m-- carrie, it's my one night out with the guys. you're right, you're right. i'm sorry. he'll--he'll be fine. i know, i know. ok, have a good time. bye. have fun. argh! arthur! [laughter] doug: so i tell her, i said, "look, lady, "i just need you to sign for the package, right? i'm not allowed to come inside." and then, i swear to god, her robe just opens... deacon: get outta here. i'm telling you, she pulls the sash, the thing opens, boom! i'm staring right at simon and garfunkle. look, man, i would have gone for it. yeah, you would have run away screaming. hey, i get hit on a lot at work, ok? what, when they're buyin' subway tokens they fondle your hand through the little slot? yeah, your mother does.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. let me finish my story, please, huh? so anyway, i'm trying to look like i'm not rattled, you know-- hey, doug, where's the old man? doug: oh, there he is. let me--let me go wrangle him, huh? doug: arthur? come on. let's go. we, uh, we got a booth. what kind of a joint is this anyway? one of those private, uh... after-hour clubs? it's just a place we hang out. cops ever come in and bust it up? it's a restaurant. come on. that's my marker, gentlemen! ok. you go have a seat, huh? you can have a nice meal. get you a stiff drink, we're gonna be fine. here you go, you can sit right there. these the same fellas who were in the car with us? same ones. doug: ok, where was i? anyway, her robe's open, right, and now she's got my pen. she won't give me the pen, so i'm lookin' at her, like, "look, lady, if you don't sign for the package, i'll going to have to call my supervisor, right?" you gonna call o'boyle. he would have been there in 5 minutes with his pants down.

o'boyle? who's o'boyle? he's our boss at work. so, anyway, her robe's open, completely open, she's got the pen-- an irishman? who? o'boyle. is he an irishman? yeah, i guess so. so--so what? it doesn't matter. arthur: i fought in the battle of the bulge with an irishman. his name was o'shannon. saw him get his nose shot right off his face. choked to death on his own blood, screaming for his mother. oh, but we saved your precious europe. i think your pool table's open. is it? yeah. this one's for o'shannon! uh, sorry about him... nah, it's fine. don't worry about it. yeah, it's not like he lives in your house or anything... oops. funny. it ain't funny, right? shut up. i got, like, a 2-minute window here i can tell you this, all right? i had a marker down. this is my table now. what marker? what are you talking about? right here.

ha. that's a nickel. it's 4 quarters to play the table. excuse me. looks like you missed. now get off my table, unless you feel like dancing with the snowman! oh, i'm not going to get to finish this story, am i? ♪ what a man, what a man, what a man ♪ ♪ what a mighty good man whoo! i thought that guy really had us, douglas, but you lost him with that nifty driving of yours. what do you call that maneuver, anyway? a right turn. arthur: whoo! what a night we had, carrie! bar fight, car chase, topped off by a fine dinner at... what was that place, douglas? white castle. well, i'm glad you had fun, dad. listen, it's pretty late.

why don't you head on down to bed? well, i'm pretty wired, but... that's what the pills are for. douglas, you're a good boy. ohh, you took him anyway. that was so sweet. yeah, yeah. was it terrible? he is quite a cupcake. well, thank you. thank you very, very, very much. i love you, i love you, i love you. had a couple of drinks, did you? mm-hmm. tell ya, i don't know what gets into your father sometimes, you know? he's like a boxer that doesn't hear the bell. ooh, you hit something there. uh-huh. sha-shay. wow! you've learned me. uh-huh. where we going, upstairs? uh-huh. be gentle.

yeah. hey. what's up, deke? i got your jacket. you left it at cooper's last night. thank you. hmm. you're awfully chipper for a guy who was chased out of a bar making girly noises. pancake? waffle? how 'bout a pancake-waffle combo? huh? what do you say? like a paffle? yeah, any of that's fine. so seriously, man, what's this good mood all about? [sighs] oh, nothing special. now, come on. what? well, carrie saw that i had taken arthur out with us last night, and she was, how shall i say... appreciative. you had sex. sort of. it certainly was in the sex family. what do you mean? let's just say that last night... was doug time. oh, you mean--

that's right, my friend. mazeltov. i guess it goes to show you it pays to be nice to your wife's father. yeah, maybe i'll try that. i know begging and crying haven't worked. dad, could you grab me the blue package in the back seat? no, the blue one. that's not the blue one. oh, that's not the back seat. ok, that's not our car. fine, just bring me that. hey, deke. hey, honey. is all this stuff for the bridal shower? yes, and i still have to pick up the cake and the wine, and bring dad to the eye doctor by 11:00. i should have never agreed to throw this stupid party. well, carrie, you know what? if--if you want, i could take your father to the eye doctor. if it's something you might...appreciate. that's great, hon. thanks. it didn't land, did it? nope.

how do these figure into the bridal shower? give me that. thank you. look, dad, i have to run back out. doug's going to take you to the eye doctor, ok? i'll see you later. bye, hon. thanks. carrie! what? i might--i might take your father out for ice cream, too. yes! ok, great. bye. y-y-you know what? maybe we'll do dinner, and i'll take him to a show, just him and me. it'll inconvenience me, but i'm gonna do it! honey? we're gonna have some good times, you and me. louis armstrong: ♪ i see trees of green ♪ red roses, too ♪ i see them bloom ♪ for me and you ♪ and i think to myself

♪ what a wonderful world ♪ i see skies of blue ♪ and clouds of white ♪ the bright blessed day ♪ the dark sacred night ♪ and i think to myself ♪ what a wonderful world ♪ oh, yes for shopping that took half e the time. converse, skechers, nike, and more at famous footwear. victory is yours.

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[whispers] 2 bucks. [whispers] too rich for my blood. [whispers] i'm out, too. call. aces up. read 'em and weep. trip 3s.

[loudly] oh, man! [whispers] shut up! arthur will hear us. who cares? i care, ok. i haven't been able to shake the guy all week. he came with me to the dentist, motor vehicle bureau. he even came up with nicknames we're supposed to call each other. i'm "scooter," he's "beans." i'm going crazy! take it easy. you brought this on yourself. you know what i'm talkin' about. you hit the jackpot one night, and you got greedy. you tried to play god. i know! just drop it, all right? i just want to have one evening that doesn't include eating a baked apple and watching murder, she wrote. oh, did you see the one last night? i was so stumped. [rustling at the door] what's that? someone's at the door. that could be him. blow out the candles! nobody move. doug: god! oh, god! i feel like anne frank. [door opens] [greetings]

hey, scooter, what's going on? hey, arthur. tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. sorry. hey, beans. why are you playing cards in the dark? wow! what a difference that makes! that's better. all right, fellas, the game is called kick the dog. 3s, 6s, 9s, one-eyed jacks, suicide kings are wild. say what, arthur, why don't you just tell us what's not wild? that's fondle the mailman, and we're playing that next. i got 5 aces, and i don't even have an ace. no one drop out. in this game, mostly everyone winds up with 5 aces. ooh, it's almost 10:00. i should call mom, tell her i'm going to be late. you're gonna be very late. you're the only one who's winning. you live with your mother? yeah, it's a pain, but she doesn't drive, so... so what if she doesn't drive? the woman can't take a bus? no, no... theoretically yes, but she's... used to my car.

all right, let's bet. i go a quarter. who's in? a quarter, it is. yeah, up a quarter. ok, let me get this straight. if you live with your mother-- arthur, it's to you. i'm very curious. if you live with your mother, what do you do when you have a girl spend the night? ok, what do you do when you have a guy spend the night? it's got to be one or the other! a girl! it--it would be a girl! all right, who hasn't bet? look, for your information, i want to move out, but apartments are very expensive. as it is, we pay 750 for a one bedroom. a one bedroom? i say, who hasn't bet? so, uh, where do you sleep? arthur... the living room sofa pulls out, that it? you share a bedroom with your mother? twin beds! it's twin beds! there's an entire night table between us! easy, easy. i was just making conversation!

all right, who's not in? you know, i think i better be going. i have something in my eye. would you cash me in-- come on, spence-- cash me in, scooter! take it easy. i hope his eye's ok. well, this game is over. i'm outta here. yeah, me, too. you know, i haven't seen much of my wife this week. [door opens] want to go to a strip club? sure. ok, the game is called spank your sister. oh, what is this? [rhonda gasps] oh, my god, a wig! ok, how much do i love this? isn't it great? you know, you can use it to spice things up. i used to wear one all the time when i was a slut. ooh, yeah? here, here, open mine. oh, my god! how much do i love this?

what's up, hon? the poker game over already? it is now. your dad ruined it. what'd he do? he got on spence about his personal life. oh, the virgin thing? the living with his mother thing. i got to say, hon, they're not completely separate issues. god! what is he doing to me? why can't he just leave me alone? what are you talking about? you're the one who invited him to be your sidekick all week, taking him to the movies, and the petting zoo... it's your fault i did that. oh, my fault? how is it my fault? well...the first night, when i took him out just to be nice... you know, you were so... so? appreciative. appreciative? appreciative. oh...

so that's--because... what are you, a rottweiler? what do you want from me? you're so pathetic. not pathetic. weak. ok? there's a difference. i gotta say, hon, you might be both. you know what? so maybe i'm both, but i still don't deserve what's happened to me. all right, so just tell him to back off and give you some space. i can't. he likes me so much now, it would just kill him. you tell him. me? why should i kill him? you're his daughter. he's used to you causing him pain. [groans] ok, i will talk to him, with you. you understand, i am there to help. oh, i owe you. don't worry about it. oh, really, thank you. you know what? maybe later on, i'll take you, uh... upstairs and i'll... appreciate you. uh, you know what, hon? we're going to have to talk about that.

dad, can we talk to you for a minute? sure, sure. come on down. ah, nobody squeals like ned beatty. scoots, i'm glad you're here. i got 3 words for you-- working dude ranch. get back to me with some dates-- i cleared out august. right... uh, actually, dad, that's... that's kind of what we wanted to talk to you about. what? what do you mean? well, you've been spending a lot of time with doug lately. great time, by the way. lot of fun. and we were thinking, you know, maybe you could do some other things with your time. like what? i don't know. things that don't involve, uh... doug. w-what is this about? doug, what does she mean? i'm not quite sure.

where are you headed with this, honey? uh, listen to me, dad. doug doesn't want you to spend so much time with him. do you understand? oh, i know what this is. you're trying to drive a wedge between us. you're threatened by doug's love for me. nope, nope. not really. then i don't get it. you're the one who courted me. he's the one who courted me! why did you invite me everywhere if you didn't want me around? tell the man, doug. yeah, tell me. why? all right, the game is san diego scooby doo. 3 decks, we use all the jokers and instruction cards. so, richie... scooter says you're not the brightest bulb on the tree.

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every flavor is amazing. [monotone] she says, "switch to progressive and you could save hundreds." call or click today. time ago, but what with dad gone, and, uh, mom unable to drive, i pretty much have to live with her. i mean, what's the alternative, right? mm-hmm, mm-hmm. well, you could get your own place and she could use taxis and public transportation? i'm gonna go inside now. ok? captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

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