♪ i'm watching you. ♪ you're knocking me out tonight. ♪ ♪ tonight. ♪ oooooooo. ♪ >> um, miss cora, are you sure you want to put all that candy in there? >> what are you trying to say? just because reggie and i aren't skinny like everybody else, we can't enjoy valentine candy? >> uh, you're putting reggie's candy in will's bag. >> oh. just never mind none of that i said. >> i don't see the big deal with valentine's day anyway. >> here, brianna. >> [ gasp ] oh, for me? thank you so much! i knew somebody would give me something.

thank you, joaquin. >> uh, not. make sure simone gets this. >> fine. i mean, who wants flowers and cheesy cards anyway? >> girls who have boyfriends? >> brianna, i thought you didn't care about valentine's day. >> i lied. >> cheer up, brianna. you'll always have groundhog day, and you can be lonely over and over and over -- >> joaquin! >> [ scoffs ] [ giggles ] that was good, joaquin. that was good. [ laughing ] >> yes, that's perfect. [ gasps ] okay. cora, i did it! [ laughs ] >> that's great! that's great! that's great! you did what? >> oh, renee and i are gonna take the guys to a hawks game in a limo. hey. >> oh, will and anthony are gonna be excited about this. >> i know! >> who asked you to -- >> ooh. i can call simone, and we can make it a triple date. >> ohh. >> okay, so, you got it like

that, huh? >> yeah. she's my future boo. >> [ laughs ] >> "how do i love thee? let me count the ways. one...two..." and we did that three times. [ chuckles ] "five." [ cellphone ringing ] hey. yeah, um, look, i'm glad nobody's around. um, i've been wanting to tell you something. >> who, me? >> yes, i'm looking at you. look, i'm just -- i don't know how to say it. i'm just gonna say it. >> just come right out and say it. >> i think i love you. and i hope you feel the same way about me. >> [ whimpering ] get --

>> what? >> you got to help me with something. >> okay, how many times i have to tell you? the blue button is for cold water and the red button is for hot. >> no! i think renee got it bad. >> mnh-mnh. she didn't get it from me. >> no, she told me the three words. >> what? "get away, brown!"? >> no, "i love you." >> oh, mr. brown, i didn't know you felt that way. >> get -- no. move. no, not that. she told me she loved me. it's written all over her face. look. see? oh, lord. see? i'm trying to tell you, i can't deal with this. i'm too old to be a sugar granddaddy. i -- what do we do? >> oh! yeah! you know, i think you're right. >> why didn't i see this coming? i knew she got it bad. first, it's them stares in the air like this at me. then, them late-night phone calls. "what you doing?" "i ain't doing nothing. what you doing?" then, she gonna have her kids

calling me "daddy." >> yeah, and then renee gonna start calling you daddy, too. >> no, i can't do that. i'm too old. >> come on. let's go take a look. >> and that -- her baby -- one baby is kind of crazy. >> oh, wait a minute. she's looking at you again. >> no, don't -- don't look at me. >> you got to look at her, man. >> no, i don't want to. >> look at her. >> no. >> look up at her right there. >> unh-unh. lord, that girl is sprung on me. she -- she trying to get me to do one of them french-kiss things. i can't kiss french. i'm american. >> come on, man. >> look, i'm right, man. you're just too stubborn to see it. god, you stubborn. you're bull-headed, man. >> see, that's why brothers can't get along. >> no, that's why we can't get along! >> you know what? ask joaquin. hey. >> what? >> ask him. >> ask me what? >> who's faster -- superman or the flash? >> don't lie. >> is this seriously what grown

men talk about when their women aren't around? >> please. we do other stuff. >> like what? >> like, uh, um... give each other edge ups. >> yes. >> that's fresh. >> so, this is what i have to look forward to? >> uh, nah, little dude. ain't no edging that up. >> what is that -- bangs? [ laughs ] [ indistinct conversation ] >> hey! [ clanking ] >> hey. >> so, what you been doing? >> whoo. working. >> don't answer that. keep your dignity. >> aw, look, it's 2 1/2 men. >> bri. >> it's okay. the lonely ones always lash out. >> you're just gonna let him get away with that? >> uh... hey, joaquin, stop saying... truthful things about your sister that make her feel bad. >> what?! >> yeah, i was just joking. >> why couldn't i have been adopted by a normal family? >> sorry, bri, but this crazy

family saw you first. >> [ laughs ] hey, can you take this? >> oh. >> i'm going to hang out with reggie and his mom. miss thelma wants to go see her first husband. >> oh, that should be fun. >> well, not really. reggie said she wants to go dance on his grave. see you later. bye, guys! >> uh, babe? >> what? >> what do, uh, what do you and renee have planned for us? >> nothing special. [ chuckles ] [ door closes ] >> see? i told you. nothing. >> maybe that boycott's a good idea. >> sorry to interrupt your little rebellion, but you guys are making a big mistake. >> what you mean, joaquin? >> i have information that can could valentine's day forever. >> well, speak on it. >> are you serious? hold up. you expect us to pay you? we are grown men. okay? can you believe this? >> i don't pay kids. >> [ chuckles ] >> no. >> oh, well. >> hold up. you got -- you got

change for a $20? >> you got change? >> i'll get that back to you. renee and sasha got you guys hawks tickets and a limo. >> they did?! [ laughing ] >> yeah, they wanted to surprise you. >> i'm surprised. >> i'm really happy. >> hey, baby? don't you guys make any plans for tomorrow night, okay? >> okay. [ giggles ] >> and by the way, losers, superman would win easily. >> oh, i hate him. >> thank you! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] kleenex tissues help stop moisture better than the leading competitor. save yourself from an awkward situation.

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[ telephone rings ] >> nurses' station. happy valentine's day. oh, no. sorry. we don't fix broken hearts. oh, a broken leg. sorry. i'll transfer. [ cellphone ringing ] oh. hi. this is renee. what? i owe what? oh, hell, no. i don't owe that. unh-unh. >> derek, there she is. there she is. what am i gonna do? >> look -- >> being this irresistible has always been my cross to bear. >> look, just talk to her. okay, but you're a real charmer. >> i am? >> yeah, so don't look her in the eye. >> i mean, how should i -- >> keep your back to her, you know? >> should i go gangster or should i just -- >> be sensitive, okay? >> sensitive. >> and then you tell her that you're old enough to be her great-great-great-grandfather. then, she'll puke in her mouth and then she'll be fine. >> i'm gonna see if you can still tell that same joke while you in the unemployment line.

don't come talk -- okay, pray my strength. i'm about to go in and talk to her. >> all right, macaroni tony. [ slap ] >> [ clears throat ] look here, renee, we got to talk about this. >> mm-hmm. >> now, i know i'm a hunk of chocolate love, but this ain't gonna work. >> you can't talk to me like that. >> wait a minute, now. i know this is a hard pill to swallow, but look here, you -- i come from a different world and you just looking for somebody to give you a good time. >> i don't want to talk about this at work. >> okay, well, where you want to talk about it at? >> okay, you know what? you can go to hell. >> okay, you not gonna talk to me like this. i'm not trying to look -- eye contact, but you not gonna just talk to me. >> [ chuckling ] oh, okay. so, now there's no interest. >> [ scoffs ] you ain't no marilyn mccoo or nothing, but you okay. now, don't get twisted. >> oh, okay, okay. don't let me find you on the street. don't let me find you on the street. >> okay, look here, renee. we -- we -- we got to work together. >> okay. >> you ain't -- >> would you get out of here? >> okay, renee, i'm trying to tell you -- >> get away! >> i'm trying to talk about our relationship.

well, that didn't go too well. >> yeah, i heard. we all did. [ laughter ] >> okay, i don't care what y'all think. i ain't no player. and i don't crush a lot. derek, i think she trying to hurt me. you know what? you know they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorched. derek, you got to go talk to her so she won't get her brothers and her cousins. you know they done killed somebody. >> wait. what if she kills me? >> duh. you'll just be dead. you won't know nothing about it. go ahead. >> whew. hey, um, you know where you take a nap every day? bobby the patient -- his bedpan overflowed and spilled everywhere. >> where i sleep? >> mm-hmm. >> where i put my head? >> yeah. >> i'm gonna kill him. i'm killing him! >> was she talking about me? >> she gonna get you, man. >> why's she trying to kill me? >> it's over for you. >> i'm too young to die. i got so much love to give.

>> well, run! run! run! >> oh, good. >> ha ha! >> what'd you find? >> man, you know the stores are all picked over, but we got lucky and we found these. >> ah! ha ha ha! that's right. cards. good idea. women love valentine's day cards. uh, "happy birthday... you fish-eyed fool?" this one's in spanish. okay, but that's cool. you can read spanish. what's that say, joaquin? >> "happy birthday... you fish-eyed fool." >> that was all i could find. >> [ sighs ] okay. i guess it's plan "b." the personal touch. bam! what's that, huh? check it out. >> a butt. >> an old butt. >> no, man, that's a heart. >> where's my stuff? >> what did you make?

>> i made renee's face out of macaroni. >> what? >> yeah, man. this is nice! ohh! >> according to my kindergarten teacher, it sticks better if you use glue. >> thank you. >> [ sighs ] what we gonna do now? did you guys at least find some candy? >> [ gasp ] oh, i got a half a box of red hots in the car, man! >> mnh-mnh. okay, so, what did you plan on doing for renee before our boycott? >> a full box of red hots? >> ah, finally got you. >> renee, you ain't got to kill me over this! this ain't worth it! >> look, don't even try to beg now. no, i'm gonna take it and i'm gonna cut it up in little pieces and i'm mailing it back to you. >> no, renee, no! what have i done to you?! i ain't did nothing like this! [ sobs ] >> let me call you back. >> please! please! >> what are you doing? >> renee, look here.

i want to be your man. yes, i do. ooh-ooh. >> have you been disinfecting the bathrooms with the windows closed again? >> no. well, yes, but that ain't got nothing to do with you trying to snuff me out. >> ain't nobody trying to snuff you out. >> i heard you saying, "okay, i'm gonna cut you and then we gonna do..." >> yeah. i was talking about this. >> okay, what about, you was talking on that thing -- >> a bill collector. >> okay. okay, well, do -- do this mean you ain't in love with me? >> i'm sorry, i just threw up in my mouth and swallowed it. um...ew. let me just put it to you this way. look at you. look at me. i mean, look at you and look at me. look at -- i mean, unh-unh. >> you ain't got to be so ugly about it. >> where would you get a dumb, stupid, idiotic, so unrealistic

idea like that? >> hey! how are my kissing co-workers? ugh. "i can't french, 'cause i'm american." ugh! >> here you go. >> derek, come here. let me say something to you right quick. come here. >> [ sighs ] >> okay, well, did anthony even call? >> not yet, and he's the one that wanted to meet early, so... >> huh. >> i don't know. the game doesn't even start for another few hours. >> okay, well, that's weird, because will said the same thing. huh. you know what? he should be ready by now. will! will, are you almost ready? [ doorbell rings ] >> oh, anthony. [ laughs ] >> ohh. >> it's just rent-a-kid. you coming in? >> i have a message. "for the two most beautiful women in the world from the two luckiest guys in the world." >> okay, brianna, what's this about? >> you'll have to read it to find out.

or you can tip me. >> oh, i got a tip for you. don't mix brown liquor and marshmallows. how about that? >> ladies... >> yeah. >> your keys to happiness await. >> okay, bianca. >> [ giggles ] this is gonna be great. >> [ whispering indistinctly ] >> oh, my god. >> come on, that's your cue. come on, that's your cue. >> [ sighs ] the plane, the plane. >> oh. >> what's the second part? >> welcome to fantasy island. is that good? >> yeah, that's good. >> good evening, ladies. >> your valentine's evening awaits. >> i'll get the jello and the speaker wire. >> [ laughs ] >> let's get busy. >> baby, this is so perfect. [ laughs ] >> well, sweetheart, you always said you wanted to go to hawaii. >> i did. >> so since i couldn't take you to hawaii, i brought hawaii to us. >> aww.

>> and, renee, since we ain't never been nowhere or done nothing, enjoy. >> [ laughs ] >> this is so perfect. [ giggles ] how did you guys come up with this? >> it was my idea. >> uh, actually, brianna is the mastermind behind it all. >> oh, brianna, that's so sweet. >> oh, thank you, danica. >> [ chuckles ] yeah, i got tired of feeling sorry for myself on valentine's day, and so i decided to do something for someone else, and it feels pretty good. >> brianna, what are you talking about? we paid you. >> [ laughs ] >> and that makes it better. >> so, i say we eat, and then we change clothes and get ready for that limo that's gonna take us to the... >> ♪ game! ha ha! >> and how do you know about the limo and the... ♪ game? >> i have to live through you guys until i'm old enough to have my own life. >> hey, brianna, this is for you. >> no. >> yes. >> really?

>> it has your name on it. >> really?! >> yes. >> oh! >> [ whispering indistinctly ] >> "happy valentine's day to the best sister in the world." >> aww. >> "lonely girls need love, too." >> i couldn't have said it better myself. [ laughs ] >> i got your lonely girl, joaquin. come here. >> okay, so, back to the lime jello and the speaker wire. >> oh, yeah. >> we sharing the same limo. >> we don't have to do it in the limo. >> y'all need to step your game up. lime is everything.

>> come here. come here. come here. i told you! i told you i wasn't gonna let you get away! mm! >> is, uh, that supposed to scare me? [ scoffs ] hello? >> oh, well. >> how stupid do you think i am? >> real stupid. you got us. >> yep, you got us. come on, brown. >> i knew you were gonna try and get me back, but i thought it was gonna be better than that. >> you better than us. we're bad. you're good. >> we're whack. you are [ scoffs ] you the man. >> hey -- hey, guys. guys! i'm stuck in this chair!

okay, it's not funny! i have to go to the bathroom! i'll kill you!

>> "miranda, you're my one and only. because of you, i'm never

lonely. i'm so glad that we're together." i'm so glad that we're together, uh -- "and i want to be with you for-- for-- for-- for--" ah. ah. "for--" hmm! >> hey, come on, son. let's get something to eat before c.j. get here with the tuxes. >> pops, i'm -- i'm too nervous to eat. not -- not now. >> well, you're too broke to get married. that's not stopping you. >> look, pops, not now. i'm -- i'm trying to concentrate here. >> concentrate on what? what you doing? huh -- calvin, why you wait till your wedding day to write your vows? >> pops, with everything going on, i haven't had time, and i would be finished by now if i wouldn't get stuck on the word "fore--" "for--"

[gulps] "for--" "fore--" ugh, i-- i can't say it. i can't say it, pop. >> say what--"forever"? >> uh, yes, yes, yes, that, and every time i hear it, i start getting nauseous and -- and i-i feel sick. >> calvin, why the hell are you getting married? >> i-i love miranda, and i want to spend the rest of my life with her. >> okay, so what you're saying is you love her and you want to be with her -- forever! >> yes, yes. look, pops, just stop saying the word. >> forever! >> no, pop-- >> forever! forever! forever! forever! >> i'm going to throw up. i'm going to throw up. >> you better not throw up. calvin, look, if you love miranda and you want to be with her for -- for a really long time, why can't you say it? >> i don't know. i-i just can't. pops, help me. >> this is ridiculous. okay, all right, i got it.

i got it. okay. um -- "love you, and i want to be with you...until death." >> i-i could dig this. >> hmm. >> yeah, i could dig this. thank you, pop! >> idiot. >> ow. >> now finish it. >> i'm ready to get dressed. all right, where's dad with the tuxes? man, he is taking forever. >> "forever." >> what did i say? >> the "f" word. [ male announcer ] pepcid® presents: the burns family bbq. guys, you took tums® a couple hours ago. why keep taking it if you know your heartburn keeps coming back? that's how it works. you take some tums®. if heartburn comes back, you take some more. that doesn't make any sense. it makes plenty of sense if you don't think about it! really, honey, why can't you just deal with it like everybody else?

because i took a pepcid®. fine. debbie, you're my new favorite. [ male announcer ] break with tradition, take pepcid® complete. it works fast and lasts. get relief from your heartburn relief with pepcid® complete. >> ah! hmm. isn't this the life? >> yes, dear, it is. [ chuckling ] >> yeah. i could get used to this. >> i just love being pampered. don't you, miranda? >> sweetheart, what's wrong? >> oh, mommy! all of the stress from this wedding is making my face break

out -- look at this big zit! oh! >> let me see, come on. let me see, let me see. baby, there is nothing there. >> mommy, yes, it is right here! >> ahem. ella, do you see anything? >> look, look, look. it's right there, it's right there, it's right there. >> miranda, i don't see anything either, baby. >> miranda, turn around, sweetie, let me see. >> look! >> uh, you know what, baby? i think you're hallucinating. there's no pimple there. >> ok, well, wait, wait, wait, wait. i am not hallucinating! there is a zit, and it is right here and i see it. >> okay. >> oh! >> you -- you know what? miranda, i think you need to cut back on the caffeine. >> yep. [ telephone rings ] >> oh, excuse me. hello? >> claretha? when are you going to finish my makeup? >> oh, ella, i'm going to get right on you as soon as i finish the mother of the bride and the matron of honor. oh, and the ushers and the caterer and the bridesmaids and -- >> claretha, forget it. >> oh. >> just forget it. >> oh, okay. where is your sister, anyway?

>> oh. that was your father. there was an emergency delivery at the hotel. >> what? >> the housekeeper went into labor. >> but what if he doesn't get here in time? oh! oh. wait, wait. but -- who's going to walk me down the aisle? who is going to be my matron of honor? >> miranda, i need you to calm down before you send me into labor, okay? [ miranda sighs ] >> this is-- >> hey, relax! your father is not going to miss your wedding, okay? >> yeah. just take a deep breath and think of happy thoughts, and that always calms me down. >> okay. >> okay, everybody, inhale. [ all inhale deeply ] and blow it out -- exhale. [ all exhale deeply ] and inhale. [ all inhale ] and think happy thoughts. [ all exhale deeply ] >> happy thoughts, happy thoughts. >> ready, ready? uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. [ miranda chuckles ] uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh! what was -- what was that thought? >> do you think that calvin is as nervous as i am? >> uh, no. what? cousin calvin said [laughs]

ahem -- "players don't get nervous." [ chuckles ] >> wow. >> i can't breathe. i can't breathe. i can't breathe. what if i -- what if i don't finish writing my vows in time? i mean, miranda's going to think i don't love her. >> come on, cousin calvin. man up! okay? thought you were a player. but if getting married gets you down like this, i'm staying single. >> huh -- like you really have a choice. >> i do, and i'm not getting married, but i will have a lot of ladies. >> okay, ladies. you've taken the tour. that was my bedroom and -- complete with the hot tub big enough for three. [ chuckles ] you saw my wall with all of my awards, accolades for valor and heroism, including commendations from the presidents -- two, including obama.

but now, i want to show you my prize possession. i want to show you my -- my uncle curtis. >> yo, yo, get over here. whoo, look at them! boy, look at them. boy, don't you look at me like that, girl. look how she--look how she do like that. >> uncle curtis, what are you doing here? >> what are you -- >> you not supposed to be here. >> why not? >> this is my future fantasy, not a nightmare. >> you want to talk about a nightmare? you should've seen him when he was born -- ooh! you want to talk about ugly? thank you. you want to talk about ugly, boy? hey, it was -- it was a couple of years before i could show him to anybody. he was so ugly, unlike yourselves. oop--you tripped me, you tripped me. [ chuckles ] what -- what you touching? flip me over. flip me over. yeah, there we go. oh, my goodness. >> uncle curtis? you're not supposed to be here. this is my future fantasy, and

it's supposed to be bright. >> ooh, i like your fantasy. it's bright and dark. [ chuckles ] it's dark and bright. >> uncle curtis, you're ruining my fantasy. >> well, you ruined my past fantasies. this is payback. >> hey, malik? >> jazmine, what are you doing in my future fantasy? >> this is my house and you live with me. [ malik sighs ] who are these girls? you got to go! get out now. >> no. no, this is not how my future is supposed to be -- not my fantasy. >> please, i'm going to aggravate you until you die. >> oh. jazmine! >> what? she's not even here. >> c.j., c.j., did -- did you get the tuxes? >> yeah, yeah. i'm sorry the tuxedo shop was kind of crowded, but it took forever. >> "forever." >> calvin?

what'd i say? >> the "f" word. >> where did you get this? >> a little boutique had that and -- >> beautiful! ooh! sandra, you look gorgeous! >> thank you. and you look stunning. oh, look at you guys. >> yes, i do, but we were talking about me. yes, i do. [ laughing ] >> i do great work. >> yes, you do. >> it was hard work, but somebody had to do it. but you look good. >> well, what about me? how do i look? >> you look like a little princess, don't you? >> thank you. i'm ready for my close-up. [ women laugh ] >> ♪ miranda >> yes? >> why aren't you dressed? >> oh, i'm not getting dressed till my father gets here. >> but what if he doesn't show up? >> jazmine. >> oh, my goodness. what if he doesn't get here?

listen, i-i can't get married without him. what am i going to do? >> baby, just breathe, breathe. >> breathe. >> happy thoughts. >> listen, listen, think about your future. think about your future -- soon, you'll be married with calvin. >> that ain't no happy thought, janine. >> and -- and you are going to be living in your own house and you're going to have your own little beautiful babies. >> how they going to buy a house? calvin ain't got no money. he can't feed no children. he don't know nothing about birthing no babies. >> claretha! >> before you know it, you'll be doing this to your own daughter. >> well, actually, i want a son. >> really? >> really? >> yeah. i want a little boy just like calvin. >> oh. baby, be careful what you ask for. [ playing video game ] >> oh, man. >> calvin. [ calvin laughs ] stop playing those video games and get in there and clean up your room. >> all right, dad. i almost beat a new record. and besides, i did it yesterday. >> don't play with me. i will -- i will -- i will --

>> okay, pops -- cool. >> and why is my electricity bill so high? why is it so high? you're sitting up in here playing video games, breathing up all my good air. >> oh. >> baby. >> hey, baby. >> have you noticed how high our bills have been? >> you say the same thing every time, calvin. >> well, that's because they're true. >> oh. and, calvin jr., school called. you changed your major again? >> yep. >> that's the sixth time. boy, what did you change your major to now? >> well, see, dad, there was this girl who was studying biology --huh-- so i had to study her biology. >> that's so corny. that's so corny. boy, i don't know where you learn it from. boy, when i was younger, i used to have to walk five miles to school -- in the snow, barefoot. i used to have to swim across the river. >> you swam across the river, pops? >> i-i-i just don't know where he gets it from. >> he gets it from you. >> miranda, please, i was never

like that. [ miranda chuckles ] >> well, he surely didn't get it from me. hmm. [ siren wails, knock on door ] >> calvin payne jr., we know you're in there. you are wanted for the old donkey in the bucket trick, check fraud, and pension stealing. >> hmm. i wonder where he learned that. >> and male prostitution. >> what? huh, huh! >> don't look at me. that was my pops. [ miranda sighs ] >> oh! [ jazmine chuckles ] >> what? >> i think i want a girl. >> yes. >> oh, thank you. >> uh-oh, uh-oh, hold up. well, hold on! let me get my -- let me get my sense. that's enough pictures. save them. this family costs more than gas. >> looking sharp, uncle curtis. looking good, man. >> don't it look good? look at you -- you're looking good yourself there, young fellow. [ both laugh ] >> you know i try. i try to do how i do, you know. >> no pictures, please.

no pictures, no pictures. oh, boy, whoa -- wait a minute, player. now, come -- come on, take my picture now, man. take my picture. [ camera shutter clicks ] >> okay, that's enough. i told you i ain't buying no more film. he ain't the groom. >> speaking of the groom, what's taking calvin so long? >> i don't know -- calvin! >> i can't get married! >> yes, you can! >> not if i look like prince! >> what's he talking about? >> i have no idea. calvin, get out here now! [ c.j. chuckles ] >> ooh-aah! ♪ ♪ i'm watching you tonight. ♪ it's in those blue eyes. ♪ sweet surprise. ♪ that everything feels right. ♪ tonight. ♪ oooooooo.

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>> oh. what you -- turn around. let me see if the back is cut out. >> what -- the butt cheeks? [ both laugh ] >> what the hell do you have on? >> obviously, the wrong tux! >> oh, i got to get a picture with this. i have got to get a picture with -- you don't meet celebrities often. ha! [ camera shutter clicks ] >> oh, take one with the best man. take one with the best man. >> okay, come on, come on!

>> uh, me, too. me, too. say 1999. >> 1999! >> 1999! >> get off me! >> how -- what am i supposed to do? how am i going to get married like this? >> just -- put -- man, just -- just put on a raspberry beret. >> and throw on some diamonds and pearls. and hop in your little red corvette. >> this isn't funny, pops! >> okay, okay. we're going to ride back to the shop and find out what happened, all right? come on, ride with me, malik. >> hey, let's not open the sunroof. it might be a purple rain -- ooh-ah! >> kind of funny. >> no, it's not. no, it's not. let's--let's face it, pops. i'm not supposed to get married. >> calvin, stop it. you are supposed to get the hell out my house! so you might as well get married while you doing it. >> you don't stop, do you -- always threatening to kick me out? one day, i'm going to show you how it feels. >> what you going to do? man, i knew i shouldn't have bet on them! i knew i shouldn't have! well, they lose every time -- every time they have a televised global game. >> pops?

>> well, look, i'm taking my credit card and my $1,000 elsewhere next time, i tell you. >> pops? >> hold on, hold on. i'm trying to straighten this out. no -- well, then put another grand on it, then! >> pops, is that a long-distance call? >> yeah -- yes. yeah, son, i'm trying to do this bet here. yeah, well -- well, it ain't my money! >> curtis has to go -- goodbye. uh -- huh? no, i don't want to place any bets! >> they got good odds. >> how many times do i have to tell you -- no more long-distance calls and no more betting? >> i had to bet. it was a sure thing. >> well, did you win? >> uh, no, but i didn't lose. wasn't my money -- it was your money. i got the card right here! i got the card -- >> get out of my chair. >> wait, wait! wait a minute! this is wood. this is wood! >> no, get out of my chair. >> i can't -- ouch! ow, i got splinters! uh, uh! go get the tweezers. you going to leave me down here? >> yeah. >> please don't. it's cold down here. you all got wood floors, wood chair, wood -- could you all

get -- you all preserving the wood. boy, ever since i've been taking that tae bo, it is good and tight. feels like it just like-- >> oh. >> hey, baby. >> hey, baby. hmm. come on, ms. payne. >> here i come. >> oh, whoa, whoa, whoa -- the eggs are in there. >> wait a minute. >> well -- it's closing! it's closing, baby! >> oh! you got to get me, baby. get me and bring me in. i guess i ain't never -- why this door done shut? who shut it? >> well, who -- who? >> who shut it? >> i thought you started cursing, ms. payne. i'm happy to know you're still with the lord, but listen -- you do not have to go grocery shopping with me anymore, okay? yes? it's been 20 years -- i can cook now, okay? [ curtis chuckles] >> that's cooking. >> that's not cooking.

>> baby, listen, i have to go with you because i got to make sure you get curtis' favorite things. >> hey, baby. >> but everything is his favorite thing, and he's not my husband. >> huh. baby, i know he ain't your husband -- look at all that man. you can't handle all that man. >> you can't handle this old school. >> you probably can't handle that man. [ curtis chuckles ] you probably can't handle that man! help me, baby! >> well, set her down, set her down. there she is. there it go. there she is. >> whoo! >> it's time i set forth some rules in this house. >> ahem. >> rule number one -- nobody ever, ever sits in my chair. >> well -- don't nobody want to sit in that chair. that wood -- it's a wood chair. who the hell want to sit in a wood chair? >> now, rule number two -- nobody controls the tv remote except me. >> don't nobody care about that doggone remote. i don't even need the remote.

i'll just have you take me to the game. will you take me to the game? >> with what money? >> i still got your credit card -- yeah, yeah! i got the card, i got his card! >> rule number three-- >> i don't leave home without it. >> give me back my credit card. >> huh? >> give me back my credit card. >> huh? >> give me -- give me back my credit card! >> here, get -- go and get it. >> pop, i can't believe you would do this to me. you all going to move in here, running up my electricity bill, eating up all my good food! ugh! >> payback is a mug, ain't it? [ ella chuckles ] >> yes, sir. >> yeah! >> we ain't leavin' till we die! >> why you looking so ugly? the secret is out. hydration is in.

[ female announcer ] only aveeno daily moisturizing lotion has an active naturals oat formula that creates a moisture reserve so skin can replenish itself. aveeno® naturally beautiful results. >> calvin! calvin? i double-checked, man. it's definitely your tux. >> my man. >> okay, now go put your stuff on! [ telephone rings ] >> hello? oh, hey, auntie ella. yeah, we were almost dressed, then uncle curtis -- i mean, cousin cal -- >> yep -- hey, baby. hey. no, no, everything's good. we good. yeah -- yeah. well, then you need to come tell him, then. no -- baby, i've been dealing with it -- i've been dealing with him all day. it's your turn. okay. bye-bye. what are you doing? >> she asked how we were doing. >> so what?

you don't never tell a woman when something is wrong! >> and why not? >> did you teach this boy anything? malik, women are weak! they're not as strong as men! they fall apart when stuff happen -- they're a nervous wreck, especially on a wedding day. >> pops, pops, who was that? was that mom? uh, is everything okay? oh, no -- they're ready before we are. is miranda mad? this -- this is bad, pops! this is bad! >> chill out! man up, okay? man up! >> oh, yeah -- and women, they're emotional and unstable, yeah. >> hi, guys. oh. look -- c.j., you look great. oh, look at my baby. [ curtis chuckles ] oh, oh, oh! oh, calvin, you look handsome! curtis, doesn't he look good? >> i think i look pretty good, too. >> yeah, hmm-hmm. are you ready? >> oh.

yeah, i'm as ready as i'll ever be. >> so, what about your vows? >> oh, i got that covered, big dog. i wrote a poem called "forever." >> good. that's beautiful -- "forever." that's good, sweetie. ooh -- "forever." [ laughs ] it's cute. this is great. okay. >> uh, mom? >> hmm? >> is everything okay, because you're acting strange. miranda's okay, right? she -- she still wants to get married, right? >> yes! miranda is next door cool as a cucumber. look, you know how women are ♪ on their wedding day >> yeah, so i heard. >> oh. but, listen, jeffrey had a little emergency, so he and julia haven't even arrived yet, but does miranda love you? ah! oh, she loves you, calvin, but she's not going to get dressed until ♪ they get here so the wedding will be delayed. see you. >> whoa! >> oh, goodness.

>> oh!

[straining] uh-aah! ♪ my eyes are gettin' weary ♪ ♪ my back is gettin' tight ♪ i'm sittin' here in traffic ♪ ♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪ ♪ but i don't care, 'cause all i want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby, all my life ♪ ♪ i will be drivin' home to you ♪ captioning made possible by sony pictures television

hey, sticky buns. that's cute when you give me little nicknames. hmm? nothing. aren't my parents here yet? no. they called from the airport, though. your father's holding out for a cheaper taxi. i would have liked to have seen them before my union meeting tonight. union meeting? since when do you go to union meetings? since they started serving beer. and we might be going out on strike or something. i don't know. why? what's the big deal? well, doug, i have some work to do. i need you to entertain your parents. i was hoping to try out my new bubble bath as well. "lavender surrender." [chuckles] make a good stripper name.

all right, doug. i'm just saying i wouldn't have to go to union meetings if you could work a couple nights as lavender surrender. all right, come on. i really have stuff i gotta do tonight. relax, all right, i got it covered. tonight, i got 2 theater tickets for my parents. so, once they're out of the house, you can take a bath, invite your boyfriend over, the house is yours. i just hope they're getting along a little better. what? you remember last month in florida, they were going at each other all the time. no, they weren't. doug, come on. your father called your mother an idiot because she bought him potato chips in a can. the man likes his chips in a bag. remember that time i got mad at you because you bought me mini-donuts instead of the regular size? does that mean i don't love you? well, you did say some pretty hurtful things. well, i don't like mini-donuts. [doorbell rings] there they are. ok.