ug. this is carrie. how you doin'? good. and this is lynn. hey, i love your headset. oh, yeah. this? yeah, yeah. it keeps me in touch with my staff. i don't rest unless i know they're all ok. huh? that's cool. no... that's survival. hey, it's called "excuse me"! why don't you try it next time?! yeah. this woman's a tiger. i don't know if i'm lovin' the arm thing. oh, sorry. all right, so why don't you ladies-- you got the address. we'll see you back at our house? ok, bye. so what do you think? mine's great. yours seems kinda bitchy. come on. come on. hurry up. hurry up. we gotta hurry up and decrap this place before they get here. doug, we got, like, 2 minutes. there's no way we're gonna get it all. oh, my god, you're right. all right, look, don't panic. we just gotta concentrate on the big stuff, all right? what's the most disgusting thing about this place?

i gotta go with the smell. all right, find it. i'll be in the kitchen. good, good, good. hey, moose, what happens if we both get lucky tonight? who's gonna get the bedroom? that's a classic problem, my friend. whoa! i think i found the smell. oh, good, man. way to go. eh...that is bad. but that's not it. it's more in the meat family. i'll keep lookin'. all right. hey, i got a good idea. why don't we got a book for the coffee table? this way, it looks like we read. oh, good, good. good idea. good idea. you got one? yeah. you know what? i got it in my old, uh... s.a.t. study book, ok? i'll break it open, and i'll highlight some crap. oh, you know what, i forgot. i gotta go get somethin'. i'll be right back.

whose dog is that? it's that guy down the hall. what the hell you doin' with it? when i was hittin' on carrie, i told her i rescued a stray from the pound. a pound rescue? that's good. can i get in on that with ya? you know, like we both saw him, we fell in love? actually, i already told her you fought me on it. oh, great. i hate abandoned dogs. thanks, thanks. way to start me off. [door buzzes] oh, god, they're here. yeah. come on up! what the hell you doin'? what are you talkin' about? that's my spot. get out of it. i ain't movin'. get outta here. get out of there. sorry, man, but i need my spot. i look good here.

you gave them the apartment number, right? frfrfrom the analogy section. "pride is to lion as what is to goose"? flock! no. no, i'm sorry. the correct answer is gaggle. that answer again... gaggle. start drinkin', honey. a quick question: is this the whole evening, here? because, i gotta admit, i didn't study. it's a drinking game. it's fun. it's the s.a.t.s.

don't you have any real games? i gave all our real games to the kids i tutor at the orphanage. oh, you tutor orphans. that is so sweet. yeah, i guess, you know. it just doesn't feel like enough though, you know? i mean, these kids have been given nothing, and society... is...bad. god, you are such a sensitive guy! it's hard to believe that you bounce. do you, you know, get into a lot of fights at the club? well, you know, i try everything i can not to fight. it's like i tell my boys, "always be nice. "be very nice... until it's time to not be nice, then... be very not nice." ha ha ha! i love that. yeah. i can't take full credit, though. patrick swayze said it in road house. oh, i never saw that movie. you never saw it? it's only the greatest movie ever made, except for risky business. really? so... carrie...

yeah? you like baseball? well, i've been to a few met games. yeah? the mets, the amazin' mets. you know why they call 'em that? 'cause they're amazing. well, that clears up that mystery. you know what else would be amazing? hmm? your beautiful body in my bed. yeah. you're right. that would be amazing. [whining] what's up with your dog? oh, that? ah, he's ok. he's fine. hey, buddy! come here, buddy! come on! come to daddy! come on! oh, i forgot. he's deaf. mmm. ok, how about some beers? yeah. let's keep this party rollin', huh? whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! yeah. all right, ladies, get ready because we're comin' up on the vocabulary section. hurry. oh, carrie, richie is so cute.

you did good. i did good? the guy's a moron. then why did you want to come back here? i don't know. i liked his cologne. oh... plus, he seemed a lot smarter when he was completely drowned out by music. i'm tellin' you, he should walk around with a boom box strapped to his head. i'm serious. you like your guy? oh, dan? yeah, he's, you know, kinda sweet. i don't think his name is dan. i am so in. you are. you are doin' good, moose. but i don't know about carrie, though. yeah. she's quite a cupcake, that one, huh? i don't get it. we were totally hittin' it off at the club. i look good, right? you says i look good. you look great, man. she's so into you. it's a go for richie. i dunno. maybe you've just gotta kick things up a notch. it's time to bust out the heavy artillery.

[foreigner's hot-blooded plays] huh? this is pretty cool, huh? yeah. it's kinda trippy. hey, check out my choppers. ha ha ha! so, carrie? yeah? you feelin' what i'm feelin'? i don't know. are you feeling nauseous? a little bit. what kind of beer is this? it tastes kinda weird. oh, it's canadian. it's stout lager. ale. mmm. there's definitely something wrong with it. actually, mine tastes a little weird, too. mmm...not weird. it tastes like gin. you put gin in our beers? i was out of vodka.

[lynn laughs loudly] it's not funny, you idiot. hey, i was just tryin' to loosen things up a little bit! you been bitchin' and moanin' since you got here. you're like my mother. oh, i'm sorry. you don't like me, fonzy? well, that's ok. all right, lynn, come on. get your mini-backpack. we're going. carrie, come on! what the hell are you doin'? why are you spikin' the beers? i was tryin' to get them in bed. ok, that explains theirs. what about mine? ladies, ladies, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! hang out, man. there's no reason to go. yeah, carrie, i agree with dan. i mean, you are making a huge deal outta nothing. who? oh, am i? when should i make a big deal about it, huh? when we're stuffed in oil drums and buried under their building? she call me dan? hey, you know what? just go. and i'll tell you somethin' else: it's your loss because i was gonna show you my fireman's uniform.

oh, really? because i was gonna sleep with you just so i can hear a little amazing mets story again. what was it? oh, yeah. "they're amazin'." that's great. let's go. let's go. i'd love to see your fireman's uniform, richie. huh? lynn! well, i'm sorry. i would. all right, come on. his uniform's nothin'! i got a little league uniform that blows it away! lynn, come on! you're my ride home! he's so cute. lynn! lynn? lynn? [weakly] lynn? no-charge scheduled maintenance. check. and here's the kicker... 0% apr for 60 months. and who got it? this guy. and who got it? this guy. and who got it? this guy. that's right... [ male announcer ] it's the car you won't stop talking about. ever. hurry in to the volkswagen best. thing. ever. event. and get 0% apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd.

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huggies, the brand parents trust. what are they doin'? what do you think they're doin'? i don't know. maybe he really is just showing her his uniform. i heard moaning. maybe she's injured. yeah. that's it. that's it. i don't believe this. she was my date. yeah? well, i got news for you. your date's not goin' so well. all i know is if you would have gone in there and checked out his stupid uniform,

i'd be with lynn right now and everything would be fine. hey, don't blame this on me. if you can't lynn to sleep with you, that's your fault because, i'll tell ya, she sleeps with everybody. that's great. yeah, good. keep it comin'. what the hell is that smell? we don't know! will you take a break from your bad personality? excuse me, billy ray dufus, but i happen to have a very nice personality when i am not sitting in a stinky apartment being drugged with a disgusting gin/beer cocktail! i think i'm gonna be sick. well, if you're gonna, don't puke here, ok? you gotta puke in the bathroom. could you stop sayin' the word "puke"? 'cause it makes me wanna puke. ok. i didn't know it was gonna make you sick. i won't say it anymore. you wanna see my collection of puka shells? ok, i work in a bar. i've seen hundreds of people puke. they've all managed to miss me.

congratulations. but on the plus side, this place has a new smell now. hey, listen, um... thanks for holding my hair back when i was throwin' up. ah, forget about it. i was basically just steering you away from my sports illustrated. look at that. a little smile there, huh? see? you look nice when you smile. you should try to work that into the rotation a little more often. ha ha. so, uh, bouncin'-- that's your thing? you like that? yeah, you know. it's-- it's good for now. i like workin' with my hands. it's really just a stepping stone, though. to what? i wanna open my own sandwich shop. uh-huh. you know, a little neighborhood place where people can come by if they want a sandwich. a sandwich shop. that's-- yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah,

but like a cool little place, you know? with great sandwiches and each sandwich would be named after one of my buddies. oh, sounds great. but what if you have a falling out with one of your buddies and he represents a classic sandwich? i didn't work out all the details yet. so how about you? what do you do? well, i'm currently interviewing for a very high-powered executive assistant position in manhattan, but, uh, right now i'm workin' at food town. ahem. wow! the one on hillside avenue? no. the one on northern boulevard. oh... 'cause i--i go to the other one. but i'm sure they're all...good. yeah, i mean, it's a chain. pretty standard. yeah. wait a second. where--- where's the dog? i don't know. why is the door open? you left the door open?!

i did not! you did so before when you were about to leave! no. i'm sure i closed it! no, you didn't! do you see area? it should be covered by this! well, i am sorry! i was a little disoriented with your little light show. ok? richie! guy! uh, not a great time, moose! yeah. carrie left the door open and the dog got away! so? so i think someone should look for 'im. and if you remember, i was against getting him. so i think it should be you. moose, i'm begging ya. stop talkin'! all right, fine, but i'm not goin' and look for the dog, so you can forget it. lynn: dan? yeah? could you get me a fresca? nah! wait a minute. wait. aren't one of you guys gonna go look for your dog? it's not even our dog, all right? richie borrowed him from a neighbor to impress you with his sensitivity

so you'd sleep with him. richie: he doesn't tutor orphans! shut up! where the hell is that dog? do you think that maybe we can put the top up? excuse me. it's a sports car, ok? you wanna get the whole experience. otherwise, you might as well just drive a station wagon. i'm freezing. could you please put the top up? it's broken. then could you at least put the heat on? it's broken. this is great. so i have to sit in this piece of crap while the wind rakes through my hair? it's perfect. what are you worried about? you got enough hair spray in their to stop a bullet. excuse me. this happens to be a style from a magazine. oh, yeah? what magazine is that? the too much hair spray gazette? [chuckles]

ok, you know what? let's just look for the dog, ok? i would love to look for the dog. why don't you start calling his name then? 'cause i don't know his name. well, say something. fine! lassie! spot! toto! ooh, wait, wait, wait. i think that's him. where? right in front of that house. oh, wow, he's really givin' himself a once-over, huh? this is nice, real nice. yeah, well, i'm glad you're happy. could you please not sit on my softball stuff? you know, i was gonna stay home tonight. i really was. oh, yeah? well, thanks for slappin' on a couple coats of paint and comin' out. you know what? stop the car. i'm just kiddin' around, all right? i said stop the car! ah! pinch the guy drivin'. that's smart. i'm getting out. where you goin'? i'm going home. there's a bus stop right over there.

you can't go to that bus stop, all right? this is not a great neighborhood. i will take my chances! i'm serious, ok? i will leave you. good. go. i'm serious! i'm not comin' back! so good. don't. fine! what am i doin'? oh, she's so annoying. she has high hair. she totally didn't get the sandwich shop thing. just pull away, man. just pull away.

it's been a happy union. he does laundry, and i do the cleaning. there's only two of us... how much dirt can we manufacture? more than you think. very little. [ doorbell rings ] [ lee ] let's have a look, morty. it's a sweeper. what's this? what's that? well we'll find out. we'll find out. [ lee ] it goes under all the way to the back wall. i came in under the assumption that it was clean. i've been living in a fool's paradise! oh boy... there you go... morty just summed it up. the next 44 years we'll be fine.

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>> all right. joaquin, brianna. grilled cheese, just like you like it. >> burned? >> i prefer the term "smoked." >> if sasha was here, she wouldn't make us eat this. >> this is child abuse. >> hey, there are starving children in this world who'd

love to eat this food. >> and because of you, there are starving children in this house! >> hey, i'm a great cook! >> you ruined breakfast yesterday. >> honest mistake. >> will, it was cereal. >> look here, if you guys don't want to eat my food, if you don't appreciate the hard work that i'm doing to try to put something in your-- >> i can't believe you drug me out of church before it was even over! >> i can't believe the way the pastor went on and on and on and on like that! >> it was not that long! >> cora, what you mean, it wasn't that long? will, there was a brother that came and joined the church. he had time to go down the street, rob the bank, and still had time to come back and repent! >> that is not true. >> and who questions the way somebody tithes? i give my 10th. they better be glad people still tithing anyway, with this bad economy. >> you gave it in quarters, mr. brown! you gonna give the poor usher a hernia! >> well, jesus heals. >> yes, he does! >> it's time for change around

this church. people been talking about our congregation. >> who been talking about our congregation? >> mainly me, but word travels fast! >> oh! >> you know what, uncle brown? the church board's having elections next week. >> yeah. >> you should run. >> really? you know what, nephew? that sounds like a wonderful idea. that's what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna run for church board. things gonna change around here. >> mr. brown can't run water! >> i actually think he'd do great. >> and you can't boil water! >> what we need is we need change, change we all can believe in. >> and you gonna make that change, mr. brown? >> i sure am. yes, i sure-le-ry am. i'm gonna change it. nephew! tastes like you put your foot in these grits. >> really? so you like them? >> no. it really tastes like you put your feet in it, like your nasty, stinking, callused feet with fungus on them!

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extreme smooth combing crème defies frizz and flyaways for up to 24 hours. vidal sassoon smooth. salon genius. affordable for all. >> hey, will. >> brianna, joaquin? sasha's here to pick you up. let's go. next time, ring the doorbell, please. >> we're going to a movie and then to grab a bite. >> they ate lunch. >> oh, no. oh, god, those poor kids must be starving! ha! yeah. oh, sorry. you know, baby, i was just trying to ease the tension. >> a wack joke about my bad cooking isn't gonna ease anything. >> will, you're gonna have to talk to me eventually. >> there's nothing to talk about. brianna, joaquin? sasha's here! let's go!

>> sasha! >> hey! how you guys doing? oh, you look so good. >> i miss you, sasha. >> oh, i missed you, too, joaquin. >> we just saw her yesterday. >> well, we are gonna have a great time today. >> i wish we could just hang out here. >> yeah, sasha. let's hang out here. >> no, sasha's got plans for you guys today. >> um, okay, guys. um, would you excuse us for a minute, please? >> no, no, no, guys. don't go anywhere. >> but i need to talk to you. >> there's nothing to talk about. >> your turn. >> brianna, this isn't a game. >> you could've fooled me. >> i'll see you guys at 7:00. >> um, i'm gonna go upstairs and grab a few things. >> okay.

>> are will and sasha breaking up? >> i don't know, joaquin. >> i thought they loved each other. >> well, sometimes adults just forget. >> maybe we can remind them. >> how? >> gosh, do i have to think of everything around here? all we have to do... >> pow! >> mr. brown, what are you doing now? >> cora, i'm making some signs for my campaign. look at that. okay, cora, i want you to check this one out. looky here. >> what? let me see. >> "vote for brown and your tithes will go down." >> you can't steal from jesus. >> i'm not stealing from him. i'm gonna give it back when i get to heaven. cora--oh, look at this one. look at this one. "brown puts the 'union' in 'communion.'" >> oh. >> that's catchy, ain't it? you like that one. >> that sounds pretty good.

i got to work on my slogans for my campaign. >> what campaign? what you talking about? >> oh, some of the church members put my name on the ballot. they want me to run. >> were they sad when you told them no? >> i didn't. >> what? cora, wait. we better call them. you can't just lead people on. that's not christ-like. >> what are you talking about? >> congratulations, cora. >> thank you! >> speaking of not christ-like... >> i heard you put your church hat in the race. >> yes, i did. thank you. >> oh, so, you really gonna run against me? you serious? >> yeah. >> you serious?! ha ha ha ha! >> what is so funny? >> cora, you right. it's not funny. it's ridiculous. it's unsensible. it's the craziest thing i ever heard in my life! >> it is not. cora would make a good board member. >> thank you. >> as a matter of fact, we're gonna vote for her. right, colonel? >> well, um, i was-- >> right, colonel? >> well, edna, i could use a cut in my tithes. i mean, huh, you're a little high-maintenance. >> colonel, i've been a member of this church for years, and

the congregation respects me. >> well, you got a point there, cora. >> oh, that ain't nothing! i've been a member of this church for years, too! and the congregation--who cares what everybody thinks? i'm gonna win anyway. >> e.r. no, you cannot just walk in and get a flu shot. you need an appointment. no, this is not the free clinic! i don't care who you are. now, stop calling here, mama. >> renee, that was rude. >> i know. i don't know why she don't get a fake insurance card like everybody else. >> mr. simons needs his catheter removed in 301, and ms. livingston had another "accident" in her bed again in 306. can you take care of that for me? thank you. no, no, no, renee. not you. i'm talking to nurse brown. >> excuse me? >> what? you can do it.

i've got some other things i need renee to handle. >> ooh. here you go. now, when you do it, make sure you breathe through your mouth. 'cause sometimes it get caught in my throat and--unh-unh. >> with all due respect, will... >> that's "dr. brown." >> okay, fine, dr. brown. i am the charge nurse on this floor. that means that all physicians' orders are assigned by me. >> and i'm the senior resident on this floor, and no nurse will question my orders. >> renee, what are you doing? >> i'm getting some footage for my new reality show: "when residents attack." and can you guys speak up? because the audio on this thing is messed up. i was using it the other night when me and my boyfriend... >> get out. >> and it broke. as you can see, the female of the species is the aggressor.