>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word from cars.com. the place to shop keconfidently. tools to make sure you get the right car at the right place. over the last few weeks, our friend yehya has been on a college football tailgate party pilgrimage. he's been to arizona to san francisco and it's been quite an edadventure and it's time now t take a fond look back. >> action!

>> action! hi, i'm yehya. i'm here for the game. for cars.com. show you how tailgate. i come for the -- let's go! >> want food? it's not good, man. i bring you falafel. i give you eat. good? >> tastes like feet. >> oh! >> drop it in my helmet. eat it! everybody eat it in my tailgate. i have falafel, make you very strong. how you are? it's falafel. go to cars.com? >> after i'm done. >> good luck, man! >> what's the plan, yehya? >> cars -- >> confidence comes standard? >> yeah, for cars.com. what i say now?

>> dicky: head to cars.com to find all the tools you need to shop confidently for your next car. cars.com. confidence comes standard. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with j.r. martinez and karina smirnoff. david beckham. dana delany. david beckham. dana delany. and music from nickelback.at&t? s 4g, so you can do more faster. so, kathryn, post more youtube videos of your baby acting adorable. baby. on it. matt, ignore me and keep updating your fantasy team. huh? jeff, play a game. turbo-boosting now, sir. dennis, check in everywhere you go on foursquare. that's mayor dennis... of the water cooler. you're the best. liz, rock out to pandora. oh, no i'm an only child. and nick, you shouldn't even be here, you can do everything from the golf course. good? good. [ male announcer ] on at&t, blackberry® torch moves at the speed of 4g. ♪

you've got to try the new sizzling entrees. [ sizzling ] [ male announcer ] fresh flavor never sounded as good as applebee's new sizzling entrees ok, i'll have that. [ male announcer ] try our juicy new double barrel whisky sirloins and more, starting at $8.99. come taste what's new in the neighborhood. now serving half-price appetizers late night. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- j.r. martinez. david beckham. dana delany. and music from nickelback. with cleto and the cletones. and now, i'll tell you what, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome. thank you, cleto.

hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. your approval is the only thing that keeps me alive. ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is at long last over. tonight the grand finale of "dancing with the stars." we did it. we spent more than 40 hours watching celebrities dance and tonight, we crowned a champion. we should be very, very ashamed of ourselves. [ laughter ] the winner was -- actor and purple heart recipient j.r. martinez, who beat out -- [ cheers and applause ] stiff competition from ricki lake and rob kardashian. it was nice to see a kardashian contending for a championship. usually they marry their way into them. [ laughter ] we will talk to j.r. and his partner karina in a few minutes. i want to congratulate all the competitors on a job well done, except ron artest who was terrible. [ laughter ] now that "dancing with the stars" is over, i don't know

what i'm going to watch anymore. when does the nfl season start? it did? what the hell is happening to me? hey, speaking of semifamous people competing in a reality competition there was another debate between the republican candidates for president tonight. they should force the top two candidates to do an instant samba and get this thing over with already. this is their 14th debate and there are still 12 more to go. the plan, i think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes rick santorum on the street. [ laughter ] the republicans have yet another front-runner this week. former speaker of the house newt gingrich is now on top. [ laughter ] thanks to her. newt has -- he's got 26% of the vote. mitt romney is now in second with 22%. at some point, mitt romney has to start taking this personally, right? i mean, it's like college. eventually the republicans will settle down with mitt, but in the meantime, they want to fool around with rick, herman and

newt first, see what happens. mitt romney did an interview with "people magazine" and admitted, "i tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again." my goodness. it has the makings of the lamest "behind the music" special yet. [ applause ] what a dark individual. and if you think -- if you think that's bad, jon huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left. [ laughter ] i don't know that that is the best way to relate to average americans. and -- do we really want a president who has only had one sip of beer in his whole life? what if he's in the oval office one day and decides, what the hell, he drinks a beer and suddenly he's on tv in his underpants declaring war on mexico? the star of the debate was herman cain. he didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of

expertise is pizza? yeah? anyway, wolf blitzer asked mr. cain a question about religious profiling, and not only did he get an answer, he got a new nickname. >> is it okay for muslim americans to get more intensive pat-downs or security when they go through airports than christian americans or jewish americans? >> no, blitz, that's oversimplifying it. i happen to believe that if you allow our intelligence -- >> jimmy: ron paul is like, oh, no, he didn't. no. [ applause ] they're on a half-name basis, i guess. i'm very thankful for herman cain and rick perry and all the blunderful people in the republican race right now. it's thanksgiving week. one of my favorite things to do before thanksgiving is watch the charlie brown thanksgiving special. they started airing it 28 years ago. so, to freshen things up a little bit, we removed the original audio and we replaced

it with audio from a republican debate and i think it really freshens it up. >> mitt, you hired illegals in your home and you knew about it for a year. and the idea that you stand here before us and talk about that you're strong on immigration is on its face, the height of hypocri hypocrisy. >> i don't think i've ever hired an illegal in my life. i'm looking forward to fding your facts on that. because that just -- >> i'll tell what you the facts are -- >> rick, i'm speaking. >> your newspaper -- >> i'm speaking. >> it's time for you to tell the truth. >> i'm speaking. i'm speaking. i'm speaking. you get 30 seconds -- i get 60 seconds -- >> the american people want the truth. >> you get 30 seconds to respond, right? >> they want -- you say -- >> would you please wait? >> you -- >> would you please wait? are you just going to keep talking or are you going to let me listen? >> 9-9-9. [ applause ] >> jimmy: they should eat jelly beans and popcorn at all the

debates. it's the g-o-peanuts. for me, the absolute best part -- turkey is great and sweet poe day taupe potatoes are great and it fun to get together with family, but for me, the best part of thanksgiving is having sex in your childhood bed. right? under a poster of magic johnson that's been there since -- [ laughter ] the day after thanksgiving the black friday. it's the biggest shopping day of the year and also the day we use the word "trampled" more than any other day of the year. black friday is the southwest airlines of shopping days. you get a better deal but it really brings out the worst in people. it's the one day of the year that it's perfectly normal to push an old lady down an escalator to get 40% off a v-neck sweater. on friday, occupy wall street gives way to occupy walmart. and there are -- there are so many large groups of people going berserk on tv this week, we thought it would be helpful to clarify who is who and what is what. so let's go through this, okay?

now that -- that is an occupy wall street protest. okay? this is a protest in egypt. and these are black friday shoppers. okay? [ laughter ] one more time. let's go through this. occupy wall street. okay? protests in egypt. and black friday. okay? so, you're flipping around -- [ applause ] and you're not clear, now you are. and by the way, before you go out shopping, be sure to squirt a little extra glue into your wig. [ laughter ] thursday night here on abc, we have a new thanksgiving special that i'm sure will be a classic, called "a very gaga thanksgiving." an evening with lady gaga -- for

real. [ laughter ] if the pilgrims had known about this, they may have turned the boat around. are we ready for a very gaga thanksgiving? maybe we should start with a mild to moderate georgia thanksgiving, see how that goes and move forward from there. but it's happening. lady gaga is going to sing, tony bennett is on the show. she's going to talk with katie couric. the whole gaga family is on hand. it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. >> this thursday, abc offers an intimate look at the life of lady gaga. see this award-winning artist like you've never seen her before. >> why did you just get so emotional? >> with a frozen turkey on her head. "a very gaga thanksgiving," only on abc. >> jimmy: you see, she's got a turkey on her head. because, if there's one thing she's known for -- [ applause ] this year, they say, 46 million turkeys will be killed for thanksgiving dinner. that's a lot. and another 2 million will lose

their lives in snowboarding accidents this year. [ laughter ] thanks to a number of advancements in food science over the years, since 1930, turkeys, the turkeys we eat have more than doubled in size. and they're still growing. they say by the year 2030 the average turkey will be bigger than snooki. [ laughter ] and this is something new, too. there's a company called green ridge farms that has come up with this. this is a real item. this is a boneless turkey. it's a turkey -- turkey breast meat compressed into the shape of a turkey but no bones in it. this is essentially the largest mcnugget known to man. [ laughter ] not a bone in it. and -- [ applause ] here, a little something for you to enjoy at home. yeah, there you go. and for those of you who don't like turkey, they also make this. this is real. this is -- i swear to god this is a real product. the boneless mini piglet.

which was my nickname in elementary school. it's a mass of pork shaped like a pig. eventually thanksgiving will be served in suppository form. we don't even eat it. this might be the most disturbing thing i've ever badly wanted to eat. [ laughter ] should i try it? no? [ cheers and applause ] how about a little? oh, look at that. [ laughter ] sorry. it tastes like human baby. it's actually not bad. there you go. enjoy. all right. and one more thing. you know, it always warms my heart to hear people share their childhood memories of the holidays, and in my experience, no one has finer or more heartwarming stories than the super heroes of hollywood boulevard.

these are the men and women that stand outside our theater dressed as comic book characters. they are interesting people with interesting lives and we thought it would be fun to ask them to share a thanksgiving memory for us. some of them were kind enough to do it. and so here tonight with his memories from holidays' past, our hollywood boulevard incredible hulk. >> hello, it's the incredible hulk. and i got a very, very good thanksgiving story to tell. one thanksgiving year, when i was about 9 years old, i decided i was going to go upon getting drunk for the first time. and let me tell you something, it went terrible, because i tried to hide it from my father because he doesn't like drinking. and when we all were sitting at the dinner table eating, i was getting buzzed. man, i was so hungry i was eating turkey legs, i was eating mashed potatoes with my hands. i had a whole can of cranberry sauce. next thing i know, i was pretty

messed up. so, my dad was like, wait a minute, joe, what did you just do? are you drunk? i was like, uh, not really. yes, you are. then my mom was like, you're too young to get drunk. and all of a sudden i ain't feel so good. that's when i was like, oh [ bleep ], i'm going to be sick. and i just puked all over everything. and then my parents got angry. and then my dad hops up and says, boy, i'm going to give you the whipping of your life. then things got a little out of hand. ♪ as long as we got each other ♪ we got the world sitting right in our hands ♪ baby rain or shine ♪

♪ all the time ♪ we got each other ♪ sharing the laughter and love ♪ >> the doctor said what's probably when my alcoholism started. happy thanksgiving. >> jimmy: happy thanksgiving, incredible. that's probably when it started. that's what the doctor said? we have a good show for you tonight. david beckham is here. dana delany is with us. we have music from nickelback. and we'll be right back with our "dancing" champion, so stick around. oh, big game, guys! what are we having? you've got to try the new sizzling entrees. [ sizzling ] [ male announcer ] fresh flavor never sounded as good as applebee's new sizzling entrees ok, i'll have that. [ male announcer ] try our juicy new double barrel whisky sirloins and more, starting at $8.99. come taste what's new in the neighborhood. now serving half-price appetizers late night.

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>> jimmy: hi there. we are back. tonight on the program, a man who this weekend with the l.a. galaxy won the major league soccer cup, david beckham is

here. and he's bringing his cup. and then, from the show "body of proof," the delightful dana delany is with us. and finally, with music from this new album, "here and now," nickelback from the bud light outdoor stage. when he settles down for turkey on thursday, one young man will have something specific to be thankful for, and that is a large glittering mirrored ball. here now via satellite with his dance partner ckarina smirnoff, please welcome the winner of re d"dancing with the stars" season 13, j.r. martinez. hello, karina. hello, j.r. what beautiful balls you have. >> thanks, man. it's -- amazing. >> jimmy: you -- purple heart, right? you got a mirrored ball. >> i'm -- i don't note what to do with this thing, man. i might glue it on the hood of my car. >> jimmy: that's not a bad idea.

>> jimmy: ma >> make a chain like a rapper. >> jimmy: i like that idea. when you were fighting in iraq, did you ever have any idea you would do this well on "dancing with the stars"? >> i didn't even know what "dancing with the stars" was when i was in iraq. you know -- i was too busy fighting the enemy. but it's amazing, man. like, they gave me an opportunity to come on the show and just show america who i am, outside of what they know, a veteran or "all my children" actor and show them i'm a person and she gave me an opportunity to show the world that, you know, i got a little moves inside me. i got a little moves, jimmy. >> like jagger. >> like jagger. >> jimmy: and karina, you suffered through steve wozniak, the situation, billy ray cyrus, i think. so, you really earned this, in a way, you went to war, too. [ laughter ] >> that's one way of putting it, yes, jimmy. but it was all worth it. >> jimmy: when you guys got paired up, did you think, oh, this is good, i could win this this year? >> no, you know, because i didn't know that j.r. was my partner and when producers told

me that my partner is a war veteran, my first question is, which war, world war i? so, i wasn't -- you know, i wasn't sure who i was getting. but then i met j.r. and -- it just clicked. >> jimmy: i guess so. and not only that, you were in "people" magazine's sexiest man alive issue this week. [ applause ] with your army buddies -- they must go crazy for this, right? >> no, they're jealous right now, man. they're jealous. but the truth is, they're so proud of me, man, and they've been pulling for me. the whole military community has been voting for me in the ten weeks. and jimmy, i just want to thank everyone at home that voted for us for ten weeks. just -- when i had a bad week, they still put us through and gave us an opportunity to come out and win this trophy. so, thank you, america, for believing in us and me. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, your bad weeks were pretty good weeks. you do realize, though, that this means you probably won't be

invited to the next kardashian wedding, right? >> well, you never know. there may be a few more. later down the road. sorry rob. much love. much love. >> jimmy: by the way, those mirrored balls should go right on the thanksgiving dinner table. right next to the turkey, right? >> you know, the way -- i'm enjoying this moment, i'll be kissing this -- that's all i'll be doing thanksgiving dinner. just kissing on this thing. my side will be the turkey. >> jimmy: you fought in the war, you won on "dancing with the stars," what's next? will you kill the loch ness monster? what is your plan from here? [ laughter ] >> you know, as heavy as this thing is, i can hit anybody and knock them out. what's next is, i'm going to write a book and continue acting and i want to continue to do motivational speaking, share with people who i am and what i've learned in my second chance of life. i just want to continue to be me and just share with people. >> jimmy: congratulations to both of you.

you did a terrific job. i can't think of a better choice to win this thing. you can see j.r. and karina on "good morning america," going to new york, now, right? >> new york city, here we come. >> jimmy: congratulations again, j.r. and karina. we'll be right back with david beckham. [ girl's voice ] hey todd, where's our sub? [ boy's voice ] i've already given my sub to sally. sally?!?! [ girl's voice ] hey samantha. how could you. [ male announcer ] get your own subway steak melt. like the irresistible big philly cheesesteak. subway. eat fresh.

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you'd do that for me? really? yeah, i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state fa at three in the morning. who is this? it's jake frfrom state farm. what are you wearing, jake from state farm?

[ jake ] uh... khakis. she sounds hideous. well she's a guy, so... [ male announcer ] another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. ♪ >> jimmy: hi there, we are back. still to come on the show, dana delany and nickelback. five years ago, our first guest came to this country with three goals in mind -- to popularize soccer in america, to make all our women swoon and to win an mls cup. and now, his work is done. here was the winning goal. you can see beckham heads it to keane who gets the assist, to landon donovan and the galaxy win. from the newly crowned l.a. galaxy, please welcome david beckham. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: look at you. now, what was that -- was that a flick on header, is that what they call that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's the differences between a flick on -- what are the different types of headers? >> i don't know too many because i tried to stay away from that kind of thing in the game. >> jimmy: do you find that there are certain hair mousses that are better for the flick-on header? >> i think heading the ball is not very good for the hair. >> jimmy: not good for the hair. you heard it here first. how are you? i imagine you are delighted, right? >> really good. it's been an amazing couple of weeks to reach the mls cup final and especially it being in our home, as well, is extra special. >> jimmy: sure. towards the end of your contract, five years, seems like it went by like that. did it go by quickly for you? >> it really has. we've had an amazing time living here in l.a. and playing for the

galaxy and finishing it off like this is -- really -- >> jimmy: interesting you said finishing it off because we are all trying to figure out what you're trying to do -- >> well, i'm saying that because it's the last game of the season, the mls cup final and it's the last game of my, you know, five-year contract. but it doesn't mean that i'm not staying here. >> jimmy: we can read between the lines. we know what's going on. [ laughter ] you should buy the dodgers. we'd like to keep you around here. that would be nice, right? would you ever consider buying the dodgers for us? [ applause ] >> i wish i could. i wish i could. >> jimmy: let's bring that cup in here and have a look at it. i believe -- you'll be lucky to get this back from guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] wow, that's impressive. there you go. that thing is -- that is imposing. do you guys drink out of this thing? >> we did. we had a few beers in it and we put some champagne in it. we had a few drinks. >> jimmy: you had the flu and like a torn hamstring during the game -- >> a little bit of a cold and i tore my hamstring four days

before the game which wasn't good. but -- >> jimmy: now all the other guys have a cold, too. after drinking out of the cup. >> they do. now, it doesn't matter. >> jimmy: the important games of the season are over. though you are traveling to other countries and playing. >> yeah, we go to the philippines, indonesia and australia on saturday, so, we're on tour. >> jimmy: playing games like that after winning the cup here -- does anybody care at all? >> of course we do. we're traveling to different countries, we have young players that have never played in different countries before. so it's exciting. but obviously the big one was sunday and that was the important one. >> jimmy: the big one, sure. and now this thing -- do you get to keep it, like the stanley cup where you each get to keep it for a little while or does it go right into the -- >> no, but i'm going to have to ask someone because i promised my sons i would take it into their schools. >> jimmy: that's a great show and tell item. >> i know. >> jimmy: really makes me mad at my own father. [ laughter ] how old are your boys now?

>> my boys are 6, 9 and 12 and we have a 4-month-old little girl. >> reporter: 4-month-old. now, your 6-year-old, i would think he's old enough to know now. when he's at the game, we see this every once in awhile when musicians will bring their kids to the show, they want to run out on stage and see daddy because they don't understand that you can't run out -- do your kids want to come out on the field and see you and tug on your shorts? >> yeah, they always want to be out there. but obviously for a cup final, they can come out there, it's allowed. the funny thing, on the leadup to the game, my son was like, what do you do after the game? i said, well, if we win, then we have champagne and we spray everybody in the locker room after. and i could see him thinking and the first thing that he said to me when he came opt the field, i leaned down to him to give him a kiss and he said, daddy, we can do the champagne thing. it was cute. >> jimmy: give him some grape juice or something, sparkling. yeah, i would imagine to a kid that's like having a -- >> and the funny thing was, we

was in the locker room and i kept him out of the way because the champagne was flying and i look back to see if he was okay and he was like that. [ laughter ] not catching any, obviously. but -- >> jimmy: well, things are different in europe, i guess, huh? >> totally different. >> jimmy: did you guys have a big party after the game? >> we did. the owners threw a nice party for us at the staples center which was nice. >> jimmy: how does that work, too? because let's say you didn't win the game, is the -- does the party still happen or is there just a party that goes completely to waste? >> we knew there was going to be a party after but, you know, the weird thing was, obviously, both teams were -- are owned by aeg. so both teams were invited, both sets of families were invited and the players were saying before the game, you know, if worse comes to worse and we lose, are we going to go i was like, and i was like there's no way i was going to go. >> jimmy: of course not. >> but the houston players were there -- >> jimmy: they did come? >> a lot of respect to them.

they had a great season and difficult losing in the final but -- >> jimmy: that must have been a fun party for them. more like a funeral party than anything. just sitting in a corner sullenly? or were -- >> it was okay. they had their family and friends there, so -- a lot of respect for them to turn up. >> jimmy: yeah, sure, i guess so. er don't note -- i would not have gone. >> we couldn't see any of them by the end of the night. >> jimmy: yeah, right. did you stay up pretty late? how long did it go? >> it went until about 3:30, 4:00. >> jimmy: wow. the kids didn't stay until then, did they? >> no, they were home in bed. my wife took them home after the game and she came to the party. >> jimmy: your parents were at the game? >> my parents, my inlaws, two of my best friends. >> jimmy: you had to get seats for everybody, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow, this could be a loss later for you, this whole thing. and do your parents watch your games? >> every one. >> jimmy: does your dad give you tips afterwards? >> he still tells me if i'm terrible in a game or if i played good.

because when i was a kid, he kind of never really told me -- if i played well, he would say, you did okay. but if i played bad then he would really tell me. >> jimmy: terrific. >> it kept me grounded. >> jimmy: i guess if you want to grow a david beckham, that's the way to do it. my parents told me i was terrific at every game and really i was just standing in center field with my mouth wide open looking in the sky hoping a ball didn't get hit my way. >> no, but the support -- >> jimmy: are they still here with you? >> my mom is staying, my dad flew back today. >> jimmy: oh, he did. and what about thanksgiving? will you celebrate? >> we celebrated it every year. >> jimmy: you understand what we're celebrating is a triumph over your people, right? [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. i am aware of that. i am aware of that. i'm trying not to think about it. >> jimmy: slightly bitter taste as you carve into the turkey. >> i just heard about black friday. i didn't know what it was until someone just told me. >> jimmy: it's where crazy people go shopping. >> i know. >> jimmy: they don't know we have something called the

internet where you can just press a button and get something sent to your home. >> i hope my wife is doing that on friday, not going, you know, to the shops. >> jimmy: yeah, no, that would be a bad scene for her, i would think. but i would imagine she's not at target trying to get, like, a -- >> you never know. you never know. you never know. >> jimmy: well, great to see you. congratulations. i hope you stick around. we love having you here. david beckham, everybody. the l.a. galaxy are the champions of major league soccer. we'll be right back with dana delany. yoohoo, hi. i noticed you used the largest cash back card... why is that? they give me 5% cash back at department stores this quarter. but only on up to $300 worth of merchandise. so the most you can earn is $15 dollars. chase freedom also gives you 5% cash back at

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>> jimmy: hello there. still to come, nickelback will be with us. our next guest is an

emmy-winning actress and she has her own show where most of her costars are dead. the show is called "body of proof." watch it tuesday nights at 10:00 here on abc. please say hello to dana delany. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> great. >> jimmy: good to see you. did you work today? >> i was up at 4:00 in the morning. >> jimmy: nice. well thank you for staying up so late. >> my pleasure. >> jimmy: what did you shoot today? >> oh, i have a new love interest. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> making out. >> jimmy: making out. that's -- is that fun? >> i love it. >> jimmy: you do? >> it's free kissing. >> jimmy: do you usually have to pay? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: you have a lot of dead people on the show. >> yes. i do. >> jimmy: which -- i think would make like stuffing a turkey would be easy for you, right? >> i don't have a problem with organs, no. >> jimmy: you don't have

problems with any of that stuff. before than, did you have problems with it? >> i didn't know if i did but i realized i didn't. >> jimmy: i always learn something about you when i read your twitter account and i think learn things in general. i want to ask you about a couple of things. >> okay. >> jimmy: one of them, you tweeted, big fan of cher, we went shopping once in the '80s. >> that's true. >> jimmy: how does that happen? >> i moved to new york in the '80s. i was in my 20s. i hung out at this bar called cafe central. bruce willis was the bartender. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. and cher was there. she hung out. we actually went shopping together and bought matching blue suede hot pants, which is a good thing to buy with cher. >> jimmy: that's what i always buy with cher, yeah. >> and then madonna was there, you know, dancing. i was just there. >> jimmy: did you know madonna? >> i didn't really know her. you know, just, as a group, we all just kind of hung out together. >> jimmy: and you knew bruce willis. did he ever charge you for a drink? >> i'm sure he did.

it was his job, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, i don't know. i would think not, but -- let's go to another one of them. monkeys like me. there was a spider monkey in brazil who did unmentionables. >> yes. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> i was doing a movie in the amazon. i was a nun in the movie and there was a zoo in the amazon, there was a spider monkey in a big cage and i looked at him and he got very excited to see me and i kept moving around the cage and he kept following me around. i kept trying to get away and he kept following me and he was -- yeah. i think it's a pheremone thing. and this has happened to me a lot. >> jimmy: what do you mean a lot? >> yeah, it happened at the san diego zoo, also. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. monkeys like me. i don't know what it is. >> jimmy: wow. i guess that's flattering. >> i guess. i don't know. >> jimmy: also terrifying. >> well -- we're all related, aren't we? >> jimmy: yeah, but some more than others.

i would think they'd be more fopd fond of me than you. well, monkeys really do react to you in a -- >> yeah. i guess it's a smell thing. i don't know. >> jimmy: all right. you also tweeted, this is from today. going to bring jimmy kimmel some presents tonight. >> yes. i have some gifts for you. can i get them? >> jimmy: yeah. i don't know what the presents are but -- i see they're in a cooler. so i hope it's beer. >> i hope you like them. >> jimmy: okay. this is what they are. >> jimmy: what does that say? human remains? great. this is not real? >> here's the thing. >> jimmy: all right. >> now, first, we have to get gloves on. these are mine. these are what i wear on the show. i didn't know whether you're a small or a large. >> jimmy: um -- i'm a large? [ cheers and applause ] is there a medium? >> this is another thing. this is very hard to do while you're acting is putting on these things and not having a

gloves fart, which happens a lot. >> jimmy: really? well, why wouldn't you have the gloves fart? howie mandel built a career out of it. >> all right, now, this is courtesy of the prop department, so we have to thank them. >> jimmy: how nice of them. >> this is what we use on the show. start with these, i think. >> jimmy: okay. oh, no. >> these are -- sheep eyeballs. >> jimmy: you need help? sheep eyeballs. >> can you open that? >> jimmy: yeah, great. oh, my god. i don't want them splashing on me. i'm trying to be careful. they're real sheep eyeballs? >> these are real sheep eyeballs. how are the sheep able to see without these? >> well -- >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> would you like to pick one up? >> jimmy: no. >> hold one. >> jimmy: i wouldn't but i will. >> this is what we do on the show. >> jimmy: is something going to jump out? how hard do you squeeze it? oh. >> there you go. >> jimmy: oh, my god in heaven.

>> now, if you were doing a real autopsy this is what i did in real life. you have to put a needle into the eyeball and draw out liquid. >> jimmy: you don't get paid enough for this job, i tell you. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'm starting to think i don't, either. >> all right. >> jimmy: are they going to get worse? >> yes. >> jimmy: what would be worse than that? >> okay. this -- i think we'll go with this one. these -- >> jimmy: okay. >> are sometimes known as rocky mountain oysters. >> jimmy: what? they're that big? [ laughter ] i mean they're -- they're normal. >> you can also smell it. i don't know if you can smell that but -- this is a -- >> jimmy: smells like talcum powder. [ laughter ] >> this is a bull testicle. >> jimmy: this is a bull testicle. >> yeah. this is how large they are. >> jimmy: this is why bulls are so angry with us. imagine this? >> it kind of makes you feel kind of small, doesn't it? >> jimmy: yeah.

yeah. and a little bit sick, too. guillermo, you want one of these? >> no. >> jimmy: no? all right. all right. >> i actually sectioned testicles in real life -- >> jimmy: why? >> you have to take a scalpel. that's part of the autopsy. you have to take a little section of the testicle. >> jimmymy: what do you do with it? >> you put it into a jar and you have a piece of it so you can say you've done the testicle. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. great. all right, and finally? >> oh, the smell is just horrible. this is the other thing you do as a medical examiner. my character is always doing this. you go like this all the time. >> jimmy: why? >> to smell it. i don't know. >> jimmy: supposed to teach you something? >> it's like somehow -- i can't remember, it gets up -- i don't know. whatever. i fake it, you know? i'm acting. >> jimmy: like a fine wine. >> this is a pig heart. >> jimmy: oh. oh, you know what? >> yes. >> jimmy: we could put it in this and bring it back to life. where does it go?

>> jimmy: i think it goes in the chest. there's a price tag. it goes -- all right. >> poor pig. >> jimmy: this poor pig. how about us? >> look at the ventricles. isn't it fantastic? >> jimmy: it's beautiful. >> this is a very healthy pig. because normally you would see a lot of fat around it so this is actually -- >> jimmy: this one has no bones. yeah. well, thank you so much for bringing these horrible things to us. >> not at all. >> jimmy: dana delany. you can watch her on "body of proof" tuesday nights at 10:00 here on abc. we'll be right back with nickelback.

>> jimmy: this is their new album. it's called "here and now." here with the song, "when we stand together," nickelback. ♪ ♪ one more depending on a prayer ♪ ♪ and we all look away ♪ people pretending everywhere it's just another day ♪ ♪ there's bullets flying

through the air and they still carry on ♪ ♪ we watch it happen over there and then just turn it off ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah we must stand together hey hey yeah there's no giving in ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah hand in hand forever hey hey yeah that's when we all win ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah ♪ that's that's that's when we all win that's that's that's when we all win ♪ ♪ they tell us everything's all right and we just go along ♪ ♪ how can we fall asleep at night when something's clearly wrong ♪ ♪ when we could feed a starving world with what we throw away ♪

♪ but all we serve are empty words that always taste the same ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah we must stand together hey hey yeah there's no giving in ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah hand in hand forever hey hey yeah that's when we all win ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah that's that's that's when we all win ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah that's that's that's when we all win ♪ ♪ the right thing to guide us is right here inside us ♪ ♪ no one can divide us when the light is nearly gone ♪ ♪ but just like a heartbeat the drum beat carries on ♪ let me hear you! ♪ and the drum beat carries on

♪ hey hey yeah we must stand together hey hey yeah there's no giving in ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah hand in hand forever hey hey yeah that's when we all win ♪ ♪ hey hey yeah that's that's that's when we all win ♪ ♪ that's that's that's when we all win ♪ >> jimmy: i want to thank j.r. and karina, david beckham and dana delany. i want to apologize to matt damon. this is their new album. "here and now" is out now. playing us off the air with "burn it to the ground." see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com. once again, nickelback! good night!

♪ ♪ ♪ well its midnight damn right we're wound up too tight ♪ ♪ i got a fist full of whiskey the bottle just bit me that drink makes me so crazy ♪ ♪ we got no fear no doubt all in out ♪ ♪ we're going off tonight to kick out every light take anything we want drink everything in sight ♪ ♪ we'll go until the world stops turning while we burn it