abby? i'll check our book, but i'm 75% sure we can do it. ok, great. this is great. it's great seeing you. we had a lot of fun. all right, take it easy, now. ok. marc and abby. y'see? i told you you'd like 'em. you're right. i'm sorry i fought you. it's just that you met abby at yoga class. sounded pretty weak. yeah, i know, but we were both mocking the instructor. i had a good feeling. it worked out great. i like marc, you like abby. i even like abby, you like marc. there's crossover appeal. that never happens. what are you doing? we just had dinner. just a late-night once-over. oh, look at that. new package of american cheese slices. not taking any. just good to know. it's also good to know that i will be taking a pudding. you know what i like about marc and abby? no kids. oh, it's a beautiful thing. deacon and kelly are great, but it's always like, oh, they can't get a sitter, this one has an earache, that one swallowed a marble, blah blah blah.

very annoying. but marc and abby? no strings. you know what they are? they are our new go-to couple. yeah. it's like we can call them up on a whim and boom! we're on a lear jet to monte carlo with the shmenkmans. honey, their name is not shmenkman. it's shropshire. shropshire? shropshire. too hard. i'm stickin' with shmenkman. [telephone rings] hello. oh, hey, kel. what's goin' on? oh, all right. hold on a sec. deacon and kelly wanna go out saturday night. they got a sitter. we got the shmenkmans on saturday. is that definite? well, they said 75%. hit the mute. ok. hit it. i don't know where it is. there. ok. i'm gonna test it. [raspberry] it works. all right.

so what about saturday night? what are we gonna do? marc and abby gave us 75%, but if that falls through and we say no to deac and kelly, then we got nothing. all right, so what do we do? we gotta hold deacon and kelly until we know. tell 'em we're 75% sure we can do it. carrie, the shmenkmans gave us 75%. we only have 25% to give. well, we're not gonna hold deac and kelly with 25%. cheat it. bump it up to 50. kel? yeah. sorry about that. i...saw a bird. uh, anyway, about saturday night, um, we're 35% sure we can make it. hmm? ok. would it help if i said 40? ok, then we'll do it some other time, then. would you please give them 50? huh? oh. ok, hold on a second. how about sunday brunch? oh, yeah, there you go. we'll do it here. yeah, that sounds great, and we'll do it over here. hmm? oh, yeah, no. no, bring 'em along. that's fine.

yeah, ok, mm-hmm. ok, bye. they're bringing the kids. what was i gonna say? hang on to your hats, people. i got news. i was over at that newsstand that has papers from all around the country, and i grabbed myself an akron beacon. take a gander at this. what am i supposed to be reacting to? it's a coupon for sergeant salty's deep-sea corn loops. and should i be happy or...sad? happy. it's the greatest breakfast cereal known to man. when i was a boy, i'd pour myself a big bowl every morning and listen to the sergeant salty radio hour, where i'd be regaled with the adventures of sergeant salty and his trusty sidekick bugle dog. well, i'm glad you found it, dad. yeah. i thought they'd stopped making it when it came out that sergeant salty kept a small chinese woman locked in his basement. [telephone rings]

hello. oh, hey, abby. oh, you can't make saturday? that's too bad. what's that? uh, just hang on one second. yeah. now they want sunday brunch. well, this is a fine mess. we gotta call deac and kelly and try to get saturday night back. and say what? our better offer canceled? that's like a slap in the face. you know what? let's just all have sunday brunch. good. do that. abby? yeah, sunday is great. we'll do it here at my house. some other friends of ours are gonna join us. is that cool? ok, great. we'll see you sunday at 11:00. all right. bye, sweetie. well, that worked out. man, people are really into us. he's one of those guys who leaves incredibly long messages on the machine. i come home, i gotta go to the bathroom, i hit the button, it's like, "aaay... "guy...

it's bob!" "how you doin'? gimme a call back. i'm at..." [speaking fast] [baby cries] oh. oh, your baby is so adorable. both your kids. thank you. actually, marc and i have been talking about whether it's time to have one of these little guys ourselves. kelly: oh, really? wow. you should do it. we think we might. really? so soon? you guys have only been married 2 years. haven't had time to enjoy each other yet. it's true. kids really do take over. we haven't seen a movie in a theater in probably 6 months. we have no life. we're at the movies literally every night. on the other hand, there's something about it. it's like all my priorities changed the day we found out we were having kirby. and when they smile at you and call you daddy, i'll tell you what, it's the best. oh, marc! i know. maybe it's time.

you know, having a baby really does ruin your body, though, abby. it... except for you. thanks. can i hold him? oh, sure. watch out, abby. that one's a drooler. hey there. oh, look, marc. hey there. hello. i have very small feet. hey, marc, what's the deal with capers, huh? i don't know. ok, here's our home phone, my work phone, marc's work phone, our e-mail, which is always the best way to reach us, and cell phone. oh, great. thanks. all right, guys. thanks a lot. sure. you're welcome. see you tomorrow. all right. bye-bye. bye. wow. work phone, home phone, cell phone, e-mail. yeah, they really don't wanna lose touch, do they? it's good, though. now our friends are friends with each other.

it's nice when you can make that happen. yeah, absolutely. son of a bitch. they stole the shmenkmans. and you know what i walked out with? [ slurps ] [ dad ] a new passat. [ dad ] 0% apr. 60 months. done and done. [ dad ] in that driveway, is a german-engineered piece of awesome. that i got for 0% apr. good one, dad. thank you, dalton. [ male announcer ] it's the car you won't stop talking about. ever. hurry in to the volkswagen best. thing. ever. event. and get 0% apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd. that's the power of german engineering.

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after using crest pro-health for a few weeks, arthur, got a package for ya! it's my deep-sea corn loops. sweet diggity! [ripping cardboard] whoa! you gotta sign here first. oh, i see. so, that's how you're gonna play it, huh? i'm not playing anything. you gotta sign it. that's our policy. well, you must think i'm a damn fool. i sign your fancy electric doodad, and you got me. i'm in your computer, i'm on your list, and pretty soon, you know what videos i rent, and i'm considered a pervert. i'm begging you. all right. thanks.

"schmarther schmooner." ok. you beat the system. douglas, get some milk and prepare to be delighted. ok. gotta use your hands, huh? you know, you can tilt the box. that's the way most people go. well, i'm not most people. mmm. ohh! this is taking me back. give it a try. all right. they're salty.

and what part of "sergeant salty" didn't you understand? i understand what "salty" means. it's just not a great quality in a cereal. these were beloved by millions. i don't care. cereal shouldn't taste like a slim jim. sweet diggity. are you ignorant. hey, hon. hey. mmm. what's in the box? a life supply of stinky loops. good, good. so, listen, i just got off the phone with kelly, and it's official: she and deacon are going out with the shmenkmans. really? yup. dinner. this saturday night. ain't that a kick in the chops? i knew we shouldn't have let them leave together after the brunch. we should've kept one couple here. you're so right. we had them. we had them right here. what happened? i'm sure your burping in the middle of brunch didn't help matters. whoa. what just happened here?

are you blaming this on me? no. i'm just saying it might be possible that not everyone enjoys a sausagey burp as much as i do... which, p.s., is not that much. ok, yeah, yeah. and you telling them about your deviated septum surgery for 40 minutes, that's really what won 'em over. they asked. but you know what? here's a nice little phrase you might wanna learn in the future: it's called "long story short." ok. and here's one for you: "no, thanks. i'm full." wow. honey, i'm sorry. we shouldn't be turning on each other. this is just such a rough one. i mean, now we've lost the shmenkmans and deacon and kelly. deacon and kelly, they were solid, you know? they weren't flashy, but they got the job done. hang on. we haven't really lost anyone. they're just going out to dinner. that's where it starts. first they're going to dinner together, then they're going to the movies, then they're going on vacation together,

and the next thing you know, we're watching their slides from disney world and dying inside. i know! that is so true. is japanese ok? oh, yeah. there's a great place over on 58th. maybe i'll get udon. ooh. kim, right? kim...milner? right. accounting. you just started? yeah. and you're, uh... carrie heffernan. i'm grossman's secretary. oh, i thought i recognized you, and i was right. hi! hi. gary milner. how are ya? hi, gary. would you guys like to go out tonight? i can't wait to see this. i hear kevin spacey is amazing. he's always great. the man's a national treasure. red hot, anyone? oh, yeah, all right. oh, great. here you go.

whoa! spicy. speakin' of spices, how about pepper, huh? you know when you go to a restaurant and the waiter comes around and asks if you want fresh ground pepper? i can never decide. oh, yeah. that's kinda true. and they do that with the parmesan cheese, too. yes, yes, they do. he's good. i can work with him. so, you guys thinking about having kids? what? you know, babies... offspring? we're brother and sister. hello, darlings. it's saturday night. aren't you going out? no. we don't have any plans. deacon and kelly couldn't get a sitter?

actually, they did. they're just out with someone else. what about that other lovely couple you had over for brunch? they seemed like a lot of fun. pack it down, ok? the lady said we had no plans. ok! ok! cool your jets, eddie! you know, dad, if you don't like those salty corn loops, you don't have to eat all hundred boxes. has he been talkin' to you? have you been bad-mouthing my cereal? yes. it's all i talk about. well, i love this cereal. i love it. you may not because you're an angry man, but i love it. ok. god bless. enjoy. oh, who am i kidding? it's disgusting. besides which... i'm so very thirsty.

you know what? maybe we would feel better if we just got out of the house. all right, yeah. what do you wanna do? i don't know. you wanna try out that new steak house? do i wanna? you plus beef equals fun. whoa. this place is nice. you're right. the sweats wouldn't have worked. table for 2? yeah. this way. thanks. oh, no. what? they're here. they took recommendation, and they used it behind our backs. can you believe that? what do we do? let's get out of here. hey! hey, man! hey! hi, you guys! ohh! what's going on, you guys? we just came by for some steak. and possibly a bloomin' onion. we stole your little tip on this place. sorry. hey, where's a cop, right?

you want to join us? we could squeeze in. no, no. you guys already have your food. no, don't be silly! we're having a little romantic celebration, anyway. it's doug's... half-birthday. so you guys enjoy, ok? ok. all right, man. ♪ uncomfortable ♪ ♪ i know maybe we should sit down with them. no. carrie, they asked us to sit down. yeah, it was a pity-ask, ok? they don't really wanna sit with us. ha ha ha! ha ha ha! do you hear that? every laugh is another inside joke we're not a part of. i think we should go back in there. you think so? yes! let's go over to the table, kick it up a notch, and show them we're the fun, great couple we know we are. and we are, damn it. we're the heffernans! we've got... heffer-vescence. let's go. hey, changed our minds. decided to join you.

and we come bearing bread. we'll scooch over. thank you. so, wassup, meat-eaters? oh! this is like a sunday brunch reunion, right? ha ha! yeah, right. ready to order? ma'am? i'm gonna have the salmon. whoa! fish in a steak house. what is she, a witch? get her! i think she is. witchy! hey, the porterhouse is really good, man. is it, really? ok, then porterhouse it is. actually, porterhouse sounds like a lot. how about a porter-hut? ha ha ha! ha ha ha! thank you very much. all right. ok. so, what is going on over here, huh? heard a lot of laughing. abby? actually, i was just telling these guys that marc and i have definitely decided to have a baby. oh! that's great. yeah! way to go, you two! you wanna hear something weird? uh, carrie and i have decided to have one, too.

abby: really? yup! yup! race ya! ha ha ha! ha ha ha! you know they're gonna start expecting me to grow a big belly. unless i happen to have a very low sperm count. yes, yes. there you go. of course, once we don't have a baby, and they do, we're back to square one, friend-wise. who cares? friends just keep you away from tv. oh, look. someone's car broke down. should we pull over and help 'em out? yeah. they look nice. actually, they look very nice. young couple... about our age... well-dressed... miata, 2-seater, means no kids. let's make some friends.

fight back fast with tums. trusted relief that goes to work in seconds. nothing works faster. ♪ tum, tum tum tum tums! trusted relief that goes to work in seconds. rock, ja? hey, we just went to this great steak house tonight. we should all go sometime. yeah. yeah, uh, there's a gas station right up there. that one? you don't want their gas. it makes your engine knock. i'll take you to my place. hey, when we go to that steak house, you gotta watch out for the guy with the big pepper mill. hey, what's the deal with those anyway? what's up with that? captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

>> good morning. >> good morning, sasha. >> good morning, my little darlings. >> darlings? is she talking to us? >> i am talking to both of you. what do you guys want for breakfast? >> we get a choice? >> of course you do, angel. >> who's angel? >> you two are both my little gifts from heaven.

>> are you sick? >> i know. you want us to hide your new clothes from will again. >> no, girl. yeah, i do. you still got my new shoes under your bed, right? >> i'm wearing them. >> brianna, i can't believe you did that. you don't take my new stuff. >> uh, good morning, will. >> hey, honey. what's up, you guys? what's for breakfast? >> anything we want. >> how about cake? >> uh, will, you want to see my shoes? >> cake it is. how about it? >> uh, honey? shouldn't they be eating a healthy breakfast? >> relax, will. it's carrot cake. >> yeah, but, baby, it's still cake. i know -- >> baby, baby, baby. baby. did you forget what today was? >> happy anniversary. [ laughs ] you thought i forgot, right? it's not our anniversary. >> happy birthday, sweetie? >> will, the judge decides on the adoption today. >> i know, i know, i know. look, everything's gonna be fine, okay? it's gonna be fine. don't worry.

>> yeah, you're right. i was just kind of overreacting. shouldn't even waste her time showing up. >> she told me she was coming. >> well, if she does show up, i'm sure the judge will see that we're a strong, loving, happy family. boy, you touch that cake, i'll take brianna's arm off of her and smack you with it. >> why you got to use my arm? >> 'cause we're family. hershey's drops. perfectly bite-sized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. when the chocolate is hershey's, life is delicious. putting up with those annoying period symptoms? general pain relievers, like advil, only treat cramps, but midol has three active ingredients to take care of that... and fatigue and bloating. because you deserve better.

hey hun, remember you only need a few sheets. hmph! [ female announcer ] charmin ultra soft is made with extra cushions that are soft and more absorbent. plus you can use four times less. charmin ultra soft. >> cora, this was passed down from generations of africans from your great-great- granddaddy... [ clicking tongue ] he passed this down for you, so, cora... [ deep voice ] this is for you. [ normal voice ] here. try it on. yeah [clicks tongue] really loved this, cora, yeah. >> what you got there, uncle brown? >> some old junk. >> no, no, this is all collectible stuff. >> what? you have some junk collected. >> cora, this is collect-- look, check this out. this is the best album ever

recorded. harry belafonte sings "hammer time." >> uh... "please, harry, don't hurt 'em"? >> yeah. you can't touch this. see, you young people don't know how to hunk it off like we did. cora, we would shake it and then we'd just watch it wiggle. you see it wiggling back there? >> i'm not looking back there. >> cora, is it wiggling? >> it's wiggling. >> it's got to be wiggling, cora. it's like jell-o. cora. it won't let me loose. >> mr. brown, you need to throw this junk away. >> i don't need to throw nothing away, cora. >> actually, you should. all that polyester and vinyl is a fire hazard. you gonna blow this whole house up any minute. >> this used to be a hat. check it. you like that? >> oh, look at that. >> look at you looking like sin, girl. looking like new money. girl, look at you. >> good morning, everybody. >> oh, lord. here come counterfeit money. >> tanya, why are you here? >> i came to see my kids. >> they already left for school. >> oh. >> tanya, that suit looks

expensive. >> it's nice, huh? >> it's nice. >> did the alarm go off when you left the store? >> ha ha ha, look who's got jokes. >> i got tanya in this program at the church where the members donate their clothes to the ones who in need. that's gorgeous. >> wait a minute. we donated to them. >> nephew, i try to donate, and every time i go to donate my clothes, they say the program is shut down. you got a lot of people donating clothes. they shut it down when i get there. >> really? >> yes, i don't know why they won't let me donate my stuff. >> ha. no idea. >> oh, no. this is good stuff. >> so, for being an unfit mother, you get designer clothes for free. >> well, god is good. >> you know what would be funny? what would be funny, if this was one of your suits. >> oh, you ain't got to worry about that. this is not sasha's suit because i am obviously a lot skinnier than sasha. >> and we all know why, tanya.

>> girl, did she just call you a crackhead? there your vein is. >> those days are over. i have myself a new suit. i have new hair. i got a new attitude now. >> and probably a new pipe in your purse. >> mr. brown. >> does anyone need a ride to court? >> no. we don't. >> wrong. i do. >> wait a minute. how did you get over here? >> my friends dropped me off. >> well, why can't your friend take you to court? >> well, because he has allergies, and every time he goes to court, he breaks out in handcuffs. >> so, let me get this straight. you want us to give you a ride to court so you can take our kids? >> no, i want y'all to give me a ride to court so i can keep my kids. >> that ain't gonna happen. >> excuse me, baby. sasha, look. i know this is a touchy situation, but you have to think -- what would jesus do? >> jesus didn't have no kids. >> that's right, and jesus would give her bus fare and a fish sandwich and tell her to skedaddle.

bye. >> you know what? i'm gonna get a ride. 'cause my thumb ain't broke. i know how to get a ride. >> come here. i'm gonna give you a ride. ride that. >> thank you. >> yes. ♪ he-ey-ey >> i got here as fast as i can. what's the emergency? >> oh, edna, i found a family sculpture of you, right here. that's your -- ain't that you? yes, it got hair in the ears, just like yours. never mind. this is the emergency right here. bam. look at that. right there. that's a good record. >> this is the emergency. >> yeah, if i told you what the real emergency was, you wouldn't have came so fast. >> i wouldn't have come at all. >> my point exactly. i need to use your record player. >> no. you break everything. >> no, i don't. >> where's yours? >> i-it had broke. i didn't break it. it just broke. >> do you know how long i had that record player? >> is that the one that you and abraham lincoln was dancing to when he set you free? you had your... [ humming ] >> no, but when i bought it,

that outfit was in style. >> stop being selfish. you know how i put you up here and fed you. >> you overcharged me, and i paid and brought my food in myself! >> well, stop bringing up the past. you gonna let me use it or what? >> no. you'll break it. the truth is, brown, you have no regard for other people's property. you break everything you touch. >> i do -- everything i touch, i break. >> everything. come on. >> you ain't break. oh, you forgot your picture. i didn't have the heart to tell him it was you. i know y'all not in here throwing my rufus thomas greatest hit record. >> don't you mean "hits," with an "s"? >> now, you just be quiet with an "s." i'll bet y'all don't know who rufus thomas is. i bet you your mama do. >> which one?