you know, a caring person.... no man has ever put his hand up a woman's dress looking for a library card. i am sorry... everyone watched the carson show, and when carson said to me, "you're gonna be a star," my life changed. man: and as they say at cape canaveral, she took off like a rocket. billthe tonight show was a pinnacle for joan, and the more guest appearances she got, either guesting with johnny or guest hosting for johnny, the bigger and stronger the career was going and building up and up and up. and then eventually they made her the permanent guest host of the tonight show, which was a big thing. joan: after 20 years on the tonight show, fox came and offered me my own show and edgar would be the producer.

of course we said yes. the first person i called was johnny carson. he slammed the phone down. i called again, slammed it down again, and never spoke to me again -- ever. i think he was furious. he felt betrayed. i was now a competitor. he literally had me blacklisted and to this day i have not been on nbc late night ever. billy: as she drove off the nbc lot, she lost her confidence. "oh my god, what have i done?" it was such a bad period. joan: the fox show, even before we went on the air, was just a nightmare. edgar did not like rupert murdoch and barry diller, and from the day we walked in, there were fights... about everything. about whether we should have

a coke machine or a pepsi machine, m&m's or hershey kisses. finally they called me in on a thursday night, and they said, "you've gotta fire edgar." i couldn't do it. i couldn't, uh, i couldn't, couldn't do it, couldn't, couldn't do it. ♪ man: the woman who asked, "can we talk?" -- joan rivers -- is apparently through as permanent host of her late night talk show. billy: from there, edgar imploded, absolutely imploded. he didn't have joan's strength. he didn't have it. i got a call from gavin debecker, who was... his security company. he said, "i have terrible news." "yes?" "edgar...killed himself in philadelphia." joan: he left us, high and dry. everything just went to smithereens.

and he left me with no career, and a lot of debts, because he wasn't a good businessman, and, uh, a lot of tough times. i walk past edgar's pictures... i feel such sadness, such darkness. melissa: first off, mother, i'm very, very angry at you. since daddy died, you have not spent one minute at home.... melissa and i, we started immediately going into therapy, separately and together. and then we did something which sounds so sick -- we did a movie about edgar's suicide, where we played ourselves. are you angry about something? i'm angry about a lot of things, okay? it sounds so stupid and corny,

but i think by walking through it again, it absolutely mended us, totally mended the relationship. don't ask -- i'd have to go to another doctor to figure that one out. [laughs] joan: thank you. man: thank you. thank you. lovely that you came. thank you. i worship you! get off your knees. joan! oh, my god! joan rivers, everybody. please give her a clap! [applause] billy sent me this for opening night. parrot: polly wants a [bleep] cracker! give polly a [bleep] cracker now! [squawks] old lady on the cover. [laughs] young people, young festival, young ideas... old lady. hold on. get ready -- "hottest ticket." isn't that great? and the front page. [cheering and applause]

joan: the play went beyond my wildest dreams in edinburgh. we had great reviews, the audiences adored it, but who knows what's gonna happen in london? it can turn on a dime. [distant siren wailing] joan: now where are we? man: the signage is going up. look, your canopy's going up. joan: oh, isn't that sweet? this is where we'll make the decision for me whether or not i'm gonna try to bring it to new york. oh, if the reviews are bad, we're dead. we finish it, it was wonderful, but it will not go to new york. man: joan, this is graham mccluskey, your lighting designer. joan: a soft pink -- i don't care what it says. billy: joan didn't want to open the play in new york or l.a. because even if it's great, they will not give her the kudos that it's great because of who she is. that there's nothing she can do that will be industry-embraced.

how much does it hold? man: uh, 393. -so it's 400 people. -yeah, 400. joan: i've never been the critics' darling. i've always been considered a comic, and a borscht belt comic, or a vegas comic. there's always an adjective before my name and it's never a nice adjective. i go back to, um, fun city, which was my first play in 1973, and they were, they were very harsh to it. it was a horrible experience, and i will not go through that again. i mean, i moved us out of new york. i said, when that play closed, "we're out of here," and we moved right after fun city. i just think they're not gonna like us. and i didn't spend all this time and all this energy

to have this close. and it breaks my heart to see it die here. it won't die here. that's the only thing that's killing me, and i was thinking... billy: you're not gonna lose it. we won't let this go. and i know it's your... your work of love. i really think it's good, i really think... i know. okay, onward and upward. oh! hello, press! be kind. not too close. thank you. hello. very nervous. i don't like opening nights. i think you should celebrate second nights, when you're a success. i think anyone that celebrates opening nights is a fool, because you're not... the opening night is your walk to the executioner. so i will be very, very happy tomorrow, if all goes well, and very smug. i will throw some diva scene about something, when i know i have the power.

right now i don't know if i have the power. [chuckles] woman: you got enough glitter? yes. oh, god, yes. plenty. plenty of glitter. [pop orchestra plays] oh, shut that stupid bitch up! jesus! [cheering and applause] at the end of the show, johnny carson, on the air, turned to me and said, "you're gonna be a star." ...[bleep] drop! i did not know this! i am 75 years old, and i tell you, i haven't peaked. and that is why i'm gonna go out that door, and the door after that, and the door after that, and the door after that, and the door after that

and i invite all of you... come with me! thank you! [cheering and applause] whoa! okay... sean: that was pretty extraordinary. all stood up right at the end. in america, if this goes out in america, we love you, but you do stand up all the time at the end of shows whether, you know, like you're supposed to or something. here they don't, except for this show. man: what a triumph! not a triumph till we read the papers. i know a triumph when i see one. sean: tonight was a triumph. woman: i've never laughed so much. man: thank you very much. sorry to bother you. you're not bothering me. joan, i thought you were brilliant. are you feeling all the love that we have here for you? no. we'll feel it tomorrow after the reviews. such a nice audience. thank you. now let me ask you, when will we find out about the reviews?

tomorrow morning first thing. i'm pretty sure they're gonna be fantastic. joan: and what does it say? "comedy, tragedy, surgery, and rivers isn't going quietly." okay. "if the energy dips slightly towards the end, that is understandable given the star's age." it only gave me three stars out of five. okay, leicester square... "all this play-acting is an excuse for a night of 'me me' joan. she is not short on self-pity, and a passage about her relationship with her daughter is pretty low-grade schmaltz, mind you..." -it's...so wrong. -exactly. it ends in a joke, you ass. exactly, that's why, he's just not getting the theater. um, "longer exposure to her, even in a small theater, betrays a husky weakness of voice that some may find monotonous." joan: i'm thinking, joce, do i want to take this into new york? do i want to sit in a taxi in new york in six months and hear this and see this again? yeah. i don't know, jocelyn. i don't know.

i don't know. i am not gonna walk in to new york city and be hurt the wfun city hurt me. my acting is my one sacred thing in my life and i will not have anyone hurt me with that. you can say i'm not a good comedian, it doesn't bother me. you say you didn't like me as an actress? you've killed me. and i don't want that in new york. but i know i'm an actress. it's all about acting. my career is an actress's career, and i play a comedian. so, it's over, it's over. no one will ever take me seriously as an actress.

don't be downhearted. you downhearted? i'm not, i'm just... it's not what i thought was going to happen, right? what i thought was gonna happen was we were gonna sail in from edinburgh, everyone was gonna love it. and then we were gonna pick our producer and then move it forward, and then change it, but not this, like... and of course there's no billy around. billy is never around in trouble. and this isn't trouble, but you know. anyhow... the play is over and it hurts very much, but i got to take a deep breath and start again.

it wouldn't kill you to get me another commercial. just remember when they come in and ask for a man, i can be very butch. so she'll do anything, and really get into it, like she loves it. man: okay. joan: okay, well, if nobody has anything else, i'm very depressed. billy: bye. jocelyn: bye, steve! steve: okay, bye. joan: i don't want to retire. i don't want to go and sit in the sun. i don't want to go and learn to garden. i paint, who cares? [phone beeps] billy: hello, emily hope. emily: hi, guys. it's a pleasure to meet you. woman: explain to us what you're offering. yes? i will do anything. i will knock my teeth out and do dent-assure,

or whatever it is. i mean, she's done... i will wear a diaper. i don't give a [bleep]. larry: joan has a fanaticism, a maniacal focus to succeed, and works at it every day. i remember once meeting with richard pryor, and i sat with him and spent an hour with him, about his career, and i said, "okay, richard, what we're gonna do is, we're gonna do this and we're gonna do that, and plan on this, and then in the next year, we're gonna do this and we're gonna do that," and he looked at me and he says, "larry, that's all great, but what the [bleep] do we do monday?" that's where joan is. what the [bleep] do we do monday? jocelyn: what is this? that's my thing i've been reading. i am holding dossiers of all the people for the celebrity apprentice that we pulled off the internet. "brande", b-r-a-n-d-e... "turn-ons: taking in a good movie

while spending time with loved ones and my beautiful puppy, mercedes." jocelyn: aww! "turn-offs: negative people who are unkind and have no respect for others." joan: well, she's gonna hate me. jocelyn: yeah, exactly. i am doicelebrity apprentice because it's face time on nbc, and nbc has not let me be on nbc since the carson show. i didn't want her to do it, she didn't want to do it. i thought it was f-class people, but it is face time, prime time network. i think they'd be stupid to put me off the first four shows. but i may be very free the second half of october. i think they're not gonna throw me off in the beginning because i'm the only one, kind of, that's a name. even though donald says, "these internationally known..." man, laughing: entrepreneurs. "entrepreneurs, celebrities." joan: billy, i'm gonna say that in the press release,

that i was told that paul newman was gonna be... [laughter] i'm actually very excited about celebrity apprentice, because melissa, my daughter, is going to be on the show with me, which means we'll have a lot of time to spend together. you haven't had your hair done yet? no. joan: jesus [bleep], melissa! we've got 40 minutes! that's more than enough. that's more than enough, mom. -no, it's not. -for my hair? yes, it is. joan: all right, whatever. melissa red-eyed in from l.a. this morning and we start taping celebrity apprentice tonight. you got to stop smoking immediately. i went to a pulmonary guy today -- what, am i boring you? no, no, no, i'm listening. i got my gum with me. i'm down to two, three a day. -that's it. -i'm telling you. i know, but be supportive that i'm down to that. joan: he said women react differently to cigarettes than men.

melissa: i said i'm down to like two or three a day. joan: he said more women are dying of lung cancer than breast cancer. and nobody's discussing it. so that's very interesting. but i'm down to like two or three a day, so... joan: but i'm just telling you, you're really loading the gun. i know, but i'm just saying at least be supportive that i've gotten down to that. he scared the bejesus out of me. [melissa clears throat] joan: the great pressure is, what if she gets voted off ahead of me? it's gonna be very traumatic. i would rather i get voted off ahead of her. i know that i will always hold back. i know that and so... 'cause i don't want ever to come out brighter than melissa and smarter than melissa. i don't compete with her on that level. i believe that consciously she would believe that, and then even if i did win, she would say she held back.

but i don't think she really could. joan: okay, see you later. man: see you in a bit. melissa: in the business, you have to put yourself first. you've got to protect yourself. and my mother will tell you that she only wants me to win, but then she'll do something, without realizing it that is very destructive. and i think it's a very tough dynamic, because i truly think it's completely subconscious with her. -you open that. -okay. it's a nice dooney & bourke bag. joan: these are very nice goodie bags. i feel very out of place. i'm the oldest by far. they all were talking and chatty and for a long time i stood by myself, i felt very isolated. melissa: well, see, i think you also bring a lot of that on yourself. i think you don't make -- like tonight, you made no effort to be, like, welcoming. joan: i stood there. well, no, but you were on your blackberry so fast and i tried to introduce you to people

and you were like "hi, bye," because you get so shy and that what people don't know about you. hell, i wouldn't walk over to you. joan: well, they didn't. [laughs] but you set it up for that. you don't realize that you do that. melissa: all stand-ups are innately insecure. who would stand on a stage, by themselves, and say "laugh! laugh at me, laugh with me, i don't care, just laugh." and i think that's just sort of the nature of the beast. overall, just my perception growing up in the world of comedians, they're all very damaged and they need that reassurance, it's all a cover. joan: it's been a bloodbath. they don't play fair. they cheat. so, melissa was fired on tuesday, and i know joan was very upset. she is a snake. jocelyn: annie duke was on a team with melissa and absolutely conspired to get melissa fired.

joan: annie douche, that [bleep] moron. would you, right now, graham, onto my blog and onto my twitter. it should be "annie douche, that moron, she should kiss my ass." she should kiss my jewish ass, but not with those non-kosher lips. [graham laughs] not with those big pig lips. that's it, "she should kiss my jewish ass, but not with those big pig lips." do you think that's too rough? so tell me, you didn't think it was gonna get vicious? no, i just thought it was at least gonna be moderately fair. and my concern is how i will be portrayed because i have more of an image issue than you do. so that's a little unsettling. joan: it meant you're gonna look very angry. they said, when you left you called them all kinds of names. so that's there. melissa: but if they cut it to show i was telling the truth. oh, they're not gonna cut it to show you were telling the truth, 'cause they don't care.

they're gonna show that you left pissed off, but you also came back and you also worked -- that's all right. it makes you more interesting melissa, frankly. you have done really an amazing job, but, melissa, you're fired. whore, pit-vipers! i want my [bleep] and i want it now. not going without it. joan: it makes me very upset to see her that hurt. it wasn't even hurt. it was the frustration of the lies. it is such a cruel business. sometimes i just want to say to her, "why in god's name are you opening yourself up to such punishment?" i mean, mine is not a choice. mine is, uh... i always say, it's like... people say, "why are you in the business?" ask a nun why she's a nun. that's my drive at 4:00 in the morning in the airport. it's "i have no choice." and that's where i was from the time i could figure it out. no question where i was going.

there were no drugs, there was no sex, there was no anything, nothing -- until i got my job. that's where i was going, and just go away. [siren wailing] mohammed, it's gonna be a long evening. we're doing two shows tonight. -miss rivers? -yes. -do you mind autographing this? -oh my goodness, yes. i love you. joan: every wednesday night when i am in new york, i work at some tiny little club where i can practice my act. i just talk about anything and everything that annoys me. thank you! man: you don't get the recognition you deserve! damn right, william! okay, see? i have a fan. i have william. the minute you're not angry about things,

the minute you're not upset about things, what are you talking about? "oh, my grandson was so cute." [raspberry] it's not my comedy. i'm furious about everything, furious about everything. good things don't always happen to good people and i'm very angry about it, but if i didn't have the anger, i wouldn't be a comedian. anger fuels the comedy. [laughter] joan: i hate everybody. i hate old people! i hate ugly children! i hate fat people! i hated china! i hate whiners! oh, i hate dead people. i even have the three wise men, who i hate. i love [bleep] sex 'cause you can do other things, you know? it's like... you can iron, you can read a book... get your e-mails on your blackberry... [laughter continues]

kevin: well, right now, we're getting the 17-foot table up the stairs. these two guys just walked it up seven flights. bring it right here. joan: today is thanksgiving. favorite time of the year, favorite time of the year. melissa and cooper come, of course, and then i invite my friends. and many of them are strays, or single women, or my neighbors from downstairs. it's sad. woman: why is that? i don't know, it's just sad that it seems you have fewer friends in new york. and i know when something wonderful happens, there may be three people i'll call. when maybe 15 years ago, there would have been six people i called. so many people are dying, my god. they'd better eat fast tonight. [laughs]

oh, it's cold! every thanksgiving i bring meals from "god's love we deliver" to people that absolutely are too ill to go out. this year i asked my grandson cooper to come with me. joan: ...if we can stop at an electronics store, his p.s.p. is broken. if you're very good, i'll buy you a new one for your birthday. well, my friend had three of them, and he gave me one. that's very nice. is this the one he gave you? yes. he had three of them? has he got a single grandfather? [laughs] i love your hands. you have great hands, cooper. [audience laughs] at god's love we deliver, when i started out -- and i'm on the board -- we used to give aids patients

that were going, we would give them food. well, now, aids is chronic and i am still delivering their [bleep] food, and i am so pissed i am so -- do you know what it's like? thanksgiving morning, ding-dong, the guy opens the door, "you again?" [laughter] "this is the third [bleep] thanksgiving in a row, buddy!" "miss rivers, just leave it over there. i'm on my way to the gym." "the gym?!" [laughter] "you're gonna die today, aids or me, i'm not sure which!" oh look, god's love we deliver, aw, how nice is that? you want to ring? [doorbell rings] hello, hello, i'm joan rivers. this is my grandson, cooper. how nice to see you. wow! joan rivers! the joan rivers? i pay her bills. [laughter] you have entertained me for years, ms. rivers. -i am so glad. -i'm a photographer. joan: and you can see there's something going on here that's wonderful.

woman: right there, i photographed the same drug store for 20 years, every time they changed the price of cigarettes. joan: oh, how brilliant is that? woman: thank you. joan: where was it shown? woman: life magazine. i have taken over 100,000 photos, so you might even know my work. look up flofox.com. woman: happy thanksgiving. flo: thank you. i can't wait to get out of here and go home and look you up. flo fox, baby. my name is flo fox. tom snyder: i'm with flo fox right now. what happened that caused your eyesight to start to fail? i believe it's connected with multiple sclerosis. i walk with a cane. i'm a little off-balance. first my eyes went and, uh... joan: oh, it's so sad. there's a sexy, young, artistic, edgy, new york-tough, bohemian girl. tom: it's amazing, isn't it? joan: life is so...mean!

[indistinct conversation, piano playing waltz] [utensil raps glass] joan: thank you all for being here. this morning i delivered meals with my grandson for god's love we deliver, and may i tell you... we are so blessed. we are so blessed, and i thank god every minute that i ever step into a limousine. i know it sounds silly. since 1968, they've been sending limousines for me and i never get into one that i don't say, "thank you, god, i am so chosen," and i thank you all for being here, and i thank god for another wonderful thanksgiving. woman! hear, hear! [applause] joan: we are at the kennedy center in washington, d.c.

i am here to do a tribute to george carlin. i find this whole thing very hypocritical. this is everything george claimed he wasn't. george hated the establishment. george hated the people that are gonna be here tonight, which are gonna be a bunch of older, very wealthy republicans. all the things that george fought against, tonight, will all be negated because he's getting the mark twain award. it would be like me getting a big award from the german bund. [laughs] [german accent] "and now, for funniest jewess not in the ovens... joan rosenberg rivers!" [laughs] but, um, there's an importance for for this type of event for comedy because i'm always left out of it. so for me, this is nice to be included, because i'm usually not included. once a jew, always a jew.

[laughs] i'm going in to clean that bathroom. graham: have you seen that shower in there? -it's kind of interesting. -ugh. oh, look! [spraying] graham: now it is. the writers are ready for you when -- -i'm ready for the writers. -okay. okay, where are the writers? they're coming in here? joan: now is it just the two of us? woman: ms. rivers, the [bleep] thing? the executive producers are a little concerned about that. joan: and well they should be. i'll probably have one [bleep]. no, exactly, one is fine. and it will be bleeped for tv. man: all right, thanks, joan. see you in a bit. joan: thank you. they're all gonna be so much funnier than i am. see, when you see the lineup, and you know jon stewart had 12 writers work on this, and you know, uh, garry had six writers work on this,