two teens to bomb their school and now authorities stopped it. we're always online at abcnews.com. jimmy kimmel is next. and we'll see you here tomorrow. see you then. up next, on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> our show is nine years old. if it lived in china, it would be making iphones already. >> andre agassi. >> andre, will give the children the test. and then, if they don't do well, he'll hit them with tennis balls. >> j.b. smoove. >> watch everybody. the mailman. beehives. everything. >> and music from seal.

>> jimmy: hi. i'm jimmy kimmel. and we now return you to "who wants to date a person?" brought to you by axe anarchy for him and her. two fragrances so irresistible, they will unleash an attraction chaos. now, here's your host, guillermo. [ applause ] >> hola. welcome back to "who wants to date a person?" [ applause ] anna, you smell very good. are you wearing axe anarchy or her? >> yes. >> i knew it. yeah. michael, how are you doing?

>> good. >> michael, you smell good, too. are you wearing axe anarchy for him? >> yes. >> i knew it. woo. [ applause ] okay. enough chitchat. you have to make a decision. >> i pick -- michael. >> great decision. yes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: hold on a second. can we stop the music? i don't mean to be cynical. but she didn't have a choice. there was one guy for her to pick from. what kind of a game show is that? >> she could have chosen you, jimmy. but she didn't, did she? >> jimmy: i guess not. no. >> so, go back to your desk, dumb-ass. jimmy, take this. >> jimmy: thanks. >> thanks, everybody. we'll see you next time on "who wants to date a person?" >> dicky: new axe anarchy for him and her. go to youtube.com/axe to see the

chaos unleashed. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes, with j.b. smoove, music from seal and andre agassi. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] next time, try a subway turkey blt or a fresh fit turkey melt, merely 7 grams of fat each. subway. eat fresh. how does one make such delightful cucumber sandwiches? frank's redhot sauce, your majesty.

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with up to two times the odor elimination so you can breathe happy, guaranteed. from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- andre agassi. j.b. smoove. and music from seal. with cleto and the cletones. and now, let's do this. here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, cleto. and the cletones. hi. i'm jimmy. thank you for coming. thank you for joining me on this special night.

for us here at the show. tonight is our ninth anniversary. we started this show nine years ago tonight. [ cheers and applause ] after the super bowl. i've been doing a lot of reflecting today. thinking about the first night and all the leadup and how nervous i was and how much we've done since then. and i decided that, nine years is enough. i'm done. all right. [ laughter ] i'm tired. i'm moving to mexico to live out my days. yes? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes, yes. our show is nine years old. if it lived in china, it would be making iphones already. it's remarkable. nine years is like 40 kim kardashian marriages. we started the show on january 26th, 2003. it was a simpler time. paris hilton had yet to release a sex type. jon and kate were plus two. [ laughter ] snooki was a high school freshman, barely the size of a cantaloupe. and justin bieber was a second

grader with a beautiful head of hair at the time. now, here we are. the traditional ninth anniversary giftft. it's leather. everyone on our staff chipped in and bought me a rick perry. how nice. i -- [ cheers and applause ] i got a lot of nice e-mails and calls and cookies and meatballs today. some of which wound up on my suit, from my cousin sal, for our anniversary. but maybe the best thing i got was a video message, from someone who has brought me many a laugh over the past six months. a man i'm not ashamed to call my best friend. >> happy 9-9-9th anniversary. and i hope you have 9-9-9th many more. but by that time, you're going to look like -- have a great anniversary, jimmy. this is herman cain. >> jimmy: thank you. the herminator, everyone. we're not giving up.

mithusala lived for 999 years, right? when i was preparing for tonight's show, i remembered something. let me get -- i found -- under my phone. this is a note that i wrote to myself on the night of our premiere back in 2003. i put important on the envelope. but i don't remember what is in it. i was going to wait for ten years. but i kind of want to open it now. should i open it now? [ cheers and applause ] crap. remember to invent the ipad. same thing happened to me with the betamax in the '80s. we've had so many great moments over the years. so many people, so many highlights. we thought it would be fun to put them together for you. we did. so, i'm proud to present, the best of the best moments from the nine years history of this

show. >> here's jimmy kimmel. host of his own show on abc. down 2-1. look at mayne. >> jimmy: that's it. all i really remember of the last nine years. that one titanic home run. thanks for sticking with us. here's another abc employee i hope stays on the air for a long time. his name is joe snedeker. some viewers complained to the station because joe said he prefers warmer weather to the cold. as a result of that, this happened. >> we got a couple e-mails yesterday. i'm sick of you guys saying you like it warm. listen. you ever see talking heads on tv, people who just talk and you never know what they're like. the whole point of attaching to a person is finding out what their interests are, likes/dislikes. i like it warm. i don't like snow. that's just my stupid opinion.

doesn't mean i wish it for everybody. you can like winter. it's okay. i'm a person. i like mindy. maybeoff screen i don't. maybe i have other colleagues here i don't. it's okay. maybe they're live this morning. it's okay. it's all okay. do you like everyone at your workplace? no. see? it's okay. [ laughter ] these are the temperatures across the nation. they're actually above average, too. >> jimmy: i don't think it is okay. i think it's the opposite of okay. to me, it sounds like some workplace counseling might be in order. the five-day forecast just got all-too real. [ laughter ] there's a new episode of "american idol" on fox tonight. ryan seacrest, randy jackson, jennifer lopez, and america's horniest grandma traveled to galveston, texas. once again, steven tyler fell in love with every attractive woman who walked through the door. and they seem to be interested in him, too, even though he

looks like a piece of beef jerky that went through a rock tumbler. last night, even one of the contestants interrupted her audition to kiss him. >> just go to voting or kissing. >> voting and kissing, okay. i'll say yes. >> i'm going to say yes, too. i like the energy. >> i'm going to say yes, too. and you may kiss the judge. you may kiss the judge. whoa. oh, my god. what? take that kiss to hollywood. you made it. hollywood's that way. >> jimmy: and they lived happily ever after. isn't that sweet? [ applause ] tonight on "american idol," it seems like the attention that steven tyler is starting to get from the female contestants is only making him more excited because -- well, with that said, it's time for steven tyler's creepy leer of the night.

♪ i want to lay you down in a bed of roses ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: check what's going on under that table. there's a great moment on "idol" tonight. one of these sad medical stories. they give you the montage sob story. this man's name rimero, who was born without something important. >> growing up, i wasn't born normal. i was a bit different. i came out with no ears. >> jimmy: no ears? born without ears. he must have shot out like a torpedo. [ laughter ] sometimes when i watch "american idol," i wish i was born without ears. [ laughter ] luckily, he has ears now. and also, a mouth. so, he made it to hollywood. he must save a fortune on

q-tips, right? also, on television, a new episode of "jersey shore" on mtv. all you need to know for "jersey shore," you can learn from watching commercials. i didn't get a chance to watch tonight's show. i heard it was very debaucherous. but i asked my aunt chippy to watch it for me. for us, really. so, here, tonight, is my aunt chippy, with her thoughts on tonight's "jersey shore." >> [ bleep ], are you ready. are you ready? i've had enough. this is aunt chippy. season number five, this is the last [ bleep ] i'm saying about "jersey shore." i've had enough of it. i'm filled up to my ass with it. let's see this last [ bleep ] thing and put them to rest. i'm sick of looking at them. hurry up. >> what is this, bro? >> what's this? oh, great. a bunch of [ bleep ]. oh. well, there's a [ bleep ] for

you. okay. you're disgusting, you pig basta bastards. take it home. who the hell wants you? you know what? i've had enough of this crap. it's no good. ah! [ laughter ] oh, you pig. get the hell out of here. get out of here. oh, my god. he's greasy. you're a grease ball. get out. i'm done. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there was another republican debate in florida tonight. can't we cancel this show already? it was the 47th of 265 debates that are scheduled to happen between now and when jesus returns. [ laughter ] why are they doing -- what is left to know about these candidates? is someone going to confess to a murder? fortunately, tonight's was the last one we're going to see. the candidates are going to take a break, spending more time

attacking the morals of their families. it's hard to tell if you're watching the debate or "jersey shore," especially tonight, when they were both on at the same time. it seemed especially difficult. >> part of the deal at the house. you stay here, you work at the store. leave the house full. >> i'm looking for more people right now. make room. >> [ bleep ] you serious? >> make room. >> this is our [ bleep ] house. and there's nothing you can say or do that's going to make you feel comfortable in this house. >> some of you are working tomorrow. i expect a big effort from you tomorrow. >> i found this real hot brunette chick on my birthday. i told this chick, i want to get many my birthday suit with you. and she's down. everybody should get laid on their birthday. [ laughter ] >> do you want to go out to a club? >> i'm trying to get laid tonight. >> that's awesome. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yesterday, newt gingrich, yesterday, made an interesting promise during a

campaign stotop in the city of cocoa, florida. i think it's funny, a guy looks like a marshmallow would stop in cocoa. while in cocoa, floating around deliciously, he -- gingrich said, by the end of my second term as president, we will have the first permanent base on the moon. this guy really wants to get away from those wives of his, doesn't he? newt gingrich is getting a lot of criticism now because he led impeachment proceedings against bill clinton while he was having an affair of his own. some people are calling him a hypocrite, including his second wife. and tonight, at long last, the gingrich wives squared off. >> tonight, the debate everyone has been waiting for. jackie, marianne, callista. newt's wives faceoff. followed by the new old adventures of ron paul. >> jimmy: it was something. i'll tell you that. [ applause ] this is crazy. this is really crazy. earlier this week, jennifer and

jack russell, a couple in texas, gave birth to a baby named willow. what made this birth different, was they had willow on the way to the hospital in the car. and they got it all on videotape. >> oh. i'm pulling over. okay. oh, my gosh. oh, my gosh. >> hi. can i get a large meat lovers pizza. a side of bread sticks. and do you know what babies eat? >> jimmy: we may have added the pizza part at the end. the rest was real. how about that? driving and videotaping while having a child. he's either the greatest or worst father in the world. i think we're going to talk to the dad, zach, on monday night. i have a lot of questions for him. like what did the guys at the car wash have to say? it's thursday night.

it's time for our tribute to the fcc, where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> from belgium [ bleep ]. >> all baltimore needed was a field goal to tie it up and force an overtime. instead, their kicker, billy [ bleep ], hooked the ball wide. >> it's time to apply the same rules from top-to-bottom. in handouts. no [ bleep ]. and no [ bleep ]. >> this president has [ bleep ] the people of florida. >> you know, steven, me and my boyfriend have lists of people who we can [ bleep ]. and it's not cheating. and you're on mine. >> what? holy [ bleep ]. >> i actually heard students yell out, [ bleep ] you, mr. cain. >> i will take on obama and i will [ bleep ]. >> so big, that if exposed, it could destroy the rest of your

life. >> welcome to the first meeting of [ bleep ] friends. >> the very handsome, the very lovable, the very, very funny, mr. jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it was her birthday. we've got a good show for you tonight. j.b. smoove is here. we have music from seal. and we'll be right back with andre agassi. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ] [ sipping ] huh. [ birds chirping ] are you a fan of demoisier? uh, um... [ thinking ] demois-a-who? okay, you can't get by on just your looks forever. okay. [ thinking ] you just ordered a premium roast coffee and a savory sausage mcmuffin for only a dollar each off mcdonald's dollar menu at breakfast. so you know you're smart. he has a certain... je ne sais quoi, you know?

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hello there. welcome back. and happy anniversary to us. tonight, on the program, an exceptionally funny guy who's hosting a new standup show on comedy central called "russell

simmons presents the ruckus." from "curb your enthusiasm," j.b. smoove is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, with music from this, his brand-new album, it came out this week. it's called "soul 2," seal, from the bud light stage. we've got a great lineup for you next week, too. john krasinski, kate walsh, kenneth branagh, marc maron, tim & eric, martin scorsese. and we'll have music from angels and airwaves, gotye, fishbone and korn. by the way, fishbone and korn sounds delicious. [ laughter ] our first guest tonight is one of the greatest sports champions of all-time. last summer, he was inducted into the international tennis hall of fame. and his former hairpiece will be inducted separately this spring. very exciting. please welcome olympic gold medalist, best-selling author, and the pride of las vegas, andre agassi. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]

how's it going? >> it is -- it's going great. >> jimmy: i'm glad to see you. the last time i saw you was in las vegas. and you were nice enough to ask me to be a part of a great educational organization you started there. and you raised -- tell everyone how much money you raised. >> my annual fund-raiser this year, it was the biggest year of all-time. that saturday night, october 29th, we raised $26.1 million. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. yeah. because of you. >> jimmy: thank you very much. thank you. and after -- this is the greatest part. after we raised the $26 million, we went into the casino. and we turned it into $52 million. [ cheers and applause ] >> big evening because now, my school is guaranteed its life in perpetuity, which means those

children's futures are no longer under my watch. they're under the educators -- >> jimmy: they can run the whole school off the interest of that money, right? >> the interest on the portfolio can subsidize the difference, between what the state gives, what i give, to educate the children, that society says we should write off. because we have 100% going to college. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. and the great thing is the methods, the methods that you use, with people who are not familiar with this. andre will give the children the test. and then, if they don't do well, he hits them with tennis balls. very motivating. >> my father's the principal of the school. >> jimmy: yeah. you talk about your dad. anybody that knows anything about you, knows that your dad was very determined to make you into a tennis player, whether you wanted to be one or not. and it worked. i mean, now that you're in the hall of fame, is he satisfied? is he -- does he still tell you what to do?

>> satisfied? what are you talking -- he told me the other day. just the other day. we go to see him every weekend. my kids. and he sticks my son out there, with the ball machine, hitting baseballs. he wants my son to hit home runs. he tells me every day, he's pissed that my coaches screwed me up. still worked on my serve. should have done that like pete. should have done that like -- >> jimmy: how could you be better? >> he does. when i start to make a logical argument, he shifts to my parenting skills and tells me i'm screwing up my children. >> jimmy: he's putting baseballs in the tennis ball canon? >> they're actually tennis balls. he doesn't want to be scared of the ball. he says, nobody remembers who wins the baseball game. they only remember who hits home runs. >> jimmy: that's right. that's what it's about. >> my son hit his first home run, literally, the other week. he's 10 years old. first home run.

he's so excited. to tell my dad. comes to the house. dad says, come here. i think he's going to give him a hug. pulls out 100 bucks. gives him $100. and he says he needs to associate home run with cash now. he hits a home run -- >> jimmy: and does he? >> yeah. he thought that was a cool thing. >> jimmy: wow. that's something. your son likes baseball. for those who don't know, your wife, another great tennis player, steffi graf. [ cheers and applause ] probably -- i think technically -- >> that's just one of her legs. >> jimmy: they could be inducted into the hall of fame for not playing tennis, just by virtue of being your children. >> i don't know. it's a big gene pool out there. and you haven't met the rest of my family. >> jimmy: i got you. >> this shows -- >> jimmy: do you want them to get into sports? >> i mean, i want to use sports as a vehicle so they can learn a

lot about themselves. but i want them to do it on their own terms. baseball and tennis. i love baseball because it's a team sport, disguised -- >> jimmy: not according to your father. >> it's an individual sport, disguised as a team sport. my son watches me play tennis. and he looks at baseball. >> jimmy: do your kids have any idea how great you both were? >> here's what they're clear about. absolutely, on no uncertain terms, mommy was greater than daddy, for sure. you know, we're watching -- i keep the tennis channel on all the time now because i don't have to solve for the people and their playing abilities and their skills. i enjoy it. i enjoy watching now more than ever. they're showing highlights of djokovic's last year, which he won everything. and when he would hold the trophy, my son would say to me, did you win that? yeah. how many times? once. i think once. and he goes, how many times did mom win it? i go, four.

and we went down -- that's how you keep your feet grounded in life. best at the world at something. marry somebody. be the second-best player in your house. and everything is in perspective. >> jimmy: last year, you started playing again, against some of your old rivals. what was the name of the tour you guys were on? >> the champions. it was great. six weeks of spending time you used to compete against. and now, you get to talk about raising kids. >> jimmy: did you find you have a friendlier relationship? who you were playing? >> pete sampras. currier, chang. and connors joined us. i talked more to him for a few minutes. >> jimmy: apparently, he didn't read your book if you guys had a chat. >> well -- now that i'm thinking about it, it was a pretty one-sided conversation. >> jimmy: did john mcenroe play in that? >> he did. he did play in that. >> jimmy: is he -- does he still complain a lot? or does he take it a lot more lightly now? >> no, no. the dude's still pretty intense.

>> jimmy: he is? >> yeah. we were raising money for kids, and he got all mad -- broke all these rackets. i thought he was kidding. going into the locker room afterwards, right when i walk in, he starts screaming at me. he's going, you can't even throw me a freaking bone out there. i'm out there busting my butt. and i go, wait a second. we just raised $250,000 for kids. the crowd had a great time. they didn't want to see two old guys playing out there any longer. an hour was enough. what's the problem? and he, to this day, he is very, very competitive. [ laughter ] i was, like, john, you're 50 years old, man. get over it. >> jimmy: it's time -- yeah. it's time to relax. >> just move on. >> jimmy: i have a feeling it's only going to get worse. we're going to take a quick break here. you can find out more about the andre agassi foundation, at agassifoundation.org. more with andre agassi when we come back. [ cheers and applause ] portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by bud light. [ orange ] i'm not going over there.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with andre agassi. agassifoundation.org is his website. he's building schools. you're building schools now in philadelphia? >> i figured out a really interesting perspective in solving part of our educational issues. i figured out how to put together a business model, that puts out investment capital. give them a mild return.

but have huge social impact, as a results of selling this model, we have over 500 million internationally. we built a school in philadelphia, about a mile from temple. we have 12 to 15 open this august, for those who know how to educate our children. and we'll have 75 in the next 2 to 3 years. >> jimmy: and the kids pay nothing to go to these schools? >> no. it's not for profit, for those operators. we're going to have billions, with a "b," as in boy, invested in the infrastructure, for those who know how to educate our future, which is kind of my dreams coming true. >> jimmy: yeah. well, that's a good dream to have. my dream, i'm in my underpants. it's embarrassing. you were talking about john mcenroe a minute ago. and in your book, john mcenroe, was he your davis cup captain at the time, the night -- do you remember? i think you were in hawaii. >> we played together on davis cup. and he also was my captain

because i played for 21 years. we competed against argentina in hawaii. and john's actually the reason -- i don't know if he knows it or not. he's the reason for probably the nicest car i've ever owned. >> jimmy: why is that? >> we competed in hawaii. we won, 3-0, against this team. so, he won singles. i won singles. we won at doubles. it was a useless match. and saturday night, we went out and tied one on like you wouldn't believe. we got so drunk, i was so gone. i thought somebody would sub for me. the coach didn't let that happen. i had to go and play. i wore a pair of oakley sunglasses during the match. it's hawaii, sunshine. everyone thought i was doing it for strategic reasons. i'm trying to hide the bags under my eyes. i end up getting through the match. i end up keeping everyone from knowing i was just drunk the night before, with john, celebrating our victory. i get home. a big truck thing shows up. out of the back comes a dodge

viper. there's a note from the guy that owns oakley sunglasses. he said, i couldn't buy that advertisement. here. you can have a nice car. >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] see? sometimes drinking does pay off. [ laughter ] it's great to see you. you're doing great stuff. thanks so much for including me. that website, agassifoundati agassifoundation.org. andre agassi, everybody. we'll be right back with j.b. smoove. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ man ] wait. this doesn't look like a new year's resolution. this looks like steak. thick, juicy, satisfying steak. this looks like anything but a resolution. [ male announcer ] applebee's introduces fresh new choices, all great-tasting and under 550 calories. like our sizzling asian shrimp & broccoli, roasted garlic sirloin, and sizzling chili lime chicken. starting at just $9.99 at applebee's.

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next week on "jimmy kimmel live" -- kate walsh. john krasinski. kenneth branagh. and martin scorsese. plus, music from fishbone. angels and airwaves. korn. and gotye. can't get enough kimmel? find highlights and more at abc.com. to save money, i did my taxes online.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, hi there. welcome back. seal will be with us. our next guest is a very funny man. you know him from "curb your

enthusiasm" on hbo. and now, on comedy central every thursday night at 10:00, as host of "russell simmons presents the ruckus." please say hello to j.b. smoove. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] well, that's very kind. you stopped at the balloon store on the way over here, for our 99th anniversary show. >> i have to take care of you, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's right. how are you? >> that's a long run you're on, man. >> jimmy: we've been here for quite a while. are you a tennis player, by the way? >> i'm not a tennis player. but i love watching tennis. >> jimmy: you do? who is your favorite player of all-time? >> the williams sisters. >> jimmy: williams sisters. they are great players.

that's a good choice. >> i liked pete sampras. that dude was good. >> jimmy: don't tell andre. >> andre is off the hook with it. i liked andre with the hair, though. >> jimmy: you did? >> he was killing when he had hair. >> jimmy: did you ever have hair like that? >> i had high-top fades. i had six different high-tops. >> jimmy: you did? >> i used to have the neo top like this. the staircase, like this. had the gumby. i had the ramp-top. i had the gumby. one time, i walked up my own stairs. you know what i'm talking about? [ laughter ] i had every high-top known to man kind. i was known as the high-top kid. i'm 6'2". >> jimmy: who would do your hair cuts? >> he would cut my hair. but he would lean his crotch against me. i don't know why. but he did a great job. i stopped going. once a barber stops doing your hair, you can't stop going to him. you don't get the crotch. but you get a jacked up -- you

know? >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> you want a good fade, and a nice, even -- you know what i mean? you guys can't do that. >> jimmy: we can't do that. and we're not good at wearing hats, either. hats don't look as good on us. >> hats don't look good on you. and dark skin does not look good on you. it just won't work. with your hair and dark skin, it won't work like that. >> jimmy: if you had my hair, it would be bad? >> bad. it's more of a processed look. you know what i mean? old-school pimp. don't let me have that hair on your face. they always do that. they always do that right there. right there. >> jimmy: where are you living now? >> i'm out here now. >> jimmy: you're out here? >> i'm a king. out here, i'm in a little -- a quiet cul-de-sac. hanging out with my old neighbors. >> jimmy: they are? >> old as hell. all the houses in my area, are like 1960. all these people bought their

houses brand-new. $175. >> jimmy: that's a good neighborhood to be in, though. >> that's right, man. yeah. i spend a lot of time gardening. a lot of people don't know. >> jimmy: wait a minute. you garden? >> i garden. i fix stuff around the house, man. you know what i love doing? power-washing is my thing. >> jimmy: me, too. >> you, too? >> jimmy: the best thing ever. >> you're not a better power-washer than me. >> jimmy: i'm not the best power-washer. but when i'm power-washing, when i'm done with my house, i go around to the neighbors to see if they need anything done. >> power-washing. you feel strong. sometimes i double power-wash, with two of them. >> jimmy: that's serious. >> we ought to go in the back. we ought to have a duel one day. >> jimmy: i would love to do that. >> create a beef. go in my backyard. go ten paces. turn around and blast each other. >> jimmy: those things are dangerous. you can cut off a toe with those power-washers. >> they hurt. all kinds of settings. back in the days, in the civil

rights days, they would spray my people with fire hoses, right. i'm being honest here. they would need five to hold that hose because it was powerful. imagine all that concentrated into a stream. you know what i'm saying? >> jimmy: i don't have to imagine. i, too, experienced it. it's a greatest. you get a brick. it's kind of dirty. but then, it's brand-new. >> brand-new. >> jimmy: once you get started, you can't stop. it looks terrible otherwise. it looks like a big clean spot. >> i power-wash everybody. mailmen. beehives. everything. >> jimmy: beehives? >> yes. they can't get to you because there's so much water. i want to get him. >> jimmy: i don't think that's a good idea. >> knock the house down. >> jimmy: have you tried vacuum sealing. do you vacuum seal? >> i haven't tried about it. i've heard about it, though. >> jimmy: if you like power-washing, vacuum sealing is fun, too.

>> all that house stuff, i should be on hgtv. that's how cold i am. >> jimmy: really? >> i know how to fix things. unclog toilets. i'm nice. you understand that? i tell you how to unclog a toilet. >> jimmy: how do you do it? >> watch right here. put the power-washer down that. whoa. come on, man. you have to think, jimmy. you have to think. you aren't thinking, jimmy. >> jimmy: now, i think people know you now from your standup comedy. you have a standup comedy show you're going to be hosting with russell simmons. >> it's called "the ruckus." i'm hosting the show. it's kind of like -- this is what it's like. you're the host of the show. you know what i'm talking about. you're the host here. people come to your house. this is your house. >> jimmy: yes. >> i'm on stage. i'm hosting the show. you have to bring something to someone's house. all you people are inconsiderate people. you go to someone's house, you bring some wine. you bring something to their house.

that's what we do with "the ruckus." i bring the ruckus. these are friends of mine. they bring a unique style, a unique perspective on something in their comedy style. >> jimmy: right. >> people get a variety of things. people are getting a gift. you understand? these come and bring something to my house. and you're being entertained because you're in my house already. >> jimmy: right. and people can play with your power-washer if they want to. >> that's right, man. see how things connect to that. >> jimmy: you used to be a writer on "saturday night live." how listening were you at "saturday night live"? >> three seasons. '04, '05, '06. >> jimmy: tina fey said you were hilarious. had hilarious ideas. and none of them got on the show. you brought some of these -- these are real ideas. >> real ideas. >> jimmy: you actually pitched at "saturday night live." >> watch this, jimmy. >> jimmy: okay. ooh. it's in a notebook. >> see that? and it has "snl" written on it.

this is my original book from 2004. >> jimmy: okay. >> a bunch of cool things in here. >> jimmy: see what you got there. all right. >> i'm also going to throw out who i wrote it for, right? >> jimmy: okay. >> johnny knoxville. >> jimmy: okay. >> a forensics expert, who solved crimes by tasting the urine of the suspect. [ laughter ] good stuff, right? >> jimmy: they didn't go with that? >> they didn't like that one, man. >> jimmy: what's wrong with them? >> jack black. he played a villain with two eye patches. one on each eye. [ laughter ] all right? okay. quarterback who's playing this sunday, tom brady. he came to the show, right? >> jimmy: next sunday. >> i wrote a throwback sketch. 1960s era. he was the first football player to smack somebody on the ass. nobody understood that. >> jimmy: they rejected that. >> things went crazy, when he

started doing it in the shower. that's when it got out of control. pow. steve carell. i wrote one for him called the helicopter family. it was a couple that met in the military. helicopter pilots, right. they got out of the military. they live at home in a nice neighborhood. but they still act like they live in a helicopter. they always talking loud. what's for dinner tonight? [ laughter ] i'll go get the turkey. like -- >> jimmy: i don't know. these are terrific ideas. >> great ideas. >> jimmy: great ideas. you save them for yourself. give us one more. >> okay. one more. one more good one. let me see. let me see. >> jimmy: one more. >> antonio banderas came to the show, right? >> jimmy: okay. >> this is a good one. i had him playing tarzan. but tarzan wore turtlenecks, right? [ laughter ] same tarzan, with a turtleneck.

loin cloth and everything. >> jimmy: that could be a whole show. >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: we need to get together. we can come up with our own show. we could bring them to their knees. >> a whole book. >> jimmy: you should publish that thing. >> i'm going to use them on my new website called theruckus.com. hit it up. it's up and coming. going to be amazing. >> jimmy: and watch your television show. "russell simmons presents the ruckus" airs thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on comedy central. j.b. smoove, everybody. when we come back, music from seal. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel

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the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: this is his new cd. it's called "soul 2." here with the song "i'll be around," seal. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is our fork in the road love's last episode ♪ ♪ there's nowhere to go

oh, no ♪ ♪ you made your choice now, it's up to me ♪ ♪ to bow out gracefully though you hold the key ♪ ♪ baby ♪ whenever you call me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you want me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you need me i'll be there ♪ ♪ i'll be around ♪ i knew just what to say 'cause, i found out today ♪ ♪ that all the words had slipped away ♪ ♪ yes, i know there's always a chance ♪ ♪ a tiny spark remains

and sparks turn into flames ♪ ♪ and love can burn once again but i know ♪ ♪ whenever you call me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you want me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you need me i'll be there ♪ ♪ i'll be around ♪ yeah, baby ♪ ♪ whenever you call me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you want me i'll be there ♪ ♪ whenever you need me i'll be there ♪