their shoulders. well, finn took the test in and got a 99. one thing is for certain, these parents do love their kids and that may be the biggest advantage of all. jimmy kimmel, coming up next. tonight on "jimmy kimmel live," edie falco. >> my son is not having it. he will look around, and go, my mom's nurse jackie. >> from "dancing with the stars," jack wagner. >> you got outdanced by urkle. i don't know any other way to put it. >> no other way to look at it. >> and comedian amy shoer. >> we're really done. >> no, we're not. >> d-u-n.

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- edie falco. jack wagner. and comedian amy schumer. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look alive! here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. thank you. that's very nice. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show.

thank you for watching, thank you for coming out. that's very nice of you. er appreciate it. you picked -- let me tell you something, you picked a great night to visit, because tonight, i will make one of you my bride. [ cheers and applause ] i hate to start things off with bad news, but there was a tornado in dallas and it was elimination night on "dancing with the stars" tonight. tonight, we said good-bye to yet another of the people we thought we said good-bye to about ten years ago. tonight, soap opera and "melrose place" star jack wagner got the spangled axe. there he is, dressed like a rejected super hero, flame man or something. jack and hisis partner, anna trebunskaya, will be here later and at which time, i will break down exactly where they went wrong. you know what? you never really count a guy like jack wagner out, because he's a soap star and in three episodes, he could be back to

stop a wedding and announce he's pregnant by coa-host brook burk. this has been an emotional week on "dancing with the stars." they call it personal story week. this is where each of the contestants items a sad story, to try to make us feel bad enough to vote for them. every one of the stories ends up with, and then i wound up on "dancing with the stars." it's heartbreaking, but -- [ applause ] they do it every season. [ cheers and applause ] it's a tradition. typically it results in a few tears, but this year, we got buckets of tears. we got tears from almost every dancer on the show. >> my parents worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. >> it's so hard to think about. >> it was just an amazing moment. >> beautiful.

>> ah -- >> aw, gavin. >> jeffrey, i love you. and thank you so much for -- >> she grabbed me and i stepped away. she said, you don't know who i am, do you? i said, no. she said, i'm your daughter. >> any time i touch that, that's my mickey mouse. that's my mickey mouse and -- >> and that's emotional for you. >> what's that all about? >> i love entertaining people. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i know. i feel the same way. apparently, there's a lot more

to jaleel white than any of us anticipated. stefan and steve urkel are his mickey mouse. hell of a theme park. [ laughter ] meanwhile, in other sports news, kentucky beat kansas last night to win the college basketball men's championship in new orleans. [ applause ] it was good to crown a champion without the help of tom bergeron for a change. anthony davis, who is a big star and will be with us on thursday night, and needless to say, there was a lot of celebration in lexington, kentucky, last night. fans flooded the streets and the local cbs news team was there. >> we're going to pitch it over to gabe, who is at woodland. gabe, what's the scene like there? >> we are live here at the corner of -- >> ah!

>> how do you feel, sir? >> i feel [ bleep ] up. >> woo! >> j-e-t-s, jets, jets, jets. >> we're going to toss it back over to you guys. [ applause ] >> jimmy: back to you in the motor home. i wonder why they were in an rv, maybe for protection. you know, in texas today, areas in and around dallas/ft. worth got hit by a series of very destructive tornadoes. no one was killed, but a lot of buildings were destroyed and thousands of homes and businesses have lost power. cnn had an amazing video tonight provided by a viewer named vincent tang. he climbed opt his roof to get this footage, which wasn't a great idea. but it did work out nicely for the rest of us. >> oh, my god. please, oh, shoot, oh, america. my god.

look at that. holy -- holy smart is about -- is about -- about a block or two away from my house. look at that. oh, shoot. oh, shoot. oh, holy shoot. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: real shoot storm down there. [ applause ] we got to -- we got to introduce vincent to the double rainbow guy, that would be -- [ laughter ] more primary elections were held in wisconsin, maryland, and washington, d.c. today. it feels like this primary has been going on for -- how many states are there now? [ laughter ] mitt romney was expected to sweep all three primaries, or, at least hire a guy to sweep them for him, and he did. most experts believe this was rick santorum's last chance for the nomination. some top conservatives are urging him to pull out of the race, but santorum has rebuffed those requests, he refuses to pull out.

apparently he considers that a form of contraception, which he -- [ laughter ] i guess the -- i guess the santorum campaign is hoping to keep it going until at least the primary later this month in his home state of pennsylvania. that's where his family lives. tonight, we're fortunate enough to welcome his brother to the show. we talked to him a couple of times before. here he is now live from his home in harrisburg, pennsylvania, rick santorum's brother, l. brent santorum. hello, l. brent. thank you for being with us. >> my pleasure, jimmy. >> jimmy: before we talk about the primaries, i want to bring up something that happened last week. your brother was on a campaign stop at a bowling alley in wisconsin. while he was there, a young boy picked up a pink bowling ball and your brother stopped him, saying something to the effect of friends don't let friends use pink balls. >> that is true. jimmy, noung boys have no business touching pink balls. >> jimmy: but why not?

i mean, it's a kid and the pink balls are probably lighter than the black ones, right? >> jimmy, i've had the pleasure of handling balls of all colors. pink, black, brown, asian. i've even had blue balls from time to time. little pink balls can hurt a boy's self-esteem. >> jimmy: how can they hurt a boy's self-esteem? >> because pink indicates a certain femininity. when you see the color pink, you think of princess dresses and my little pony, whereas black, the color of tires, american tires. and coal, which my grandfather worked so hard to mine and make a better life for his children. when i go bowling with my family, my beautiful wife, medusa, our children here,

faith, hope, charity, piety, grace, sobriety, abostinence and shakira, we teach them that pink balls are for girls and black balls, big, oily black balls are for men. >> jimmy: for men. okay. all right, now -- a lot of people are saying that after mitt romney's victory tonight, the race is essentially over. >> nothing could be further from the truth, jimmy. but -- >> jimmy: how is he going to -- even just from a math standpoint, it doesn't seem like he has any chance to win this thing at all. >> jimmy, i think my latest song will speak louder than words. >> jimmy: oh, okay, good. you have a song. ♪ well the righteous man will triumph ♪ ♪ as the sinner surely falls ♪ crushed beneath the heavy weight of rick santorum's big black balls ♪

♪ so, let's say good-bye to hippies ♪ ♪ and homosexuals ♪ reclaim our land for jesus with my brother's big black balls ♪ ♪ rick santorum's big black balls ♪ ♪ rick santorum's big black balls ♪ ♪ bouncing up the alleyways and rolling down the halls ♪ ♪ so say good-bye to romney's and gingrich's and paul's ♪ ♪ stand up for santorum ♪ his balls will save us all [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: beautiful voice. thank you, thank you. lovely tone to his voice. really nice. sarah palin was a guest host this morning on the "the today show." did you see this? i have to be honest with you, it was strange to see her as a morning tv host when we know her so well as a serious politician, but she did well. she's like the perfect cross

between barbara walters and ted nugent. not only did she get national television exposure this morning, she also bagged a 224-pound roker. not everyone on the show seemed excited to have sarah palin in the host chair, in particular, "today" regular host ann curry. watch ann curry's face through this. we zoomed in a few times while sarah palin is talking. talking tori spelling. oh, interesting, what a fascinating question. here they are out on the boulevard. uh-huh. yeah. i've heard that before. and then over to you. that's what they call chemistry. that's what you look for.

guillermo and i have it. >> yes. >> jimmy: see? >> yes. >> jimmy: meanwhile, congratulations are in order for levy johnston, who is going to be a dad again. isn't that -- he's the alaskan flavor flav. levi johnson fathered a child with bristol palin back in 2008. they got engaged, broke up and then got back together, broke up again. today, he confirmed that he has impregnated yet another girlfriend, a young lady named sunny ogelsby. he might be the father of snooki's baby. this makes sense. you know, he's claimed that sarah and todd palin have prevented him from seeing his son, tripp, so, he made a new one. resourceful. if i lived in alaska, i would never even be nude. never mind have two -- by the year 2030, all alaskans will either be palins or johnstons. and -- how many of you are

celebrating easter this weekend, easter sunday? a few? [ cheers and applause ] well -- my aunt chippy is a very festive woman, i think is a good way to describe her. she loves the holidays. she spreads a lot of cheer. she's a master when it comes to party planning and all that sort of thing. so, we thought that we would ask her to show us how to put an easter basket together. and here now, with some help from one of our directors, brad, and my cousin sal, here's my aunt chippy with a new edition of "chip's tips." >> this is aunt chippy with chip's tips. we're going to decorate some easter eggs today and then we're going to make a centerpiece -- >> cut! you're stumbling over your words. >> okay. >> and camera? action. oh, wait, cut. you need to smile. as soon as i say camera, because

you don't look like -- >> everything is festive around you exempt for your mouth. >> here we go. camera. action! >> [ bleep ]. w why, what do i have to wait like an hour for action? hurry up and get this [ bleep ] over with. come on! i'm ready. >> lots of energy. make this one go. >> let's go. >> are you ready? >> i'm ready! >> and action. >> hi, this is aunt chippy with chip's tips. >> we're going to color some easter eggs and we're going to make a nice easter basket and centerpiece today. >> a what? >> can i get past the [ bleep ] thing? i can't even get to the jeff je beans, for god sake. >> there's a problem. there are two cameras and she's only looking at one. maybe she should say a few words, then look to the other camera. >> we could try it. >> why do we have to try it, sal? what the hell do i [ bleep ] go home, if you don't have nothing

to do, let them go home. >> ridiculous. >> get a shot of chippy. ready? >> where am i looking? >> smile chippy, smile. >> and action. >> hi this is aunlt chippy with chip's tips. we're going to be coloring some easter eggs today and then we're going to be making -- >> cut, cut. you're supposed to -- >> you're going like this and like this. i can't keep track of which way he's going. >> you'll get it right. >> maybe. >> now, we're going to start with an easter egg. we're going to color an easter egg. >> [ bleep ]. >> it went out. >> i can't even get them out. >> let's cut. let's cut. >> this looking back and forth to the cameras, that's stupid. is the -- >> i don't think it's working. >> look into the membership camera.

>> i just want this to be more eastery. you know what? let's give you bunny ears. >> there goes my hair. [ bleep ]. ♪ here comes peter cotton -- >> no. ears look stupid. let's take them off. >> makes her look like the devil. >> the devil? >> that's what i'm saying. >> bunch of atheist bastards that you all are. >> leave them on. do one with a hop. >> no, i'm not adding no hop. i'm not hopping. i'm not hopping! i'm going to choke to death on this freaking thing. enough already. >> your hair is crazy now. >> and then we're going to put the best part in, which is the chocolate bunny. everybody looks forward to it. >> cut, cut. i think if we just have a brown chocolate bunny, people might

think it's racist. >> oh, yeah, yeah. >> a freaking easter bunny, even that has become racist? what has gone wrong with us? >> we'll get letters. >> what is wrong with us? and you want to know something? i prefer the dark chocolate. >> kim kardashian over there. >> for real. >> can we just put the white one? >> yeah, we'll integrate it. >> we have the white chocolate and we've got the dark chocolate. >> i really like this one the best. >> cut, cut. >> you can't do that. >> you pointed to the african-american bunny -- >> i wouldn't call it an african-american. i call it a chocolate bunny. i call this a dark chocolate and i call this a white chocolate. >>not paying enough attention. >> which one you might prefer to eat. we're eating these! we're not going next door or across the street.

we're eating them! >> can you just say something nice about the caucasian bunny? >> yeah, say something nice about both. >> you know what? we have two bunnies here. i don't give a [ bleep ] which one you eat. actually, i'll eat both of them. and it hope your teeth fall out. happy easter, good-bye. i'm done. i don't want no more. [ applause ] i don't do that [ bleep ]. >> one more -- >> no, no more. easter is going to go to the 4th of july. give me a break. >> we really are not done. >> we're really done. >> no, we're not. >> d-u-n. done. >> no, no. let's -- >> hey. >> have a [ bleep ] happy easter. bye! i'm out of here. >> jimmy: happy easter from my family to yours. tonight on the show, the very funny comedian amy schumer is here. from "dancing with the stars,"

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>> jimmy: well, hello, everyone. tonight on the show, the latest celebrity to meet the cold blade of the sequined guillotine, fresh off elimination from "dancing with the stars," jack wagner and his

partner, anna trebunskaya, are here. and then, a very funny woman. you can see her live in las vegas, april 6th through 8th, at the riviera comedy club. amy schumer is with us. tomorrow night, from the new "american pie" movie, jason biggs will be here as will lionel richie and billy currington will be here tomorrow night. our first guest tonight tonight is the only woman in the history of television to win the emmy for best actress in a drama series and in a comedy series too. she's like the theater masks come to life. she really is. season four of her show "nurse jackie" premieres on showtime this sunday night at 9:00. please welcome edie falco. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad to have you here. i'm excited to meet you. >> i'm glad to be here as well.

>> jimmy: are you 100% italian-american? >> no, i am half italian, half swedish. >> jimmy: do you have an aunt chippy in your family? >> i don't think i do. i don't think i've seen anything like that in my life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: unfortunately, i've seen it since the day i was born. >> i bet you have. >> jimmy: those big red lips were in my face from that moment on. so, your dad's side is italian, mom's side is swedish. did the italians devour the sweemds? >> that's what it came down to. they were more vocal about where i spent sundays and holidays and birthdays. >> jimmy: i see. >> i saw a great deal of them. >> jimmy: that happened in my family, too. my dad is german-irish. they just steam-rolled them. >> we're going here to grandma's. >> jimmy: part of it, the food is better. you can kind of inclined to go, but also the squeaky wheel. >> exactly what it was. >> jimmy: born in brooklyn? >> born in brooklyn. >> jimmy: do you go back and hang out with the family much? >> on long island.

i see them when i can. i go out fairly frequently. >> jimmy: you have two kids? >> i have two little kids, yes. >> jimmy: how old are they? >> they are 7 and 4. >> jimmy: are that you aware that their mother is famous? >> i don't really know. maybe they think every kid's mom is on a bus. i have no idea actually what they make of it. my son, who is 7, i think is starting to get an idea about it. of, like, in my life, i try to t keep a low profile. it's just kind of who i am. my son's not having it. we'll be out in public and he'll look around and go, my mom's nurse jackie, she's nurse jackie, pointing like this. mortifying, really, like for few people piss me off the way my kids can. that's a big one. >> jimmy: they will probably wind up saying the same thing about you. >> i have the feeling. >> jimmy: that's the way it works. now, did the producers of the sopranos know you were half swedish? >> they do now.

we didn't talk about that. >> jimmy: you have to keep that thing close to the vest. >> under wraps. >> jimmy: how afternooften do p ask you about the ending of the show? >> i still get it. but for the -- for the big chunk of time right after the show, i got it all the time. people ill had never seen before, what the [ bleep ] was that? and i -- i knew exactly what they were talking about and -- as if i had written it. i had to explain, well, what i was going for -- i don't know what it was, i was doing my job. i say the lines and i go home. >> jimmy: do you have a theory? i don't know if you noticed, but i wasn't on the show. >> no, no. i thought -- >> jimmy: i think tony got shot at the end of the show. i think that somebody, online made a very strong case, for the possibility that he got shot. by analyzing other instances where people on the show got shot. >> can i tell you something? nothing actually happened. >> jimmy: nothing happened?

>> we said cut, and we went home. so actually you're entitled to think that's what happened, but absolutely nothing happened. >> jimmy: are you trying to tell me that you weren't really in the mafia? [ laughter ] >> i don't want to push you into something you're not ready for, but it was all pretend. >> jimmy: there was a great article in "vanity fair" last month that i read. you guys, it was the oral history of "the sopranos" and james gandolfini said, "i'm still in love with edie. of course i love my wife, but i'm in love with edie. i'm in love with her." >> i need a minute. wow, i didn't read the article. that's really something. >> jimmy: yeah. are you in love with him? >> i don't know what color i am right now. i'm not getting into that. i mean -- it does get unusual, i have to say. you really -- much of it is a

job. there's part of you that it gets under your skin. i saw him in a play with marsha gay harden and they were sitting next to each other and she had her arm around him. i was like, what's up with that? that's -- and his wife is lovely and still, i feel like, you know, send him home at the night of the night, to my house. i don't know. it gets in deep. you don't mean for it to, but it does. >> jimmy: i wonder if that's the case on bad shows. i wonder if it's only the really good shows where there's some real chemistry there and real -- >> i don't know. i stay out of that one. >> jimmy: "nurse jackie" is a great success -- i mean, this is a show -- you have four seasons of the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: and i actually watched the episode that's going to air on sunday. >> oh, yeah? >> jimmy: i don't note how much we can reveal about it. i don't know if you care to reveal. maybe we shouldn't reveal anything about it. >> i haven't seen it. >> jimmy: okay. i'll tell you what happens. >> i really haven't seen it finished. >> jimmy: you get shot at the end of the episode. >> what the [ bleep ] is that?

>> jimmy: knowing the show is named "nurse jackie," there's very little chance you are going to get killed off. >> i don't know. how long have you been in this business? it could be called nurse, as far as i know. >> jimmy: even weirder when you're son is just yelling "nurse" on the bus. people will be dialing 9 11. "nurse jackie" is a drug addict. >> indeed. >> jimmy: and, well, i'm going to leave it to you to set this clip up because i don't want to say something stupid. i prefer they be angry with you. >> i'm here to serve. i think she's going into rehab, if i'm not mistaken. i think that's maybe what you're talking about. >> jimmy: going into rehab and this is maybe the first moments. let's take a look. >> did anybody help you pack? >> no. >> and it was in your possession the whole time? >> what am i, getting on a plane? yes, i packed my own bag. it's been in my possession the whole time. >> let's make it really clear.

you're accountable now, for every item in this bag, every word out of your mouth, every move you make. >> that's my tooth paste. >> guess how many nurses crush up their oxy and reseal their toothpaste? don't test me. toothpaste in the bathroom. >> i'm here to get better, not worse. >> we'll see. from what i've seen so far, detox is going to be a bitch. welcome to rehab. >> jimmy: there you go. that's "nurse jackie." premieres sunday night at 9:00 on showtime. thank you so much for being here. edie falco, everyone. we'll be right back with jack wagner and anna trebunskaya. ♪ ♪ ♪

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>> jimmy: hi there. still to come, amy shoy shoe sc will be with us. as a soap opera veteran, our next guest is used to betrayal, forbidden passion, and the unpredictable death of a beloved character. but last night fact and fiction overlapped as he became the second casualty of this season's "dancing with the stars." here with his dance partner,

anna trebunskaya, please welcome jack wagner. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, i'm sorry to see you. >> thank you, sir. >> jimmy: you got outdanced by urkel, i don't know any other way to put it. [ laughter ] >> there's no other way to look at it. >> jimmy: is this -- are you disappointed? >> yeah, yeah, very disappointed. but you know what? it's such a great ride. what an honor to be on that show and really test yourself. i've had an amazing partner. [ cheers and applause ] you wake up every day and really have to put your game face on and have someone who will stand by your side. >> jimmy: did you stand by his side and push him? >> absolutely. >> i lost my balance, she still pushed me. >> jimmy: i should ask you, anna, are you disappointed by this? because now you get the rest of the year off?

>> of course, i'm disappointed, but no, we have two seasons a year, so it will only be six months. >> jimmy: i see. so you're pretty broken up about this, it sounds like. >> i am, yeah. [ laughter ] no, but actually -- ha ha. actually, i'm very disappointed to see jack go because this season everybody is quite amazing. last night, what happened, everybody kind of had the same score, so it really got evened out. and i could see how much jack improved. i knew that he was going to keep improving and i really wanted to go out there and test those waters and see how he would look in more spandex. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did get a good score, you got a 24, but like everybody's kind of good this year, unfortunately for you. you don't have a master p in there to throw to the wolves or something. >> no, no two left feet any place. >> jimmy: that is unfortunate. but i also heard that -- i heard that, and you can tell me if this is true, that you are

actually kind of happy, because you have a golf tournament that you want to play on monday. is that true? >> my, you know, one of my missions in life is the leukemia lymphoma society because of my brother's had leukemia, full bone marrow. so, i have an event every year to raise money and that's what i have. >> jimmy: so you threw the competition for your brother? >> it's for a good cause. >> jimmy: last night you broke down in tears. you weren't the only one. pretty much -- do you wish, in retrospect, you'd cried harder? [ laughter ] >> you know, you bring these thoughts up afterwards. where were you last night, jimmy? >> jimmy: i could have helped. >> you could have give him good coaching tips. >> jimmy: i could have. nobody ever asks me. i come afterwards, when it's too late. >> nice of you. thank you. >> jimmy: but you got choked up because you were talking about, and you danced for, your daughter, the daughter you didn't know about? >> no, no. she found me in november.

and this was a celebration dance for everybody who has faced adoption and gone through the miracles and heartaches of people who try to find their parents and my daughter has a lot of courage. >> jimmy: she found you. she must have been surprised when she found out you were you. most dads, like, suck, you know? [ laughter ] >> yeah, i don't know. >> jimmy: your daughter is a dance instructor? >> yes. she's a lot of things, but you know what, she's a beautiful young woman, 23 years old. >> jimmy: is that going to hurt her business, the fact that you were already eliminated? >> she was there giving me notes on keeping my arms up. i'm like, it's over. >> jimmy: did you feel it's over? >> no, i didn't -- >> jimmy: oh, after -- >> afterwards. like a good daughter would do. >> jimmy: well, she's making up forhenpecking, i guess. >> it was a very special evening for all the contestants. we led it off and i thought that

was a special place to be. it was an important story. >> jimmy: what about that outfit you were wearing last night? now, you're doing this dance as tribute to your daughter and you're dressed like -- >> tell me. what would you say? >> jimmy: you looked like -- >> like a sunset. >> jimmy: that's one way of putting it. [ laughter ] you looked like a gay match. [ laughter ] >> hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, i mean -- [ applause ] >> you know, they have these outfits and they have -- [ laughter ] >> that's a good face. >> jimmy: do you have to wear the outfit they give you? were there any choices? other options? >> no, jimmy, there are no choices. >> jimmy: there are no choices. did you choose this? see, that's what your daughter was saying. you have to -- >> that's what he did. he did that. >> jimmy: well, you did get a good score. just, you know, everybody did, unfortunately.

next time, maybe you hit somebody in the kneecaps or something like that? >> i'm not quite over the gay match yet. working on that. >> jimmy: that website is excellent. i recommend it. [ laughter ] so -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: will you dance again? will there be any further dancing? >> what are you talking about? >> jimmy: i mean, will you continue to dance? >> our team dance was wag and buns. so team wag and buns were talking about our next project. anna has no idea right now. so, we're going to put ice on it and -- >> jimmy: so you have some time to think about this. unfortunately we have a tradition here at the show. and that is, when you come leer, we go outside for the ceremonial burning of the capezios. there's guillermo. jack, tonight, you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars," and now your shoes pay the price. guillermo? >> oh! >> jimmy: america has spoken and

your dance card has been punched. jack and anna, everybody. "dancing with the stars" mondays at 8:00, tuesdays at 9:00 here on abc. we'll be right back with amy schumer. [ bell dings ] we're pressed for time so here it is. i'm looking for the one. kids, house, the whole domestic thing, you know? then why does your relationship status say, "never getting married"? hmm... that was the old me. it says you updated it 15 minutes ago. yes...yup... yeah that was before i met you. favorite pickup line: "nothing mattered before i met you." ha...oh...that's... why did i put that... [ male announcer ] only at&t's 4g network lets your iphone download three times faster. at&t. but my smile wasn't. [ female announcer ] new crest 3d white intensive professional effects whitestrips. it goes below he enamel surface to whiten as well as a five-hundred dollar professional treatment. wow, that's you? [ female announcer ] new intensive professional effects whitestrips.

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>> jimmy: hello there. our next guest is a very funny

person, whom you can side live april 6th through 8th at the riviera comedy club in las vegas. please welcome, amy schumer. >> thank you, so much. i really appreciate that. i just went through a break-up, and -- thank you. i know. i know you guys are thinking, like don't worry, amy. you'll bounce back. you're super pretty and guys really like your body type. thank you. [ laughter ] that means a lot. i know i have a body type because of the way guys hit on me. like, they're never like, you're pretty, what do you do? i don't know what guys say. they come up and they'll be like, i like you. you're like a sturdy -- you look like you could take a punch. i'm like, what? you're right, but -- so i'm like dating now. it's so awkward. like, how do you ask someone to wear a condom? i say something cute, like, "you're going to want to wear

this, i've had a busy month!" [ laughter ] it's really funny. you can use that. that's yours to use. so, i'm on the road almost all the time, because i'm killing it in the biz, and -- [ laughter ] thank you. but every week i do this local press, these interviews, and they ask the same questions. they're like, is it harder being a female comedian? every week, is it harder? no. it's -- they think we get up here and just bleed all over the stage. keep my ovaries down and my boobs up. no. we tell jokes like everybody else. it's just harder to be a female. in general. ill mean, just in prep time, right? getting ready? mrauls place thanks, sister friends. look at the guys you're sitting next to tonight. some of them bangable, not all of them. let's keep it real. keep it real. you phoned it in with that shirt, sir.

but -- like, what did you do to get ready? nothing, you didn't get ready, did you? no, men don't have to. you put on your shirt, give yourself one of these in the mirror, you're out the door. [ laughter ] it takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes. women, we're like circus freaks with the stuff we have to do. we wear heels, we walk around on stilts all night and we paint our faces with makeup like we're geisha and we put a string in our crack. we wear jewelry. we wear shiny things, like, look over here, follow me to the altar. [ cheers and applause ] it's work, right? that's why at the end of a saturday night, you always see some sad girl carrying her heels, like she just gave up, crying off her makeup. it looks like she's melting, right, like, "why didn't anyone pick me?"

because you have puke on your tube dress. it's awkward. this was really awkward. i was in a bathroom at a comedy club a couple of weeks ago and there was a bathroom attendant. have you ever been like, oh, sweet, a bathroom attendant! no. it's always just a big bag of awkward. right? it's never good. so, like, you're never peeing, thinking, i'm not going to leave here without a starburst. hope there's mystery perfume out there. no. so i go in, and the bathroom attendant is like, they're all full right now. you're going to have to wait a minute. and i was like, yeah, yeah, i know how a bathroom works. thanks. like i was just going to start going rogue and pounding on all the stalls, what are you doing in there? peeing in the sink.

"i do what i want!" i come out. she hands me a paper towel. thank you. i would have just dripped like stigmata. help me! [ laughter ] now she's going to think it's a race thing. well -- i just wanted to say that, because whatever race you just assumed it was, like, that's who you hate, so -- think about that. thank you guys so much. you were a great crowd. i appreciate it. >> jimmy: very, very funny. amy schumer, everybody. we'll be right back.