>> adorable. let's hear it for rin tin-tin and you, too, uggie. we're always online at abcnews.com. jimmy kimmel's next. good night, america. up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> 15% of american women gave themselves flowers today. and 85% of american men gave themselves sex today. >> john goodman. >> kevin nealon. >> happy vol valentine's day, sexy. i love you, grandma. >> and music from robin thicke.

>> jimmy: hi. i'm jimmy kimmel, with wipeout 2, the sequel to the video game that lets you and your family play america's craziest gameshow inside your house. a couple days ago, our pal, guillermo, joined 16 fans in downtown l.a. to compete in the $50,000 wipeout 2 challenge tournament sponsored by act act vision, against joel, a former contestant on "wipeout." and this time, joel was up to the task. >> dicky: wipeout 2 is in stores >> hi. it's me, guillermo. we're going to play some video

games. ♪ >> come on, guillermo. come on. >> wipeout's never been so much fun. i feel like i'm really running the course. >> i'm killing you, guillermo. >> you're going down. you're going down. did i win? >> dicky: wipeout 2 is in stores now. get it today. and be sure to check out an all-new "winter wipeout" airing thursday at 8:00, 7:00 central on abc. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with john goodman, kevin nealon and music from robin thicke. ♪ they hatin ♪ patrolling and tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪ ♪ tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪ ♪ tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪ ♪ tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪

[ mom ] hi, there. why do we always have to take your mom's car? [ male announcer ] the security of a tiguan, one of nine volkswagen models named a 2012 iihs top safety pick. ♪ tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪ [ male announcer ] mio. a revolutionary water enhancer. add a little or a lot. for a drink that's just the way you like it. and now, try new mio energy.

a lot of people don't get the chance to hang around me and see who i really am. i think people are getting the hang of me. most important to me is staying normal, and letting all this happen around me.... we do it... we do it big man.... >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight --

john goodman. kevin nealon. and music from robin thicke. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you know him, you love him, here is jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. thanks. i appreciate it. thank you. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. there's a lot of people here on dates tonight. we have a lot of very cute couples who came for our show for a cheap date tonight. let's be honest. love is in the air tonight. hey, guillermo. you look very snazzy tonight. >> thank you, jimmy.

>> jimmy: and why are you -- why are you dressed like that? >> for valentine, jimmy. >> jimmy: for -- that's right. it's valentine's day. you have a lot of love to give, don't you, guillermo? >> i'm going to explode love. >> jimmy: you're ready to explode? you have so much love to give, you're ready to explode? >> yeah. any time. >> jimmy: you look like you're ready to explode. the weird thing about doing a late-night television show on valentine's day, is a lot of people have the tv on while they're having sex. [ laughter ] if you're at home doing it right now, raise your hand. if you're doing it here in the studio, raise your hand, too. you know, it's an uncomfortable spot for me to be in. i feel like i should leave you a lone for a minute, right? can we dim the lights here? can we maybe get some romantic music? yes. i'm going to step out. and just get back to whatever you were doing, okay? i'm not even here. all right. [ laughter ]

♪ ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's interesting. you know, you do it like the kardashians. okay. finished. all right, good. very, very good. [ cheers and applause ] that was a little creepy, right? the creepiest thing for me is i was born on november 13th. and my sister was born on november 14th, which means my parents were probably doing that to johnny carson. i'm a valentine's sex baby, nine months after valentine's baby.

you remember in elementary school when you had to give valentine's to every kid in the class? that was kind of weird. and then, you grow up to be a slut and people wonder why. the funniest place to be on valentine's day is the drugstore checkout lane around 7:00 at night. where the husbands and boyfriends go to avoid death. cvs brand body butter and a balloon don't count as a valentine's gift. you'd be better off leaving the country. i plan ahead. i save money that way. this year, i gave my girlfriend her gift for next valentine's day. i gave her a pack of seeds. that way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. bad? 69 cents. [ cheers and applause ] hey, in the valentine's day spirit, we're going to play a game with some pedestrians tonight. this is the night for love. and it's important to express

that love to your loved ones. tonight, we give real-life couples a chance to do that on television. it's called nine things we love. cousin sal is on hollywood boulevard right now. >> what's happening? >> jimmy: how are you and your wife, melissa, celebrating valentine's day tonight? >> we'll probably go home and watch the show. make out a little. why? are you going to watch us, too? >> jimmy: you're probably right. let's meet our first couple here. these are folks just walking by. hi, there. what are your names? >> erin. >> joel. >> jimmy: erin and joel. where are you from? >> peoria, arizona. >> jimmy: looks like cabela's had a sale, huh? >> that's my happy place. >> jimmy: on hollywood boulevard, you could get shot wearing something like that. [ laughter ] it's even more dangerous than the woods. are you married? >> we are. >> jimmy: how listening have you been married? >> ten days. >> jimmy: ten days. okay. wow. that's -- you're honeymooners.

>> we're honeymooners. >> jimmy: that's great. you have no idea why we stopped you, correct? >> right. >> jimmy: erin, you love joel, i would imagine, or else you wouldn't have married him. >> that's true. >> jimmy: i would love iffer you to share nine things you love about him. okay? >> got his grips on her pretty good right now. >> jimmy: nine things. all right? go ahead, erin. >> i love his eyes. his heart. his soul. his cammo shirt. >> jimmy: four. >> i love his booty. i love his eyes. >> jimmy: eyes you already said. >> i love his manliness. >> jimmy: okay. >> and his sensitivity. >> jimmy: good. seven. >> and his mustache. >> jimmy: eight. >> and his -- [ laughter ] and i love his love for me. >> jimmy: oh. that's nine. that's very nice. very well done. [ cheers and applause ] very beautiful. how do you feel about that, joel? >> i thought that was pretty nice. >> jimmy: and now, joel, it's

your turn to share nine things you love about erin. >> i love her pretty eyes. >> jimmy: that's one. >> and i love her smile. >> jimmy: that's two. that's nice. >> and she has a warm heart. >> jimmy: nice, three. >> and she has a nice booty. >> jimmy: you stole that from her. >> yeah. sorry. and i like her feet. >> jimmy: feet. that could be technically two, i guess, couldn't it? >> i like her hair. >> jimmy: you like her hair. okay. >> and her legs. she has very nice legs. >> jimmy: now, we're shopping for chicken parts. we're not -- [ laughter ] all right. what else? >> i like her sense of humor. >> jimmy: her sense of humor. that's eight. >> one more. >> jimmy: one more. >> and i like her family. >> jimmy: oh. well, that's very nice. that's nine. very well done. thank you. sal, tell them -- we have a gift for you. >> we have something for you. >> jimmy: what they've won. >> come here. >> you have won a romantic

dinner for two. >> jimmy: we can't hear you, sal. >> it's dinner, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, joel and erin. honeymooning, happy valentine's day. [ applause ] we almost got to the dirty parts that they love. yeah. here's some fun valentine's day facts for you. did you know that the average american consumes just a little over 12 pounds of chocolate on valentine's day? i made that up. but isn't it crazy? the rest of these are true, though. americans purchase an estimated 60 million pounds of chocolate this week. i love that we give 60 million pounds of chocolate on the day we give tiny undergarments as gifts. you know the candy hearts with the messages on them? the new england confectioner company, the company that makes them, produces 8 billion of those every year. and of those 8 billion, exactly 12 of them get eaten. the rest, right in the garbage. this, i thought was the

strangest valentine's day statistic. i don't know who uncovered this information. but they say that women who get flowers, 15% of american women gave themselves flowers today. and 85% of american men gave themselves sex today. [ laughter ] isn't that sad? 15% of these women are giving themselves -- and the worst part has to be calling the florist and telling the guy on the phone what you want the note to say. write dear, jennifer. happy valentine's day, you are my everything. got it. and who are they from? from jennifer. steven. there's a whole thing when women get flowers delivered to work. it can be hard on women who don't have flowers delivered to work. you have to pretend to be happy for everyone else. if you fell into that category today, we put together a video to help you to get through it

next year. here's how to prevent to be happy for a co-worker who got flowers. >> it's time for how to pretend to be happy for your co-worker who got flowers on valentine's day. first, gasp. second, compliment. >> wow. these are so beautiful. >> that's nice. next, sniff. >> wow. wow. wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. >> careful. don't overuse wow. >> your boyfriend is really nice. he's beautiful. and you're beautiful. >> don't overcompliment. >> if i go out to a nice dinner tonight, going to make love later. i don't know what that's like. i pretend my cat is my boyfriend. just going to share a can of soup with him. >> try not to dabble. >> i'm going to die alone. not you, though. you might have babies someday.

>> remember when i said not to babble? >> these are soft. >> what are you still doing there? don't linger. >> oh. >> don't sniff your co-worker. will lindsay? >> yeah. >> these are for you. >> oh, my gosh. >> [ bleep ] you, lindsay. >> and that was how to pretend to be happy for your co-worker who got flowers on valentine's day. >> jimmy: or you can just call in sick. [ laughter and applause ] looking good over there, guillermo. >> all right. >> jimmy: looking real good over there. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can you fire that thing? you can? >> i don't think so. let me try it. >> jimmy: try it. [ laughter ] this is kind of surprising. on valentine's day, americans

spend $367 million on their pets. that, to me, seems like a waste. i mean -- you don't need to wine and dine your dog. either way, he's going to hump your leg. as you're aware, the academy awards are 12 days away. but the awards show hollywood is buzzing about took place last night. the golden collar award. it awards canine actors. it was a magical night. i haven't seen nominees drag their butts on the red carpet. best dog in theatrical film. best dog in a to dvd film. best dog in a television series. and best dog in a reality television series. how does the dog know it's in a reality television series? i'm pretty sure that's just a dog walking around in its house. the big winner was uggie, the dog from the silent film "the

artist." that was a talented dog. the dog from "frasier" is probably calling screaming at his agent today. i used to run this town. the westminster dog show wrapped up in new york today. it combines the excitement of people walking dogs to the thrill of dogs sitting perfectly still. martha stewart's dog, genghis khan won last night. it's very presentational. and this part would be awesome. can you imagine how much fun it would be to see billy crystal doing this to george clooney? oh, look. let's go over to gary oldman and brad pitt. some wear gloves. some don't. dogs have fun. let's go back to my cousin sal,

who is out on hollywood boulevard for another couple, another round of nine things you love. >> here we go, jimmy. >> jimmy: what are your names? >> julissa. >> andre. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> oceanside. >> jimmy: are you married? >> yes. >> jimmy: how long have you been married? >> two years. >> jimmy: how is it going so far? >> going good. >> jimmy: you seem okay about it, i get. i'm going to ask you to do, if you would be so kind, is to name nine things you love about each other. we're looking for nine things you love about each other. and we'll go lady's first. julissa. >> his smile. his eyes. >> jimmy: two. >> his height. >> jimmy: three. >> his personality. >> jimmy: okay. >> how many is that? >> four. >> he loves me. that's a good thing. >> jimmy: that's five. >> his family. i love his family. >> jimmy: that's good. six. >> he's got a good family. and he puts me before his car. >> seven. >> jimmy: all right.

>> i don't know. he's my teddy bear. >> jimmy: okay. >> one more. >> i said his height, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. one more. there's got to be one more. >> one more? [ laughter ] >> his smile. i don'know. >> you said smile. >> jimmy: one more. >> pressure. >> jimmy: look at him. >> he takes care of me. >> jimmy: that's good. he's caring. that's nine. all right. [ cheers and applause ] all right. now, andre, it's your turn. we're looking for nine things you love about julissa. >> okay. she really does take care of me. >> jimmy: okay. you still love her. >> a little. she's beautiful. >> jimmy: okay. >> that's two. she's cheap.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. in what way is she cheap? >> she doesn't like expensive things. >> jimmy: all right. good. >> simple. >> simple. that's a good word. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're at three. >> honestly, it's a lot of the same things. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. let's go through them. [ laughter ] >> oh, man. >> jimmy: you've only got six more. we have until 1:00 a.m. it will be fine. >> 1:00 a.m. oh, man. let's see. she took all of mine. >> jimmy: well, you can take them back if you can remember any of them. >> her eyes. >> jimmy: her eyes. >> her smile. >> jimmy: okay. >> she's funny. >> jimmy: funny. good. >> i love her attitude. >> jimmy: her attitude. that's nice. two more. >> two more? >> jimmy: yes. >> let's see. damn. [ laughter ]

i honestly can't think of anything. >> jimmy: is that how you're going to end this night because it's going to be trouble for you. you have to come up with two more. >> man. >> did he say cheap and simple yet? >> jimmy: he did say cheap and simple. he did. [ laughter ] >> you got me. i'm not going to lie. you got me. i'm in trouble. >> jimmy: you're out. you're drained. well, julissa, what do you think about that? >> that's horrible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i'm glad we could ruin your night, your evening. we're going to give you something anyway, as hopefully, to -- there you go. some lingerie. how nice. thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. >> jimmy: happy valentine's day. [ cheers and applause ] at least they'll have something to talk about now over dinner. we have a good show for you tonight. kevin nealon is with us. we have music from robin thicke. and we'll be right back with john goodman. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ male announcer ] the 2012 m-class continually monitors blind spots, scans the road to reveal potential threats, even helps awaken its driver if he begins to doze. so in the blink of an eye it will have performed more active safety measures than most cars will in a lifetime. introducing the all-new 2012 m-class. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. [ sighs ] i can't wait till morning. wait! it's morning in china! ♪ [ male announcer ] it's sweet, it's nutty... it's absolutely delicious. kellogg's crunchy nut. it's morning somewhere. absolutely. thank you so much. no problem. man: do your simple return with the turbotax federal free edition,

and now get our free, one-on-one, expert tax advice, live by phone or chat. get the federal free edition, at turbotax.com.

so i used my citi thank you card to pick up some accessories. a new belt. some nylons. and what girl wouldn't need new shoes? we talked about getting a diamond. but with all the thank you points i've been earning... ♪ ...i flew us to the rock i really had in mind. ♪ [ male announcer ] the citi thank you card. earn points you can use for travel on any airline, with no blackout dates.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to our valentine's night show. tonight on the program, a fun and sunny man you know from "saturday night live," from "weeds," from many things. this friday and saturday you can see him live at the denver comedy works in colorado, and on march 2nd and 3rd at the capitol city comedy club in austin, texas. kevin nealon is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, with music from this, his latest album, called "love after war," robin thicke, from the bud light outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we'll be joined by sean "diddy" combs, "science bob" pflugfelder will be here to amaze us. and we'll have music from miley cyrus. and then thursday night, chris pine, khloe kardashian odom, and

music from puscifer. so, join us for those. our first guest is a very fine actor. he is in not one, but two movies nominated for best picture at the oscars this year. his films "extremely loud & incredibly close," and "the artist," are in theaters now. please, say hello to john goodman. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. >> fine. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> happy valentine's day. >> jimmy: happy valentine's day to you, too. in fact, i have a little something for you. i made a book for you of some of our memories together. our valentine's day memories. >> well, jimmy, thank you. >> jimmy: would you like to see? >> i would. >> jimmy: if you don't mind, i

would like to share these. i made a little note for you. this is when you came out and said hello. [ laughter ] last time you were here. >> yeah. i'm wearing the same tie. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. you're about to sit down the last time. and then, you did sit down. remember that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then -- >> sporting a nice goatee. >> jimmy: we were talking. >> jimmy, those are just -- >> jimmy: you went to the bathroom, i think. >> i had to. those are just from the show. >> jimmy: and we were talking. and then, the end. >> that's -- >> jimmy: this is for you. you can take that home and cherish it. > thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i can't believe i'm wearing the same tie. i have the same tie on. >> jimmy: how many ties do you have? >> i have two. it's a 50/50 shot. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a really good chance. >> i have the same damn tie. >> jimmy: you have two ties. >> remind me to take this later.

>> jimmy: it's great to see you. >> i can't -- >> jimmy: i love that you have two ties. i have to say, that's a positive. >> you have a stylist. >> jimmy: i do. i have a guy with a million ties. i see them once and i never see them again. i could wipe my mouth with them if i wanted to. >> what do you think i'll do with this one? >> jimmy: mardi gras' coming up soon. >> mardi gras is coming up soon. >> jimmy: are you going to be in new orleans? >> i haven't been home for six weeks. i've been in london living in a hotel room. i got a little doughy. i'm going to go home and come back friday. my daughter is bringing 75 or 80 kids to the house for mardi gras for a sleepover. >> jimmy: are they in college? >> a bunch of college kids. >> jimmy: and they're all staying in your house? >> yeah. so i'm getting the hell out. >> jimmy: oh, you are. >> i have to go home to film something tomorrow. work thursday, friday morning

i'm coming back here. >> jimmy: you're not going to be around to chaperon this event. >> no. >> jimmy: do you have an apartment? >> where i keep my ties. we have a nice size house, near the carnival routes, the parade routes. >> jimmy: and the kids are going to fill in and possibly destroy it. >> possibly. i have insurance. >> jimmy: it will be all right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you remember your first mardi gras? >> i do. it was 40 years ago this year. it was 40 years ago this year. 50 fraternity guys from southwest missouri -- it was called southwest missouri state university then, loaded up a bus and went down to baton rouge first. and invaded a smaller fraternity house. they only had ten guys. so, we kind of took over there. we had touch football and gladiator games on the front lawn. we wore out our welcome. and then, we went down to new orleans for 24 hours.

there was no place to sleep. i had about 5 bucks. and i ran through that on boone's farm real quick. >> jimmy: where did you sleep? >> i slept on a street, in front of al hertz bar on bourbon street. it was back when you could still have glass bottles and stuff. i was ankle-deep in broken glass and booze and whatever. and i said, i'm home. >> jimmy: yeah. really. that's when your love affair with the city began. your kids don't have to go through that sort of thing. they have a nice house to be in. >> they can fill my house with glass shards. >> jimmy: that experience of -- >> oh, hell no. >> jimmy: of almost homeless. impoverished, gladiators. >> i killed a guy with a nut and a spear. >> jimmy: what? >> that was 40 years ago, jimmy. >> jimmy: the statute of limitations. >> especially in louisiana,

statute of limitations is six months. >> jimmy: right. i heard, and i guess this is public knowledge, that you're going to be doing a sitcom with roseanne again. >> well, we're going to do -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very exciting. >> yeah. it's going to be great. i don't have to meet any new people. same old group. >> jimmy: but are you concerned -- roseanne's crazy, right? she's a crazy person. >> we're all crazy in one way or another. but people love the crazy folks. >> jimmy: you figured out how to get along with roseanne. >> we got along. she made me laugh. and i did my best to make her laugh. it was like a family over there. >> jimmy: she wrote that -- >> a large, dysfunctional family. >> jimmy: she was in love with you. did you see that? she wrote an article saying the first year she was in love with you. >> well, she's crazy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were you aware of that? >> no. >> jimmy: at the time?

>> no. >> jimmy: what's the craziest thing you ever saw roseanne do? >> i don't know. i don't remember. it's been so long. >> jimmy: she once hit me on television, on her talk show. >> what did she hit you with? >> jimmy: her hand. i was lucky, you're saying? are you going to play husband and wife? >> not yet. who knows what will happen over the years? >> jimmy: i see. >> people in a trailer camp and how they get by. >> jimmy: really? wow. that's going to be great. well, when we come back, we'll talk about -- you have two films nominated for best picture at the oscars. john goodman is here. "the artist" is in theaters now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by bud light.i'm gladaflac pays aflac! ha! isn't major medical enough? huh! no! who's gonna help cover the holes in their plans? aflac! quack! like medical bills they don't pay for? aflac! or help pay the mortgage? quack! or child care? quack! aflaaac! and everyday expenses? huh?!

blurlbrlblrlbr!!! [ thlurp! ] aflac! [ male announcer ] help your family stay afloat at aflac.com. plegh! anything not moving forward is moving backward.

[ tires screech ] [ engine turns over, tires squeal ] introducing the 2013 gs. with the lexus enform app suite, the most connected information and communication technology available in an automobile. [ tires screeching ] the all-new 2013 lexus gs. there's no going back. new nutri-oil serum with precious argan oil. a nourishing serum that boosts smoothness and shine, all without weighing hair down. dove anti-frizz serum. from centrum. its unique assessment tool... helps you find the multivitamin and supplements... that are right for you. so visit nutritionpossible.com. better nutrition... is within reach. centrum. nutrition possible.

better nutrition... look! here she comes! ♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ ♪hen she comes. ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ ♪ when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons, ♪ ♪ gt35 turbo charger. ♪ and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought em! ( clears throat )) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.

♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that's john goodman in "the artist," nominated for

academy award, best picture. i enjoyed that film. >> i enjoyed watching it with an audience. >> jimmy: you happened into that movie, right? it was something that somebody pitched you. >> they asked me. i said yes. >> jimmy: you said, i'll do it. now, here it is, probably the favorite to win the academy awards. when you're acting, are you actually talking? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are? just moving your mouth. >> no telling what i'm saying. >> jimmy: you're just yammering there? >> yep. >> jimmy: is it easier to shoot something like that than a regular movie? >> you don't have to learn lines. >> jimmy: nice. >> it's about the same. >> jimmy: it's been nominated for best screen play, right? >> suckers. >> jimmy: it's got to be four pages long, right? >> yeah. he gave me this elaborate scenario with a lot of pretty pictures. that hooked me. >> that dog is something else, too. i probably would have taken that dog with me. you didn't like the dog? >> i loved the dog. i couldn't talk with the dog.

the day i shot with the dog, i had a 104-degree fever. i don't know if dogs can get human germs. >> jimmy: i don't think so. you didn't want to transmit -- you weren't french kissing the dog. >> i didn't want to talk to the dog. >> jimmy: we have a gift for you. you have the oscars show. and my cupid, guillermo, has another gift for you. this is -- i think you might be able to guess what this is. but this is just in case you do another talk show or anything like that. >> if ever. >> jimmy: it's a third tie to add to your collection. [ cheers and applause ] >> happy valentine's day. >> jimmy: happy valentine's day. john goodman, everyone. "the artist" is in theaters now. we'll be right back with kevin nealon. [ cheers and applause ] people keep asking me if that lady in the viva commercial

is really my mother. they keep asking me if the dirty guy is really my son. these viva towels really are tough, even when wet! [ mike ] that's my real father, cleaning up a real mess on a real grill. see? [ female announcer ] grab a roll and try it on your toughest mess. [siri] where are directions to santa cto santa cruz.a? where's the best bbq in kansas city? is there a rodeo in amarillo today? where are we? [siri] here's your current location. how big is the grand canyon? any gas stations we can walk to? [siri] i found 2 gas stations fairly close to you. what does orion look like? [siri] i found this for you. remind me to do this again. [siri] okay, i'll remind you.

the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com. can't get enough kimmel? find highlights and more at abc.com. there. whoaa! chase freedom is offering 5% cash back at gas stations this quarter. that's great! i know, right? just learned how to drive this yesterday. one second i'll be back around... here's that 5% cash back you earned. wow, thanks! courtesy of chase freedom. oh boy! earn 5% cash back at gas stations this quarter. activate your 5% cash back at chase.com/freedom.

[ male announcer ] mio. a revolutionary water enhancer. add a little or a lot. for a drink that's just the way you like it. and now, try new mio energy. the way you like it. what do you get when you combine the home depot with this weekend? the cure for cabin fever. because with get-it-done savings on everything we need... we can turn this weekend into a fresh floor... or an updated bathroom...

or a brand-new look. so let's hit those orange aisles, and make today the day, we make a big difference, no matter how big our budget. more saving. more doing. that's the power of the home depot maximize your budget with great buys, like mosaic tile, just $4.98 per square foot. sergio! christina! question for you. what factors led you to buy your explorer. definitely the ecoboost option. what's pretty amazing is that you can get the fuel economy of a car in an suv. that basically did it for us. and the technology... oh, my goodness, the technology is amazing. everything is touch. you can actually talk to the car and it talks back to you. what have your friends said about your explorer? can we drive it? can we borrow it? what's your answer? no. no way. uh uh. (laugh)

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: shoot that thing. [ cheers and applause ] shoot it. all right. this is why he didn't make the mexican olympic team. [ laughter ] like a tiny candy heart with a message on it, few things say i love you like a visit from our next guest. you can see him live at the

denver comedy works this friday and saturday night, and in austin, texas, at the capitol city comedy club, march 2nd and 3rd. please say hello kevin nealon. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. >> good to see you, too. >> jimmy: i haven't seen you in a while. >> it has been a while, hasn't it? >> jimmy: you've been doing a lot of standup a lot. >> i'm doing a special for showtime, february 17th. yeah. i've been traveling a lot. i just got back. it got quiet. >> jimmy: where were you? they're hanging on your every word. >> i was in florida, visiting my family. my parents are down there. >> jimmy: oh, wow. yeah. >> they're doing well. they've been married for 61 years. [ cheers and applause ] it's amazing. it's amazing. and they still hold hands, which is nice. they still hold hands. >> jimmy: that's sweet. >> it really is. i think that's just to keep from falling over.

>> jimmy: whatever the reason, it's positive. and everything else is good for you, as far as the family. your wife. she's okay with you abandoning her on valentine's day today? >> i'm not really abandoning her. she's very supportive of me working on valentine's day night. and very encouraging. i hope she's watching this. and she's -- she's always been supportive of me. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> can we get her a dvd of this? >> jimmy: sure. definitely. we'll edit out any of the parts you don't want her to see. >> she's good about that. >> jimmy: as a child, when you were a kid, do you remember valentine's day in school? >> i do remember getting the cards on valentine's day. that was the beginning of, people learning how to stalk. you know? you got the anonymous card from somebody. and you don't know who it was from. the whole day you're suspecting -- >> jimmy: you get a card -- the cards have spider-man on them. >> not back then. i don't know what they did.

>> jimmy: mine did. batman or something. anded y and you'd have to write a valentine for the boy you fought the day before at school. very strange. do you remember your first girlfriend as a kid? >> i remember the first girl i kissed. it was a hayride. everyone else was making out at the hayride. i was too nervous to make out with her. it started getting the end of the hayride. i thought, it's now or never. i went in. i had my eyes closed. i ended up kissing her on her eye. the whole time, i was kissing her eye. and i could feel her eyelashes fluttering. like what is that? i felt her eyebrow. and i thought that was a mustache. and for a week after that, her eye was all pink, you know? from me kissing it. >> jimmy: from your love. >> i should have had visine on my tongue. >> jimmy: how did you meet your wife, susan? >> i met her -- at an audition -- not an audition. my friend of mine was in a talk show pilot. >> jimmy: not a hayride? >> this is not the hayride, no. the talk show took place on a

hayride. >> jimmy: and she was on the show? >> she was the fashion -- fashion correspondent. and she had been waiting in the makeup room for a while. i just got there. no one else was in the makeup room. i saw her and was immediately attracted to her. i have never been good at pickup lines. and this came out of nowhere. it wasn't a pickup line. it was a feeler. i said you always feel about single women adopting kids. but can a single guy adopt a kid? and she went -- >> jimmy: it's diabolical. >> yeah. and so -- >> jimmy: that's when you learned she was gullible. >> that's when i learned she was gullible. and she also wanted to know if a single guy could adopt a kid, i guess. we hung out. and one thing led to another. >> jimmy: how long have you been married now? >> we've been together 10 1/2 years and married for 6 1/2 years. >> jimmy: that's pretty good.

and she's at home, right? >> at home. it's fun being married. i love it. >> jimmy: you do? >> oh, you're not married. >> jimmy: no. remember? what happened. >> there are challenges, too. >> jimmy: oh, yes, there are. sometimes you don't surpass those challenges. sometimes the challenges win. >> that's true. that's true. in your case. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] i've been there, too. i've been there, too. you know, it's like you're used to certain things when you're single. i had a bag of ice that i used on all my joints. >> jimmy: a bag of ice? >> a frozen bag of peas. >> jimmy: like an ice pack? >> with peas. they conform to your body. if it's a lip, an eye, a foot. anything. i had this bag of peas for six years. the same bag of peas. and i would always have it. we had been through a lot together. that was my wilson. >> jimmy: the volleyball?

>> yeah. and then, i got married. and she didn't realize that was my wilson. and she cooked it for dinner one night. a bag of peas. i explained to her, don't you know, that was my bag of ice. that was my wilson right there. and we ate it. and it was like eatingour pet, you know? [ laughter ] and it tasted kind of minty from all of the ben gay i put on it over the years. it was worth it. >> jimmy: if that's the only sacrifice you have to make, it's probably worth it. i know you brought something along. >> i have some no-noes for valentine's day. >> jimmy: okay. >> don't wait too long to get your valentine's day card. it gets picked over at the end. and you go there, and it's just crap. i went there today to find some of the cards. >> jimmy: these were picked-over items? >> yeah. here's the first one. >> jimmy: all right. you can read them. >> tonight is going to be very special. and then, you open it up. just you, me, and all-new "ncis

los angeles." that is what's left on the rack. here's another one. happy valentine's day from the 2012 super bowl champion new england patriots. >> that one goes to kenya, i think. >> you look beautiful sleeping. >> jimmy: okay. >> and that is, love, your dentist. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that is a little weird. [ laughter ] >> happy valentine's day, sexy. i love you, grandma. [ laughter ] now, here's the thing. if you can't find anything, it's almost better to get the divider that separates the things. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and you make your own little card. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> you doodle a little heart like that. >> jimmy: uh-huh. do they let you take those? >> they don't let you. but you know. >> jimmy: you can. >> it's worth it. >> jimmy: that's a great tip. is that for me? >> yeah.

>> jimmy: okay. thank you, kevin. i'm happy to be your valentine. kevin will be performing at the denver comedy works in greenwood village, colorado, friday and saturday night, and at the capitol city comedy club in austin, texas, march 2nd and 3rd. we'll be right back with robin thicke. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light.

the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. >> jimmy: this is his latest album, "love after war." here with the song "pretty li'l heart," robin thicke. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ don't worry you got me ♪ ♪ i said, baby, don't worry you got me ♪ ♪ don't worry your pretty little heart ♪ ♪ tell me something sweet tell me something nice ♪ ♪ tell me something good baby, tell me it's all right ♪ ♪ tell me that you love me tell me you'll be there ♪ ♪ i get so worried sometimes the world will not be fair ♪ ♪ tell me that i'm sexy like i was before ♪ ♪ tell me i got it that you want it even more ♪ ♪ tell me that you'll never

ever leave me side ♪ ♪ tell me 'cause you know i need to hear it every night ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your ♪ ♪ pretty little heart i said ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your pretty little heart ♪ ♪ tell me who you with tell me where you were ♪ ♪ tell me, did you go out and start talking to some girl ♪ ♪ i want to believe you you know how hard i try ♪ ♪ after all we've been through it's so hard to say good-bye ♪ ♪ tell me that the future is getting brighter now ♪ ♪ tell me that we'll make it that we'll make it somehow ♪ ♪ tell me it's forever that we'll never part ♪ ♪ tell me that you'll never break my pretty little heart ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your ♪ ♪ pretty little heart and i said ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your pretty little heart ♪ ♪ tell me that's the money tell me i'm a star ♪

♪ tell me that you'll never break my pretty little heart ♪ ♪ say you'll take me places everything's okay ♪ ♪ tell me 'cause you know i need that pump-up every day ♪ ♪ tell me that's your money won't get in our way ♪ ♪ tell me that the chance i take won't blow up in my face ♪ ♪ tell me that you'll do it that you'll do it real ♪ ♪ i'll leave you if you break my pretty little heart, i will ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your ♪ ♪ pretty little heart and i said ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your pretty little heart ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry your ♪ ♪ pretty little heart and i said ♪ ♪ baby, you got me don't worry