kcet public television] tavis: good evening. from los angeles, i am tavis smiley. a conversation with former baseball great darryl strawberry. he had four of world series championships and he is known for his off the field troubles. in a new book, he details various troubles, including a struggle with alcohol and an abusive father. the book is named "straw." that is coming up right now. >> there are so many things that wal-mart is looking forward to doing, like helping people live better. but mostly, we're helping build stronger communities and relationships. with your help, the best is yet to come.

>> nationwide insurance proudly supports "tavis smiley." tavis and nationwide, working to improve financial literacy and the economic empowerment that comes with it. >> ♪ nationwide is on your side ♪ >> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. tavis: darryl strawberry was part of four world series championships. despite his exploits on the field, he is equally well known for his troubles of the field. he details his often painful struggle in a new book that of

your body is talking about. it is called "straw: finding my way." nice to have you here. good to see you. let me start with the obvious for me. i teased the book at the top of the show. you talk about drugs. you talk about cancer twice, your mother's cancer. you talk about domestic violence. you talk about drugs. everything is in this book. the first question i asked myself is why. why did you choose to tell all of that? >> that is a good question. i had been approached many times about it. i just thought it was a good time in my life to go ahead and reveal who i am, not the perception of what has been written about me throughout the media and my heyday, from baseball, also the things they talked about at the conference. when you look at a person's

life, there are core issues you need to dig deep in and find out about that particular person. nobody ever does that. all they ever do is look into. writing the book was a healing part for myself. i also had to make amends to people that i hurt. i'm talking about two wives, kids, through all of my escapades and what i was doing out there in the world. i was committed to self destruction. i just wanted to tell the true story. plus, i wanted this book to be about helping someone else more than anything. we have a tendency of giving up on life. i did not quit. you know? i went for more than you can imagine. i did not quit. hopefully, somebody that picks this book up will really be able to understand, this guy went

through all of this and did not quit. there must be something worth me going on through life and keep moving forward. tavis: you were talking about the war that i want to use. courageous. i think it is courageous for you to tell the story you told in detail. courageous as one part. the other side is whether it is at all embarrassing for you to admit all of this stuff. >> know. -- no. i probably felt about that before. tavis: my question is a little late. i should have asked that before the book. >> i thought about that before. embarrassing? no. grateful? yes. thankful? yes. because of who i am and what has transpired in my life, it is a true gift. most of the times, people think

that an athlete gift is what he does on the field. you are given a place to perform. that was just putting on a uniform and performing. there is always a real defining moment in a person's life where there is a real purpose for your life. most of the time, and a lot of athletes -- it is not about us. it is about what we do and who we go back and help and give that inspiration to after you have been through something. you cannot sit and tell somebody something that you have not experienced. the best teachers are those who have experienced. i cannot with a true purpose and gift. my life has been meant for young people. young people have found their way in trouble, that are lost. here it is. i believe god has truly used me because i was successful. he gave me a position being a successful baseball player and

accomplished all of these things, but then again, having trouble, a troubled life at the same time. i realized that young people need someone that is -- that has experienced trouble and is finally out of trouble to help them understand those decisions, the choices you make are real. there are major consequences behind them. look at me. i was a super stall -- got was a superstar and i fell. tavis: let me ask you this. you open up the book by saying this. this is common to your own words, the story of your having gone to hell and back. it is a story of going to hell and back. how do you know you are not going back again? where does the confidence come from that you have now experienced enough where we're not going to look up in a couple

of years and see darryl strawberry back in hell again? >> well, you know, people always say that and think that. i finally made my commitment in my relationship with god. i took off my running shoes. we run for real when we live, according to the world's standards. i understand that. i remember through the process of really getting my relationship back with god, those six months i took by myself and staying at my sister's house, her apartment. i had nothing. i asked god to strip me, and i remember standing in her little apartment, here is in a time all-star, make a million dollars, live in big homes, here i am in my sister's apartment, in her bedroom after night -- every night, crying out to god and asking god to forgive me,

not the world, because i already know what the world has offered me. it took six months. no women, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol. church three times out of the week. read my bible every night. i made the honest commitment that i knew i was called for, you know? there is a great purpose in all of our lives. we are all called for great things. i always believed god had a great column in my life, but i was too afraid to answer it. i felt i could not commit myself because i was part of what the world standards were. that is what i was living in. i never worry about that. i never think about that. i think about where i am at today and i think about each day and i say thank you. i try to continue to go forward and do the things that are important to me. a lot of times, we think -- especially men.

our egos run wild about how great unsophisticated we are, what we look like. it is all in security stuff. i realized that. i realized what was really important more than anything. that is why i think -- that is what we have to do asman. we think that because we make millions of dollars, we live on top of the hill and nobody can stop us. tavis: you have used the word a couple of times now. that is the. "call." -- that is the word "call." two of referenced -- you have referenced that you were running and you have finally taken off your running shoes. what do you understand you're calling to be? it was not to be a baseball great? >> i think baseball was just an avenue. i think the great calling for my life was to help others, to truly commit my life to other people, especially young people

more than anything. when i look at young people and the troubled minds they have and the troubled spirit they have, it is real. i believe that because of the fact that i had it, too. i understand it. it is a difference if i did not have it and i can sit and tell you i had a calling, but i had a troubled spirit. who am i? what am i? why don't i love myself? why do i love the way i look? i was a big-time star playing baseball. tavis: now we're into the store. let me follow you into the book. you have this and security. never mind the skill you have. you have been asking questions of yourself. that insecurity came from where? >> i believe that in security came from a dysfunctional family. my dad was a raging alcoholic. he beat the crap out of me and

my brother. he told me and him that we would never amount to nothing, would never be nothing. i believe that. i felt that was just the way life is. even when i got into sports at a young age, i knew i could play sports. i was driven. that was the thing where i was dedicated. i was not dedicated to accepting myself because of these scars. these are deep wounds, deep scars that young people get when they are abused and stuff. i do not go on in my book to use that as an excuse. i take full responsibility for all of my actions and everything that i did. i just remember -- i can remember trotting around the base after a homerun and nothing. the crowd is on their feet. i had those feelings.

the matter how well i did reject a put on my uniform and go to the ballpark and excel with the best. i had no fear. when i took that uniform off and i went home, i have fear. i had feel about me. tavis: it is a fascinating dichotomy. what do you make of the fact that you were in mets stadium cranking home runs, running around the bases, people are going crazy, and you are hearing in your head that you are nothing. >> that was the true way of life for me. that is why i believe that for so long. that is what i was told. tavis: the adulation never tamped that down? >> all you do is stuff it. that is what happens. you stop it. you get into the point of escaping. that is what, drugs?

of all? nightclubs? strip joints? women? whatever it might be, that is what you have a tendency of turning to. that does not fulfil you. it also does not make you a real man. we sit around and think we are a real man because we do that. i hope men understand this. that is not a real man. when i finally got to the point of understanding what a real man was, you love your wife, you love your family, you love your community, you love god, you help others. that is a real man. that is when you separate yourself. i had to separate myself from all of the fancy things. i used to wear diamond earrings and a jury. i thought -- and big jewelry. i thought that was it. it was a false image of who i was. the true man comes forward and he produces real fruits. i was not producing real fruits

at that time. i was producing a false image of what the world expected. tavis: steroids was not the thing in your heyday. that did not stop you from using drugs. >> no. drugs were an escape clause. i wanted to escape from who all of these people in the media did not know. that was a big escape clause for me, to escape from all the hoopla about how great i was, what i live up to my potential. you get caught in the lifestyle. you get caught in the lifestyle that you have as an athlete because you are making millions of dollars. when you go out, you do not have to pay for nothing. it is a different lifestyle. you're looking at people starving. here it is, athletes and entertainers, we get praise just

because we are athletes and entertainers. tavis: you mentioned the media a moment ago. i am not asking this question to set you up to use it as an excuse, and i know you will not, but what did the media help due to drive you -- i do not want to say crazy, but to push your way? the media glare is so intense on young athletes that people end up doing all kinds of things to run away from that. help me understand what the media did. how complex it was the media? >> i think what they do is they make you believe you are not a real person, you know? if you are not fulfilling their expectations, it makes a person believe they are not real. all i do is not enough. when you have to go through that process, you start doubting

yourself more than anything. i never doubt my ability. they could not touch me when i got on the field. when we are talking about everyday living, living life, being a father and husband, i have five beautiful kids. they adore me and i love them. they know everything i have experienced and been through because i have shared it with them. i did not want my kids to have to go through what i had to go through. my kids are so funny. they never experienced life like i did. i used to tell them about it. i would say how slept in bunk beds and my daughter would say, you slept in bunk beds? i tell them how i had one pair of tennis shoes. what? they live a totally separate life. they have been to private school. they have this fancy way. i wanted to make sure that they had the best, regardless of what

i experience and was going through in my life, i wanted the best for my children. i have given my children the best. all of these other things that occur in my life through the cour of my baseball career, dealing with the media and fans, it was all good for me. some people might say it wasn't. the only way it is good for you is if you learn. i had to learn through going to jail, you know, and going through the headlines. ended up in prison. a time all-star, i ended up in the prison. that was god telling me, i'm going to save you from yourself. you cannot save yourself. i have something for you to do. before this is all over, there's a greater purpose on your life. i called you. that is what the book is. it is an inspirational book. it is a redemption book. it is a faith book.

this is about not quitting. tavis: let me ask you a question. i have no reason to doubt that your fate is not real. -- faith is not real. i would never suggest that anyone would suggest that what they went through was not real. how do you respond to people might think, he is another athlete or entertainer trying to redeem himself or herself, and whenever they do it, god is always the way out. i saw the light and god has put me right. people are cynical about that. what do you say to that? >> that is their problem. i do not worry about them because i know the truth. they did not walk in my shoes. you did not live through the hell i had to live through. you did not live through the nightmare i had to live for.

for them to understand it, why don't you try got for yourself? why don't you try him for yourself and find out his goodness and find out what he means to you? they do not understand. they're looking for the lightning bolt to come down or whatever. it is a personal commitment. you have to get a personal commitment with him. he already knew me, you know? that was the whole thing in my life. it is not about what they know or what people think. if we live by people's opinions, we will never be able to reach the promise that is promised to us. each one of us has a gift inside a bus that is promised to us, but we have to tackle through the real gift. i am not talking about being a professional athlete. i am talking about the real gift. my commitment is to the lord. do i care what others think? no. i care what god thinks.

i used to care what other people thought about it. tavis: it is kind of hard not to. you were a baseball player. you were on the biggest stage in the world in baseball. it is hard not to care what people think about you. you can take it too far. i'm trying to give you some of. it is hard not to in new york city, a mman. >> at that time, i probably cared too much. i cared too much what people were thinking. that is where the self- destructive behavior was always dangerous. tavis: do you think that you had -- do you think you lived up to your potential? if you do not think you lived up to your potential, as some fans do not, how close? can you tell me where you think you were or could have been? >> i could have easily been the

greatest of all time, playing the game of baseball. baseball was simple to me. i did not have life skills. life skills is a major difference in how well you do. you look at some of the great players that come along, they usually have life skills to play. sports is just putting on the uniform and being cheered or being booed. how you deal with it? what makes you happy? do you go through the cheers for the blues? do they bring frustration? tavis: i am following you in this conversation. you're talking about things that tick you off and turn you want. when you look back on your career, the some of them say what you did not do. what part of your game has the media still not given you enough credit for?

>> i think my effort more than anything. they said i looked like i was not hustling. he does not go all out. tavis: what do you make of that criticism? >> i was dedicated. there was a tremendous dedication to that. every time i put on a uniform, i was serious about winning. i had an attitude on my shoulder -- an attitude and a chip on my shoulder about that. they said i was not giving it my all. what is that? if you do not know what it is like to do it, how can you say it? you see he does not make a play. you see that he strikes out. this play happened. that is part of sports. nobody is going to be perfect. you will not be mr. perfect where you make every play and you hit every pitch that comes to you. a lot of times, they were very critical of me about that. i was young and stupid. i got angry.

i spoke my mind. tavis: who do you see on the field now that most reminds you of darryl strawberry at his best? >> i do not really see any players that remind me of me. i do admire a player that plays in new york and that is derek jeter. he probably never had my talent and my ability to play the game, but you know what? he has done the right thing with his career. he has done it the right way. he has played the right way. he has had character. he has never ran hismouth about people. he respects life. he respects the game of life. he respects the people that he has played with. he has never had this egotistic mind about how great he is. tavis: and they love him in new york. >> and they should love him in new york. we talk about the other great players that have come through

and be a different talent. he is a winner. you know? people love winners. tavis: do you ever look at him and think, that could of been me, plus i am more talented? >> no. i realized that my time was my time. it was different. i never had anyone actually try to give me some insight. i remember when derek was coming up and i give him and said. i told him he would be great in new york. he kind of looked at me. i said, trust me. they will love you. i said, do me one favor. do not make the mistakes i made. make the right decisions and choices. choose the right people to be around. another thing you have going on, you are good looking. [laughter] >> a-rod might think he is better looking. i do not want to start nothing in new york city between them. darryl strawberry's new book is

called "straw: finding my way." it is a courageous telling of the story about a guy whose career we all loved and followed. i think you will be empowered by what he shares in the new book. nice to have you want. congratulations. good to see you. my pleasure to have you here. that is the show for tonight. pbs.org for our show. thank you for watching. as always, keep the faith. >> for more information on today's show, visit tavis is next time. we will see you then. >> there are so many things that wal-mart is looking forward to doing, like helping people live better. but mostly, we're helping build stronger communities and relationships.

because with your help, the best is yet to come. >> nationwide insurance proudly supports "tavis smiley." tavis and nationwide, working to improve financial literacy and the economic empowerment that comes with it. >> ♪ nationwide is on your side ♪ >> and by contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you. thank you. captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--