oh. so...trouble in paradise? oh, no. it's just that... you know. why would you want to hear me complain about ray? perhaps we haven't met. i'm robert barone. nothin'. she just... she went all nuts over a can opener. can opener? mmm. oh, poor raymond. [chuckles] nothing good comes from a can. go on. go ahead. tell me. nothin'. did wrong. i mean, i come home in a good mood, like usual. well, of course, dear. you were always a happy child. yeah. i know. anyway, i'm walkin' in... hi, daddy. hi, daddy. [cheerfully] hey, everybody. hi, daddy. [cheerfully] hi! uhh.

how was your day? everything's fine. great. what's for dinner? ray. can you wait? fine. i'll make my own dner. [whistling tune] mmm! tuna fish. where's that can opener? it's in the drawer. what? the can opener is in the utensil drawer! rightie-oh. ah. yeah, i bought a new one. oh. did we need a new can opener?

it's better! ok? it cuts from the side so there's no sharp edges. how does this thing work? put it on the can! you twist the thing! you open...the can! [sighs] great! a better can opener! ha what's so funny? whoop! whoop! whoa! ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! would you look at this? oh...use a fork! god. hmm? oop. [exasperated sigh] was...was there somethin' wrong with the other can opener? there's nothing wrong with this can opener. [chuckling] no, nothing's wrong, honey. i mean, i would've preferred the tuna on bread, but, you know, it's...

it's just as delicious right out of the sink. ha ha ha ha! this is thok, ray? because it's better. it's not stupid, [clunk] and what'd i say? and i'm not exaggerating. it's just that sometimes he's such a jerk! given. details? last night. ok? the kids are a mess. i'm tryin' to hold everything together. you're the glue, debra. everyone knows that. anyway, yoknow, he comes home... i'm gonna run away. no! don't run away. mommy would miss you so myes, she would. ohh. come on. sit, sit, sit. let's eat. hey, daddy's home. hi, ray.

yeah. hi, daddy. [flatly] how was your day? oh, gosh. well, actually, it was-- great. what's for dinner? i haven't had time. if you could just wait. [grouchily] fine. make my own dinner. again. fish. son of a--well, where's the can opener? uh, it's in the drawer. what? the can opener's in the utensil drawer. right. [loud rattling] see? i bought a new one. [irritated] ? so there'sr. it cuts no sharp edges.e side

how does this thing work? look. see? you just put it on the can... you twist the thing, and it opens the can. mmm. huh? great. a better can opener. [chuckles] what's so fuy? oh, great. would you look at this? oh, my god! tuna juice! oh, my god! here. sweetie, use a fork. was there somethin' wrong with the old can opener? well, there's nothing wrong with this can opener. oh, no! nothing's wron honey! i mean, i would've preferred the tuna on bread, us right out of the sink! no, ray. i bought because...it was better.

i mean, it's not stupid, [tearfully] and--and i'm not... stupid. [chuckles] what'd i say? that bastard. i don't know. one-- one little comment about a can opener, and...she freaks out. like the time i bet the kids they couldn't hit the ceiling fan with a plum. ray...i am going to give you the secret to marital bliss. after you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it? e, son, when your mother got pregnant with robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. she'd cry for no reason. 2 seconds later, she'd want to cuddle. she was, like, demented.

that's not true. sure, it was. i was pregnantu were always with a 14-pound baby.at me. i needed help getting up. nonetheless. ohhh... did it bother me? no. because you cannot get upset with a crazy person. i decided from that day on to never waste time trying to understand yourother. i just accept she's insane. i mu be. you two are crazy in love. that's what it is. oh, no, no. raymond, don't go. we were having such a nice talk about debra. i love that kind of talk. yeah. i know you do, ma. just keep telling yourself she's nuts. saves time. [door closes] i'm not one to choose sides, but this looks like an excellent can opener.

oh, boy. i think i need some pepto. may i? sure. go ahead. [loud burp] what are you doin'? changing my shirt. sorry i spilled milk on your shirt. oh. it's ok. i'm sorry about the... you know. t.

ok. all right, so... i'll see you. see you later. aren't you gonna kiss me good-bye? oh. yeah. i just want you to really understand why i ener last night. oh, i understand. i know why. i do. ok. so... i'll see you later. i--i mean, you really...know why? sure. sure, i know. i...totally know. ok. thanks. ok. good. so...should i bring home a pizza tonight or somethin'? yeah, sure. if that's what you want, that'd be great. ok. good, good.all right. i'll see you later. ok. hello, dears. hi, ma. bye, ma. i'm glad you're still here. i have something that might fix everything. what do you mean? everything's fine, ma.

what is it, marie? what is it? it's--it's one of my old ones. it's the kind that actually works. ray? marie: ohhh... it's all right, dear. [chuckles]e and the food you love is serving up fantastic prizes. everything from ea sports madden nfl 25 video games, to brand new fiat 500s. what will you be served up this summer? ♪ "these are exactly what says... i what will you be served up this summer? find the pink nike flex only at famous footwear. victory is yours.

i got my mom wrapped around my little finger. do you? yeah, i do. huh. i said i want honey nut cheerios uh huh. and she just totally caved. it's all about psychology buzz. psychology? as long as i don't tell him the cereal is healthy -- he can't get enough. sad, really. i kind of feel bad that i tricked him. but...it was easy. surprise... uh, ha ha ha.

what is this? oh, don't be upset, dear. it's only a can opener. so, i'm thinking maybe you really didn't why i was upset. hey, i got nothin' to do with this. like, i don't know why she brought that... thing over here. so, what did you do, ray, run across the street and tell your mom what a horrible woman you're married to? raymond never said "horrible." would you stop?! marie, sun's up, my eggs? frank. oh, yeahit's not your fault, debra. i understand hormones. what the hell did you tell them?! hormones was his theory. it did sound like your reaction to the can opener was a little... dramatic. ♪ ooh frank, i can see and hear you.

hunhh! completely out of line last night. i gotta get to work. how dare you?! not only were you completely wrong, but you make me out to be the crazy one. hey, deb, i finished the pepto. is this about me? no, dear, it's nothing. all i did was bring debra my old can opener. oh, ray, just use the new one. stop being a jerk. jerk? what? what? what do you know about it? he doesn't know anything about it. k to your guns, deb, ok? raymond's a jerk. i know the whole story, jerk. one little drop of fish juice, and you squeal like a stuck pig. you told him that? huh? i did not do that. and by the way, the whole can dumped on me. it was one drop, you baby. one drop? it was like i stuck my arm up a tuna.

jerkbaby. shut up, huh?! what-- what'd you tell him? i told him the truth-- that you come home all, "what's for dinner? "oh, a can? "how...make... tuna...out? "oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!" ha ha ha! that's me, huh? well, this is you. this is you. "meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh!" wait a minute. that sounds like marie. yeah, that's really great, ray, comin' home and givin' me crap about a can opener. i didn't give you crap, and it's a stupid can opener! it's not stupid! it gets rid ofna! all right, hold it. hey! no! you shut up! hey! now, you listen to me. we happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. [snoring] stop it, dad!

the two of you have to just come out and say what's really botherin' you underneath and get it out in the open and deal with it. 'cause if there's one thing i have learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this-- it's never just about the can opener. yeah. sometimes it's about a jar of fat. how could you mention that? i'll mention it. you went nuts over nothin'. i had every right to go nuts with you for a husband. don't go nut just go. ohh! ok. wait, wait, wait. wait. what jar of fat? unhhh... ahhh... i'll tell you what jar of fat. it was beautiful. it was fat from pancetta and gold-and-brown sausage. y-you'd have to be a cook to understand.

but it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for il duce. yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging. that was my kitchen! you had no right to go in there and throw out my fat. that jar was for my coins! i needed that! you're selfish! fat collector! oh, you never appreciated, me, ever! you never, ever appreciated me! i would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry. and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you. that's right. debra undersnds. you wanted a thank-you? where was my thank-you? i waltzed in, huh? i dragged my ass home every day after 10 hours stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car. and if i needed coins to pay the tolls that gote to that job that paid for that meat

that made that fat, and i don't care what you say! that's right. you don't care. you have never cared about how hard i work just to serve you. hey, i don't have to care. that's your job. on the other hand... sometimes it can be about the can opener. that's what i was gonna say. yeah. yeah. me, too. yeah. i'm sorry.

yeah. me, too. sorry. that's it? "sorry"? that's all you got? at least when we fight, stuff comes out. some of it will be coming out when we get home. let's go. coming. so, that's my job, frank? u were bad at it. thank you! i'm still mad at you. well, that's all right. at least it's not about a can opener. heh heh heh heh! [chuckling] a can opener. good luck, ray! ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh i can still see you, frank.

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[ female announcer ] and with all these you know what's great, uh, after an argument? it's the way we make up. [chuckles] yo just to cook and clean for you, do you? you don't understand. we already had the argument. this is the making-upart. no, no. it's just-- no, what your father said to your mother. that's what was bothering me about that whole can opener thing. i mean, i just feel with, like, everything i have to do around here, sometimes you kinda take me for granted. i don't. i appreciate everything that you do.

but, my life isn't all cherry and sweetness. oh yeah? i put my pants on one leg at a time except my pants are 22 different flavors. i've got grape pants, i've got watermelon pants. it takes work to look this good. but other than that, i'm completely normal. well, relatively normal. [ male announcer ] try any of our 22 delicious flavors. smile. it's kool-aid. and now introducing new kool-aid liquid.

and now introhello?

[doorbell rings] [ring] i'm coming. hello, dear. you busy? um, i was just upstairs folding laundry. i'm telling you, it never stops. oh, good for you. so, do you need anything? oh, yes, i was wondering if you have any, uh, nasal spray see frank has got-- uh, um...oh.

what's this? oh, it's a guidebook on how to talk to your kids about sex. why? well, actually, ally's already starting to ask questions. well, may i ask ere ye that she needs to ask qstions? what? nothing. well, you know, they make robes that cover up a person. what? ye you know, i have-- i have to get back to my laundry. why would you want serious, to introduce a subject matter of this ki to an innocent child? oh, lien, you should be happy we're taking care of this. because eventually, she might ask you a question. [gasps] but i'm her grandmother. yes, but you're a person, you're a woman. oh, i don't like this, debra.

she--she might ask about you and grandpa. well, if she does, i will change the subject and give her a cookie. is that what you do when grandpa asks? [laughs] [laughing] yes. nothing's off-limits. oh, marie, i didn't mean anything. anyway, he doesn't ask anymore. let me tell you something. there are a lot re important things in a marriage than that, like friendship and trust and--and keeping a neat house. oh. oh, i'm sorry to hear that. dearie, people our age aren't preoccupied with these things. so how long has it been since you've had...

since you started focusing on the neatness of the house? i--i--i don't know. 20 years. 20 years? you haven't-- no, no, i wouldn't say never. i'd say... oh, once a year. once a year for 20 years? i'll tell you something, dear. someday, this house will be a lot neater. but when you have a picky eater... won't touch this. it. ♪ won't touch this. ♪

won't touch -- stop. eggo time. [ female announcer ] eggo waffles can win over the pickiest of eaters so everyone can enjoy breakfast...together. ♪ [ girl ] l'e could you turn it all right. [groans]

we're turning into your parents. ok, which one am i? i've got some news for you, ray. your sex drive is diminishing. well, if you're my mom, what do you expect? i'm serious, ray. look, i used to have to fend you off every night. now it's down to less than once a week. no, it's not. yes, it is. no, it's not. yes, it is, ray. oh, yeah? well, maybe if i'm trying less, it's because of all the rejection, huh? yeah. i'm like the monkey who gets shocked every time he reaches for the pellet. do you realize that for the last 20 years, your parents have only had sex once a year?

what? who told you that? your mother. what? what? what? what--what? why did you talk about that? 'cause she saw the sex book and we just started talking and she told me. well, why are you telling me? because you're turning into your father. listen, things started slowing down for them when they were the age that we are now. we're not them. i just kissed you, rubbed your chest, kissed you again in an impure manner. you never took your eyes off the tv. 10 years ago all i had to do wabe awake. sometimes not even that. i'm still--i'm still... a sex machine. come on, it was just today. you know, today, it was a long day, and the kids-- i had a heavy meal.

you know what? i don't need excuses. come on, let's go, right now. me and you. let's go, mano a womano. you know, i don't want to do it just because you want to prove something. i don't want to prove something. i just love to sex you up. stop it, ray. no. you know, you never want to talk about anything. i-i'm ready now. the monkey never learns. it's funny how you and me both like cheeseballs. yeah, i guess. yep. and the ladies. the ladies? yeah. the barone boys love those ladies.