(breathing deeply) (snoring) kevin, wake up. (speaking indistinctly) it's jimmy. it's jimmy. i have some bad news. no. no. no. you didn't get nominated for "paul blart: mall cop." (sobbing) no. it's o--it's okay. (crying) jimmy, this was gonna be my shot. i know. i know. (sobbing) there's never gonna be another "paul blart: mall cop." i thought there was gonna be a "paul blart: mall cop 2." you know what i mean!

(whispering) you know what i mean. i'm sorry. you were really good in that. you know how the academy is with comedies. (sobbing) john travolta didn't get nominated for "old dogs." i don't care! i don't care! (laughter) yeah, you're gonna be all right. go back to sleep, okay? (groans) i'm gonna go back in the cabinet now. (smooches) (laughter) (normal voice) hey, jimmy. yeah? thanks. you're welcome, buddy. (whining) this was so unexpected. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (man) from hollywood, it's the fifth annua "jimmy kimmel live: after the academy awards," brought to you by subway, where winners eat. tonight... oh, it's good to be back. academy award winner... music from... the first-ever meeting of the...

gentlemen, i am handsome. show of not. not. (men) not. with... and now lights, camera, action. here's jimmy kimmel! (cheering) ♪ okay. very kind. i'm jimmy kimmel. thank you for staying up for... (cheers and applause) hour 48 of oscar coverage. (cheers and applause) all right, we get it. let me ask who-- who's ready to get "avatar"-ted in here tonight?

(laughter) well, thank you. i'd like to thank the academy-- um, "police academy," specifically, "police academy 3." (laughter) the 82nd annual academy awards have come to a close. the stars have been loaded into their limousines. they're on their way to parties, after-parties and, ultimately, "celebrity rehab with dr. drew." (laughter) the oscar is the most coveted award in entertainment. there's no question about it. they can say whatever they want, but the oscar, not only is it a beautiful ophy and a physical representation of the fact that an actor or a filmmaker has risen to the pinnacle of his or her profession-- if you screw off the bottom, there's a toothbrush in there. (laughter) people really want one. more than a million people tuned in to watch the academy awards tonight-- um, maybe even more. who knows? you know, i think americans can relate more to actors this year because, well, this year, most americans, like most actors, e unemployed, and... (laughter) you know who really hated the oscars this year? the, uh, kids from "slumdog millionaire."

(laughter) it was the last time they ate. (audience) oh! too soon? is it too soon? i want to congratulate kathryn bigelow for becoming the first... (cheers and applause) woman... first female woman ever to win "best director" and also the first woman ever to beat her ex-husband in front of a billion people on television. (cheering) she directed, um, she directed "the hurt locker." "the hurt locker"-- "theis a shoe store where they're all dressed like referees, right? (laughter) "the hurt locker" was a small but powerful movie about an army bomb squad in iraq. uh, people are calling it the mostealistic movie ever made about the iraq war. it's so realistic, president bush actually lied to get into it. he-- (laughter) he went to the theater. he told the girl at the box office... (applause) he was 65 or something. most people know kathryn bigelow used to be married to jim cameron, who directed "avatar," which, under california law, means even if he had won the oscar,

she'd still get it, so... (laughter) a married couple won for "best film editing" tonight. and here's a bit of oscar trivia for you-- there have been three married couples who won for "best original screenplay"-- um, m-muriel and sydney box for "the seventh veil," earl and pamela wallace for" and ben affleck and matt damon for "good will hunting." (laughter) so that's true. (applause) there were, um... who won the "best actress"? it was sandra llock. and, uh, jeff bridges won "best actor." no surprises in the "best supporting actor" categories, either-- christoph waltz, who will be on our show later tonight, n for "inglorious basterds." and mo'nique won for "precious," which was expected. but before the oscars, barbara walters sat down for an interview with mo'nique. it was interesting. it turns out the real reason-- the reason mo'nique has an apostrophe in the middle of her name-- it's short for "mo-nique." (laughter) right. barbara said tonight's show was her last academy awards special, and here is why. okay, now...

you do not believe in shaving your legs. no, ma'am. why not? if you have seen my legs, barbara-- now i'm , and i'm very hairy. (laughter) let me tell you-- that... (giggles)e. that is the fur that... (applause) those--that's the fur peta should be protesting on the red carpet, huh? forget the chinchillas. we got a chewbacca on our hands here. (laughter) you know what m-mo'nique could use? she could use some "mo-neet." (laughter) if her legs ever married martin scorsese's eyebrows, look out. this year, the mandate for the oscar producers was to bring in more young viewers, and to do it, they asked taylolautner and kristen stewart of "twilight" to present. miley cyrus was there, too. what they really need to do if they want to get younger viewers is hip up that "in memoriam" montage with se people that are still alive. it's, like, all dead people. (laughter)

steve martin and alec baldwin did a very nice job hosting the show. every--everything went well. the only negative all day, really, was that it rained during the red-carpet interviews. poor ryan seacrest. (laughr) um, his feet right now are oranger than snooki's face. it's... (laughter) because he wears a lot of that crap on him. (laughter) okay, we're clear? okay, good. you know, it doesn't rain a lot here in l.a., but i guess somebody forgot to call oprah or something because it did today, which was a big bummer for the actresses in their fancy dresses, but very good news for our "unintentional joke of the day." ♪ the rain is really coming down. i've never seen it... that's a special effect. rain this hard here before. we actually asked for that fountain behind us. it's like we're getting splattered from behind. well, that's... (laughter and applause) i can't imagine what that must be like. (applause) uh, one more item. we got--we got a lot of good stuff for you tonight, but the academy awards are-- they're a great way to recognize the accomplishments of our many talented professional actors,

but this year, the academy did a great thing. they also honored the nonprofessionals. you know, not every acto is in the movies. and here tonight, the academy award for "best tor... in real life." we're here to present the award "best acto.. in real life." and the nominees are... (man) was this a hoax, and will you talk to the police today? absolutely no hoax. (applause) (man) the baby of miss hunter is your baby. true? not true. not true. (applause) you know, i always thought that i was doing the right thing. (applause) elin has shown... (laughter) enormous grace... and poise throughout this ordeal. (sighs) (laughter) and... (cheers and applause) (drumroll) and the oscar goes to...

john edwards. i would welcome participating in a paternity test, be happy to participate in one. uh, i know that it's not poible that this child could be mine. accepting on behalf of john edwards is t-pain. uh, as always, i want to thank the haters. (laughter) you know, you can never forget the haters. (cheers and applause) we have a lot of things to feed you tonight. robert downey jr. is here, keith urban is with us, academy award winner christoph waltz. and we'll be right back with the most beautifulhering of men you could even imagine-- the handsome men's club. so, please, stick around. ♪ i happen to have one of the best bodies here. he's wearing spanx. (dramatic music plays)

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a wintermint flavor that warms... and cools as you chew. 5 gum. stimulate yr senses. and cools as you chew. on tevision. and ttest night, and what a show for you-- we have for you with the first-er look at his new movie trailer for "iron man 2"-- robert downey jr. is here. (cheers and applause) as--you know, we got some great questions

ofhe year in any category.ouris" tonight, he won the oscar for "best supporting actor"-- christoph waltz has something special for us (cheers and applause) and then later on-- this is his latest cd. it's called "defying gravity"-- keith urban from the bud light golden wheat stage. (cers and applause) on aight like tonight, the night of the academy awards, beauty--not only is it on display-- it's analyzed, evaluated. experts are flown in to determine who wore it best. lists are made to decide who is hot and who is not hot.