"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- mindy kaling, carl reiner and music from family of the year. with cleto and the cletones. and now, ready or not -- here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hi there, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.

thank you for -- braving modern temperatures to be here tonight. it was 62 degrees and sunny in l.a. today where most of the country got hit by a coors light commercial. some areas got 3 feet of snow. for some people that meant power outages and cancelled flights and for others new instagram photos. snow has replaced lunch this week. while a lot of people are suffering no one has it worst than our nation's weather reporters. when the weather is at its worst these brave and dumb men and women fly into it. their networks make them go into it, evidently. it is not easy to be a weatherman. i would like to salute those who risk their extremities just so we can see what snow looks like

from the comfort of our homes. >> it's difficult to walk. >> right now we have about 5 inches. >> it's a dense snow. >> it's trench -- treacherous. >> you okay there, john? >> the snow is stinging you in the face. >> the snow is an icy mix. it hurts. >> horizontal stinging snow. the land out to the east that is keeping the wave action down. >> it feels like shards of glass as it hits my face. >> maybe go inside is a good idea. you know, if you're -- if you're in a part of the country that is covered in snow right now the good news is you have a new episode of "the bachelor" tonight. it must be weird watching a girl with no shirt on with snow outside. the bachelor eliminated two

women and is down to four. ashley, lindsay, desiree and katherine. and that is exciting for me. when sean was here at the start of the season i made my pre-season picks for who i thought his final four would be and i got every one of them right. ashley. okay. next, lindsay. next. one who looks to me just like katie holmes, desiree, with two "e"s. and finally i believe this will be your pick, katherine, the graphic designer. yes? that's what it looks like when a bachelor's mind was blown. i got them all right. i have no inside information, either. i guess i just know love when i see it. this is the third time in a row

i predicted the final four. i'm 11 out of 12. i'm impressed with myself and very ashamed of myself. so far this season "the bachelor" in six weeks the word amazing has been uttered 80 times tonight. tonight let's play a guessing game. which do you think happened more? people used the word amazing on "the bachelor" or l.l. cool j licking his lips on the grammys last night. >> on this amazing island. >> amazing things. >> six amazing women. >> he's just amazing. >> it's amazing. >> an amazing day. >> it would be amazing. >> amazing. amazing. amazing. >> absolutely amazing. >> okay. 17. that is a solid number. but will l.l. cool j lick it? >> for that song. music's biggest night. and our show had to change.

>> thank you. >> he's still going. >> incredible. 30 times. >> jimmy: i think he might have been an i wanna in a past life. did you watch the grammys last night? the grammy awards is a night on which we celebrate the albums and songs we download illegally. the black keys won and mumford and sons. i'm happy for mumford but his sons should not with up that late. cbs issued a memo to those coming to the grammys saying

avoid sheer see through clothing to expose breast nipples. that was ignored. they must have had a heart attack when they saw katy perry. and big news out of the vatican. the pope announced he is resigning. he saw the grammys and said what is the point. he doesn't feel like he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. are you happy now, twitter, you broke the pope. do you have to walk into god's office and quit? what will he do for work from now on? he could be the most overqualified wal-mart greeter of all time. the pope will step down on february 28th. which means he gave jesus two weeks' notice and a new pope will be chosen by the end of

march. the winner will be selected by text. >> i wonder if the pope has to train his replacement. this is your pope-mobile. this is your big silly hat. nothing? this is -- there is a fantastic youtube clip with millions of views. the story of an unlikely hero named kai. this is the local fox affiliate in fresno. >> a man claiming he is jesus plows his car into a pg&e worker. the passenger and innocent bystanders come to the rescue. >> he comes down here. i come to realize i'm jesus christ and can do anything i want to. and [ bleep ] he smashed into

this guy right there. >> kai was in the passenger seat of the car when it went down. >> the two women are trying to help them. he runs up and grabs -- a guy that big could snap her neck. smash, smash, smash! yeah. >> jimmy: you can never pick up hitchhikers except for that one. the reporter who found kai wisely posed the entirety of the interview online and that became a viral sensation. >> can i get your name? >> i'm kai. >> can you spell it? >> k-a-i. >> do you have a last name? >> i don't have anything. >> are you from fresno? >> from west virginia. >> no kidding. how old are you? >> i can't call it. >> tonight we're joined by the reporter who conducted this

interview, hello. you are usually -- the sports reporter for this station right? >> eight years of sports anchoring and reporter. i have been on a news beat a couple days a week because we are short a couple people and look what happens. >> jimmy: why were you out there? you are just shorthanded? >> they trusted many you to get the story. >> jimmy: what was going through your head when you were interviewing him? >> to keep him talking. he was spitting out pure gold, as you can tell. and the other was to, you know, get the story. it was a crazy scene. i wanted to keep him talking and gather the facts and stay unharmed really. seriously. you didn't know what was going on in his head. >> jimmy: he said he hit a guy with a hatchet three times. do you retire from journalism? is there is nowhere to go from here. >> i love what i do and hope to keep doing it. >> jimmy: you were kind enough.

you wrangled kai. when we come back from commercial the hatchet man himself, kai will be here. stick around. we have mindy kaling, carl reiner and music from family of the year. you're not going to want to miss this. we'll be right back. [ anouncer ] ihop is in time square to compare new griddle-melts to your usual breakfast sandwich. it doesn't seem like fast food. there's a lot of substance, it just seems really fresh. there's like a lot more flavor. [ anouncer ] ihop is building our best breakfast sandwiches ever. new griddle-melts made fresh and hot. hand crafted just for you. it's like a sexy sandwich. i love this crispy bread... ...the roasted red peppers. it's awesome. [ anouncer ] compare new griddle melts yourself. just $4.99 at ihop. this is an epic breakfast sandwich. [ anouncer ] ihop. everything you love about breakfast.

you want that don't you? but that doesn't happen much anymore. the creative process never stops. and songwriting is so hard, but i love it. these days, i guess i just don't want to miss a thing. [ laughs ] i miss you guys. that's me. and this is my windows phone. [ male announcer ] now get a windows phone 8x by htc for just $99.99 at verizon. i made the clear choice. claritin-d. decongestant products on the shelf can take hours to start working. claritin-d starts to work in just 30 minutes. power through nasal congestion fast. get claritin-d at the pharmacy counter.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. mindy kaling and carl reiner and music from family of the year on the way. i'm in my car right now. before we get to that i'm about to pick up a special hitchhiker.

ladies and gentlemen, please say hi to kai. kai. jump in the car. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not on the car, in the car. >> jimmy kimmel, bud. keep you eye on the road, man. >> jimmy: welcome. how are you? >> excellent. >> jimmy: a lot of people are calling you a hero. you thwarted that crazy guy. did he have a beard? >> no. no, no. he's a -- fat, rich white guy. >> jimmy: obviously, millions of people have seen this video -- >> fit, white people. >> jimmy: you're sitting next to one. you have become famous now from youtube, haven't you?

people are recognizing you? what do people say to you when they see you? >> they say, hey, you're kai. you're that dude with the hatchet. i'm like not any more. they took it from me. i was trying to build this treehouse and a dream catcher out of it and put wood planks on the floor and a hoop tied up to a tree to drape tarps across that and on the inside bed sheets with moss for insulation and a crab shack there on the inside of a [ bleep ] on the inside of a hot water tank heater. >> jimmy: all that with a hatchet? is this a magic hatchet that you wave and contractors appear? >> no i'm just a [ bleep ] -- >> jimmy: you don't like to word

the -- they describe you as homeless hitchhiker. but you don't like the word homeless? >> home free. the land of the free and the home of the brave. >> jimmy: you don't want to have a home, correct? >> i am home. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: anywhere you are is your home is your philosophy? >> yeah. >> jimmy: today -- >> not mine, though. just home. >> jimmy: this afternoon i gave you some money and what did you do with that money? >> the hell of it. >> jimmy: he gave it away immediately to someone on the street. >> the quickest way to devalue currency is to stop believing in it. >> jimmy: i think you did it to be nice. you gave away your backpack with all your belongings in it. >> i feel belonging with people. and you know, like the trees are more people and they are still alive. >> jimmy: is it true you will go into stores and take things and give the things to poor people?

>> i jack [ bleep ] from wal-mart and target. big grocery carts and safeway. walk out with two 30 packs of budweiser like do you want to come party and hook them up with another dude and be like have a great life. >> jimmy: would you consider becoming the pope? there is a position available. >> do i have to look like that first? how about i be luke skywalker. >> jimmy: your philosophy of life is what 1234. >> let's see. i can't really say the it's not necessarily mine as is it an experience. if you speak in greek. >> jimmy: which you might be now. >> you would be burning wood inside your house. >> jimmy: but you have to chop down trees. you can't be in favor of that.

>> if you live in evacuate the trees you know they grow around you. >> jimmy: is that your dream to build a treehouse? >> i can't call it. >> jimmy: you enjoy your life, i assume. >> yeah. you enjoy yours? >> jimmy: yeah, it's all right. it seems like you enjoy yourself. >> the year of the snake, right? >> jimmy: in china. yeah. but we're not there yet. we'll get there eventually. one of the things you said on the video was you wanted to get a wet suit and a mini-mouse surf board, right? >> and a box full of puppies and they can prophesize the ravens are going to win and they can prove the ravens can prophesize and that is why there are two ravens in the tower of london. >> jimmy: that goes without

saying. i don't know if you are going to give this away immediately. but we have something for you. there he goes. the mini-mouse surf board and the wet suit. do with it as you will. if you choose to give it away, then so be it. are you all right, kai? all right. kai, the hitchhiker, everybody. thanks, kai. thanks for not killing me with a hatchet. on the show tonight, carl reiner is here. we'll be right back with mindy kaling. ♪ [ male announcer ] whether it's mom's smartphone... dad's tablet... lauren's smartphone...

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>> jimmy: all right. fun tonight. tonight on the program, one of the all-time great men of comedy. this is his new memoir, called "i remember me." carl reiner is with us. and then with music from this album, "loma vista," family of the year. tomorrow night, jessica alba will be here, chef bobby flay will be with us and we'll have music from ellie goulding. and later this week, james franco, rachel weisz, from "the taste," nigella lawson and music from josh groban and fall out boy. our first guest tonight is the second most famous sitcom mindy ever, after the one who lived with mork.

she's the writer, creator and executive producer of "the mindy project," which you can watch tuesdays at 9:30 on fox. please say hello to mindy kaling. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: good to have you here. >> i'm so excited to be here. i've never done your show before. >> jimmy: we met before and i assumed you had. >> it was getting weird. i was like i like jimmy and love the show and tweet about it and saw you at the emmys. >> jimmy: we did something together for the emmy's. >> i was so excited to be here. >> jimmy: i'm glad to get that out of the way. are you too young to remember

"mork and mindy". >> i'm a little too young. my name comes from that show. i would be worried if that was their favorite show. >> jimmy: if your parents had boy he could have been mork. >> it's possible. >> jimmy: they got your name from the sitcom title? >> they did. they were in africa. i don't want to tell you the long story. but they were in africa and it was one of the only syndicated american shows in 1979 when my mom was pregnant with me. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> i would watch it on youtube. and it's pretty dumb. as a show. like, even as a -- like, you know, as a 13-year-old i'm like this is dumb to me. for an adult. >> jimmy: i thought it was the greatest ing. >> you were young. >> jimmy: you look back and everything you liked seems dumb.

there are nine things that aren't dumb looking back. >> i used to think that "small wonder". >> jimmy: i was old enough to know immediately that was done. >> a robot girl -- it's true. but i don't -- robin williams went on to do other bigger -- >> he's been pretty successful. >> jimmy: you have your own show. you were on "the office" for eight seasons or something like that. >> thank you. it is a great show. >> jimmy: do you like, though, being the center of attention? >> yeah. yeah, a lot. >> jimmy: you like being the boss and in charge of the show? >> i do. we're both in a position where we have our names in the show. we're in a small group. it's awesome to be the boss. it's not like a profound thing but it's the one thing that is different is all the -- i

learned how to be a manager. >> jimmy: you have no training and are in that situation. >> when you're in charge people let your bad ideas go further than they should. no one wants to tell you that idea sucks. >> jimmy: that is true. you have to monitor yourself. >> you need to be like, should my character date a klan member? will people think that is cool or funny? you have to look back on the day and make sure you made a smart decision. >> jimmy: i had an idea for concert pants. i thought that would be a great idea. >> that is a great idea. >> jimmy: then it takes time though because people laugh and you don't know if they are humoring you because you are the host and the boss at the show or whatever. but it's true. you don't get that honest interaction any more. you got that at the office. >> i have this thing because i'm a writer and i act where i have to change in our writers room to

go to set. at "the office" i would change all the time. i'm comfortable with nudity. i'm not a prude or anything. but at "the office" when people saw me in my spanx i was just like a creep. but i could be shooed now at my new job. >> jimmy: you can't do interviews in the nude any more. >> yeah. i can't take my clothes off in front of people because they could sue me for millions of dollars and they would have a leg to stand on. >> jimmy: i don't know. i know tommy lasorda i'm told would send players down to the minors from the toilet. he would call them into the bathroom. >> did he really? that's great. >> jimmy: you should talk to tommy about how to manage people. it's not a bad idea. you have a lot of your friends on the show and a lot of your costars are guest stars are famous people who don't

typically do sitcoms like seth rogan. >> he's in a show coming up in a couple weeks. he plays my friend from jewish summer camp. my parents would only like me go to sleepover camp if it was jewish camp. because they thought that would be safer. he is the one that got away. he is funny and great. >> jimmy: you guys play kid versions of yourself. >> we had to cast kid versions. for seth it's easy to find 12-year-old guys who look like seth does now. but it's difficult to find a chubby indian girls who are 12. >> jimmy: i have always said that. >> right? i urged them to go and act. because there were two of them and they are not really actors. someone grabbed them from the

supermarket or something. and this girl who plays me is literally a model. seth is like, okay? how hot did you think you were when you were 12? >> jimmy: mindy kaling is here, carl reiner is here as well. and family of the year too. be right back. vacation is a precious thing. this year, don't just take time off. put time in. turn spending time with your family into spending time as a family. at the one place where every heart-pounding, jaw-dropping, goose-bumping second counts. it's your vacation. don't just take it. mean it. universal orlando. vacation like you mean it.

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>> jimmy: i'm back with mindy kaling the star of "the mindy project" which is a funny show. your friend b.j. novak is on the show from time to time. >> from time to time. >> jimmy: on the show he has a friend who is not his girlfriend but is a friend but seems like a girlfriend. is that based on your relationship with him? >> a little bit. we are best friends. it is weird to a lot of people and seems weird to us a lot of times. we wrote a show about our friendship getting in the way of being able to date other people. >> jimmy: there is no effect on it after dating? >> it's really weird.

even we think it's weird. but you know you're friends with who you are friends with. >> jimmy: but you have a show that you can translate that into something practical. >> make money off it. >> jimmy: do you have a plan for valentine's day. ? >> i don't. >> jimmy: will you shake each other's hands? >> no. it stresses me out. i'm glad to not have plans. >> jimmy: i go to dinner by myself. i leave my fiance at the house. she has her shows to catch up on. it's a nice arrangement for both of us. >> i feel like guys say that all the time. what are her shows? >> jimmy: "project runway". >> what is your level of interest one to ten? >> it's like eight but i claim it's like two. i walked in the house the other

day and it was on. and i said oh, no it's back. but the guy with the orange head is gone from the show. he looked like a basketball with a mouth. he is gone from the show. a lot of the show is why is this guy so orange. >> and molly is like stop saying that. >> jimmy: he's gone. that cleared up a lot of the problems. >> a lot of reality shows? >> jimmy: not all. your show is one of them. "the office" is one of them. "modern family" is one. we watch way too much television. do you watch a lot? >> i watch a lot of television. when you watch something you do you pick it apart. so for me it's "walking dead" i don't understand that. i can just marvel at it. "sons of anarchy" dudes on bikes. and i think that is kind of

sexy. >> jimmy: dudes on bikes? same here. >> and people killing zombies. if you can kill a zombie i would date you. that seems like a hard thing to do. >> jimmy: that would be a great eharmony profile for you. i hear it works. we've got a couple here that met there. it's great to see you. thanks for coming. mindy kaling everybody. right back with carl reiner. [ sniffs ]

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we're back. still to come music from family of the year. our next guest is an amazing and funny man. he created "the dick van dyke show." he directed "the jerk." he fathered a meathead and swam in "ocean's 11," "12" and "13." he has done as much or more as anyone ever, and has a new book detailing much of that. this is the book, called "i remember me." please welcome carl reiner. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i think i'm fine.

>> jimmy: it's great to see you. really is. a pleasure to have you here. >> may i compliment you to within an inch of your life. mel brooks and i are watching when you had mr. matt damon, one of the worst human beings ever. >> jimmy: thank you. >> i did three pictures with him. he's got a fake family he brings around with him. >> jimmy: such a phony. >> and when you had him tied up there. couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. but i said this and tweeted it that night i said i have been watching late night going before jack parr, way before carson and i said in the tweet, i said, this is the funniest hour i've ever seen. >> jimmy: wow. thank you. that is very nice. >> i meant it. and mel brooks was with me. and we were laughing hysterically.

>> jimmy: the idea that you and mel brooks is watching my show could petrify me and turn me to stone. it's mind boggling to me. >> and the other thing that to this day is the single funniest thing i have ever seen -- i have emceed a hundred thousand shows. when he says the emmy's and you introduce your mother and you remembered your mother made you carry a pencil box -- >> jimmy: a briefcase. >> and the kids made fun of you, that wasn't so nice. and you said i don't want you here. and you kicked your mother and father out. and they looked askance. they looked askance. but it was so funny. you said, ushers, get them out of here. and the ushers came. did they know you were going to do that? >> jimmy: they didn't know. they should have known. >> you made up with them, didn't

you? >> jimmy: everything was fine at the after party. that is kind of you to say. and i am such a fan of yours. i told you when you were on the show last time. this book is great. the detail with which you remember these stories is -- it's incredible. i can't remember what i had for lunch yesterday. >> you'd be surprised. if you sat down. you have the best mouth i've ever seen. i feel like i'm in prison. it never -- it's never at a loss for good, funny words. they come out of you. this book happens -- every time i walked around -- the reason i say i remember me. i walked around the block every day and it never did not happen i would get to the third corner and i would say that story about. and i wrote as i remembered them. you have that within you. you're going to -- you're going to write a better memoir than

this. >> jimmy: i don't think so. >> the guy who throws his mother and father out of a theater. >> jimmy: this book, you talk about some -- mel brooks who is your -- maybe your closest or dearest friend. >> he comes over every night of the week after or for dinner and we sit and watch -- we love them -- we do love matt damon. not him but when he plays borne he hides the ugliness. >> jimmy: he does. >> but we will watch any movie that has the lines "secure the perimeter. lock all doors" and the third line, if the third line is "get some rest" we know we're in a good movie. >> jimmy: you talk about jack benny. there is a story about jack benny in this book. >> that's one of my favorite

stories. does everybody remember jack benny. >> jimmy: tell them just in case. >> for those who mind not remember, jack benny played a miser on television. >> jimmy: was he really that cheap? >> he was the most giving man in the world. that was a character he played. i was working doing the show at the time. and i come into the commissary and jack benny is sitting at a table and so happy to see me. and he knew me from "the show of show's" he used to send nice notes. he had a story that just happened to him. he couldn't wait to tell me. this is the story he told me. he says i'm coming to the burbank airport he says and i had to go to the bathroom and i told the toilet can i use -- it's a very uncomfortable bathroom. he said i'm going to land in two minutes. use the burbank airport

bathroom. i ran out of the plane and got in the bathroom and i look and it's a pay toilet. it's a dime to get in. i reached in my pocket. i have a quarter, a nickel and three pennies. so i lay down and i slipped under the door. he said i did what i had to do and so relieved i just made it. and now i pull my pants up and get ready and there is no way to get on the floor to get out. i couldn't get out. so i said i'll climb over the top. and he says he's getting out of the -- got one foot over the door and three people come into the toilet and see him up there and they say mr. benny, it's only a dime. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you have -- is this everything? or do you have another book in

you? >> there's another book in me. when i finished this book i got an idea for another book. the other book is called "this here book" and it's written by cark reiner. more often than not i hit the wrong key. i change it. and i said i'll leave the cark reiner and write a story about a younger guy that has romantic adventures. and i can live through cark reiner. i started writing this thing and looked for a title and the time is "this here book" it's the first three words of the title that is 170 words title. it's the longest title in the history of literature. and i -- this guy cark is saying to himself that is unusual given

the guinness book of records. but if i write the shortest book ever it will be a seven page herb, no a three pager is more impressive. a three-page book 140 word title. by the way in that book he's writing -- i love the fact he is writing this book and he says i could finish it -- i can order a pizza and write half before the "jimmy kimmel show" and finish -- >> longest title and shortest book. >> and by the way it will be given free. whoever buys this book. >> jimmy: all right. >> two books gets a free book but they have to put a penny in a jar for charity. and the millions of pennies i get -- >> jimmy: nice. this is a fantastic book. it's called "i remember me" is

it out now. the great carl reiner, everybody. thank you. be right back with family of the year. everybody is talking about jennifer lawrence and tonight she speaks for

>> jimmy: their new album is called "loma vista." here with the song, "hero," family of the year! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ let me go i don't wanna be your hero ♪ ♪ i don't wanna be your big man i just wanna fight with everyone else ♪ ♪ your masquerade i don't wanna be a part of your parade ♪ ♪ everyone deserves a chance to walk with everyone else ♪ ♪ while holding down a job to keep my girl around ♪

♪ maybe buy me some new strings and her a night out on the weekend ♪ ♪ and we can whisper things secrets from our american dreams ♪ ♪ baby needs some protection but i'm a kid like everyone else ♪ ♪ so let me go i don't wanna be your hero ♪ ♪ i don't wanna be your big man i just wanna fight like everyone else ♪ ♪