tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
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"jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- dr. mehmet oz. from "bones" emily deschanel. and it's mash-up monday with music from of monsters and men at work. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: thank you. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm your host. thank you for watching. thank you for
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well, i'm glad you're in a good mood. i'd like to begin with our national past time, baseball. i think texting might be the new national past time. i'll start with baseball anyway. the home of the cubs, one of the great stadiums. they have a tradition at wrigley field. at home cubs game, someone, usually famous, leads the crowd in take me out to the ball game. you're expected to be better than warren g was, even though it's not high pressure. ♪ take me to the ball game ♪ take me out with the crowd ♪ buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks ♪ mr. speak [ applause ]
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is the first time he's heard take me out of the ball game. speaking of games, how many of you watched game of thrones last night? it was a good one. if you didn't see it, plug your ears. when i'm finished, i'll give you the sign to unplug them or more likely i'll forget to give you the sign and you'll have your ears plugged. plug your ears if you haven't heard and you don't want to. last night the red woman gave john snow maybe the best haircut ever. john snow is dead. she brought him back to life which means, by the way, every cast member we've had in this show over the last ten months, including john snow lied to my face about this. also john snow being dead was the only plot point on the show i understood. now i'm completely lost again. for those who watch game of thrones, the resurrection of john snow was a big deal. it
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thrones" community. now other shows are following suit. >> it's been a year since we said good-bye. but a new face in the hospital is about to change everything. ♪ >> mcdreamy is back. grey's anatomy only on abc. >> jimmy: that's good news. in politics j donald trump is leading cruz in indiana by 15 points according to polls. this is a state cruz needs to win to stay in the race, and so far the people of indiana have welcomed him very warmly. >> i'm running to be everyone's president. those who vote for me and don't. >> we don't want you. >> i will respect it. >> do the math. you ask kasich to drop out. it's your turn. take your own rd
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>> when donald doesn't get to 1237 -- >> he's going to get to 1237. he's going to get more than 1237. >> let me ask you something. what do you like about donald? >> everything. >> give me anything. >> the wall. that's the main thing. immigration. >> ted's building a wall. >> hold on a second. do you know on the wall that donald told "the new york times" editorial he'll build a wall and he's not going to deport anyone -- >> once again, lying ted. >> that was a good interaction. it was a good lesson in there. never get in a fight with a guy with wrap around sunglasses. ted cruz is determined. he said it's not over by a long shot, even though it is. >> the new york power brokers want this race to be over. the washington lobbyists want this
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>> jimmy: everyone wants this race to be over. probably even you, and this is fantastic. this is what happened to ted's running mate, carly fiorina, when she introduced him yesterday. keep your eye on carly here. >> the next president of the united states, ted cruz. ♪ >> jimmy: heidi cruz is waving. no one notices she's still down there. no one bends down to help. there she is. maybe that will be a metaphor for their campaign, like whack a mole. uber is, the car pickup service, they're going to start charging passengers a fee if you show up more than two minutes after the car shows up to get you. apparently this happens a lot. the drivers have to wait for the people to come downstairs and during that time they
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paid. that annoys them. it used to be told we were told to be to the get in a car with a stranger, now it's get in a car with a stranger within two minutes or else. it makes sense. i'm fine with being charged, but then when it says he's two minutes away and i watch him on the little map driving in circles for 28 minutes, i want to be compensated for that time. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the uber is service about this. you have two minutes to get in that car or else. >> at uber we've been taking your abuse for years. you're rude. you leave dpar badge in our cars, and you puke on our seats. >> come on. >> well, guess what? we can be jerks too. from now on when the driver arriv arrives, our clock starts ticking. >> he can wait. >> if you're two minutes late, we'll charge you.
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we'll throw a brick through your window. and if you're four minutes late, we'll ram a car into your [ bleep ]ing house. it's time to realize the world doesn't revolving around you. >> you got any of those little waters? >> no. dude, dude. >> screw uber. if you don't like it, walk. >> jimmy: oh well. i don't know if you heard this, but warner brothers made a big announcement today. they're making a sequel to "space jam". this time starring lebron james. in this one lebron james travels back in time to try to stop steph curry's parents from conceiving. tonight a good show. the return of mashup monday. this is where we combine two bands to
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pun. tonight monsters and men and collin hay of men at work. it sounds great. it sounded great at rehearsal. i wasn't sure if this one was going to work out. i asked if he'd do it. he smiled and gave me a sandwich. "of monsters and men" at work. from bones, emily deschanel and the great and powerful dr. oz. this is important. we've had some incidents. if anyone has anyone infected they want dr. oz to look at, please wait until he's walking out to his car out back. i need dr. oz's advice on something. the insides of my ears are constantly itching, and i am -- i'm addicted to q tips. if i don't have them, i'll use paper clips or stick my fingers in there. two weeks ago i was at a
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playoff game. i was fortunate enough that the camera cap cantured this. >> jerry kimmel. next to him jerry bremmer. >> as a matter of fact, just to drop names, mike -- [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i didn't know that was happening. from now on i don't leave my house. i just stay at home surrounded by my little army of q tips protecting me from anyone. i need to ask if putting things in your ears is bad for you, why does it feel so very, very good. we have to take a break. when we come back, it's been a long time. finally i have had enough of this sarah palin. i'll explain why in a minute. stick around. we'll be right back.
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jimmy: tonight on the show it's mash up monday with music from of monsters and men at work from "bones" emily deschanel is here. i want to talk about sarah palin. remember her? she's been making the rounds promoting an anti-climate change documentary. a movie called "climate hustle". sarah palin is supporting it. >> i want people to feel empowered to ask questions about what's being fed to them by the science community that something is not making a whole lot of sense when it comes to inco
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and fed especially to our children when it comes to global warming or climate change, whatever they're calling it today. >> that was one sentence, by the way. >> jimmy: one long, dumb sentence. here's another one. >> it's perpetuated and repeated so often that too many people believe that oh, well, if 97% of all scientists believe that man's activities are creating changes in the weather, who am i to question that? >> jimmy: exactly. who are you to question that? here's the thing -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: i have a theory. i think maybe sarah palin wants global warming. it's cold in alaska. it would be welcome up there. the idea that she knows more than 97% of scientists is offensive and dangerous. no matter what sarah palin and others try to tell you, it's not a liberal versus conservative thing. the people who profit from
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it is. in general, politicians on the deft believe humans are the major, on the right they say not all but most. this isn't a matter of political opinion. it's a matter of scientific opinion. in this case, overwhelming scientific opinion. 2014 was the warmest year ever until 2015 became the warmest year ever. now 2016 might turn out to be even warmer. when the hottest year on record is whatever year it currently is, that's how you know. we've had 15 of the last of the 16 hottest years ever since 2001. that's not an opinion. it's a fact. for some reason whether or not humans are contributing to this has become a left versus right issue. the politicians debate it. our scientists don't. a huge majority of climate scientists say climate change is happening. they say we're causing it and we need to do something about it before it has a terrible effect on a
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there's no debate about the greenhouse effect just like gravity. if someone shows a piano off the roof, i don't care what sarah palin tells you, get out of the way. it's coming down on your head. [ applause ] >> jimmy: there's a thick circle of manmade gases around the planet. i do want to be fair. this isn't bad news for everyone. for example, climate change is great for anyone who would like to get swallowed by the ocean. for everyone else, it's good for aqua man. it's bad for us. nasa says that 97% of climate scientists agree that the warming we are experiencing is likely due to human activity. it's on their website. 97% of climate scientists agree on this. and 97% of scientists don't agree on much. even one out of five dentists don't agree on sugarless gum for their patients, but almost half the representiv
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washington apparently know more about science than scientists or they pretend to because they get money to make sure they can do things they do. the idea that this is a left wing conspiracy -- what if i decided to deny the existence of yogurt. think about it. i've seen the containers. i just don't believe there's anything in them. i believe yogurt is a conspiracy created by john stamos. that guy is insane. and i would be insane. to me the big question is either you believe in science or you don't. why do we believe science when it comes to molecules and the speed of light and see yal us but not this? because members of congress who we don't even like, by the way, because people who take money from companies that make pollution for a living told us not to worry about it. and i know i'll get beaten over the head by every wac koe website and what do you know? go bac to girls
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trampolines. this is not about what i know. this is about what scientists know. i hope for the nt two minutes, forget about whether you're a republican or democrat and pay attention to the following mes s&l. decide for yourself. the people are scientists and americans and not part of some imaginary conspiracy. they're just a smarter version of us. watch this and if at the end you disagree, while we're all under water, i hope you're the last one that gets a snorkl. ♪ >> hi. i'm a climbtologist and chemist. >> i'm a climate scientist. >> i'm a hydroclimbtologist. >> i'm a polar ecologist. >> i'm john dorsey. i'm a marine environmental scientists. >> over the past 40 years thousands of people have studied climate change.
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>> and it's caused by human beings. >> that's you and me. >> the consequences could be apocalyptic. >> when we tell you all this, we're not [ bleep ]ing with you. >> we're not [ bleep ]ing with you. >> definitely not plp blood pressuring with you. >> why would we [ bleep ] with you? >> if i wanted to screw with people, would i go into climate science. >> i'm sure we could do better. >> i'd tell you a meteor was come and try to sell you a helmet. >> we know about this stuff. >> we have ph.d.s? science. >> once i locked a buddy in a por toe potty and pushed it over. that's a prank. >> global warming is real. >> temperatures soaring. >> oceans rising. >> ice meltings. >> for real, we're not
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]ing with you. >> we're not [ bleep ]ing with you. >> we're not [ bleep ]ing with you. >> believe us, if not for our generation, then for his. >> you [ bleep ] better not [ bleep ] up. >> paid for by people who know more than you do. >> climate change is real. wrestling is fake. okay? now on with the show. we have a good show. >> jimmy: tonight on the show it's mash up monday with music from of monsters and men at work from "bones" emily deschanel is here and we'll be right back with dr. oz. i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping. my face can unlock this computer. that's crazy.
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er today. >> jimmy: tonight from the show "bones," which is now in its 48th season emily deschanel is here. then of monsters and men team up with colin hay of men at work to form "of monsters and men at work" from the samsung stage. and they sound great. this might be the best mashup monday so far. tomorrow adam carolla will be here, lucy boynton will join us, and we'll have music from the avett brothers. and later this week julie bowen, rob lowe, chloe bennet, wyatt russell and music from
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bebe rexha and florida georgia line. >> jimmy: any time our first guest slaps on his purple exam gloves, you know something exciting is about to happen. he's the host of an emmy-winning show by day and he has agreed to write medical marijuana prescriptions for everybody in our audience tonight. please welcome dr. mehmet oz. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: first i want to say congratulations. you won another emmy. >> last night. >> jimmy: how many do you have now? >> it's my seventh emmy. the big challenge last night was my competition has become my daughter. >> jimmy: she was nominated against you? >> in the exact same ca
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last year she beat me and i had to eat these crazy oreo things. it's torture. >> jimmy: that's the bet? >> she has a pudding with more calories than anything created. i have to take 1,000 calories of that. if i win, she has good burpies. >> jimmy: what's that? >> you don't know what a burpy is? come on down. you'll like this. it puts hair on your chest. >> jimmy: i got enough hair. >> it's straightforward. it's the best exercise ever. look at the enthusiasm. >> jimmy: i don't want to do it. >> look at the enthusiasm. oh, god, stop begging. it's come to this. >> jimmy: all right. just one of them. what is it? >> you jump up. then you go down, do a push up, and go up and jump up like that. do thre
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cheer him on. [ applause ] . >> come on now. do one. >> jimmy: my pants are too tight. what do i have to do? tell me again. >> start with the push up. >> jimmy: that i can do. all right. >> let's see your big strong manly muscles. go down, up, legs together, and up. [ applause ] >> i have a question for you. >> jimmy: i have a question for you. why is it that you losing a bet, i would take that if i won the bet. i mean, it sounds like a good thing to eat the pudding or whatever your daughter made. >> you feel like stool the rest of the day. it's terrible. >> jimmy: no, i don't. >> but the challenge is there are two emmys competing in. she won one and i won one. do we both do the challenge or none of us? >> jimmy: nobody has to do either of the things. >> is that what you guys think?
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: i'll eat whatever it was she was going to make. >> what a peacemaker. >> jimmy: do you eat any junk food? i can't imagine you polishing off a bucket of wings. >> desert is metabolic suicide. humans didn't probably ever eat desert until 500 years ago. the rich castle dwellers would have little snacks when they went home the next day, and that, of course, they cheated and began eating them up that night. there's no reason to have dessert. it doesn't make any sense. >> jimmy: of course there's no reason to have dessert. no reason to get a massage either. i mean -- >> massage is dividends. >> jimmy: it does? >> yes. >> jimmy: you're probably talking act one of those sex massages. >> that too. >> jimmy: is there anything you miss like was there a time in your life when you had french fries? you don't like them? >>
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i like german chocolate cake. >> jimmy: you don't like french fries? >> no. >> jimmy: i'm going to have your dna tested and make sure you're a human being. really? >> no. >> jimmy: i don't think i've ever met anybody who doesn't like them. what about pizza? >> the right pizza. too much oil and grease, i don't like it. i think about what's happening in my body. >> jimmy: stop that. >> bad things are happening in there. >> jimmy: how bad could it be, really? thinking it's bad makes it worse, right? >> true. if you have it, you should adore it and love knit f. you have a better time eating it than not and it's not sigh cotically crazy, do it. we're doing a truth food series on the show. we're going to crazy things and looking at why doesn't chicken
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generation ago, and what's the other half of half and half? >> jimmy: what is it? latex paint, right? >> i'm trying to figure it out. the best example is beer. everyone has a light beer. it's more health conscious. light beer is basically white bread but the beer version. take all the good stuff out an you're left with stuff that's not worth it. >> jimmy: oh. so drink a regular beer? >> the dark beer in the back, it has 15 more cal can ories than beer. i drank a couple backstage just to relax. >> jimmy: that's good. we finally -- >> and it has all the nutrients. >> jimmy: finally good news here. >> and why is it that hot dogs come in packages of ten but the buns are only eight? what gives? what is that about. we got to get to the bottom of it. >> jimmy: i think you have to ask
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we're going to take a break. when we come back, i want to talk to you about my ears. they're driving me crazy. >> i saw the clip. everyone saw it. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. t. this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. this is humira helping me go further. humira works for many adults. it targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb,
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>> jimmy: "the dr. oz show" airs weekdays in syndication. we'll be right back with >> we talked about this. i asked you this question on your show. why is it, first of all, why do q tips exist if they're not good for you? >> i brought you one. >> jimmy: thank you. i need more than one. >> belly button lint could work. >> jimmy: i only use it for my ears. >> show me what you do. >> jimmy: by the way, this is a cheap plastic q tip. this is not like one i use in my home. can i have another one? >> please. >> jimmy: sometimes paubecause very busy i'll go like this. and i have to tell you -- >> you lost it in there. look how deep they're going. that's terrible. >> jimmy: yes. now, doesn't everybody do this
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let's go through this quick. first of all, earwax is actually sweat just a little thicker. look at that. >> jimmy: i got nothing. my ears are so clean informal you'll see nothing came off. if i ever get anything, it's a thrill. i'll usually keep it on the sink. i will. i'll keep it only sink so i can look at it for a little while. >> you know the yellow? that stuff is sweat that's supposed to be here. it's a little stickier because it's supposed to attach our sand. when the kimmels of yore were going across the sand, it's protect them. the q tips stimulate you well in an erotic part of the body. >> jimmy: you're making me want to go for them again. >> let me see your fingers. let me see them. they are designed perfectly to clean your ears. and your pinky is the exact size
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that you want to not go too deeply into your ear. >> jimmy: i can do this? >> i got you an example. dlar m guillermo, come over here. >> jimmy: he has the cutest ear lobes you'll see on a man or woman. chubby little ear lobes that are a delight. >> take your pinky. come next to me. don't be a stranger. >> jimmy: really. dr. oz will squeeze your test cals. >> and they're nice. they're like that. and then watch his eyes. guillermo, you're supposed to do me. >> otherwise it's not like three monkeys on a stool. get in there. >> guillermo: i don't want to hurt you. >> you can't do damage with your fingers. >> jimmy: is that a handkerchief? >> it's yours. >> jimmy: i feel like i'm having a gay experience right
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this is my first threesome. >> you got a little stuff there, and the ear will push the other wax out so when it's ready to be taken out, it comes out. otherwise, the q tip, you jam the wax in and unfortunately sometimes you poke a hole in the eardrum. >> jimmy: i have done that. i've punctured my eardrum before. but i can't stop. my wife hides the q tips but i find them and i get them and crave them and love them. >> he's addicted to ear gasms. >> guillermo: why? >> jimmy: what, are you a doctor all of a sudden? you don't use them? >> i do, but i just go on the outside. >> jimmy: the outside? that's what it says on the box. who listens to the box? >> guillermo: you got to follow the instructions. >> dr. guillermo knows. >> jimmy: you're 50 pounds overweight. what are you talking about? are you eating q
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>> i have an idea. bbq tips. you could actually have a little flavor. maybe the guys from black's bbq, i could go like this and then chew on them on the rest. too much? i'll take it to shark tank. i think they'll like it. thank you so much, dr. oz. i don't know if i'm going to heed your advice in this particular area. but it's a pleasure area. dr. oz. we'll be right back with emily deschanel. all the best stuff happens in the dark. there's dancing and music in the dark. people are younger and better looking in the dark. see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. in the dark, people gain an irrational sense of invincibility. bowling is less sad, and making out is much more likely. so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camera that can capture things...
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? what is your position on q tips? do you go in? >> i used to be maybe not as obsessive as you, but i used to go in and clean, and then i had a doctor who looked in my ear and could see. he said it was like cream cheese in there and that i was taking bits of cream cheese, and that kind of did it for me and i stopped. it was hard. i had to sit on my hands. >> jimmy: it was. how long did it take? i've tried to break the habit. it's not working. >> they get itchy or something. you just want to go in. it probably took a few months. >> jimmy: forget it. >> you can do it. >> jimmy: i don't want to dwell on it. yank i can do it. how is everything? you and your sister had babies a month apart? >> two months
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>> jimmy: did you plan that? >> no. >> jimmy: we called each other up. and from different husbands. >> yes. >> jimmy: is that a good thing? i would imagine that's something sisters would dream of happening. >> it's wonderful. we couldn't have planned it better. it's amazing except for the fact that we even work on the same lots and we bring our babies to work and yet it's hard to get them together. >> jimmy: why? >> one will be down for a nap and then one is up. they take so many naps. >> jimmy: the napping is rigid. you can't time their naps so it syncs them up? >> just so they can see their cousin? i don't know. maybe i'm more loosy goosy. i let them nap when they're tired. >> jimmy: so you never see each other anymore? >> on the weekend sometimes. >> jimmy: that's a lot of fun. >> when they're old
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will be more time. >> jimmy: how long have you been shooting the show? >> 11 years. >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. 11 seasons of the show. are you shooting right now? >> we just finished last week. >> jimmy: and you're doing one more season. >> one more season. 12 episodes for our 12th season. they couldn't give us 250 episodes. >> jimmy: did you want 250? >> i'm happy with 12. >> jimmy: when you've been doing that and playing this, you know playing somebody that deals with dead people, do you feel like you could handle a dead body if you came across one? would you know what to do? would you be fearful? has it had any practical effect? >> i don't have any delusions about my abilities, but -- and i haven't had much opportunity to deal with the bodies. but i will say my grandparents both passed away in the last few
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>> jimmy: i'm sorry. oh, isn't that wonderful? [ laughter ] >> and my, i don't know if you know, but now you can be cremated in the catholic church. >> jimmy: i didn't know you couldn't. >> you had to be buried for a long time. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes. now you can be cremated. >> jimmy: even before you died? >> hopefully not. [ laughter ] >> probably not. >> jimmy: so you grandparents decided -- >> they were cremated when my grandmother passed away, we put their ashes together, and each of the family members could choose if they wanted a little urn, for my mom. i got a little one, my mom got a bigger one. we were coming back and my mom -- i had a lot of little things from when my grandmother died that were hers, like an easter bunny, really
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stuff. and so my mom asked me to ship back her urn. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and, um, so i -- i felt a little nervous about it. i didn't know if you were allowed to do that. so i went to ups, and it was one of the ups places that will pack it for you because it had other little things. >> jimmy: like a mailboxes et cetera? >> yeah. similar. >> jimmy: that's serious et cetera, by the way. [ laughter ] ? >> my mom thought you could totally mail it. i brought it there and tried to act casual, like this is just normal stuff, and then the woman noticed it and asked what it was. i said oh, it's an urn. like you put other things in urns. >> jimmy: nothing else goes in an urn. >> and she said is that human remains, which is just terrible to hear your grandparents, human remains, first of all. >> jimmy: we're all still a
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announcement of their death. [ laughter ] >> they were amazing people, and they lived way into their 90s. >> jimmy: and now they live on your fireplace. >> they do. and she -- and then she said are these human remains. i had to be honest. i said yes. so then she went and had to call head corporate, and the people are walking in. there's a line, and she's like, and she's loud about it. she's like, can we ship human remains? no? okay. okay. and so i couldn't ship them, blah blah blah. >> jimmy: what did you do with them? >> but i'm paying for it, and at the end she's like i'm a fan of the show. she said it really quietly but loudly about the human remains. >> jimmy: imagine her going back to her friends and family and saying emily deschanel brought in human remains.
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unbelievable. congratulations on the show. it's unbelievable. it's, of course, still airing thursday nights 8:00 on fox. it's called "bones". we'll return with mash-up monday music from of monsters and men at work. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. ♪ music plays ♪ music plays ♪ music plays ♪ music plays
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concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, a mash-up that's too good not to be true of monsters and men at work! ♪ i don't like walking around this old and empty house so hold my hand ♪ ♪ i'll walk with
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the stairs creak as you sleep ♪ ♪ it's keeping me awake it's the house telling you to close your eyes and some days ♪ ♪ i can't even dress myself it's killing me to see you this way because though ♪ ♪ the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore ♪ ♪ hey hey ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ travelling in a fried-out kombi on a hippie trail head full of zombie ♪ ♪ i met a strange lady
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she took me in and gave me breakfast and she said ♪ ♪ do you come from a land down under where women glow and men plunder ♪ can't you hear can't you hear the thunder you better run you better take cover ♪ ♪ ♪ don't listen to a word i say living in a land down under ♪ ♪ the screams all sound the same where women glow and men plunder ♪ ♪ can't you hear can't you hear the thunder you better run you better take cover ♪
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♪ cause we are don't listen to a word i say living in a land down under the screams all ♪ ♪ sound the same where women glow and men plunder can't you hear ♪ ♪ can't you hear the thunder you better run you better take cover cause we are ♪ ♪ you better run you better take cover oh you love love love when you know i can't love ♪ ♪ you love love love when you know i can't love you love love love when you know ♪ ♪ i can't love you love love love day afte
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, for love or likes? >> will you go to prom with me? >> yes. >> the ask seems to have gotten bigger than the prom as kids spend more than ever going to extremes to outdo each other for the biggest promposal. plus turning the tables. a woman confronting her alleged harasser. >> hey, get this guy. stop him. stop this guy. >> i had to get his face. i had to get something on him. >> call the cops. >> reporter: the response on social media, astounding. >> i was 100% sure it was the same guy. >> we explore the ups and downs and taking justice into your own hands. >> and the so-called
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