robert, you have a will, right? why? what did you hear? that why mom's making frittatas? talking about wills, and he doesn't wanna make one. oh? why not? because he thinks it's gonna tempt fate. no, no, no, silly. if you don't have a will, you're tempting fate. "i don't need a will. i'm gonna live forever." manhole! all righty. now, all that remains is the issue of who should be granted guardianship of the children. what do you mean? guardianshiph of you die at the same time. well, i guess that would be my parents frank and marie-- uh, ray, i don't know if they're really the best choice. well, i mean, they're over here all the time anyway, right? they know where everything is.

just because they're convenient doesn't mean they're the right choice. you want your parents? and your father,ly you know...[whistles] ray! we'll have to discuss this. discuss. here we go. hey, maybe you better take us off the meter. take your time. look, it doesn't have to be a relative. no? no. i mean, the character of the couple is what's important. what are their values? are they loving, are they patient, are they honest? if we find people like that, we should give them the children right now. you know what? we don't have to complete this now. once you two get this ironed out, you can just c ok. we'll probably call you tomorrow.d out,

unless we die before then, in which case, you get 'em. hope you got a sofa bed. i think he likes me. yeah. ut this, though. we gotta think about this. who are we gonna get? well, i don't know. i hate eve yeah, see? me, too. wait. what about bernie and linda? they just had a baby. yeah, exactly. so why would they want more? look, they'll be experienced parents, and we love them. yeah, i guess. they're good. and bernie always has candy in his pocket. ly be the ones. all right, ok, so we're settled? yeah. so it's bernie and linda, we have a will, and you're still alive. hey! guess we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods. hi, dears. debra: hey. i saw you had some store-bought pudding,

and i thought the children might wanna try something homemade. thank you very much. ok. "attorney at law"? what's the matter? nothing. are there marital problems? no. we were just making out our wills, marie. oh! good for you, honey. see, that shows a lot of foresight, raymond. yup. isn't it good to get it out of the way and know that everything now is under control, and you'll never have to worry about the children? yup. marie? yeah. uh, we decided that bernie and linda are gonna be their guardians.

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[ female announcer ] kellogg's frosted mini-wheats cereal. help feed their full potential. now with kellogg's family rewards, you can get help feeeven moreull potential. from the products you love. join today at kfr.com. you're leaving the children to strangers? ma, bernie and linda aren't strangers. please. you don't owe me any explanation. ha ha! they're your children. it's your life, isn't it? that's been the dream. i don't wanna keep you. i just came over to try to, you know, help. ma, if bernie and linda drop dead, you're on deck. well, thank you. oh, and that's for the children. tell 'em it's from... a friend. you know, actually, this could be a good lesson for me: to learn to be content with what is

and not to hope for what could be. so what could be is us dying, and you raising our children. well, not anymore. i saw pudding skin in the sink. have you heard, frank? apparently, you and i are not fit parents. i still want pudding. hey. you're not up to their standards, either. i know. what are we talking about? we had to pick guardians for the kids. and it's not us? no. ok. you wouldn't have wanted the kids? would you? i wasn't even asked. well, robert, we just, you know-- who'd you pick? linda and bernie gruenfelder. bernie gruenfelder. ah, let's see...

a chubby jet ski salesman versus a blood-related protector of the people. ah, well, that's a no-brainer. where's the whipped cream? marie, please try to understand. i understand. you prefer to give your children to gypsies instead of me. ah, cheer up, marie. we just dodged 3 screamin' bullets. hey, did he take the pudding? hey! pudding! oh. i know what it is. it's your father, isn't it? now, listen to me. if you were to-- god forbid-- and i get the children,

oh, she is just i'm willing to a little angel. yeah, when she's sleeping. you should hear the set of lungs on her. whoo! oh, yeah. when she's unhappy, you know it. yeah. babies are loud. you know who's q older kids. yeah, weyeah, yeah, your kidthey are. so, linda, motherhood really agrees with you. you look fantastic. thank you. i'm wearing more makeup than a drag queen. and nursing bras, are they as horrible as they used to be? they're very complicated. that's another good thing about the older kids. forget about theight out of the fridge. ray, please. well, you do. [baby coos] was that an awake sound or a sleep sound? oh, i don't know. just write down, "sound...at 7:07."

the books say to keep a sleep journal. oh, bernie loves the books. helps me feel a little more in control. that's from one of the books. it's not yours! i hate you! i ha[screaming] ah ha ha ha. right it dn: "7:08, havin' fun." you wanna help me in the kitchen, ray? ah, all right. away from me! oh, boy. thanks. what is the matter with you? nothing. it's just... the kids are ruining it. you're ruining it. we're not trying to sell 'em a used car. maybe we should throw in the car. let's just get it over with and asrmal, ok, ok, ok. how you gonna ask 'em? i n't know. i can't rehearse it.

you can't just say, "hey, when we die and you go to the funeral, bring the minivan." oh, hello. i noticed you had company. if it isn't bernie and linda gruenfelder. robert, they're just over for dinner. don't think so. why is yout, raymond? this is no ordinary dinner. you're giving away the children, aren't you? robert, don't make a big deal out of it. it is a big deal! how could you choose them over me? i'm family! we love you, robert, but there's a lot of factors, ok? we put a great deal of thought into this. you're single, and you have a dangerous job. and if you were to drop one of them, it's very, very far.

most importantly, you have no respect for me as a human being. oh, that is not true. my business, ok? ally, michael, and geoffrey gruenfelder. oh, rolls right off the tongue. hey, whoa. where you going, man? i thought i'd leave via the front door. or is that just for fit guardians? marie: she's adorable! [gasp] aah! marie, what are you doing here? oh, well, i saw a strange car parked in the driveway, and i thought something might be wrong. ok, if you don't mind, we'd like to spend the evening alone with linda and bernie tonight. well, i just came over to see the baby. you know how i love children. yeah. look. here's one of yours now. why don't you go put him down for a nap? it's ok, ray.

madeline, i'd like to introduce you to mrs. barone. the books say not to use baby talk. oh, you're book parents. marie... yeah, you know, the books are great. but there's a lot of stuff you can learn from experience you just can't get from the books. oh, yeah? a lot of emergency situation stuff. ray... robert... yeah. let's say your child or a child in your care has put a cocoa puff up his nose. what do you do? cocoa puff? that's an interesting question, robbie. what would you do? they'd do the right thing. coffee? yeah. anyone want coffee? i'd love some! stuck cocoa puff. it's a quandary. does that really happen? oh, yes, it happens. doesn't it, raymond? happened to me when i was 8.

and 10. so what would you do, dear? tweezers? emergency room?ely all right, stop. you crunch and blow. crunch and blow? krr krr krr! ok. that's great. i'm gonna remember that was fun.hat one. give me another. all right. let's say you're driving your 7-year-old to school, and she keeps turning the radio louder and louder while you're driving. what would you do? you tell her to stop in a firm but loving manner. no. linda? um... ignore it. excuse me? well, you let her turn it up loud,

how unpleasantl, that is,ea and then she'll turn it off herself. an excellent answer... if you could explain what a 7-year-old is doing in the front seat to begin with! my, my, my. you can leave now. you ruined everything. ruined? i've been trying to help. you're a maniac. go. by the way, i couldn't help but notice that your infant car seat was positioned improperly. hey. dinner and a show. evening. oh, sorry about them. um, but actually, we did ask you over here for a reason. now? maybe we should get really hammered first.

ray and i were talking about our wills, hink you're great parents, g if you would want to be the guardians of our kids if anything should happen to us. and just so you know, we're not planning anything. oh, that is so... beautiful. wow. this is big. we love ally, michael, and geoffrey. we love all of you. we love you, too. that's boy! so. what? i mean, we're so flattered, but... your family's nuts. yeah. there's, uh, nothing in the books about that.

maybe you wanna think it over. no. i'm sorry. you know, if there's an accident that takes them out the same time as you, maybe. that's ok. i feel just terrible about this. oh, no, that's ok. believe me, i understand. i...understand. well, we should get madeline to bed. it's getting late here, yes. oh, listen, i got some candy for ally and the twins. oh, ok. good. thanks. thanks for that. it was good to see you. hey, i hear you're getting the kids.

congratulations! no, dad. it's not really gonna work out, so-- what do you mean? these are really great kids. it's all right, dad. it's ok. all right, i'll see you, guys. good night. how did you get out of it? for shopping that took half e the time. converse, skechers, nike, and more at famous footwear

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"the wallaces." no. house smells like feet. well, that's it 'cause we've gone through everybody. how about the zs? "bronx zoo."

i saw that documentary, that kid that was raised by wolves. right? he's a dentist now. no. there's gotta be someone, you know? someone else. oh, please, someone! we could always do cold calling. it looks like the kids are stuck with your parents. i will say this he is a happy drunk. le by talk productions captioned by captioneering your closed captioning resource

oh, for a while,ong is your sister staying? i hope, this time. yeah, ll, with her, we could just be some pit stop to some acupunctury aroma therapy hindu... festival of hugging. she's just trying to find herself, ray. she hasn't looked near the soap. that was patchouli oil that time. patchouli.

what is that, hindu for "stink"? stop it, ray. she smells fine. yeah, yeah, yeah. hi, dears. [chuckles] i brought you my big spoon. ah. see? ah. [sniff] ah, see, that's beautiful. that is what a woman should smell like. [inhales deeply] ahh! lemon pledge and meat sauce.

ray! door!oorbell rings] guess i'll do everything. rayyyyy! hey, jennifer. ray, come here. give me a hug. how are ya? [closes door] aw, look at this. fresh from the tub. yeah. baths. you can't beat a nice bath.

jen! yay! jennifer! jennifer: give me a hug! she smells fine, ray. re i can't believeg how long it's been. yeah, 2 years. really? yeah. well, you've been so busy. oh. mom and dad told me they saw you in sri lanka. oh, sure. right after i fold these towels. ok, who wants presents? oh, presents! yay! me! ray: me! me, too! me, too. sorry, ray. ahh. oh, that's for you! a necklace! ohh! very pretty. and look at this--hese, prayer cards.y b hmm. hey, a saint jude rookie card. ok, what do you say to aunt jennifer? kids: thank you, aunt jennifer! you'where'd you get all that stuff?

from work. where do you work, heaven? maybe someday. i'm a nun. ha ha ha ha ha! great. you're a nun. i am. no, you're not. yes, i am. i joined the sisters of charity. we got a secret handshake and everything. oh, stop that! really, i am a nun. or i will be in a couple weeks when i take my final vows. after that, they're sending me to zaire. what do you mean, like, in africa? yep. wow, you gotta-- you gotta get a big shot in your... you bottom for that. i already did. man, you're really into this. are you hungry? 'cause i'll heat something up for you. wait. what do you think? oh, about the nun thing? it's great. thaf ok?

sure. ooh. debra's meat loaf. you might need another shot. you know the expression, turn the other cheek. oh. uh, i'm sorry. i'm real sorry. i'm sorry. are you thirsty? yeah, all right, yeah. i'll go get us-- i'll get us some drinks, yeah. what do you think? can you believe this? she's go i know. i can't. e's a nun. i feel weird. hey, how come we don't have any crucifixes hanging up here, huh? nothing. get a magnet one for the fridge or something. and you know what? while she's here, i'm thinking maybe we should both try to be a little more... ♪ ah ah... [knock on door] hello there, ms. jennifer. robert!

a little birdie told me you were comin'. oh, you are still the world's best hugger. ohhh! ha ha ha ha! it's been a while. since ray and debra's wedding. you know, uh, that was a crazy time, and, uh, you know, maybe things got a little out of hand. you know, all the free champagne, and...things moved kind of fast, you know. i thought you were sweet. no, no. i embarrassed myself. no, you didn't. i've fainted before, too. ng cake. well, you look great. so do you. thanks. things going well? yeah, things are going good. i got promoted to sergeant, moved into my own place. you moved into that's great. my own place. so, how about you? whose heart are you breaking these days? actually, i'm becoming a nun, so i guess you could say that i'm married to god.

i have a girlfriend. her name's amy. hey, robert. hey, ray. let me help you with that there, bud. it no, it's heavy. with thalet me take it. ok. so, did, ut her... exciting new...business? great retirement plan. ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! hey, y-you know who i loved when i was a kid? the singin' nun. oh, yeah, yeah. me, too. yeah. but only for her music. hey, hey, you remember that song? ah, yeah. ♪ dominique, nique, nique [song continues in french]

hey. kids in bed? yeah. yeah. you should've stayed up. what a great movie. oh, i've seen it a thousand times. it's almost like the hills really are alive... and i like it when julie andrews does this. you're very talented. yeah. you like that? hey. how about this? [high-pitched voice] ♪ dominique, nique, nique... [knock knock] hey.