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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 9, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT

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final note tonight about the murder of football star steve mcnair. nallvie police tod release 91ca1 llwi 1 th mcnair friend who arrived at the bloody crime scene.
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>> i'm -- i haven't checked the vitals but he's -- but -- >> is the person breathing? >> i don't -- it don't look like it. >> okay. >> authorities concerned that mcnair's mistress fired four rounds before turning the gun on herself. he was reportedly distraught over finances and worried that the married mcnair was seeing another lover. there will be a memorial service for mcnair tomorrow. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> upset that their schedule falls on two coke -- consecutive holidays the nfl is speaking out. >> the nfl can kiss my tuckus!
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>> on the lake and cut to my kids who are [ bleep ] each other. >> dane cook. >> tell everybody what we're going to do here. >> we have a little contest here who can put the most peeps in their mouth. >> pete yorn. ♪ >> "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with dane cook, 6-year-old genius pranav veera and music from pete yorn. robinhood of the directing world. ick enclave the finest luxury crossover ever. i needome zen time with this model thank you.
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and music from pete yorn. with cleto and the cletones. and now, this just in, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi there. i'm jimmy. thank you. it's friday night. i believe it's the last day of spring break. although i'm not sure. i'm a talk show host, i'm not a calendar maker. you know? what i do know, it was a big, big day in the united states today. an historic day really because
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this morning at 9:08 central time, oprah winfrey twittered for the very first time. >> i want to introduce you to my facebook page. i just got on facebook. now i joined twitter. okay, everybody, here's my first -- it's called a tweet? okay. here goes my first one. okay. here goes. okay. >> oh. >> you're good. >> i'm good. >> she tweeted. she tweeted. [ applause ] >> i never thought i'd see the day. i really didn't. so oprah finally has a way to get her message out. oprah dedicated most of her show to twitter. if you don't already know, twitter is a social online networking site designed to keep
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us up to date on what new hat ashton kutcher is wearing. oprah devoted quite a bit of time to it today. but it wasn't all fun and games. it did get serious. >> friday is tweet day as oprah goes twitterific, with oprah and gail as they all talked about the biggest internet sensation ever. then meet the boy who can't twitter. >> i had no phone. [ laughter ] >> okay. today on oprah. >> of course, never -- never had a shot at a normal life. ashton kutcher has been going it -- going at it with cnn. he has been competing with them to see who can get to a million twitters. i guess ashton and cnn have been rivals since high school. there's some back talk, some smack talk between him and larry king. all in good fun.
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he and larry are good friends, he and his wife are the same age. ashton came out on top, so one million people are following ashton's tweets. why would anyone want to be ash kutcher's online friends? hasn't he seen what he does to friends in real life? if a wrecking ball comes through your new toyota, it was ashton. cnn isn't done with ashton kutcher and larry king. cnn is now bringing in the big dog. >> an emmy award winning journalist with more than 30 years of experience, a fashion model turned actor who played jesse in dude, where's my car. satuay night, under the lights, kutcher, blitzer, twitter. you'll pay for the whole seat but you'll only need cnn. >> i want to give back. kutcher, twitter and blitzer all sound like reindeer names. don't they? meanwhile,
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major developments in washington where the president has declassified memos and it's implicated senior bush offici official -- bush administration officials and maybe himself in the torture -- hold on a second. [ laughter ] ashton just ate a smoked turkey sandwich. [ laughter ] anyway, oh, what was i talking about? that's right. turkey. president obama is very popular in turkey. he went there recently. after he did a singer there a gentleman who goes by the name of mustafa wrote a name about him. ♪ ♪ hello, obama ♪ >> yeah.
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he's their madonna. maybe uniting the world isn't such a good idea. this is kind of interesting. the nfl schedule is out for next season and the jets are not happy about it. they were scheduled to play after sundown on consecutive jewish holidays. the next sunday is yom kippur and because of the holidays, not as many people would be able to come to the games which made a lot of people very upset. >> upset that their schedule falls on two consecutive jewish holidays, the new york jets said nfl commissioner roger -- sent roger goodell a letter asking if the times could be changed. even the jets players are displeased with the new schedule and one is speaking out. >> last year, i missed my cousin's bar mitzvah because of the schedule and if i miss yom kippur and rosh hashanah, no -- and there's no telling what they will do.
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the nfl can kiss my tuckus! >> well, that's -- all pro defensive end jackson. i don't blame him for being upset. in other sports news, the nhl playoffs are underway. did anyone know that? [ cheers and applause ] all right, good. last night in chicago, the black hawks beat the calgary flames in the first game of their series. and roger millions of sports net filed this report. >> -- coming off knee problems will play for the hawks. meaning the flames have another speedster to contend with. meantime, for cory sariks -- [ bleep ]. okay. [ laughter ] >> in chicago, reporting from chicago with a bit of a blooper on thaone. >> yeah. a bit of a blooper. just a bloopette is what they call them.
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>> time for the weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep or blur things whether they need it or not. this is this week in unnecessary censorship. >> the family sitting on the lake and the -- and the kids are like dressed and the kids are like congratulations, on 20 years. cut to my kids who are [ bleep ] each other. >> thank you, father, for always being there for me and thank you for -- for [ bleep ] me as hard as you can. >> simon on 47-year-old phenom susan boyle. >> never been [ bleep ]. so would you change that for her? >> no. i would not [ bleep ]. >> most pay their taxes without protest including the country's first [ bleep ]. >> you should have been with us in bed last night. we [ bleep ] each other all night. >> [ bleep ] are feeding on humans and at night when we sleep. ♪
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♪ it's not a silly >> i will [ bleep ] ted turner's [ bleep ] and i will video it -- >> why is buck master's the owner? he's the dog [ bleep ]. >> why don't you mind your own business? >> catching [ bleep ] is our business, mr. masters. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] >> we have a good show tonight. on the show tonight, a 6-year-old genius. his name, pranav veera is here. we have music tonight from pete yorn. we'll be right back with dane cook, so stick around.
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♪ hi, there. we're back. thank you for being back with
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us. with us on the show tonight, a -- this kid, i saw him on the news or something. he's a 6-year-old boy with an i.q. of 176. that's higher than normal. from loveland, ohio,ranav veera is here. here's a little of pranav. >> gerald ford. >> gerald ford, 1974-1977. >> millard fillmore? >> millard fillmore, to 1953. >> harry truman? 1945 to 1953. >> so you see, he knows -- i don't know what those dates or who those people were that he mentioned, he will be here with us tonight. d we'll quiz the crap out of this kid. believe me. also tonight, he has an album coming out june 23. it's called "back and forth". from l.a.'s own, pete yorn is with us. next week, our guests include justin timberlake, elish -- eli
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shcuthbert, jamie foxx, depeche mode, the latests and billy bob thornton and i hope he's in a good mood when he's here. we have been inspired by oprah. since she began twittering or tweeting, or whatever the hell they call it today, we too have decided to twit. in fact, our very own security guard guillermo now has his own twitter account. isn't that right, guillermo? >> yes. >> and how do people reach you on that account? >> on the phone or the computer too. >> the phone or the computer, you have no idea what it is? do you? >> a little bit. >> explain it to us. what is twittering? >> a website where you go and meet people and tell them how you're feeling and everything like that. what you're doing. >> no, no. i think you send out messages to people as to what's going on in your life. >> yes. >> okay, good. all right. anyway, his twitter name is one word -- that word is iamguillermo. any other guillermos are impostors. the only one is iamguillermo.
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and the idea is, this way, guillermo can communicate one-on-one with his fans. hopefully, we can learn to communicate together also, guillermo. eventually. >> that would be great. >> that would be great. so it's time to do it. you're writing these for real. not like we're having somebody write these for you. go ahead, guillermo. go ahead, guillermo, you go ahead. maybe we should have a drum roll or something like that. some drama. and twitter. look, he's doing it. oh, boy. i didn't realize this would be a full-time job. i've never seen anybody text with their index finger before. is that how they do it in mexico? >> yes. >> you do -- you do have functioning thumbs, right? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> all right. maybe we should come back to you later in the show. >> finished.
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>> oh, it's finished. very good. wow. that was exciting. if you want to see what guillermo tweetered, go to a computer and figure it out. that was exciting. our first guest is an actor, comedian and i think that's it. but that is plenty. his "isolated incident, global thermo comedy tour" is coming to a city near you. or maybe even the one you're in. please say hello to dane cook. [ cheers and applause ] >> i love -- is that adam lambert? [ laughter ] because i'm an adam lambert enthusiast. >> it's not. >> i download the songs after he sings them and i sing the songs
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and download them in the shower and sing. [ screaming ] >> that's him all right. >> you know to know something weird? i was talking to the guy and i thought it was adam lambert also, but it's angelina jolie. either that or brad pitt is having sex with adam lambert. >> i'm going lambert. >> i think we're -- everyone but him is going lambert on that. how are you? are you a twitterer? >> i thought that was really epic, to be honest with you. it's so -- it's likehe most mundane -- i have to start like a side called chores.com. i'm going to update you on when i'm dusting. or watering the plants. >> yeah. not bad idea. it does sound crazy to me. but whatever. when you're a kid i guess it's exciting to get thattuff. >> stoners definitely started this site so they wouldn't have to get off the couch. >> yeah. you though really were i think a pioneer in the world of ashton kutcher.
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even been guillermo with your fans on the myspace page. which you have like -- a few million people on that thing, right? >> i hit three million on myspace three years ago. so, yeah -- >> there were less people in the world back then. even more of a percentage. even more impressive. but i mean, that really is amazing. do you still do that? are you still active with the myspace? >> i like to correspond and i -- and i like to commiserate with the fans. i meet a lot of interesting people. the best way to re -- you know, to incite a reaction to me is boobs. if you send me breasts i will respond immediately. immediately. >> now, is that for women only or would that apply -- would i be able to -- i mean, would you react if i were to send you a shower shot or something like that? >> guillermo, do it. take a picture of your bustages and send them on over. >> after. >> after the show. okay. >> nice talking to you. [ laughter ] >> that was like a twitter conversation.
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>> exactly. but you -- do you meet the people? do you feel like they know you from interacting with you online? >> i do. i have had some interesting experiences even recently about three days ago. i'm in my car, i'm at a red light and a cop pulls up next to me. and, you know, you always get nervous for no reason whatsoever when there's a cop. the thing is i was nervous because i did have a body in my trunk. but he looks over and, you know, we kind of give each other a nod and then he recognized me and he did one of those and then he revved the engine of the cruiser and gave me like you want to go fast and furious style? >> really? >> yeah. i was like, i'm doing it. i'm going to race this cop. so the light is red and we look at each other and he vrooms. i raise my engine up a little bit. here's the best part. before the light turned green i looked around for another cop. [ laughter ] >> for a good cop.
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>> and then we went off the line and it was three or four seconds of neck and neck and he pulled back and i thought he'd pit maneuver me. but he banged a right and i was off -- >> did you feel like you won the race? >> i did feel like a winner. i fought the law and i won. >> congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] you were going on a -- you're going on a tour. is it a world tour or sticking to the united states? >> it's the global thermo comedy tour. and the name i know sounds vast but it's just local. encino. [ laughter ] >> where is it going to be? >> phase one is across the united states. >> i have the first five or six dates. in connecticut, april 25. albany on the 30th of april. may 1, baltimore. may 2, newark and may 3 in long island. do you like doing that still? are you going to do like the big huge arenas? >> i mean there's nothing better than getting out there and doing
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live comedy in front of 20,000 people at an arena. i'm doing it different this time because last time it was the tour bus. i did -- >> that big crazy tour bus. >> this whole tour i'm doing on freight trains. >> really? >> i'm going to dress as a hobo. >> i like it. > i have a a sticickk witith bag withth allll m mmimicrhones it >> pch w work taececloththt d.d. thatatilbe gatat. get some steterno and d you're set.t. central. a spen n come > y yea y 17. in, ma17, comedyentral? a a show. > the show is -itit's not a hugege audiee show like yoyou he done i in ththe past like with o deal. >> iialled it down. timate ---- >> is that right? old lady. >>ho doesn'tnderststand .. factory t hehere in lolos gele anand the coolhing is thisis is firsrsme they'y're airing comedy central special without any commercial interruption.
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it is really cool. i hope you guys laugh along. >> was that intentional or people did not want to be associated -- >> no, it was a mistake and we put it in the can and we sent it. >> that's pretty good. wow. i didn't know they were doing this. how are they planning to make money off this? >> i think the whole idea was this, let's just try -- there's a sponsor who's going to come in there and take care of all that. i wanted to show an uninterrupted comedy show. there's a couple tricks i won't give away yet. you have never seen a comedy special aired this way at all. >> i want to ask you about one other thing. because you and i -- >> 9 1/2 inches. [ laughter ] >> that i don't. you know it's the last half that really -- that's the half that gets you. [ laughter ] the -- what i wanted to ask you about is we have -- we have had a bit of a history of competition, friendly competitions on the show that have turned disastrous in the couple of occasions.
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you have come up with the game touch the head and then that's where you try to touch people on the head out on the street. and then that's -- there's another game where you slap me in the face. it wasn't a game as much as you slapping me in face. then i had a woman in the box, a contortionist come out and smack you in the face and she punctured your eardrum. you have something else to introduce into the rivalry. when we come back, we'll do battle once again. dane cook is here. we're not going to fistfight, but it will be exciting. "isolated incident, global thermo comedy tour" begins april 25. dane cook. we'll be right back. delectablé the taste of freshly ground espresso,
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♪ hi, there, we're back. more with dane cook right after and coming up, 6-year-old genius pranav veera who probably shouldn't be watching what's happening here. we have had a number of valries, we have had competitions on the show and you have come up with something special that i have
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agreed to participate in. i really like this idea. >> i'm glad. >> tell everybody what we're going to do here. >> we have a little contest here. who can put the most peeps in their mouth. [ cheers and applause ] >> now, these are marshmlow peeps. they're a lot cheaper after easter it turns out. because i'm a gentleman i'm going to let you pick your color. >> i'll go with the classic yellow. >> i'll go with the blue. apparently, how we'll do this, and we have a medic standing by in case anybody chokes to death. how we're going to do is, we're going to put a peep in each of our mouths and keep going until somebody gives up or a peep falls out of the mouth. >> i have a surprise for you as well. on top of this, no matter who wins or loses for every peep we combine shove in our mouth i'm going to donate $100 to planned parenthood. >> okay. why? >> no. [ laughter ] see what i did?
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$100 per peep per mouth to save the children on me right there. >> all right. let's do it. >> peep number one. >> okay. >> there we go. >> like the octuplets. here we go. ready? >> yeah. >> one -- >> one. >> uncle frank, you count them out loud as we go. >> two. >> two. >> three. >> three. [ laughter ] >> four. >> good job, uncle frank. >> four. >> five. >> five. >> six. [ laughter ]
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>> seven. >> eight. [ laughter ] >> nine. ten. 11. [ laughter ]
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12. 12. 13. 13. 14. 14. 15. 16.
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17. [ applause ] 18. 18. 19. 20. 20. [ laughter
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[ laughter ] >> wow. it's like we killed pacman. yeah. wow. congratulations. very well done. wow. unbelievable. you know, congratulations. you were the better man but i wanted to show you something real quick. i want you to know, guillermo sat on the yellow peeps before -- [ laughter ] dane cook, everybody.
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april 26 in connecticut. april 30 in albany. may 2 in long island. when we come back, 6-year-old genius pranav veera. we'll be right back.
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♪ all right. we are back. dane cook is here. pete yorn is on the way. boy, i have a rush going to my head right now. he's still in kindergarten, but with an i.q. of 176, our next guest is already smarter than albert einstein, bill gates and even alex trebek combined. from loveland, ohio, please say hello to 6-year-old genius pranav veera. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? how you doing? >> good. >> good. would you like a peep? >> yeah. >> yeah. there you go. enjoy. enjoy. how are you? thank you for coming. >> thank you. >> it's good to have you here. >> ah. [ laughter ]
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>> did you meet dane, did you say hello to dane? >> sound it out. >> you've gone peep crazy, haven't you? [ laughter ] you know what? why don't we wait and eat the peeps afterwards but i'll give the whole batch to you afterwards and your parents can deal with you. [ laughter ] okay? put the peep right there for a minute and then we'll talk and go peep crazy. all right? you are in what grade? >> i'm in kindergarten. >> kindergarten. does your teacher know you're smarter than she is? [ laught ] >> um -- >> you don't know, do you? >> no. >> now, not only do you know the alphabet, you know -- which most kids do, you know how to do the alphabet backwards. [ reciting alphabet backwards ] >> that's right. that's exactly right. that's very good. what do you like to do when
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you're not studying, what are your hobbies, the things you do for fun? do you play sports or anything like that? >> i play wii. >> nintendo wii? >> yeah. >> i'd like to quiz you on some things to see how much of a genius you are. okay? can you list all the presidents? george washington. john adams. thas jefferson. s madison. james monroe. john quincy adam anew jackson. martin van buren. william henry harris. hn tyler. james k. polk. zachary taylor. millfillmore. franklin p prce. james buchanan. abrahalilincoln. andrew johon. ulysses s. grant. rutherford b. haye james gaield. chesteter a. arthur. grover cleveland. benjamin hararrison. wiiam mckinley. eodore roosevelt. willlliahoward taft. woodrow wils. warren g. haing. cain coolidge. herbert hoover franklklinin d. roosevelt. dwight d. eisenhower. john f. kekennedy. ndon b. johnson. richard nixon. gerald r. ford. jimmy rter.
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rold reaga geororge h.w. bush. clinton. george w. bush. bara obabama.. >> wow. got all of them. >> yeah. >> but that wasn't backwards. >> it was not backwards. can you do it backwards? no, you don't want to do that backwards. what day of the week was july 6, 2002? >> july 6, 2002, july 6, 2002 was a saturday. >> that is right. it was a saturday. and what color socks was i wearing on that day? [ laughter ] i was born on november 13, 1967. who was presidenon that day? >> that day, lyndon johnson. >> that is right. and what was his first name? -- an what was his birthday? >> august 27, 1908. >> that is absolutely right. what is your favorite planet, just out of curiosity. i know you want to be a
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astronaut. >> my favorite planet is mars. >> why do you like mars? >> because it's red and red is my favorite color. >> do you think when you get there it will be red though? >> yeah. of course. >> do you want to go to mars one day? >> yeah. >> what would you do once you get there? >> um, well, i can look at the volcano. >> the volcano. that would be fun. did you know what i wanted to be when i was your age was being an astronaut too and the one thing i wanted to do more than anything was pee on the moon. >> pee on the moon? [ laughter ] >> and do you have fun, do you like doing tv shows and doing all these quizzes and this sort of thing? >> yeah. >> you do? and you have a brother or sister, anything like that? >> one sister. >> how old is she? >> 3 years old. >> is she a genius too? >> um, no. [ laughter ] >> well, we'll give her a little bit of time, right?
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i can only imagine, i hope one day you'll come back here, although i won't be here, i'll probably choke to death on an easter treat. but one day you'll come back here and you'll be to mars. who knows what you will have been -- maybe you'll be one of the presidents on your list. or maybe not. who knows? [ laughter ] you never know with these things. well, thank you for being here. do you have anything you want to plug? all right. that's pranav veera. he's 6 years old. and we're dressed the same. we'll be right back with pete yorn. e like? a miller lite. (announcer on call) ...he throws it acro the field. he's got something! 30...40...50...he's got it! 40! he's got it! 20...10...he'sot it! ...endzone! touch down! there are no flags on the field! it's a miracle! (announcer) that's what greatness tastes like.
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hi, there, we're back. this is his new cd called "back and fourth". it comes out june 23. here with the song "shotgun", pete yorn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ baby, gimme a sign joy message coming through with all we're leaving behind ♪ ♪ i miss you i want to know about you ♪ ♪ i want to live around you but it's easy to worry ♪ ♪ here oh, i hope i don't disappear ♪ ♪ i know, yeah, i know i know we'll have to choose ♪
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♪ but i'm leaving it all to you ♪ ♪ yeah, baby yeah, baby ♪ i needed some time to figure out my shame ♪ ♪ still walking through the mines ♪ ♪ explosions now afar i want to know about you ♪ ♪ i want to live around you ♪ but it's easy to worry here ♪ oh, i hope i don't disappear
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♪ i know, yeah, i know i know we'll have to choose ♪ ♪ is there anything left to lose ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, baby oh, yeah, baby ♪ ♪ when you're gone i know it's so hard ♪ ♪ i know if you come to me ♪ i can make us happy oh, yeah, baby i'm here inside ♪ ♪ i need to tell you something ♪ put your hand in mine what's
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your name, baby ♪ ♪ i don't know your name anymore ♪ ♪ i don't know your name anymore ♪ ♪ i never knew your name before ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, hey. i want to thank dane cook and pranav veera. our apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. how embarrassing. "back and fourth" that's his upcoming album. playing us off the air with

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