and that's why you can't borrow it for this. [with radio] ♪ r-e-s-p-e-c-t ♪ find out what we're gonna be ♪ ♪ r-e-s-b-b-b-b, everybody's in my tree ♪ radio: ♪ sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me ♪ ♪ sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me ♪ ♪ just a little bit ♪ a little respect ♪ just a little bit ♪ talking 'bout ♪ just a little bit ♪ keep on tryin' ♪ just a little bit [car honking] [cars honk] give us a break, will ya? we only got one good hip between us! lift with your legs. oh, don't tell me how to lift. [cars honking] [cars honk] well, it seems as though fate took a hand, huh? ya. it would've been simpler if you agreed

to move my armoire in the first place, but it's a good lesson for next time. cookie? don't mind if i do. mickey, i told you to stop opening packages. oh, did you? this hearing aid is crap. i heard "stop making sausages." and why would i say that? c.b.: heffernan! what the hell is going on? i'm getting calls left and right from customers waiting for drop-offs. what's that? that howard stern fella? it's howard stern. he's talking directly to me. i'm sorry supervisor o'boyle, see, i got caught up in a little unexpected delay. o'boyle: delay? yeah, the thing is i--i-- i-i-i-i don't give a flying crap. just unplug your head from your butt and get the route done. absolutely, sir. i'm gonna be-- arthur! how dare you talk to that man like that. arthur... who is this? this is your worst nightmare, friend. i was in the u.s. army, 33rd brigade, and i'm telling you to step off. yeah? well, i was in the 42nd brigade. 42nd, huh?

pretty tough bunch. you're on your own here. oh, what a wuss. shut up, old man. oh, you are home. what are you doing in here? 'cause i can't go in that house. if i'm in the same building with him, i'll--i'll do something. something unholy involving him and that armoire. doug, just relax. what happened with your boss today? he reamed me out in front of the entire office and then he assigned me to package-sorting duty for a week. package sorting. he might as well have thrown a wig on me and called me sally. all right, doug, listen, i will go downstairs, and i will talk to my dad. i'll just tell him he's gotta-- gotta what? what? what? stop being a lunatic? i will start there, yes. listen, honey, i'm gonna ask you a question here, and i don't want you to take this the wrong way. does anyone else know he's here? stop. come on, it just seems worse than it is because it's like 100 degrees in here and you've been breathing in a lot of paint thinner. now, let's just go inside

and take a nice cool shower. keep talking. i'll let you video tape it. sorry, darling, i didn't realize you were home. hi, daddy. heard you and doug had a little adventure today. indeed we did. and on that note, douglas, there's something that needs to be said. i'm listening. you put a nasty little nick in my armoire. that's what needs to be said? ok, you know what? why don't you come inside, dad? i'll make you a nice baked apple. come on. i realize you were distracted by your boss' hurtful comments about your weight, but you might be a little bit more careful in the future. your customers may not be as forgiving as i am. baked apple right this way. arthur, do you understand at all that you almost got me canned? you know, it's bad enough that you trounce all over my home, do you have to trounce on my job, too? that's too much trouncing. oh, you think this living arrangement is easy for me?

you think i like walking around here on eggshells? eggshells? is that what we've been getting here for the past year? eggshells? you on eggshells? well, thank you for holding back! all right, enough, the both of you. now, let's all just go inside, i will make you a baked apple, i will take a shower-- reverse that. let's just all go inside. douglas, obviously my living here is very unpleasant for you. perhaps i should make some other arrangements. dad, stop it. no, no, no, no. i'm interested. go on. where would you go? where would you go? come on, come on. where would you go? i have options. options? oh, so there are several mental institutions wooing you? so, i'm just a crazy old man who can't hack it on my own, is that what you think? yes. that's not stopping. well, let me tell you something, douglas. i've been on my own since i was 17. i could take care of myself then, and i can take care of myself now. where'd that door go? it's over here, dad.

fine. i'm gonna get my things. i'll be staying at mickey's until i can find a more permanent situation! god. doug, was that really necessary? what are you talking about? why did you have to provoke him? oh, yeah, i'm the bad guy here, huh? he gets to do whatever he wants. i say one little comment about how he should be in a mental institution, and i'm the big provoker. yes. doug, come on, you know him, you know the way he is. he's like a 75-year old, 2-year old. you can't let him pull you in. you just gotta nod and smile and hang his drawings up on the refrigerator. have you seen his drawings, by the way? scary stuff. come on, sweetie, could you just go downstairs and say you're sorry? no. doug... carrie, no, i'm tired of it, all right? that basement was my tv room, my fort, ya know? and i gave it up to him 'cause he didn't have a place to live. and if he can't appreciate that, well, you know what? let him move out. doug, what do you want me to say? that he's crazy?

that he makes you crazy? that he's a strain on our marriage? i admit all of that. now, go beg him to stay. all right, that's it. i've taken only what i came here with and some hand towels. arthur? yes? look, i'm sorry. i like having you here, and we want you to stay. oh, i see dr. jekyll has returned. frankly, douglas, your mood swings are frightening. aaaagh! case in point. good-bye. i'll send for my armoire. ♪ le freak, c'est chic ♪ freak out ♪ aw ♪

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cannonbox! [splash!] ahh... that's nice. sweet. coming back to papa.

oh, yeah, feels good. sussy. bring it, baby. uh, guys, why is the fan stopping short of me? 'cause we angled it that way. that's--that's not fair. hey, there's only enough oscillation for 3 guys. just have another popsicle. i've had 6. you know, y'all keep treating me this way, i can very well leave the group. i'm not kidding. there are some guys at work that have shown some serious interest in me. i'm gonna let that sink in... while i get another popsicle. [telephone rings] hello? oh, hi, arthur. no, carrie's not here. it's just me and the guys. fine. hold on. he says he wants to talk to anyone whose name doesn't rhyme with "uglas."

i'll take it. hello? hang on. he wants me to ask you how you doing? i'm fine. he's fine. he says, "i don't care. ha ha ha." is that it? oh, yeah? oh, good for you. yeah, sure. take it easy. what? he moved into his own apartment yesterday. are you kidding me? no. he's having a housewarming party tomorrow and carrie's invited, plus a guest. i can't believe it. he's actually doing this. we figured he'd be back here in a couple days, but he actually moved out. he's really gone. oh, i owe you one, big guy. all right, careful. careful... my finger's getting crushed. hey. it's just a finger, ok? this is an entire entertainment system, so suck it up.

can we get some room over here? you're not even holding any of it. i'm guiding it. hey. you ladies wanna settle that, huh? spence's nose is starting to bleed. thank you. doug? hi, honey. hi, carr. my finger. what's going on? why are you moving the tv back downstairs? oh, get ready for some great news. your dad found his own apartment. what? yeah, he called about 1/2 hour ago. boy, the old fella sure showed us a thing or two, huh? ok, next 2 steps, let's go. wait a minute. what? i don't know what stupid thing my father's up to, but he can't live on his own. you said that yourself. yeah, but i was wrong. give the guy some credit. ok, this is wreaking havoc with my one descended testicle here. god, he's probably sitting in a tiny room all by himself, with roaches, cooking on a hot plate, listening to his crappy little radio... hey, it's a nice radio, hon. how could i even let him leave? i'm his daughter.

i'm supposed to be taking care of him. come on, honey, he's gonna be fine. i love you. what are we doing here? up or down? i don't know. deac, go see what she's doing in the kitchen, huh? ohh! how you doing? she's sitting at the table. and? crying. but not hard. back up, back up. honey, it's a housewarming. i still say we should've brought something. if not a plant, at least a pie. doug, we are not going for a housewarming. we are going there to tell him, without fighting, that he can't live like this and he has to come home. fine. i can't see how a pie would hurt. welcome. hey, arthur.

so, darling, what do you think? dad, i want you to come home. you can't live like this. honey, come on, there's an omelet bar. i gotta tell you... the man throws a great party. i had no idea he could play the piano like that. mm-hmm. come on, honey, cheer up. this is a great situation for him. he was living in a basement, now he's got a deluxe apartment in the sky. i don't understand why you're not happy for him. i am. i just-- i feel guilty. about what? he was with us for a year, and i had a real chance to get closer to him and i didn't. i just blew him off. no. doug, there are some days that all i said to him was, "good morning." and not even a full "good morning." it was more like a "g'morning."

i couldn't even give him the "ood." do you know that there was on day last week that i actually hid from him? hey, who hasn't? now, come on, this is good, right? i mean, we got our life back. oh, i know. that's good, i guess. hey, i know what'll put a smile on your face. how about i go splash those people at that bus stop? well, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna have to speed up. well, i'm out of here. i gotta go back to the fire house. yeah, i gotta roll, too, man. oh, uh, one of you give me a ride? yeah, sure, you can hop in the trunk. remember friday night, mets-braves, right here, ok? oh, hey, and we're breaking in the george foreman healthy grill, so bring your chopped meat.

douglas? hey, arthur. what brings you by? in my haste to pack, i inadvertently took a 3-pronged adapter. i believe this is yours. we were worried. thank you. hey, can i get you a beer? sure. that's what the air bags are for. by the way, i'm glad you could make it over to my soiree the other night. well, thanks for the invite. i had a great time. you really knocked 'em dead with the charades. of course, you lucked out with the "jake and the fatman." yeah, i really caught a break, huh? yeah. [sighs] the old room. this really takes me back. so, how are you and carrie doing since i left? great. we're doing fine. you sure? 'cause sometimes someone moves out, and everything gets out of whack. [chuckles] trust me, everything's in whack. good.

'cause if my leaving caused any problems, i'd move right back in. [laughs] hey, you'd have to kill me first. [laughs] ah, no, seriously, arthur, i'm, you know, i'm really happy for you. you found your own apartment and, uh, i hope you enjoy it. speaking of the apartment, any chance you could lend me $1,700 a month indefinitely? what? i may have over-leveraged myself a bit in getting that place. what are you saying? you can't afford it? not at the present time, no. although, i have an idea for something that could make millions, if a lot of left-handed people are willing to give me a weekend of their time. what is wrong with you? why do you take a place that you can't pay for? i wanted to prove that you were wrong. that i could live on my own. but you couldn't. only because i didn't have the money. well, that's a big part of the "living on your own" package.

fair enough. now that we agree on that, let's talk about my moving back in. when will your truck be available? douglas? so, you want to move back in, huh? that would be real convenient for you, wouldn't it? you leave for a few days, you bounce around the outside world for a while like that bird who's cuckoo for cocoa puffs, and then you just waltz back in. well, you know what, arthur? take my basement back. it's yours. you know what? fine, take it. and while you're at it, why don't you take the tv, too? and--and the foosball table, and, uh, hey, the couch. it yours. it's all yours. hey, take my mustard stained jets blanket, huh? oh, and--and my baseball encyclopedia, oh, and my x-rated video with the label, "bad news bears go to japan" so carrie won't notice it. take it all, arthur. hey, what else can i get for you?

hey, do you want the flooring? 'cause i could rip up the carpet. come on, what else can i give you? how 'bout my kidneys? come on, i have 2. what the hell, take 'em both, arthur! god, why should i have anything, right? all i do is go to work every day and pay my mortgage on time. and when it's not on time, it's certainly within the grace period! but i guess that means nothing. nothing! and you know what? that's fine. i'll just be a guy going through life with no basement and no kidneys!! captioning made possible by sony pictures television

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♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ laugh and cry ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪

(doorbell ringing) oh, hi, bonnie. what's up? hi, lois, um, i hate to bother you, but i'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital. was hoping that while i was gone, you could look in on susie and joe. and go have sex with quagmire. quagmire! quagmire! aw, shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. giggity-giggity-giggity! (squeaking) well, of course, bonnie. i'd love to help. meg, sweetie? yeah, mom? bonnie wants you to look after susie and joe while she's out of town. what?! why me?! i don't want to have to do that. and bonnie saidare veare very p. but i... how did that come up? oh, y-you know... we were talking about pretty people. and-- and i said rachel maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said meg griffin. who's rachel maddow?

a model. oh. yeah. okay, i'll do it. (laughing) whoops. oh, hey, uh, excuse me, fella? yeah, what do you want, shrimp? oh, just a few moments of your time. hang on. let me just get this little guy assembled. ♪ doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doodie, doo. ♪ so where you from? newburyport. what's it to you? oh, i'm just always interested in where people are from. everybody's got a story, that's what i believe. all right, i think we're all set here. (laughing) wow. never seen that happen before. what the devil happened here? i've assembled that rifle a million times. well, i don't know if it's just the rifle. what are you talking about? i think you're going soft. i mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "damn you"? hey, i got a lot on my plate, man. i'm learning to use the toilet, i'm learning what shapes are.

i-i spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday. yeah, you're losing it, man. you're losing your edge. well, i don't care for your tone and i'd say you deserve a good kick in the... (laughing) oh, look! oh, brian, look at them! joe: come in. drop it, creep-o! don't move, catherine deneuve! freezerino, paul sorvino! what are you doing, mr. swanson? i'm tryin' out some cop entrances. oh, well, i'm here to help you out while bonnie's gone. oh, great. uh, do you have any experience helping out people with special needs? well, i did work for that old lady down the street. meg, could you come here, please? what is it? could you see if i'm getting a bed sore on my back? sure. it looks fine to me, ma'am. thank you, dear. i must have just slept on it wrong. (laughing)

i stole meg's cutaway. (whooshing) what the hell is going on in here? well, brian, i thought about what you said at the park, and i've decided you're right. i have gone soft. i've lost my sadistic streak. so i've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side. all right, shall we take this thing for a spin? now, when i say so, hit that button. okay, hit it. (electronic whirring) (whirring grows louder) (whooshing) well, how do you feel? i don't know. i don't feel any different. well, why don't you try insulting me? yeah, okay. um, sometimes you chase helicopters. that's kind of lame. yeah. um... besides, i do that to protect the house.