thank you, frank. tonight on "america's funniest home videos"... tell your friends and your arch enemies... this one's a real catch. we're gonna take you in a different direction. so don't be left out in the cold. [ barks ] [ screeches ] come on in and see what we bring to the table. aah! tonight on "afv's" halloween show. and now, the host who's so good it's scary, tom bergeron!

[ cheers and applause ] thank you! welcome! welcome to you at home to "afv," the halloween episode. you know, halloween was really one day of the year i was allowed to do everything my parents told me not to do -- stay out late, dress like a ballerina... [ laughter ] not only could i talk to strangers i could take candy from them. it's the greatest of all pagan rituals. here's how to make o of candy last all night. [ cackles ] aah! aaahh! man: now you know how a turtle feels. [ woman laughs ]

let me ask you, are the other kids really gonna recognize a marlon brando costume? blah-la-la-la-la-la! blah-la-la-la-la-la- la-la-la-la-la! woman: what are you, christopher? [ snap ] you're a cowgirl. you're a cute cowgirl. bergeron: why just give the kids candy when you can give them candy and a terrifying nightmare? aaahh! [ belches ]

i guess instead of lamaze, they're just gonna scoop her out. he's defeated the penguin and the catwoman. can he stand up to the wiener dog? [ barks ] [ whining ] here's a pumpkin that throws itself away. this is what you call gallows humor. hah! aah! [ laughs ] aah! aaahh! aah! aaahh! [ cheers and applause ]

the older i get, the less i tend to plan things. that's because the older i get the more i forget what i planned in the first place. here are some people. the only part of their plan that worked was getting on our show. [ hums "happy birthday" ] let's get away from halloween for a moment. after all, there are 364 other days to celebrate. aah! ♪ and many more ♪ [ laughter ] i don't know why you'd want to be the best in the world at this... but i can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be the second best.

oh, excuse me. i said i wanted my steak on a platter. rather than a long lecture on the birds and the bees mom just sent sarah out to the birth simulator. ted's not the sharpest tool in the shed. in fact, he's not even allowed in. ah! [ giggles ] odie can't decide if he wants to go in or stay out. you know what he needs?

a doggy door. [ cheers and applause ] there's something about having a squirrel in your yard that makes you feel good. for a lot of us, it's the closest we get to actual nature, and yet, what can be so cute frolicking in the backyard has a whole different flavor when it ends up on your side of the window. woman: wait till dad's is dad coming in right now? he won't be gone very long. yeah, when you lifted it up, you could see the bushy tail. this is just ridicu-- oh, there he is! aah! aah! otis, get him! get him, otis, get him! get him! otis! otis! over here! over here! open the door so he'll go out.

aah ha ha ha! [ shrieks ] otis. aah! [ laughs ] jeff, something's gonna get broke! something is... jeff, jeff, something's gonna get broke. okay, that's enough. jeff: no, no, i'll catch him. oh! dad's picture. dad's picture. dad's picture. jeff, he'll bite you. don't let him bite. i won't. i'm only in the door, jeff. jeff, he went upstairs now! he's been upstairs before. aah!

aah! otis, keep him away from the door! aah! [ laughs ] [ cheers and applause e ] don't go away. we've got recycling tips. when "afv" returns. we are the house when it comes to the big game. yeah. it's his thing.

i don't even participate. boom! here it comes! bring it back! bring it home! [ male announcer ] when you combine creamy velveeta with zesty rotel tomatoes and green chilies you get a bowl of queso that makes even this get-together better. new trident layers juicy berry + tangy tangerine is a thrilling, dual-flavored ride to mouth fun-town. but it's not like everyone is going to break into a karaoke jam session. ♪ ♪ this will literally probably never happen. here to clean the toilet? no. that's

nasty. not anymore. [ male announcer ] scrubbing bubbles toilet cleaning gel prevents limescale buildup and rings with every flush. nice work. now if he'd only put the seat down. [ male announcer ] toilet cleaning gel. [ female announcer ] sc johnson. [ male announcer ] the american garage. the temple of the tune-up. the taj mahal of overhaul. more of them count on autozone parts than ever before. but parts are just part of what we do. our trusted advice and helping-hands approach is everywhere. so whether it's his place... her place... or the pro's place parts are just part of what we do. ♪ get in the zone ♪ autozone.

[ cheers and applause ] every parent's proud of their children. as the father of two future nobel prize-winning supermodels, i can relate but some parents go overboard. oh, did you see timmy? he breathed through his nose. he's so smart. well, not everything your kids do is momentous, but that doesn't mean you can't brag about them. you know his handicap? he wears a diaper. he'd yell "fore," but he can't count that high. woman: hi, lacey! there. that's all i want for christmas. like baby, like daddy. oh, how sweet.

the mackenzies have lived in this neighborhood for five years and cindy has yet to make it to the top of this hill. man: hey, jordan. you ready to go? yep. aw, you're not gonna believe what just happened. what? a bird pooped on our windshield. oh, my god. will you do me a favor? will you clean it up for me? okay. there's a napkin. no! not like that. no! not that like that. you gotta dab it up. it's too late now. i'll get it. that's all right. no! it's bird poop, jordan. just wait.

[ muffled ] ...dared me. who dared you? you know, when they ordered the boy, they thought he'd come in a crate. i about got it. come on, get outta there. hold on, now. [ grunting ] you okay? uh-huh. woman: how about that? we should cover up your little... you really should see the -- see the -- they brought him in and took -- or we saw him in the nursery and they had his diaper off. he's got the biggest [bleep] you ever saw. they're just voluptuous. and we're talking about you. i shouldn't say that.

[ cheers and applause ] oh, yeah. this is gonna sound like i'm making it up. i swear to you i'm not. this year marks the 75th anniversary of the invention of television by a man named philo t. farnsworth. it also marks the 75th anniversary of the first joke making fun of philo t. farnsworth. to commemorate both these anniversaries and to inspire future farnsworths, we dedicate the following. did you know the raccoon's the master of the double i'll admit it's heartwarming to see her cutting her son's hair in a "hollywood squares" pattern.

i'll take the left ear to block. [ laughs ] man: here we go. he's getting nervous 'cause we're about to try the bouncy flip. all right, you ready for it? we're gonna try the bouncy flip. all right, he's all ready. i'm gonna set the camera here so everybody can see. see the flip. don't worry, folks it's not what you think. they used a stunt baby. ...one! hey, there he goes. let's go see how he did. how was it? it was fake. how was it? did you like your flip? all right, that's it, you two. visiting hours are over. [ barks ] [ screeches ]

coming this fall -- "lady and the tramp...oline." [ barking ] powell! oohhh! oh-ho! let's play alligator. let's do what? let's play alligator. how do you play alligator? aaahh! aah! whoa! mama! [ high-pitched voice ] hi, i'm his father. there's a big difference between the professional wrestling you see on tv and actual competitive wrestling. i learned this the hard way when i showed up for my high school tryouts in a gold cape and a spider-man mask.

well, this next kid is smarter than that. he knows wrestling and, more important, he knows how to avoid it. [ whistle blows ] man: get him! get him! get him! [ cheers and applause ]

i-i just -- now, this is just me but i would not try to pin somebody walking like this 'cause it looks like they should be in another room altogether. now, we are excited tonight 'cause we have a moby song to play for you. you may know he's in a bit of a feud with eminem and if you're watching and i'm sure you are we're not taking sides here. moby's agent just got back to us quicker. [ moby's "bodyrock" plays ]

now, every show about this time, "america's funniest home videos" will continue in a moment here on abc. cbo. cheddar... bacon...onion. yeah it's a... it's threemendous. ♪ ♪ threemendous. ♪ ♪ threemendous. [ male announcer ] say hello to mcdonald's new... [ basketball announcer ] threemendous! [ male announcer ] cbo. smooth cheddar, crispy bacon grilled onions on the angus third pounder or premium chicken sandwiches. cbo... the simple joy of... threemendous. yeeeah.

i'm starving. i'm starving. teens have an endless appetite. now you have endless ways to keep them satisfied. tyson any'tizers snacks, now in this bold new look and in these tasty varieties. all delicious ways to hold 'em over until dinner. teen: thanks, mom. here to clean the toilet? no. that's nasty. not anymore. [ male announcer ] scrubbing bubbles toilet cleaning gel prevents limescale buildup and rings with every flush. nice work. now if he'd only put the seat down. [ male announcer ] toilet cleaning gel. [ female announcer ] sc johnson. [ male announcer ] when was the last time something made your jaw drop? campbell's has 24 new soups that will make it drop over and over again. ♪ ♪ from jammin' jerk chicken, to creamy gouda bisque. see what's new from campbell's. it's amazing what soup can do. so i switched my car insurance to state farm... saved $480 bucks. you know what that is? yeah. don't

say it. so you know what it is right? yeah, yeah, don't. that's a lot of dough! ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] switch and you could save $480 bucks with state farm. go! go now for olive garden's new dinner today dinner tomorrow. two dinners for two nights just $12.95. choose one of five entrees tonight. then take home a different entrée for tomorrow. two nights of deliciousness for just $12.95! go olive garden. [ cheers and applause ] i know it's halloween, but the whole notion of trick-or-treat has always seemed a little weird when you really sort of dissect it. you approach a stranger, demand they give you something. if they don't, you vandalize their property.

isn't that the philosophy behind organized crime? halloween is just extortion fueled by candy. i like his costume. he went as a boy. trick-or-treat. [ growls ] aah! guests of the "afv" halloween show fly wicked witch airlines. if you don't use your frequent flyer miles they burn them at the stake. oh, look, the dog's going as a baby this year. say what you want.

the kids don't give any lip to this babysitter. every halloween, the hendersons harness up the baby and let the good times roll. look. look at yourself. look. [ cries ] quick, put a happy spell on yourself. you're being a witch, honey. you're being a witch. no, you riddle me this. ooh, right in the little joker.

every so often i'll notice that one member of the audience or another seems a little distracted, seems a little preoccupied. they might not be enjoying the show as much as they should otherwise, and you looked that way at first, and i was asking if you were ticklish and you said, what? you said yes, you are. so let's watch her enjoy the show much more right now. no! no! no! [ laughs ] no, no! she'll like this, too. she's headed for the summer games and on her way, she can drop her friend at the hospital. they're called shoulder blades but they can also be used as a blunt instrument.

[ rhythmic slapping ] there are lyrics to this song. it goes... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! poor little guy. his wheel's been in the shop for a month. when he was told dinner was on the house bob could hardly contain his glee.

♪ see thee more clearly ♪ ♪ love thee more dearly ♪ bergeron: you've heard of destiny's child. this is destiny's mother. ♪ day by day ♪ ♪ day by day ♪ [ music stops ] ♪ day by day ♪ ♪ oh, dear lord... ♪ [ music resumes ] ♪ these things i pray ♪ ♪ to see thee more clearly ♪ ♪ love thee more dearly ♪ [ cheers and applause ] i'm not sure who came up with it, but i have never understood the term "mother nature." what mother would wipe out a trailer park with a tornado, dump 30 inches of snow on her kids? that sounds more like "crazy uncle" nature or "evil stepmother" nature. whoever it is, here they are hard

at work. how about checking for the newspaper? man: okay. they say no man is an island but this couple is. i can do that. whoa! looks like the paper's gonna be wet this morning. dang! we must've had some rain last night. here's proof that god hates potty humor. boy: dad, look. dad! dad, look. watch me fart. [ imitates farting ] [ thunder crashes ] [ all screaming ] i saw lightning! i saw lightning! towel, towel, towel, sock, sock, underwear, sock, sock, underwear...

frog. oh, sure -- street shoes aren't allowed on the basketball court, but this is just fine. imagine how much fun they could have on a nice day. woman: what's on your behind -- backside? call her to you, debbie. debbie: come on. come here, dolly. [ laughs ] oh, they had him fixed. it just didn't take. ♪ jingle bells ♪ ♪ jingle all the way ♪ all right. okay. picture this -- it's your wedding day. the sun is shining. the sky is blue. the weather's perfect. you got it? good. now forget everything i just said.

here's a wedding day that was nothing like that. it's not gonna be natural. [ thunder crashes ] i understand your wedding day can be nerve-racking but i think this bride is a little tightly wrapped. maybe she just wants to stay fresh for the honeymoon. my dress is coming down. in lieu of rice, the wedding party should throw sponges. let the party begin. coming up -- a case of puppy love. [ laughter ]

and find out what forbidden video lurks inside the naughty file when "afv" returns. martin: old navy has a bold idea for fall. the little black dress is going green and blue. pour on the color and let's paint the town purple. get ready for ravishing red and pretty pink. but wait, what do the fashion critics think? mario: love it! joan: me too! what's happening to us? mario: ahhh, we're being nice! ma rtin: little bold dresses from just $19. girls from 15. old navy. come fun, come all! let's test it. [ whirring ] cheese me. [ beeps ] [ beeps ] ohh! ohh! [ whistles ] i can live with it. yeah, i can, too. [ male announcer ] take a cheetos break with cheetos. [ female announcer ] dove gosleeveless presents the latest thing to wear with beautiful tops. beautiful underarms. wear with halter tops,

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[ cheers and applause ]

as you watch these next clips see if you can hear the secret messages embedded in the audio. and then if you do call a good shrink because there aren't any secret messages embedded in the audio. trying to find a new boy band -- you really have to shake the trees. [ laughing ] the latest status symbol -- lawn carpeting. but have it installed by a professional. man: whoa! woman: where's brandon?! i want mommy to read it. most kids love to see grandma on their birthday, but not cindy.

she can be bought off. whatever you do, try to keep your dog from borrowing money from the mob. skiers are always complaining about snowboarders. now they have one less to complain about. ugh! people think ferrets are messy... not this one. woman: up. good job. i am usually not a big proponent of toilet humor. i've always thought we should aim for something a little higher. but as it turns out, i'm wrong.

we're right where we should be -- l. leleleleleleenenenenenenenenen woman: kyle, w w w w you do to the toilet? did you put pooh in the toilet? uh-huh. uh-huh? you know, pooh's stuck in the toilet now. daddy has to fix it. there's tigger. oh, man! there's pooh in the toilet! ew! [ shouting indistinctly ] it's too gruesome! pooh, piglet and two... here at "afv," we have come up with a multitude of categories

for the judgment challenge -- a goofball glossary, if you will. these next people are listed under the letter "b." just before the bozos come the blockheads. a lot of guys have hoop dreams. here's one starting right now. [ man laughing ] the only way to eliminate employee theft is to eliminate employees. everyone in this village is usually very supportive but today they all came out to see bobby fail. i was always locking myself out of my apartment, until i got the new forklift 2000.

[ indistinct shouting ] summer camp's a great place to meet new friends -- hopefully ones who know cpr. they say the french space program is one of the best in the world. i think it's overrated. aah! aah! halloween -- it's different for everybody. for kids, it's a night to act crazy and have fun. for adults, it's an evening of constant interruptions by door-to-door beggars. for animals -- i'm not sure what they're thinking, except maybe, "take this stupid costume off me." 9 lives...5 outfits.

after "men in black ii," frank's career really plummeted. [ bleating ] eventually, they'll have to take the costume off the goat when it fills up with cheese. man: get him, dinosaur. man: he's not getting anything. guess which 2 aren't fake. [ woman shouting indistinctly ] [ laughter ] [ growls ] what's that old saying?

candy is dandy but if you touch mine, you'll pull back a bloody stump. [ growls ] give me that. so this is the african killer bee everyone's worried about. [ girl laughing ] it's a weimar raptor. man: come here, buddy. [ laughs ] [ roars ] come here, buddy. all right, this next assignment, america, is not for you humans so you can get a snack now. it is for your pets. dogs, cats, birds, budgies listen up. do you do any silly tricks -- ride a bicycle use a hula-hoop, shoot pool?

we want to see these silly pet tricks. have your human tape you and your furry or feathered little face could be adored by millions. @úppxx "america's funniest home videos" will continue in a moment here on abc. hey, guys. teen: hey, mom. i'm starving. chips. nice! teen: i'm starving. let's see what we got here. crackers! yo! oh, i'm starving. oh! yep, cookies. end the constant snacking with tyson any'tizers boneless buffalo wyngz. oh, yeah! made with all-white meat they're the warm protein-packed way to hold 'em over until dinnertime. these are awesome. also available in these delicious varieties in a bold new look. teen: thanks, mom. wooohooo....hahaahahaha! oh...there you go. wooohooo....hahaahahaha! i'm gonna stand up to her!

no you're not. i know. you know ronny folks who save hundreds of dollars switching to geico sure are happy. how happy are they jimmy? happier than a witch in a broom factory. get happy. get geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. [ crunching ] get down! [ people clamoring woman screams ] this is a stickup! well, that's too bad. we're on our break. just put the money in the bag! what part of the word "break" do you not understand, sir? maybe one of the other tellers can help you. ♪ ♪ [ chester cheetah ] on your way. [ male announcer ] take a cheetos break with cheetos.

[ male announcer ] the american garage. the temple of the tune-up. the taj mahal of overhaul. more of them count on autozone parts than ever before. but parts are just part of what we do. our trusted advice and helping-hands approach is everywhere. so whether it's his place... her place... or the pro's place parts are just part of what we do. ♪ get in the zone ♪ autozone.

i happen to believe that everybody has a mean streak in them somewhere. i don't care who they are. i'm sure occasionally on halloween mother teresa felt like holding candy above her head making the kids jump for it. but, you know, she probably didn't act on it. having a mean streak doesn't make you a bad person. it's when you get proactive with it, that's the problem. looks like chris woke up on the wrong side of the rail this morning. chris! [ laughs ] among its other dangers, smoking can cause heart attacks.

aaahhh! aaahhh! this is the least popular book in the series -- "curious george visits you in your sleep." aah! aah! aah! woman: there's a little baby bird. i predict birds of a feather will attack trevor. ooh, there's the mama. there's the mama bird. woman: can i have a before-and-after, please? ooh! excuse me. i just wondered -- [ laughs ] i can't believe -- okay.

i wanted your recipe. give me the recipe, please. here, you want a close-up? i can't -- watch out for the camera. you got stuff on the camera. the camera?! my privacy! seriously! come on! come on! get out! out! you look beautiful now even now -- before. [ cheers and applause ] i'm aware that some of you may look at me and think i have a pretty easy gig. the truth is, what i do is very demanding. in fact, it's the toughest hour i have all week, except for my massage. [ laughter ] well, that's 2 hours. so watch these and remember -- we're all in this together. you ready? are you ready? one for the money, two for the show three to get ready... and four to close the day care. four to go!

who says it's good to have a skinny ass? i don't know why we bring bill on the boat. every time he's such a jerk. 479 ways to hurt yourself on a trampoline... and counting. aah! aah! huh. he must be a miniature "pantser."

close the curtains. lock the doors. the squeamish should look away. it's time for the naughty file. hey, look, he's got a taillight out. man: this isn't funny. [ laughs ] you don't want him to turn around. you know what i'm saying? [ laughs ] i am very proud of tonight's show, and you know why? we have made it through the entire halloween episode without playing "the monster mash" even once! yes! so here's a new theme song for all of you halloweenies.

woman: we're now leaving the island to go and catch our ferry back to -- aaahhh! aaahhh! aaahhh! aaahhh! raah! aaahhhh! aah! aah! aah! raah! aah! raah! aah! aah! aah! [ woman gasps ] aah! aah! aah! aah! aaahhh! [ man laughing ] aah! golf ball, baseball... football, basket-- aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah!

aah! aah! aah! aah! aaaahhhh! aah! [ laughs ] did i get you? all right, three of the clips on tonight's show have rung our doorbell and we've invited them in. the rest will have to wait outside. our nominees are -- "the caped evader," sent in by kenny and sandy cook from jackson, georgia. he's defeated the penguin and the catwoman. can he stand up to the wiener dog? [ barks ] "home-wrecking rodent," sent in by bonnie and keith maier from lincoln, nebraska. woman: this is just ridicu-- oh, there

he is. aah! aah! jeff, something's gonna get broke! aah! jeff: otis, keep him away from the door. aah! [ laughs ] and "lightning dolt," sent in by doreen and carlos hernandez from morgantown, north carolina. boy: dad, look. dad! dad, look. watch me fart. [ imitates farting ] [ thunder crashes ] [ all screaming ] all right, we're gonna put our studio audience to work. now time to vote. who will win the $10,000? will it be "the caped evader"... [ barks ] "home-wrecking rodent"... woman: jeff, something's gonna get broke! or "lightning dolt"? [ imitates farting ]

[ thunder crashes ] find out when "afv" returns. looks like there's an opening for shipping coordinator. and i've got to pick someone. tough decision. [ thinking ] okay, you can be a rising star, or... but you just ordered a crispy mcchicken and a fresh-brewed sweet tea for only a buck each off mcdonald's dollar menu, so you're smart, right? nah, i got nothing. smart man. two 7s. oh, oh, ho! oh, wow. the fox strikes again! the fox strikes again! he's always striking! [ male announcer ] the simple joy of being smart.

let's see if we can get one past the defense. hut! go! here it comes! right on the numbers! boom! get it! spin! oh nice hands! chest bump. ugh! good job, man. nice! okay, halftime. now, this is my favorite play. oh! i'm wide open. oh, fumble. fumble. don't want to fumble any of these. [ male announcer ] share what you love, with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. it's up... and it's good! good?! they're grrreat! new trident layers juicy berry + tangy tangerine is a thrilling, dual-flavored ride to mouth fun-town. but it's not like everyone is going to break into a karaoke jam session. ♪ ♪ this will literally probably never happen. [ female announcer ] beef, meet flavor boost. flavor boost, meet beef. it's swanson flavor boost. concentrated broth to add delicious

flavor to your skillet dish in just one stir. mmm! [ female announcer ] cook, meet compliments. get recipes at flavorboost.com. go! go out tonight - be social! then stay in tomorrow. make a date with your flat screen. olive garden's new dinner today, dinner tomorrow. two dinners for two nights, just $12.95. choose one of five entrees tonight, like new mezzaluna ravioli. served with unlimited soup or salad and breadsticks. then choose a second entrée to take home for tomorrow

all for just $12.95. this has "movie night" written all over it. new dinner today dinner tomorrow go before it's gone! go olive garden. okay, now the results of our voting. our second-place, $3,000 winner is "lightning dolt," sent in by doreen and carlos hernandez from morgantown, north carolina. and now the winner of the $10,000 and tonight's funniest home video is... "home-wrecking rodent," sent in by bonnie and keith maier from lincoln, nebraska. welcome. congratulations. congratulations, bonnie. congratulations. let's, uh, let's go to jeff first. jeff, this squirrel was in the house for how many hours? 5 -- 5 hours. 5 hours. and why was it in the house for 5 hours? i had to go to work, and my parents were out of town, so i got it cornered under the entertainment center.

well, at least it was entertained. yeah. it had a little beer a few nuts and, you know, it was ready for the winter then. and then you come back from out of town to find this going on. what gave you the presence of mind to grab your camcorder? i just thought whenever jeff's involved, things happen. okay, all right. well, you're gonna be happy to know you've got $10,000 to buy new squirrel-proof possessions to replace all the breakage. how about a hand for our winners?! they're eligible for the $100,000 competition later in the season. great to have you here. okay. just like every halloween, we've run out of candy. all that's left is the sugar crash. but if you want to see more videos, log on to abc.com -- keyword -- "afv." and remember -- if you get it on tape, you could get it in cash. good night, everybody. -- captions0by here's my

morning routine.

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