hey, hey, you're going to pay for this! >> okay, ferris. >> stop calling me ferris! >> sorry, ferris. >> okay, ferris. >> i'm trying to enjoy my day off! it's "jimmy kimmel live" from brooklyn! david letterman and music from fifth harmony. brought to you by goog

and now, what's your problem, here's jimmy kimmel! >> that's very nice. welcome, brooklyn. thank you for coming. thanks for watching at home. wear on the road beaming into your heads from the howard gillman opera house at the brooklyn academy of music in brooklyn, new york. [ cheers and applause ] please, it's an opera house. sit. thank you very much. was there enough bike parking for everyone here tonight?

broadcasting from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] we had a lot of fun last time but a lot has changed since we were here in 2015. bed-stuy is the new williamsb g williamsburg. tickets to hamilton are only $500 each now. i don't know if i'm going to make it to the end of the week. i've been eating -- my blood mozzarella level is .375 right now. i ate at frankie's three nights in a row. my daughter jane yesterday, she's 3 years old. she asked if we can move here. she said, can this be our home? [ cheers and applause ] we had the window open and a breeze came in and i said, it smells good. and she said, sometimes it smells like dog poop. [ laughter ] sometimes it smells like flowers. and i really think that sums brooklyn up perfec

every time we come line something weird happens. >> breaking news out of prospect park, brooklyn. a cow is on the loose. the cow is near a soccer field there. >> a cow. in l.a. we go through a similar thing every time gary busey gets out of his pen. this cow escapes from a slaughterhouse, the only one that hasn't been converted into an art gallery/event space yet, ended up on a soccer field which any parents will tell you is the worst place in the world to be. they had a hard time catching it, took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. the police were able to wrangle it. i believe the bull was arrested

endangerment. i think you guys might be going overboard with the farm to table thing. the bull will not end up under a slice of melted parmesan. they have a policy where if an animal escapes a slaughterhouse, it goes free. [ cheers and applause ] the bull is being sent to a rehabilitation facility for misbehaving cows. bad news, it's also where they sent harvey weinstein. oh, is it too soon? i'm not sure if it's too soon yet. we have a great show for you. a man i admire intensely, david letterman, is here with us tonight. david letterman. i don't know if i can say this, david letterman is to me what

if dave had any idea how excited that i am he is here tonight, he would not under any circumstances be here tonight. if that isn't enough, and by god, don't you think it ought to be, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all week, mr. paul shaffer! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, jimmy. how about those cletones. cletones be rocking. good to be with you. >> jimmy: thank you for being here with us, paul. this is how we got letterman on the show. we kidnapped paul and said you'd better show up. also we have music from fifth harmony. and i feel like we're missing somebody. >> guillermo! >> jimmy: yes, where's guillermo? do we know? ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, okay. now i understand what's going on. yeah, bring him right in. thank you.

sometimes he gets a little bit drunk. >> hi, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, guillermo. what they call a brooklyn burrito. the good news is it didn't mess your hair up at all. >> no, it's perfect. >> jimmy: it looks perfect. say hello to everybody. >> hi, everybody! love brooklyn! >> jimmy: as you know, brooklyn is home to many great cooks and chefs and bakers and artisans of all types. it is also home to the world's biggest maker of fortune cookies. a company called won ton food, they're based in brooklyn. they have a factory in long island city. i happen to love a good fortune cookie so we took a field trip to convenes to learn how they put those fortunes in the cookies and to maybe write a few of our own.

>> this is the place? >> jimmy: yeah. let's check this out. all right. >> hey, jimmy. >> nice meeting you. >> did you carry him all the way? >> jimmy: yeah i did. can we come in, we're exhausted. >> welcome to wonton food. >> jimmy: how do i look? >> you look good too. ♪ fortune cookies >> so this is the production floor. >> jimmy: these are them? >> these are them. the batter goes from up here to down here to all the machines. they get baked and then here is the packing part of it -- >> jimmy: when you say they get baked, these people are high? >> i meant the cookies. >> jimmy: the cookies themselves. >> jimmy: how many fortunes are in one of these rolls? >> 4,000. >> jimmy: 4,000 fortunes in here.

>> i didn't write every one of them, no. >> jimmy: do people who are gluten free ever just buy the roll? >> no. we don't sell the paper by itself. >> jimmy: we're going to make a lot of money you and i. i would love to help but i know guillermo also would love to help write some fortunes. >> that would be great. >> jimmy: then you need to meet the vetting committee. >> jimmy: this vetting committee, does it have to be unanimous? >> yes. it does. it's a health process. >> ladies and guys or just guys? >> both. >> with the ladies we'll do good. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, especially in these hats. this is where you write the fortunes? >> this is where we write the fortunes. >> jimmy: it is not as magical as i imagined. >> a tiny office. >> little tiny office. little desk. >> jimmy: this is where people's fates are decided in a cubicle? it's actually quite poet effect you think about life. and the flight of the american worker. you know what i'm saying? >> i'll give you guys a little time. >> jimmy: here's a little time, we'll work on it.

>> i'll come back and check on you guys. >> jimmy: thank you. we'll get to work. i can't think of anything. what are you writing? >> i put money is not everything but you can buy a lot of expensive things. is that good? >> jimmy: it is, yeah. it's really good. i'm going to write it also. money is not everything. >> that's not cheating? >> jimmy: what cheating? >> that was my idea. >> jimmy: no, no. give me another one. >> i have another one. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> mexican food is better than chinese food. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mexican food is better than chinese food. >> swhat same thing. >> jimmy: almost. but not exactly. i have a period at the end of my sentence. i think he's watching us. what about this? pay your bill and go home. >> that's a good one. >> jimmy: there's fried rice in your goatee. >> fortune cookie is like a wife.

you might get a good one or you may not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like it. >> i like it too. >> jimmy: if you read this out loud, you will get syphilis. >> wow, that's a good one. >> jimmy: yeah, thank you. >> so how are you doing? >> jimmy: i think we're doing well. we wrote a bunch of them. i feel like the vetting committee will love them. it would be great if we could get an endorsement from you to the committee before we start. >> definitely. >> jimmy: great. >> i'll do the introduction. >> jimmy: excellent. let's do it. i'm really nervous right now. >> me too. >> i'm the last member of the committee. >> jimmy: you're the vetting committee? >> yes, i am. >> jimmy: you son of a

your honors, this is my friend guillermo. he will begin with my first idea. >> my first idea. >> jimmy: that's what i said. read it. >> you are about to eat a cookie. >> jimmy: cute, right? >> alice likes it. >> i got one. that's good. >> jimmy: thank you, alice. maybe you'll like mine more. how many orange chickens have to die before you people are happy? [ laughter ] we even lost alice on that one. >> wow, zero. >> jimmy: go ahead, guillermo. >> don't order vegetables, they're not fresh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a no? all right. you will soon be coming into a large sum of bed, bath & beyond coup coupons. one thumbs up? julia, you're killing me. how about this, then? you will find love in a starbucks bathroom. lucky numbers 2, 5, 13, 18, 27, 9. all thumbs down?

>> 100% on that one. someone will buy you a tequila shot. wow! congratulations! >> i got 100, yeah! thank you very much, thank you very much! thank you, thank you! >> jimmy: i think maybe we should have a tequila shot. >> i happen to have some tequila. >> jimmy: i happen to have some shot glasses. >> all right, let's do it! >> jimmy: how do you say cheers in chinese? [ toasting in chinese ] >> jimmy: that was fun, huh? nice people. give me one of those fortune cookies, will you? >> here. >> jimmy: thank you. mine says, new and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you. that's bad news for you. >> let me read mine. you are about to get hit by a bus. >> jimmy: what? >> you are about to get hit by --

♪ my fortune cookie [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the one time the bus shows up. thanks to everyone at wonton foods. tonight music from fifth harmony. we'll be right back with david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ it's exactly what i asked for. let out your inner child at the lexus december to remember sales event. lease the 2017 is turbo for $299 a month for 36 months.

ce amazing at your lexus dealer.

directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like wet grocery bags. getting a bad haircut. overcrowded trains. turnstiles that don't turn. and spilling coffee on themselves. but for everyone else, there's directv. for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable, switch to directv.

rd. call 1-800-directv ♪ can you dance like you should ♪ ♪ should, should, should ♪ ♪ can you dance like you should ♪ ♪ can you dance like you should ♪ ♪ make the rules while dancing ♪ ♪ you could dance like you should ♪ ♪ can you dance like you should ♪ ♪ make the rules while dancing ♪ ♪ can you dance like you should ♪ ♪

>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. that is the world's most dangerous bandleader paul shaffer, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all this week. this is night two of paul's "mini-residency" with us. >> a mini residency, just like britney spears in las vegas. >> jimmy: just like britney spears. >> call me britney from now on. >> jimmy: i'll do that, thank you, britney. then, this is their self-titled album. it's called fifth harmony and so are they. fifth harmony, live from the title x benefit concert center down the street at barclays center -- tomorrow night, howard stern will be here.

and later this week, billy joel, tracy morgan, woody harrelson tony bennett, and maybe even a surprise or two along the way. it's time to see a real talk show host. two very long years ago, our first guest left us to fend for ourselves. but he's back, thank goodness, with a new show on netflix and a very furry face. on sunday, he will receive the mark twain prize at the kennedy center. please welcome david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> welcome. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for being here. >> i'm so excited to be here. it's so good to see famous people again. [ laughter ] just to be out of the house, ladies and gentlemen! and paul, you didn't tell me you work here now. >> i was afraid to tell you. >> when in the heck did that happen? >> thank you. >> jimmy: that's britney, he goes by britney now. >> that's what i understand. how are you doing, and thank you, and thank you everybody. it's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] i'm doing well. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'll tell you something. you're looking at a man who is laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. i don't know if you've had this problem for a year. i have been looking high and low. i am determined to find a shirt that looks good untucked. i can't find one. >> jimmy: i think there's a website. >> could it be that hard? >> jimmy: is this suit you're

wearing from "the late show"? or is this something you had to go out and get on your own? >> none of your business. [ laughter ] can i talk to you, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah, sure. talk. >> you know me, i'm a celebrity. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] and when stuff happens, just to give you an example, i'll start slow. many it's, many, many years ago my niece got married. when you're getting married, you want like a big thing and a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner and all that crap, and presents. so i thought long and hard and said i have to get big impressive presents because i am the top star of the day. [ laughter ] i figured it out and you get a set of tires. and you wrap them up individually so you have four enormous gifts. and they're tires. so i thought, well, this is fantastic.

my work is done here. who cares if they want them or if they use them? and then i think one time, because you're in show business and you would get the joke, i said to you, ties. >> jimmy: i didn't take it as a joke, and in fact, i am wearing one of the ties that you sent me. >> that's a beauty. that one shouldn't have gone out. that's a beauty. >> jimmy: i will give this back to you. you sent me, a few days after you left "the late show," a box of what appeared to be all of your ties. >> you're exactly correct. >> jimmy: i was quite delighted by that. >> that's how it's supposed to work. >> jimmy: i still am delighted. >> and one time my agent's son was having a bar mitzvah, sent him a carton of cigarettes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: great gift. >> it's only a joke. we all understand that. you understand it. the kid understood it. everybody did. so a couple years ago when i was either fired or i retired.

>> jimmy: okay. >> all a blur now. and people were mindlessly saying nice things about me. you were effusive. >> jimmy: yes, yes. >> by the way, for the purpose of this conversation, i have nothing but the highest regard for all the talk show men and women, even jimmy fallon, i'll include him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's nice. yeah. >> so people were saying nice things, so i sent you the ties. and conan o'brien, who is like some sort of god on mt. olympus. he runs around telling people he went to harvard. we don't know. [ laughter ] so he goes on my old show, the stephen colbert show. >> jimmy: on friday. >> he wrote something that was just beautiful. do you remember that? >> the thing conan wrote for you? >> yeah. >> no, i don't remember it. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> i happened to see this. tonight on jimmy's show, he is talking to an aging vague vagrant. >> the viewer guide will say that. >> that's right. so anyway, conan. this beautiful thing. and i thought this is the perfect opportunity to send a [ bleep ] show business gift. so i thought, do you know what i'll do? i'll send him a horse. in hollywood you can get livestock and stuff for shows, things like that. and i get a couple of cowboys and i'll send him out a horse. and the idea will be that he'll have the horse on the show and the horse will take a dump on the show and it will be hilarious. isn't that hilarious? >> jimmy: it is hilarious to send someone a horse. yeah. >> so like two or three days

things have gone terribly wrong. i get this lovely letter from conan saying, my wife loves the horse and she is going to keep the horse because she is an equestrian. i'm presbyterian. are you jewish? >> no. [ laughter ] >> one guy, thanks. so now i'm screwed because i was counting on him returning the horse and i'd get my money back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can you return a horse? >> oh, yeah. a terrible discount. but you can return them. so i don't hear anything about it until conan shows up on the "late show" that i upsed to be on with steve 10 kolber. and now he's lost his mind. did you see it? >> jimmy: i did. i watched it. >> was he like a crazy man? >> jimmy: not only did i see it but he complained to me personally -- >> tha

why would he complain to you? >> jimmy: about the horse. >> like it's my fault? >> jimmy: well, you did send him the horse in all fairness. >> it was a joke. take a dump on the stage. load him up and get him back. [ laughter ] that's what it was. >> jimmy: you don't think the horse knew what he was supposed to do? >> not my problem. so now i didn't see it. but from what i infer what people are talking about, conan will not shut up about the horse. and the horse has gone crazy. something happened. maybe it's being around conan all day, i don't know. >> jimmy: the horse is said to be unrideable. >> of course he is unrideable. all he had to do was take a dump on the stage. so now he's complaining like the there may be litigation. and maybe i'll get a call from peta. and apparently he broke into conan's mansion? did you hear this part? >> jimmy: the horse broke into his mansion?

>> and one of conan's servants was kicked in the head. >> jimmy: oh, really. oh. oh, boy, that's no good. >> no, that's no good. so if you run into conan, it was supposed to be a joke. how crazy can the horse be? >> jimmy: horses can be crazy. dwroup, he's not a horse -- i don't want to defend conan. bottom line -- >> it sounds like you are defending him. >> jimmy: bottom line, you sent me the better gift is what i'm saying. look at this. it is not kicking anybody in the head. [ cheers and applause ] >> for the sake of this, if i had sent you the horse, there would be none of this "my wife loves it, we're keeping the horse." he has a half achor in studio city. where is he going to keep the damn horse? >> jimmy: i think that's the question he was asking too. >> the point is no good deed goes unpunished. >> jimmy: and also, when in doubt, an edible arrangement is a nice gift. [ applause ]

for when you're on "the tonight show."" david letterman is with us. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hris) the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel he's got a purple heart. (bruce) we started talking about the service. i outrank him. (chris) [laughs] yeah. meals on wheels reaches so many people. it's impactful beyond anything i've ever done in my life. (bruce) the meals and his friendship really mean, means a lot to me. (vo) through the subaru share the love event, we've helped deliver over one-point- seven million meals to those in need. get a new subaru and we'll donate two hundred fifty dollars more. (chris and bruce) ♪ put a little love in your heart. ♪ what is that?the google pixel 2. what can it do? a lot. can it tell me when to leave? yes, now. and the fastest way there? yep. can it take a selfie just by saying take a selfie? yep. take a selfie. what happens if i snap this? it gives you info. what happens if i snap her? she likes it. do i still have to sit here for ages? no, it charges in fifteen minutes. will it ever do this? never. what happens if i squeeze it? try it.

"how can i help?" hello. so...it's a phone? well it's a phone by google. ♪ toasting dad: i'm not one but here's to... to many more years of friendship. and feasts! crowd: [laughing, cheering] to presents! a mi familia que lo es todo. ♪ to being right here, right now, with you. sfx: dog bark. and you. toasting dad: i guess what i'm trying to say is, here's to family. we're proud to bring your family amazing value every day. t.j. maxx. marshalls. homegoods. family is the greatest gift.

i'm joy bauer, and as a nutritionist i know probiotics can often help. try digestive advantage. it is tougher than your stomach's harsh environment, so it surivies a hundred times better than the leading probiotic. get the digestive advantage.

what if home security was different? what if it looked different? what if the measure of working, was that you never had to think about it. ♪ what if it was so easy to use, you actually used it. [alarm] you have 3 minutes to exit.

and what you really need from home security. a sense of security. ♪ >> jimmy: paul shaffer with the band, david letterman is in the guest chair. >> that's for you, dave. >> thank you, paul. >> my old boss. >> again, i'm here but everybody here used to work for me. very, very strange. how did i end up without a show? >> jimmy: you're more than welcome to have this one. >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: you have a show now. >> then no one would have a -- well, we would be down to jimmy. >> jimmy: tell me about the netflix show if you would. will there be a studio audience for the show?

>> these are good questions. >> jimmy: you can't say? >> do you know what they do? like do you have a movie you like? what would be a movie you like? >> jimmy: "spider-man." >> so you call them up. they got a warehouse somewhere. and somebody goes through and they find "spider-man." they get the disk, put it in an envelope with your name on it, and they shoot the son of a bitch right now -- >> jimmy: netflix isn't doing that anymore. >> they're not? >> jimmy: there's a whole new wi-fi -- >> oh. i don't know anything about that. it increases the possibility of electric cution in your own home. >> jimmy: do you have a title for the show? >> no. but we're looking for interesting guests. >> jimmy: looking for guests, yes. i heard you asked howard stern to be a guest. >> yeah, i think he would be good. don't you think? >> jimmy: i think he'd be great. >> the thing i like about this, he seems to be nervous about it. and any time you can get howard to be nervous, i think you've accomplished something.

would welcome donald trump and the pope, and pope francis on the show. would that be together, or would that be separate? >> i'll tell you who we got. you know the commercial where the guy saws a row boat in half? then he, with some kind of sealant, he puts it back together? >> jimmy: you got him? >> we got his brother. >> jimmy: his brother, that's big. >> we're all set to go. >> jimmy: this mark twain prize that's happening at the kennedy center on sunday. are you feeling more comfortable now accepting accolades? >> no, no, it is a fixed fight. they have to have somebody show up and i'm not doing anything. so i said i'll be there. and by the way, thank you for your participation. >> jimmy: thank you for asking me. i would have been devastated if you hadn't. i almost feel like you asked me because you knew how upset i would be if i were excluded from this event. >> that's true. >> jimmy: yeah.

>> you're not thinking about leaving, right? >> jimmy: what, this network? >> yeah. >> jimmy: eventually, sure. >> how long have you been here? >> jimmy: almost 15 years. it will be 15 years in january. [ cheers and applause ] time to go? >> no. i wouldn't think it's time to go, you're right where you want to be now. >> jimmy: i guess so. do you feel like you miss it? >> no -- no -- some parts. i miss wearing makeup. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, yeah, i'm sure. that's the best. do you like the band or not? >> it's a terrific band and we get to wear makeup and play music. we have it made up here. >> how do you think the old band feels seeing you up there with new guys? >> absolutely pissed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've heard you say you feel like

different person. >> i am a bit of a different person. >> jimmy: in what way? >> which is good, thank god, because the great struggle in life is to be better each and every day. and if you take a look around the horizon of humanity, is there anything we can do big or small to make the life of one person a little bit better? and that's no small accomplishment. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i'm profiling for you what life after being -- was i fired or retired? >> jimmy: retired. willingly retired. there was a whole thing. there was a show and everyone paid tribute. >> oh, that's right. >> jimmy: have you ever seen any of that? sense you left? >> no. >> have you seen yourself on television? >> no. >> jimmy: if it came on would you turn -- >> i'm not going to watch this show tonight. [ laughter ] not because of you. >> jimmy: no, i understand. >> because of me. do you watch yourself on tv? >> jimmy: never, ever, ever. when i see m

the channel. >> it's too awkward. i was in colorado and i'm lost. hopelessly lost. and i see a thing. a coffee shop. but not a coffee shop. it's like beans and things or whatever they call it. [ light laughter ] so i remember seeing that on my drive from the airport so i know i'm in the general vicinity of the airport. so i walk in. i'm not wearing a suit but i'm clothed. [ laughter ] and i know i bring this on myself because of the beard. you have a beard yourself. are people on you all the time about shaving? >> jimmy: no, they like mine. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> jimmy: it's kempt. >> i look like a civil war statue. i know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there's talk you might get removed. >> i was, i have been removed. i heard that, paul, it's not funny. so i go into the store and i say i'm lost. i'm looking for the airport. she says oh, sure. it's here, this, that, semaphore -- and i said, i -- i -- can you just jot down some instructions? sure, be happy to. so she writes it out. go down here a half mile. it's going to be anderson street, turn right on anderson street. then you go to deep valley or some colorado name. and then you go to pine valley. all the way up to ski hill. so i'm looking at them. she's got lights and speed limits. a wonderful bit of diagramming. and a lovely young woman. and i said

you've saved my life. and i said how long will this take me to get there? and she looks at me. and i'm like this, more or less. and she says, are you walking? [ laughter ] yeah. i'm walking. i'm walking to the airport. >> jimmy: dave, i am so grateful for you being here tonight. i do have something for you. >> oh, please. >> jimmy: i have a little something for you. >> no, no, don't do this. >> jimmy: it became available today. >> i don't want it. >> jimmy: we have it outside. >> i don't want it. >> jimmy: i think you'll like it. it's a baby bull. we found it walking around. >> jimmy: what is it? >> a baby bull. he's been wandering brooklyn and now he's all yours. >> i'll take it. i'll take it. >> jimmy: david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'll be happy to take the [ bleep ] bull.

we'll let paul play first. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by the kmart bluelight special. kmart.com.

[ "america" by simon can i cross it off yet? almost. and. now. the volkswagen atlas. with available digital cockpit. life's as big as you make it. ♪"it's the little saint nick-♪ ♪little saint nick. it's the li--"♪ nailed it! ehhh, we'll work on it. take notes, son. number one: t-mobile gives you two iphone 8s for the price of one. one person gets an awesome gift, and so does the next guy. you're one wise dude, dad. say it again. you're one wise dude, dad. twice as nice. great things come in twos when you holiday together at t-mobile. ght now, buy one iphone 8 d get one on us.

and roomba from irobot gets to work using two multi-surface brushes and power-lifting suction to grab and remove everything from fine dust to large debris. daily dirt doesn't stand a chance. you and roomba from irobot. better together. ♪ sourced entirely in france, for a character all its own. grey goose. give the world's best tasting vodka.

when kids get really excited that's the best reaction. i know things about great white sharks! what's great about paint 3d, it's exciting to see a shark come to life and come off the page. with the windows 10 pc, to be able to draw right on the screen and create something three dimensional, is amazing. it's exciting to turn it and light it and have these different effects. with my mac, i can't do that. when you see that the work creates a feeling in a kid, feels great. and it's addictive, you want to keep doing it, you know? [ "america" by the 7-seater volkswagen atlas. life's as big as you make it.

you want my bread? >> there's plenty of bread. this is what our family dinner was like before google home mini. >> what's wrong with you? the fastest way to cone 90 island is to take the m strain. >> it doesn't go to coney island, it's the r, you take the r. >> i've been taking the m since you were born. >> i've been taking the r since you were born. >> you're both wrong. you take the q. the q goes from flat bush to coney island. >> why don't you stay out of it! >> you're upsetting your grandmother! >> listen to me! >> i was right about the m train then and i'm still right now. >> you are right and you are wrong, that's different from right, you don't know different from wrong. >> jimmy: wrong is different from right. >> you don't know your ass from your elbow. >> jimmy: there's no point in fighting. we can ask an expert. google, how many subway stations are located in brooklyn?

>> according to wikipedia, there are 170 new york city subway stations in brooklyn. >> jimmy: and she did that without cursing or yelling or anything. very quietly. hey, google, what train do you take from flatbush to coney island? >> the best way from flatbush to cone 90 island by train is q departing at 10:20 p.m. -- >> jimmy: i told you the q. did i say the q? >> you're right. >> jimmy: i said the q. >> big deal. >> jimmy: can we please be quiet and eat? >> i've been eating. >> hey, can i borrow that? >> jimmy: do you have wi-fi in 1978? >> i don't know. hey, google. when was wi-fi released? >> wi-fi was invented and first released for consumers in 1997. >> [ bleep ]. >> you got some mouth! >> jimmy: let's go wash our mouth out with season. >> i can't believe they talk like that. >> dicky: google home mini, powered by google assistant. ask it questions, tell it to do things. a little help at home like only google can. [ cheers and ala

this is google home mini. it's the google assistant for your house, so it gets you. if you mumble... (minions gibberish) it gets you. if you talk like this: add worcestershire sauce to my cart. it still gets you. gh: ok adding now. and if you're like: hey google, play my love playlist. (truly madly deeply by savage garden plays) oh really? play my love playlist.(pony - ginuwine plays) oh yeah. it also knows the difference between you and him. it's google home mini, and the rest of the google home family. grooves in your sandwich? do you always put cheez-it of course! they're chips. chips...plus sandwich: equals the perfect lunch. ooooh...don't forget the pickle. it's kind of a big dill. cheez-it grooves. chips made with 100% real cheese. dang right it's a chip!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ for those who know what they're really building. always unstoppable. when it comes to helping maria iher daughter,le mom. shopping for groceries, unclogging the sink, setting updentist appointments and planning birthday parties, nobody does it better. she's also in a rock band. look at her shred. but when it comes to mortgages,

fortunately for maria, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so she can understand the details and be sure she's getting the right mortgage. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. [♪ ].. hurry in to old navy. this wednesday through friday only, get fifty percent off your entire purchase. friday in-store only, get cozy socks for the family for one dollar. for every pair sold, old navy will donate one dollar to boys and girls clubs up to a million dollars. get fifty percent off your entire purchase, this wednesday through friday, at old navy. but having his parents over was enlightening. ♪ you don't like my lasagna? no, it's good. -hmm. -oh. huh.

[ both laugh ] here, blow. blow on it. you see it, right? is there a draft in here? i'm telling you, it's so easy to get home insurance on progressive.com. progressive can't save you from becoming your parents. but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto.

>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. music from fifth harmony is on the wa

we've got -- oh my goodness. what's going on over here? excuse me. excuse me, sir. what are you doing? >> where is my bus? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: where are you going? >> i'm just sitting here reading about me being able to see. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i heard you were in brooklyn. >> jimmy: i am in brooklyn. >> and i'm going to be a few blocks away. tonight at the barclay center. under the title x. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the benefit concert. raising money in support of puerto rico and the various victims of the various hurricanes. that's a beautiful thing to do. is this real, you read? you read by holding things up? >> i tell you, if they would

spend as much time talking about what i can do than what i can't, to raise money for the benefit. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a great thing to do. who is on this film with you tonight? >> jay-z is on. jennifer lopez is on. a lot of other people. >> jimmy: wow! >> jennifer lopez. you're going to sing? >> jimmy: i'm going to do a few songs. dj khaled is performing at the show. you are performing at the show. this is going to be some show. i almost wish the whole audience could go to see. i wish the home audience -- >> i would love to invite -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: probably not possible. >> no, no, no, no. i brought enough tickets for the entire audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: stevie wonder is taking everyone in the audience to the title x benefit show. stevie wonder, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> god bless you. >> jimmy: and god bless you. we'll be right back with fifth harmony! >> dic

"jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by mercedes benz. the best or nothing. still get a refreshing any size soft drink for just one dollar at mcdonald's? with the days getting shorter and your to-do list getting longer, you'll enjoy this ice-cold deliciousness more than ever. hurry over to mcdonald's. ♪ well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪

ng? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? t...two for five deals all across the board! here it comes... (crowd cheers) a big mac and 10 piece mcnuggets! they got em! get your fan favorites on the mcpick 2 menu. choose any two for just five bucks. they did it! unbelievable! ♪ let me get a mcpick 2 >> dicky: music in brooklyn on jimmy kimmel live is brought to you by mercedes benz. the best or nothing.

>> jimmy: i don't know what to say. david letterman and stevie wonder on one show. i might as well retire. it will never get better than this. thank you so much, stevie. stevie is taking the whole audience to the title x show. [ cheers and applause ] i'd like to thank david letterman and matthew broderick and apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first this is their self-titled album. here with the song "he like that" from the tidal x show at barclays center fifth harmony! ♪ ♪ ♪ mmm pumps and a bump pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ you got that good boy attitude and yeah i kind like it ♪ ♪ you got the tats on your arm got a bad girl excited ♪ ♪ you put that bass in the beat

won't you beat it up ♪ ♪ inside it i got that pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ and you know you wanna try it pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump he like the girls with the pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump pumps and a bump i be that girl ♪ ♪ with the pumps and a bump he like that bang bang bang ♪ ♪ he like that bomb bomb bomb he like that love ♪ ♪ love love i'm like that drug drug drug ♪ ♪ he trip when he on it one taste and he want it he like that bang ♪ ♪ bang bang he like that bomb bomb bomb ♪ ♪ he like that love love love i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug he trip when he on it one taste and he want it ♪ ♪ he got that rough neck swaggy but he know ♪

♪ how to hide it he got that dope boy cash but he get it ♪ ♪ nine to five-ing he got a thing for them girls ♪ ♪ i know he bad for my health but i still wanna try it ♪ ♪ still wanna try it pumps and a bump oh ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump he like the girls with the pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump oh pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ i be that girl with the pumps and a bump he like that bang ♪ ♪ bang bang he like that bomb bomb bomb ♪ ♪ he like that love love love i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug he trip when he on it on it ♪ ♪ one taste and he want it one taste and he want it he like that bang ♪ ♪ bang bang he like that bang he like that bomb ♪ ♪ bomb bomb he like that bomb he like that love ♪ ♪ love love he like that love i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug i'm like that drug he trip when he on it ♪ ♪ on it one taste and he want it one taste and ♪ ♪ bang he love that bang bomb ♪ he love that bomb bomb bomb

♪ he love that thang drug he love that hit and run ♪ ♪ he lose his brain he going to stupid dumb he stupid dumb ♪ ♪ all he ever want is some pumps and a bump pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ he like the girls with the pumps and a bump oh ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump you know he wants some wants some ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump i be that girl with the pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ he like that bang bang bang he like that bom ♪ ♪ bom bom he like that love love love ♪ ♪ i'm like that drug drug drug he trip when he on it ♪ ♪ one taste and he want it he like that bang bang bang ♪ ♪ he like that bom bom bom he like that love ♪ ♪ love love i'm like that drug drug drug ♪ ♪ he trip when he on it one taste and he want it ♪ ♪ ♪

is. this is "nightline." >> tonight, charlie rose fired. at least eight women now accusing the veteran journalist of sexual harassment. his cbs this morning cohost expressing outrage. >> i am not okay. women cannot achieve equality in the workplace or in society until there is a reckoning. >> and president trump breaking his silence about accused predator alabama senate candidate roy moore. >> what do you say to women? >> roy moore denies it, that's all i can say, he denies it. the left to bear arms? meet members of the liberal gun club.