it's like a sauna in here. oh, no ts not rick. [ john ] no. so no. soiov sbody who apprecis i'm under 400 calories. ♪ were you just... no. the simpleoy g all. helping you save, even if it's not with us -- are you supposed to be driving that in re but -- but -- but i loveou! ♪ now, that's progressive! call or click today. of oscar mayer selects. eat at?ors. oule now, how'she t this way.evresne e it downtown rembrandt® deeply white™ yo>> jimmy: that is i am the tastes you love ore. for lunch and dinner. us[ ro to try it. but did you know awtha t whiten in just 2 hours. an rembrandt® deeply white™ i'm leaving you.y? ♪ all covered in thick belgian chocolate. >> dicky: tonight on jimmy of course i do. kimmel live -- >> it'ey ws azt. >> elf dental there's a lot of interest in seeing octomom take stuff liha her clothes off. [ malle arekall strapped to a chair. because she's a clebl, but also innte to put friday. joel kinnaman, everybody. because if a baby comes out sta hi there. during the dance, you get to h week. keep it. >> have you decided? g now, how'she [ loth al at the peak of the season,wntown er it ve >> i'm thinking about lightning a and every week. 24big deals this week concert series sponsoredynect r bolts on my inner thigh. themselves, like- ] my smartphone is the one thing that i never leave in a smartphon bluehirt: when the technology's right, anything can happen. good oizom [ laughter ] us we made the right decision.o saex only at best buy. at gas s. >> dicky: i on th e lineinclr thighs. >> and joel kina man and music from serj tankian. if you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. the unliat olive garden.d, an just $6.95. i know, ri one second i'll be gh thanks! we fresh, crisp salad made wright out just $6.95. stations this quarter. coursy bacat gas you get one for me too se... ...across every ssibtewa livingd platinum plus carpet. the more you move, you know from "the killing" on s! fresh, crisp salad made wright out just $6.95. o okse get the ferris wheel in the background. were you just... so...okay...ee? joel kinnaman is here.him to help me assemble. if you've got a business, you didn't build that. system of a down, this is his third solo album cal share photos with your friends. insta gimme somef that.

"harakiri," it just came out somebody else made that happen. e wa my father's hands didn't build this company. nocturnals. r so our next guest is the most my hands didn't build this company. nig, from the movie ng you knm through hard work and a little bit of luck, writer and performer. the chef on "the muppet show." we built this business. heonlays detective holr why are you demonizing us for it? please say hello to joel it's time we had somebo who believes in us. >> jimmy: hoyou dog? kinnaman.ch ♪ wanda sykes. >> jimmy: i have to say, for ssomeone who believes that achievement should be rewarded not punished. has summer been going well f. those who watch "the kling" would probably have no idea u we need somebodywh who believes in america. it was hot today and yesterd ay, is>> am. [ romney ] i'm mitt romney it was hot yesterday and -- i ny i'm half aal and i approve this message. >> jimmy: this is his my father is aca but you are able to do an anh ha you say that? american accent perfectly. me oe helpe a and perrmg the tle to kiss the on ♪ >> black people don't do stue, or die >> yeah, yeah. >>: >> jimmy: it was.nddsli u owthere's somedyob theychl thousands from the outside, i was like, good lord. you know, and there's -- sky ♪ >> jimmytt bpa ♪ the drum fish and, uny see that many black people -- somy- th of ol y >> jimmy: what do u fhi wanted me to get outf the notorious south side of stockholm.of ♪ deflected by the ground ♪ they crown the sun ve ♪ro t s i wao so, i was ing d he was the sun ♪ really am today. i just want to see -- , you're [ laer ]perctage. anhee d,nees >> jimhey? i you know, it's like a 17-hour know, sittonhe plane, i'm

. flight, i get on the flight, you go t you kno pr >> jimmy: maybe 23%?an geofus l your wife is from france, right? there's no people, like, i'm ed from the ways of the wise ♪ jmyght now. looking, there's no people. and then i, finally, look down of town. hell?she' and there are these two ally >> like, right in between elves and hobbits. will vie wnll us when is the ti and one of them, the male heigg ee hey crown the sun >> jimmy: got you. one ey c shrdwhen she goes out of town, [ romney ] i'm mitt romney cowboy hat i've seen. er up to kiss the ones who are born news from applebee's home of the me fresh flavors and menu with have the house, kind of, to -- choices like seasonal bery and : i got carried away. >> yeah. >> he did have a huge mustache. >>immy: i'll askou after the we airport. e ani have to see t ie lemon shrimp fettucine it's a great spot for lunch or dinner. tborne let's go to guillermo. hard because, we both work, so,i his face, i have to see his guillermo? >> okay, let's take a look at .veever met you before. the weather forecast to check on younow, she's working, working.t w,d ot. i mean, - what the weather's going to be, yogr iknow, very ♪ okay? let me show you. there.arts of outhwn d. in california, it's very, very j a getting le th i've ev took off from the bel iming. hot. in texas, it's also very hot trailer park. ere were trailom too. and michigan, it's very, very lw,

hot too. but here comes the good news, if you go to apple bees, the >> you see the bathroom on the and then paris itoo. >> jimmy: premanufactured home. >> that's kind of hoe. forecast tomorrow is fresh with -- weirdest were growing out o. that area, butt' tncev a hundred percent chance of all duy. ioparently they have s delicious. oh, look, here it comes now. anxiety with their old cars so it's tuc better in france. sometimes. th this -- oi ]like, what is th? >> jimmy: , last time, i was there in june, i have arnd my legs.y open the door and mmmm. and that's what's going on here >> mean, each year, next. >> dicky: the new fresh flavors and i felt like, you know, diwas like, th all love you, of summer, with choices like i was like, ah, we don'tleep w spinach salad starting at $9.99. ey l -- and the yme m rsave re see you tomorrow. werink, we celebrate, i'm e, jimmy kimmel live back in two really gnvolve i'm linyou knn's >> jim: yo .agot a ct to minutes with wanda sykes, joel holl maybe they go up to, like, they kina man, and music from serj - jimmydualiz she has the also in hers. you ar, inbesthector. tankian. now like it. t [ male announcer ] here's the part you really care about. aven't even... >> jimmy: you'llave the t >> ywhat but this is getting me i a l hank y the new lemon shrimp fettuccine tastes incredible. ubthis is awful. >> it's one of the new fresh flavors of summer, >> jimmy: you'llave the t >> enckye my t starting at just $9.99 at applebee's. see you tomorrow. change my 11am to 2. >> jimmy: big fans of the

you actually only get the my name is sunshine and i have three beautiful girls. rte anthen youav go g it,e, i like taking advil® for a headache. it nips it in the bud. >> there w a parin and i can be that mommy that i want to be. but it's still a great honor. ♪ [ male announcer ] take action. take advil®. clip of the movie.- of his entire chamships. great rhythm. bt excellent form. super difficulty. audience.yeah. watch this right here. it's a full twist in here. very difficult. c sweden ae has this dream of bect [ crowd gasps ] wow, that is big. big, big, big. and, so he starts to impersonate them, sort of like a talented ut he to fstyle. [ male announcer ] nailed it. and he fls in love with this, "paranorman," from the makers of "coraline." like, hiiety girnow, in theaters august 17th. rated pg. it's a three-way story, robbers, [ female announcer ] weak, damaged hair needs new aveeno nourish+ strengthen. active naturals wheat formulas restore strength cocae dealer, this mafia hitman and the three for up to 90% less breakage in three washes. actuly -- a guy that's a for strong, healthy hair with life, tmiend of mine, we're going to new aveeno nourish+ strengthen. e guys i'm wking f, oingn.

>>york and l.a. on is that your phone bill? sure is. let's see if we can go inside and save you some money on your plan. you ready? sounds great! can you tell them about straight talk? sure. with straight talk at walmart you get unlimited talk, text and data for only $45 a month. budo i g the same coverage? oh yeah. it's on america's best networks. sounds great to me. well we saved you a lot of money, and your girls like their new smart phones. i sent you a friend request. [ both ] we know. [ earl ] save money with straight talk wireless. unlimited talk, text and data for only $45 a month. only at walmart. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- wanda sykes. joel kinnaman. and music from serj tankian.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, places, everybody! here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. thanks. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] my point is, welcome to hollywood. that's very nice. welcome to all of you who are visiting from around the world. i'm glad we n be together on world population day. world population day is today. it was started by the united nations in 1989 to raise awareness of the problems caused by overpopulation, which i, personally, think has a lot to do with people having sex. if everybody would just stop it, we'd be fine, but -- the world population is as big as it's ever been. there are now seven billion

people on the planet. so, when your mom tells you, you are special, it's not really true. [ laughter ] and they say the world population could double over the next 40 years. this is what happens when you get people wet and feed them after midnight. you can't do that. [ laughter ] united nations does have a plan to fix this. starting in 2014, they're going to select one teenager from each continent to fight to the death. winner stays here, losers go to the moon or something. [ laughter ] this is pretty funny. not only is it world population day, i swear this is true, it also happens to be the octomom's birthday. [ laughter ] which, to me, proves that god is a pretty funny dude, you know? [ laughter ] nadya suleman turned 37 today. each of her kids made her a macaroni necklace. i gave -- i sent her the one gift she really wanted for her birthday, a jug full of birth control and a time machine. [ laughter ] you know she's pregnant again,

right? i hope she's not. i don't know. i haven't checked her uterus. as you may have heard, she was supposed to perform at a strip club in west palm beach, florida, but one of the bartenders there said something on the news that upset her, so she cancelled the appearance and got a new gig stripping at a place in hollywood, florida. but the first strip club is suing to preve that from happening. the lounge says they have exclusive rights to the octomom's dance debut. i don't get, why are people fighting over -- is there a stripper shortage we don't know about? [ laughter ] evidently, there's a lot of interest in seeing the octomom take her clothes off. in part, because she's a celebrity, but also because, if a baby comes out during the dance, you get to keep it. [ laughter ] but if it gets tied up in court, she might not get to strip at all, and if you want to throw up in a gentleman's club, you are going to have to do it the old-fashioned way, by eating at the buffet. there is a non-sex related ray

of hope for octomom, though. and that is, she's just recorded her first single. on which she raps, which is always a good idea. [ laughter ] is there anything this woman can do? [ laughter ] we got our hands on a sneak preview of the song, and while i will admit i did not have high expectations, the song, itself, is catchy and her rapping is pretty good. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] >> that's a crazy laugh. that's a crazy laugh. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think we have a new summer jam. [ cheers and applause ] we were up all night working on that. the major league baseball all-star game was played last night. for those of you not familiar with the sport, baseball was our nation pastime before it was

replaced by the kardashians. but they still play the game. melky cabrera was the mvp. he's from the dominican republic. his english isn't great. that did not stop the reporter from asking him a series of untranslated questions. >> tell everybody, who do we have here with you, by the way. who are these lovely ladies? >> i thank my fans, my family, the opportunity to be here. i like it here and, so, try for mvp, so, thank you, the fans. >> w is this? we have mom here -- >> thank you. >> thank you. >> i thank you. i mom, my grandma, my family here and -- i just proud for me mvp. thank you, everybody, the fans. >> do you have a message for the fans of san francisco who seem to enjoy this? >> yeah, the fans, the city and san francisco, everybody, thank

you. the fans. >> jimmy: melky, what are your thoughts on -- [ applause ] by all means, keep asking questions. thank the fans. some bad news today for the news. a new survey from gallup shows that america's confidence in tv news is at an all-time low. i don't get it. which tmz reporter don't they have confidence in? [ laughter ] the guy with the blond hair? only 21% of those polled said they had a good amount of confidence in tv news, which is down from 46% when they first did the survey in 1993. it is interesting. our confidence in news is at an all-time low and yet our confidence in the bachelorette finding love remains as steady as ever. [ laughter ] we live in a very confusing time. [ applause ] but tv news -- don't get excited. not going to work for this one, either, i'll tell you. [ laughter ] i have a sixth, seventh and

eighth sense about this. tv news has changed a lot since 1993. back the we had peter jennings, tom brokaw. now, we have mario lopez and billy bush. gallup said our level of confidence could sink lower because of incidences. cable news channels incorrectly reported the supreme court's health care ruling. cnn, in particular, has been taking most of the flack for that, though fox news made the same mistake. but not only isn't cnn backing down after that embarrassing slip, it seems to be they are doubling down on this. >> in these fast-paced times, you need the facts fast. >> the supreme court justice has struck down the individual mandate. >> not necessarily the right facts. >> facebook and google combine to make goo-face. >> cnn is there first. giant robot centipedes attack new york. or that might be just a cloud. sure other news that work is

also wrong. >> the individual mandate has been ruled unconstitutional. >> but only cnn is wrong first. cnn. wrong. first. [ applause ] >> jimmy: at least they're first. wolf blitzer sounds like a hell's angel anyway, right? robert kraft, the owner of the new england patriots, he is the co-star of a strange video that has been making its rounds on the internet. it's an audition tape made by a woman who is believed to be his girlfriend. >> hi, i'm auditioning for mary elena. >> jimmy: that's her. she's auditioning for a role in the upcoming vince vaughn movie. and she needed someone to help her read lines. and that someone she got to help was billionaire nfl team owner robert kraft.

>> you were really good up there. i didn't mean that in a sexual -- but not that it wasn't erotic. >> i am so embarrassed. >> well, now we're even. because dancing in front of you was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. >> no offense, but i get guys like you in my classes all the time. >> so, you don't even remember, which mes we're not even. only one way to fix that. >> jimmy: they have such chemistry. there's a magnetism there is -- i almost felt like i might get sucked into it. like watching porn without the sex, is what it is. [ laughter ] here's more. this is an angry confrontation, during which mr. kraft reveals that he's a powerful executive at yahoo. >> i'm an exec at yahoo. >> yahoo? what's that? not familiar with that company. >> [ bleep ] you, [ bleep ]. >> kyle! >> jimmy: academy awards all around.

i assume she got the part. [ applause ] maybe he got the part. i hope. wouldn't it be funny if he wound up getting the part instead of her? i kind of -- honestly feel like he was maybe only doing it because he wants to have sex with her, but that's just -- here's some big news. miley cyrus has a new tattoo. but it's not your typical chinese symbol for peace or whatever. it's a quote from a speech teddy roosevelt gave in 1910. for real. finally history is coming alive before our eyes. let's look at the tattoo. it says, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat. she must have been super high on salvia when she got that. [ plause ] that is -- right, i mean -- it's like something you would -- something you would write on your arm to cheat on a test.

and i would like to believe that teddy roosevelt would get the lyrics to "party in the usa" tattooed on his lower back area. to return the favor. mitt romney turn up in an unlikely place today. a t conference in houston. why, i don't know. maybe he confused naacp with nascar, but -- [ laughter ] it got off to a bad start when romney pulled up in ont the entionand t romney isn't very popular amonga voters than mitt romney. he did his best. he did have one strong moment. he hn somethat owd lyeed tonjoy. >> my policy will mbbe, nuer on cjobs f [ applause ] you take a look.nd ae ve lhe hgd

whenhtontoit seems like the act the guy who is trying to shut method man's house party down. mitt wasn't the only candidate delighting audiences on the campaign trail. yesterday, in las vegas, viceresident biden gave a speech to a gathering of latino activists. he was trying to relate to the crowd by telling them about his familyin o small house, but hit itferel way that only joe biden thedeor children, by tay, hang your grandpop ve with you, your great aunt, your uncle. for real. those walls were thin. i wonder how the hell my parents did it, but that's a different story. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a weird thing to wonder. actually -- believe it or not, it's a long-standing tradition for nts tell racy jokes. look at this -- we found this footage of hubert humphrey back in 1965. >> mr. chairman, mr. presi

my fellow americans, i ask you this. what did the sign on the say?weth [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you see what i'm e anng?apay bause ]k. prident. duty of the vice never seems to get him down. he keeps doing it. eaks in public. he's figured out a way to capitalize on it a rse money from their campaign. >> this suer, don't miss your chance to see america's funniest number t joe biden, vp of comedy. se wls we awful i wonder how my parents did it. but that's a different story. >> every laugh. >> as barack says, a three-letter word. jobs. j-o-b-s. jobs. every gaffe. >> god rest your soul and, um --

wait, your mom -- your mom is still alive, your dad passed. god bless her soul. >> the joe biden vp of comedy tour.a big stick. [ laughter ] >> i'm mitt romney, and i approve this message. tapplause ] show, frome kill musiht bk with wanda sykes, so stick around.

[ sr. emt ] a manmergency this tragic calls for the stf no, something . oh, that's helpful! [ ding ]