because i'm weird, creepy coach. now, let me give you inappropriate personal shower while i smoke and forbid you to see parent. this is... somebody should look into this sport. uh, i'd like to apologize for yesterday, when i assigned you lab partners. it has come to my attention that this is an english class. (knock at door) (indistinct whispering) griffin? chris, meg, i spoke to your father on the phone, and he said you needed to be removed from school. i didn't believe it was really him at first, but then i received another call from the very person who i thought was pretending to be him. it caused quite a stir in my office. come on, children. is everything all right? everything's fine. it's me. i just dressed up like your father to jazz your teachers and get you out of here.

what do you mean? i'm taking you out of here. that place is riddled with goat flu, so i'm gonna homeschool you kids. oh, okay. dad, where'd you get this car? i borrowed it from quagmire. he's not home 'cause he got abducted by aliens last night. so, do you guys just not do the anal probe anymore? is that...? no, that's more or less been retired. i see, i see. d-do you still have the thing? oh, my god, what a beautiful room. paris is so incredible. i can't believe we're really here. i know. look at all the people on the street. not a lot of people of color here, but the ones that are black are really black. i've noticed that, too. all right, i've got our whole day planned. first, we'll go to the louvre. then we'll go shopping along the champs-elysées. uh, lois, i should probably tell you i didn't come all the way here to go to museums and shops. well, i-i don't understand. why'd you even want to come here, then? lois, i came here to have an affair.

an affair? with who? anyone. my god. well, can we at least do some muppet-style sightseeing first? (accordion music playing)

easo why do you feel exso tired afterward? instead of refueled and focused, you're foggy and sluggish. it's that 2:30 feeling again. so how do you get your clear, alert feeling back? have a coffee... then another? do this instead. take one 5-hour energy. in minutes foggy and sluggish is gone... hello clear and alert. 5-hour energy. take it after lunch. be clear and alert for hours. all right, settle down. good morning, class. both: morning, dad. we're going to need a few things for this class-- an eagerness to learn, a thirst for knowledge-- but one thing we won't need is this. that's right, i know you're all used to teachers wearing tuxedos and dracula capes, but not this one. there will be no pretense in this classroom. there will only be open minds and new horizons. get ready for adventure. i know some teachers think class should be an exercise in structure, but not mr. griffin.

this is what my class will be, this! learn with me! let's teach each other! yay, learning! chris, "a." meg, "f." ah, you know, this is how you take a vacation. oh, bonnie, would you look at that? i've never seen anything like that before-- a croissant with almonds on it. and, and could you bring me a beer? oh, i feel so elegant. what are you going to have? you know what i'd really like? a piece of that. bonnie, for god's sake, stop it. lois, i already told you, i'm in paris to have an affair. i'll even do a muslim if i have to. but i just can't believe you'd throw away all those years with joe just to have some silly fling. i'm not throwing anything away. joe and i have been growing apart for a long time. besides, we've had a good run. we've been married for 80 years. you what?

well, that's in married- to-a-handicapped-guy years. go, dallas cowboys, huh? hello. excuse me? you are american, no? i very much admire your garry shandling. look, i know where you're going with this, and we're not interested, okay, so you might as well just keep moving. i'm interested. (laughing lasciviously) bonnie. would you like to sample a warm french baguette? oh, my. my intention is to void myself on you. oh, i'd almost forgotten what it's like to be romanced. come on, bonnie, we are leaving. what? look, i'm doing you a favor. my stool will sleep alone tonight. bonnie, this is insanity. promise me you'll put this whole affair thing out of your head. lois, i'm just having fun. you're playing with fire. look, no marriage is perfect, but joe's the man you gave your life to, and besides, you have a little girl. you really want to be setting this kind of example? (sighs) i guess you're right, lois. it's just that sometimes i feel

like i don't even know joe anymore. it's like i've become a different person and so has he. (american dad theme playing) ♪ good morning, usa! ♪ i got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ ♪ and he's shining a salute to the american race ♪ ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ good morning, usa ♪ good morning, usa! ♪ all right, class, this course is going to cover all the significant moments in human history, starting with the settling of the old west, where brave pioneers survived against long odds. honey, i have to go into town to get some supplies, so i'm probably going to die, but if i don't, i'll see you in 18 months with a canvas bag of salt and a tin of whale fat for the children. i've dug graves out back for all of you

in the likely event that you, too, shall perish. woman: you were a good man, abraham. please scrawl that on a rough-hewn piece of wood in my honor. i shall. the reign of henry viii. did you enjoy what i just did for you, sire? yes, very much so. wow, when this is over, i am definitely keeping her head. joseph smith discovering the book of mormon. oh, an old con ed bill-- i mean, a new testament of jesus christ; everyone has to sleep with me. what? and no dancing. but recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time. (echoing whistle) okay, tokyo. south america, australia, france. germany, u.k. (whistling) africa! (upbeat intro to "dancing in the street" featuring trumpets)

♪ calling out around the world ♪ ♪ are you ready for a brand-new beat? ♪ ♪ summer's here, and the time is right ♪ ♪ for dancing in the street ♪ dancing in chicago ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ down in new orleans ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ in new york city ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ all we need is music, sweet music ♪ ♪ sweet music ♪ ♪ there'll be music everywhere ♪ ♪ everywhere ♪ ♪ they'll be swinging, swaying, records playing ♪ ♪ dancing in the street ♪ whoa ♪ it doesn't matter what you wear ♪ ♪ just as long as you are there ♪ ♪ so come on, every guy, grab a girl ♪ ♪ everywhere around the world ♪ ♪ they'll be dancing

♪ dancing in the street ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ it's an invitation across the nation ♪ ♪ a chance for folks to meet ♪ they'll be laughing and singing ♪ ♪ and music swinging ♪ dancing in the street ♪ philadelphia, pa ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ baltimore in dc now ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ don't forget the motor city ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ on the streets of brazil ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ back in the ussr ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ no matter where you are ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ all we need is music, sweet music ♪ ♪ sweet music ♪ ♪ there'll be music everywhere ♪ everywhere ♪ ♪ they'll be swinging, swaying, records playing ♪ ♪ dancing in the street ♪ oh ♪ it doesn't matter what you wear ♪

♪ just as long as you are there ♪ ♪ so come on, every guy, grab a girl ♪ ♪ everywhere, around the world ♪ ♪ they'll be dancing ♪ dancing in the street ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ way down in l.a. ♪ every day ♪ dancing in the street ♪ dancing in the street ♪ ♪ cross in china, too ♪ me and you ♪ dancing in the street ♪ dancing in the... ♪ that happened, and we all let it happen. ah! this is such an amazing city! l-like, i could see them having a special episode of the biggest loser here! uh, lois, didn't you see i tied a tampon to the doorknob? no. what does that mean? it's what we used to do in our sorority when we had... company. company? what are you...? oh, my god. look, lois, don't make a big deal about it.

i just needed a change from joe. bonjour. lois, this is françois. (laughs) oh, you're serious.

fofofo peter: ...will be right back. okay, students, 40 of you will begin this course, but only ten of you will finish it. why is every day an introduction to the course? now i know some teachers think they're working outside the box when they have class on the lawn. well, i'm gonna take it a step further. we're gonna do peyote in the desert. (intro to the doors' "riders on the storm" plays)

oh, it's beautiful! everything is so beautiful! come dance with me, dad! soon, meg, soon. but first i must inhale. (inhales deeply) and again. (inhales deeply) and again. (inhales deeply) let's go to the hollywood hills and kill a bunch of people. oh, bonnie, if i were a skunk and you were a cat who kept repeatedly wandering into areas where there was wet paint, i would look at that stripe on your back and think you were another skunk, and i would try to rap you. and it would be legal because we are in france. oh, françois, it's like i'm in a dream. bonnie, i have something very important to ask you. what is it? i have so enjoyed your intimacy these past few days.

will you stay here with me? here? in-in paris? ugh, there you are, bonnie. i've been looking all over for you. lois, this is good timing. there's something i need to tell you. what is it? françois has asked me to stay here in paris with him. oh, my god, you're not gonna do it, are you? well, i don't know. i'm thinking about it. i-i can't believe what i'm hearing right now. you can't do this, bonnie! oh, is that right? now you're telling me what i can and can't do? i invited you on this trip to hang out while i have sex with strangers, and this is how you repay me? i'll see you back at the hotel. i apologize for my friend, françois. so, will you stay with me? well, it's tempting. paris is such a perfect city. ah, that is not entirely true. we have a lot of mime-on-mime violence.

all right, class, today's final exam will consist of two parts: oral and anal. dad, we got to go back to school, real school. what do you mean? the goat flu outbreak at school is over, and honestly, i'm afraid we're not learning anything. oh, meg, you couldn't be wronger. you're learning everything. watch. chris, dates-- battle of hastings! i don't know. franco-prussian war! i don't know. sherman's march to the sea! i don't know. cuban missile crisis! no idea. trail of tears! never heard of it. death of charlemagne! what is that? treaty of augsburg! i got nothing. cortez reaches south america! pumping a dry well. teapot dome scandal! sounds fake. september 11, 2001! also sounds fake. the bronze age! nope. king james bible! no. san juan hill! no! wounded knee! stop! great schism! dad! i'll take you back to school. oh, there you are. hurry up now, bonnie. we're gonna miss our plane. lois, i've thought a lot about this, and i'm not going with you. what?! what do you mean? i'm staying here with françois. i see. you know, i thought you might say something like this,

and that's why i called someone who might be able to change your mind. (gasps) joe, what are you doing here?! i came as soon as lois told me, bonnie. please don't do it. i'm sorry that i've been neglecting you lately, but i love you, and i need you. please come home with me. oh, joe, i'm sorry. this is so hard. think about what we have together, honey. think about our little girl. you need to come home with me. bonnie, stay with me. i promise, it will take three years with this accent before you figure out i'm just a normal jerk. bonnie, listen to me. i'm your husband. he may be your husband, but i would do anything for you. well, there's one thing he can't do. (inhales deeply) bonnie, i didn't think it would have to come to this, but i can see there's only one way left to prove my love to you.

(grunting) (whimpering) (slow, quivering breaths) joe! i don't believe it! you're walking! i am! i am! aah! i would do anything for love, but i won't do that. oh, joe, i love you! i love you so much! i love you, too, bonnie! let's go home, joe. you know what? you can keep your paris, france. i'll take quahog any day. i mean, all that place is, is skinny guys rubbing up against you in buses and subways, jabbing you in the thigh with their thing. yeah, countries is weird. but at least you helped save joe and bonnie's marriage. i know. those two lovebirds haven't left their bedroom

since we got back. (truck reverse signal beeping) (drill whirring, gear grinding) ah, romance. speaking of which, we ain't boofed in a whole week. yeah, but what about the kids? ah, they're back at school. turns out i wasn't quite the professor i thought i was. this is what my class is all about! learn with me, children! let's teach each other! chris, you know this. sherman's march to the sea! yes! finally someone gets it! ah, (bleep), children! my (bleep) elbow! oh, all the saints in christendom! my elbow's shattered! oh, it's shattered to (bleep)! somebody get the nurse! get that big, (bleep) black nurse! oh, i am so (bleep)!

just made it. [ bell chimes ] [ man ] hi, folks. looks like we're going to be here at least 15 minutes. hello, jimmy john's? someone order jimmy john's? [ tires screech ] [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online at jimmyjohns.com. [ indistinct talking on p.a. ]

order online at jimmyjohns.com. brian: closed captioning ththe employee family discount to you in part by... at h.h. gregg. you can marry me. not an option. or you could just get here by saturday. because it's the employee family prices event this week at h.h. gregg. get the family price on this lg 50 inch hdtv just 477. and this 60" led tv is only 647. this week, you pay what our families pay. plus, we've got whirlpool washers and dryers for only 394 each. you heard right. so stop calling all your cousins looking for the hook up. i'm your hook up. h.h. gregg knows the best deals, so you don't have to. d-ohh! ( screams )

captioning sponsored by twentieth century fox oh, god, i love to smoke. we're live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga, cosmic wars! and the nerds have emerged from their basements, wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight. simpsons, your lack of costumes ill-befits line positions two, three and four. where's your costume? your ignorance is amusing, and sad. i am dressed in the actual clothing worn by cosmic wars creator randall curtis. i bought them at auction, then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type. one ticket for the space show. i want to see if any of them aliens match up to the one i got in my root cellar. one ticket for cosmic wars.

uh, sir, this is the line for the momentum of things, starring ellen burstyn and jim broadbent. aw, man! i waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window! man, even i think movie popcorn has gotten too big. ow! get your own, mooch! ( whooping and cheering ) yes! finally! ( dramatic fanfare playing ) amendments?! regulatory agencies?! what the fark-bot? don't worry, they're just getting the plot out of the way so it won't slow down the... ( imitates laser fire ) ( imitates light saber ) ( imitates wookie moaning ) before the galactic senate votes, we shall call roll. star system abbotan...? here! star system acroilius...? ( alien answering in alien language )

star system trebulon prime...? whoa, mama! finally, some action! ( whirring ) mr. chairman, i propose a procedural amendment to space bill number 371. you'll wait your turn! very well. trebulon minor...? oh, i'm so bored! maybe i'll clean out my wallet. hey, my car insurance expired. quite a while ago. ( laughing ) son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang. no dy-mite! ( sobbing ) i didn't realize british coal miners had it so bad. there's blood on your hands, mrs. thatcher! ( loud snoring ) jim-jam, what happened to the wheel covers on my landing gear?

me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff. that character is just a tired stereotype. yes, and it's-a makin' a-me so mad, i'm-a gonna throw the meatballs at-a screen. but first i gotta pose for a pizza box. the decision is final. tabled, this motion is. or is it? that sucked! i can't believe the "gathering shadow" was senate redistricting! worst cosmic wars ever. i will only see it three more times. today. homer: that's it. from now on, i'm not looking forward to anything. oh, my god! tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches! i can't wait! ooh, ooh, ooh! i feel so ripped off by that crappy movie, i'm gonna chip a big hole in the floor. ( grunting ) kids, why don't you write a complaint letter?