my bad. >> renee! >> it wasn't me. i didn't do it. >> well, then who parked your '83 civic in handicapped parking? >> oh, yeah, i did do that. but do you know what? it's not fair. why do they get all the best spaces? it's not like they're crip-- okay, so they are. so what? [ telephone rings ] nurses station. please hold. i have fallen arches. does that count? >> no. >> well, it should. i'm back. who? let me see. hold on. there is some guy named ron michaels on the phone for you. >> "some guy"? he's our chief surgeon. >> oh. i'm sorry. let me act excited about that. >> could you please get up? move. thank you. hello. this is sasha. yeah. tonight? well, of course. [ laughs ]

yes, i would be delighted to oversee this year's blood drive. yeah, it'd be great. yeah, it's going to be a hit. mm-hmm. okay. all right. my pleasure. thank you for the opportunity. okay. bye-bye. renee, you're in charge of the blood drive. >> what? no. i have things to do, sasha. >> yeah, like run a blood drive. woo-hoo. after you move your car. >> look, a blood drive is a waste of time. >> not for people who are bleeding to death. >> oh, that's on me? >> you know what? maybe i should get someone who's just a little more competent. >> oh, please. don't even try. you're trying to put a little okie-doke on me. i'm not -- look, i do what i wanna do. >> well, you're not running a blood drive, are you? >> yes, i am. >> well, did you know that last year, only eight people showed up? >> yeah, that's because the coordinator was boring. >> i was the coordinator. >> i know. >> look, all of the donors got a free bowl of tapioca.

>> i'm sorry. i stand corrected. it was boring and gross. ugh! i'm gonna do so much better than that. >> yeah, right. [ chuckles ] >> did you just laugh at me? >> that wasn't a laugh. this is a laugh. [ laughs ] >> okay, i see how we're doing. okay, i see. don't touch me. i got it. i'm gonna show you. >> sasha! quick! there's a fight! there's a fight in the cafeteria! >> okay, what? you want to call security? what -- >> no, no. i'm taking bets. you have andy in pediatrics or randy in geriatrics. >> does randy have his prosthetic leg? >> well, he did. >> okay, i got 20 on him. >> yeah. >> i wonder what they're fighting for. >> oh. who knows? >> yeah. i heard that andy is sleeping with randy's candy. and took his parking spot. >> oh, that is so horrible. well, who's winning? >> andy.

randy's already bleeding. >> hmm. [ crash ] >> uh-oh. let's go see. come on. >> hey, renee. where you going? >> i'm going to get my first pint of blood. [ both laugh ] >> all right, okay, so what's your favorite movie? >> um, "soul plane." >> what? >> no, i'm just kidding. "glory." >> oh, mine, too. okay, um, favorite singer. >> male or female? >> both. >> uh, little richard. >> what? ernie. >> no. natalie cole and nat king cole. father and daughter, just like you and me. >> oh, well, let's not jump to conclusions. >> oh, come on, now. i don't need no blood test to tell me. it's clear i am your father. >> well, no, right now, we're just two people with a lot in common. >> [ chuckles ] >> hello. >> hey, miss edna. >> [ chuckles ] >> excuse me. am i interrupting?

>> no, miss edna. i was just leaving. [ chuckles ] >> well, i'll call you with the results, okay? >> okay, daughter. >> daughter? [ chuckles ] does that mean -- >> no, it doesn't mean anything. even if ernie's my biological father, mr. brown'll always be my dad. >> cora, you're not making any sense. oh, no. maybe brown is your daddy. >> oh, miss edna, now, don't make fun right now. mr. brown has been pretty low since ernie showed up. >> boy, cora, you really love that big weasel, don't you? >> yes, i do. he may be a weasel, but he's my weasel. >> what about ernie? >> well, ernie's a wonderful man. >> well, if he turned out to be your father, would you feel the same way? >> [ chuckles ] ernie is funny, he's caring, and he's smart. any girl would be proud to have him as a father. >> [chuckles]

>> cora. >> hey. >> have you seen brown? >> oh, not in the last few hours. why? >> well, i just saw him take a suitcase and put it in his car. >> a suitcase? why would he have a suitcase? >> cora, what's this? >> what's what? what is it? >> "dear cora, my one and only daughter, so i thought, with an attitude. i have decided it's best for me to run away from home. that way you can have the daddy you always deserved." >> oh, no. wait. [ chuckles ] that sounds too mature. are you sure brown wrote that letter? >> yes, i'm sure. he wrote it with a purple crayon. >> "and just to show you how much i love you, you can have them homemade cookies i cleverly hid inside the cookie jar. oh, i'm sorry. i ate them. i'm gonna miss you and..."

>> and? >> that -- that's it. >> cora. >> miss ed-- >> "p.s. edna, get out. go home. get to steppin'." >> i was just trying to -- why would he run away? [ female announcer ] shaving can irritate skin, causing dark marks to become visible. dove has the effective solution. dove® cleartone™ anti-perspirant with calendula and sunflower seed extracts. it moisturizes to help accelerate natural skin renewal processes helping skin to repair itself while still keeping you dry. the result? underarms with visibly reduced dark marks and an even tone. try dove cleartone for beautiful underarms.

try dove cleartone go olive garden. explore. find 575 calories or less on our lighter fare menu.

go fresh tossed. go fish. taste the lighter side of delicious when you go olive garden.

♪ smuggler. ♪ [ male announcer ] crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery butterfinger. nobody's gonna lay a finger on my butterfinger. no ninjas. >> whoo! hey, donors.

welcome to club red. we are halfway to our goal. ♪ o negatives in the house >> ♪ oh, yeah >> ♪ o positives in the house >> ♪ oh, yeah >> cool. so we're gonna form two lines, 'cause we're almost to our goal. come on, negatives. i can't hear you! >> whoo! >> so the group that donates the most blood gets coupons to ms. pearline's catfish kitchen and notary public. get some law with your slaw. >> ah, yes. here we go. anderson plus two. you can head right over here to the "d" section. >> excuse me. excuse me. >> ah-ah-ah-ah! sasha, i cannot let you in v.i.p. your name is not on this guest list. >> well, if you don't let me in, your name won't be on any of our paychecks. >> oh, i just found it right here, under "very pushy head nurse." go right ahead.

>> thank you. renee! >> sasha! who let you in v.i.p.? >> what is going on in here? and who are all these people? >> they're blood donors. >> oh, really? and how'd you find them all? >> i put up a flyer at the check-cashing place. hey, hey-hey. no, no, no, no, no. you can't go to room 301. that's a one-pint minimum. people always trying to break the rules. >> speaking of breaking the rules, renee, you know you could lose your job over this? >> why? for being successful? >> no, for breaking too many codes. >> well, i think they should fire my supervisor. >> yeah, copy that. renee, i'm looking for a bloody mary. >> you are not serving alcohol in here! >> oh, please, don't get your granny panties all in a bunch. a bloody mary is somebody who donates the most blood. >> yeah. oh, there she is. oh, there she goes. >> oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! before she passed out, she ordered the two-piece catfish and a summons notarized. handle that. >> we are all so fired.

>> okay, come on, you guys. this is a party. >> ♪ and ain't no party like a blood-drive party 'cause a blood-drive party don't stop ♪ >> whoo! >> well, at some point, it does. >> uh, what the what? >> hey, mr. "b." what's going on? come on in. >> is this a juke joint or a hospital? well, it don't matter, 'cause i just ran away from home. i'm just here to get my check. >> ah-ah. got a new policy. no one gets paid unless they donate some blood. >> i tell you what, if i don't get my check, i'm gonna be donating your blood. >> oh, looks like a "o" positive to me. >> oh, i'm positive i'm not donating no blood today for sure. >> come on, mr. brown. don't be a dud. give me some blood. >> come on, derek, don't be a jerk and y'all give me my money for my work. >> oh, come on, you guys. let's cheer brown on. >> ♪ go brown, go brown ♪ go brown, go brown ♪ go brown, go brown ♪ go brown, go brown >> hey!

i'm allergic to needles. i can't give no blood. i'm not doing that. >> ♪ go brown, go brown ♪ go brown, go brown ♪ go brown, go brown >> uh, now what? >> uh, one pint. >> get him up. >> get your hands out of my pockets. no, madea, i don't want you to kiss me. no! >> mr. brown. >> no, don't kiss me. please. aah! >> mr. brown. >> cora. cora, is that you? >> yes. >> ooh, i just so -- i'm so disney. i just felt like i died and went to heaven. >> hello, brown. >> ah, who left the gate open? >> oh, shut up before i take another pint of blood out of you. >> cora, how much did they take, cora? felt like they cut off my arm. help me.

>> okay. all right. here you go. here you are, mr. brown. >> what's this? >> that's the results from the dna test. sasha ran the test when you passed out. >> oh. cora, am i your daddy? >> mr. brown... >> cora, don't tell me. i don't wanna know! if i'm not your daddy, who's gonna love me? who's gonna love me like you? >> mr. brown! >> nobody. >> i'll always love you. you'll always be my daddy. >> well, cora, the envelope is still sealed. you didn't look at it? >> mr. brown, i don't need no dna test to tell me something i already know. you've been the person who's taken care of me and loved me through thick and thin. >> oh. cora, you mean that? >> yes, i mean that, mr. brown. you know, there's a saying -- "you like people for who they are, but you love them for what they're not." >> you know, i-i don't understand nothing you just said. you said you love people for what they're not and who they is, and if you do -- >> mr. brown, it just means that -- >> that's dumb. >> well, it just means that there's a lot of you to love.

>> thank you, cora. you know, cora, you gonna always be my daughter. i don't care what they say. you -- i don't need no cnn, no tlc, no tbs and no tbycu or icu and no tna to tell me you my daughter. [ doorbell rings ] i don't need to know. i don't need. >> i'll get the door. >> you my daughter. >> hey, ernie. come on in. >> thank you, cora. >> ernie, i got something to show you. right here. hold on, let me see first. yes! you are not the father. right there. bam. on ya. on ya. >> i knew it! i knew it! >> 99.999. boom! blow him up. boom. you not the daddy. 99-- what is you? not the daddy. >> well, that's a shame. 'cause i was gonna leave you everything i got. >> like what? >> like 8 shopping malls and 14 apartment buildings.

>> shut up. what? what? >> what -- wait. you're ernie wilson the real-estate mogul? >> you've heard of me? >> yes, i've heard of you! everybody know you. you're one of the richest guys here in atlanta! >> uh, in the country. >> oh. all right. >> uh, cora brown, i'm -- i'm sorry to put y'all through this. >> oh, hold it right there, daddy. are you stinkin' rich or filthy rich? >> filthy stinking. good day. >> good day. >> wait, wait, hold up. we both can be the daddy. you ain't got to go nowhere. we can share joint custody. you take her monday through friday and bring her back. you ain't even have to bring her back. cora, what you standing there for? come help me get your daddy. wait! >> see ya. same time next year. tell your friends. >> no, don't tell anyone. this was a once-in-a-lifetime event. >> party pooper. >> renee, how am i gonna explain this to dr. michaels? >> you tell him the truth.

>> oh, what -- that i let you have a party in the hospital? >> no. it wasn't a party. it was a blood drive. >> oh, yeah, like he's really gonna believe me. >> he'll believe you when you tell him we collected 188 pints of blood. >> that's 180 more than last year. renee, this is fantastic. >> i know. >> ah! ha ha! >> i'm better than you. >> hey, what's going on? party's over? >> derek, it wasn't a party. it was a blood drive. >> oh, in that case, blood drive at the frat house. >> hey, these two didn't give. >> oh, don't worry. they will. that's right. two pints. >> mm-hmm. >> hey, same time next year. >> ah. >> and don't forget to tell your friends. yay! >> what happened to "once in a lifetime"? >> maybe we can bend the rules sometimes. renee, it's for a good cause. it's okay. >> i knew it! you are a rebel at heart.

>> that's right, renee. i am a rebel. whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! >> don't do that. [ muttering ] >> renee, you're not gonna help me? >> no. i can't. derek is my ride. yeah, my car got towed out of the handicapped zone. can you believe some people? ugh.

>> so, uh... you and madea, huh? >> yup. you and madea, huh? >> yeah. so, are you still having them late-night sweats and, uh, uh, having nightmares? >> yeah. you? >> yeah, especially late night. how'd she get you in the car? >> gin. how'd she get you? >> [ clears throat ] bacon. yes, she started putting bacon in the back of the seat. said, "brown" -- she knew i liked bacon and she... [ crying ] >> oh, no. okay, brown.

it's all right. >> can i have one of your apartment complexes? >> uh, no. >> get off of me.

hey, check it out. a snow cone machine. a snow cone machine? no, you're sayin' it wrong.

it's a snow cone machine. when an undeliverable package goes 6 months without being claimed by the sender or the sendee, the driver gets to keep it. and you just happened to land a snow cone machine? i'm smellin' foul play. where can i put this bad boy? no, no, no! i don't have any counter space. come on, what is this thing? that's the breadmaker. bye-bye. come on! you love bread! yeah, and if i was coming home to fresh-baked bread every night, or even once, you'd have a point. oh, like you're gonna make snow cones every day? actually, you probably will. ok. give it to me. i'll find room for it in the crap cabinet. hey, fella. this is your new home. welcome to counterville. this is mayor mcsink. uh, doug? i just found your old milk shake machine. oh. we're gonna have to move the toaster.

captioning made possible by sony pictures television unwrap your paradise. soft, sweet coconut covered in rich, creamy chocolate. almond joy and mounds. unwrap paradise. eat right, not less. [ woman ] hi! this looks interesting! what's going on here? would you like to try some hot cereal? [ women ] sure! [ female announcer ] introducing special k nourish hot cereal. special k? wow! wow! [ female announcer ] made with superfoods... [ woman ] there's, uh, quinoa, barley. i can definitely taste the quinoa. good! i can't believe that's less than 200 calories. [ female announcer ] ...to help you truly shine. this is a way to be good to me. [ female announcer ] nurturing yourself. what will you gain when you lose? it also repels most ticks before they can attach. the leading brand kills, but doesn't repel.

a tick that isn't repelled or killed may attach and make a meal of us. get veterinarian recommended k9 advantix ii! how great is blue? may attach and make a meal of us. hey, butch. you're the reason i'm doing this. you wanna get involved here? do i look like i have a free hand? douglas, i'd like to show you something... in private... for men's eyes only. this can't end well. what do you think of this? it's a randy cartoon i plan to submit to playboy. ok. it's a boss chasing his secretary around the desk, and the caption reads, "why, mr. hinklemeyer, i thought you said dictation." dictation, douglas. right. which one's the woman?

right here. you can tell by her ample bosom. that's bosom? i thought that was a lamp. why's the guy have a tail? he doesn't. those are lines of whooshing to indicate movement. i think you need to work on it a little bit more. and i think you need to work on being less of a fat lummox. ok, then i guess we both got things to do. hey, i can't believe all the stuff i'm finding in here! where did we get a menorah? oh, yeah. that's from work. i drew goldstein in the secret santa. and look at this. a gravy boat. oh. actually, this was a wedding gift. "from ron and moesha." that's ron and marcia, my third cousins. remember, you met them at the wedding? she's always talkin' about her kids, and then it turns out that her kids are actually cats. not ringin' a bell. what's his deal? oh, he's worse. you ask him a question, he takes a good minute and a half

starin' at you before he answers. you don't know whether to jump in or go get a beer. wait a second. there's something in here. what? it's a check! for $1,500! for who? for us! ron and marcia must have stuck it in the gravy boat. we never saw it because we never used it. $1,500? why would your third cousins give us such a huge gift? i don't-- i don't know. i know he made a lot of money real young, and he always loved my parents. he helped my dad get back on his feet. what do you mean? what happened? i don't know. i guess at some point my dad was off his feet, and ron helped him back on. so you have no idea? no, i don't. when i was a kid, that's all they'd ever tell me, that cousin ron helped dad get back on his feet, and cousin jeffrey was a confirmed "bachelor." $1,500! oh, my god! what should we do with the money? i don't know! how much do the mets cost? i know! let's do that trip to new orleans!

yes! let's go to new orleans! or, as the locals call it, nawlins. yeah, that's the way you should say it. that's the cool way: nawlins. yeah! we're goin' to nawlins. yeah! and this is the magic carpet ride to take us there. wait a second... what? this check is from '95. so? you think the bank is gonna take it? yeah, of course. just stick it in with the other checks. make a joke or something. they won't notice. yeah, that's true. i'm good at charmin' the service people. i like to get down to their level. honey, you are on their level. not anymore, sister! teller: next person in line, please. [clears throat] how can i help you? well, uh, lee-anne, i'm just, uh, gonna deposit a couple checks, paychecks, et cetera... nothin' unusual... boring. ok. so, uh, lee-anne, that's a... that's a nice name. you get a lot for your money. it's like your parents said, "well, we like lee, "we like anne. what the hell. let's go with both!" ha ha ha!

i'll see you next time! bye-- uh, sir, we have a little problem here. hmm? well, you know what? you're good at your job. i'm sure you can handle it. have a great weekend! sir? checks are only valid for one year, and this one's dated 1995. oh, oh, no, that one's-- it's from my cousin, so it's fine. he's so cool with it. he's a good guy, all right? i'm sorry. we can't accept it. but i was very nice to you about your name. sorry. there's nothing i can do. this is why you're all being replaced by atms. mmm. [slurps] i suppose you're wondering why i invited you over for snow cones. a little. draw me a parrot. why? i got a cartoon idea for playboy, but i'm weak in the art department. word on the street is you like to doodle. let's see what you got.

a parrot. ok. hmm... sweet corn, i feel like i'm in an aviary! you're hired. well, uh, what's your idea? prepare to be delighted. dictation. did you ever? hey, i got us a great fare to nawlins on the internet, and i got us a suite-- that's right, a suite-- at "la french something" hotel. yeah, we're not goin'. the bank wouldn't take the check. what? what are you talkin' about? i thought you were gonna charm the teller. i--i tried. i did a whole thing with her name: lee-anne... oh, my god, the two-names-in-one thing again? it's funny! no, it's not funny, honey. ok, if it was funny, we'd have $1,500 in cash right now.

and i was really into this trip, too! why don't we just call these ron and marcia people and just have them write us another check? no, no. i can't do that. why not? because at our wedding, ron made a big deal about how we should call him and get together to hang out. that was 6 years ago! what am i supposed to do, call him up: "hey! cut me another check, would you, freaky?" you've done far worse just for a sandwich. look, i'm sorry, but of all the people in the world, i can't offend him. sure you can! carrie, he helped my dad get back on his feet! well, apparently he was tryin' to get us back on our feet, too! we just didn't let him. give the man a chance! no, i-- i can't do it! [sighs] ok. all right. ok, ok. how about this? we invite them over for dinner just to reestablish credibility, absolutely no mention of the check. mm-hmm. and then, like, a week later, they'll reciprocate, and then after that, when we're all good friends again, we have them over where i cook something that needs...

what? gravy, hon! gravy! oh! ok. all right. anyway, anyway, ok, ok. we pull out the gravy boat, where we... accidentally discover the check, and they'll just write us a new one. what do you think? ok. that's good. but no gravy the first time. no gravy. gravy bad. yeah, gravy bad. what's the matter? why do you still look concerned? i'm just tryin' to wrap my head around this. usually, gravy good. marcia: so, i've got all 3 kids in the tub at the same time, right? get this. my youngest decides it's time to learn about splashing. forget about it! i'm wearing silk, like an idiot. it was such a crazy mess, i'm thinking of getting them all declawed. don't cats bathe themselves? huh? cats--don't they bathe themselves? i thought that was their big selling point. oh, but bath time is so good for bonding, carrie.

believe me, when you have kids, you'll know. ok. so, ron, how you doin'? i'm good, doug. i'm--i'm good. great. great. uh, ron's a big jet fan. he has season tickets and everything. you still a jet fan, ron? [whispering] pass the salt. ok, here. ok, thank you. yes, i am. i am, doug. but i wish he'd give up those season tickets. he's never home! the kids barely know him anymore. they're in bed with us every night, marcia. i think they know me better than any cat should know a man. oh! trust me. he loves it when they touch him. who wants gravy? uh... we don't need gravy now. oh, sure we do. sure we do! no. really, everything's very moist and succulent, right, ron?