hey! hello! good to see you. hi! dougie, quick, go grab the bags before the cabbie gets 'em. this guy is fishing for a tip. so how was your flight? oh, it was really nice. ah, you know, they recycle the air on those planes, so it's mostly exhaled carbon dioxide and flecks of other people's skin. did not know that. i brought you the in-flight magazine. oh, thank you. there's an article in there on arsenio hall's favorite steak house. turns out-- bup bup bup. i want to be surprised. still fighting bags with wheels, huh, dad? hey, wheels break. then where are ya? right back to here. so, joe, you all ready for your big convention? oh, yes, i am. feast your eyes on what's going to bring home the golden caboose at the 43rd annual model train expo. doug: oh, that is pretty sweet. hey, hey, hey-- you know the rules. oh, come on, joe. let him touch the train. it's not a train, it's an engine.

well, in that case, who cares?! i care! you know, for one week out of the year, could i have that to enjoy myself? fine! good! speaking of enjoying yourselves, who's going to see robert goulet in camelot tonight? really? oh, that's my favorite show. i know. joe, look. whoa! 65 bucks each. i wonder how much of this goes to goulet? all right, well, you guys have a great time. i got a union thing i got to go to. aw, thank you, dougie. that was so generous of you. come on, you guys raised me. you paid for me to go to college. sorry that didn't work out. whoo, look at you. you look beautiful.

thank you, carrie. i am so looking forward to tonight. there's nothing more exciting than a live show. yeah. the last live show doug took me to was 2 guys fighting in a cage. oh, no, you're not wearing that train hat to the theater. i can't go. what? i just got a call from the convention center. they're assigning the table locations tonight, not in the morning. so? so if i don't get down there asap, i'll be way in the back with all those monorail freaks. but dougie bought those tickets. hey, the grand conductor makes the assignments, not me. i'm sorry. i gotta go. i'm sorry, janet. don't be. who needs him? hey, maybe you'll come with me. we could do a girls' night out. oh, i wish i could, but i have all this work. oh, yeah, of course, your work. hey, you know what? there's no law against a woman going to the theater by herself. i'll just, uh... i'll do it, and it'll be better, you know, because i won't have to fight with joe for the armrest.

yeah, there you go. so i'm just going to get my bag. hey, dad, you're home early. tough night at the senior center. i had to flip the checker board in a fit of rage earlier than usual. i take it the duke and duchess of fort lauderdale have arrived. goulet's in town? yeah. hey, why don't you go with janet? me?! yeah. joe can't go and i have all this work, and it would help everyone out if you would take her. what do you say? no posible, señorita. dad, come on. please? how can i say no to my little girl? 10 bucks, plus expenses. subway fare, $3.00. 2 knishes, $4.00. janet, how much was that program?

oh, these are free. uh-huh. one commemorative program, $12.95... it was so nice of you to come with me, arthur. my pleasure. carry the 1... it's a beautiful theater. the last time i was here, i was a young socialist dreamer taking in the opening night of a clifford odets musical. i believe it was called, johnny wants a living wage. but i don't want to bore you. oh, it's not boring at all. i love the theater. i can never get joe to come, let alone talk about it, so please go on. well, it was a marvelous play, almost brechtian with a sassy hint of old-time burlesque. it closed that night. my, how fascinating. you want fascinating? have i ever told you about the night i pumped helen hayes' stomach?

[door opens] janet: oh, my goodness. [laughs] oh, that was a hoot. i haven't had so much fun in years. arthur: well, arthur spooner does not disappoint. well, good night, and thank you again for a lovely evening. thank you, milady. hello, douglas. good night. served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich comes with fries and your choice of soup or salad. it's just one of chili's delicious lunch break combos. more life happens here. even when you don't now yhave time for a break break

with new kit kat minis. poppable, bite-sized minis that let you make break time anytime.

and then there's juicy chicken with hellmann's ♪ hellmann's is the secret to making parmesan crusted chicken... [ bell dings ] ...so crispy so juicy so delicious it's your secret to making dinner disappear hellmann's. bring out the best to making dinner disappear hey, ma. oh, hey, honey. off to work? yeah. is dad up yet? up? he's already at the convention center with his trains. oh. i feel bad leaving you here by yourself. you want to meet me for lunch later or--

oh, just a reminder, janet-- bring a light sweater. it's chilly on the lake. ok. no, thanks, honey, i'll be fine. ♪ come fly with me ♪ let's fly, let's fly away ♪ ♪ if you can use some exotic booze ♪ ♪ there's a bar in far bombay ♪ ♪ come fly with me ♪ let's fly, let's fly away ♪ ♪ come fly with me ♪ let's float down to peru ♪ ♪ in llama land there's a one-man band ♪ ♪ and he'll toot his flute for you ♪ ♪ come fly with me ♪ let's take up in the blue ♪ ♪ once i get you up there ♪ where the air is rarefied... ♪ hey, honey. i'm reading an article--

"nine ways to please your man." now, this might be the wine talking, but i am willing to do 2 of them. that's great. look, i know you've been busy with your bubble baths and whatnot. i just wanted to get you up to speed on a couple things. uh, we're getting low on mayo, i fixed that faucet thing, and, oh, yeah, our parents are dating. no, they're not. they're just spending time together. see, this is all your fault. what? yeah, 'cause you had to send your father with my mother to the theater. why would you do that? i mean, there's a reason we keep him in the basement. doug, i was just trying to do something nice for your mother. oh, really? yeah, and you know what? we wouldn't be having this conversation if your father would have taken her. but, no, of course, he had a very serious choo-choo emergency. hey, when he wins that golden caboose, you're gonna be sucking on a nice cold shut-up-sicle. doug, i know this is hard for you to handle, ok,

but your parents are having problems. they are not! yes, they are. your father has been neglecting your mother. hello! it's train week. maybe they're going through a little bit of a rough spot, but it doesn't help having your dad sniffin' around my mom. and by the way, yesterday, i think i saw him doing that. so what do you want me to do? talk to him. tell him to back off. all right, i will talk to my father, but i really do think you need to talk to your mother. oh, really? you just get the monkey in the cage! ugh. hey, dad. ah, just the man i wanted to see. here's the total expenses i've incurred for janet. i think you'll find my rates are quite competitive. uh, listen, dad. i don't think you should take janet out tonight.

why? i've already billed you for it. well, i think doug's parents are having some problems, and i don't want janet to misinterpret your intentions. i assure you, my intentions are purely monetary. well, that's good to know. plus, she's not really my type. arthur spooner likes 'em lean and mean like a feral cat. ok, well, i'm glad you understand because you're a pretty charming guy. and with you in the picture, anything can happen. you know what i'm saying? yes, i do. ok. although, now that you bring it up, this last week has been such a crazy whirlwind, i really haven't had a chance to gauge my feelings for janet. no, dad, no feelings. nothing to gauge. i mean, janet does have a smile that lights up the room. see, i disagree. middle-of-the-road smile. and you did say her marriage is on the rocks, so i'd just be speeding up the inevitable. ok, dad, i will give you $500 if you stay away from doug's mother.

my love can't be bought! oh, hi, dougie. hey, ma. artie's taking me to the velvet lounge tonight. is this dressy enough? actually, you know, i want to talk to you about arthur for a second. oh, sure. what is it? i want to thank you, first of all, for putting up with his craziness all week. welcome to my world, you know what i'm saying? oh, i don't mind. i like arthur. yeah, you know, you like him, in the way you like a sad little 3-legged dog. actually, it's more pity than like. am i right? no, i really like him. ok, fine, you really like him. what's your point? my point is, you don't actually like him like you like dad, right? i'm so confused. oh, god.

it's just that it's been so long since... someone paid attention to me, someone who was excited to spend time with me. dad does that. no, he doesn't. all he cares about is his trains. yeah, he likes his trains, but you guys have so much other stuff. like what? you got your boggle... uh, judging amy... judge judy-- all your judges. bottom line--you guys got a lot of stuff. look, doug, i know that i'm not a young girl anymore, but i still have urges and desires that need to be fulfilled. mm-hmm. and i'm not just talking about the physical act of sex. which, by the way, your father-- all right, ma, that's it! no more desires or urges,

and you are not to be fulfilled. now go in there and bake something! i'm sorry, douglas, but i am going out with arthur tonight. did you talk to your dad? um, yes, we talked. douglas, i want you to know if things between your mother and i go the way i think they're heading, i would never try to replace your father. but i do expect to be obeyed. what happened down there? i don't know. it got away from me pretty fast. ok. you listen up, old man. um, if you try to take my mother out again, you're gonna be in a world of pain. son, this belt doesn't just keep my pants up. hey, dad. yeah, just a sec.

huh? huh? you think dorfman's got this in his stupid alpine village? uh-uh. yeah, that's great. you know, mom went out with arthur again tonight. oh, good. hey, hand me that little chinese couple. if you want a shot at winning this, you gotta play the p.c. game. look, i talked to mom, and i gotta tell you she's not completely happy. aw, you know your mom. she's fine. no, dad, she's not. and you know where she went with arthur? to the velvet lounge. really? that's where i used to take her when we started dating. yeah, you know, i think you should go to her. no, i can't. this is judging night. this is my year. i'm gonna get that golden caboose. dad, will you stop with the trains? stop! enough already! i mean, mom was right. all you care about are these damn trains. our whole lives, they came first. that's not true. it is true. even when i was a kid you wouldn't let me touch them. you had your chance and you blew it. i was 4, the freight car looked like a candy bar. turn the page. aw, come on, dougie.

even when i got older, dad, you said i couldn't play with them because i didn't have a license. there were no licenses, were there? not at the time, no. it's-- your mother's really unhappy? you're right. these trains, they hurt the people i love. i got to go find your mother. good. i, uh... i need you to do me a favor, son. what? take the boston bullet into the station. can do.

[soft jazz playing] janet, i must say, you move with a silky elegance. thank you, arthur. we can stay out as late as you want. i've adjusted my medications accordingly. [music ends] oh. oh, it looks like someone could use another martooni. well, maybe just one more.

joe? [band playing soft music] janet, i'm not saying it's going to be easy, but with my love and your alimony, we can build a life together. heh. i'm gonna need a receipt for these.

and it's back to the basement. over 20 million drivers are insured with geico. so get a free rate quote today. i love it! how much do you love it? animation is hot...and i think it makes geico's 20 million drivers message very compelling, very compelling. this is some really strong stuff! so you turned me into a cartoon...lovely. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. not anymore. what? my silverware isn't good enough for you? have -- have you seen it? yes, i have seen it, and it looks -- you gotta look better. ladies, breathe. cascade kitchen counselor here. it's not your silverware. it's likely your detergent. see, over time,

cascade platinum's triple cleaning formula delivers brilliant shine finish gel can't beat. it even helps keep your dishwasher sparkling. find something, mother? no. [ counselor ] cascade platinum is cascade's best.

[ male announcer ] when your favorite food starts a fight, fight back fast with tums. relief that neutralizes acid on contact and goes to work in seconds. ♪ tum, tum tum tum tums! relief that neutralizes acid on contact i told you, my dad had to leave. they were his trains. but you said your father had these trains for 30 years. you never used it once? he wouldn't let me. it doesn't add up. doesn't add up. am i released now? no. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

hey, buddy? oh, hey, flo. you want to see something cool? snapshot, from progressive. my insurance company told me not to talk to people like you. you always do what they tell you? no... try it, and see what your good driving can save you. you don't even have to switch. unless you're scared. i'm not scared, it's... you know we can still see you. no, you can't. pretty sure we can... try snapshot today -- no pressure.

♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely?

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ laugh and cry ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ okay, brian, i'm goin' to the iga. don't let peter get into the cookie dough. yeah, sure. uh, brian? i'm just gonna go into the kitchen and... look at somethin'. peter, i know what you're doing. i'm just gonna look at somethin'. (muffled): oh! what a very interesting thing. brian, can i give you money and you write me a check so i can order something from this abercrombie & fitch catalog? what do you want to order? oh, wait, let me guess. him. (guffaws) he got you, stewie! well, um, if it were you... you-you would take the magazine and you'd put it on the floor and pee on it 'cause you're a dog and you're stupid,

and-and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow. nice comeback. geez, that one was all over the place. i should have been quicker than that. i should've said, "really? why would i order your ex-boyfriend?" and then i'd go like this. (snaps fingers) aw, that's so good! why didn't i say that?! if only i had a time machine, i could go back in time and have that comeback ready. wait a minute. i do have a time machine! brian, can i give you money and you write me a check so i can order something from this abercrombie & fitch catalog? what do you want to order? oh, wait, let me guess: him. really? why would i order your ex-boyfriend? (snaps fingers) (guffaws) he got you, brian! (groans) why didn't i think of this before? now i can always have the last word. like that ground control guy during the moon landing. (over radio): that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

mission controller: roger that, neil. armstrong: we came in peace for all the peoples of the earth. mission controller: we read you, neil. armstrong: we chose to go to the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. mission controller: had a lot of help down here, neil. armstrong: we have slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of god. mission controller: yeah, if you could just grab some rocks, neil, throw 'em in a bag, we'll get you home safe and sound. this is silly fun. i can go back in time and change anything in brian's life. aw, don't feel bad, peter. hey, i know what'll cheer you up. hey, where the hell's my banana thing? ♪ it's peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ peanut butter jelly time ♪ ♪ where he at? where he at? ♪ (laughing): oh... oh, my god. oh, stewie, that is so funny! oh... i did not see that comin'! but... that was my thing. i'm pretty sure it was the internet's thing. ♪ peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly ♪

♪ peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. ♪ hey, you remember a few months ago when you scored that date with that victoria's secret model and then ended up sealing the deal? oh, yeah. that was amazing. what was the date of that? august 15th. august 15th! you betcha! now, i have to leave enough time... talking to yourself? gyah...! brian, brian! hello! stewie, i know you've been going back in time to embarrass me. oh, what-what, that... come on! oh, okay, then-then where are you going now? well, i have a-a-a very important mission. uh-huh. let me see that panel. no, no, don't touch that! come on, let me see that! don't... move out of the way! no, you can't... i'm not gonna let you do this... you just touched my boob. i'm gonna tell mom. (beeping rapidly, electricity crackling)