and he said, calista doesn't care what i do. >> more from brian on that. thanks. that's tomorrow night. until then, jimmy kimmel's next. "gma" in the morning. have a great night, america. up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- will arnett. >> wikipedia went down today. i can't look it up. it went black. you know what they say? once -- well. >> a new season of "american idol" premiered on the fox network. steven tyler crawled out of his coffin this morning. saw his eye shadow. now, there's six more months of karaoke. >> madeleine stowe. and comedian, dana gould.

>> jimmy: hi. i'm jimmy kimmel with a reminder from genetech, the flu is highly contagious. this season, make sure you aren't that guy who spreads it around to others. hey, there, guillermo. you don't look so good. do you have the flu? >> no, jimmy. don't worry. i don't have the flu. i just feel hot and sweaty. >> jimmy: i think you might have the flu. look at the f.a.c.t.s. do you have a fever? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you have aches? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you have chills? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you have tiredness, with sudden onset? >> yes. i have all of those things. >> jimmy: do you have a

mustache? >> yes. >> jimmy: then, you need to go to the doctor. >> tnk you, jimmy. now, you need to go to the doctor, too. >> dicky: for more info, go to facebook.com/flufacts to download the fight the flu app. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with madeleine stowe, comedian dana gould and will arnett. gould and will arnett. how it feels to chew 5 gum. peppermint that cools as you chew. 5 gum. stimulate your senses peppermint that cools as you chew. jim wilson? here is the chase freedom 5% cash back you get on amazon.com purchases. wow! and your kindle fire. thank you. do you have any bubble wrap?

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♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- will arnett. madeleine stowe. and comedian dana gould. with cleto and the cletos. and now, be very careful. here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi. that's very fine. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. i'm glad you're in a good mood. did anybody else miss wikipedia today? wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that's making its way through congress right now. i'll look it up in wikipedia if it ever comes back. it's s.o.p.a. it's for the stop online piracy act, which would allow the government to come in and shut websites that violate copyright laws down, which the websites don't like. wikipedia was 1 of 7,000 websites that went black today. i was unable to see any cats dressed like hitler today. that's when you hits you the

hardest. you know? i felt like i was living on "little house on the prairie." [ laughter ] but i guess the blackouts worked because it got a lot of attention. is that? or it's a well-orchestrated plot by jeeves to get people to ask him things again. i anticipated this wikipedia blackout. i've been planning this for years. so, i had guillermo memorize all of wikipedia for me. guillermo, what is the year and day that george washington was born? >> friday, february 22nd, 1792. >> jimmy: isn't that amazing? who invented lego's? >> kirk christensen, a carpenter from denmark, 1922. >> jimmy: and let me tell you something, the great thing, he's not reading that off these big cue cards that are right here. how are babies made? >> with love. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: with love. right there.

thanks for filling in. you know, burger king has an interesting, new business plan. burger king has announced they're trying out a new home delivery service at select restaurants. i've been trying to get a reservation at burger king for weeks. if you live within ten minutes of a participating burger king restaurant, you can call in or have food delivered to you for a $2 surcharge. and for $3, the delivery guy will put the food in your mouth and use his hands to help you chew it. remember in "wall-e," when the humans were too fat to move? so, they hovered around? we better get to work on the recliners. phase two is what they're calling the whopper cannon. it pairs with the gps on your phone, to find the exact location of your mouth and fires whopper after whopper into your

mouth. you never have to think about being hungry. it already knows. i know we have fat packers fans in the audience. this is a packers fan named casey who is a bigger fan than you guys. she was really upset after the packers lost to the giants on sunday. so upset, that she started crying. and her sister, wisely, took the opportunity to videotape her and post it to youtube for all of us to enjoy, too. >> i believe -- [ crying ] and they lost. the packers lost. you can tell from the sparkles on my nails. >> i'm sorry. don't cry. >> this is your fault. you took me -- the sparkles. i told you not to do the sparkles. and you told me to do it.

it looked great. i don't care about great. i want the packers in the super bowl, megan. and i wore my jersey. why didn't i wear my aaron rodgers jersey. and you said no. >> jimmy: sparkles bad. giant block of cheese on your head, good. [ applause ] that block of cheese actually might come in handy when she goes through the windshield because her sister shoots video while she drives. let's see -- can we -- let's see if we can get in touch with her. i have a lot of questions. i want to know more about the sparkles. and i'd like to go through that video with her. in other sports tantrum news, the stroilen open. marco baghdatis lost in the second round this morning. he was upset the way he was playing. and he took his frustration out

on the tool of his trade. >> put that one away. >> jimmy: good thing he isn't a hunter. [ cheers and applause ] you know, if they made them pay for those rackets, this sort of thing would not happen. but they don't. and so, the destruction continued. and the sad part, by the way, somewhere in africa, there are children without any tennis rackets to eat. he broke four. here in los angeles yesterday, our city council passed an ordinance that will require

adult film actors to wear condoms in -- male adult film actors to wear condoms in movies shot in the city limits. the adult film industry are vehemently opposed to this. they think that men who are their primary customers don't want to see a condom in porn. with a condom, you can't feel the sex that you're watching some random dude have. it's not -- [ laughter ] the ordinance is being passed to mayor villaraigosa for approval. and if he signs it, many of the porn companies are threatening to leave town. and technically, kim kardashian made a porn. she should leave, too, right? [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if there's a charlie sheen island out there somewhere for them to live on. they need to work this out. first of all, the main reason men go to the gym in l.a. is because there's a chance of seeing a porn star on an

elliptical machine. without that, 24-hour fitness could go bankrupt. but let's be honest. the porn industry isn't going anywhere. they belong -- we have the infrastructure they need. we have the hot tubs. the implant doctors. the empty rental houses with one pleather sofa and a plastic fern in it. in nebraska doesn't that have. i'm sorry. in other l.a. news, a horrible discovery was made near the famous hollywood sign. they found a severed human head. here's more from our friends at ktla. >> the hiking trail was shut down where a hiker's dog found a severed head in a bag near the hollywood sign. detectives say the discovery may be the result of a recent murder. >> jimmy: you think? [ laughter ] don't jump to conclusions. maybe someone misplaced their head. could have been a botched

supercut. [ laughter ] speaking of top-notch journalism. >> are you familiar with the show "inside edition"? it's a terrific program. and they're asking what happened to celebrity faces. they show a celebrity and say, what happened to his or her face? like this. >> what happened to clay aiken's face? and what happened to marie osmond's face? plus, suzanne sommers. what happened to her face? >> jimmy: i don't know. maybe there's a face monster on the loose. yesterday, someone alerted me to this on twitter. and sure enough, they did it again. next, what's rihanna smoking? the blunt truth. then, what's up with bruce jenner's face? >> jimmy: now, that's a question that should have been asked in 1992. [ laughter ] i think the answer is, everything. everything you can imagine has happened to his face. [ laughter ] a new season of "american idol"

premiered tonight on the fox network. steven tyler crawled out of his coffin this morning, saw his eye shadow. now, there's six more months of karaoke. it's good to see ryan seacrest back on television. we haven't seen him since new year's eve. they held auditions in savannah, georgia tonight. j. lo said yes. randy said dog. good singer. crazy person. good singer. seacrest out. that's pretty much how it went. [ cheers and applause ] we have an "american idol"-related tradition here at the show. we like to watch steven tyler watch the female contestants. he doesn't just undress them with his eyes. he undresses himself, then them, then, everyone else in the room with his eyes. he does this pretty much every night. and with a new season starting tonight, he did not disappoint

us. for the first time, for season 11, this is steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. >> tell us about yourself a little bit. >> well, actually, i am a volleyball player. >> jimmy: already in mid season form. a lot of guys would have to work up to that. [ applause ] you know, after all these years and with all the copycat shows, "american idol," it's still the only show on tv that has the power to catapult a young singer from absecurity to fame and then back to obscurity again, almost immediately. and to prove my point, we sent my cousin sal out on hollywood boulevard today, to ask people who watch the show regularly, a simple question. and that question is, after all the attention, after all the hype, after all the promos, do you remember who won "american idol" last season? >> you guys watch "american

idol"? >> yes, we do. >> oh, good. this should be easy for you, then. can you tell me who won last year? >> it was -- >> oh. oh, my god. she -- i really can't. >> you can't remember? >> i can't remember. >> nope. i have no idea. >> i really don't remember. >> you don't? >> i know who won like the first season. >> you do? >> yeah. >> you know what i like your laugh. i'm just going to tickle you a little bit. all right? >> he's like a country singer. >> yeah. yeah, he is. >> yeah. >> but what's his name? >> i don't know. >> what if i show you a picture? could you tell me? >> maybe. >> all right. there. you remember him? >> daddy. >> is it daddy? >> yeah. >> i think you're paying for

your own college. sorry. it was this guy. you recognize him? >> i don't. >> no one can tell me who won "american idol" last year. do you know? >> i certainly do. >> the country-themed kid. >> what's his name? >> scottie mccreery? >> scotty mccreery's right. here, hold this. >> what do we win? >> nothing. we just take you away. >> and there she goes. and so, i'm just hanging out here, with the popcorn. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a good show for you tonight. from "revenge," madeleine stowe is here. comedian dana gould is with us. and we'll be right back with will arnett. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back. tonight on the program, from "revenge," the villainous victoria grayson herself. madeleine stowe is here. and then, a very funny man. you can see him live in austin, texas, at the cap city comedy club, january 26th through the 28th. dana gould is with us. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we'll be joined by tom arnold. from the movie "joyful noise," keke palmer will be here. and we'll have music from filter. and we have a new show on friday, with terrence howard, the young star of "extremely loud and incredibly close," thomas horn. and music from safetysuit. so, join us for those. our first guest tonight has been blessed with good looks, comic gifts and the voice of a canadian snow angel. his show is called "up all night." watch it thursdays at 9:30 on nbc. please say hello to will arnett. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> woo. >> jimmy: you look very dapper. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's good to see you. how's everything? >> really good. happy new year. >> jimmy: thank you. >> i think. in case they replay it. we'll say happy 20 -- use this for years. >> jimmy: i don't know how long you can go into the year. but i've not seen you. >> it's legitimate. >> jimmy: it is legitimate. >> and i think i can say this on air. we're legitimately friends. >> jimmy: we are legitimately friends. >> we have a relationship outside the show. >> jimmy: we really do. >> we really do. >> jimmy: isn't that great? >> it's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like we're coming out right now. with our friendship. guys, come on. >> jimmy: yeah. how are you? everything's good with you, i hope. >> everything's really, really good. a couple of things. i could do a wrap-up show on your first part of your show.

>> jimmy: go ahead. >> you covered a lot of ground. >> jimmy: i try to, yeah. >> people from wisconsin. they're hoping to get good moments tonight. >> jimmy: they are hoping to get good moments. have you had any good moments? >> we're so thrilled. come on. lay off with the camera, at least. come on. >> jimmy: we covered a whole bunch of things. >> you covered a bunch of things. but one of the things that you covered that really stuck with me, i actually -- this is late-breaking, totally true. a very good friend of mine -- it was her dog that found the severed head in the hollywood hills yesterday. >> jimmy: no kidding? for real? >> i swear to god. >> jimmy: for real? >> absolutely true. >> jimmy: really? >> she's going to kill me. well, kill me. >> jimmy: wait a minute.

wait. >> maybe she -- that's just going -- >> jimmy: a person of interest. wait a minute. tell me -- >> her dog walker. that story's out there. i don't think i'm violating anything. >> jimmy: yeah. >> her dog walker was out. and her dog emerged from the bushes. the biggest event on her side of the thing, she had to go to lapd to know that her dog was off the leash. i think they have bigger fish to fry. you know what i mean? it's not like heads are going to roll for -- sorry. even i feel embarrassed by that. but thank you. >> jimmy: the dog came back with -- >> the dog came out with the human head in its mouth. >> jimmy: oh, wow. and you know how people think that dogs are human and they know this and that? that's what they should visualize is the dog coming out with one of our heads. >> it was a pretty graphic scene. just occurred to me, too. i just said rest in peace. is the resting -- i guess it's

too late to say that. right? >> jimmy: i guess. >> just all respect. >> jimmy: well, of course. we say this only with the utmost. >> the utmost respect, yeah. >> jimmy: and dignity. >> that's crazy, right? >> jimmy: befitting someone who's head was discovered by a dog. >> and i guess -- they've ruled out suicide? >> jimmy: i think they did, yeah. [ laughter ] >> take another look. take another look. >> jimmy: you -- i think, by the way, this is the ninth time you've been on this show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which is -- >> is it nine? nine times? >> jimmy: yeah. we've been on nine years. this is the very beginning of our tenth season. you've been on once a year, for nine years. and it's nice to have you here. >> yeah. it's great to be here. i always have a good time. >> jimmy: how is your wife? your lovely wife, amy, doing? >> she's great. it's funny. we're now -- i look at it like, we're back at work. but this is when our holiday starts. our holiday starts when the

holidays are over. >> jimmy: why is that? >> because the holidays are so filled with, you know, my wife's family. no. i'm kidding. [ laughter ] i'm kidding. we did have an incident over the holidays where -- >> jimmy: you did? >> a family member, who will remain on her side of the family -- [ laughter ] so, just so nobody -- there was some sick kids. and everybody got sick. and we -- everybody got sick. >> jimmy: really? >> everybody got the throwup virus, you know, whatever. >> jimmy: the throwup virus? >> yeah. sorry. puke bug. wikipedia was down today. i couldn't look it up. it went black. you know what they say? once you -- well. they're going to come back. they're going to come back. don't worry. but they're thinking about it. they're like, hey. yeah. >> jimmy: who is this person? you don't want to identify this person? but somebody brought sick people over to your house? >> yeah. it's not -- it wasn't her

sister, because she doesn't have one. >> jimmy: uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> so -- >> jimmy: do you think this was intentional? do you think this is something they knew about? >> i don't think he brought patient zero with him to try to, like, you know -- >> jimmy: maybe there's some sort of hostility because you're doing so well in showbiz? >> every decade, you know what it's like, when kids get sick. >> jimmy: they're little diseases. >> it gets rougher for the adults. it goes over -- we have bigger vessels for the bug to really develop. >> jimmy: yeah. >> kids, it just moves through. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i had a friend, by the way, who used to have a theory. he always wanted to date a -- he always wanted to date a small person. because his theory was that the smaller the person, the nerve endings were closer to erotic zones. less distance to travel. he might be able to pleasure them easier. >> jimmy: was he a physician? >> he was not a physician.

he was an acting teacher. and a great one. >> jimmy: you guys were at the golden globes. amy was nominated. >> amy was nominated for "parks and rec." which was great. it was fun. it's kind of -- it's fun to goes to those -- it's sort of like a prom. i will say this. the golden globes are -- they're like one of the grandaddies of them all. but they're are a lot of award shows these days. >> jimmy: there are? >> i feel like when you watch other award shows, that people are glib in their responses now. >> jimmy: because -- >> there's too -- >> jimmy: some of the celebrities are actually holding back tears when they -- >> what are you waiting for? what do you want god to give you an award? come on. give me a break. you're holding back that -- that's your thing. >> jimmy: that's your time to cry. >> exactly. and by the way, award shows give awards to other award shows. >> jimmy: that is true. >> great. i hope i win an oscar because

then, maybe i'll win an emmy this year. don't they -- if an awards show gives another awards show an award -- isn't that like looking into a black hole? >> jimmy: yes. >> don't you start to turn into michael j. fox in that photo he held up in "back to the future" that starts to fade? oh, my god -- get your damn hands off me, biff. >> jimmy: i think it does. i don't like it, either. i think it's ridiculous. >> anyway. >> jimmy: it doesn't add up? >> it doesn't add up. >> jimmy: there is a vest. there is a puffy vest. >> they thought it was a life jacket. >> jimmy: you don't like that. you don't care for that. did you get drunk? >> i don't drink. i famously don't drink. >> jimmy: you famously don't drink. that's a weird thing to be famous for. >> that's how i got famous. >> jimmy: but everyone around you is doing this? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and do you feel -- at that show, i think more than any other show, they put the camera on people to see how they're

reacting. are you aware of that at all times? >> you do get kind of nervous. you don't want to get busted looking at your phone or picking your nose. >> jimmy: right. >> or also, if someone's giving a kind of jackassy acceptance speech, you don't want to look at the other person like, come on. oh, great. you're the jerk. i do spend, you know, 80% of it going, come on. you know? yeah, right. there's people win, like, i want to thank these people who co-wrote. you should thank the people who co-wrote the song with you. madonna. [ laughter ] it's a bad example. >> jimmy: madonna had a very heavy accent. >> she's going to lash out at me. >> jimmy: she's going to be mad at you. she follows you? physically or on twitter? >> both. wait, that head was found near her old house. [ laughter ] her old house. like i know. >> jimmy: i think you're right,

though. i think her old house is there. >> probably. this is hollywood. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. of course, your show's called "up all night." it's doing very, very well. you're on thursday nights now. >> we're -- we've moved. we moved. we're the caboose on the thursday night comedy block on nbc. we're kind of bringing up the rear. it's been a lot of fun to do. it's doing great. and i'm really excited it's on thursday nights now. i feel like for it to take off, i need to get a catchphrase. and i don't have one yet. >> jimmy: your character needs one. >> i've been kind of inorganically trying to insert a catchphrase into the show. >> jimmy: that's a really great idea. >> after i say something, i say, i don't know. that's just chris. just my character's name. and he's saying about it himself. >> jimmy: i like the third-person thing. >> that's just chris. right? and maybe like a -- like a spin-off will come out of it. >> jimmy: you're already spinning yourself out of the show and on to your own show? >> yeah. drama.

it's drama. first time ever spinning a drama. it's a darker -- >> jimmy: the spin-off is? >> yeah. chris is an intravenous drug user. >> jimmy: where is he living? >> he lives like under a bridge. and he's just kind of, riding the rails with hobos. i don't know if they still have them. but they might bring them back if they test well. >> jimmy: that sounds great. >> it's the lowest testing show ever. i think -- i'm considering doing a thing where he's cut off at the waist. he has no -- >> jimmy: no legs? >> immediately, you're like, you're asking the question, like how does it all work? and in the pilot episode, we get right into it. like, really graphically. we show you the -- it's terrible. >> jimmy: we're missing a lot of body parts in this particular interview. the head is gone. the legs are gone. all we're left with is a torso. >> and you know what we're left with? we're left with the heart, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like that. >> we'll be right back. >> jimmy: maybe that would be it. i know you're also doing a --

you're involved in an animated project. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a disney film, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what is this film? >> a new film called "the secret film of arate." they're releasing an american version, which is great. i am involved with the japanese version. >> jimmy: you do a lot of voiceover work. how did you get involved with this particular one? >> my association with the japanese language. >> jimmy: you do speak japanese. >> i speak japanese. i'm in the original. they're going to do the english version here. >> jimmy: we have a clip. the clip we have -- >> it's from the original. >> jimmy: this is from the original cartoon. >> they're releasing it here. but this is from the original. >> jimmy: this is from the original. and i did not know that you spoke japanese. >> yeah. i know. it's one of those funny things. people have weird stuff. if you were able to look them up on wikipedia, you'd see i speak japanese. >> jimmy: but it's gone dark. >> and it will never go back. >> jimmy: take a look -- >> "the secret world of arate."

>> sounds great. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: can i say that? it seemed like -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: i think your annunciation. it seemed like you were saying tomo orygato mr. roboto. >> thank you. >> jimmy: will arnett, everybody. "up all night," airs thursdays at 9:30 on nbc. we'll be right back with madeleine stowe. [ cheers and applause ] [ sponge ] the prognosis is bleak. you may need to soak overnight.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. we're back. dana gould will join us. our next guest, the most evil, conniving woman on this network, not including the women on "the bachelor." her show is called "revenge." watch it wednesday nights at 10:00 here on abc. please welcome, madeleine stowe. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] how are you?

>> i'm well. >> jimmy: you look great. i know you were also, like will, at the golden globes show. >> we were at the same table. >> jimmy: you were? >> he has the most charming wife i've ever met. >> jimmy: he does have a charming wife. >> i was afraid of her at first. >> jimmy: how come? >> she is so daunting-looking. >> jimmy: you think amy poehler is daunting-looking? >> yes. she intimidated the hell out of me. >> jimmy: that's interesting. you probably get that a lot from people because of your tv show. >> as of late, yeah. >> jimmy: as of late. is it fun being bad -- the bad person on the show? >> it's delicious. all this evil, horrible stuff that roils around inside me, gets to be put in a certain framework. and it's good. >> jimmy: do people fear you now? >> you know, it's very odd. when they come up to me these days, there's a lot of whispers and a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, kind of. and i don't know what to make of

it. but i kind of like it that way. >> jimmy: why not? yeah. if you're going to play a character like that, you might as well have people buy into it. >> especially when you're socially -- >> jimmy: might have people be standoffish and scared of you. are you phobic, in general? >> generally so. i'll stay in my house and retreat. >> jimmy: when you go to an awards show like that, what do you do? do you get loaded? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you really? >> so loaded. i remember the first time i had to do something like that. i was a presenter at the oscars. and i had about five crown royals, which is a total sailors' drink. >> jimmy: we used to drink that in high school. yeah, crown royal. >> it came from my texas days. hanging around a lot of rodeo guys. >> jimmy: same here. yeah. >> like, woo. it was kind of great. and i remember just pounding one down after another. and going on stage and

presenting for a film. and all i remember was emma thompson sitting in front of me. kind of like -- kind of like i'm looking at you over there. and she was going -- and i blacked out afterwards. >> jimmy: you went unconscious? >> well, the last thing i remember was i was climbing on the roof of the limo. through the sunroof and hanging on to the luggage rack. >> jimmy: there was a luggage rack on the top of your limo? wow. it's a good thing tmz wasn't around in those days. >> thank god. hasn't it changed? >> jimmy: i guess it has. you have to be more careful. do you feel you have to be more careful like at the golden globes? >> i feel like nobody cares. >> jimmy: you'd be surprised. if you do something good, they'll care. okay. so, you're on this show, "revenge." and it's become a very big hit, obviously. did you expect it would be a big hit? or is this something that surprised you? >> it surprised me. not because -- it surprised me that, if anything, any kind of

success. >> jimmy: really? >> i disappeared for a really long time. >> jimmy: where did you go when you disappeared? >> well, that's sort of classified. i'm a little bit of a strange person. but -- [ laughter ] a little warped and a little tweaked. i don't know. don't you ever feel like disappearing? >> jimmy: yes. almost every, single day. but i wind up sticking around. i would like to disappear sometimes. >> where would you go? >> jimmy: prison. i think it would be fun. if it wasn't for all the other inmates, i think i would enjoy myself. i could read. and scratch things into my arm. [ laughter ] >> and what would happen to you there? >> jimmy: i don't know. i feel like i would come out very educated. >> i think you would be very popular. >> jimmy: well, yeah. probably. more than likely, i would come out a girlfriend to somebody. [ laughter ] unfortunately, that wasn't the case with me. when you say you disappeared, did you intentionally disappear? >> you know, i -- it's -- i'm

just strange. i'm a little odd. that's all. i mean, it doesn't -- >> jimmy: i think if you know you're strange, maybe you're not as strange as you think you are. the people that are very strange don't know that they're strange. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: you understand what i'm saying? >> i get it, man. >> jimmy: you worked with a lot of very -- not just big but iconic actors. john travolta, i know. mel gibson. jack nicholson you worked with. jack nicholson directed you. >> he directed me, yeah. >> jimmy: what does that like, being directed by jack nicholson. >> he's really sentimental. i remember in one production, going into a rehearsal. we had our individual time with him. and jack was another gentleman. but i had a moment with him once, where we were sitting down. and he was going over the script. he had his bifocals on. and there was nothing in the room besides me, him and a stone

bowl. >> jimmy: okay. >> it was sitting on the table. and he was going over the script. i noticed something very oddly familiar. like a piece of celluloid. that doesn't mean anything in this day and age. but back then, it did. i go, i know this from somewhere. i reach in and i pick it up. it's several frames of me coming out of a shower in "stakeout." my first film. i said, jack, what is this? right? and so, he looks up. and he kind of looked through his bifocals like this. and he looked down like nothing happened. what that meant is he went to somebody at disney and asked for those frames. >> jimmy: and cut it out. >> and cut it out. and saved it. and i don't know what it was he was trying to - -- what do you think he was trying to get at? >> jimmy: i have a pretty good idea of what he was trying to get at it. >> i will tell you, he was a real gentleman. >> jimmy: sure. yeah. gentleman.

oh, yeah. this is my bowl full of naked pictures of you. >> come on. it's very jack, right? >> jimmy: he's weird. he is strange. that's what i think we've learned. >> but he's very sentimental. >> jimmy: on a completely different topic, i know you've been doing charity work in haiti, correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: will you tell us a little bit about that. >> i've been going there, i guess about a year before the quake. it's a remarkable, remarkable place. and there's a man down there. he's a doctor. he's a catholic priest. and it's st. luke's team. and paul haggis, the filmmaker, and we built maybe the free secondary school in the nation. but father rick is this bad-ass, who happens to be a doctor. and i adore him. his st. luke's team serve

900,000 people a year. >> jimmy: wow. >> all in one place. incredible work. >> jimmy: father dr. rick. >> yeah. let me tell you something about father dr. rick. the women so dig him. >> jimmy: of course they do. >> completely dig him. >> jimmy: hopefully he doesn't dig them back. it's great -- congratulations on all the success. "revenge" airs wednesday nights at 10:00, here on abc. be right back with dana gould. [ cheers and applause ] how can you get back pain relief that lasts up to 16 hours?

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. our next guest is a very funny man whom you can see and maybe even touch live and in person, january 26th through the 28th at the cap city comedy club in austin, texas. please say hello to dana gould. [ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you. hello. i was out on the boulevard before the show. and, you know, it's one thing that women do that i think is kind of pretty. is they put a feather in their hair. it kind of gives them that loose, sexy, i just got hit by a bird -- [ laughter ] i'm ashley. [ laughter ] i found an egg. [ laughter ] looks are important. it's when it goes too far. when plastic surgery becomes a recreational activity. women do it all the time to look younger. and that would make perfect sense, if one of them ever came out, looking younger. [ laughter ] but they don't.

they just look the same. no matter who they look like going in, they all come out with the same face. they look like the girl from the band on "the muppet show." [ laughter ] janice, from dr. teeth and the electric mayhem. men do it, too. you know? some people get plastic surgery in their late 70s. getting plastic surgery in your late 70s is kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. [ laughter ] just die. [ laughter ] there's no shame in it. we're all on the same conveyer belt. i don't want to come across as pessimistic. i'm actually a very optimistic person.

and here's the source of my optimism, individual human achievement. and here's the example i always give. professor stephen hawking. now, here's a guy who cannot walk, who cannot talk, who cannot move independently. and yet, he still found a way -- to cheat on his wife. [ laughter ] or so i read. [ laughter ] it was reported, that he got caught. lest you think you might get away with it. i'm sure you think you're very clever. the guy who figured out how time started didn't delete his inbox quickly enough. [ laughter ] and he is widely considered the smartest man in the world. and yet, he's crazy about the ladies. his brain works way up and here

and way down here, full throttle all the time. it's amazing. he's having these in depth conversations. "in the vacuum of space, the implosion of a star creates a negative ion pulse field." guys. guys. 2:00. [ laughter ] either somebody's shoplifting cantaloupe or a genie just granted my wish. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i know what you're really clapping for there. i'll leave you with this. as you go through life, just try to keep this in mind. that the simple act of walking down the street, seeing someone you don't know, looking them in the eye and smiling, can make the world a better place. unless it's the day you've decided to walk around with your penis out. [ laughter ]

then, i would say, poker face. [ laughter ] thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, dana. dana gould, everybody. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] my name's reggie.

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