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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 16, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT

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it was a year ago today that investment banking giant lehman brothers filed for bankruptcy. opening the door to a total economic collapse, full blown recession. although we are seeing signs of recovery, an abc poll released this week shows aa staggering 1 million people are out of work. despite so much pain, however, you are starting to hear some of the same headlines that triggered outrage a year ago. more big bonuses for corporate executives and the same risky lending that got us into this mess in first place. so tonight we ask you simply, has the culture really changed on wall street? tell us what you think at the "nightline" page on abcnews.com or on the "nightline" twitter page. tomorrow night, it's a stunning "nightline" investigation. in a country where american pedophiles go to pursue their perverted desires. >> a couple weeks.
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>> a couple weeks? >> yeah. >> you're enjoying all the sights -- >> exactly. >> diversions? >> exact. >>i see wh happens when we go undercover to confront these predators abroad. an investigation you do not want to miss. but there's our report for tonight. "jimmy kimmel live" is up next. for now, i'm terry moran. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. tonight on the program, evil longoria parker, kelly clarkson and matt damon. matt has a new movie called "the informant." here's a sneak of what we have in store for you tonight. >> no running this time. >> i didn't run this time. last time you did. >> that's what i mean, no running.
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>> don't go anywhere. things are about to get violent. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes.
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>> announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- eva longoria parker. a special appearance by matt damon. and joel mchale. music from kelly clarkson. with cleto and the cletones. and now, right on time, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
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captions paid for by abc, inc. >> welcome the to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host -- hey, can i ask you a favor tonight? if anyone sees kanye west sneak up behind me with a microphone, give me a heads up. well, we have a strong show for you tonight. eva longoria parker is here. [ cheers and applause ] kelly clarkson is here. and we have something special from matt damon on the show tonight. matt damon was supposed to be on the show a couple of times i think. for one reason or another, it didn't work out. but tonight, it will. i hope anyway. if not, what are you going to do? but stay tuned for that a little later on in the show. this is kind of interest, i want to mention this right up front.
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you know that iraqi journalis who threw his shoes at president bush? well, he was released today after nine months in prison. his name is muntadahar and he said he was tortured while in prison. this poor guy, they made him bathe every single day. while he said he's still opposed to the u.s. presence in iraq he was somewhat apologetic. >> the iraqi journalist who threw shoes at president bush is free today after nine months behind bars. >> i sincerely apologize if my actions in any way brought on pain to taylor swift. >> taylor? well, everyone is talking about this conyea west thing aren't they? if you missed it, they -- kanye
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jumped on stage and said he thought that beyonce should have with won. i said, that doesn't sound like the kanye west i know. at this point wouldn't it be weird if he didn't storm the stage during an awards show? it caused a huge backlash from other celebrities who immediately began to send angry tweets. this is what they do now. instead of shooting each other, musicians tweet angrily. president obama actually weighed in on this accidently though. he thoht he was having an off the record exchange with reporters and here's what he said. >> i thought that was really inappropriate. you know? like she's getting an award, what are you butting in? i hear you. i agree with you. the young lady seems like a perfectly nice person, she's getting her award. what's he's doing up there? he's a jackass. [ cheers and applause ] >> you know that's --
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might be the first thing this president said that evyone in the country agrees on. [ laughter ] he went on to assure americans that if passed, his healthcare plan would offer fulloverage for whatever is wrong with kanye's mind. taylor swift was on "the view" this morning which -- the "the view" is the perfect place to speak uninterrupted. [ laughter ] here's taylor swift with a chance to explain her side of the story. >> you know, sunday while you were accepting your award, kanye west jumped on the stage and he took your mic. what was going through your mind? >> well, um, i think my -- >> oh, my goodness, taylor -- [ all talking at once ] >> taylor is singing! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> you know, she's got to learn to speak up for herself. meanwhile, kanye has been doing the right thing. he called taylor after her appearance on "the view" to apologize. she accepted his apology and says the details will remain private out of respect for him. but i have a feeling that e real reason she's keep it quiet is -- have you heard about this big special that they have planned? >> this wednesday night -- >> the moonman for best female goes to -- >> i always dreamed about what it would be like to win one of these some day. >> whose dreams were crushed. >> beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! >> finally gets her revenge. wednesday night at 8:00, pay back will be swift. [ laughter ] a swift kick in the nuts,
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wednesday at 8:00 on fox. [ cheers and applause ] >> a two-hour television event, don't miss it. and i'll have to say, with all the talk about this kanye and the carrying on at the vma's, i think not enough attention has been paid to this. >> and the moonman -- the moonman for best new artist goes to -- lady gaga. >> lady gaga! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> she had to have a seeing eye dog leader to the stage. like spiderman without the eye hole. last week, the former governor of illinois, rod blagojevich was hear on the show. now blagojevich was thrown out of office for allegedly trying to sell the seat barack obama left vacant. so while he was here, i
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suggested we sell the seat he was sitting in and we put it on ebay. the bidding is up to $3,400. if you want to buy the governor's seat, check this out. >> it was a moment that tv audiences won't soon forget. >> this seat that you're sitting on right now this is my seat. you could sell this vacant seat on ebay. >> okay. >> now, thanks to ebay and "jimmy kimmel live," you can own rod blagojevich's empty seat. the seat has clean lines and textured chenille cushion, hand signed by the disgraced former governor himself and previously used by a who's who of celebrities. shaquille o'neal, paris hilton, megan fox, tom cruise and macaroni and cheese expert ian golder. log on the ebay to bid on the empty seat and the winner gets a special bonus gift -- a lump of brag go hair found between the cushions. >> is it legal and ethical?
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>> this time it is. >> the bidders will be prosecuted and impeached. chaup -- [ cheers and applause ] >> that seat by the way, in addition to blagojevich has been sat on by not one, but four foxes. matthew fox, jamie fox, michael j. fox, and megan fox as we mentioned. you literally cannot buy a chair that a's had -- that has had more celebrity foxes on it than this one and it's been home to many philbin cheeks many a time. get your bids in as soon as. this is funny. on friday, there was a rodeo in washington state. i guess there probably is most every friday, but this one lost track of some of its animals which created this delightful turn of events. >> a funny thing happened as they headed for the fair. the cattle drive took a strange turn into this minimart and it was all caught on store surveillance. three steers tried to get in, but only two got the chance to browse the aisles of this
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minimart. they moved a few thechairs and tried to run back out through a window until a few real-life cowboys steered them back on to the streets. for the store owner's wife it was scary. >> just a really scary -- [ laughter ] >> you know, that's the sort of thing people from other countries think happens in america all the time. and this time it actually did. after two months of intense review, the homeland security task force is expected to recommend that the obama administration keep the color coded terror alert system they had been planning to get rid of. you know this terror chart, they recommended that they reduce the number of colors on the terror chart, but they keep -- actually, they're considering of going with the simple what they're calling an underwear chart. white means you have nothing to worry about. brown means we're in trouble. [ laughter ] much easier and just as effective, i think. oprah began her 24th season of
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broadcasting yesterday. and to kick it off, she gave everyone in the audience kiefer sutherland which i thought -- that's the kind of thing she can make happen because she's for oprah. obvious, she didn't have an audience, she had an intimate two-part interview with whitney houston. and i didn't know it, but whitney was using drugs and the news seemed to catch oprah off guard. >> what was your drug of choice? >> cocaine. >> cocaine. >> and marijuana. >> so it was weed combined with cocaine. >> rocco cane. and there were other things like heroin, cocaine and speed balling. but you level off with one -- okay? [ laughter ] >> okay. >> that's that. >> i can't imagine. >> well, me neither.
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you know, i like -- i watched both parts. i think the lesson that we learned from whitney houston and even rihanna if you're a beautiful -- female singer, don't marry anyone whose last name is brown. not even charlie brown. and one other important note, oprah owns dr. phil and rachael ray and now dr. oz. he has his own syndicated talk show. while i have not seen the show itself, i think the theme song is absolutely wonderful. ♪ he's the guy who taught oprah how to poop, he's the guy who taught oprah how to poop ♪ ♪ he's the guy plop plop plop ♪ >> isn't that something? hey, we have a good show tonight. eva longoria parker is here.
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kelly clarkson is here. and when we come back, matt damon and our security guard guillermo back together again. we'll be right back. show and tell... with all the pet hair in the air my eyes would really itch. but now i have new zyrtec® itchy eye drops. no other allergy itchy eye drop works faster or longer. zyrtec® itchy eye drops work fast i can love the air™. (announcer) find it in the allergy aisle.
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♪ hi there. oh, on the show tonight from "desperate housewives" on friday she's hosting "the alma awards," eva longoria parker is with us. as part of the at&t summer krush concert series, from her album "all i ever wanted", kelly clarkson. tomorrow night, david alan grier, a 10-year-old vacuuming expert and pink will be on the show. later this week, christian slater, rachael ray, jenna elfman, ed o'neill and sofia vergara and shara will be on the show. are you excited about that? are you a shakira fan?
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>> yes. >> who are you more excited about, sofia vergara or shark? >> both. >> both. this is guillermo, our parking lot security guard. applauding himself. [ laughter ] by the way, i want to say hello to uncle frank who's back on the job with us after -- uncle frank, how you feeling? uncle frank was in the hospital getting a vasectomy and he took off a few days. everything came out all right? >> yes, i'm ne. thank you. >> all right. no more unwanted kids, you program us -- you promise us? >> yeah. >> you know matt damon, the actor. i personally have a complicated relationship with him. matt has a new movie called "the informant" that almost did not make it to the screen because some -- i guess some of the footage got damaged an they had to reshoot a key scene, but matt couldn't make it to the reshoot. why couldn't he make it again? >> because he was at new year's eve doing a movie about the life of queen latifah. >> that's right. he was in new jersey -- he plays queen latifah and i hear he's
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amazing in that. since matt couldn't do it, they had to find another character. they did an amazing job. matt damon's replacement scene -- now you're going to see his co-star joel mchale and someone i think you might recognize from the new movie "the informant." enjoy. >> mr. whitaker, okay, ready? here we go. >> action! >> mr. whitaker, if what you're saying is true, the fbi could really use your help. >> of course i will help. there are things going on that i don't approve of. >> we want you to wear a wire. >> a wire? [ laughter ] >> a wire. >> a wire? [ laughter ] >> a wire. >> can you speak a little bit slow? >> will you wear a wire? >> what is a wire? >> there's a lot of traffic, sorry i'm late. [ laughter ] >> you.
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>> what's going on here? >> we're reshooting a scene. >> you're reshooting this scene without me? >> well, they said that you were busy with that queen latifah movie. >> queen latifah -- i'm not playing queen latifah. >> yeah, that's what they said. >> who told you that? >> um -- [ laughter ] >> dude, did you tell him i'm playing queen latifah in a movie? and you believed that? >> well, i -- what -- i don't know what people do. i mean, up until a minute ago i thought he was you. [ laughter ] >> you thought he was me? he looks nothing like me. >> i mean, i know that now. but he's a very good actor. >> he's not an actor. he's a parking lot attendant at [ bleep ] jimmy kimmel. >> i'm an actor. >> you're not an actor. this not the first time you've
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done. >>i i'm an actor. >> no you're not. >> yes, i am. >> is that my mustache? >> hey! >> don't just take things from people, man! >> okay, okay. let's just calm down. matt, take a breath. just take a breath. like -- [ breathing ] >> all right. >> how do you like me now, damon! no running this time. >> i didn't run last time. you did. >> that's what i mean. no running. >> bring it on! >> oh! >> i've been training. >> you have been training. hollywood rules. >> hollywood rules.
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>> why you guys fighting in slow motion? >> hollywood rules. >> what? >> we don't get hit in the face, we're actors. >> you look like idiots. look at you. you're like such a wuss way to fight. >> that hurts so bad! >> but it won't leave a mark. >> oh, thank god. >> we're not done yet.
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>> oh! [ laughter ] >> hey, guys. i think i have a way to make this scene work. okay. what's the way? >> oh.
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>> i'm about to tell you. it involves something -- >> yes. >> corps goes in one end and profit comes out the other. weird, right? >> mr. whitaker, if what you're saying is true, he fbi could use a little help. >> of course there's things going on that i don't approve of. >> we want you to wear a wire. >> a wire? [ laughter ] >> see? sometimes it's better to share. >> whatever. >> come on. i'll buy you a taco. >> i'm going to [ bleep ] kill kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> rated r, in theaters everywhere. >> "the informant" is in theaters on friday. guillermo, everybody. thanks to matt damon. we'll be right back with eva longoria parker. ♪
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♪ hi there.
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we're back. still to come, kelly clarkson will be here. our first guest tonight is a talented actor and restaurantier who you know on "desperate housewives." it begins the sixth season this year and you can see her hosting "the alma awards" and saluting every latino in the entertainment industry except guillermo. please welcome eva longoria parker. [ cheers and applause ] great to see you. >> good to see you. i'm so excited. hi, y'all. i forgot about guillermo for the alma awards. >> it's not too late. it's on friday, it seems like you can squeeze him in. >> i know. >> it's fun to squeeze him too.
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[ laughter ] >> in what category? >> is there a most adorable category? >> there's mine. >> well you get female and there should be a male category. maybe not this year. but at the very least what does the statuette look like? >> it's woman. really sexy. >> may i suggest that in the interest of fairness we make guillermo into a little statue and you present the guillermo to people at the awards show. >> that's agreed. >> wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? >> not real. >>i who's the big honoree this year? >> well, we've switched it up and we have a whole sports category. we show everybody's contributions throughout the year, but we're honorings of -- honoring oscar de la hoy a. >> well, he'd love a little guillermo on his mantel piece. >> and salma hayek and antonio banderas is going to present her
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with that. and we've -- you can't say his name in english -- ricardo montalban -- >> and that's the way you have to do it. >> then we have shakira. shakira is performing. >> very nice. >> nelly furtado. >> will you mention herveville achaise when you menti montalban? >> it will be in his montage. >> by the way, i'm looking at uncle frank and guillermo and i'm thinking of herve and riccardo -- >> the plane, the plane! >> did you have a good summer? >> yeah. we were in europe the whole time. >> your husband of course is part of the san antonio spurs. >> yeah. i'm secretly happy. we get there early or win it.
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don't drag me along and then lose in the final. you know what i'm saying? is. >> a little extra pressure. >> the first round, great. if you're not going to win it all, let's go on vacation. we went to rome. we saw a lot of sporting events. >> you like sports? >> we love sports. no no, i love sports. we're so competitive. >> we did a show in europe and it's like fear factor, but in france. it's crazy. except you don't eat the animals, but there's snakes and bungee jumping. >> it's like a french fear factor? >> like a french fear factor. >> aren't the french afraid of everything? what do they do, surrender to the snail? [ laughter ] wow. did you eat anything weird? >> no, you don't have to eat anything. but i had to find a key in all the buckets of stuff you don't know what's in it. there's mice, the other one was blood. and the other one was worms. you could see it on youtube.
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>> why would you do this? >> i didn't want to. tony made me. >> why did he make you do this for? >> it was for charity. trying to win as much money as you can. >> did you win a lot of money? >> we won 25 euros. >> which is -- >> $35,000. >> oh, tony blows his nose on that much money. [ laughter ] >> no, he doesn't! this is like the "price of right" of france. it's like an honor to be on the show. >> it sounds like it. >> it's crazy. because you have to run out and this money falls and you have to grab all the money and run and put in the bucket. that's the goal. i looked like a crazy person. i was running -- >> you were really competitive? >> yeah. >> were you competing against other celebrities? >> no, you're your own team and the team goes the whole show. >> i've gotcha. >> i was going to bring you a picture. >> you should have. next time. it sounds like a horrible experience for you.
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>> it was horrible. >> but entertaining for us. and tony is playing for the french national team. so he's in poland right now? >> yeah. >> you went with him? >> yeah, i went to poland just last weekend and i went for labor day weekend. >> do you li going to the all the games? >> i love watching him play. >> does he watch "desperate housewives" every week? >> he has never watched my show. >> really? >> and he watches "lost" and "grey's anatomy" and he watches "gossip girl". but he won't watch my show. >> are you kidding? >> he said not my thing. >> and i said, but "gossip girl" is your thing. >> he doesn't want to watch you be romantically involved -- >> no, it's not that. >> that son of a bitch. >> tell him that next time he's on here. >> you're running around poland
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watching him play with the french national team. the african -- with the french national team and the french can't play basketball. wow. you're mucmore supportive than he is. is this something you talk about in counseling? >> no. >> something g to be brought up. wow. i can't believe that you know what? you ought to get him for christmas the dvd box set. make him -- start at season one and he goes through the who thing. >> you should get him that. >> i will get him that and i will insist on a book report when he comes back. speaking of book reports, i heard you're going to college. you already have a degree -- >> i'm going for my master's degree. >> in what? >> in studies. >> when did this start? >> i've always wanted to go back. i do a lot of advocacy for the latino community. i'm like, what happened then, what's that law? a friend of mine said you should go and study it. >> what did the students think when they look over in class and they show up?
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>> i don't go to class. it's online. >> oh, it's online. >> it's independent studies. >> do you have tests and everything? >> yeah. i have midterm exams next week. then i have final exams. >> really? when do you study for this stuff? >> it's a lot of work, but in my trailer, on set. >> really? >> e -- yeah. >> i lost my textbook today and i was on the set and everyone was looking for my occupy america text. >> did they find it? >> i found it. >> do you have tests? you have to get graded? >> yeah, i have an a right now. >> you do? >> i have an a. i'm a nerd. i wish i was a student when i was young. >> you weren't as studious when you were young? >> i don't remember college. >> i had a similar experience. >> right? do you use anything you learned in college? >> um, i mean, really learning to vomit out the car window instead of in the car. you know? >> this is a valuable lesson. >> the only important thing we learned there.
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we'll come back and we'll talk about various things including "desperate housewives." your television program that your husband has never seen. eva longoria parker is here. "thelma awards" friday night. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ i'm cool like that, i'm cool like that ♪ ♪ i'm cool like that [ female announcer ] there's a smarter, cooler way to get your clothes brilliantly clean. and it's a turn for the better. ♪ i'm cool like that, i'm cool like that ♪ [ female announcer ] tide coldwater. it's specially formulated to clean in cold better than the other brand does in warm. ♪ cool like that and by washing in cold, you can save up to $10 on your energy bill with every 100 oz bottle. and that's cool. tide coldwater. get out of the old and into the cold. ♪ i'm cool like that hi, my name is kylie, and i found these happy words all over my dad's computer. 7.....7.....7....7.... happy words... need happy pictures. i'm going to make a slide show.
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kind of warm for a sweatshirt, isn't it? >> it gets really cold in the classroom. >> stop. lift it up. >> gabby. >> girls who spend an hour on makeup do not wear baggy sweatshirts. lift it. well, that ought to heat up the classroom. go and change. >> gabby, what is your problem? all the girls in my class dress like this. >> that's why your school nurse is an obstetrician. wear something else. >> that's the season premiere here on abc. eva longoria parker is here. we should mention because we neglected to mention that you're co-hosting with george lopez. on the alma awards. a very funny guy. >> very funny. and -- >> and also latino.
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i don't know if you know that so it works out perfectly. >> he has his own talk show. >> he's going to be very funny. >> well, we'll see. he's always funny. and "desperate housewives" are you still five years in the future? >> yes. >> why are you five years in the future because i don't understand why you skipped ahead. is it a reaction to "lost"? >> no, no. it was -- it happened last season where mark cherry our creator he wanted to push a reset and kind of start new. so he just decided to jump five years ahead which gave my children and made me fat and frumpy. >> you had to be fat for the season. >> well, i was fat. i gained a lot of weight. >> you did? >> i gained ten pounds. >> what for you is fat? >> i gained ten pounds and for my frame -- >> yeah, i'm sure you were a real blob. >> things wouldn't zip up in my closet. i mean, i was --
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>> and you were eva longoria porker. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> you weren't fat. how quickly -- did you just snap and that ten pounds went away? >> no because i'm old now. but -- >> yes. >> no, but i loved it -- i exercised. i started to exercise again and i eat right. >> your mom and dad are here. >> i know, my parents are here. >> hi, there, how are you? [ cheers and applause ] are they visiting or they live here in town? >> they're visiting fothe alma awards. my mom, do you want to come to the golden globes? do you want to go to the oscars? no. i want to go to the almas. >> well, you can win something. your daughter is the producer for god's sake. you should give them an award, they did produce you, right? they should win best producers. >> they should. [ laughter ] >> and you have a restaurant here in hollywood. >> have you gone? >> yes. we talked about it the last time. i guess you forget. i have been there for a couple of times.
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i heard yoyou're opening one i las vegas. >> yeah. in new year's eve. >> that's the best time to work out t th kksks of a a reresstat. [ laughter ] it is on new year's eve. >> right. but it's totally -- >> what hotel is it going to be at? >> at in the city -- in the city center. >> oh, in the new city center. we feel, everything is going your way. eva longoria parker. we'll be right back with kelly clarkson.
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so you can record in one room and watch in up to six others. you can do that with cable! living room. bedroom. kitchen. thank you. (announcer) get the amazing multi-room dvr from verizon fios free for 3 months. you can watch recorded shows in up to seven different rooms. plus get all three fios services, tv, internet and phone for the price of two. hurry, this offer won't last. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800.974.6006 tty/v this is her latest album called "all i ever wanted".
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from the samsung summer krush concert series, with the song "already gone", kelly clarkson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ remember all the things we wanted ♪ ♪ now all our memories, they're haunted ♪ ♪ we were always meant to say good-bye ♪ ♪ even with our fists held high it never would have worked out right, yeah ♪ ♪ we were never meant for do or die ♪ ♪ i didn't want us to burn out i didn't come here to hurt you now i can't stop ♪ ♪ i want you to know
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it doesn't matter where we take this road ♪ ♪ someone's gotta go and i want you to know ♪ ♪ you couldn't have loved me better ♪ ♪ but i want you to move on so i'm already gone ♪ ♪ looking at you makes it harder ♪ ♪ but i know that you'll find another ♪ ♪ that doesn't always make you wanna cry ♪ ♪ it started with the perfect kiss then ♪ ♪ we could feel the poison set in ♪ ♪ perfect couldn't keep this love alive ♪ ♪ you know that i love you so i love you enough to let you go ♪
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♪ i want you to know it doesn't matter where we take this road ♪ ♪ someone's gotta go and i want you to know ♪ ♪ you couldn't have loved me better ♪ ♪ but i want you to move on so i'm already gone ♪ ♪ i'm already gone, already gone ♪ ♪ you can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong ♪ ♪ that i'm already gone, already gone ♪ ♪ there's no moving on so i'm already gone ♪ ♪ ahh, already gone, already gone, already gone ♪
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♪ ahh, already gone, already gone, already gone ♪ ♪ remember all the things we wanted ♪ ♪ now all our memories, they're haunted ♪ ♪ we were always meant to say good-bye ♪
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need a lift? hey buddy, i appreciate the ride, you know. no problem. ♪ mind if i take a shortcut? yeah, sure. ♪ i knew the subaru legacy was the smart choice... what i didn't expect... was the fun. the all-new subaru legacy. feel the love.
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i want to thank eva longoria parker. i will not apologize to matt damon tonight. we finally got him in. tome night, david alan grier -- tomorrow night, david alan grier, and a 10-year-old vacuum expert and pink. and this is her new cd, from the at&t summer krush concert series, once again, kelly clarkson. ♪ i guess this means you're sorry, you're standing at my door ♪ ♪ i guess this means you take back all you said before ♪
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♪ like how much you wanted anyone but me ♪ ♪ you said you'd never come back, but here you are again ♪ ♪ come on 'cause we belong together now ♪ ♪ yeah united here somehow, yeah ♪ ♪ you've got a piece of me and honestly ♪ ♪ my life, my life would suck without you ♪ ♪ maybe i was telling you good-bye ♪ ♪ maybe i was trying to take a bite ♪

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