeah. dogs invented the side car in a way. >> it's overload, completely -- just trying to keep anytime the heroin world. >> jimmy: our band leader cleto when we were kids had a bicycle called a side hack on the >> jimmy: i would get in the side hack. then he would drive me into garbage pails all the time. into walls and stuff. >> have youat long? >> jimmy: since we were kids. >> i made "big fish" years ago.

i had to ride a side car in and then -- beautiful actress, alison low man. no, that was -- i don't know, saying good-bye to her. then they took -- they did the shot of me riding away and i looked back. i hitcan, spinning in the air. >> jimmy: that's what happened to me. you posted photograph on instagram that i'd like to show. let's put that up on the wall. i'm curious to know, first of you in this picture? >> 16. >> jimmy: is this your first car? >> yes, it is. >> jimmy: a volkswagen bug, obviously. what >> it was a laid one. 1978. beetle. i think it came from south after xa. it it. the wrong taillights and stuff. apparently it's from south africa. i don't know how it ended up in scotland but it did. >> jimmy: the reason you put on itng for it? >> i'd like it back. >> jimmy: you want it back. >> yeah, i love v ws and i've got several of them. i won't mention how many.

window bug. >> jimmy: all beetles? >> all beetles. my hair's sticking up in th>> jimmy: well, look at it there. >> yeah, exactly. being young again. i've got a bunch of vws and about all the time. >> jimmy: nobody responded? >> i've tried and tried. >> jimmy: how would they know? >> well, license plate -- >> jimmy: the license plate, you think it stayed? i see. >> stayed the same, yeah. anyway. i think it rusted away and it's jimmy: and this bottle of champagne, was there for or for christening? >> it was a christening. i was 16 years old. and i'd washed dishwasher -- i went to school, i was educated, almost. i went to -- washed dishes in a hotel from the age of 14 to save up to buy a car.

and i drove up there with my dad. you know, we drove it back. >> jimmy: isn't it the best when you save up for something and then you buy it?h better than it just being handed to you. >> yeah, i know. i really valued it and i loved it very much. i wasn't able to drive it for over a year because i was too can't drive till you're 17. >> jimmy: wow. >> i did drive. i did take it out now and then. >> jimmy: of course, yeah. we're going to show a clip from your manufactury but io see what you look like so that they recognize you when they see the clip. you are almost unrecognizable. >> yes, that's one of the paparazzi shots that you don't -- i was having my hair dyed for the film. because i haven't got dark hair.e salon and there was a bank of these [ bleep ]s. waiting for me. and i go, for [ bleep ]w, i've got a big

>> jimmy: you look like a village person or something. >> anyway, yes, that's what like in the movie. >> jimmy: most people don't know that you, i didn't realize this, that you're in -- >> an ex-heroin addict? >> jimmy: in the >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how many people -- how many of ewan in the movie? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay. >> they really gave themselves away. >> jimmy: they're lying.n the movie. >> i recorded a line for it. it was very late in the day. i'd been waiting for the call to come for two years. >> jimmy: really?my agent's phone number? and then i got called. just shortly before it was released by j.j., and he asked me to come in. he said, part of it, love you to be in it. and there's a sequence where we

we hear obi wan kene coming from the decent reaches of the force or wherever it does come from. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> i was like, yeah, i'd love to be in it, i've been waiting for your call. i was able to see som anybody else had seen it. very impressed. very, i recorded a line for it. >> jimmy: they did a melding? >> yes. >> jimmy: of your voice and alece? >> yes. the line is "rae, rae --" i've got to channel him again.r first steps." but they got alec guinness to do rae, which is extraordinary because he's not alive anymore. [ laughter ]'s really impressive, yeah. >> amazing what they can do these days. but they found -- they got a line of him as obi wan saying then they custody the "a" and "d" off and got the "rae."

and i say "these are your first : that's exciting. we're going to see a clip when we come back," jane got a gun." ewan mcgregor is here. we'll be right back! to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. pens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side representative. reaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile.streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs

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where is she? don't know. >> jane! putting a bullet in your boyfriend! >> going to shoot me in the back like the coward you are? ugh! >> it appears she's left you once again, mr. frost.ch and i will blow your head off. >> jimmy: ewan mac gregor in "jane got a gun" in theaters tomorrow. what is the what is it about? >> well, i don't want to give it away. >> jimmy: oh, well -- >> berlin, berlin. it was ay a challenge to get made. i think they started and stopped making the film three times. i came on really last minute. there's a very long list of other actors. >> jimmy: i heard -- to play my role. >> the director didn't show up or something? >> i don't know exactly what happened. >> jimmy: well, i do. >> you do, yeah.

temp agency or something and say, get a director. >> the director was brilliant. some other actors role couldn't end up doing it. i'd gotten back from "son of a gun." i was only making films with tle. they said, can you get to new mexico? like tomorrow? and i went, yeah, all right. off i went. i've always wanted to make a western. >> jimmy: is that -- for an s a cowboy? >> it's so great? like a childhood dream? a way. >> i've always wanted to do it. there's not many scottish westerns, really. make one here in america. and i loved it. and i got to play the bad guy and everything. it was really great. >> jimmy: are there nonamerican westerns?e maybe mexican westerns. >> australia. i think australian -- probably some -- i don't know.t know either. >> most of them -- most of the old spaghetti westerns were shot

>> jimmy: i don't know, i didn't know they had spaghetti in spain, but that's probably -- close to italy. >> jimmy: someone saw you in "star wars" as well. so what was that? that was your first western? >> yeah, then i made twone because i was shooting this film up there in new mexico. and a day when i was only in the first scene then the last scene. i had all day to hang knew seth mcfarland was shooting "a million ways to die in the west." on "a million days to lie in the i went to visit them, because i knew people in the cast. i was saying hello to charlize theron and she said, do you want to be? be in it? i had the moustache and everything. i went to their wardrobe, and i had to wait there to be shot in a film i wasn't really in. >> jimmy: did they the movie to put you in?

they gave me a line to say. so i am in that. i'm now in two westerns. >> wow.] >> jimmy: you're a free spirit. it was very good to see you. the movie is "jane got a gun." it opens in theaters tomorrow. everybody. be right back with han mall

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>> jimmy: hi there. still to come, music from tory lanez.'ve been watching on being made, our next guest has a up, "comedy camisado" premieres please say hello to hannibal buress.nd applause ] up, man? >> jimmy: i'm admiring your shirt, what is going on there? >> my shirt? it's a lady taking off her panties by standing by a dog. >> jimmy: oh,y day.

>> jimmy: how are you doing? i see you on tv all the time, the movie with will ferrell, mark wahlberg. things aring going well? >> things are cool. >> jimmy: is standup stillg, the thing you love more than anything? >> no, i like selling cell phones now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that would be anfor you to take. >> i did a commercial for a cell phone company. and so i started having people hit me up out ofy from high school wrote me saying, hey, man, saw that commercial, real cool stuff, i got to come check out a show. >> jimmy: really? standupll phone commercial. and i think it would be weird if he came to my show and then was disappoig about phones. he's like, you don't talk about phones, you just talk about

traveling all the time. cell phones once. >> jimmy: you did a show in japan? >> you been to japan? >> jimmy: never been, no. >> tokyo's anese people than i thought, way more. i expected there to be a lot of japanese people? there were five times more japanese people than i thought. it was so many people. >> jimmy: did you perform there? >> at this -- at a british pub in japan. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah, in tokyo, a british did you look around? i imagine you got plenty of time to explore. >> ate lot of noodles. had noodles about 15 times. >> you're not interested in fishthing? >> i had some fish on the side of my noodles. >> mostly noodles. have you performed in the country where english is not the primary language before? >> time. it was interesting just trying to -- japanese is a character-based language. >> jimmy: yes. >> you can't just pick it up.

at spanish and french words and say, i see what they're going for. >> jimmy: right. >> okay, i see the angle, i can when i look at japanese? i just think, oh, that's a ladder. next to that ladder is a sideways ladder. that's all i got. please bring me the english >> jimmy: did you do any other countries in asia? >> i went to dubai. >> jimmy: wow. >> united arab emirates. >> how did you wind up there? >> they said, here's a bag of nt to do standup in dubai? and i said, sure, yeah. that is the right amount of money. >> jimmy: what was that like? >> it went well, man. it went eople. it's a lot of money. they waste money on stuff in dubai. i got pitched. i was walking through a asually said, you want to buy an apartment that's half under water? but not even a hard sell. he was just like, as i walked

like, hat $2 million underwater apartment. that's real. >> jimmy: intentionally under water? >> yeah, under water. >> jimmy: people live in them?e in them two months out of the year and rent it out the rest of the time, yeah. >> jimmy: wow. very strange. especially in the desert. >> yeah, it's very weird. market there. and a lot of these guys -- it's very kind of a narrow place where, you know, little shops on either side. it's a lot of the same thing. >> jimmy: right. >> so they have to stand out. and so the thing they would do, they'd try to gauge what country you're from. then yell out something real or two words to try to get your attention. so they would engage -- my group was american. they would yell out "oh baba!" one guyut "hakuna matada!" what does that mean? that is racist?

one guy is dude?" another guy is like," yes, exactly!" that was his bit. "yes, exactly." how d business with you. >> jimmy: yeah, right. speaking of foreign languages, your special is "comedy means a military attack that occurs at night. >> jimmy: really? >> there's nothing funny about it. >> jimmy: no, no. >> i like how the word sounds.buddy hajj jesus send me words for a tour name and i took it. >> jimmy: he found it in the spanish know, because another word he came up with was [ bleep ] waffle camisado. i'm like, i can't call myfle camisado. you're well known that people are coming to your shows specifically to see you, instead

like do youanymore? is it always solid? >> it's mostly -- mostly professional. i keep it professional. because people deserve it. they pay money. apart. >> jimmy: where was this show? >> west palm beach. >> jimmy: oh. yeah. >> november 2014. oh, man. my buddy al, were on tour, the last day of a ten-day bus tour. his buddy had -- he had a yacht club membership. we went all day, then me and al drinking on the bus. at some point i forget there's a show. >> jimmy: oh. >> i remember getting in the cab on the way to the show. when i got to the ealize a show was happening. we got to the green room and i was looking at all the stuff. oh, t realize. i said, why is all the stuff that i like here? i thought i was being set up.

>> jimmy: for real? >> i post about it. yeah, i'll be in phoenix and somebody like, don't mess it up like west palm beach! and that was a special experience! nobody else gets that show. >> jimmy: that's true. >> yeah! that's a unique show!s right there! me drunk, it was great. so sweaty. >> jimmy: very good to see you, i'm happy for for you. >>atching the netflix special. "comedy camisado" premieres one week from tomorrow on netflix. hannibal buress, everybody!music from tory lanez. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: theve" concert series is

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the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank ewan mcgregor, hannibal buress and apologize to matime. "nightline" is next but first

debut with the song "say it,"epin' it honest you wouldn't want a young -- if i wasn't whippin this foreign that's why i came back top down you gon have tosay it you gon have to do less when you do it lil mama you know i show it always want you to prove it you gon have to do more than just say it less when you do it lil mama you know i show it so you gon need to more than just prove it ooh babe and you know you know in this foreign car let it go and you know you know and you know gn car let you know but how you know that i want you and you want me but i not know you know i know that this ain't right cause you and me

inside my foreign slam my door you know i know that you been on it but i been on it on the low so let a young --eah love when you spin round on it yeah even though a young -- want you shawty i promise the truth me down on it yeah you know i'm gonna yeah that's why i came back top down you gon have to say it ave to do less when you do it lil mama you know i show it always want you to prove it you gon have to do more than just say it less when you do it lil mama you know i show it so you gon need to more than just prove it oh babe and you know you knowow in this foreign car let it go and you know you know and you know car

gots to break it down for you to let you know you know there's thingsr ain't goin act like you ain't bout my dough you know i know but girl you know i'm down for take your time to find you out won't hesitate to take the time to waste no baby the foreign out to play you know its things it takes so let a young -- get down on it yeah love when you spin round on it yeah even though a young -- want you shawty i promise the truth me down on it yeah you love when i'm down on it yeah you know i'm gonna spend time on it yeah that's why i came back top down you gon have to say it you gon have to do less when you do it lil mama you know i show it always want you to prove it you gon have to do more than just say it to do less when you do it lil mama you know i show it so you gon need to more than just oh babe

my man mars on the keys. we got t. love on the boards, it's none other than uncle chuck on the guitars. and carlos on the drums. now this is a special, specialson only. we got the original brownstone in the building, baby. say it baby do it show it show it baby prove it say it do it show it say it say it say it do it show it prove it say i just wanna see your body move in different ways

come close to you i get so close to you say it leave me if she hears about this l.a. confidential l.a. confidential ver has to hear about this l.a. confidential ohh i got somebody so i can't -- with just anybody but sometimes i get lonely so let me keep it real with you real with you can you keep it real with me real with me