look at you. give me five. yeah. oh, you got a problem with me? what? let's break it down. come on. come on, break it down. oh, you talking to me? you talking to me? get out of my face! you talking to me? >> [ eastern-european accent ] not if i can help it! >> what the what?! you like to gave me a heart attack! >> this is a good place for it. i hear they have doctors in this building. >> okay. who -- who are you? >> dr. musmakovitch suekahna machala jawfy. but my friends call me dr. musmakovitch suekahna machala jawfy. >> well, where dr. edwards? you know, he was real good. >> a little too good according to some of the female nurses! now it says here that you need a checkup. >> mm-hmm. >> so...hhccch-hop up on my table and let's make some magic. >> what?! >> hhccch-hop up on my table. >> okay. i'm hhhopping. [ clears throat ] >> now, do you have any

preexisting medical condition? >> yes. >> what are they? >> well, you're the doctor. you supposed to be telling me. that's why i pay you all the money. i pay, you tell. >> okay. how long have you been blind? >> i ain't blind. >> you telling me you wear these clothes on purpose? >> it's called "style." >> yes. bad style is still style. your pulse is fine. let's take a look at your ears. >> okay, okay. go ahead. mm-hmm. you see? mm-hmm. what you see, doc? >> that wall needs painting. your ears are too big, but they're okay. >> oh. you think i got big earalitis? >> possibly. >> okay. >> pressure is okay. let's take a look at your reflexes. >> now, before you do that, let me tell you this. i got cat-like reflexes. i'm something like a cat. >> okay.

>> [ snarls ] i start -- you see? i started to scratch your eyes out, just -- see, i told -- i told you. >> note to self -- have patient neutered. okay, this is the fun part. the foreplay is over. it's what i like to call "let's poke that prostate." >> oh, pros -- oh, oh, okay. i know what you're talking about. [ clears throat ] let me swallow, get all this mucus out of my throat. there you go. ahh. >> no. it's not in there. >> oh, in my chest? well, get your thing and listen to my chest. you don't want to listen to -- you can listen to my intestines. >> you're getting warmer. >> you -- my hip side? >> turn it around, you'll be on fire! >> oh, now you're talking about... >> bingo! >> the devil is alive! >> now you drop them, and we get acquainted! and before you ask -- hey. where -- this is the best part! where are you going? >> cora and i are going to the

mall. want me to bring back something? >> yeah, my youth and a hawaiian shirt. >> i'll see what i can do. >> see you later, colonel. >> oh, and, colonel, your lunch is there in the fridge. >> thanks. i'll be sure to eat the -- >> pizza. >> uh... >> edna, i -- >> don't say a word. i'll handle you when i get back. >> bye, colonel. save me some pizza! >> all right. bye, cora. young man, you seriously need to consider another career choice. >> i came by to thank you for the advice. i'm gonna take you up on it. you, sir, are a wise and generous man. and, uh, i bought you a double-cheese cheeseburger pizza. >> oh. >> they gave me the employee discount before i got fired. >> oh. so you gonna join the marines like your father, huh? >> my dad's gonna be proud. >> [ chuckles ] you know, i remember when i enlisted -- kicking butt and

taking names. [ chuckles ] >> you ever lose a man? >> oh, no, no, no. you never leave a man behind. your father can tell you the same thing. >> my father died in the gulf war. >> oh. i'm sorry to hear that. >> this is him. right here on the end. >> private darryl phillips. >> private darryl phillips. you recognize the guy next to him? >> that's... >> that's you. major cleophus jackson! two tours in vietnam, promoted to colonel in 1983, retired 1992... widower, one daughter, karen, and...

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>> you have the wrong information, son. >> don't you ever call me "son." you're the reason i don't have a father. and i want answers. >> answers to what? you haven't asked me any questions. >> don't play with me, old man! >> m1911. colt .45, huh? >> same one you used in 'nam. [ doorbell rings ]

who's that? >> edna and her friend. they probably forgot something. but they don't have anything to do with this. >> i got eight rounds, plenty for everybody. so get rid of them. [ doorbell rings ] get rid of them now! >> brown, what are you doing here? >> colonel, that doctor tried to go places that man have never gone before. >> brown, you have to get out of here. >> i ain't going back there. >> brown, if you stay here, you may experience a shooting pain. >> colonel, if i go back to that doctor, i'm gonna experience a shooting pain. you know what? i done got hungry. saving my hide done got me hungry. what y'all got to eat? >> well, uh, edna cooked some killer tuna. i mean, it's to die for. >> uh, i wouldn't eat edna's cooking if they put a gun to my head. >> exactly! brown, you need to go back to the doctor and get help because you're at death's door.

>> you -- you the one twitching. what's wrong with your -- that's the way they do when they need that crack. you on -- you got -- you on that stuff, ain't you? you're itching and stuff. >> brown, you need to go get help, make sure everything is all clear. >> oh! oh! okay, colonel. thank you so -- i didn't know you cared that much! i'm gonna get help. >> good. so you're going to get help? >> yes! i'm gonna go back to that doctor 'cause i know i need help, and i got to get it done. i may as well. thank you, colonel. you saved my life. >> wish i could say the same thing to you. >> you know what? you know what? and you... it's just rude for you to stand back here, knowing i'm here all this time, you done delivered a pizza, and you heard me say "i'm hungry." that's rude. that's what that is -- rude. i'm gonna just take the whole thing. colonel, i'm gonna eat it in the car on the way. that's rude. that's what's wrong with these children now. they rude. i'll see you, colonel. >> just shoot me.

i wasn't talking to you. >> ♪ just a prostate exam for me ♪ ♪ lord, let my prostate be tiny ♪ ♪ hey ♪ just -- >> i knew you'd be back. >> how'd you know? >> men are all the same. at first, they play hard to get, and then they realize they can't live without me! >> okay, okay, doc, look. why don't you grab a seat, pull it up, and we just talk this out and get to know each other better? let's just get to know one another. >> i am not interested in your mind. i'm interested in your body. now let's get this party started! >> okay. wait, wait, doc. wait! >> what? >> is this gonna hurt? >> i promise you i won't feel a thing. okay, stand up and face the

wall. >> okay. our father... who art in heaven, hall-- wait, wait! hold on, doc! just give me a minute, now! i'm not ready for this! >> what? do you need a drink? >> now, you not gonna try to lure me in with no alcohol. i don't drink, no. >> now would be a good time to start. >> okay, doc. phew. okay. okay. wait a minute. >> relax. breathe normally. >> [ panting ] >> now exhale. exhale, exhale. breathe, shamu! breathe! >> aah! i'm not gonna make it! this my last day on earth! tell my daughter, cora, she got a half-brother! >> mr. brown, please! >> no, no, tell curtis payne i kissed ella, and she liked it when we were little! she liked it! aah! >> mr. brown! >> no! what the -- >> calm down, please. >> did you just -- oh. what the... i just -- i'm calmed down as

calm as i'm gonna get! aah! i'm calm! >> maybe this will help. >> ohh! >> it works every time! >> you know, you're nothing like your father. private darryl phillips was a -- >> keep my father's name out of your mouth! >> well, you want answers. you don't know everything about him. >> i don't know anything about my father! i don't know if his speeches would have kept me out of trouble. i don't know what his laugh sounded like. he wasn't there! this is what i know. he was a soldier. and he died on your watch. >> no! your father died to save the lives of every man in that picture! >> that's a bunch of bull! >> i know because i was there! >> but somehow the man with all the stripes on his sleeve managed to come back alive. >> i gave the command for his platoon to board the choppers. >> and he was the last one on and got killed.

i've heard it before! >> no, your father jumped out when he saw an rpg aimed at us. i should have sent a recon unit to sweep the area, but -- >> what happened? >> he took out the rpg before -- before taking on sniper fire, and i never forgave myself. >> why didn't you make him stay on -- >> your father was strong-willed just like you. most men enlist to fight and protect this country, but your father had a different agenda. >> what the hell is that supposed to mean? >> but he always said, "the only reason i'm here is so i can be a better man than my father, so my son can be a better man than me." >> he said that? >> twice a day and three times on sunday. hmm. good lord, that man could talk.

>> my. still having your little pizza party here? >> uh, edna, this is darryl phillips' son. >> from the corps? >> yes. >> [ laughs ] >> you -- you know about my father? >> do i? every chance the colonel gets, he tells that story. cora, this young man's father saved the colonel's life. >> really? what is your name? >> darryl phillips jr. >> oh. darryl phillips jr., son of a hero. >> why don't you have dinner with us? >> oh, oh, no, no, no. >> you don't want to do that. >> that's okay. >> yeah, you -- it's a pleasure to meet you. excuse me. >> nice to meet you, son. huh? >> yes. i guess there's something you got to do. >> i'm afraid so, son. surrender your weapon.

this ammo is old. it would have jammed or blown up in your face. >> how did you know that -- >> you'll learn when you enlist. >> yes, sir. >> what's that? >> sir, yes, sir, colonel, sir. >> all right. you're dismissed. >> whew. i got the nerve to take the exam now. give me the shot. come on. >> what shot? procedure is over. >> what? doc, look me in the eye. look me dead in the eye and just

tell me, am i gonna die? >> absolutely. >> how long i got? how long cora got her daddy for? >> another 30 years. [ laughs ] >> ha ha ha. >> you're fine, but listen. prostate cancer is the number-two killer of black men in america. >> wow. what's number one? >> black women. no! i kid! >> oh! ha ha! >> it's heart disease! so take care of yourself. >> thank you, dr. jawfalocomocaca. >> hey, it wasn't as bad as you thought, huh? >> no, no, it wasn't as bad as i thought. i still feel a little, you know -- yeah, a little dirty, but that's okay. high-five, doc. no, i don't know where your hand's been. never mind. thank you very much. doc, what you do with my clothes? you trying to wear my stuff. [ as dr. jawfy ] i kidding, i kidding! go!

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♪ smuggler. ♪ [ male announcer ] crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery butterfinger. nobody's gonna lay a finger on my butterfinger. no ninjas. >> hi. i'm david mann. did you know that prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer among men in america? early detection can increase your chance of survival. the center for disease control and prevention recommends that all men get tested annually.

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good luck with your wrapper. ♪ my eyes are gettin' weary ♪ ♪ my back is gettin' tight ♪ i'm sittin' here in traffic ♪ ♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪ ♪ but i don't care, 'cause all i want to do ♪ ♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby, all my life ♪

♪ i will be drivin' home to you ♪ captioning made possible by sony pictures television [tv plays] so, saturday night, huh? saturday night. this is sweet. it do not get better than this. it do not. so is this just a phase, or is this... pretty much it for us? what do you wanna do? something a little bit more action-packed. you wanna go hit amateur night at a strip club? i think there's a middle ground. um...hey, let's go see a movie. a movie? i like your spunk! well, let's go, bub. we are goin' to the movies! i am excited. and you know what? i'm gonna wear that new underwear you bought me.

i look forward to that. since we're going, let's call deac and invite him. uh...not gonna happen. he's not ready to start goin' out yet. come on. it's been 2 months since kelly left him. he's gotta have a movie in him. look, we can call him, but i'm telling ya, he's not even answering his phone anymore. and you gotta hear his machine. brutal. [ring] answering machine: hi. this is deacon. i'm not here right now. ahem. [voice breaks] if you're calling for kelly... or my children... they're at her mother's at 732-555-1012. [whispers] i--i gotta go. just act normal. [machine beeps] hey, buddy, it's, uh, it's doug and carrie. hey, fella! anyway, uh, look, man, i know you're there, so just pick up the phone. come on, man, huh?

we're going to the movies, and we wanna invite you along. come on, man, it's movie time. ♪ da da da da da da-da tss-tss-tss-tss-tss-tss! the raisinettes are playin' trumpet, and, hey, surround sound, huh? [echoing] whoa-oa...whoa-oa... whaaaaaaa... eeeeeeeeeeeeee.... [high voice] ding-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling. [doorbell rings] hey, guy! see, honey, i told you we shouldn't have worn pants. now we've embarrassed him, huh? i kid. what's going on? ha ha! hey! well, i guess we know who the neat freak in the relationship was, huh? did you get our message? yeah, you guys are, what-- getting some raisinettes or something? we called to ask you to the movies. now we're takin' you by force. i'm kinda in the middle of a project right now.

what are you doing? i'm going through these old pictures, seeing if kelly ever looked happy with me. i don't think she did. she was. she just had a very sour face in general. yeah, that's true. she frowned at everything. oh, yeah. if she won the lottery, she'd be like, "yeah, i won!" uh-huh. come on. we're serious. go to the movies with us. yeah, come on, man. hey, i'll let you feel me up, then i'll let ya have a run at carrie. come on! it's just--you know what? hanging out with a couple right now is just not a great idea. where you going? i'm getting my box of pictures from the honeymoon. if i get lucky, maybe i'll find a smirk, i don't know. doug, we gotta get him out of here. you heard him. he won't go. maybe he won't go out with us, but why don't you take him out? i'll bail. look at this place. it's getting pretty scary. cereal in a frisbee? come on! actually, that was mine from 2 weeks ago. please, just take him out. go somewhere.

where? i don't know. go to a nightclub. a nightclub? yeah. you used to love clubs. you used to be like big, fun club guy. yeah, but now i'm big fall-asleep-with- crumbs-on-my-chest guy. people change. well, you're not doing this for you. you're doing this for deacon. come on, honey, we gotta get him out of here before he humps the photo album! fine. i'll take him out. hey, deac, buddy, come on, man. you and i are gonna go out without carrie. let's go! ok. i think it's gonna have to be another night. why? 'cause he just put his pajamas on. actually, i think he might have just put kelly's pajamas on. carrie, i'm gonna need you to read this, and every time you see the words "hamburger patty," highlight it in blue. ok. also, have you met lila? uh, lila. no. she's thompson's new assistant. i gotta tell you, she looks exactly like you.

really? yeah. it's incredible. really. well, i--i can't comment. haven't seen her. well, you wanna see her? here. that's her. all right. the club scene. it's all comin' back. so gimme some guidelines lady-wise. what do you like? what do you need? you like big boobs, little boobs? full-figured, skinny, skanky? talk to me, goose. i'd like anyone who won't take my kids in the middle of the night and move to jersey, that's what i'd like. will you forget about that? all right, come on. now, look. i want you to have one conversation with a pretty girl. that's all i'm asking. candy shop is open. pick yourself a lolly. i don't know. i guess they're kinda cute. there you go. perfect.

look at 'em sitting there. they have no idea how their lives are about to change. they're helpless antelopes. we're lions in the grass. let the hunt begin. so go ahead. i thought you were going. me? i don't need to meet women. you just said, "tell me who you like." that's what the pimp says before he goes and gets you the girl. i'm not your pimp. i'm your white sidekick. now, you go! no, i don't want to. let's get outta here. no, fine, i'll do it, all right? jeez! man...it's been a while since i've done this. my heart is pumpin'. what was my old routine again? oh, yeah, shake it out, untuck, and roll. hey there. i don't know if you ladies watch professional roller derby, but...i'm doug heffernan.

♪ it's gonna get ya ♪ rhythm is gonna get ya ♪ rhythm is gonna get ya ♪ ♪ tonight [shouts] ♪ oh-ey-oh-ey ♪ oh-ey-oh-ey ♪ oh-ey-- all right. what time is it? it's quarter to 2:00. whassup? wow. how'd it go? oh, it was great. i was dancin', had a few beers, met a drunk dude who kept high-fivin' me all night. you see? you were fighting me on this, and it went great. yeah. oh, and by the way, it turns out when you're happily married and you're not desperate to pick someone up, the chicks just start flyin' atcha. ha ha ha. at cha or at deacon? don't worry about it. come on. it was great for deacon. he got out. he got his feet wet. i learned what type of woman he likes, which is, p.s., bootylicious. that's good. you did good, honey. thanks. so we're gonna kick it back there on thursday.

what? you're going back there again? yeah, what'd you think, i was gonna get him remarried in one night? i'm good, but i'm not that good. all right, it's late. i'm going to bed. come on! stay down here with me. i'm up now! let's party. come on, partyyy! [telephone rings] mr. thompson's office. oh, no, she left. i'm his new assistant lila. he's in court this morning. all right, i'll tell him you called. bye-bye. [coughs] [sneezes] oh, bless you.

thank you. [dance music playing] all right. tonight, i wanna see some progress, guy. tonight, it's all about you. this is your time. this is your town. you ready? not really, b-- good. let's go. hey, man, what's going on? hey, man-- hey, eddie! tonight, you're buying! hey! what's happening? there they are, the girls of fordham u. i know i can't afford 'em. you? what's up, lizard? couple buds. [reggae dance music playing]

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