>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, kelly ripa, michael strahan, andy am berg and 2-year-old basketball prodigy titus. >> jimmy: here we go. >> dicky: plus, jimmy visitsed barber shop. a performance by internet sensation and exclusive preview of "game of thrones." and now, once again, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: that's very nice. thank you all. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. for a lot of people, the end of a three-day weekend. it's president's day today. today, mitt romney spent the day quietly staring out of one of 1,200 windows in his home. a tear streaming down his eye. hey, here's a -- here's a fun presidential fact. did you know our 12th president, zachary taylor, was a cast member on the show "home improvement." think about it, it's kind of true. president obama celebrated by playing golf with tiger woods. obama took a three-day golf vacation to florida, and the first lady took the daughters to colorado to ski. you know you have a good marriage when you say, sure, honey, go have a guys' weekend with tiger woods.

stop by the hooters and have some wings. [ cheers and applause ] i tell you one thing -- bill clinton wouldn't have gotten that at all. valentine's day was last week and we commemorated that by issuing a popular youtube challenge, i asked viewers to give their wife or girlfriend something she would hate as a gift, videotape her opening the gift and upload it to youtube with the title, "hey jimmy kimmel i gave my girlfriend a terrible thing for valentine's day." we got some disturbing submissions, i'll let you be the judge of which are which. enjoy. >> this is the box. that i bought her wedding ring in. my wife hates lizards. i splurged. >> you really got me something from tiffany's? >> hold the box up. >> i think, did you really? >> ah! >> i would like you to have this. happy valentine's day.

>> i can't think of what you are talking about. >> oh, my god! >> happy valentine's. >> that's terrible. >> hey, jimmy, i made a ring out of a kidney stone that i passed. >> kidney stone. oh. oh. ew. that better not be my promise ring you stuck that on. is it? >> maybe. >> honey. >> you don't like your picture of matt damon? >> no. >> thanks, matt damon, you ruined valentine's day. >> ew, gross. >> chicken feet. >> okay. >> i thought you needed some. >> you [ bleep ].

>> ah! [ laughter ] you told me you weren't going to get me anything. >> i know. open it. [ bleep ] is that a real snake? you're a jerk. >> honey. you don't like it? honey, you don't like it? honey, you don't like it? honey, you don't like it? we can make a belt out of it. ♪ >> jimmy: you should never marry a guy -- some very important kardashian news to report. there are rumors going around that kim kardashian might leave her show, "keeping up with the kardashians" after the upcoming eighth and ninth seasons and there are also rumors that bruce jenner's face might fall off. these rumors stemmed from an interview she just did. she said her boyfriend kanye

west has taught her a lot about privacy. she said that to a writer who was printing it in a magazine. she said i'm realizing that everyone doesn't need to know everything. well, it might be too late for that realization. [ laughter ] then she said, and make sure to check out pictures of my hot new fetus. in this week's ultrasound issue of "us weekly." if she does leave the kardashian show, it would create a vacuum for the e network. everything they worked so hard for could disappear. they're a resourceful bunch there. they are testing something if the unthinkable happens and kim goes away. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i like it better.

>> jimmy: apparent lly goats sod like humans when they bleat. somebody cut a bunch together. if you didn't see the video you would think you would hear the sound of neighbors being murdered. listen to this. [ goats bleating ] >> yeah, boy! >> jimmy: that was a little goat. >> it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc, where we bleep whether they need it or not.

>> to tell all to the anti-doping agency but today he said [ bleep ] it. >> we'll save you money in your blp bp brain. >> if i manage to not [ bleep ] this is up royally -- >> your mother [ bleep ]. >> it's not cool for mothers to [ bleep ] their kids. >> i love my [ bleep ] so much. >> you see hau thorne shut down doesn't mean to a lot of people unless you're [ bleep ] jimmy kimmel. you have a kfrpgs with a dad about marrying his daughter when you're [ bleep ] three our women. >> [ bleep ] love triangle. >> meantime, let the [ bleep ] -- >> i know a thing or two about good boys. why don't you try sticking your [ bleep ] in these holes. >> you are going to come to my house and [ bleep ] my kids and we'll see how we do.

>> see you next time. bye for now. >> jimmy: up next, jimmy challenges a 2-year-old. still ahead, kelly ripa and michael strahan. ♪ [ male announcer ] to hold a patent that has changed the modern world... would define you as an innovator. to hold more than one patent of this caliber... would define you as a true leader. ♪ to hold over 80,000... well that would make you... the creators of the 2013 mercedes-benz e-class... quite possibly the most advanced luxury sedan ever. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. an amazing new taste to share. ♪ dollar menu.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a few weeks ago a dad named joseph made a video of his 2-year-old making basketball trick shots, it became a viral sensation, almost 9 million views but they got cocky they went on "today" and shot like a 2-year-old. so, that night on the show, i

pointed that out and the next day titus' dad responded with this. . >> hello, jimmy kimmel. quick shot titus' dad. caught your show the other day. saw that you said titus, quote, stinks without editing. now i could point out that we had just flown halfway across the country the day before, we woke up at 4:00 a.m. or in a place that he had never been before. but i won't bring that up. titus wouldn't want that. or at least i think that's not what he would want. he doesn't talk. hard to know for sure. but what i think he would want is to challenge, you, jimmy and one more thing, titus, can you say, jimmy. >> jimmy. >> you are -- >> you are -- >> going -- >> going -- >> down. >> down. >> jimmy: wow. we'll see about that. i accepted the challenge. joining us all of the way from kansas, the ashby family.

we have isabel, joseph, titus, kristen and lincoln, they're all here. so, when did titus get interested in basketball? >> when he was real little -- >> little? we would watch nba games on the laptop, as soon as he was able to carter ball and walk, he put it in the basket. >> jimmy: preschool or directly to the nba? >> age limits. >> jimmy: are you disappointed with the video kids? they're not viral video sensations. >> our 4-year-old said why didn't you make a trick shot individual offme when i was a baby. >> jimmy: we didn't have that kind of things back then in those days. when you grew up. okay. everyone's here. we have the whole family. are you ready do this? >> titus are you ready? >> a light. >> jimmy: he's taunting me.

look at him. come on over, let's do it. let's go. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at this. look at this. all right. now we've got two basketball hoops. we've got my cousin sal who is not a referee but he is dressed like one. and my hoop is my height. about my height. it looks a little bit short, actually. and titus's hoop is his puny height, whatever that is. he will be shooting from six feet away. i will be shooting from twice that distance. help me with the math? >> nine, ten, something like that. >> jimmy: we will each shoot for 45 seconds. whoever makes the most baskets wins. are you all right with the rules? >> i'm all right with them. >> jimmy: titus, are you all right with the rules? do you want to play? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you think you're going to win? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you do. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's kind of not fair

that titus has his dad helping him. dad, you should come and help me. my father is here. so dad, you come help me also. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how do you want to do this? all right, great. you can yell at me just like in little league. >> all right. >> jimmy: you guys want to go first? do you want me to go first? what do you want to do? >> go ahead. it's your show. >> jimmy: i'll go first. 45 seconds on the clock. guillermo, what role are you playing in this event? >> guillermo: whoever wins, i will give a prize. >> 45 seconds. are you ready? shoot the ball. >> jimmy: oh, boy. all right. one hit me right in the balls. all right. how much time do i have left?

>> 20 seconds. all right. thank you. i'm going to need more balls. oh, titus. >> five, four, three, two, one! [ buzzer sounds ] >> jimmy: what did i get? all right, six. it's up to you, titus. i'm going to hit sal in the head with one of these balls during this thing. my testicles took a real beating, i'm going to be honest. very funny. i'm in a lot of pain right now. [ laughter ] you sit there and let him do that to me? >> this is a normal night. >> jimmy: the number to beat is six. titus has what? 15 seconds to do it?

>> 45 seconds. >> ready? >> jimmy: tell us when you're ready to start. >> ready? >> go, titus. [ cheers and applause ] >> keep going. [ buzzer sounds ]

>> jimmy: nice job, buddy. you did really good. look at this. congratulations! he was the better man. he is not even a man and he is a better man. for your sharp shooting efforts, titus, we have a gift for you. something very special. season one of basketball wives on dvd and we're sending the whole family on a two-day park hopper trip to disneyland. do you like disneyland? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good job, titus. >> dicky: up next, michael strahan and kelly ripa. >> people used to be afraid of me. now. you're ruining all my toughness. >> did you get that? did anybody record that? >> dicky: exclusive sneak peek at "game of thrones," and later -- jimmy visits the is bershop.ink being fast

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on sunday, our 8th annual ""jimmy kimmel live" after the oscars show" airs on west coast on primetime at 10:00 p.m., our guests, jamie foxx, channing tatum and unveil our new celebrity-packed sequel to big hit individual why last year, it was "movie the movie" now this is "movie the movie

2-v 2-vie" almost a ridiculous lineup of stars. our first guest tonight has blazed an unusual career path from knocking people unconscious on the football field to waking them up on tv. he's the gregarious and gigantic co-host of live with kelly michael, watch their live annual after the oscars show with special guest, me. please welcome michael strahan. >> jimmy: you just flew in from disney world right? >> flew in from disney. shooting at disney. it has been great. >> jimmy: you and your fiancee have like 37 kids between you. >> nine. >> jimmy: how many of them were at the park with you there? >> six. >> jimmy: at disney world. oh, boy. >> like you are a tour director. come on. don't get lost.

it, it wears you out. and my little ones they're 8 years old, i took them to new fantasyland. i am cool on everything, go upside down. all that. i can't do that teacup spin. >> jimmy: me neither. >> they made me sick. "daddy, this is fun." not so fun when i am throwing up. >> jimmy: that's why they're shaped like cups. a terrible ride. really is. a medieval torture device. >> a horrible ride. after five days i was worn out. >> jimmy: i bet. >> tired. >> jimmy: bring six kids to disney. you are happy if you come back with four of them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: right. >> we tried to lose a few. didn't work that way. >> jimmy: kelly sent this picture of you and her together at disney world. i don't know if you've seen that. see, the gap in there, you know what i am saying. now you haven't been here since, i have been on your show. >> you came on the show.

>> jimmy: since you got the job. they made you audition for a long time, didn't they? >> months. basically nine months. >> jimmy: they brought in every man in america to audition for the role. were you sitting at home watching and evaluating the other guys? >> of course. there were 59 people. 59 people. i must admit i sat at home and i hated on people. oh, the crowd laughing. he ain't that funny. i don't see why they're laughing. >> jimmy: of the 59, how many did you hate? >> all, all 58. every one of them. >> jimmy: which was the worst in your opinion, who was the worst? >> can't say that. >> do you have somebody in mind? >> i have somebody in mind. i know exactly who was the worst. >> jimmy: save that for your big special monday morning. >> for sweeps. >> jimmy: things are going well with kelly. >> great with kelly. kelly its a sweetheart. >> jimmy: they make you dress up in nonsensical costumes, especially halloween?

>> yeah, we do all kind of crazy things. when i got the job i knew they did a big halloween show. i didn't know to what extent. they came to my dressing room. and they said, michael, the halloween show is coming up. i'm excited, that is great. they said, we need to find out what size bra you wear. i'm like, people used to be afraid of me. now -- you are ruining all of my toughness. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are right. just out of curiosity what size bra do you wear? >> a big one. i don't know. it was big. i had to dress up as oprah. i was serena williams. and i have had to pad my butt for serena. a big butt. then i, was either, i was also madea, from tyler perry. hello there, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: i feel like they have been waiting for so many years with regis and kelly there.

they were like, finally we can have black characters on the show. let's make michael every black woman in america. >> yes. and speaking of which, when i got back in the dressing room. you are very good at giving gifts. when i got the job you sent me a nice basket from zabar's and a note saying congratulations. you have very tiny shoes to fill, which was funny. and then, speaking, speaking of the -- i laughed like you did when i read it. but speaking of black characters on our show, when i got here there was watermelon in my dressing room. yeah, watermelon. i know it is not even watermelon season. so -- is jimmy trying to tell me something? then i finished it all. i mean -- thank you for the watermelon, man. i know you went out of your way to get it. >> jimmy: now i am praying our next guest, miles, got watermelon too. because --

>> i will look in his room when i get out of here. >> jimmy: you brought some company? >> we have a contest called girls night out and give women an opportunity to write a letter and tell us why they should have a girls night out with me. these are navy wives and their husbands about to be stationed elsewhere. a last hur ra. >> jimmy: leave their husbands before -- >> they're with me now. >> jimmy: backstage. tending to be -- hi, ladies. are you having fun? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: what do you have in store tonight?

what's the plan? >> we're taking them out to a very swanky restaurant and they are we're going on a good old-fashioned bar crawl through los angeles. >> jimmy: how many bars are you planning to go to? >> i don't know. however many gelman is willing to pay for. it should be a short and early night. >> jimmy: do you think you can keep up with them? >> i think so. i'm a little concerned. when we surprised them, we e-mailed them and said, get on your computer. we're going to facetime. you're one of the finalists. then we surprised them and told them they had won. they were already drinking mimosas. just as they announced they were in the finals they broke out the bubbly. >> jimmy: and you do your show in the morning, too. worth pointing out. you've got a big oscar show monday morning. >> following your big oscar show sunday night. >> jimmy: it's going to be exhausting, as a matter of fact. >> you are a guest on my oscars show. >> what time do i have to be there? >> i think at like 2:30 in the morning. not really far from that. >> most obscene time ever. >> jimmy: will you be able to get any guests besides me at that hour? >> i doubt it. that's why we're counting on you to show up. >> jimmy: i'll be there.

one thing i am is reliable. but i might not look so good. >> i mean, i don't think i'm going to look so good. >> jimmy: are you going to be at the oscars themselves? >> i'm going to be backstage at the oscars which for me is a much better position than my co-host, michael strahan, who you had here last night. he's going to be on the red carpet. it's terrifying. people are at the most nervous, most exhausted. they've just been asked the same question 80 zillion times. >> jimmy: and you have to recognize them instantly. if you don't, it's terrible. >> exactly. it's terrible. and we don't have the earpiece where people are telling you who people are. >> jimmy: you should get that. they're like $80. >> dwent have that kind of technology. >> jimmy: you can use ours. >> can we borrow yours? i'm backstage. after they win i'm the first person they see.

people would reveal things like to me like i was born with both. i'm like, oh, my god! i was like, whoa! did you get that? did anybody record that? >> jimmy: that's the best place to be. >> it was incredible. we had shut down. we had broken down. we thought we were done. suddenly everybody starts scrambling. i see the cameramen are scrambling. they're putting like batteries in the camera. are these things still battery operated? >> jimmy: yes. everything runs on batteries. >> they're like tom cruise is coming back to talk to you. i become so nervous that he's walking toward me. i take microphone and i don't realize that it is not plugged into the camera. and i literally almost slice his face in half with the wire from the microphone as i whip it and it goes over my head. i'm like, we're a professional operation. >> jimmy: do you know what would happen if you sliced his face in half? he would have put them back together, he would have continued no problem.

probably would have done it again. he's an america hero. >> he's an american hero and an elegant gentleman. >> jimmy: i will see you bright and early in the middle of the night on monday morning. >> i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: my pleasure to be there. >> will you ever forgive me for waking you up? >> dicky: yimy talks oscars at the barbershop. >> none of you saw that? >> you know we're not going to see no movie called "the master." >> dicky: andy sam berg. >> jimmy: game of thrones return this is march on hbo. i love the show and very excited tonight have to the exclusive world premiere of the trailer for the new season of "g.o.t." >> jits been a long time my old friends. ♪

>> show them how it feels. >> biggest that the north has ever seen! >> everyone is mine to torment. >> there is a beast in every man. it stirs when you put a sword in his hand. ♪ >> the revenge you want will be yours in time. ♪ ♪ ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: as you are undoubtedly aware, the oscars are airing live this sunday on abc. the ceremony takes place right across the street from us. i know this sounds like a cliche but it is an honor just to be located across the street from them. it really is. there's an interesting contest going on in the best actress category. both the youngest and oldest actresses are competing. the sfar s star of "beasts ofe southern wild" is only 9, which makes your kids' performance as tree number two in the school play seem a little less impressive. right? emmanuelle riva who is nominated is 85 years old. she said if she doesn't win, she's threatening to die during the broadcast.

which will ruin the in memoriam montage. there are very few african-americans nominated for the awards. it is a very caucasian affair this year. why, i'm not sure. i visited my friends down the street at legends barbershop to get their thoughts on the oscars. hey, everybody, what's happening? good to see you. >> how is everything? >> good, good. >> have you been celebrating black history month? >> yeah, all month. >> all month. >> i want to ask some questions about the oscars and the academy awards. just to get your thoughts on it. how many black oscar nominees are there, do you know? >> we got denzel. >> we got denzel. >> now the 9-year-old. what's her name? >> quivery? wallace. she's 9, you know.

>> "django unchained." anyone dislike it? spike lee said he didn't like it. >> he didn't make it. >> he was mad he didn't think of that movie. >> i was mad, every year we look for the big blockbuster movies around christmastime. and we normally have a will smith movie or something like that. and we had slaves and orphans. >> what you're really looking for is a black buster movie. >> that's what we want. the funny thing about django in the theaters, the black people are already laughing. everybody else was kind of waiting like, is it okay yes? >> you're like wait until like the third or fourth n word. we'll sneak a giggle and see how that goes over. >> there is a stereotype about black people that yell at the screen in the movie. i'll be honest, i've never experienced that. i've never seen that happen.

>> anything with magic johnson in it you'll get it. >> go to like the magic johnson walmart. they'll scream at you over your stuff. >> what's the number one most yelled at the screen movie of all time? >> "boyz in the hood." >> ricky! [ yelling ] >> go sideways, son, go sideways! >> you want him to live. >> you see ice cube, sorry about your brother, man. he's like, what the hell are you talking about? >> did everyone see "lincoln?" >> yeah. why couldn't they find an american actor to play him? >> i don't understand why they made such a big deal about the vampires and stuff. >> no, no. >> a different movie. >> the wrong lincoln movie. >> that was the best movie of the year! >> who was the greatest african-american actor of all time? man or woman? >> samuel l. jackson. >> who do you think is the greatest actor? >> barack obama. >> actor?

>> barack obama. >> why do you say that? >> anybody that can be that nice, impossible. >> you're not buying it? >> i'm not buying it. last month of his last term he's going to start slapping people. just slapping people all over the place. [ laughter ] >> -- play the president -- >> not until morgan freeman dies. >> just go through some of the nominees. i'll show you a picture and you give me your thoughts on first of all, this guy right here. "silver linings playbook." >> that is not ben affleck. >> that is not ben affleck. >> bradley cooper. >> "hangover" guy, right? >> yeah, he did good. >> here's another one. >> ben affleck. >> there you go! >> this is a movie -- >> that guy is funny.

>> that guy is funny. >> seymour somebody. >> do you know what his movie was this year? >> "the master mind" or something? >> "the master." >> none of you saw that? >> you know we ain't going to see no movie called "the master." >> we want django. >> thank you, guys. i really appreciate that. i appreciate getting the perspective that i don't have. because i don't know if you guys know this, but i'm white. >> you're white? >> you have a lot of black friends. >> thank you very much. >> that's right. >> it shows. >> well, thank you, black friends. >> not a problem. [ laughter ] >> not a problem. >> take care. >> wait, wait, wait. where is he going? he ain't paid yet. >> he never pays, dude. that's how they stay rich. >> he got to get paid now. >> he is white! [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please welcome andy s samberg. >> you're working on a holiday,

i think is impressive. >> it's my pleasure, it's president's day, absolutely. >> a big one for me. a lot of people don't know this about me. i actually am a little of a presidential historian. >> jimmy: are you really? one of the guys who learns that stuff. >> i don't know, call me a nerd. but i like that stuff. like, i will just rattle off a few if you don't mind. abraham lincoln, lot of people don't know this, wore a top hat. >> jimmy: i actually did know that. >> you knew that. okay. lincoln also had, had a voice that sounded almost identical to daniel day-lewis. yeah, if somebody was gently squeezing his balls. let's see, also -- >> jimmy: gently you say? >> yeah. not the chipmunks. like an oscar-caliber performance. who else? president garfield. we all know him. hated mondays.

loved lasagna, loved lasagna. and grover cleveland, a lot of people don't know this. he was actually, very, very hairy. >> jimmy: he was? >> yeah, i actually have a picture of him. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, grover cleveland. that's him? >> yeah. >> jimmy: well that is -- now you -- you must have went to a public school is what i am guessing? did you do anything special for valentine's day? >> i did. went out to a nice fancy dinner with my lady. >> jimmy: traditional. >> very traditional. yeah, thanks guys. just the concept of lady. they're the best. smell good. and, yeah, it was fun. it was nice. i will say, at our dinner, i noticed a new phenomenon, i never noticed before, there was

a bar area in the restaurant. and two buddies hanging out having a drink on valentine's day. it occurred to me, that you can't really do that. >> jimmy: why not? >> you can, but you are opening questions, basically. i don't think there is anyone in the restaurant that didn't think they were there together. like, you call him up. hey, man, want to grab a beer? it's like, well, yeah, is it a date? or -- >> jimmy: they were there having a meal together? >> just cracking a couple brewskies. >> jimmy: okay. >> i feel look i would be able to do that. at the end of the night i would be expecting to get some action. >> jimmy: sure. >> it's valentine's day. >> dicky: up next, tummy talk.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight our first installment of "can they do it live?" and to answer that question -- all the way from salt lake city utah, please welcome the men of tummy talk. here they are.

hey, guys. how are you doing? welcome. welcome. thank you for coming all the way out here. how are you? thanks. i enjoyed the video. your names? >> my name is matt. >> tyrone. >> neil. >> hona. >> i understood your names. your names i will need some spelling help with, yes. yes. now you guys are friends, is that how it came together? >> yep, we have been friends for 20 years basically. >> jimmy: your video has 3.5 million views on youtube. whose idea was this? >> actually the producer of the video. mike. >> jimmy: it's mike's. mike is here in the audience right now. >> how you doing, jimmy? >> jimmy: i heard you work for the utah jazz. >> i run the jumbotron. >> jimmy: something you thought of, an event at halftime. >> i was just in the shower slapping myself, i said it sound so much, it would sound so much better if i just had more girth and skill. >> is that your wife? >> my girlfriend. >> jimmy: girlfriend.

did your wife know about this? >> we try to keep it quiet. >> jimmy: mike is slapping himself in the shower and thinks of you guys. what i was wondering is how many times did it take for you to get it right? >> about five. >> jimmy: five times. okay, you made the video in august. didn't post it until -- when? >> january. >> jimmy: what took so long, why did it take three months to put it up? >> a little editing. our producer wanted to get a website up and going. >> jimmy: how did you get involved being the slappee for this? >> he invited me to come and film one time, one day. i ended up being there. >> jimmy: needed a big guy, right? >> i didn't really tell him what we were going to do. >> jimmy: all right. are you feeling ready, confident you can nail this on the first try? >> yep. >> jimmy: ready to do it? >> yep. >> jimmyre