fat? oh, yeah, big girl. but i've seen other pictures of her, and she wasn't so... fat? yeah, she was slim like carrie when i first met her, but eventually she just got, you know. fat? hey! you're talking about my wife! sorry. sorry. ah, don't worry about it. actually, i didn't mind a bit. just so much more to love. then you must've adored her. you know, it's funny. all the women in that family start out thin and then just blow up. it must be the genes. hmm. honey. funny thing at the office today. somebody shoves a birthday card in front of me, says we're all signing it, it's for chris. so i'm thinking it's chris, the kid who runs the copy machine.

so i write, "happy birthday to the sexiest thing in the office," right? ha ha ha. turns out that it's for christine, the senior partner! so either i'm fired, or i got a new girlfriend. honey, what's the matter? nothing. well, you had a weird look on your face. i was just, uh, just thinking how... beautiful you are and... how happy i am with the life that we built together. whatever. [chuckles] hey, whoa! what are you doing? i thought i'd pick you up, carry you over to the bed. it's romantic. oh, ok. ha ha!

hey, you! it's romantic, huh? not yet. all right. there you go. oh...hey, that was great. i'm gonna go watch the news, ok? man, did you see what they did to the snack machine? you know g-11, the big cookie? now it's raisins, the yellow ones. what the hell is that about? hey, deac, let me ask you-- do you think carrie's gained weight? what? carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight? a couple pounds, maybe? i don't know. every time i see her, she's blocked by you. i know i'm fat, all right? that's a given. good, because i didn't want to have to break that to you. yeah, but you know what? i'm not gaining, ok? i've plateaued.

everything now is just maintenance. look, even if she has gained some weight, there's nothing you can do about it. sure there is. i can talk to her about it. actually, i'm gonna. let me ask you a question. would you say, basically, your life is good right now? yeah. good wife, good job, the whole thing? yeah. don't pick at it. carrie and i have a very open relationship. we talk about things. i think i can bring it up. oh, really? let me tell you a little story. last summer, i noticed that kelly had put on about 15 pounds. so i figured, like you, that i'd bring it up, all casual, like really supportive and everything. it's been 7 months, ok? and my life still isn't back to normal. she was so mad at me that she kept the 15 pounds and gained another 10, just as spite weight. you know what? i think carrie can take constructive criticism a little bit better than kelly. ok, fine.

then go with god. what happened to my coffeecake? what? you ate my cake? was that yours? well, i put it on my plate. i didn't think i had to label it. whatever. i'll just have a doughnut or something. hey! uh, you know what? don't scream. what? i was just thinking. you know what? you're right. i shouldn't have eaten that coffeecake, you know?

i'm, uh, so...fat, you know? i just--i really need to lose some weight. hey, i know! you know what? we should go on a diet together so i can take some of this off. we? yeah. yeah. i-- you know what? i feel bloated, you know, very disgusting right now, and i just really feel if we went on a diet that... it would really do the trick. uh-huh. and is there a reason you keep saying "we"? yeah. it's-- it's just like, whee! we're on a diet! what do you think, i'm an idiot? hmm? if you want me to lose weight, why don't you just come out and say it? ok, look, i know it's ridiculous for me to be bringing this up. i mean, look at me. i look like i'm in my 12th trimester here, but... honey, maybe it is possible that over the last couple of years you have gained a few tiny, tiny pounds.

it is so not a big deal, carrie. i mean... deacon's wife, whew! he said she gained, like, 15 pounds, so, by comparison, this is nothing. you talked to deacon about this? no. i would never do that. no. honey, i shouldn't have ever brought this up. i-i'm sorry. ah, it's--you're-- you're right. i... maybe i have put on a few pounds, but i will take it off. only if you're ok with it. i said i would. i will. ok. ok. well, great. great. hah. hey, baby, who's my best girl, huh? [door slams] you--you are.

[clears throat] hey, what do you got there? 3 ounces of poached haddock. ooh, nice. dining in style tonight, huh? greetings, one and all. sorry i'm late, but i was going through those boxes and found my old... little black book. sit down, dad. dinner's ready. ooh, lenore bickle. i should give that little hottie a call. i wonder if she's still at klondike 5-0197. maybe after dinner you can ask myrtle to patch you through. ah, dinner italiano. oompah. aren't you having anything, sweetheart? no. i'm on a diet.

ah. you kids with your dieting and your health. in my day, we dropped dead of a massive coronary in our mid-50s, and we liked it. it's fine, dad. i wanted to lose a little weight. honey, could you pass the "i can't believe it's not salad dressing"? thank you. all right, carrie, this is stupid. you don't need to lose weight. you're fine the way you are. no, no, no. i'm doing this. you know, here. let me give you some spaghetti. doug, please, would you just leave me alone? you know what? if you're going on a diet, then i'm going on a diet. hey! stop with the diet talk! it's crazy! actually, you could lose a few pounds. you know what? i intend to, ok? i'll tell you that right now. i'm gonna fix myself a nice plate right here. a good hunk of haddock... some veggies...

and i am golden. honey, was that enough for you? oh, yeah, plenty. i couldn't eat another drop. ah, sweet broccoli. honey, i gotta tell you, i am loving this celery. and unlike a chili dog, no mess in the bed. flannels? what happened to that little cute number you were wearing last night?

what are those on your p.j.s? ducks. you know, i've always been a little attracted to ducks. webbed feet... feathers... flying in a "v." what-what's the matter? oh, i guess i'm a little tired from being so fat. come on, carrie, i should have never brought this up. that stupid picture. what picture? when your dad was showing me the albums, there was this picture of your mother, and i-- oh, i get it. so because my mom gained a lot of weight, you're afraid i'm going to? no, not afraid. just... mildly aware. come on, doug, i really want to know. how would you feel if i did end up looking like my mother? i'd be fine with it.

doug. i can see your reflection in the window. what did you do? what did you do?! what? you told carrie what i said about my wife being overweight? what? i don't--i think you're wrong. i'm not wrong! they talk! damn it, what are you doing to me, huh? i was gonna make carrie feel better. i didn't think-- that's right, you didn't think. 7 months of work-- undone. i came home last night, and kelly was weeping and giving me the finger at the same time. never seen that before.

well, if it's any consolation to you, my life is hell, too. that does make me feel better. now i'm on a diet. carrie won't sleep with me. no sex. no food. if the cable goes out, i'm gonna have to kill myself. didn't i warn you not to pick at your life? hey, what's on that? but you couldn't listen, could you? no. "we talk. we communicate." look at you now. hey, dad. hello, darlin'. where were you? at the gym. nothing like jumping jacks and the old vibrating belt to get you in the pink, huh? right. look what i found in here. some pictures from your wedding. what year was that? uh...

'95. oh...that was a simpler time, wasn't it? oh, look at me in my wedding dress. i looked good, didn't i? breathtaking. well... those days are gone. what are you talking about? i'm just getting older and gaining weight, and before i know it, i'm just going to be big and fat and not attractive anymore. ha ha ha ha ha! you're crazy. and even if you do gain a little weight, believe me... men like that. no, they don't. oh, no? look at this. look at the women in here. full-figured and voluptuous. this is a men's magazine. this is what men like. va-voom. april 1951. honey?

lordy, lordy, lord. hello. what are you-- what are you doing? i just ate an entire yule log i was saving for christmas. now i'm even fatter. and we have no holiday dessert. oh, honey. you got out your wedding dress. you were right. i couldn't even zip it up. i'm just a big fat fatty. you just can't reach the zipper. here, let me. [zipper moving with difficulty] ok, inhale a little. [inhales] little more. [inhales more] [zip] there you go. i'm dizzy. you know what? so what? you know, who cares? you still look... great. no, i don't.

doug, the day i wore this dress 3 years ago... that's the best i'm ever gonna look. it's all downhill from here. it's not downhill! yes, it is! no, it's not! yes, it is! yes, it is! look, look. look. this is my mother's dress. one day, i'm gonna fill out this entire thing! you know what? give me the dress. what? give me-- give me the dress. what are you doing? i'm--i'm-- i'm gonna put on your mother's dress. why? why? because it'll be way too small for me, which means that even if you do get to be as big as her, i'll still be bigger, which means you'll always, always be... my skinny wife. it fits! actually, it needs to be taken in a little. carrie, just... i'm begging you to let go of this. i want you to stop feeling bad. i want us to laugh.

i want us to have sex. for the sweet love of god, i want a sandwich. listen to me. i think you're beautiful. you'll always, always be beautiful. yeah, right. yes, right. but what if i do get fat? just...come in under a metric ton. or sag? hey, sagging's great. what if i get stretch marks and... retain water? i love water. look at you in this thing. you're likin' this, aren't you? you know what's scarin' me? somethin' feels right. douglas... a little advice-- wear a slip with that.

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that's powerful. what a night, huh? some chinese food... followed by some good deli... followed by some good lovin' with the most beautiful girl i know. oh, honey, that's sweet. so the lovin' part-- was my performance to my lady's likin'? yeah. what was that pause? captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

good night.

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♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ laugh and cry ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ okay, i'm off. well, we knew this day would come. good luck wherever you wind up. take care, buddy. call if you want. if not, take care of yourself. i'm just going away for a few days. oh. oh, okay. yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? it would be that easy for you? what? you thought i was leaving forever and you just said, "good luck"? what the hell was that? brian, take it easy. you're not leaving forever. you're just leaving for a few days. what do you want, a parade? you know what? never mind. look, brian, face it, you're a dog. the fact that your last name is griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality. yeah, and someday, when you're ready,

you're gonna walk off into the woods and die. and we're prepared for that. yeah, so there's this seminar in new haven on creating your own web-based internet series. sounds like it could be right up my alley. is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name? feel good about that? feel good about what you just said? you gonna go, brian, or should i get the can of pennies? (pennies rattle, brian gasping) guys, i got some great news! my dad's coming to visit. oh-ho! hide the women! so, we're finally gonna get to meet the man of a thousand chicks. that's right. you think i've been with a lot of broads. my dad's had more pie than kirstie alley. (laughing) what?! anyway, the navy is honoring him at this year's naval ball for all his bravery in vietnam. wow, you must be proud. sure am. he was like a hero to me when i was growing up. you know who was my hero? aquaman... and his secret alter ego, arthur curry.

wow, you saved our lives, aquaman! just doing my job. arthur curry! did you see aquaman? he was just here! oh, darn, i must've missed him. we forgot to tell him thanks. oh, i have a feeling he already knows. (doorbell rings) hey, guys. come on in. dad, they're here! at ease, ladies. hey, glenn, you're not gonna give your dad an entrance? oh, yeah, yeah, i forgot. guys, watch this. ("these boots were made for walking" plays) ♪ are you ready, boots? ♪ start walking! ha! that's my dad! no one dances like lieutenant commander dan quagmire. dad, this is joe and peter. joe and peter! which one are you? peter, sir. look at you. you're a chowhound, aren't ya, pete?

don't want to get behind you in the mess hall, huh? no, sir. no, you don't, sir. i'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best i can do. i'll take it. and a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend. sir, you gotta tell them about the time you had to eject from your plane behind enemy lines. and i will, but first, it's been a long trip. this sailor needs a cosmo. a cosmo? hey, it's got to be 5:00 somewhere, right? (laughs) (chuckles) okay, fine. i'll make you one; you tell a story. he can be such a nudge. so, anyhoo, i remember that day like it was yesterday. i'd gotten a haircut earlier that day, the first one i ever got over there that looked like anything. so all of a sudden, we get these orders. and, of course, it's the day of all days i have to put on a helmet. i remember the sky was a majestic orange. (text alert tone) the breeze was just warm enough that you could wear short sleeves, but you know, not so warm (text alert tone) that you break any kind of a sweat. because let me tell you, i do hate to perspire. so anyway i just bit the bullet and put on my helmet... oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct. but, uh, yeah, he's super gay.