>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight --- from "the real o'neals", martha plimpton --

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! applause ] or coming. i like you already. [ cheers and applause ] i was thinking about. you know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke,y people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? well, anyway, donald trump won super tuesday. [ laughter ], thousands of cnn graphics later, the votes have been counted, and the big winners were hillary clinton. google reported saying that the

canada" jumped 350% last night.'s not a joke. [ cheers and applause ] by the can't. he's going to build a wall up there too. he's going to keep the mexicans out and the rest of us in. that's the plan. do you think in canada anyone ever threatening to move to people like they don't. [ laughter ] trump and clinton, each won seven.on three states. ted cruz won two. his home state of texas and oklahoma. i think people in texas might be he'll move to washington. cruz spoke to his voters last night. while for most people it would a victory speech on the night you lost eight out of 11 states, but he made some excellent points. >> this much is certain. january 20,

office. [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, that much is certain. but what else? >> and on that day, we will have a new president of the united states. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so he's being replaced. it's all so interesting, the political process. weirdly the candidate who garnered a lot of theuesday was one who's not even running anymore, new jersey governor chris christie. he flew all the way to florida torump supporting him. and this is what people were commenting on. watch this. so throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. he looks like he saw the bottom supposedly bottom pasta bowl at olive garden.

cancer.[ cheers and applause ] what is that? what did donald trump do to him? he's standing there like of thrones." dr. ben carson didn't win any states last night, but don't tell him. he slept through the whole eleased a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. was he at the last one? if he does skip the debate, how will we though he admitted he doesn't have a chance to win, he hasn't dropped out. he is still technically running for president, even though he said he has no chance guy can't even figure out how to not run for president. ben carson, this is something i have noticed, his typical speaking pose isive to a dead person. [ laughter ]

so ben carson is -- he's got his foot out the door, just like that, it's down to three. or four, if you count john kasich., after -- you know, the astronaut, scott kelly, returned home last night. he was in space for 340 days. nasa provided footage of the y is amazing that human beings are able to do that. >> scott kelly back on mother earth after 340 days in space. >> we're goingcan great again, folks. we're going to make it great again. >> and scott kelly has decided to go back to space. we have liftoff.nd applause ] >> he won't be home for five years. we have a couple of fun guests on the show toho is very funny, and morgan freeman, who is phenomenal. he is here. the golden voice. he's the man who somehow isake penguins seem exciting.

on sunday and presented the award for best picture. afterwards, at the end of the ceremony, watch closely here.ing experience. winners. buy some girl scout . give me some of those. and then he is like, goodbye. i am out of here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hetched a whole stack of cookies from chris rock and beat it. i have to ask him about that. i know he was on "the electric company." i did not know he was the cookie monster too. this is a teachable moment. this is affiliate in memphis, where viewers were treated to a story about a man who was arrested as a result of a variety of colorful incidents. >> friday night, michael bennett wase lying near the street. police say his pants were down and shirt pulled over his head.

whiskey partially consumed, in bennett's rectum. they also found a crack pipe laying next to him. now bennett told police he does crazy things when he gets drunk. [ laughter ]my: really? like what? i mean, he said he does crazy things. let's hear some of them. while we're on the subject ofvior, the nypd announced yesterday, the new york police department, said they'll no longer arrest people for drinking in public or urinating in public. see, we don't needto make american great again. it's already happening on its own. i guess the goal is to reduce unnecessary jailtime for low level offenders. and also to makeof an adventure. but it's crazy. you can now get drunk andn new york. this is great news for kathie lee and hoda. it really is.

but it seems to be all that anybody talks about every place i go, at all times. last night was a great night for malaria, trumps. you know, after all that's happened over the past several months, people areerms with the fact that he's probably going to be the republican nominee. united states. which would have been hard to last year. it's still hard to believe. but it's true. and so with that in mind, we took the liberty of compiling -- you know, he makes a lot of speaking. he is a very unusual sounds coming out of his body. we set them to music. and the result is this donald il to the chief." bing, bing, bing cling ba, ba, ba bye

ca-ching ching a-rrrr >> we when we come back, my cousin sal and his hidden camera is at the customer service counter at costco. we'll be right back. out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. bster's lobsterfest is back. so come try the largest variety

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artha plimpton and music from charles kelly is on the way. but first, as those of you who watch on a regular basis now, from time to time ial to various locations to frazzle people. one of our favorite spots is the

costco, where sal provides some worst customer service you can find anywhere. here now is cousin sal at costco, causing trouble in bulk. ma'am. what do you have for us? welcome to costco. oh, advil. okay. there we go.em with these? >> i just got wrong one. >> wrong wong. how long were you waiting in line? >> not long. >> can youllpark? six to seven? >> six to seven. >> six to seven minutes. and how many times do you shop at costco a month? >> four, five.day. >> every wednesday? all right. and how would you rate your customer satisfaction? >> very good. >> very good. and how many nine. >> nine. and how do you rate this interaction with me?

>> good?we'll put that down for a nine. and my attentiveness. what would you say? >> oh, yeah. hold on. my phone is ringing. hey, baby. what's happening? just dumb surveys, you know. yeah, it's nothing. what are you up to?ch that show. i watch that show. yeah. what episode are you on? oh, that's thes spoils it for you. did you get to the part with the girl and the guy, and the guy and the girl? that was the best. what time are you off , if i ever get out of here. yeah, i'm just chilling. chilling at the returns.t too bad.

>> oh, okay.y the beach. so many beaches. malibu, manhattan. mi moesa.beaches? >> i don't know. but i need to go shopping. >> there's definitely more. i have a little bit of a all of these customers, but it's going good. it's going good. how's the car running?bably the timing belt. yeah. or the air filter.d have that checked. >> you're not going to put all of those in your -- >> mmm. >> what is this guy doing? >> it's going good. yeah, stop by.oh, happy hour. what time does that start?

mmm.ato skins. man, i'm feeling really dizzy right now. i'm working on this l. i only had a little. >> she's helped four people. >> i'm on the >> there's something wrong with this man. >> what? >> can you open this? i need to -- crazy? okay. that's it. all right. do you want a hit? >> no. >> o call you back. this woman is getting test we me. i don't know why. all right. bye. >> you don't know why? >> all right. let me finish this survey.t time you were here, did you ever --

that dude.ay. >> go sit down somewhere. >> let's go one to negative seven. how would you rate my professionalism? >> zero. >> good. going over here? >> this is not going. >> it's going really good. she's returning vodka and -- >> no, i'm not. >> and advil. and she opened -- some of these were opened, but we can return it, we can return it. >> he just took four handfuls of this and a swig of this vodka. >> oh, come on. >> it looks like you have all tens here. good job. >> nines. >> yeah. that was before he hit the ground. >> okay. his professionalism says 10 here, though. you gave him a 10? >> not from me, no. a one.e a narc, lady. don't be a narc. >> i'm not going to deal with this man, okay? just get him away from me. >> listen, if you don't want to deal with me, could you deal with jimmy on his show right

[ bleep ] [ applause ] >> no.nk you, cousin sal. there's cousin sal there. all right.e. we'll be right back with morgan freeman. so stick around. ] portions of ""jimmy kimmel live"" is brought to you by chevrolet. find new roads. , this car supports apple carplay. she gets me. ology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for?nty-two five. oh wow. i mean with all this technology.

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>> stay at home, you're not? >> we don't have any kids.

>> jimmy: welcome back. from "the real o'neals," as you can see tuesdays on abc,h us. and later, he is a multi-grammy award winner with the group lady antebellum. this is his first solo album, called "the driver,"kelly from the samsung theater. tomorrow night, jason

green. >> jimmy: tomorrow night, jason bateman, aja naomi king, and music from cee-lo green. and friday, an encore performance of our 11th annual "after the oscars" tv special . with ben affleck, tracy morgan, e, matthew broderick, henry cavill, jesse eisenberg, sacha baron cohen, alicia vikander, and that no-good matt damon, who was not invited, but did show up. is an oscar and golden globe-winning actor, kennedy center honoree, and afi lifetime achievement award winner whose tonsils have already been selected for enshrinement at the smithsonian museum.has fallen" opens in theaters friday, please welcome morgan freeman. nd applause ] >> jimmy: always lovely to have you here. >> thank you. nice i assume you came here in a car, limousine of some kind. you were driven here. >> yes.

car with a chauffeur, how they mention "driving miss daisy"? >> i have the same driver all the time. he's only done it once. [ laughter ]im, which is nice. >> well, the first time, you know, it's okay. >> jimmy: i have that app waze. it's a navigation app who don't know where to go, and i'm one of those people. and your voice is now the voice that guides me around town. >> so i'm told. you don't use waze? >> no, no, i don't drive. >> you don't ever drive? >> well, sometimes. >> jimmy: but you know where you're going when you drive.ow thanks to you, i do know where i'm going. it's really quite a service. it would be weird for you to be listening to your own voice drive, though. you should try it sometime. potentially it could be a -- >> i really don't think so. >> jimmy: you don't think so?

freeman listening to-er. >> jimmy: i saw a clip auring the monologue. let's show that clip again. the end of the oscars. it's chris rock. >> an amazing experience. >> jimmy: there's you. girl scout ng the girl scout cookies. and then exiting the building. [ laughter ]eers and applause ] >> jimmy: see, there you get a round of applause for eating did you pay for the cookies? never pay for what you steal. [ laughter ] you miss the point of stealing if you do that. getting? >> two. i was trying only to get one. greedy, but i had two, and i wasn't going to put one back.

for the post office? >> yes. >> san francisco. >> jimmy: that seems like the worst place to deliver mail. >> any placelace to deliver mail. >> jimmy: were you a mail carrier? carrier. that's the. >> jimmy: why is that worst? route. a mail carrier takes off, he's gone for a week or a day or whatever, and you take hisnow anything about it. a lot of mailboxes you can't find, but you better deliver the mail. the most fun is when there were dogs. daring you to do anything. [ laughter ] >> stick the mail in, and hold it.ause ] >> jimmy: a substitute mail carrier. i never even realized they had those. >> i'm not going to get into trouble for telling that story, because it was the early '60d be fine.

anything wrong. >> i didn't really. >> jimmy: you know, the price of stamps just went down from 49 to 47 you still mail things? are you a letter writer? >> no. no, no. >> so you do not have interaction with your mail person? >> uh-uh. >> jimmy: you don'tmail yourself? >> i do not. i have people that work for me. they do all that kind of stuff. >> jimmy: wow, that's when you know you're a big shot.o to the mailbox. >> jimmy, i'm a movie star. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's no arguing with that. you're working on a project that sounds very interesting to me. it's for nat geo.bout this. >> it is the story -- we call it the god project. it's the story of god, religion. >> jimmy: is thisal?

you shouldn't do that. [ laughter ] >> but we go all overigious hot spots. that is, where we know that beginnings, their starts, you know, different religions. so we went to egypt and to india and toy and to -- rome, all of these places, and talked to people about what it is, what it means. >> jimmy: do you feel ing? >> oh, yes. i learned quite a lot. yeah. different religions -- all religions, for instance, have a creation story. all religions have a place for to you go something you can do. hindus, for instance, not really all that happy with the idea of reincarnation.t was like an end in

reincarnation is -- if you're hindu, you have to keep cominget it right. and you have to keep on until you do get it right. >> jimmy: when you do get it right, where do you go? >> you become pure energy just like the other guy. >> jimmy: so theoretically, screwed up? >> if you're hindu. right. >> yes. >> jimmy: where did you learn totifully? is it something that you worked on? >> i don't even know what you mean. >> jimmy: well, when i was a kid. and on that show, you were easy reader. and the way you spoke was -- itike -- it just sounded great.

from -- i mean, the way i speak, is like that of a clown. so this is what i got from myly. whereas i assume your family -- you must have a -- i don't know. to school to be a -- to study how to be an actor. and in that school, los angeles city college, i had a voice andction instructor who was very good at his job. and so you had to learn to speakyour final consonants, things like that. >> jimmy: so you actually learned something in college. i learned how to drink beer out of a funnel. [ laughter ] >> well, i old. >> jimmy: how old were you in college? >> 22.

yeah. you started college when you were 22 years old. >> yeah. but ibout 20 minutes, so -- >> jimmy: that was an intense 20 minutes. whatever you learned in that 20 minutes, worked out well. when we come back, we'll see a clip from your new i have something fun for to you do, if you would be so kind. we're going to go out on the street and have you narrate a person walking by d. morgan freeman is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hi. i love your pants. thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh!hat you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on salehhh! you guys! i'm gonna get

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in "london has fallen" in theaters on friday. you play the vice president of the united states. >> i've been demoted a bit. been actually from god to president to vice president. >> go figure. well. i think this will be a fun thing for us to do. we have a camera on hollywood boulevard right now. by. we thought it would be fun narrate, doing as you do so famously, someone passing us, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: so let's see what we have, and i'll be quiet. okay. here we go.here it was, the man in the red checkered shirt, holding his selfie stick. trying to get that perfect he called him. [ laughter ]

looking for that perfect selfie. could one? the light's just right. maybe over by this wall? no. not perfect enough forlfie paul. oh, did he look at the camera? [ applause ] >> goodbye, paul. oh, hello, paul. is. but look who it is. another selfie stick guy. selfie stick sam. that's what we call him. just twos men taking pictures of themselves on a [ bleep ] stick.use ] >> morgan freeman, everybody. "london has fallen" opens friday. we'll be right back with martha plimpton.

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[ cheers and applause ]

coming up charles kelly. our next guest is a very talented and humorous woman whom you know from "raising hope." she returns to tv on "the real o'neals" tuesday nights on abc.rtha plimpton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been far too long since i last saw you. >> i agree, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you see morgan freeman? >> i did, on his way peak to him? >> i did indeed. >> jimmy: do you know him? >> well, i do now. but i knew him in a different sort of way. i mean, we all did, of : right. >> no, i used to ride the 104 bus with him when i went to school every morning. >> jimmy: really? when was this? would say '48, '49. that was an age joke.

the bus to school. >> jimmy: did you know him from "the electric company"? >> i knew him asreader. >> jimmy: i was telling him during commercial break, to me, that's when i thought i was starting to grow up when i shifted fromhe electric company." >> yes, that was a milestone in our media consumption. >> >> jimmy: yeah, you lookedt" with scorn, like, ew, that's for babies. you have a very distinctive voice. have you done voiceover work? >> have i on t does this minecraft story mode game thing. >> jimmy: the little boys are crazy for that, right? >> and for a little while, i was the voice of likey for a little while. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. but then the market crashed. and they fired me because they didn't want to pay me anymore. started feeding their pets garbage when the market crashed. they don't need to buy food anymore. >> i have done some books onings like that.

to a book on tape. >> you should if you're driving. it's a lot of fun. >> jimmy: i like to read when i drive.o when i drive. but what i wonder about it, and everybody else -- everyone other than me knows the answer to this question. but do you do the character people? is it like a play in that way? or do you just read it? >> well, ideally, one would try to make the sounds of they're speaking for. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm a -- you know, there was one time when i was doing one of these books on tape, andone. and i might not have gone through it as thoroughly as i should have. and i showed up to -- this is i showed up to record it. and we started. and all of a sudden, found out that there was going to be a tant russian character in it. >> yeah. so i had to do a russian accent

[ laughter ] -- >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it went well. you'd be surprised what you can do if you just commit, jimmy. it went really well. [ applause ]ou never really have to get any feedback, do you? >> i want people to know i'm perfectly willing to read the book more thoroughly from now on. i'm a actress. >> jimmy: i see. you actually will read the book before reading the book this time. >> that is my hope. that is what i strive to i think it's all of our hope, really. >> that's right. >> jimmy: how old were you when you started acting? >> 8 years old. >> jimmy: did you ever have regular jobs, like regular>> well, i mean, in a manner of speaking. not really. you know, you go through dry spells. you know this as an actor. there's going to be -- or famine, as they say, james. >> jimmy: so i've heard. >> can i>> jimmy: yes, you may. >> thank you.

to make ends meet. and my godsister does these , for these big corporate companies, right? >> jimmy: right. >> where they do these presentations where you have to like introduce some new product or whatever. and they have actors come out songs and dances. and for a little extra dough, she said, why don't you write the script for one of these things? and i said, okay, great. what do they want mesaid, they want you to write slam poetry about drugs. pharmaceuticals. their newscription drugs? >> their new prescription drugs. and i said, uh, slam poetry? i mean, okay. i'm not a poet. >> jimmy: right. know -- i mean, i read it occasionally. i enjoy the occasional poem, but i don't know how to make a poem. like you do, because you don't. it's very hard. >> jimmy: you have to find rhymes for like --

something? >>e than just rhyming, james. form. >> it's about feelings, man. it's about truth, man. eat the drugs and then write the poems? >> oh, i wish. >> jimmy: if it was really about truth, you would have done that. me in my research if i had. >> jimmy: do you remember any of the poems? >> oh, god. >> jimmy: you do remember. one. just aapplause ] >> jimmy: and if it's not too much trouble, do it in a russian accent. [ laughter ] >> oh, man. you' spot here. >> jimmy: well, you know, what are you going to do? >> i can only say the word lenin leningrad in ay. forget the russian accent. >> let me see. okay. it's really, really bad ---ing?

>> jimmy: okay. >> and it begins thusly. so -- very poetic. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you want to come in in the middle with feelings.y heart is a locomotive -- oh, god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not terrible so far. my heart is a locomotive. >> and the fire. >> jimmy: and i am the fire? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my heart is a locomotive, and i am the you don't have to repeat it. you made me say it. >> jimmy: i'm trying to understand it. >> i don't understand it either. slam poetry. you're not supposed to understand what they're saying. >> jimmy: how much money did you get paid? did you get paid for it?

to mention your show. "the real o'neals," which is very funny it. i was on one of the episodes. >> yes, you were. >> jimmy: i didn't see you when we taped. >> i know,use you have some kind of difficult schedule apparently. >> jimmy: the reviews are coming in. people are saying i was great. [ cheers and applause ]he show is very, very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i recommend you watching it. it's called "the real o'neals." tuesday nights at 8:30 here on abc.my: martha plimpton, everybody. thank you, martha. we'll be right back with charles kelly.

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this is pearle vision. "the "jimmy kimmel live"" concert series is presented by samsung. >> thanks to morgan freeman.

we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, his album is called "the driver" here with the song "lonely girl" charles kelley. ahh t's the matter you used to be so in love now you're crying he wasn't everything you dreamed of he really wasn't ever good enough for you lonely girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record on in your room and you won't be lonely

don't you worry i'm never gonna let you down when you need me gonna be around close your eyes i'll take your body anywhere it wants to go lonely girlnly girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record onom oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl lonely girl girl

girl, you're my lonely girl it's just you and me and the sound of your heartbeat's rhythm just you and meund of your heartbeat's rhythm lonely girl you're the only girl for mee when you're all alone put this record on in your room you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl oh yeahr heartbeat's rhythm ooh

] pour out your heart in three-twenty the one you didn't write for the money you turn it in nobody's listeningbut you got a cut so the check's coming if it ain't a single it don't mean nothingdream wants to be your friend one day you're the king and the next you're not es and whiskey shots boy and throwing up in by yourself

i ain't never leaving nashvilleyou're getting calls from old friends they say heard your song wanna write again you're coming up witho say no then you're six months without a hold every other dayting canceled now you're calling up old friends that's just the way it goesg the next you're not handshakes and whiskey shots boy and throwing up all gone to hell

oh and your friends are friends with country starsuying homes this is "nightline." >> tonight, women uniting in a campaign in the fight for abortion rights. ism i was wise enough to know like i'm not ready to be a mom. >>, hoping to sway the highest court in the biggest challenge to reproductive rights in two decades. >> this is what the pro-life movement looks like. >> tonight, line with impassioned supporters on both sides, trying to make the critical difference. plus, "modern winter grew up in the spotlight. >> but that's okay >> now she is opening up about her breast reduction surgery. >> i was in pain. p straight. >> and how life at home was anything but a hollywood fairy tale, and her newfound