an. don't be like that. don't worry about us, ok? we got tons of friends. yeah. tons. well, that's good. yeah, it is good. i hate saturday nights. what do you think deacon and kelly are doing right now? doug, don't. i'm just saying it's been 3 weeks, carrie. when does it stop hurting? i don't know, baby. i don't know. i can't believe there are no other couples to hang out with. we could always call neal and marcy. neal and marcy. are you crazy?! i'm just saying they loved us. yeah, too much. they named their cats after us, for god's sake! those cats are dead by now. at least carrie is. she got pregnant, like, 30 times.

we are not calling neal and marcy, ok? yeah, you're right. [sighs] i'm gonna go to bed. right behind you. i'm just gonna clean up here a little bit. ok. deacon: hello? hello? who is this? hello? what are you doing? just checking the time. 7:08. good job, buddy. you were calling deacon and kelly again. i just wanted to hear what was going on over there. oh, my god, you're pathetic! what was going on over there? i don't know, but it sounded like the best time 4 people ever had.

damn it! you know what? screw them! and screw us for being such losers! you know what we gotta do? we gotta get off our butts, get out there and find a replacement couple for deacon and kelly. i don't know. i don't think we're ready yet. of course we're ready. come on! we're nice, we're funny, we're smart. any other couple would be lucky to have us! you know, you're right. who cares what deacon and kelly think? we're a catch! yes, we are. so you know what we're gonna do? we're gonna shower, shave, pop that thing on your lip, and we're gonna get us a new couple. yeah. i just say we cut our losses and go, all right? this obviously isn't the right store. doug, we were just in the wrong department, ok? you don't meet a lot of nice couples in lumber. we know that now. the paint department! now, this is a virtual meat market. all right, well, what are we looking for this time? i mean, do we necessarily have to go black? can we go back?

i don't care if they're black, white, or purple as long as they're nice. hey. how 'bout them? carrie: hmm. uh-huh. uh-huh. uh-huh. ok, i'll give them a tumble. all right. let's make our move. it's magic time. hey, hon, look at that color right there. look at that. that is nice, huh? yeah, that is nice. wow, that dutch boy knows his way around a can of paint. you know what i'm sayin'? yeah. great variety. the best. hey, you guys want to get out of here? catch a movie? what? just grab some dinner. maybe go to an olive garden. there's one by the theater. um, we actually have plans. oh. no biggie. ok. not a problem. take care now. [clears throat] the walk of shame.

what the hell was that?! do you know that you have no rap whatsoever? all right, i'm a little out of practice. but in my defense, they had plans. yeah, plans to get a restraining order. oh, hey, hey, hey. ok, now, i see some talent over there. now this time you just follow my lead. ok, but don't invite 'em to the olive garden. that's my thing. carly? alex? no. oh, i'm sorry. you look like friends of ours from the, um-- from the dog park. oh, you have a dog. 5. so, do you have a dog? a beagle. oohh. oohh. we're doug and carrie, by the way. brigitte and jon. brigitte?! oh, my god, that was my mother's name! mine, too. wow. small world, huh? yes. yes. heh heh. anyway, it was nice meeting you.

ok. you, too. ok. [chuckles] oh, doug, did you get those norah jones tickets for next weekend? yes. yeah, yeah, i did. oh, ok. yeah. norah jones. yeah, she's great. yeah. you know, we've seen her. oh, yeah? she is great. we love her. so do our moms. they do- heh heh heh heh heh. anyway, here's a crazy thought. uh, we have 2 extra tickets if you guys are interested. ok. that sounds like fun. all right. well, let me just get your number. great. we'll call you. here you go. call us. i will. just don't call us after 10:00. i don't want to wake up the kids. oh, right-o. ok. bye. damn it! kids! well, this has been a huge waste of time. well, maybe not. what about them? them? i mean, are we really that desperate? p.a.: attention, shoppers, the store will be closing in 10 minutes.

i can't believe we went out with them. [sighs] what were we thinking? i don't know. the karaoke, the jell-o shots, the line dancing... i've never felt so dirty. i need a shower. and i need this tattoo to be temporary. doug, we can't give up, ok? we've gotta get back out there. what the hell is that, a turtle biting an apple? ok, look... we've hit rock bottom. now, i'm gonna throw 2 names out at you, ok? neal and marcy. no, no, no, no, no, no. you were right. they're brutal. neal's always making those stupid toasts, and marcy's laughing like a mental patient at everything he says. yeah, but we haven't seen them in a long time. maybe they've changed. to us. not the magazine, but what the heck, that, too. right? [neal and marcy laugh]

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vidal sassoon volume. neal and i were just talking about you guys, and then we got home, and there's your message on our machine! we couldn't believe it was you. we must have listened to it 20 times. so, what have you guys been up to? well, uh, the big news is marcy and i have a new addition to the family. a baby? [laughs] no. you know neal is sterile. oh, come on, show 'em the picture, honey. you have a picture of neal being sterile? [laughs] of course not, silly. i am silly. is that a boat? yes, it is. 35 feet of seafaring fun! whoa, the envelope business has been good to you, huh? well, let's just say... oh, neal, don't. envelopes have my stamp of approval. ha ha ha! right? oh...yeah. oh, my god! you have to come out

on the boat with us. you must! must we? no, no, no. you see, the thing is-- oh, honey, look. it's the koehlers. hey. hey, marc, renee. hi, strangers. doug, carrie, this is marc and renee. we were in a book club together about a million years ago. ugh, that book club! god, what were we thinking? that was deadly. deadly. the bottom line is books suck. wow. i'm glad somebody finally had the guts to say it out loud. you know what? i'll go you one further than that. reading itself-- overrated. i mean, god gave us the miracle of television. who are we to question his plan? exactly. all marcy and i ever watch is the history channel. it's very informative. anyway... i love that jacket. oh, thanks. i got it at bloomingdale's. but you know, that sales guy, he has a real attitude. if i hadn't wanted this so badly, i would have fed him his own toupee. oh, my god, i think i met the same salesman. i've wanted to smack him myself a few times. yeah? yeah. we gotta run. we gotta run. it was nice meeting you. yeah.

oh, hey, listen. you gotta try the rib-eye special. they wrap it in bacon, and then they cook it in butter. oh! i'd eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter. we'll see you. bye. all right. so we've gotta figure out how to get these landlubbers out on the boat. oh, we have to. yeah. just have to. well, let's do it. oh, boy. let's put it together. captain neal is so cute in his hat! he hates books, carrie. how great is that?! i know. and did you see the shoes she was wearing? ja! oh! honey, we found them. we found our couple, baby! next saturday night, we go out with them. agreed? absolutely agreed. i never thought going out with neal and marcy would be a good thing. i know. if we never would have gone out with them, we never would have met, um...um... oh, my god! do you remember their names? crap.

i want to say... helen and stanley. those are the ropers! why didn't you pay attention?! i was lost in his eyes! why didn't you pay attention? oh, i was lost in her shoes. [sighs] well, now what are we gonna do? i guess we're just gonna have to get their names from neal and marcy. oh, sure. i'll just call and say, "hey, you two sicken us, but can we get the names and number of your friends?" if you think it'll work, i'm on board. hey, a toast to friends. not the show. what the heck, that, too. [both laughing] oh, carrie, that bacon-wrapped rib eye was incredible. oh, thank you. i don't know where i got that idea. i think i do. god, who was talking about rib eye...

wrapped in bacon recently? it was in cooper's. he said, "try the rib-eye special." oh, i know! neal and marcy's friends from the book club. yes! neal and marcy's friends from the book club. oh, my god! what were their names? marc and renee. marc and renee, of course. oh, gosh. what--what ya writing, car-car? oh, just a shopping list for costco. i got to remember to pick up a bag of, um, nestle miniatures. yeah. not the miniatures, get the regular size. so, marc and renee. what characters, huh? oh, yeah. yeah. i, uh, i don't envy marc growing up with a last name like that, huh? why? 'cause you know how kids tease.

i mean, they can be merciless, you know. especially when they get a name like that. koehler? yeah. you kidding me? "koehler, koehler... has an impacted molar." carrie: ha. yeah. i'll be right back. i got to get some more [mumbling]. so, doug, are those curtains new? [yawns] sorry about that. oh, no, it's ok. i was just wondering if the curtains-- [yawns] ohh! you all right? yeah. it's just i've been working the late shift and tomorrow i got to get up at like 5 a.m. we don't want to keep you up. great! great. that's great. um, ok, well, we should really say good night to-- [yawns] whoo! well, you know, we'd love to...

yeah, i'll tell her. have the two of you over. [yawns] are they gone? yep. i yawned them right into the street. doug, the koehlers aren't listed in the phone book. we need them! are you kidding me? no, i'm not kidding you. i wish i were. oh, god. they probably got unlisted because neal and marcy drove 'em away. they're so crazy. now what are we gonna do? i hate them! they ruined our lives! now we're never gonna find the koehlers. yeah. here we are, back on the couch. maybe it's not so bad us not finding another couple to hang out with, you know? just the two of us-- is that so terrible? it's like that poem, "grow old with me, the best is yet to be."

ok. come on. we're looking for an address book, a palm pilot, a matchbook with the koehlers' phone number on it-- anything. whoop! what? you got it? nope, but somebody's got eczema. doug, stop it. i'm just saying someone's got eczema. oh, i got it. i got it. they're right there. they're coming back. all right. as soon as we're out on the ocean and they're busy doing boat crap, let's get that phone number. heh heh heh! hey! let me help you with that. hey, where's yours? oh, i thought the 4 of us could share this. i was just-- i was just joking, 'cause, you know, i'm fat. doug, i care about you too much to laugh at your health issues. all right. ok, well, let's fire this baby up and get her out to sea. i want to see you guys in action. oh, well, we won't be going out.

huh? why not? well, neal failed his boating license test again. i don't know what it is. i know all the answers. i guess i just panic. but that doesn't mean we can't still have fun right here on the dock. how do you figure? well, even though neal doesn't have his license, we do have... adverbia! the game of adverbs. oh, it is the funnest word game ever. hey, you know what? we'll play. we'll all play, but then neal, marcy, you guys got to give me a tour of this bucket first. yes, you give him a tour, and i am gonna bone up on my adverbia, because i plays to win. oh ho! [all laughing] neal: here's this is what's called the main cabin. out here is where all the action is. doug: wow. oh, carrie, i found the adverbia-- uh, what are you doing, car-car? um... what's going on? oh, my god, she's robbing you.

honey, i thought we beat this. we're gonna have to move again. all right. the truth is, i was looking for marc and renee's phone number. we really hit it off with them, and we didn't want to ask you guys for their phone number because we thought your feelings would get hurt. please, please understand-- oh, no, we understand. you only pretended to like us to get to the koehlers. you prefer their company to ours, and why wouldn't you? because the koehlers, they're perfect. they're just perfect, aren't they? but you know what? you're not gonna get to be with them, because now nobody's gonna get their number. i got it, honey! is one app and two entrees for only 20 bucks.

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"oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today. excuse m me. yeah? i'm afraid i'm gonna have to ask you two to leave. apparently, you've been making some unwelcome advances to our other shoppers. you can't make us leave. we're paying customers. yeah. i'm getting drywall anchors, ok? so step off. i'm gonna need some backup in the paint department. ok, you know what? fine. let's go, honey. it smells like bacon in here. do you and the missis happen to like norah jones? captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ laugh and cry ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ tv announcer: and now back to the disney channel's exclusive presentation, aladdin 5: jafar answers the census. okay, and how many people live in your palace? um, does the bird count? does the bird live here? yes. then, yes, the bird counts. uh, okay. two. great. what is your primary source of income? um, sorcery. and a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery. yeah, i'll just put sorcery. okay. um, are you gay, straight or not sure? uh, why are you asking me this? it's just... i-i don't... i don't write the questions.

i know. it just seems a little personal. yeah, i-i understand. you're... you're free not to answer it if that's your choice. no, no, no, it's okay. you can put "not sure." all right. i'm off to paris. you guys going to be okay without me for a week? ugh. i don't know. i mean, who's going to put those three magazines in a neat stack on the coffee table? lois, i realize you're excited about going away with bonnie and all, but could i... could i not have to hear about the trip when you get back? i-i just... i know you're going to have pictures and stories, and i-i just... i-i-i just don't want to be involved in any of that mess. (knock at door) you ready to go, lois? i sure am. oh, my god, bonnie. we're going to have such a good time. i know, and it's going to be so much fun going with you. joe hates to fly 'cause they always put him underneath with the dogs. (dogs barking) indonesia better be worth it. okay. bye, everyone. kids, you mind your father while i'm gone. love you. bye, mom. bye! oh, peter, i almost forgot. here's some money for groceries and a list of the kids' schedules. the fat man in charge for a week? he's going to be in over his head.

like when he was a boxing coach. punch him! punch him again! punch him! punch him now! again! now you're getting punched! punch back! don't let him hit you! get out of the way! punch him! (bell clangs) you know what i'm going to tell you. i got to punch him... you got to punch him more. hey, you ever check joe's facebook? ugh, i know. awful. "hittin' cheesecake factory again. so amped." and then the symbol that means "wink." really? i mean, like, why... why the wink? i mean, is there... is there something that we're supposed to be in on? is he not going there? is he... is he not amped? and-and... and who cares if he is, you know? dick. coming up, our horribly outdated scams reporter, ken redowski, gets angry about a product you don't care about. digital bathroom scales! thanks, ken. this just in: there has been a confirmed outbreak of goat flu at james woods high school. goat flu? you got to be kidding me. every year, the stupid media tries to scare us with this kind of thing, and every year, it turns out to be nothing. yeah, it's nothing. i know. every year, it's nothing. well, now, hang on.

there might be something to this. health officials have said that a vaccine is not yet available. and if you're not scared yet, here's some footage of people sneezing at a salad bar. (sneezing) oh, dear. here's some footage of people licking subway turnstiles. oh. here's some footage of a man with the flu making out with you while you're asleep. oh, my god! while james woods high remains open, students are reminded to wash their hands frequently and watch for early signs of infection. oh, my god. i got to get the kids out of there. what? what are you talking about? i'm talking about homeschooling, brian. just until the crisis is over. peter, that's a complete overreaction. i don't think lois would be happy if you pulled the kids out of school. well, she left me in charge, didn't she? and besides, you know me. when i set my mind to something, i am not easily deterred. like when i tried out to be an olympic gymnast. (inhales deeply) (gun fires) you did it, peter. why'd you shoot me?