drive. come on, come on, keep it moving. keep it moving. go home to your wives... and mother. she doesn't drive! all right, i'll see you mooks on sunday. oh, richie, don't pee there! all right, there. i love those guys. well, good. maybe you can toilet train them, you know? hello. hi. listen, thanks again for getting the tv here early. you're just-- you're so great. oh, heck. hey, what do you say we rent a movie tonight, we crack open a box of wine, make a night of it, huh? tonight? yeah. you know we can't tonight. why not? dinner at my dad's house. remember, i put the post-it note on your head? oh, come on! no, carrie, please. don't make me go to that bad place. oh, stop. it's just dinner. it'll be painless. yeah, for you. you get to stay inside with his latest wife, what's-her-name?

tessie. tessie, right, yeah. meanwhile, your wacko father's got me combing the streets with him, hunting for broken glass. you know, you really should tell him it's never gonna be a form of currency. all right, i admit he's a little out there, but we can't keep canceling on them. i don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. what was it, that you were stuck in a well? all right, i choked. yeah. come on, carrie, i just-- i feel like being alone with you tonight. you know, it has been 17 days since i've... enjoyed you. and i assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me. all right, all right, i'll cancel. yes! you're pathetic. will you look at this thing? it's like the cockpit of a 747. oh, it lights up. it's dark, but i can still see where the buttons are. all right, enough with that already. i thought you wanted to fool around tonight.

i do. i'm ready. you ready? my friend, i've been looking at denzel washington for 2 hours. i'm ready. let's rumble. all right. now, you, i want a clean fight. protect yourself at all times. [pounding on door] what's that? it's just urgent knocking. it'll go away. stop, i'll get it. no, no, you stay here. you gotta stay focused, ok? stay in the mood, huh? hey, it's all coming back. [pounding on door] ohh! i--i-- oh, sara. hey, let me guess. some huge crisis, you need to talk to your sister right away. yes! no, sorry. tessie died! tessie died? oh, man. yeah. i got home from acting class, and dad told me she died of a heart attack. oh, what a shock, huh? yeah, i know, isn't it?

so how's your dad doing? he's pretty broken up. how about you, you all right? well, you know, i'm wet. your sprinklers just came on. oh, poor dad. this has gotta be tough on him. with tessie gone, he's gotta be heartbroken, you know? this is not mustard from a jar. this is deli mustard. try it. i'm gonna go talk to sara. spend some time with him, ok? so, um... [clears throat] how you doing, arthur? how you-- how you holding up? look at that guy. what guy? that freak over at the buffet table. he's stealing food. he's making a sandwich.

another one? that's his third! yeah, you! i guess my wife's dropping dead's made you pretty hungry, huh? well, that's it! i'm cutting you off. doug, let's get his ham. thanks for everything, padre. you did a great job. here. go get yourself an egg cream. dad. sara and i really need to talk to you about something. what is it, darling? well, now that tessie's gone, things are probably going to change quite a bit. ahem. yeah, and, you know, dad, i was thinking, you know, maybe i should just get out of your way around here, you know? in fact, doug and carrie agreed to let me stay with them until i can afford my own place. well, that's just fine, sweetheart. now i can turn your room into a little greenhouse, grow some stuff to help my...glaucoma. dad, um, actually, you know, there's more. carrie, you... well, dad, we felt, uh, you know,

under the circumstances, you might be happier if you sold the house and moved into a nice... lovely retirement home. i got 2 words for you-- i'm stayin' right here! that's 4 words. oh, is it? then i got another 4 words-- screw you! well, that's 2 words. arthur, maybe you should stop saying in advance how many words you have. yeah, once you do that, you're pretty much locked in, huh? locked in. all right, thank you. dad, look, we love you, and we respect you, but let's face it, you need a lot of... watching. i resent that! oh, dad, please. the last time tessie left you alone for 2 minutes, she found you reshingling the roof with no pants... and no shingles. so, because a man is old, because he has a few eccentricities, you're ready to put him down like a lame horse, is that it? well, let me tell you something. as long as i've got the strength to draw breath,

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super intense pigments smoldering it doesn't get more smokin' than this! bewitching voluminous smoldering liner from l'oreal paris hey, what's going on? guess who won himself $9.00 in poker tonight. if you guessed doug heffernan, you might just be right. what's the matter? what's your, uh, what's your dad doing here, anyway? and why does he smell like hickory smoked bacon? well, dad decided to cook his dinner on a 42-year-old hot plate, and he burned his house down. he what? but--but there's a whole big kitchen in there.

what the hell's he cooking on a hot plate for? apparently it was his lucky hot plate. it is lucky. it's the only thing that survived the fire. sara: well... i guess i'll unpack now. [coughs] good night. i really screwed up, didn't i? at least no one was hurt. sara's ok, you're ok. that's the main thing. i'm not ok. i'm just a stupid old fool who's overstayed his welcome on this earth. carrie... why don't you pick out one of those places for me, and i'll go without a fight. [hot plate clanking]

by the way, honey, if you want, i can take a personal day from work tomorrow. we can check out some of those retirement places. there's a really nice one i deliver to right off of queens boulevard. they have very good macaroni and cheese. hey, what's the matter? doug, upstairs it just hit me. i--i can't do this to him. i can't just stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of jell-o. i mean, he's my father. hey, carrie, i know how you feel, but you gotta be realistic. there's no alternative. well, there's one alternative. euthanasia? do we dare? no. i was talking about him living here. here? with us? i mean, how? we don't have the room. i mean, sara's gonna be in the spare bedroom, right? yeah. well, there's no other room. i mean, there's this room, but this room is--

oh, no, no, no, no, no, this is my safe place. i'm safe here, remember? did you see his face when he talked about going into a retirement home? he looked so depressed. d-d--is that what you got, depressed? see, i didn't get depressed. no, i read him more like a nervous, fun energy, like--like a kid going to summer camp for the first time. it's scary, but, hey, there's arts and crafts. [crying] oh, whoa, come on, don't do that, don't. i'm sorry. i just--i feel so guilty about my dad, but i feel like if i help him, it hurts you, and i don't want to hurt you. i love you. come on, carrie, don't cry. come on, when you cry, i... oh, god.. [crying] oh, god. he can live here. it's ok. oh, honey, are you sure? yeah. this room's stupid, anyway. honey, you're the best. thank you so much.

let's go tell dad. oh, god. are you ok? i need a few minutes. would you hold me? yeah. spence: come on! you gotta make those tackles! they're gonna blow it. they're already down 42-3. well, at least i think that's the score. i can't see the bottom of the screen. doug: hey, richie, come on, eat over a plate. carrie doesn't want to get crumbs on the duvet. what's the duvet? look, i don't know, but she was pointing to that area when she said it. pull the covers off. ah, it's drafty. my legs-- pull the covers off! all right. why are you in such a foul mood? because i'm watching a football game on something called a duvet. this sucks, man.

hey, what do you want me to do, all right? i mean, i'm living with my wife's family now, ok? at least you get to go home. sportscaster: back with scores and highlights after this. hey, moose, question for you. now that your wife's sister moved in, the two of them ever, you know, uh, get into an argument, then, uh, maybe start whackin' each other with pillows. next thing you know, a little playful rasslin' leads to a lingering kiss... i'm askin'. is--is this egyptian cotton? because-- give me that! see, when you can do this, that means it's time to buy a new one, ok? ok, this isn't about the milk, is it, carrie? no, this is about me losing that set of house keys with your address on it. what? oh, you heard me. y-y-y-you want to...

ok, honey, i'm out. [door opens] jeez! don't mind me. keep shaving. keep shaving. sara, what are you doing? i haven't showered yet. i'm sorry, but if i'm late for this audition, there's no way i'll get it. just give me 5 minutes. ok, half hour, tops. oh, man. [turns shower on] ah... the subway's gonna be a disaster this morning--

your face. why did you cut yourself so much? i'd rather not say. and why are you still in your pajamas, hon? it's a quarter to 8:00. have you even showered? no. your sister's been in there for 20 minutes. well, did you try flushing the toilet? yeah. she just screams and keeps showering. all right, i'll get her out. whoa. slept like a baby. 75 years old and i still wake up with the little guy salutin' me. [takes deep breath] sara: i'm out of the bathroom! let me at it! i have a good feeling. this could be my day. dispatcher: doug? i got your wife on the line. should i patch her through? yeah, yeah, please. doug? hey, babe. hi. how's it going? i've been better. i was a half hour late to work and my boss ripped me a new one.

again, honey? that's your fourth one this month. so what's up? nothing. i was just sittin' here thinking about you and how much i love you and how great you've been about dad moving in and everything. ah, no big deal. no, it is. i mean, living with us has calmed him down so much. in fact, i just spoke to him an hour ago, and he said he was just going to spend the rest of the afternoon in his room reading. [loud music plays on car radio] isn't that something? doug? doug?

it's been a happy union. he does laundry, and i do the cleaning. there's only two of us... how much dirt can we manufacture? more than you think. very little. [ doorbell rings ] [ lee ] let's have a look, morty. it's a sweeper. what's this? what's that? well we'll find out. we'll find out. [ lee ] it goes under all the way to the back wall. i came in under the assumption that it was clean. i've been living in a fool's paradise! oh boy... there you go... morty just summed it up. the next 44 years we'll be fine.

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is the hookers! look, the fact is, i was lonely. i just didn't want to go to the movies by myself. that's all there was to it. he didn't have to embarrass me in front of my hos. embarrass you? excuse me, who'd they pepper spray? you guys, i'm thinking about having a party here. is tuesday ok? no, it's not. and not wednesday either. i'm having the kiwanis club over. well, can't you switch it to thursday? all right, that's it! listen up, ok? hey, this is my house. i pay the mortgage here. actually, she pays the mortgage. it's a tax thing. the point is, starting now, here are the rules. no parties, no kiwanis, no hookers, no jumping in line for the bathroom and making me late for work, and certainly, no naked soapy silhouettes gettin' me all hot while i'm trying to shave. you got that, arthur? god, finally, sara's out on a date...

dad's nailed into the basement for the night, so it's just you and me, doug... if that is your real name. what's the matter? i'm not in the mood. why not? i feel fat. would you stop it? you're not fat. you're... i know. husky. husky. husky. that's right. now, what's really going on? i just miss the way things used to be. you know, when it was just you and me and... we had the house to ourselves and we could... watch the top and bottom half of a movie. i know. i know. me, too. but look at it this way. sometimes the top half of a movie is all you need. right? i guess you're right. ok.

wait. the top half of a movie is all you need? what the hell does that mean? it...it... it means nothing. it means nothing. we haven't had sex in a month, so if you want to talk, let's talk after. yeah, if i'm still awake, baby. yeah. [electricity crackles] did you, uh... confiscate your dad's hot plate? i should have, shouldn't i? let's just keep going till we smell smoke. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute good night.

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the proof is in the mirror. new infallible lip color from l'oreal. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪ laugh and cry ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hi. this is peter. don't get scared that you can hear my voice but you can't see me. this is the story of a great adventure that happened to me and some of my pals. it all began innocently enough, with my stupid wife showing me some dumb-ass brochure. so, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. you and i will have one cabin, and bonnie and joe and quagmire will have the other two. ah, this is going to be so much fun! hi, chris. how was school? not good. i got suspended for saying bad words. oh, for god's sake! my principal wants to meet with you guys. should we go? it sounds like a trap. yes, peter, we should go. all right, but if it's a trap and we don't come back, i get to make smart-alecky remarks when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. any more bright ideas, professor? (school bell ringing)

mr. and mrs. griffin, the reason chris was suspended is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. well, principal shepherd, we promise you it won't happen again. i don't know where chris heard the joke, but i can assure you it wasn't at home. was it, chris? no. mr. quagmire told it to me. i should have figured. was it the one where the blind man walks by the fish market and says, "good morning, ladies"? (laughing): i told you that one! you told me that one. i sure did. we enjoy each other's company. hey, quagmire. you know, you got chris suspended from school for telling one of your dirty jokes. oh, gosh, peter, i'm sorry. you want me to talk to him? well, no, actually, i... i want you to tell me the joke. yeah, tell us the joke. you want to hear it? all right. so, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... (muttering indistinctly) p.s. your vagina's in the sink. (guffawing) oh, god, i pooped my pants. (chuckles) it's funny when it happens to other people.

yuck. that's the end of those underwears. i didn't know what to do, so i took them off and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down like one of them sticky octopuses. well, it's a pretty funny joke, you know, when you think about it. "your vagina's in the sink." (laughs) damn it! wow. he poops every time he hears that joke. (chuckles) yeah. he does, doesn't he? (both giggling) get out of here, quagmire! i just put on clean pants! (cell phone vibrating) who's texting me? (laughs) damn it! (quagmire and joe laughing) stop it, you guys! you're ruining all my clothes! okay, quagmire, he's asleep.

(laughing) peter! you just pooped all over the bed! when you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. hello, fellas. hey, pete... hey, those are my pants. that's right. thought i'd come by and see if you have any jokes to tell. i enjoy a joke. i don't know. i want to tell the joke, but i like those pants. i'll tell the joke. go ahead, joe. i'm all anus. joe, don't you dare. i'll push you straight into traffic. peter, you win. all right, i won't tell the joke anymore. you know, i-i got to admit, quagmire, despite all the problems, that joke is freaking hilarious. where'd you hear it? bruce told it to me. no way bruce came up with that. where'd he hear it? i don't know-- probably just around. i mean, where does any dirty joke come from? hey, you know, joe is right. there's a million of them. they got to be coming from somewhere. i mean, somebody's got to be making these things up. well, who? i don't know. but haven't you ever wanted to find out?