previously on "afv"... (man) ooh. (woman speaks indistinctly) (laughter) (man roars, laughs) (woman) ♪ happy bir-- (yells) (boy laughs) tonight on... grab a towel. it's time for "everybody into the pool"... let's do the workout "afv"-style... we'll see who got dressed up for halloween... tom plays "too far, too short, just right"... and more brand-new videos. ohh! we're...

(cheers and applause) and now the man with so many funny clips it's not even funny-- tom bergeron! ♪ thank you. you're far too kind. hey, welcome to the show. you know, in a perfect world, every pool would have a lifeguard. you get the sense there are pool clips coming up? not only would swimmers be safer, you'd also have someone to hold the video camera. ♪ i guess when you look like this, you don't need to know how to walk. (man speaks indistinctly) (woman) nine, eight, seven... well, that's what you get for jumping on seven. you okay?

uh, yeah. (laughter) good! (laughter) (woman) watch out, kiki! (yells) he's more worried about yelling than jumping. oops. (man laughs) it's a good thing they trimmed mitzi's nails before letting her on the pool. the reason they're called killer whales is because they have a killer sense of humor. (screams, laughter) (cheers and applause) as you know, an election year is just around the corner. we wanted you to know that we are a nonpartisan show.

whether you're a republican or a democrat, if you do something stupid on video, we are happy to laugh at you without any bias. shirtless, hefty guy, you are cleared for takeoff. aah! (man laughs) dude, you okay? do you really want to make your finish line a wooden fence? (woman) oh, jeez. (laughs) (man) but we'll make money on it. (woman) yeah. you good? yeah. i'm ready. oh, my gosh. (both laugh) oh, around here we love a good knot hit. oh! here's a switch. they're letting the cat into the bag. (laughter) (woman) even cat tricks sounds similar.

(man) yeah. (woman) hello, puss. finally, scientific proof you can't unrun a zip line. (woman) watch out. (laughs) (man) did you get that? i got it! i got it! (both laugh) not all turtles go into their shell when they feel threatened. (laughter) (man) i should have gotten that on video. (man) i got it on video. (woman) john, don't head 'em towards the swing. no brakes or steering, but dad comes standard equipment. (woman screams) forgive me, father, for i am singed. (whoosh) (man laughing) look at the hair on my... (man laughs)

(cheering) you know, society celebrates great moments in many fields-- athletics, the arts, science, medicine-- but only here at "afv" do we celebrate the highs of human lows. plumbing the depths of our ignorance, it's... (woman) you don't need to hit it so hard... (cheers and applause) (man speaks indistinctly) ow! ow! ow! ow! oh! (laughter) (boy) yo, are you okay?

yo. you okay? are you okay? yeah, i'll be fine. okay. (whistles) (laughter) this has been "afv's"... (cheering) okay, now not only is this next montage cut to a great song by lady gaga, it also features something i'm a little familiar with-- dancing. and while some of these people might not be dancing with stars, they're definitely gonna see stars. (lady gaga) ♪ my mama told me when i was young ♪ ♪ we are all born superstars ♪ she rolled my hair and put my lipstick on ♪ ♪ in the glass of her boudoir

♪ "there's nothing wrong with loving who you are," she said ♪ ♪ "'cause he made you perfect, babe" ♪ ♪ "so hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far" ♪ ♪ "listen to me when i say" ♪ i'm beautiful in my way ♪ 'cause god makes no mistakes ♪ i'm on the right track, baby ♪ i was born this way ♪ don't hide yourself in regret ♪ ♪ just love yourself and you're set ♪ ♪ i'm on the right track, baby ♪ i was born this way ♪ born this way ♪ ooh, there ain't no other way ♪ ♪ baby, i was born this way ♪ baby, i was born this way ♪ born this way ♪ ooh, there ain't no other way ♪ ♪ baby, i was born this way ♪ right track, baby, i was born this way ♪ ♪ i'm beautiful in my way ♪ 'cause god makes no mistakes ♪ i'm on the right track, baby ♪ i was born this way ♪ don't hide yourself in regret ♪ ♪ just love yourself and you're set ♪ ♪ i'm on the right track, baby

(laughter) (cheering) ♪ upload your funny video to abc.com. to find some new decor. your house will be so bright. all lit up on christmas night. no one does christmas, like you do christmas. you find the perfect toy. that fills their hearts with joy. the gifts that make their day. got it all on layaway. no one does christmas, like kmart does christmas. kmart. smart

so i get claritin clear for strong, non-drowsy relief of all my allergies like dust mold pets and pollen. looks good. thanks. i live claritin clear. ♪

(cheering) welcome back. usually you know when something bad is going to happen, like when your girlfriend says, "we need to talk," or your boss says, "you know, i'll bet someone with your skills could find a job anywhere," but around here we prefer the unexpected. (man) i guess it's... she got one of those new closet organizers, and here he comes. aah! damn. ohh. (door closes) (speaks indistinctly) this backflip scored a perfect 10... year-old boy. (girl) are you okay? (boy) yeah. (woman) do--do a big jump like gavin did. big jump. watch this, daddy. big jump, niobi. watch this. big jump, niobi. here comes niobi's big jump. ohh, it's gonna be a big one. come on, niobi. how big a jump does she expect from niobi in a pool that size?

oh! gavin! (applause in distance) luckily, it's legal to use your head in soccer. marge, take a letter. (laughter) (laughter) (boy) i like that. we got that on camera. don't you hate it when friends drop in without calling? (laughter) (laughter) here's a way to stop him from blowing all over the cake. (loud bang) (whines) (cheers and applause) on halloween, everyone pretends to be something they're not.

now how does that affect our "afv" gang? well, should clumsy people pretend they're coordinated? should scared people pretend they're brave? should i pretend i'm ryan seacrest? check out these people filled with the halloween spirit. not every kid likes his costume. (crying) who is that? chucky? ohh! (laughs) he's scared. look at his hands. (woman whispers) okay. mckenzie's gonna go scare madison. hurry up. go. (laughs) (screams) (woman laughs) i hate you, mommy! you! (growls, barks) (woman) you don't even scare me, josh. (barking) ooh! (thud) (laughs) my teeth came out!

now here's someone who knows how to use fake teeth. (woman) here, baby bud, look at me. (speaks indistinctly) (laughs) (woman) and, libby, what are you for halloween? a ballerina! okay, show me your ballet move. there you go. okay, reily, what are you? football player. okay, show me your best football player move. (laughter) (cries) and now... (dance music playing) this has been... (laughter) (cheers) a day at the beach requires so many things-- bathing suits, towels, sunscreen, beach toys. people have to remember so much stuff,

you can't blame them for forgetting a few things like... balance, logic, common sense. you don't need to go surfing to have a nasty wipeout at the beach. you think sand fleas are a problem, how do you feel about beach monkeys? (screeches) (girls yell) (woman screams) oh, jeez! jeez, he's on me! is he still on me? (woman) yeah. polly want a tourist? (speaks indistinctly) (man) whoa! that pelican hurt like hell-ican. i got that. (speaks indistinctly)

maybe she should have done this at low tide. (laughter) no! he doesn't catch a wave, but he catches some air. (man) ohh! wow. (cheering) on "afv," we believe that women can have it all and, of course, in the "afv" context, having it all means misfortune and an inflated sense of one's coordination. (woman) on it. now how do you make it work? yeah, nothing says expert cowgirl like platform shoes and a cashmere sweater. oh, my god. give us a thumbs up if you're okay. (laughter) (woman) here's morgan coming back from showing her grammy her wedding dress. you don't want the groom to see the wedding dress or tess to see it, either. gaby, don't let tess out. gaby, don't let tess out!

(screams) oh, my god! oh, my god! is a small, enclosed patio really the best place for a fireworks display? (all screaming) (bang, crackling) (girl speaks indistinctly) okay. she's in college. you'd think she'd know how to get into a bunk bed by now. (laughs) (cheers and applause) we all love funny videos. you want to see ours, and we want to see yours, and now it's never been easier with the new "afv" app. download it for free from the app store and you can see the best of "afv" wherever you go. plan to shoot a funny video on your phone? just remember to hold your phone so that the image is wider than it is tall so it will look better on a tv screen. then shoot away and upload it to us on the spot with the "afv" app. have a funny video that's not on your phone?

upload it to us on the "afv" home page on abc.com. or you can pop your video in the mail to "afv"... for full contest rules, log on to abc.com or write the address above. remember, you can't win if you don't send it in.

what? pay you? hang on. kitchen counselor here. mom, i think what she means is "greasy dishes." cascade complete pacs fight tough greasy messes better than the other tablet. there's only one cascade. love it, or your money back.

♪ (cheers) and now the game that combines physics, comedy, and guessing. it's... or... little goldilocks action on the show right now,

and we have here adrian and heather. you're probably ahead of me in knowing they're twins. you are older by how much? four minutes. four minutes older. mm-hmm. so you were the wiser of the two, you would say? definitely, without a doubt. did you ever--growing up, did you do the whole, like, fool the boyfriend thing and-- uh, we-- teacher. yeah, teacher. oh, teachers? would one of you show up for the-- she took a spanish test for me. oh, really? and our teacher dared us, too. yeah. so the teacher was in on the whole switch? well, not the spanish teacher-- the other teacher. (laughs) oh. the former teacher. she actually worked for me, too. she worked for you? mm-hmm. oh, yeah. to heck with the show. let's follow this a bit. in what capacity did she work for you? uh, she was a cashier at the movie theaters when we were younger. mm-hmm. all right. i thought that was gonna be a more interesting story, but... sorry. let's play this. okay. (laughs) i'll show you a video and you tell me if the person jumps too far, too short, or just right. (adrian and heather) okay. you ready? okay here we go. ready. the first video is a kid on a bike. there he goes. building up speed,

very important as you hit the ramp and... how's he gonna do, adrian? too short. too short? mm-hmm. you talking about him or me? him? him. all right, him. too short. i agree. i'm gonna say too short. too short. are you usually in agreement on things like this? a lot of times we are. mm-hmm. okay, all right. well, let's see if you're right. going for too short with the little boy on the bike. (tape rewinds) yeah! nicely done. good start, good start. okay. next choice--a boy jumping to the couch. climb up. presumably there's a parent taping this and not stopping him. (woman laughs) (man) um, claire? oh, it's dad. which way is he jumping? that way. uh, no, no, no, no, no. oh! let me--let me-- as a father myself, how many beers into the night was dad on that one?

let him get that far... adrian, gravity's gonna do its thing, but where's he gonna land? too... short? too short. too short again, huh? yeah. i'm gonna say too short. too short. okay. all right. based on the trajectory, i'm--i'm with you on this one. let's see. and he's got the pacifier in his mouth, too, doesn't he? which way is he jumping? that way. uh, no, no, no, no, no. he's-- (thud) ohh! ohh! okay. two for two. you guys... very good. all right, let's go for a clean sweep here. (both) okay. all right. let's go for all of them right. your last chance-- a young man trying to make it over a creek. (man) hey hey! hey! (man) brando! (laughs) just looking at the general demeanor of his friends, what do you think is gonna happen? i think he's gonna fall into the water. so that would be too short? too short. too short, yeah. too short, definitely. yeah, 'cause the contest isn't, you know, "fall in the water, too long, or just right?" true, true. yes, you're right. all right. too short.

let's see if, in fact, you can sweep this contest. hey hey! hey! brando! nicely done! all right! everybody came up a little short today, but not you! you have parting gifts. little "afv" on dvd to call your own. (both) thank you. give it up for our twins, adrian and heather! thanks, guys. and now some clips guaranteed to be just right... (indistinct conversations) here's why they don't have teeter-totters at the senior center. (man laughs) take your time. squeeze it. in this case, "n.r.a." means the national recoil association. (loud bang) (laughs) some owners will do anything to get their cat in the bath.

home run. home run! home run! home run! home run! home run! home run! he did it! he did it! all right, baby! all right! whoo! he did it! mastering the bounce pass is harder than it looks. ooh! ow! oh! oh! joshua? santa claus came. i know. you wanna see what he brought you? you wanna see what santa claus brought? he brought me a video camera? (man and woman laugh) get him. go get him, roscoe. get him. (speaks indistinctly)

good job. get him, roscoe. this is police dog training, and he gets him right in the canine unit. aah! (speaks indistinctly) (laughs) this clip is brought to you courtesy of our premature celebration department. (woman laughs) (man) it's a bit hot. it's in the fire. doesn't waving the yellow flag usually mean caution? (engine revs) (woman laughs) three babies plus two falls equals one cute video. (laughs) (cheers and applause)

halloween is really all about three things-- costumes, candy, and scaring the pants off people. i think it's a good time to hold on to your pants. hey, guys. uh, jordan here, and today i'm gonna scare the crap out of ryan. it's gonna be fantastic. oh, there it is, on top. grab that thing. aah! (laughs) aah! all right, what's the last thing you wanna see when you're being chased by your dad with a chainsaw? (chainsaw revving) aah! your sister with a chainsaw. what happens meets "psycho"? aah! aah! aah! stop!

when you live with the school mascot, good luck sleeping in on game day. (cymbals crashing) what the heck? (breathing heavily) aw. (cheering) ♪ ♪ twinkle toes i think i found a soul ♪ ♪ to make me happily ever after ♪ ♪ i say i love you and i'll say it more ♪ ♪ my one and only ♪ oh i can't lose ♪ so don't stop doing what you do ♪

♪ have i paid my dues just to be with you ♪ ♪ don't stop doing what you do ♪ you've got to try the new sizzling entrees. [ sizzling ] [ male announcer ] fresh flavor never sounded as good as applebee's new sizzling entrees ok, i'll have that. [ male announcer ] try our juicy new double barrel whisky sirloins and more, starting at $8.99. come taste what's new in the neighborhood. now serving half-price appetizers late night. ♪ jif to go goes anywhere ♪ jif to go goes here, goes there ♪ ♪ jif to go goes everywhere ♪ goes here, goes there ♪ jif to go, wherever you go new pronamel iso-active is a toothpaste in a can.

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♪

as host, my job is to introduce funny videos-- that is the long and short of it. because if i don't keep my part short, i won't be here for long. here's what you do at a piñata party if you don't like candy. (crack) (man) oh! (man) did you get that? yeah. okay. $10,000, here we come. just gun it? (man) gu--well... (engine revs) ow. the money she saves on gardeners she can spend on carpenters. (engine revs) aah! (squeals) (man) say "hello." can you say "mama"? hello. can you say "mama"? (babbling) okay, "dada"? hello. hello? say "hello." hello?

hello. oh, my god! (laughs) why i don't motocross-- exhibit "a." (woman) try to throw it a little bit more straight. this toy is a 2-for-1-- an airplane and a boomerang. go! oh! (laughter) is it possible to call a foul on the house? catch that. (all laugh) mirror, mirror on the floor, is that one baby, or are there more? (woman laughs) oh, perfect. (woman singing indistinctly)

aah! those short shorts are about to get shorter. aah! (insect buzzing) keep your eyes on the bug. she does. studies show that married people tend to live longer, and that's really no surprise. they need to live long enough to get back at each other for doing things like this... check it out. here we go. look real? look real enough? real enough. you gotta shoot the gun. here we go. (pop) ow! (muttering)

aah! (man) i knew it was gonna happen. oh, man! oh, god. nice one. aah! nice. aah! is it still in there? yeah. (laughs) oh! oh! oh! ugh! ugh! (cheering) there have been a lot of great rivalries over the years-- ali-frazier, red sox-yankees, fat elvis-skinny elvis. here's another rivalry for the ages. tonight on "vs"-- the halloweeners are up first, and they come out swinging...

(crack) ouch! but the weiners are circling their opponents, and themselves. the halloweeners strike back with a special move-- (high-pitched voice) aah! jazz hands! but the wily weiners aren't above cheating to win. the halloweeners are trying to scare up a victory... aah! yow! so the weiners bring out the big guns! and the winner is... a halloweener... and a weiner! it's a tie! join us next week when the weener weiners take on guys getting their beards caught in accordions, on "vs."

(cheers and applause) getting results from exercising-- it's all about setting goals. a good basic goal to start with-- surviving the workout. (man) see what you can do, eric. hey, pal, the only boxer that belongs in the kitchen is george foreman. (both laughing) bring the chin up, not the bar down. (girl) oh! (laughter) "america's funniest videos"! we could win $10,000! they're playing kinect, which is what his fist is about to do to her face. (grunts) (spectators cheering)

the only thing that doesn't hurt after this is his unitard. (treadmill whirring) (girl) oh, my god. my pants are hooked. aah! shut up. he touched me. i got scared. she does the workout, her brother feels the burn. (cheering) (imitates dracula) we are about to see a montage full of frights and scares, though i think you'll still find it less terrifying than the montage of people dancing we saw earlier. (shower running) aah! aah! (bernard hermann's "prelude" from "psycho" playing)

aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! aah! grr! aah! aah! aah! (growls) aah! (roars) aah! this is not spooky. this is not spooky. you hear me? (roars) aah! oh! aah! ♪

upload your funny video to abc.com.

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♪ these following videos need to undergo a thorough background check-- and by that, i mean that you need to keep your eye on the background, 'cause that's where all the action is. the girl in the background proves that if you drop something on a treadmill, just let it go. (boy) oh, my gosh!

♪ every now and then, a background dancer upstages the star. (smack) (clatter) (woman) go, jack! i've heard of rushing the court after a basketball game, but at a swim meet? go, jack! yeah! i think dad has found a way to make soccer popular for american audiences. (cheering) okay. it is time to step into the wayback machine, sherman, to explore some of "afv's" rich history. tonight, classic sports clips before everything became so corporate. when these guys got hit in the junk, they did it for the love of the game.

sunday, may 13th, 1990... (echoing voice) and "afv" was there. what is this? "break it like beckham"? (woman laughs) the haircut's dated, but a shot to the groin never goes out of style. (wah-wah horn plays) well, let's hope he's never attacked by five chairs. surely there's gotta be an easier way to get that fresh pine scent. (echoing voice) and "afv" was there. (cheers and applause) all right, all right. that was fun, but we can't live in the past, so let's get to the present and see what dumb things are happening right now. (quacking)

is that a fountain, or the world's largest duck bidet? (quacking) (boy laughs) hey, sensei, maybe you could have cleared the little boy if you weren't in formal wear. (squeaking) just because you're good on the driveway doesn't mean you'll be good on the ramp. ooh! (man) better put your food away. put your food away. (woman) oh, no! put your food away! i have to ask-- when did wild horses develop a taste for cool ranch tortilla chips? aah!

(laughs) (woman) don't do that! stop it! no, rox! roxy, no! hey, no! stop! she don't listen. she's so... (laughs) oh, my god. that's my bathing suit! stop! what are you doing? (man speaking indistinctly over p.a.) (man) way to go, guys! "jenny's" a beautiful boat. if only she weren't made out of cardboard. (woman) i'm not gonna actually tell you where we're going, but you can try to spell it out. what letters do you see? that's where we're going. yippee! hee hee! do you know what it is?

what do you think? we're home. (gasps) come on, let's go. we're home. where are you gonna go? wait for me. she's giving the dog a tour of the new house. maybe she should have shown him the yard first. this is gonna be the big tv room. no! he pooped on the rug. he pooped. (cheering) thanksgiving is days away. you remembered the turkey, you remembered the pumpkin pie, but don't forget your camera. record the dinner, the festivities, your friends and family being their usual crazy selves. give your uncle irving a wet willie, get aunt tina to show off her hidden talent, make your dog do a trick for a taste of turkey. maybe you'll see yourself on next year's thanksgiving episode. just shoot and upload to the "afv" home page at afv.com or you can send it to us at "afv"...

for full contest rules, log on to abc.com or write the address above. who knows? your thanksgiving fun may even win your family a pile of stuffing. i joined the navy when i was nineteen. i was a commissioned officer at twenty-three. i was an avionics... tactical telecommunications... squad leader. i think the hardest transition as you get further into the military is... you know it's going to end one day. chase hired me to be a personal banker. i'm a business analyst... manager. i'm very proud to work for chase. when you hire a veteran, you get... great leadership... decisiveness... focus. chase knows, when you hire a veteran, you're hiring america's best. chase is proud to help 100,000 veterans find jobs at home.

mom: show daddy! lion. roaaar. rawr! dad: whoa! mom: there's more in the front, or you can go around! toy sfx: eeeee! mom: elephant! dad: who's that? eeeeee! gorilla. dad: what does he say? ah yah yah yah yah ♪ for always mom: who knows what the seal says? older girl: arf arf arf arf! spending the day with my niece. i don't use super poligrip for hold because my dentures fit well. before those little pieces would get in between my dentures and my gum and it was uncomfortable. even well-fitting dentures let in food particles. super poligrip is zinc free. with just a few dabs, it's clinically proven to seal out more food particles so you're more comfortable and confident while you eat. so it's not about keeping my dentures in, it's about keeping the food particles out.

[ charlie ] try zinc free super poligrip. i've been so looking forward to this. when my asthma symptoms returned, my doctor prescribed dulera to help prevent them. [ male announcer ] dulera is for patients 12 and older whose asthma is not well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. dulera will not replace a rescue inhaler for sudden symptoms. dulera helps significantly improve lung function. this was shown over a 6 month clinical study. dulera contains formoterol, which increases the risk of death from asthma problems and may increase the risk of hospitalization in children and adolescents. dulera is not for people whose asthma is well controlled with a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. once your asthma is well controlled your doctor will decide if you can stop dulera and prescribe a different asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. do not take dulera more than prescribed. see your doctor if your asthma does not improve or gets worse. ask your doctor if dulera

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(cering) okay, it is time for me to change gears and become a money manager. that's right, i'm about to give away tonight's prizes-- $10,000 for first place, $3,000 for second place, and $2,000 for third. but first, let's meet our nominees-- first up, dad to the rescue in "downhill hero," sent in by the fernance family from bristol, connecticut. (woman speaking indistinctly) no brakes or steering, but dad comes standard equipment. aah! the car! the next video stars a girl who refuses to be scared. it's "nice try, mike," sent in by vikki meeter from aldergrove, british columbia, canada. (breathing heavily)

aw. and the final contender features a pooch with an interesting housewarming gift. it's "dog den doodie," sent in lauren herman from east weymouth, massachusetts. she's giving the dog a tour of the new house. oman) no! maybe she should have shown him the yard first. he pooped on the rug. all right. our audience has seen the three nominees. it is time to voteow. eeping) and while they vote, let's mix it up with tonight's video remix. oh, gee! oh, gee! (whoosh) (whoosh) (hisses) (hisses) oh. oh. oh. oh. oh.

oh! oh! (loud bang) (banging) (man laughs) all right. now the results of our voting. our third place $2,000 winner is... "dog den doodie" sent in by lauren herman from east weymouth, massachusetts. and now the winner of the $10,000 and tonight's funniest home video is... "nice try, mike," sent in by vikki meeter from aldergrove, british columbia, canada. first, hello, vikki, right? and we have the star of the video, the deadpan comic gold, emily. and, ladies and gentlemen, garth brooks. let's welcome--how are you? now this is mike. let me ask--i understand you regularly have attempted to scare, prank, uh, emily and her brothers,

is that right? yeah, once in a while, i, you know, i try to scare 'em. i actually wanted to try to scare them the night before, but, uh, her mom said they wouldn't sleep, so... oh, you were preventing nightmares, right? mm-hmm. yes, i was. now, emily, by the way, best deadpan reaction we've had in quite some time on this show did you know it was mike right away? mike. okay. all right. and the deadpan reactions continue. wanna congratulate you. here, you hang onto this as a souvenir, and then you also get a check for $10,000, and you co bacto join us for the $100,000 show later. isn't at worth saying "mike" again? yes. yes, it is. how about a hand for our winners tonight? congratulations. really good job. give me five. thank you. it's been a pleasure. pleasure. (cheering)

that's it r tonight. go to our facebo page and tell us what you liked and remember, this season, if you send us a video and it airs on the show, even if you're from denmark, we'll send you an "afv" t-shirt. so upload to us. get rich. get famous. good night, everybody. captioned by ♪ closed captioning services, inc.